It’s the week before hometown dates and the stakes are high as Sean and our six remaining “I wanna-be-Mrs. Lowes” fly to the beautiful and WARM island of St. Croix. Although he feels more confident this week, Sean is still complaining about the drama in Montana. Get over it already. Chris Harrison had better things to do and isn’t around to explain that there will be two one-on-one dates and one group date, with a rose up for grabs on the group date only. The four who remain will get the honor of bringing Sean home to meet their families.
The “happy to be out of the snow” six arrive at the Buccaneer Hotel, explore their luxurious suite and choose roomies. Except, of course, for Tierra. You see, Tierra is in full blown psychosis at this point, and instead of making herself cozy in a 4 poster bed with views of the beach, Tierra pulls out a cot from the closet and sets herself up in a corner of the living room. She shows her total break from reality when she explains that she will not sleep in a room with those girls because “I’m not friends with girls who like my boyfriend… I’m not.” Oh, so now Sean is your boyfriend. Someone please pass the Thorazine. You go sleep on a cot Tierra- that will show those bitches who’s boss!
The most telling sign that Tierra is pure evil is shown by Tierra’s own Cross necklace. In every shot of Tierra this episode, the Cross is either sideways or upside down, and looks like it is trying to get away from her. At one point it looks like it is going to creep up her neck and stab her in the eye in an attempt to perform an exorcism.
One on One – AshLee
The first date card arrives and it’s for AshLee and reads “let’s get carried away.” Tierra shoots daggers at AshLee and sings “the cougar’s back in town.” You see, AshLee is 32 years old and as we all know, that is way old. It’s like dinosaur old. Tierra smugly says she hopes that when she is 32 she will be married with children. Tierra questions why AshLee hasn’t found someone to settle down with at 32. I guess AshLee didn’t have an opportunity to find “Mr. Right” on a reality show when she was 24.
Sean picks up AshLee for their date and tells her that they are going to spend the day on a private island. They swim out to a catamaran (well Sean swims, AshLee sort of rides on his back, which is a pretty good metaphor for their relationship if you ask me), and AshLee bares her soul, along with everything else. Those are not real, BTW. After all, she is the ripe old age of 32 and those girls are still looking really good and perky. I know she doesn’t have 3 kids or anything, but still, gravity and old age are a bitch. AshLee’s abandonment/trust issues are getting as old as she is, and I am starting to miss Sarah reminding us that she only has one arm.
Back at the resort, the girls trash talk Tierra for a change, and hope that AshLee is spending her precious alone time with Sean warning him about Tierra’s evil ways. Does AshLee really spend her one-on-one beach time talking about Tierra? Of course she does! AshLee apparently doesn’t read my recaps or she would know what happens to women who break RULE NO. 1. Sean quickly becomes bored with the Tierra bashing conversation and suggests they go for a swim, which is man code for let’s make out in the water. They take turns being on top while re-enacting the “From Here to Eternity” kiss. AshLee is convinced that Sean is her future husband, and Sean seems quite taken with AshLee, despite the fact that she broke RULE NO. 1.
The evening portion of their date is a romantic oceanside dinner. As they sit down to dinner, Sean says his date with AshLee was incredible and he can’t imagine anything going wrong at this point. That my friends, is the date kiss of death. After a few glasses of champagne, Sean asks AshLee if there is anything he needs to know before he meets her family. AshLee turns AshEn, and tells Sean there may be one teeny tiny thing that she hasn’t told him. She is so nervous to tell him her secret, that I start thinking it must be really big, like maybe she has been hiding her true gender, and is really a man named AshTon. After hemming and hawing for about 38 minutes, she finally blurts out that she was married at 17 and divorced at 18. Ha ha, the joke is on you Tierra- AshLee could land a man after all! Sean can barely hide his condescending tone when he responds with “so you were a married high school junior- that’s…young.” He tries to keep the judgmental look off his face too, but it is clear that he does not want to be Mr. AshLee #2. AshLee doesn’t want Sean to see her as broken. It’s too late for that Ash. Sean tells her he doesn’t see her as broken and gives her a few quick reassuring pecks. Not noticing that Sean is looking for an escape dingy in the ocean, AshLee decides now is a good time to stand on a chair and yell “Hello St. Croix.” If that weren’t embarrassing enough, she then yells “I love Sean.” Oh no, AshLee stop! Please don’t say it again. No luck- she keeps telling him she loves him. Sean says she is special. Good way to salvage the night Sean, but it is clear that you are done with AshLee. Someone please pass the hammer- it’s time to put those nails in the AshLee coffin.
One on One- Tierra
The next date card arrives and Tierra finally gets the one-on-one date she has been waiting for! The card reads “Let’s explore our love on the streets of St. Croix.” The other girls go crazy with jealousy over Tierra’s “Sean Guided” tour of St. Croix. Tierra just goes crazy and complains that she is not looking forward to being in the heat, attacked by bugs and sweaty with her make-up dripping off. Perhaps Tierra has not seen the footage of her “near death hypothermia” experience, or she would realize that no caribbean heat is going to make her mascara run as badly as it did in Canada.
Sean is going to use this time with Tierra to figure out if she is sweet like he thinks, or evil like everyone else says. Minutes into the date, Tierra is complaining that she’s hot, gross and thirsty. She feels much better after Sean buys her “the most incredible thing any guy could buy me on a first date- a $3.00 shell necklace and a fake bracelet. After dancing in a local parade that miraculously appears in the street, Sean decides he loves her energy and she is a blast to be with.
Back at the resort AshLee fesses up that she ratted out Tierra to Sean. The girls are mistakenly convinced that Sean will have no choice but to send Tierra home. But back in town, Tierra and Sean are giggling over snow cones. Sean sees a girl who is fun, outgoing and sweet. When Sean asks if the drama with the girls is getting better, Tierra flashes her phony smile and says she tries to interact with the other girls, but they just don’t like her because she got the rose the first night out of the limo. OK Tierra, that was weeks ago and no one even remembers it except for you, and I don’t think sleeping on a cot in the living room is anyone’s idea of trying to interact with the other girls.
Sean’s sunburn must be affecting his ability to think rationally, because he tries to save Tierra from herself by asking “Would you act differently in front of the other girls if you could after everything that’s happened.” Forever a victim, Tierra answers “No,” and further buries herself by adding “because these girls won’t be around much longer.” Come on Sean, at that point you should have dropped your snow cone, donned some feathers and hidden out in the street parade- anything to get far, far away from her. But not our Sean – he concludes that although Tierra probably isn’t nice to the other women, it doesn’t really matter because she is right and doesn’t have to live with them after tonight anyway. What kind of stupid thing is that to say?? I guess Sean plans on living with Tierra in a female free society for the rest of his life.
Tierra realizes that Sean is distant and figures that old fart AshLee must have thrown her under the bus. In order to get back in his good graces, she puts him in a head lock, whispers that she’s falling in love with him and jams her tongue down his throat. That’s how we do it in downtown St. Croix bitches!
Catherine, Desiree and Lindsay will be going on the “Love is on the horizon” group date, which means that Lesley will get the last one-on-one. Sean is always a prankster and arrives at the hotel at 4:42 am so he can see his beauties without makeup. No comment from Sean about Tierra sleeping on a cot in the living room. The group heads out and the first leg of the date involves a sunrise and a mimosa. Right up my alley. Then they make their way across the island- they drive to a sugar mill, visit with a random donkey, have lunch at a cafe, then end up in a treehouse in a rainforest. Catherine senses a strong connection between Sean and Des and feels like a third wheel- uh, you just noticed that you weren’t alone? Maybe Catherine should start yelling “Shotgun” before Des does, so she can at least get some front seat time. When the happy foursome arrive at their final destination, they strip down to their bathing suits, frolic in the water, and Catherine proves she is a more suitable wife than Des by carrying Sean on her shoulders. Lindsay and Sean make out for a change. Des cries and tells Sean that her parents are simple and happy and live in a tent. They sound like the Keebler elves.
Just when you thought there weren’t anymore dramatic stories, Catherine tells Sean that he won’t be meeting her father because he is crazy and tried to kill himself in front of her and her sisters when she was 14. Really? First her camp friend is killed by a falling tree, then 2 years later her dad tries to kill himself in front of her? Catherine has a death bullseye on her back, so you better watch out Sean because the third time’s a charm.
I guess Sean isn’t falling for tears or a sob story this week, because Lindsay and her magical tongue get the rose.
Lesley One on One
Lesley’s date card reads “I hope our love stands the test of time.” Let me save us some time by saying that Sean is not into Lesley. This date broke the Guinness World Record for most boring date ever, and there is no chemistry whatsoever between them. The highlight of the date was watching them pick avocados while avoiding eye contact. Her outfit was awful and her eye make up was even worse.
Back at the hotel, Sean’s sister Shay arrives to help him make some decisions. She gives him good advice, the best of which is “don’t end up with the girl that no other likes.” Speaking of that girl, Sean asks Shay to meet Tierra and give her opinion because he doesn’t know a nut when he sees one.
Back in the girls’ room, Tierra is confronting AshLee about throwing her under the bus. AshLee attacks Tierra’s character and tells her she is rude. Tierra retorts by calling AshLee a 32 year old woman. Ouch. This is the official start of Bitchfest 2013 a/k/a “The Great Eyebrow War of St. Croix.” There is yelling, hands flying in the air and Tierra informing us that she cannot control her eyebrow or face.
Tierra goes on with her rant and says that men love her and women are jealous of her. Ashley reminds Tierra that even her own parents know that she doesn’t get along with girls. Tierra says her parents never said that, rather they said “Tierra you have a sparkle, do not let those girls take your sparkle away.” I can see how AshLee would misinterpret that.
Tierra retreats to her lone cot and weeps uncontrollably. At this very moment, Sean walks in to find Tierra an emotional mess for a change. He can barely contain his eye roll and sigh as he asks Tierra “what’s wrong now?” Tierra babbles that she is “just so sensitive and scared of the process.” Sean isn’t buying it this time and finally has had enough of this nightmare. Sean gives her the “because I care about you so much I am going to send you home speech” and sends her packing. Well, not really packing because Tierra is escorted off the property with just the maxi dress on her back. I hope Tierra remembers to duck when she is getting into the minivan so she doesn’t bang her eyebrow on the side of the car. Let’s see how much sparkle Tierra has left when she is 32 years old, married or single. I’m sort of sad to see her go, because I really wanted to meet her family and see what kind of people raised such an emotional wreck.
No need for a cocktail party this week ladies- Sean has all the information he needs to make his decision. Lindsay already has a rose and the three remaining roses (and hometown dates) go to…Des, Catherine and AshLee. Sean says goodbye to Lesley, and she goes home without making eye contact. I still think AshLee is hanging on by a thread and was saved only because Sean couldn’t bear the thought of spending any more time with Lesley. Lesley seems bummed about being sent home, but Catherine is completely distraught over it!! I think Catherine and Lesley spent too much time together in that king size bed.
Next week- Hometown dates and Des’s brother who proves you can take the girl out of the trailer, but you can’t take the trailer out of Des’s brother.