By Denise Weiss
This week we are treated to not one, but two episodes of The Bachelor. Yes, that means 4 hours of Sean and his great abs, chest and butt, right? Not on Monday night’s episode it doesn’t. Our first shot of Sean is in a prop plane, and to our dismay, he is wearing not one, but two shirts. No abs, no butt, lots of clothes. I’m a little disappointed, but I guess it would be weird if Sean flew to Montana in just his boxer briefs.
Once again, Chris Harrison shows up at the mansion at the crack of dawn and tells the women to pack their bags because they are going to…MONTANA! Really? Montana? Every girls’ dream! NOT! The women feign excitement, but are all thinking “I didn’t sign up for this shit so I could go to Montana!” Tierra is the only one who expresses her displeasure by saying “I’ll make the best of it” while swatting a fly. Oh and by the way, this week there will be a one on one, a group date, and a two on one date. Oh joy.
The one on one date card arrives, and Lindsay is the lucky winner! The date card reads “let love soar” which means there will be a helicopter. Unless the card reads “let love sore” which, in that case means that one of the girls has herpes.
Lindsay’s One on One
Lindsay is so happy about her date with Sean. She dons her best black and white flannel, steps out of the lodge and shrieks “is that a helicopter?” No Lindsay, it’s Air Force One. Sean is also dressed in flannel, and they board “the most bad ass helicopter ever.” Not sure what made it bad ass- it looked like a black helicopter to me. During the ride to Glacier National Park, Lindsay lets out lots of squeals that sound like someone stepping on a guinea pig. They arrive for a mountainside picnic that consists of a ratty blanket spread out on some dead grass and a lame picnic basket.
Just when we thought the date couldn’t get any more boring, Sean and Lindsay spend the night in front of a fireplace with a moose head above it and talk about her past. She recalls her war-torn adolescence and let’s Sean know she has some “daddy issues”. First of all, who uses the word adolescence other than Dr. Phil? Second, at least the daddy issues explain the wedding dress fiasco the first night. Of course they have a strong connection and after lots of kissing and leg groping, Lindsay gets the rose. For Sean’s sake, I hope Lindsay isn’t the one with herpes. Just when we think the date is over, Lindsay, Sean, and all 168 of the townspeople of Whitefish, Montana are treated to a concert by a wanna be country singer. The night ends and Lindsay is happy because “he likes me.” Did I mention before that she has daddy issues?
Back at the Big Moose Lodge, the group date card arrives. The stakes are high because the two girls who aren’t on the group date will be on the dreaded two on one. The group card reads “you make my heart race,” and Selma, AshLee, Desiree, Catherine, Sarah, Leslie, Robyn and Daniella are summoned to the farmlands of Montana for some good ole’ fashioned country competition. This leaves Tierra and Jackie for the two on one. At first, Tierra is “like so excited because I’ve been on all these group dates.” Not to be outdone by Tierra’s use of the word “like,” Jackie retorts “but I mean like no one comes out here to be like ‘OK I can’t wait for the two on one.’ Like no, we all want one on ones like that’s just natural.” Huh? Looks like Sean is going to be in for some meaningful conversation on that date.
The women arrive and Selma jumps on Sean, wrapping around his waist in a leg lock death grip. Kissing Sean on national television is a huge no-no, but apparently jumping on his junk in Montana is just fine. In order for Sean to find the perfect combination of glam and outdoorsy, the 8 women are going to participate in the Montana Wilderness Relay Race. They are divided into two teams (The Red Team is Selma, Desiree, Sarah and Robyn and the Blue Team is AshLee, Lesley, Daniella and Catherine) and are going to compete in four events: the canoe race, hay bucking (whatever the buck that is), log sawing and goat milking. For the finale, someone on each team has to drink the freshly squeezed goat milk. Desiree and Lesley are overly enthusiastic about this and will swallow whatever it takes to spend time with Sean. Even the goats look offended.
The girls change into their team colored flannels and discuss which woman will tackle each task. Some genius on the red team asks Sarah if she would rather canoe or buck hay. In case you forgot, Sarah only has one arm. Unless you want the canoe to go around in circles all afternoon, someone else should be in charge of the canoe. The relay begins and each team takes a turn at the lead. The relay is really boring. Desiree’s goat milking technique consists of molesting the goat. Clearly the goat didn’t appreciate Desiree’s idea of rub and tug, because she kicked over Desiree’s nearly full jug of milk. Desiree then had to go back and re-molest the goat. She filled the jug again and chugged it like a champ, thus securing the win for the Red Team. Expect to see Desiree as next year’s “Got Goat’s Milk” campaign girl.
The Blue Team is sent home and boy are they mad! Lesley hates weak people and is pissed that she lost time with Sean; Catherine thinks this sucks; and AshLee furiously chomps her gum. Just as they are about to go to bed, a card arrives at the lodge and invites the Blue Team to join Sean and the others. It seems that Sean realized that a “lumberjack competition can’t possibly determine who I get to spend time with.” Correct me if I’m wrong, but wasn’t the entire point of the competition to determine who gets to spend time with Sean? Now the girls from the Red Team are mad! Desiree, who still has dried goat’s milk on the corners of her mouth, realizes she gagged on the goat milk for nothing, Selma gets so mad she starts talking in the third person and Robyn looks like she’s about to go all Jeffrey Dahmer on someone.
The ladies from the Red Team aren’t the only ones who are angry. Tierra (who is taking her therapist’s advice and writing her feelings in a journal) is PISSED that she has to go on the two on one and decides she is going to scour Whitefish, Montana until she finds Sean. You see, Tierra feels that she is being misled and she didn’t realize that there would be other girls competing for Sean’s affections. That is how far the depth of her insanity runs. She steals a flannel shirt from one of the girls on the Blue Team and magically finds her way to Sean. While Sean is talking to one of the producers, Tierra sneaks up behind him, puts her hands over his eyes and says “Guess Who?” Guys just love that don’t they? At that moment, Sean is afraid Kacie B. has returned, but to his shock and surprise, it’s just crazy Tierra. Sean takes her aside, reassures her, kisses her and sends her on her way. He doesn’t know what to make of the fact that Tierra is having such a hard time. I will tell you what to make of it- SHE IS A CRAZY STAGE 5 CLINGER!! Didn’t you notice that she was wearing one of the Blue Team’s shirts? She wasn’t even on the group date! She goes home, returns the blue flannel to it’s rightful place and gloats that she pulled off her heist. She is no Courtney though, and didn’t remember that in order to really piss off the girls and secure your place as the winner, the stealth date needs to end with skinny dipping. If she does plan on skinny dipping, Tierra needs to lay off the Doritos.
After sending Glenn Close back to the lodge, Sean returns to spend some time with Des. AshLee interrupts and babbles on about how she adores him, blah blah blah. Catherine and Sean sneak off for some alone time, which involves her sitting on his lap on a bench. Daniella, who has downed one too many cosmos, sees Catherine and Sean and starts to cry. When she finally gets her one on one time, Daniella blubbers to Sean how hard it is to see him with other women. He apparently digs down and out women, so after a sloppy, slurppy kiss, Daniella gets the group date rose.
Two On One Date- Tierra and Jackie
Although we know that the two on one goes to Tierra and Jackie, a date card arrives and promises “love is a wild ride.” The card also includes a heartfelt poem from Chris- “two girls, one rose, one stays, one goes.” I hope Chris didn’t hurt himself thinking that one up.
The girls arrive at their horseback riding date and find Sean waiting for them wearing Mr. Rogers’ sweater. Sean is excited about going horseback riding on this date, because nothing breaks the tension of a two on one like a good gallop. Tierra is delusional and keeps babbling on about Sean being her husband. Jackie’s horse knows crazy when he smells it, and stays away from Tierra. Maybe the goat warned the horse that these girls are nuts.
Jackie and Sean finally get some alone time, and even though she knows better, Jackie breaks RULE NO. 1 and trashes Tierra. It was nice knowing you Jackie.
Things don’t get better for Jackie. At dinner later that night, Sean leaves Jackie alone at the table and takes crazy Tierra aside. Tierra tells Sean that she wants to love and be loved, but is afraid because her last boyfriend was in and out of rehab and died of an overdose in 2009. It’s amazing the things some guys will do to get away from a bunny boiler. When they get back to the table, Sean asks Jackie if she ate all her fish, then gives Tierra the rose. Jackie gets dessert in a doggy bag and a limo ride home. As the night winds down, Sean and Tierra snuggle under the Montana sky and watch fireworks. Tierra laughs her evil laugh. Mwah hah hah!
The girls are not pleased to find out that Jackie has been sent home and spend most of the cocktail party talking about their hatred of Tierra. They send Robyn over to talk to her and to go all Bad Girls’ Club on her. When Robyn confronts Tierra about her behavior, Tierra babbles on and on about how she won’t be threatened and calls the other girls insecure. Instead of opening a can of whoop ass on Tierra, Robyn stands there and bites her nails. Robyn clearly hasn’t seen Bad Girls’ Club.
You can’t get crazy past Sean for too long though, and Sean happens to walk by just as Tierra threatens to bite the girls. He brings Tierra outside to find out what’s going on. Tierra says all the girls are attacking her and “I’m not a drama person at all.” You can hear the whisper in the background “The category is ‘Things a drama person says for $100’.” Clearly a flare gun isn’t enough of a warning for Sean to steer clear of Tierra, and Sean hopes that if someone knows something that he should know, that they will tell him. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME SEAN! Let’s review the fate of the women who have warned you so far: Kacie– called crazy and sent home; Jackie- sent home after Tilapia dinner; and Des who now has one foot in the limo and the other on a banana peel because of her warning. All the flags flying over Montana are now red, and it’s time to start thinking with your big head fella!
Sean realizes he is out of his element, and decides that the best way to play this is to put on his vagina and ask Lesley what she thinks of Tierra. Lesley gives him a simple truthful answer, which Sean choses to ignore for the moment.
Sean looks like he has been through the ringer. He sits down in a candle lit room for some manly advice from Chris Harrison. Seriously Chris, can’t you at least give him some kind of warning about Tierra? What happened to bros before hoes?
Chris comes out and tells the ladies that they have broken Sean. They hang their heads in shame. Except Tierra. She is a nice, innocent girl.
Tierra, Daniella and Lindsay already have roses, and the remaining roses go to Selma, Catherine, Lesley, AshLee, Sarah and Des. Robyn is sent home and Sean manages to wish her “best of luck” as he slams the limo door. To be continued Tuesday night- Mwah hah hah!