By Denise Weiss
The final night of our two-night Bachelor marathon takes us to beautiful Lake Louise, Canada. Mr. Outdoors a/k/a Sean has doubts about meeting his wife and is still very upset about all the drama in Montana. What Sean fails to recognize is that he caused the drama by 1. inviting the Blue Team back after they lost the relay; and 2. giving a rose to Tierra, the house nut job. Grow up Sean- that’s what you get when you put a group of women together, dangle roses in their faces and offer yourself up as the coveted prize.
The girls arrive and Chris welcomes them to one of the most beautiful and romantic places in the Canadian Rockies. Chris shamelessly pitches the hotel and tells the girls that this week there will be 2 one-on-one dates and one group date. There are 3 women who have not yet had one-on-one dates with Sean- Daniella, Catherine and Tierra. The first one-on-one date card arrives and everyone holds their breath, praying that Tierra doesn’t get the date. The lucky lady who gets to freeze her ass off in the name of love is … Catherine.
The date card reads “let’s find our fairy tale ending.” Their fairy tale dates starts with Catherine standing in the middle of a frozen tundra, with no coat, scarf, hat or gloves, but wearing huge hoop earrings, waiting for her Prince Charming to arrive. Sean comes rumbling up in a giant snow bus, opens the door, hands Catherine a snowsuit and tells her that they are going to play on a glacier. Despite freezing temperatures and blizzard conditions, Sean and Catherine have a good old time sledding and making snow angels. After proving to Sean that she can do gymnastics while being pelted in the face by ice, Catherine has passed the test and is now wife material! Nothing about that date screamed “fairy tale” to me.
The date progresses into the evening portion and the fairy tale finally begins. Sean arrives at the hotel and picks up Catherine in a horse and carriage. Despite the fact that her toes haven’t thawed since the glacier playdate, Catherine is excited as they pull up to an ice castle. I don’t know why they couldn’t just stay at the hotel where it was warm. Sean chips some dirty ice into her champagne and they snuggle on the couch in front of a crackling fire. It seems that everyone this season has a sob story, and Catherine is no exception. She tells Sean about a tragic summer camp experience when she was 12 years old and witnessed her friend get killed by a falling tree. This experience made 12 year old Catherine decide “Hey- life is short! I want to grow up, live life to the fullest and go on a reality TV show to find my husband.” Although it’s a tragic story, I don’t really see the connection between her friend dying and her going on The Bachelor 13 years later. It must have been enough for Sean though, because Catherine gets the rose. In the process of being a good sport, she may lose her extremities.
The group date card arrives and Daniella is praying to the Ice G-ds that she does not hear her name. The names are read and the following girls are chosen for the group date: Tierra, Sarah, AshLee, Lindsay, Selma, Lesleyand last, but not least, Daniella. Daniella is a little confused about why she didn’t get the one-on-one. Let me enlighten you Daniella- you are a hot mess. You have spent most of the season drunk and sloppy. Your hair is a mess. Sean just isn’t really that into you. How was that? Still confused Daniella?
The card reads “let’s bare our souls.” It’s too bad it doesn’t say “let’s bear our souls” then maybe the date would consist of feeding Tierra to a bear. The girls arrive for the group date and- oh look, canoes. We haven’t seen a canoe since UMMM, when? Oh that’s right- the last group date. Lesley quickly sizes up the situation and volunteers to ride with Sean. This does not sit well with Selma who wants to overturn their canoe or in the alternative, hopes a shark comes out of the lake and eats them. Then she cracked herself up by making strange noises that were supposed to be a laugh, I think.
When all 3 canoes are safely on the other side, Sean announces that the fun is about to begin. In an effort to cleanse away the sins of Montana, they will be taking the Lake Louise Polar Bear Plunge. Instead of yelling “THIS SUCKS” or “NO F-ING WAY, ” the girls strip down to their bikinis and prove that they are willing to die to win Sean’s affections. Lesley is actually hoping to get hypothermia so Sean can save her with CPR and they can make out. Selma is the only one who isn’t willing to die to impress Sean, and bails on taking the plunge. Selma tells Sean that she can’t do it because she is a warm weather girl. Correct me if I’m wrong, but wasn’t it Selma who was moaning and groaning a few weeks ago about how much she hated the heat? Now she hates the cold too? Even though Sean tells the girls that they don’t have to participate, he really doesn’t mean it. Selma reapplies lipgloss to her “do not kiss on TV” lips, and makes herself comfy on the bench.
Sean takes off his shirt (ah, welcome back shirtless Sean- we have missed you) and the bikini clad girls walk over to the edge of the lake, dip their toes in the freezing cold water and start screeching at the top of their lungs. The noise was so bad that it made my ears bleed. Please, someone make it stop! By the way ladies- HDTV is not flattering to some of you in your bathing suits, and you should lay off the wine and Doritos. You know who you are. Sean and the six “willing to die for love” women finally take the plunge and wouldn’t you know, Tierra gets hypothermia. Yes, the water was cold. Yes, all the girls were shivering. Yes, Sean had major shrinkage. But once again, it’s Tierra who requires emergency care. Everyone gathers around to take care of Tierra, and she gives an award winning hypothermia performance, complete with uncontrollable shaking and mascara running down her face. Call me skeptical, but I’m not buying it. The emergency workers aren’t buying it either, because instead of taking her to an emergency room they return her to the hotel, plop her in a wheel chair and give her a cup of coffee. She eventually returns to her room where she eats a hoagie and gets a pedicure while wearing an oxygen tube. Sean pays her a visit, crawls in bed with her, blesses her heart and tells her she still looks cute. The frigid water must have erased Sean’s short term memory because he seems to have forgotten that Tierra is a first class bitch.
Night time has arrived and the “suicidal six” gather for drinks and alone time with Sean. Lesley decides its time to let her guard down and tell him how she feels about him. He responds by telling her that he appreciates her. OUCH!
Sarah surprises Sean by showing him pictures of her family, including ones of her as a fat young girl wearing a prosthetic arm. I never understood why Sarah doesn’t wear a prosthetic arm. Doesn’t she realize that her evening wear would look so much better with a prosthetic as opposed to lack of lower arm? . Anyway, she really wants Sean to meet her family, but her little trip down memory lane reminds Sean that hometown dates are around the corner, and its time to get rid of Sarah, lovely family photos notwithstanding.
Back at the hotel, Tierra de Ville has made a miraculous recovery and gets dressed to meet up with Sean. Despite the fact that she is in danger of losing her toes, she crams her feet into high heel boots and walks to the party. Of course the other ladies are talking about her as she walks in, and the room goes dead silent upon her arrival. Sean is happy to see thawed Tierra, who suddenly needs help walking because she can’t feel her legs. Tierra must have the kind of hypothermia that comes and goes. Lesley uses the phrase I coined a few weeks ago (it was a Denise original) and says to watch out because they have a Tierra-ist on their hands.
Lindsay interrupts Tierra and Sean’s alone time and takes him outside for a quick yet passionate make-out session. The night is over and for reasons I don’t understand, Lesley gets the rose.
Before Sean can turn in for the night, there is one last piece of business to which he must attend- getting rid of Sarah. Sean doesn’t think its fair to Sarah to make her wait 2 days until the rose ceremony to let her go. He thinks it is better to pull her aside in front of all the other girls, dump her, then send her back to tell everyone that he doesn’t want her around anymore. Poor Sarah is completely blindsided by Sean’s admission that he isn’t feeling it and that he is “reaching” (ironic choice of words to use with a girl with one arm). She tries to leave with dignity and grace, which is hard to do when you cry and wipe your nose on your sleeve.
One on One with Desiree
While Sean is dumping Sarah in another part of the hotel, Des’s date card arrives touting “Don’t be scared…to fall in love.” Sean arrives to pick up Des, and Daniella again questions why she wasn’t chosen for a one-on-one. Daniella- see paragraph 5 above. Sean and Des arrive at a national park for some rappelling and a picnic lunch. Des, who looks like she would benefit from skipping a few meals, is scared. Given the track record of this show the past few weeks, I wouldn’t be surprised if the rope snapped and she fell to her death.
Rappelling down a mountain is a Bachelor favorite for one reason- it lends itself to cheesy relationship metaphors such as “take a chance”, “step outside your comfort zone,” “we can do it together” and my personal favorite “if you commit, you can make it work.” It looks more like Des is lowered down the side of the mountain than actually rappelling down, and after pausing to make-out twice, they finally make it to the bottom. They sit down to the same lousy picnic that Lindsay was treated to a few dates earlier and Des challenges Sean to a tree climbing competition. They stand at the top of the tree, looking out over Canada and kiss. It was very reminiscent of Twilight, and warmed my heart.
The evening portion of their date is spent in a teepee, where it is so cold that you can see their breath. I guess ABC used up their budget on Tierra’s emergency care and couldn’t spring for a space heater. Sean looks like he just won an ugly sweater contest and asks Des why she is so humble. She answers that she grew up poor, and lived in trailers and tents. Even though she was the kid who got off the bus at the trailer park while the other kids lived in McMansions, she was never resentful towards her parents. They showed her love, and that was enough for her. Sean appears smitten, but I don’t believe he is going to marry a girl who lived in a house smaller than his niece’s playhouse. She gets the rose.
This week’s cocktail party is full of firsts. Selma is fairly confident that her decision to bail on the plunge won’t adversely affect Sean’s feeling for her. As a little added insurance, however, Selma decides tonight is the night to bring shame upon her family, and she is going to kiss Sean. On national television. Even though it might kill her mother. Selma knows the other girls put themselves out for Sean, and Selma puts her girls out there for the world. She leans in and gives Sean a “grandma worthy peck” on the lips. She asks her mom to forgive her, but tells her that it was necessary to bring out the big guns. Which she did. In a Victoria Secret Bombshell. Her big guns were up to her chin.
Lindsay decides tonight is a good night to keep her tongue out of Sean’s mouth and just have some nice conversation instead. It takes a Herculean effort, but they manage to talk for 30 seconds before Lindsay gives up and basically eats Sean’s face.
AshLee decides tonight is a good night to give up control and she allows Sean to blindfold her and carry her around. The 50 Shades of Drunk girl who was sent home the first night is watching and saying “oh so now you wanna play?” AshLee’s “my parents didn’t want me” baggage is becoming heavy, and I think it’s almost time for her to go home and organize something. Plus her eyes are starting to migrate to the sides of her head.
Desiree, Catherine and Lesley all have roses. The next two roses go to Lindsay “the make-out queen,” and AshLee “help me I have control issues.” This leaves Selma, Daniella and Tierra up for the last rose. And the final rose goes to…Tierra. Poor Selma is going to have to go home and listen to her mother rant about how she brought shame upon her family for nothing. Daniella is headed straight for Bachelor Pad 4. She should go home, lose 10 pounds and do something about her hair. Sarah’s hair always looked good- maybe she can give her a hand.
Next week- St. Croix and sun, sand and shirtless Sean!