By Denise Weiss
Week 4 of The Bachelor starts out with a bang! If shirtless Sean doesn’t do it for you anymore, no worries. This week we are introduced to “pantless” Sean in his black Calvin Klein boxer briefs. It was quite a way to warm up a cold, rainy Monday night.
Someone needs to get Chris Harrison a watch because he keeps showing up at the mansion very early in the morning. So early in fact that most of the women are make-up-less, bra-less and wearing their “I only wear these at night after I take out my contacts” glasses. Once again, poker dealer Leslie H. cries real tears that she wants a one on one date with Sean. Unfortunately, it’s another bust for Leslie H. Speaking of busts, Selma gets the one on one and happily skips off to change into different sweatpants and tank top for her big date.
Selma’s One on One
Sean arrives at the mansion via limo and whisks Selma away to what she hopes is someplace exotic and luxurious, despite the fact that she is wearing gym clothes and sneakers. The limo takes the couple to a waiting jet where Sean and Selma hold hands and get to know each other a little better. Selma feels so comfortable with Sean that she drapes herself across his lap and tells him that she weighs 110 pounds. Yeah, sure Selma. I think your breasts alone weigh 110 pounds. Maybe i’m just being petty and jealous, because if I weighed 110 pounds, I would probably tattoo it across my forehead.
Selma is very disappointed when the jet lands in the desert, and she starts complaining about the heat. “I hate the heat” “The heat frustrates me” “The heat makes me puffy” “I don’t do heat” Wah wah wah. As if being in the desert isn’t bad enough, Sean and Selma are going to spend the afternoon rock climbing. Now Selma starts complaining that she doesn’t like heights and feels nauseous. As you would predict, Sean gives Selma the courage she needs to overcome her fear of heights and climb to the top (or be hoisted up by people already at the top). As they climb, we are treated to shots down Selma’s shirt and up Sean’s shorts.
When nightfall arrives, Sean takes Selma on a romantic date to a trailer park. No, really. They sit on a bench in a make-shift trailer park complete with plastic pink flamingos and talk about their past dating lives. It was at that moment that I paused the TV, called my girls into my room, sat them down on my bed, pointed at the TV and said “If a boy ever takes you on a date at a place like that, pull out your mace, spray him in the eyes and run! I don’t care how cute he is.” Just another example of how poorly ABC is faring in today’s tough economic times.
Although Selma hated the heat and complained about rock climbing, she referred to the trailer as “country glam.” I was thinking more along the lines of “country gross.” I kept waiting for Honey Boo Boo to run by. As Sean and Selma snuggle under a blanket, Selma tells Sean that she grew up in a very strict, conservative Muslim household and kissing him on TV will give her mother a heart attack. Don’t worry though, because fondling, snuggling and a little rub and tickle under the blanket won’t be a problem for Selma’s mom.
Sean is crazy about Selma, and despite her being puffy from the heat of the desert, Selma gets the rose.
The group date card arrives and Sean “wants a woman who can roll with the punches.” Lindsay, Robyn, Jackie, Catherine, Amanda, AshLee, Sarah and Tierra are the lucky recipients of the 8 on 1 date with Sean. Amanda is excited because she really wants to throw some punches, and Tierra is mad because she “don’t need no chaperones.”
The ladies pile into the limo, drink mimosas and arrive at a large warehouse where they find out they will be playing roller derby. This is the same group of girls who could barely play beach volleyball last week, so drunk roller derby sounds like a disaster. It doesn’t take long before most of the women are on sprawled out on the floor like Bambi on ice skates. The girls spend most of their time falling, and I’m sure Sean had other ideas when he envisioned the ladies on their knees. Tierra is happy that she is going to get some aggression out by throwing elbows at the other girls. Nice.
Speaking of happy, Amanda must have taken someone else’s meds, because she is more than a little manic this week. (Personality #3- psychotic big evil smile). In an effort to get a psychological edge over the other girls, Amanda lies and says she’s played roller derby before. Amanda is “totally killing it” until she falls on her face and is taken to the Emergency Room. Karma.
Sarah, who by the way only has one arm, is determined to participate but instead spends most of the time crying about how she can’t balance on skates. In all fairness to Sarah, it probably would have been easier for her to climb up the big rock with Sean and Selma than it was to roller skate. After some encouragement from Sean, Sarah manages to make it around the rink a few times. I was afraid she was going to fall and land on her stump.
After Amanda is taken to the emergency room with what may be a broken jaw, Sean decides that it’s more important that his future wife be able open her mouth at the end of the date and suggests that the rest of the night be spent in a couples skate. The date ends old-school with everyone skating to Foolish Heart by Steve Perry; it was very reminiscent of my middle school days at the Commack Roller Rink.
After a long day of bumps and bruises, it’s time for wine (and whine) and drama. Sean takes Sarah for some alone time and tells her he was impressed by her. Although I agree that skating with one arm is difficult, it would have been more impressive if Sarah only had one leg and managed to make it around the rink a couple of times.
Amanda comes back from the hospital and decides to play the sympathy card. In her own words, she is going to “play dirty and milk the heck out it.” Sean kisses her small bruise, but Amanda is disappointed with a kiss on the chin. Amanda tells the camera she wishes she had hurt her tonsils so she could jam her tongue down Sean’s throat, and proceeds to pretend to make out with the cameraman. Oh yeah- you’re sane.
Tierra starts feeling the pressure of the group date and is worried that Amanda or Sarah may get a “sympathy rose.” Not to be outdone by those bitches, Tierra launches an imaginary fight with Robyn and storms off in her shorty hot pants and heels, no doubt looking for another staircase to fall down. The other ladies dub her “Tierrable” and rip her apart behind her back. She throws a fake “I don’t want to be here anymore” tantrum to the producers and runs off in search of Sean. Meanwhile, Sean and Lindsay are heading to the hot tub, completely unaware that there is a Tierraist attack waiting for them! Tierra crouches in a dark corner in wait of Sean, and performs hot tub interruptus. Poor Lindsay is standing around in her bathing suit while Tierra cries to Sean that she can’t take it anymore, and the women are torturing her. She goes on to say that girls have always been jealous of her and she hates drama. RED FLAG, RED FLAG, RED FLAG! Sean- Listen up- when a girl tells you that other girls are jealous of her, that is a sign to RUN as fast as you can in the other direction! Otherwise, you end up with your bunny on the stove in a pot of boiling water. Tierra says she is sensitive and emotional. Face it Tierra- you are just bat shit crazy. Much to the other girls’ dismay, Sean gives Tierra the “insanity rose.” Looks like Amanda broke her jaw for nothing.
Leslie H’s One on One
While Tierra is successfully executing her evil plan, another date card arrives at the mansion. And the date goes to… Hooray- Leslie H. finally gets a one on one! The date card reads “this could be forever,” and comes with a pair of diamond earrings. Leslie is so excited about the earrings that she exclaims “Holy Moly Batman.” Really Leslie? Holy Moly Batman? The funny part about the Batman reference is that Leslie’s mouth is too big for her face, making her look a lot like the Joker.
Sean arrives for the date driving an impressive car and wearing one of Ben Flajnik’s vests. Leslie thanks him for the earrings (she says “Holy Moly Batman” again) and off they go to do some shopping on Rodeo Drive. This date is known as the “Pretty Woman” date, which means that Leslie H. is nothing more than a cheap hooker.
They arrive at Badgley Mischka where Leslie tries on some dresses. After a few quick changes, Leslie decides on a green dress. We know that the green dress is the winner because Leslie comes out of the dressing room and says “winner winner chicken dinner.” Oy. Our self-proclaimed “tan Julia Roberts” also gets shoes, a purse, and a 120 carat Neil Lane necklace (which did not look good with the dress) and off to dinner they go.
Despite Sean’s best efforts to create the most romantic shopping and dining experience ever, he doesn’t feel a connection with Leslie H. and knows that he has to do the right thing. Being the gentleman that he is, he picks up the rose, waves it in Leslie’s face and says “Loser loser you don’t even get to finish your chicken dinner.” OK he didn’t really say that, but he did ask for the necklace back. The girls at the mansion smirk with glee as a producer retrieves Leslie H.’s rather small duffle bag, and Tierra polishes off an entire plate of nacho cheese Doritos.
With only 12 women left, Sarah declares that “you can definitely sense that there are fewer girls standing in the room tonight.” Thanks for the insight Sarah but for those of us who don’t have a sixth sense, we just counted. I shouldn’t pick on Sarah- after all, in order for her to count to 12 she would have to take off both of her shoes.
AshLee spends some time with Sean, and Tierra and Amanda hold a bi-polar support group meeting. Tierra tells Amanda that on the group date, Robyn attacked her for no reason, and doesn’t like that she is taking all the heat. Don’t you just hate it when the mean women blame the poor innocent girl for everything? At the end of the day, Tierra is not going to let someone bash a hammer over her head (which may explain the dent in her forehead) and makes amends with Robyn.
Speaking of Robyn- the “I can’t bear to watch” moment of the night belongs to her and her alone. In a desperate attempt to come up with a clever pick-up line, Robyn holds up a miniature Hershey bar, peels back the foil and seductively asks Sean “do you like the taste of chocolate?” Upon Sean answering “Yes,” Robyn holds the chocolate closer to her and says “which chocolate do you want to taste?” I assume what happened next was that Sean leaned in and chose to kiss chocolate Robyn instead of kissing the chocolate Hershey bar. I don’t know exactly what happened because at that moment I smothered my face in my pillow and prayed for Robyn to stop with the chocolate metaphor. I did look up in time to see Robyn go in for a second kiss and it was clear that Sean wished he had chosen the Hershey bar. Don’t worry Sean- it’s almost safe to let Robyn go.
Selma and Tierra already have roses so they are safe. Sean gives yet another speech about how he is emotionally invested and is CONFIDENT that he JUST MIGHT find the one that was meant for him. The remaining roses go to Catherine, Des, Lindsay, Leslie M., Robyn, AshLee, Sarah, Jackie and Daniella. Amanda does not get a rose and feels rejected and hurt. The frantic look in her eyes suggests that she is looking for a weapon. So long crazy lady!
Next week- Episodes on Monday and Tuesday and Frozen Tierra!