The Bachelor Season 17 Episode 9

AshLee goes home. Photo:ABC.com

AshLee goes home. Photo:ABC.com

By Denise Weiss

Overnight dates in Thailand

Welcome back rose lovers.  It is week 9 and that means no more judgmental sisters and crazy brothers, but rather overnight dates and fantasy suites!  Sean is in Thailand, where he will have the opportunity to spend the night in the fantasy suite with Catherine, AshLee and Lindsay.  The question is will those fantasy suites go to waste, because Sean is a born-again virgin.  At least according to the supermarket tabloids he is.  Although Sean got laid regularly during his college days, he no longer believes in pre-marital sex and is waiting until his wedding night to be intimate again.  Technically Sean, that doesn’t make you a virgin.  Sorry to tell you this, but virginity is one of those things that once you lose, you can’t get it back.  It’s not like when you lose your glasses and later find them on the top of your head and say “Oh look, I found my glasses.”   I know your preacher would be proud of your decision to find religion, but come on Sean.  Confession may be good for the soul, but it does nothing to restore the virginity.

Sean walks along the beach, struts across the lobby, swings in a hammock, sits in front of a fountain, and sadly realizes that he is down to his last three girls.  The remaining three are so unique, yet so different, and he is freaking CRAZY about all of them.  He is glad to be in Thailand so he can focus on his three lady loves.  Being far away from Brother Nate ain’t such a bad thing either.

As a quick recap, Sean reminds us how he feels about each of the women.  He loves Catherine because she is sweet, intelligent, weird, nerdy and goofy.   AshLee has amazing qualities that make their relationship the strongest out of the three girls- she has a big heart, is giving and caring, and open and honest.  And she likes to yell random things at the top of her lungs.  He is humbled by how much she loves him.  The rest of us are just creeped out by it.  When it comes to Lindsay, he describes their relationship as “the spark that grew into a flame.”  That’s probably because she is a little ball of sex who loves to kiss Sean every chance she gets.  He describes her as “so much more than the crazy girl in the wedding dress.”   Maybe Lindsay can use that line on her Match.com profile.

He can’t believe his heart is torn in so many directions blah blah blah. Stop talking already and just lean on the edge of the pool looking shirtless and pretty.

Lindsay

Sean’s first date in Thailand is with Lindsay.   Lindsay greets him in a lime green skirt and tight white tank and after way too many kisses they are off on their adventure.  They arrive at the Si Kao market and Lindsay is psyched!!   Apparently all Lindsay wants to do is go back to Dallas with Sean and go to the grocery store.  If that’s the case, then she would be really envious of my life- I was at the supermarket three times yesterday.   As they stroll through the market, they ooh and ahh over neon painted chicks, share an apple and walk around sampling the local cuisine.  Lindsay does a great job pretending to be blown away by Sean’s pathetically dragging her around a market in Thailand, but her enthusiasm is not enough for Sean.  Sean decides he needs to make sure she is really wife material by making her eat fried bugs and grasshoppers, even though she specifically said “I will try anything but I won’t eat bugs.”  His theory goes something like this- Sean wants an adventurous wife, and he thinks that eating fried grasshoppers is adventurous, therefore Lindsay must eat the grasshopper if she wants to be Mrs. Sean Lowe.  It doesn’t seem to matter to Sean that Lindsay is near tears from the thought of eating the bugs.  No, apparently he wants to be the kind of husband who makes his wife eat bugs.  That doesn’t make you a good husband Sean, it makes you an asshole.  And seriously Lindsay, the next time some guy tells you to eat a bug, tell him to go f*@k himself.

It starts to rain so they decide to leave the market and head to the beach.  Good plan. They sit on the beach in the rain and Lindsay realizes that it is time for her to tell him she loves him.  Despite the fact that she looks like a drowned rat, Sean tells her she is the best friend he has been looking for.  Even with bug carcass on her breath, it is clear that Sean is really into her and they share a passionate kiss.  The next thing we see is Sean and Lindsay on the beach feeding monkeys at sunset.  They walk into the water, kiss in front of the monkeys, and Sean confirms that Lindsay could be his wife.

Later that night, Sean and Lindsay meet up for dinner in front of what looks like a carnival in a mall parking lot.  Sean thinks that Lindsay will love having dinner in front of these floats because she has loved the culture so far today.  Oh yeah, the market, fried bugs and monkey feeding are exactly the kind of culture every girl dreams of.

While Lindsay picks bug guts from her teeth, Sean falls deeper in love and further cements his belief that he could marry her.  They sit down to dinner and Lindsay says “I am so crazy in love with this man.”  I hate when they call him “this man.”  I know you may have forgotten his name since you really haven’t known him for very long, but just to remind you, his name is Sean.  Anyway, she wants to tell what’s his name that she loves him, but clearly the bug’s got her tongue because she can’t get the words out.  As Sean talks about being engaged and picking out a house, you can tell he is smitten with Lindsay.   Lindsay gets tongue tied by Sean’s tongue in her mouth and agains stumbles around saying the “L” word.  Just as she is about to spill the love beans, music blasts from behind them and a troupe of Thai dancers parade around and spoil the moment.  I hate when that happens.  As they watch the traditional dance in front of them, Sean asks Lindsay if she will dance for him later.  Of course she will- you got her to eat bugs for G-d’s sake- can you imagine what you are going to be able to get her to do in the fantasy suite?  When the dancers finally leave, surprise! Sean pulls out an invitation from Chris Harrison that should they chose to forgo their individual rooms, they can spend the night as a couple in the fantasy suite.  “No distractions, no disruptions, just you and me.”  Without missing a beat, Lindsay says “Yes” jumps up and  literally runs to the fantasy suite.  Don’t get too excited Lindsay- virgin Sean’s preacher is watching.

OK Lindsay, it’s time to shit or get off the pot.  Sean gives her ample opportunity to say the magic words, but Lindsay just can’t get herself to say how she feels.  Probably because she is only 24 years old.  My husband has T-shirts that are older than Lindsay (he really does and I better not dare throw them out).  The difference is my husband loves his T-shirts and tells them so on a regular basis.  After giggles and long hhhmmmms, Lindsay finally blurts out the quickest, most pathetic “I love you” in the history of dating.  At least I think that’s what she said because it was one big garbled mess.  It was like listening to Charlie Brown’s teacher say “Iwovyou.”  Sean feels inspired.  I still feel nauseous from watching Lindsay eat the bugs.

AshLee

Enough of that love and best friend stuff with Lindsay- it’s time to move on to his date with AshLee.  AshLee has absolutely no problem telling Sean that she loves him, but Sean seems embarrassed by her numerous declarations of love.

In the words of Shakespeare, how do you love thee Sean- let us count the ways- “I am here with the love of my life,” “I love being here with you,” “I’m just this school girl who is in love,” “Sean probably is my true love,” “I love Sean more than words can express.”  All that in 17 seconds.  Pathetic.

Sean thinks it might be fun to screw with the girl with trust issues, and he tells AshLee that in order to get to their destination, she has to swim in a dark tunnel.  AshLee says “I don’t do caves.”  Sorry to tell you Ash, but you won’t do Sean either, because he is a faux virgin.

In case you forgot, AshLee was abandoned, she has fears of being abandoned and her abandonment fears stem from when she was young and was abandoned.  Does she never tire of this?  This little journey in the dark is the perfect time for metaphors about love and tunnels, and AshLee does not let us down!  When they see the light at the end of the tunnel, AshLee declares that  this has been life changing for her, and she is now able to let go of her fears.  I seriously doubt that Sean, and just be warned that if you marry AshLee, the first time you are late coming home and you don’t answer your phone, you will come home to find AshLee running around the front yard with her arms up in the air yelling “abandoned!”

If Sean asked her to marry him, she would say YES.  This surprises no one.

Nightfall arrives and Sean and AshLee sit down for dinner.  Surprisingly, AshLee admits that she is head over heels in love with Sean, and every part of her being wants to be engaged to him next week.  I just threw up in my mouth.  They discuss why neither of them is already married, and Sean says it’s because in his early 20s he was chasing other things.  I bet they were all blonde and wearing short skirts.

AshLee is really stressed out about the fantasy suite because she is a very moral girl.  Boy scout virgin Sean pulls out the invitation to the fantasy suite and explains that his intention for their time in the suite is for them to stay up and talk all night.  After rambling on for a while in her annoying voice, Ash finally agrees to take him up on his offer to hang out in the fantasy suite and talk.  I believe there is a word for a couple who goes on vacation, spends the night in a beautiful suite with wine and champagne and doesn’t have sex, and that word is MARRIED.

Sean tells AshLee that he is falling in love with her, but although his words say yes, his face and body language betray him.  He may think she is sweet and feel bad for her, but he isn’t attracted to her the same way he is attracted to Lindsay.  That doesn’t stop him from blowing smoke up her ass about his feelings for her.   AshLee believes that she is “The One” and tells him that she wants a size 6 1/2 cushion ring with diamonds all the way around.  Note to single women- don’t do this.  Sean is her soul mate and she loves this man and this man has healed her broken heart.  She will spend the rest of her life with this man.  OMG his name is Sean, and you are so going home this week.   I hope that there is a big bottle of Xanax in the limo for when he sends her home to Deborah and Bruce.

Catherine

Sean saved the best for last, because the chemistry between Sean and Catherine was unbelievable.  They board a junk boat and cruise around Thailand for a while, declaring how much they missed each other.  Sean tells Catherine that he likes her because she is silly yet serious.  She responds by saying that she is weird.  He likes weird and tells her he needs a best friend and she fits the mold.  Hey, Sean, what about your BFF Lindsay?  Weird is the new abandoned and it seems to be the glue that holds their relationship together.  Concerned about her willingness to commit, Sean asks if she will move to Dallas.   Catherine responds that she is pretty much over Seattle, and wants to get away from her bitch sisters anyway, so she would be happy to move to Dallas.

Catherine sends up a red flag when she admits she ran away from her last committed relationship, but Sean doesn’t seem to care.  Catherine has put his mind at ease despite the fact that she avoids eye contact with him while they are talking.  He is completely taken with Catherine and it is written all over his face, not to mention their body language as they snorkel and make out so intensely that they cause a lightning storm.  Sean’s tongue makes a reappearance but who can focus on that when his pecs and biceps are staring at me in all their glory.

The heat doesn’t let up later in the night either.  Sean admits he can see himself marrying Catherine and asks her to picture their lives 5 years from now.  She pictures them married, with kids and happy.  Sean tells her that he can see himself marrying her, and at this moment it is clear that there is a lot going on between them.  Catherine is concerned about the fantasy suite because “there is no way I would do that.”  Have these girls not seen this show before?  What’s with all the morality all of a sudden?  He tells her the same thing he told AshLee (I just want for us to hang out and talk) and suddenly Catherine’s morality flies out the window.  Catherine wants to be treated like a lady, which is funny coming from the girl who told him that she is a vegetarian who loves the beef.  Remember that? Oh and did I not just hear her say that she wants to get intimate with Sean?  What is all this morality crap?

Catherine is shocked by the fact that a boy as hunky and beefy as Sean would be interested in a girl like her who eats too much and is chubby in a bathing suit.  OMG are you freaking kidding me?  They must find these contestants at a support group for women with low self-esteem.  They gaze into each others eyes during a moment of silence, while all of the women in America are screaming at their TV’s “tell him you love him!”  The chemistry between them is the strongest of the three couples and the sexual, romantic tension between them under the stars in the pool in the fantasy suite was mesmerizing until Chris Harrison broke in babbling about some Disney movie.  Thanks a lot Chris.

Rose Ceremony

Shirtless Sean runs his fingers through his hair and confesses that he knows who he is sending home this week.  Duh.  Even my 11 year old figured that out. (Don’t judge me- she likes the show).   He confirms to Chris that he has in fact fallen in love and has found his wife.

At this point, the best thing for Sean to do would be to quickly give out the roses and let the loser go home with a monkey as a parting gift.  But that wouldn’t be as much fun as showing the private videos that the women recorded for Sean in which they appear needy and desperate.  Lindsay says she wants to be his wife, but still can’t say “I love you.”  Catherine calls him a hunk and says she gets the wiggles when she thinks of him.  AshLee cries when she tells him that he is the one person in the whole world who has been able to fix her broken-ness.  It is clear from the look on his face that he is going to say goodbye to AshLee, and watching her video makes him feel like a real shit.  I think someone needs to call Dr. Phil right now and have him on standby.

During the longest rose ceremony to date, Sean hands the first rose to Lindsay, then the second and final rose goes to Catherine.

Does AshLee cry, break down, stand on a chair and yell abandoned?  No. She just stands there and gives him the death stare.  She is definitely formulating a plan to boil his bunny, and it’s just a matter of time before her head spins around and she vomits pea soup all over Sean.  AshLee shows restraint and walks away without saying goodbye to Lindsay or Catherine.  The death stare never leaves her face.  Sean tries to walk her to the reject SUV, but she tells him to “just stay there.”   She gracefully climbs into the third row of the car (the one I banish my children to when they start to fight with each other) and still hasn’t said a word to him.  She gives him the silent treatment which proves to me that she will make a really good wife one day.  I was so proud!  It took the really damaged woman to walk away with some dignity.  When she finally speaks, she says “I loved him and it’s the ultimate reject.”  Perhaps she should call Brother Nate so he can help with the use of the big word “rejection.”  She mumbles a Satanic prayer of evil on Sean’s soul, whips out her iPhone and reactivates her account on Christian Singles.  Sean hangs his head at the fountain in a gesture of shame and heartbreak, but is really thinking “Phew, I got off easy on that one but still I better remember to text my mom and tell her to hide my bunny.”

Next week, The Women Tell All.

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