By Denise Weiss
It is week 8 of The Bachelor, which means hometown dates!! This is also the week that the show gets really boring, especially since Sean sent our resident evil girl Tierra back to the depths of the hell from which she came. Our remaining 4 women will take Sean home to meet their families. In case you forgot, the last 4 hopefuls are AshLee “let me remind you that I was abandoned,” Catherine “I’m cute but not sure how I made it this far,” Desiree “my parents live in a tent” and Lindsay “let me jam my tongue down your throat again.”
We begin our hometown journey in the Lonestar State with AshLee’s dog peeing in a field. This is the same abandoned lot that AshLee lays down a sheet in the tall weeds for her romantic picnic date with Sean. AshLee has been dreaming about this for as far back as she can remember. Honestly, what girl doesn’t dream about dating a guy who is also dating 4 other women? AshLee goes on and on about how madly, deeply in love she is with Sean. Sean on the other hand, isn’t even a little bit in love with AshLee. He is crazy about her though. As the date starts, AshLee introduces Sean to the dog, who I was hoping would hump Sean’s leg. No such luck. They share a bottle of wine and discuss how both of their fathers are clergy. AshLee wants to marry a man like her dad and Sean fits the bill. She trusts him and is ready to commit to him, because he is the man to protect her heart. Oh no- not that guard and protect my heart crap again. Please don’t run out and tattoo that on your arm AshLee. While they talk, AshLee rubs Sean’s leg with her stubby, sparkly manicured nails and tells him about how she was abandoned when she was younger. For some reason, AshLee loves to throw her hands in the air and yell “hooray,” and today is no different. So with a big whoop and cheer AshLee says ”let’s go meet my family.”
AshLee introduces Sean to Deborah and Bruce and they sit down in the backyard for lunch. AshLee tells her parents about her dip in the frigid waters of Lake Louise and starts to cry. Then she tells her preacher father and conservative mother (who she hated so much that she married a loser at 17 to get away from her) that she did some dry humping on the beach in St. Croix. Dad did not look happy and is formulating a sermon in his head that involves fire, brimstone and Sean. Mom pulls Sean aside and asks if he is going to break AshLee’s heart. Sean tells mom he is crazy about her. In the course of a 3 minute conversation we hear the word “abandon” no less that 39 times. Dad tells the story about adopting 4 year old AshLee and he starts to cry. At that point I started to cry out of boredom. When the date was over 10 minutes later, Sean walked away with AshLee’s parents’ approval and a complete list of her meds.
As the date ends, AshLee proclaims her love for Sean again, but this time says “WE are in love.” Check again Ash- from the cheap seats it looks like only one of you is actually in love. I hope Deb and Bruce know the number of a good therapist because she is going to need it when Sean is the next in line to abandon AshLee.
Sean next travels to Seattle to meet Catherine, a woman who he could see as his future wife. Their first stop through the Pike Place Market is a ride on a mechanical pig. I don’t get it. Then they engage in some strange fish catching game. I don’t get that either. As they walk down the street Catherine says she loves the way Sean smells, and his big beefy arms. I believe the smell you are referring to is raw fish. As if playing football with dead fish wasn’t gross enough, Sean and Catherine’s next stop in Seattle involves a wall full of chewed gum. Good times.
It’s finally time to meet Catherine’s family, which consists of Grandma “graham cracker” Lola, Big Mama, and Catherine’s two sisters Drizella and Anastasia. Just kidding. I don’t remember their names, but it doesn’t really matter anyway. Dad won’t be there because he is locked up in a loony bin in China. Sean sticks out like a blonde sore thumb as he walks from room to room in Catherine’s house. Grandma Lola is very taken with Sean and watches as he does pushups with Catherine on his back. This must be one of Sean and Catherine’s favorite activities after gum wall sticking, because it isn’t the first time that they have done the push up on the back trick. Catherine’s sisters take her aside for a heart to heart and tell her that although this might have been fun in the beginning, she can’t seriously be considering getting engaged to this guy. The sisters then throw Catherine further under the bus when they tell Sean that she is messy and extremely moody. It would have been easier for the sisters to scream “Run Sean, Run” than to try to convince Sean that Catherine is not wife material. Even Catherine’s mom isn’t willing to give her approval and wants to take a “let’s wait and see” approach to this engagement. Hopefully Sean is taking in all this information (along with the eggrolls) before he finds himself engaged to a slob with mood swings. I thought I heard Sean mutter “cockblockers” under his breath as he left the house.
Sean meets up with Lindsay in her military hometown of Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri, where her Dad is a 2 star general. Sean’s biggest worry seems to be whether he should call Lindsay’s dad “Sir” or “General.” Maybe for shits and giggles Sean can just yell “Hey you- yeah, you. Big guy with the gun rack on the wall- I have been shoving my tongue down your daughter’s throat for the past few weeks and I have enjoyed EVERY minute of it.” That might be fun!! When Sean and Lindsay finally arrive at her house, Lindsay’s mom sprints across the room to meet Sean, knocking over her son and the kitchen table in the process. The family settles in the living room to talk, and Sean wants Lindsay’s dad to see that he is a man. Just how is Sean going to prove he is a man? Maybe he can play Russian roulette with the rifles on the wall. Although that would make for great TV, it might be detrimental to Sean and Lindsay’s future.
In an effort to win them over, Sean tells Lindsay’s parents about her wedding dress stunt on the first night. He is smart enough to leave out the fact that he almost sent the drunk Bride of Frankenwhore home. Mom asks Sean if he’s falling in love with Lindsay. He diplomatically responds that he’s not ready to say that yet, but he is crazy about her. Where have I heard that before?
General Dad does not look happy at all about this situation, but over a few beers and a convoluted answer he ultimately gives Sean permission to marry his daughter. At least I think he gave permission. He talked about being a paratrooper and I’m not exactly sure how that related to approving the union of your daughter to a man you have known for a few hours. Of course it was the best day of Lindsay’s life, and she drops the “L” word.
Finally, the moment we have all been waiting for. Ever since Tierra was sent home, we have been hearing crickets. Until now that is, because now we are introduced to Brother Nate.
Des’s hometown date starts off weird and goes downhill from there. As we know, Des’ parents live in some kind of tent or treehouse or something, and since the camera crew, Des and Sean and her family wouldn’t all fit, the date takes place at Des’ place in Los Angeles. The date begins when Sean and Des meet on a hiking trail and go hiking I guess. They then head back to Des’s place, but before the night gets started there is a knock at the door. I was hoping it was Tierra looking to borrow Des’s make-up remover, but no such luck- it was only an ex-boyfriend who has come to reclaim Des. The ex-boyfriend named Nick professes his love for Des, and Sean gets mad. With fist clenched and an aggressive tone, he calls the guy out, only for Des to yell GOTCHA and save Nick the bad actor from getting pummeled. Sean says “good one” but you can tell he was not happy about being Punked! This prank wasn’t as funny as lets say someone pretending to be a slob and live at home with his parents. Sean can dish it but he can’t take it.
Now that the pranks are out of the way, Des’s real family shows up. It quickly becomes clear that Sean was better off with the bad actor ex-boyfriend. Mom Roxanne and Dad Tony seem like nice carny trailer folk, but there is something way off about them. They are quick to say that they would be thrilled to have Sean as a son in law. Ya think? They are probably hoping his family has a big lot of land so they can pitch a tent in the backyard and not have to worry about pulling the tent stakes and moving so often. Just when Roxanne and Tony were dreaming of running water and electricity, ex-felon tattoo covered Brother Nathan rears his ugly head and decides this whole thing just ain’t right. As the happy “family” sits down for dinner, Nate asks Sean ,”Yo buddy, can I holla at you real fast.” Fortunately Sean speaks gang yard prison and realizes this means “can I have a minute outside with you so we can talk in private.” Nate starts the “hollaing” by telling Sean that it is clear to him that Des is really into him, and that Sean is not “reciprocating.” He uses the word reciprocate 3 times to show Sean he is no dummy. I think he gave himself an aneurysm on the last one. Sean promises Nate that he is crazy about Des. There’s that word again. Nate isn’t buying it, and neither am I because at my count, Sean is crazy about 4 girls in 4 states. Brother Nate calls Sean a playboy and Sean is offended! Man whore probably would have been more accurate and less offensive to Sean’s character and integrity. When Sean and Nate return to the table, everyone is scared of what Nate might have said to Sean. They all had the look of “what have you done this time” on their faces. I’m sure that Nate’s parents got lots of phone calls from principals and police officers through the years. Or at least they would have, if they had a phone in their tent. Des can blame Brother Nate all she wants, but she was doomed the minute she told Sean that she had lived in a tent for months. I bet once dinner was over, Brother Nate grabbed his steak knife, put it in the front of his pants and was happily on his way back to Compton to meet with his parole officer.
How great would it have been if during the dinner Chris Harrison had walked in and said “Ladies and Gentleman, may I introduce you to our next Bachelor, Brother Nate”! Can you imagine the caliber of women that ABC could parade in front of us if Nate were the next bachelor? There would be tattoos and tequila everywhere!!
Shirtless Sean finally makes an appearance this week, and we watch Sean pick out a tie and contemplate whether he should send Des or Catherine home. He meets with Chris and explains that Des is on the chopping block because of her brother, and Catherine is in question because she is a strong, independent career minded woman. Oh, and her family sucks.
Sean thanks the ladies for introducing him to their warm and welcoming families (what else was he supposed to say) and gets ready to hand out the roses. You would think that this would be a short, simple rose ceremony, but before the A or L could come out of his mouth, Des stops the rose ceremony and asks for alone time with Sean. Des thinks that she needs to plead her case and do Brother Nate damage control. There is nothing Des can say that will make Sean want to marry her and take his kids once a month to the state penitentiary to visit “Uncle Nate.”
Sean finally returns and resumes the rose ceremony. The first two roses go to AshLee and Lindsay, and as he’s about to hand out the third and final rose, Sean excuses himself to check on the status of the restraining order he filed against Brother Nate. After staring at Des and Catherine’s pictures, Catherine gets the final rose.
At this point, all we can hope for Des is that she leaves with her head held high and some dignity. Does that happen? Of course not. What does Des do instead? She begs. And holds on to him in a death grip. And cries on his shoulder. And tells him she is 100% sure that he is making a mistake. Not 99.9% mind you, but 100% sure. Sean has prayed for clarity, and his prayers were answered with a vision of him walking her to the limo. He tells her he is going to miss her, which only makes her cling even more. Finally Des is alone in the car and says “I don’t know what I’m going to do about my life.” This statement basically sums Des up, because Des clearly was delusional enough to think that The Bachelor was going to fulfill her life’s dreams.
Tonight the 3 remaining ladies will be going to Thailand, which means lots of shirtless Sean and fantasy suite dilemmas.