By Denise Weiss
Welcome to Week 3 rose lovers! If you were in short supply of Sean’s abs last week, there is no need to fret. This week starts off once again with a shirtless Sean doing bicep curls and going for a quick run on the treadmill, while admitting that he’s “digging on a lot of women.”
Chris Harrison shows up at the mansion with good news- this week there will be 2 one-on-one dates, and one group date. Chris leaves the date card and the ladies squeal with anticipation. Robyn, who has no chance of ending up with Sean despite Sean’s politically correct speech on dating women of color, wants to “ditch these bitches and fall in love for real.” Leslie H. is hopeful she will get the one on one, but the first date goes to Lesley M.
Lesley M’s One on One
For Lesley M. this date is” literally a dream come true.” She dresses in her shortest pink lacy dress and hopes that she is going to be whisked away by a helicopter to an exotic location. She tries not to look too disappointed when the limo arrives at the Guinness Hall of Records in Hollywood. ABC must have gone off the fiscal cliff because their budget this year is nil and their date locations suck! Sean tells Lesley M. that his Dad holds a meaningless “driving-across-country” world record, and suggests that they break the “longest on-screen kiss” record. The staged kiss was really boring and all I kept thinking was “wow her dress is really short.” Despite their giggles and boredom, Sean and Lesley manage to keep their lips together for 3 minutes and 16 seconds and set a new record. Confetti flies and everyone leaves to go to Ripley’s Believe It Or Not down the road. The kiss lasted longer than most Bachelor relationships.
After an exhausting day kissing on Hollywood Boulevard, our couple retreats to the top of the Roosevelt Hotel where they snuggle and drink champagne. The conversation shockingly turns to family and her parents’ amazing marriage. Based upon this little bit of information, Sean feels like he has known Lesley forever. Lesley suddenly gets shy and looks away, but Sean isn’t having any of that and wants her to take control. Lesley leans in for a kiss and fortunately for us manages to keep her privates covered (which was no easy task given the lack of dress). Although we have been spared from having to see Lesley’s lady parts, we are not as fortunate when it comes to Sean’s tongue. We can all thank Arie (see episode 1 recap) for that. Sean and Lesley are both falling in love and Sean has high hopes for their future. More kissing, more tongue, more confetti. Lesley gets the rose.
The Group Date
Back at the mansion the group date card arrives. Selma really wants a one on one date because she misses Sean. Yes, she misses a man she hardly knows. It is not in the cards for Selma, and the group date goes to Kacie, Robyn, Leslie H., Kristy, Catherine, Desiree, Taryn, Amanda, Lindsay, Daniella, Jackie and Tierra.
The group heads to the beach for a day of football, frolicking, and watching Sean do push-ups with a girl on his back. Everyone is having a great time until Chris shows up, completely overdressed in a long sleeve shirt buttoned to his neck and linen pants. He lets them know that they are going to be divided into two teams to play volleyball, and the winning team will get evening time with Sean. The losers are just losers and will be sent back to the mansion. The blue team, consisting of Lindsay, Jackie, Robyn, Desiree, Kacie and Amanda paints a big letter “S” on their breasts. The red team is made up of Leslie H., Tierra, Kristy, Catherine, Daniella and Taryn, and they whine a lot. Daniella is upset because “this is literally my worst nightmare.” For Taryn, this is the “most important game of her life.” Get a grip ladies.
A little side note- If one arm Sarah wants to be an equal, she should have been on this date and they should have made her serve.
Once the teams were chosen, everyone stripped down and showed off their amazing bikini bodies. It was at this point that I put away what little was left of the Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey that I had just snarfed down. None of the women are professional volleyball players, but that doesn’t stop them from diving into the sand with their legs and arms flying everywhere and getting sand in every crevice. It looked more like a tampon commercial than a volleyball game. Like everything else on this show, the women took it way too seriously. Lindsay and Catherine both complained that they NEED more time with Sean. You only NEED food, air and shelter. Sean is not a NEED- he is a WANT. Let’s keep this straight.
Somehow the game ends up in sudden death and Desiree comes through with the winning serve, sending the blue team to a champagne covered victory celebration. The losers on the red team are sent back to the mansion in a white mini-van without their clothes or shoes. You know you are a loser when you aren’t even allowed to put your flip-flops on before you get into the mini-van of shame. Kristy and Leslie H. cry the entire ride back to the mansion. They both desperately want husbands, and because Sean is the only potential husband left in the entire world, they know that losing the game means they are destined to be lonely old maids. I don’t think those girls ever got their shoes back.
The ladies on the winning team spend the night snuggling up to Sean, who in turn spends the night copping cheap feels of the ladies. Sean tells Lindsay he is excited about where this could possibly go (sound familiar?), and gives her a kiss. We get to see his tongue again. I threw up a little Ben & Jerry’s.
Desiree gets the next one on one time. Sean fondles her ass while they sit on the couch and she tells him that she is deep and happy all the time. They exchange a few kisses, no tongue this time.
Amanda is up next and she has brought personality #4 (light and airy) to meet Sean. She tells Sean that his search for a wife is over because she is everything he wants in a relationship. Desiree overhears the conversation and questions whether Amanda is here for Sean. No Desiree- Amanda is here for Chris Harrison. A few minutes later, Amanda’s personality #8 (dark and creepy) comes out while she tells Desiree that she is going to get a rose tonight.
Kacie witnesses the exchange between Amanda and Desiree and decides that she must tell Sean what is going on. Seriously Kacie, have you not watched this show before? How could you forget what happened to Emily when she complained to Ben about Courtney? RULE #1- NEVER EVER tell the Bachelor about the bullshit going on between the girls. NEVER tell him which girl is a bitch. DO NOT gossip with him about the other women. It ALWAYS backfires! RULE #2- when in doubt, see Rule #1. Sean is annoyed with Kacie and tells her to stop acting like a “crazy person.” You can guarantee things aren’t going your way when the Bachelor calls you crazy to your face.
At the end of the group date Lindsay gets the rose and Kacie gets drunk.
AshLee’s One on One
While the beach drama is unfolding, another date card arrives at the mansion. Tierra opens it up and tells AshLee and Selma that they have the next one on one date. The girls are about to go ballistic when Tierra fessed up that only AshLee is going on the next date, and adding Selma’s name was her idea of a joke. One arm Sarah does not think this is funny and babbled on in her annoying voice about how uncool it was.
AshLee can’t wait to tell Sean all about her foster care past. Just as she says “nothing can go wrong today,” we hear CLUNK CLUNK CRASH coming from somewhere in the house. Tierra is lying at the bottom of the stairs with a large cameraman hovering over her. The EMTs arrive and put her in a neck brace. She is all set for a trip to the hospital, but suddenly refuses medical attention and makes a miraculous recovery as soon as Sean walks through the door. The ladies are not happy with Tierra’s little “stunt.” AshLee’s lip gloss starts to dry up because Sean postpones their date so he can take Tierra outside for some alone time. I guess he wanted to make sure Tierra was OK. He also wanted to rub her ass before his special date with AshLee. I’m hoping the other ladies don’t start throwing themselves down the stairs, over the balcony or off the mansion roof in an attempt to garner some extra alone time with Sean.
After a short Tierra caused delay, Sean and AshLee finally arrive at Six Flags Magic Mountain. Sean tells AshLee that even though they have the park to themselves, they won’t be alone on this date. Instead, they will be joined by two terminally ill girls. Sean is eager to see if AshLee is compassionate and caring enough to share her date with these girls. As if she had a choice. AshLee is very impressed that Sean is such a good guy and seeing him help others thrills her heart. As if he had a choice. As much as it warmed my heart to see those girls enjoy a day at Six Flags, I was terrified watching the girl with the tube in her neck go on those rides.
The night ends with the 4 of them enjoying a concert by Sean’s favorite band, The Eli Young Band. (WHO?). It’s sad that ABC didn’t spring for Justin Bieber and really make those girls’ dreams come true.
AshLee and Sean finally get some alone time and she tells Sean about her physically abusive foster homes. She talks about the importance of adopting older children and Sean reveals adopting older children is something that has always been in his heart. Really Sean? Sean chokes back tears as AshLee tells the story of meeting her Dad for the first time at a gas station. Sean is impressed with AshLee and has fallen in love again for the third time in two days. As they share a passionate first kiss, we are treated to another shot of Sean’s tongue.
The theme of the night’s cocktail party was “who can wear the shortest dress.” They looked like 12-year-old girls at a bar mitzvah.
Once again, one arm Sarah got special attention when Sean arranged for her dog to show up in a limo. It’s a good thing Sean hasn’t noticed her disability.
Tierra is enjoying some one on one time with Sean until Destinee pulls him away. Tierra is PISSED and wants to punch some walls. That’s two weeks in a row that Tierra wanted to punch something. After mulling it over, Tierra goes back and pulls Sean away from Destinee. Now Destinee is PISSED. Lindsay starts complaining about Tierra and then everyone is PISSED. Lesley M. steals him. Then Leslie H. pulls him away. Then Robyn wants some one on one. Sean notices that things are “different” all of a sudden. Ya think? That’s what you get when you put 16 single 20-30 something year old desperate to get married nuts under the same roof.
In a last ditch attempt to save herself from the ride of shame home, Kacie tried to smooth things over with Sean, only to be interrupted by Selma and AshLee.
Lesley M, Lindsay and AshLee already have roses. Just as Sean is about to hand out the first rose, he calls Kacie aside and drops the “let’s be friends” bomb on her and sends her home. He said he wanted to spare her from having to go through another rose ceremony. Truth be told, he wasn’t thrilled when he saw her get out of the limo on the first night, and she was getting as stale as two-day old bread. Someone in the house should have spared Kacie from wearing that dress.
Roses go to Tierra, Leslie H, Catherine, Daniella, Robyn, Selma, Sarah, Jackie, Amanda and “Des.” Going home are Taryn and Kristy. Taryn cries that she wasn’t sweet enough for him, and Kristy just cries.
Next week- Roller derby and Tierra yelling “I can’t be tortured like this.” See you next week!!