Before They Were Real, They Were Desperate

Many years ago I was still in my 20s, a new homeowner, watching a new show from my living room floor, because we still hadn’t gotten our sofa yet. Those very first visits to Wisteria Lane introduced us to a deceased woman who narrated the lives of her four living friends, a sexy plumber, a neighborhood slut, and several spouses and offspring that would come and go over the course of 8 years. 
The list of characters that have come and gone on that scandalous street is too long to even remember, however there are some I will never forget. For instance, Edie Brit, I LOVED her. I will never forget the way she and Susan competed for Mike. How about Zach Young? The disturbed adopted son of Mary Alice and Paul. Remember Bree’s first husband Rex? Katherine Mayfair and her mysterious replacement daughter? Edie’s insane love interest David? Karen McCluskey’s frozen dead husband? See, the list goes on and on. 
However, there are the handful of characters and actors that have inhabited the scandalous street since day one, and as the sun is about to set on Wisteria Lane for the final time I would like to pay homage to the people that have invaded my living room for 8 glorious years: 
Bree Van de Kamp: You were my favorite housewife. How I tried to emulate your perfection, right down to perfectly cornered toilet paper. You were a fabulous blend of saintly and sinister. Whether covering up a murder (more than one, we saw what happened to the elder Jaunita Solis) or baking muffins everything you did was accomplished with poise and grace. I confess I dressed as you for Halloween once. You were my TV land idol. You will be missed. 
Susan Delfino: At times endearing, at times annoying, you brought a level of superficial drama to the show, except when you had kidney disease, that was really something to cry about. The naked in the bushes encounter with Mike will live on in television history. 
Mike Delfino: The hottest plumber I’ve ever seen. I wouldn’t have minded your crack making an appearance under my kitchen sink. I cried when they killed you. You were a kind and caring guy with a dark past, one we never quite understood. Even after your death we were still uncovering your secrets. Taking care of your sister? Even post mortem you got hotter. 
Gabrielle Solis: When we first met you you were having an affair with your young garden boy. You were little miss hotpants from day one and we all loved you for it. There was that short time when they tried to turn you into a dowdy housewife, but no one could keep you down for long. As fiery and superficial as you were, we always saw a tender side and as volatile as your relationship with Carlos could be, we all can see you two were totally meant for each other. 
Carlos Solis: From a shark to a savior, we have seen you reinvent yourself over and over again. It’s clear how much you loved your wife. It’s also clear how much praise and rewards your deserve for putting up with her this long. 
Lynette Scavo: A woman that makes other woman cheer and men cover their privates, you know how to kick where it counts in order to tear a man down and stay in control. You too have been reinvented over and over. You’ve been a powerful business woman, a pizza waitress, a SAHM, an interior decorator, all the while raising 5 children and surviving cancer. While Bree may be the person I’d like to appear to be, you are truly my hero. 
Tom Scavo: At first I had trouble forgetting you were Matt from Melrose Place. It confused me to see you in a straight relationship (Note to all Doug Savant is straight and married to fellow Melrose alum Laura Leighton). After a short while I came to see just how much of a man’s man you are, despite your emasculating wife. I cheered you on and sympathized for you over the years. Even though I think your corporate self is the best version, I still think you should go back to Lynette. Leaving a nice controlling woman for a nasty controlling once really doesn’t equal a quality of life improvement. It looked like last week you’d figured that out. I guess we will know very soon. 
So as we all get ready to “kiss them goodbye” let’s have a moment of silent remembrance for our friends on Wisteria Lane. Of all the secrets and scandals I think the biggest mystery is how these women’s children never seemed to be around when it wasn’t convenient. 
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