The Vanderpump Rules Vacation

Lesley Rousso in front of SUR. Lesley lives in Miami, FL and is a Bravo fan and TBB correspondent.

Lesley Rousso in front of SUR. Lesley lives in Miami, FL and is a Bravo fan and TBB correspondent.

By Lesley Rousso

My husband needed to go to LA for business and wanted me to go, which I of course jumped at because I love California. We had never been without the kids which made it the perfect opportunity to do things there we hadn’t done before, like a Bravo crawl. Darren needless to say, was thrilled at that prospect…not!

When we are with the kiddos we usually stay in Santa Monica but this time we booked right in the 90210. We got a great rate at the Beverly Wilshire, yes, that’s the Pretty Woman hotel. I warn you though, things look smaller than they actually appear on TV. But enough about Jax Taylor, I’ll get to him later.
On our first full day there, Darren went to Santa Barbara for business, so I was on my own for most of the day. I lounged in the room for quite a while, drinking my thirty, yes THIRTY, dollar pot of coffee for one and then decided to hit the pavement. Upon leaving Saks I was walking down Bedford Avenue and saw a Bentley coming towards me with a license plate that read “Pinky”. It was no other than, you guessed it, Lisa’s Vanderpump’s husband Ken Todd! Now thank god the street wasn’t crowded because I yelled out, ” Look, it’s Ken!” to no one in particular. I did get some very odd looks from a couple of window washers but what the hell, I just had my first celebrity sighting and it was a Bravoleb, I couldn’t have been more thrilled!

So I kept walking down the street in the land of Prada and plastic, and what did I come upon next? Kyle by Alene ,Kyle Richards‘ store! Who you ask, was working there? Kyle’s daughter Farrah! The store by the way, is to die for and I would’ve spent a mint in there if I hadn’t just had a couple hundred dollars worth of fun at Saks. Great stuff, great decor! Did Faye (Resnick) really decorate it? I wish we had one in Miami! On I travel making my way down Camden and next came upon, a mere few doors down, Villa Blanca! It was lunchtime and it was packed. I promised myself to go back the next day.

Later that day we took a drive to Venice to see a friend and got stuck in the worst, and I mean the worst traffic I have ever seen on the way back to town. We were not on the freeway either. This was right on Wilshire and it took us almost two hours to get back. I almost vomited from it, it was that bad, plus I was afraid we would miss our 8:45 Sur reservation. God forbid!

We made it, fashionably late, around 10 minutes, due to a shirt that was very difficult to put on. I swear it took me 15 minutes to figure out the sleeves! We entered on the lounge side and the hostess who was very nice, told us it would be a few minutes, so we headed to the bar for a drink while we waited. Well hello there Jax! Yes, Jax was tending bar and yes he is shorter than he appears, but ridiculously handsome. I told him what I wanted, a Patron Anjeo margarita on the rocks no salt. Darren started to tell him what he wanted and he basically ignored him and started to pour me the wrong tequila. Now I have a terrible reaction to silver tequila so there was no way in hell I was drinking this, I don’t care what show he’s on. So I corrected him. He then proceeded to tell me that nobody drinks the Anjeo. Well cutie pie, I drink it and I know plenty of people who drink it as well, and I’m from Miami trick, not the boon docks. No offense if you live in the boon docks though. He made my new drink, quite obviously annoyed which was super amusing to me. I do have to say, once he got it right, he did pour a good cocktail.

Next the hostess, who really couldn’t have been friendlier, took us to our table and we were greeted by our waiter Matt, also very friendly! I ordered the lobster bisque and a filet and both were delicious. Darren had the carrot soup and ahi tuna, also very good. The ambiance is fantastic but they use every bit of free space. You are literally on top of the next table. That doesn’t bother me in the slightest but if it bothers you, you may want to think twice. The whole place has a classy loungey feel.

We spotted Scheana (Marie) who is gorgeous and Stassi (Schroeder), Tom (Sandoval) and Kristen (Doute). Tom was at what I think was the service bar, I had no interaction with him. I did however overhear Stassi and Kristen, while I was waiting for the bathroom, telling some people “Haven’t you heard of Vanderpump Rules?”. I’m guessing they hadn’t, we can’t all be Bravoholics now can we?

We dined at Villa Blanca the following night, which was quite good and crowded. Our waiter was Dan and we did have an ex football player/sportscaster sitting at the table next to us. I honestly had no clue but my husband did. A 49ers player I think.
Now, as I finish this I’m going over last night’s finale in my head. Guess Jax, or shall we call him Jason, didn’t take a very long leave of absence. On another note, trying to get tickets now to The Blacks Annual Gala for all you RHOM fans. Stay tuned…

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The Bachelor Season 17 Episode 9

AshLee goes home. Photo:ABC.com

AshLee goes home. Photo:ABC.com

By Denise Weiss

Overnight dates in Thailand

Welcome back rose lovers.  It is week 9 and that means no more judgmental sisters and crazy brothers, but rather overnight dates and fantasy suites!  Sean is in Thailand, where he will have the opportunity to spend the night in the fantasy suite with Catherine, AshLee and Lindsay.  The question is will those fantasy suites go to waste, because Sean is a born-again virgin.  At least according to the supermarket tabloids he is.  Although Sean got laid regularly during his college days, he no longer believes in pre-marital sex and is waiting until his wedding night to be intimate again.  Technically Sean, that doesn’t make you a virgin.  Sorry to tell you this, but virginity is one of those things that once you lose, you can’t get it back.  It’s not like when you lose your glasses and later find them on the top of your head and say “Oh look, I found my glasses.”   I know your preacher would be proud of your decision to find religion, but come on Sean.  Confession may be good for the soul, but it does nothing to restore the virginity.

Sean walks along the beach, struts across the lobby, swings in a hammock, sits in front of a fountain, and sadly realizes that he is down to his last three girls.  The remaining three are so unique, yet so different, and he is freaking CRAZY about all of them.  He is glad to be in Thailand so he can focus on his three lady loves.  Being far away from Brother Nate ain’t such a bad thing either.

As a quick recap, Sean reminds us how he feels about each of the women.  He loves Catherine because she is sweet, intelligent, weird, nerdy and goofy.   AshLee has amazing qualities that make their relationship the strongest out of the three girls- she has a big heart, is giving and caring, and open and honest.  And she likes to yell random things at the top of her lungs.  He is humbled by how much she loves him.  The rest of us are just creeped out by it.  When it comes to Lindsay, he describes their relationship as “the spark that grew into a flame.”  That’s probably because she is a little ball of sex who loves to kiss Sean every chance she gets.  He describes her as “so much more than the crazy girl in the wedding dress.”   Maybe Lindsay can use that line on her Match.com profile.

He can’t believe his heart is torn in so many directions blah blah blah. Stop talking already and just lean on the edge of the pool looking shirtless and pretty.

Lindsay

Sean’s first date in Thailand is with Lindsay.   Lindsay greets him in a lime green skirt and tight white tank and after way too many kisses they are off on their adventure.  They arrive at the Si Kao market and Lindsay is psyched!!   Apparently all Lindsay wants to do is go back to Dallas with Sean and go to the grocery store.  If that’s the case, then she would be really envious of my life- I was at the supermarket three times yesterday.   As they stroll through the market, they ooh and ahh over neon painted chicks, share an apple and walk around sampling the local cuisine.  Lindsay does a great job pretending to be blown away by Sean’s pathetically dragging her around a market in Thailand, but her enthusiasm is not enough for Sean.  Sean decides he needs to make sure she is really wife material by making her eat fried bugs and grasshoppers, even though she specifically said “I will try anything but I won’t eat bugs.”  His theory goes something like this- Sean wants an adventurous wife, and he thinks that eating fried grasshoppers is adventurous, therefore Lindsay must eat the grasshopper if she wants to be Mrs. Sean Lowe.  It doesn’t seem to matter to Sean that Lindsay is near tears from the thought of eating the bugs.  No, apparently he wants to be the kind of husband who makes his wife eat bugs.  That doesn’t make you a good husband Sean, it makes you an asshole.  And seriously Lindsay, the next time some guy tells you to eat a bug, tell him to go f*@k himself.

It starts to rain so they decide to leave the market and head to the beach.  Good plan. They sit on the beach in the rain and Lindsay realizes that it is time for her to tell him she loves him.  Despite the fact that she looks like a drowned rat, Sean tells her she is the best friend he has been looking for.  Even with bug carcass on her breath, it is clear that Sean is really into her and they share a passionate kiss.  The next thing we see is Sean and Lindsay on the beach feeding monkeys at sunset.  They walk into the water, kiss in front of the monkeys, and Sean confirms that Lindsay could be his wife.

Later that night, Sean and Lindsay meet up for dinner in front of what looks like a carnival in a mall parking lot.  Sean thinks that Lindsay will love having dinner in front of these floats because she has loved the culture so far today.  Oh yeah, the market, fried bugs and monkey feeding are exactly the kind of culture every girl dreams of.

While Lindsay picks bug guts from her teeth, Sean falls deeper in love and further cements his belief that he could marry her.  They sit down to dinner and Lindsay says “I am so crazy in love with this man.”  I hate when they call him “this man.”  I know you may have forgotten his name since you really haven’t known him for very long, but just to remind you, his name is Sean.  Anyway, she wants to tell what’s his name that she loves him, but clearly the bug’s got her tongue because she can’t get the words out.  As Sean talks about being engaged and picking out a house, you can tell he is smitten with Lindsay.   Lindsay gets tongue tied by Sean’s tongue in her mouth and agains stumbles around saying the “L” word.  Just as she is about to spill the love beans, music blasts from behind them and a troupe of Thai dancers parade around and spoil the moment.  I hate when that happens.  As they watch the traditional dance in front of them, Sean asks Lindsay if she will dance for him later.  Of course she will- you got her to eat bugs for G-d’s sake- can you imagine what you are going to be able to get her to do in the fantasy suite?  When the dancers finally leave, surprise! Sean pulls out an invitation from Chris Harrison that should they chose to forgo their individual rooms, they can spend the night as a couple in the fantasy suite.  “No distractions, no disruptions, just you and me.”  Without missing a beat, Lindsay says “Yes” jumps up and  literally runs to the fantasy suite.  Don’t get too excited Lindsay- virgin Sean’s preacher is watching.

OK Lindsay, it’s time to shit or get off the pot.  Sean gives her ample opportunity to say the magic words, but Lindsay just can’t get herself to say how she feels.  Probably because she is only 24 years old.  My husband has T-shirts that are older than Lindsay (he really does and I better not dare throw them out).  The difference is my husband loves his T-shirts and tells them so on a regular basis.  After giggles and long hhhmmmms, Lindsay finally blurts out the quickest, most pathetic “I love you” in the history of dating.  At least I think that’s what she said because it was one big garbled mess.  It was like listening to Charlie Brown’s teacher say “Iwovyou.”  Sean feels inspired.  I still feel nauseous from watching Lindsay eat the bugs.

AshLee

Enough of that love and best friend stuff with Lindsay- it’s time to move on to his date with AshLee.  AshLee has absolutely no problem telling Sean that she loves him, but Sean seems embarrassed by her numerous declarations of love.

In the words of Shakespeare, how do you love thee Sean- let us count the ways- “I am here with the love of my life,” “I love being here with you,” “I’m just this school girl who is in love,” “Sean probably is my true love,” “I love Sean more than words can express.”  All that in 17 seconds.  Pathetic.

Sean thinks it might be fun to screw with the girl with trust issues, and he tells AshLee that in order to get to their destination, she has to swim in a dark tunnel.  AshLee says “I don’t do caves.”  Sorry to tell you Ash, but you won’t do Sean either, because he is a faux virgin.

In case you forgot, AshLee was abandoned, she has fears of being abandoned and her abandonment fears stem from when she was young and was abandoned.  Does she never tire of this?  This little journey in the dark is the perfect time for metaphors about love and tunnels, and AshLee does not let us down!  When they see the light at the end of the tunnel, AshLee declares that  this has been life changing for her, and she is now able to let go of her fears.  I seriously doubt that Sean, and just be warned that if you marry AshLee, the first time you are late coming home and you don’t answer your phone, you will come home to find AshLee running around the front yard with her arms up in the air yelling “abandoned!”

If Sean asked her to marry him, she would say YES.  This surprises no one.

Nightfall arrives and Sean and AshLee sit down for dinner.  Surprisingly, AshLee admits that she is head over heels in love with Sean, and every part of her being wants to be engaged to him next week.  I just threw up in my mouth.  They discuss why neither of them is already married, and Sean says it’s because in his early 20s he was chasing other things.  I bet they were all blonde and wearing short skirts.

AshLee is really stressed out about the fantasy suite because she is a very moral girl.  Boy scout virgin Sean pulls out the invitation to the fantasy suite and explains that his intention for their time in the suite is for them to stay up and talk all night.  After rambling on for a while in her annoying voice, Ash finally agrees to take him up on his offer to hang out in the fantasy suite and talk.  I believe there is a word for a couple who goes on vacation, spends the night in a beautiful suite with wine and champagne and doesn’t have sex, and that word is MARRIED.

Sean tells AshLee that he is falling in love with her, but although his words say yes, his face and body language betray him.  He may think she is sweet and feel bad for her, but he isn’t attracted to her the same way he is attracted to Lindsay.  That doesn’t stop him from blowing smoke up her ass about his feelings for her.   AshLee believes that she is “The One” and tells him that she wants a size 6 1/2 cushion ring with diamonds all the way around.  Note to single women- don’t do this.  Sean is her soul mate and she loves this man and this man has healed her broken heart.  She will spend the rest of her life with this man.  OMG his name is Sean, and you are so going home this week.   I hope that there is a big bottle of Xanax in the limo for when he sends her home to Deborah and Bruce.

Catherine

Sean saved the best for last, because the chemistry between Sean and Catherine was unbelievable.  They board a junk boat and cruise around Thailand for a while, declaring how much they missed each other.  Sean tells Catherine that he likes her because she is silly yet serious.  She responds by saying that she is weird.  He likes weird and tells her he needs a best friend and she fits the mold.  Hey, Sean, what about your BFF Lindsay?  Weird is the new abandoned and it seems to be the glue that holds their relationship together.  Concerned about her willingness to commit, Sean asks if she will move to Dallas.   Catherine responds that she is pretty much over Seattle, and wants to get away from her bitch sisters anyway, so she would be happy to move to Dallas.

Catherine sends up a red flag when she admits she ran away from her last committed relationship, but Sean doesn’t seem to care.  Catherine has put his mind at ease despite the fact that she avoids eye contact with him while they are talking.  He is completely taken with Catherine and it is written all over his face, not to mention their body language as they snorkel and make out so intensely that they cause a lightning storm.  Sean’s tongue makes a reappearance but who can focus on that when his pecs and biceps are staring at me in all their glory.

The heat doesn’t let up later in the night either.  Sean admits he can see himself marrying Catherine and asks her to picture their lives 5 years from now.  She pictures them married, with kids and happy.  Sean tells her that he can see himself marrying her, and at this moment it is clear that there is a lot going on between them.  Catherine is concerned about the fantasy suite because “there is no way I would do that.”  Have these girls not seen this show before?  What’s with all the morality all of a sudden?  He tells her the same thing he told AshLee (I just want for us to hang out and talk) and suddenly Catherine’s morality flies out the window.  Catherine wants to be treated like a lady, which is funny coming from the girl who told him that she is a vegetarian who loves the beef.  Remember that? Oh and did I not just hear her say that she wants to get intimate with Sean?  What is all this morality crap?

Catherine is shocked by the fact that a boy as hunky and beefy as Sean would be interested in a girl like her who eats too much and is chubby in a bathing suit.  OMG are you freaking kidding me?  They must find these contestants at a support group for women with low self-esteem.  They gaze into each others eyes during a moment of silence, while all of the women in America are screaming at their TV’s “tell him you love him!”  The chemistry between them is the strongest of the three couples and the sexual, romantic tension between them under the stars in the pool in the fantasy suite was mesmerizing until Chris Harrison broke in babbling about some Disney movie.  Thanks a lot Chris.

Rose Ceremony

Shirtless Sean runs his fingers through his hair and confesses that he knows who he is sending home this week.  Duh.  Even my 11 year old figured that out. (Don’t judge me- she likes the show).   He confirms to Chris that he has in fact fallen in love and has found his wife.

At this point, the best thing for Sean to do would be to quickly give out the roses and let the loser go home with a monkey as a parting gift.  But that wouldn’t be as much fun as showing the private videos that the women recorded for Sean in which they appear needy and desperate.  Lindsay says she wants to be his wife, but still can’t say “I love you.”  Catherine calls him a hunk and says she gets the wiggles when she thinks of him.  AshLee cries when she tells him that he is the one person in the whole world who has been able to fix her broken-ness.  It is clear from the look on his face that he is going to say goodbye to AshLee, and watching her video makes him feel like a real shit.  I think someone needs to call Dr. Phil right now and have him on standby.

During the longest rose ceremony to date, Sean hands the first rose to Lindsay, then the second and final rose goes to Catherine.

Does AshLee cry, break down, stand on a chair and yell abandoned?  No. She just stands there and gives him the death stare.  She is definitely formulating a plan to boil his bunny, and it’s just a matter of time before her head spins around and she vomits pea soup all over Sean.  AshLee shows restraint and walks away without saying goodbye to Lindsay or Catherine.  The death stare never leaves her face.  Sean tries to walk her to the reject SUV, but she tells him to “just stay there.”   She gracefully climbs into the third row of the car (the one I banish my children to when they start to fight with each other) and still hasn’t said a word to him.  She gives him the silent treatment which proves to me that she will make a really good wife one day.  I was so proud!  It took the really damaged woman to walk away with some dignity.  When she finally speaks, she says “I loved him and it’s the ultimate reject.”  Perhaps she should call Brother Nate so he can help with the use of the big word “rejection.”  She mumbles a Satanic prayer of evil on Sean’s soul, whips out her iPhone and reactivates her account on Christian Singles.  Sean hangs his head at the fountain in a gesture of shame and heartbreak, but is really thinking “Phew, I got off easy on that one but still I better remember to text my mom and tell her to hide my bunny.”

Next week, The Women Tell All.

The Bachelor Season 17 Episode 8

Will even Tierra seem sane after some crazy hometown dates? Photo:ABC.com

Will even Tierra seem sane after some crazy hometown dates? Photo:ABC.com

By Denise Weiss

It is week 8 of The Bachelor, which means hometown dates!! This is also the week that the show gets really boring, especially since Sean sent our resident evil girl Tierra back to the depths of the hell from which she came. Our remaining 4 women will take Sean home to meet their families. In case you forgot, the last 4 hopefuls are AshLee “let me remind you that I was abandoned,” Catherine “I’m cute but not sure how I made it this far,” Desiree “my parents live in a tent” and Lindsay “let me jam my tongue down your throat again.”

AshLee

We begin our hometown journey in the Lonestar State with AshLee’s dog peeing in a field. This is the same abandoned lot that AshLee lays down a sheet in the tall weeds for her romantic picnic date with Sean. AshLee has been dreaming about this for as far back as she can remember. Honestly, what girl doesn’t dream about dating a guy who is also dating 4 other women? AshLee goes on and on about how madly, deeply in love she is with Sean. Sean on the other hand, isn’t even a little bit in love with AshLee. He is crazy about her though. As the date starts, AshLee introduces Sean to the dog, who I was hoping would hump Sean’s leg. No such luck. They share a bottle of wine and discuss how both of their fathers are clergy. AshLee wants to marry a man like her  dad and Sean fits the bill. She trusts him and is ready to commit to him, because he is the man to protect her heart. Oh no- not that guard and protect my heart crap again. Please don’t run out and tattoo that on your arm AshLee. While they talk, AshLee rubs Sean’s leg with her stubby, sparkly manicured nails and tells him about how she was abandoned when she was younger. For some reason, AshLee loves to throw her hands in the air and yell “hooray,” and today is no different. So with a big whoop and cheer AshLee says ”let’s go meet my family.”

AshLee introduces Sean to Deborah and Bruce and they sit down in the backyard for lunch. AshLee tells her parents about her dip in the frigid waters of Lake Louise and starts to cry. Then she tells her preacher father and conservative mother (who she hated so much that she married a loser at 17 to get away from her) that she did some dry humping on the beach in St. Croix. Dad did not look happy and is formulating a sermon in his head that involves fire, brimstone and Sean. Mom pulls Sean aside and asks if he is going to break AshLee’s heart. Sean tells mom he is crazy about her. In the course of a 3 minute conversation we hear the word “abandon” no less that 39 times. Dad tells the story about adopting 4 year old AshLee and he starts to cry. At that point I started to cry out of boredom. When the date was over 10 minutes later, Sean walked away with AshLee’s parents’ approval and a complete list of her meds.

As the date ends, AshLee proclaims her love for Sean again, but this time says “WE are in love.” Check again Ash- from the cheap seats it looks like only one of you is actually in love. I hope Deb and Bruce know the number of a good therapist because she is going to need it when Sean is the next in line to abandon AshLee.

Catherine

Sean next travels to Seattle to meet Catherine, a woman who he could see as his future wife. Their first stop through the Pike Place Market is a ride on a mechanical pig. I don’t get it. Then they engage in some strange fish catching game. I don’t get that either. As they walk down the street Catherine says she loves the way Sean smells, and his big beefy arms. I believe the smell you are referring to is raw fish. As if playing football with dead fish wasn’t gross enough, Sean and Catherine’s next stop in Seattle involves a wall full of chewed gum. Good times.

It’s finally time to meet Catherine’s family, which consists of Grandma “graham cracker” Lola, Big Mama, and Catherine’s two sisters Drizella and Anastasia. Just kidding. I don’t remember their names, but it doesn’t really matter anyway. Dad won’t be there because he is locked up in a loony bin in China. Sean sticks out like a blonde sore thumb as he walks from room to room in Catherine’s house. Grandma Lola is very taken with Sean and watches as he does pushups with Catherine on his back. This must be one of Sean and Catherine’s favorite activities after gum wall sticking, because it isn’t the first time that they have done the push up on the back trick. Catherine’s sisters take her aside for a heart to heart and tell her that although this might have been fun in the beginning, she can’t seriously be considering getting engaged to this guy. The sisters then throw Catherine further under the bus when they tell Sean that she is messy and extremely moody. It would have been easier for the sisters to scream “Run Sean, Run” than to try to convince Sean that Catherine is not wife material. Even Catherine’s mom isn’t willing to give her approval and wants to take a “let’s wait and see” approach to this engagement. Hopefully Sean is taking in all this information (along with the eggrolls) before he finds himself engaged to a slob with mood swings. I thought I heard Sean mutter “cockblockers” under his breath as he left the house.

Lindsay

Sean meets up with Lindsay in her military hometown of Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri, where her Dad is a 2 star general. Sean’s biggest worry seems to be whether he should call Lindsay’s dad “Sir” or “General.” Maybe for shits and giggles Sean can just yell “Hey you- yeah, you. Big guy with the gun rack on the wall- I have been shoving my tongue down your daughter’s throat for the past few weeks and I have enjoyed EVERY minute of it.” That might be fun!! When Sean and Lindsay finally arrive at her house, Lindsay’s mom sprints across the room to meet Sean, knocking over her son and the kitchen table in the process. The family settles in the living room to talk, and Sean wants Lindsay’s dad to see that he is a man. Just how is Sean going to prove he is a man? Maybe he can play Russian roulette with the rifles on the wall. Although that would make for great TV, it might be detrimental to Sean and Lindsay’s future.

In an effort to win them over, Sean tells Lindsay’s parents about her wedding dress stunt on the first night. He is smart enough to leave out the fact that he almost sent the drunk Bride of Frankenwhore home. Mom asks Sean if he’s falling in love with Lindsay. He diplomatically responds that he’s not ready to say that yet, but he is crazy about her. Where have I heard that before?

General Dad does not look happy at all about this situation, but over a few beers and a convoluted answer he ultimately gives Sean permission to marry his daughter. At least I think he gave permission. He talked about being a paratrooper and I’m not exactly sure how that related to approving the union of your daughter to a man you have known for a few hours. Of course it was the best day of Lindsay’s life, and she drops the “L” word.

Desiree

Finally, the moment we have all been waiting for. Ever since Tierra was sent home, we have been hearing crickets. Until now that is, because now we are introduced to Brother Nate.

Des’s hometown date starts off weird and goes downhill from there. As we know, Des’ parents live in some kind of tent or treehouse or something, and since the camera crew, Des and Sean and her family wouldn’t all fit, the date takes place at Des’ place in Los Angeles. The date begins when Sean and Des meet on a hiking trail and go hiking I guess. They then head back to Des’s place, but before the night gets started there is a knock at the door. I was hoping it was Tierra looking to borrow Des’s make-up remover, but no such luck- it was only an ex-boyfriend who has come to reclaim Des. The ex-boyfriend named Nick professes his love for Des, and Sean gets mad. With fist clenched and an aggressive tone, he calls the guy out, only for Des to yell GOTCHA and save Nick the bad actor from getting pummeled. Sean says “good one” but you can tell he was not happy about being Punked! This prank wasn’t as funny as lets say someone pretending to be a slob and live at home with his parents. Sean can dish it but he can’t take it.

Now that the pranks are out of the way, Des’s real family shows up. It quickly becomes clear that Sean was better off with the bad actor ex-boyfriend. Mom Roxanne and Dad Tony seem like nice carny trailer folk, but there is something way off about them. They are quick to say that they would be thrilled to have Sean as a son in law. Ya think? They are probably hoping his family has a big lot of land so they can pitch a tent in the backyard and not have to worry about pulling the tent stakes and moving so often. Just when Roxanne and Tony were dreaming of running water and electricity, ex-felon tattoo covered Brother Nathan rears his ugly head and decides this whole thing just ain’t right. As the happy “family” sits down for dinner, Nate asks Sean ,”Yo buddy, can I holla at you real fast.” Fortunately Sean speaks gang yard prison and realizes this means “can I have a minute outside with you so we can talk in private.” Nate starts the “hollaing” by telling Sean that it is clear to him that Des is really into him, and that Sean is not “reciprocating.” He uses the word reciprocate 3 times to show Sean he is no dummy. I think he gave himself an aneurysm on the last one. Sean promises Nate that he is crazy about Des. There’s that word again. Nate isn’t buying it, and neither am I because at my count, Sean is crazy about 4 girls in 4 states. Brother Nate calls Sean a playboy and Sean is offended! Man whore probably would have been more accurate and less offensive to Sean’s character and integrity. When Sean and Nate return to the table, everyone is scared of what Nate might have said to Sean. They all had the look of “what have you done this time” on their faces. I’m sure that Nate’s parents got lots of phone calls from principals and police officers through the years. Or at least they would have, if they had a phone in their tent. Des can blame Brother Nate all she wants, but she was doomed the minute she told Sean that she had lived in a tent for months. I bet once dinner was over, Brother Nate grabbed his steak knife, put it in the front of his pants and was happily on his way back to Compton to meet with his parole officer.

How great would it have been if during the dinner Chris Harrison had walked in and said “Ladies and Gentleman, may I introduce you to our next Bachelor, Brother Nate”! Can you imagine the caliber of women that ABC could parade in front of us if Nate were the next bachelor? There would be tattoos and tequila everywhere!!

Rose Ceremony

Shirtless Sean finally makes an appearance this week, and we watch Sean pick out a tie and contemplate whether he should send Des or Catherine home. He meets with Chris and explains that Des is on the chopping block because of her brother, and Catherine is in question because she is a strong, independent career minded woman. Oh, and her family sucks.

Sean thanks the ladies for introducing him to their warm and welcoming families (what else was he supposed to say) and gets ready to hand out the roses. You would think that this would be a short, simple rose ceremony, but before the A or L could come out of his mouth, Des stops the rose ceremony and asks for alone time with Sean. Des thinks that she needs to plead her case and do Brother Nate damage control. There is nothing Des can say that will make Sean want to marry her and take his kids once a month to the state penitentiary to visit “Uncle Nate.”

Sean finally returns and resumes the rose ceremony. The first two roses go to AshLee and Lindsay, and as he’s about to hand out the third and final rose, Sean excuses himself to check on the status of the restraining order he filed against Brother Nate. After staring at Des and Catherine’s pictures, Catherine gets the final rose.

At this point, all we can hope for Des is that she leaves with her head held high and some dignity. Does that happen? Of course not. What does Des do instead? She begs. And holds on to him in a death grip. And cries on his shoulder. And tells him she is 100% sure that he is making a mistake. Not 99.9% mind you, but 100% sure. Sean has prayed for clarity, and his prayers were answered with a vision of him walking her to the limo. He tells her he is going to miss her, which only makes her cling even more. Finally Des is alone in the car and says “I don’t know what I’m going to do about my life.” This statement basically sums Des up, because Des clearly was delusional enough to think that The Bachelor was going to fulfill her life’s dreams.

Tonight the 3 remaining ladies will be going to Thailand, which means lots of shirtless Sean and fantasy suite dilemmas.