The Bachelor Season 17: FINALE

Dressed like an Oscar, Catherine goes to accept her Sean. Photo credit:

Dressed like an Oscar, Catherine goes to accept her Sean. Photo credit:

By Denise Weiss Episode 11- The Finale Hello rose lovers and welcome to the Bachelor Finale! It seems like just yesterday that Fifty Shades of Drunk was seducing virgin Sean Lowe with a necktie, yet here we are, down to the final two women. As we walk down memory lane, we visit the ghosts of hopeful wanna-be brides of the past. There were models, a woman with a dent in her forehead, a record-breaking number of african american women, beach volleyball players, “no kissing allowed on TV” girl, a woman with 1.5 arms, and a never ending supply of women with low self esteem. Now there’s just Catherine and Lindsay and the big question is who is going to be the next future ex fiancé? Sean’s all-American white bread family arrives in Thailand in an effort to help him find “clarity” because he has fallen madly in love with two women. Sean’s nephew Smith is going to help “Uncle Seanie” pick the winner, because at 3 years old Smith is just as qualified as Sean to chose between Lindsay and Catherine. Out of the mouth of babes, Smith reminds Sean that “Emily didn’t pick you.” As of now, he is my favorite member of the Lowe family. Sean tells his family that they are going to meet Lindsay and Catherine who are both hilarious. He tells them that they will meet Catherine first and that she is from Seattle and comes from a great family. Funny, but I don’t remember Catherine’s great family. I remember her two bitter sisters, her dried up grandmother who was hot for Sean, and her mother who wanted to “wait and see” if her daughter should get engaged. Sean tells his family that “we get each other because she is weird and funny, and I am weird and funny.” His family seems surprised by Sean’s revelation that he is weird and funny. Sean’s father actually says “We didn’t know you were weird and funny, son.” Mama Lowe tells Sean that “if there is going to be a proposal you should already know in your head which girl you are going to pick.” Mama Lowe clearly hasn’t seen this show before. Sean’s response to that is “you would think that.” We ALL think that Sean- this is a marriage proposal, not an invitation to midnight mass. One point for Mama Lowe, who, from the look on her face, thinks her son is an idiot for getting himself in this position in the first place. Catherine meeting Sean’s family Catherine arrives at the hotel and is a ball of nerves. She is hoping to make a good first impression because she may have to be with this family for the rest of her life. Or at least the next few months. At lunch Catherine tells Papa Lowe that she played football in 6th grade on an all boys team until she broke her arm and was forced to be a cheerleader (don’t be dissing the cheerleaders Catherine). Sean reaches over and rubs her thigh. Mama Lowe takes Catherine for some one on one time and asks her when she knew that Sean was “the one.” We find out that Sean and Catherine fell in love over some post-it notes on which he wrote that he loved how her nose crinkled when she smiled. Tierra is home right now twirling her engagement ring saying “Secret notes, hmmm, how clever. Wish I had thought of that.” Mama Lowe gives Catherine her stamp of approval and would be thrilled to have her as part of the family. Papa Lowe is adorable in his jeans and polo shirt and asks Catherine if she really believes she can find love through this process. She tells him she is consumed by Sean. What kind of stupid answer is that? Papa Lowe then wants to know “how do you know for sure that you really are in love before you get married?” Catherine knows they will have hardships, but she is a fighter and is excited to have a best friend for life. Papa Lowe tells Catherine if Sean marries her, he will always be in her corner and will love her and support her like his own daughter. We all just fell in love with Papa Lowe! Catherine says goodbye and Sean is left waiting for Lindsay, still hoping that 1) he will find clarity, 2) his family will help him find clarity, or 3) the rest of us will find clarity and change the channel. Clarity for everyone! Lindsay meeting Sean’s Family Lindsay arrives in a van with Fed Ex packages and Sean tells her he missed her. Sound familiar? Lindsay believes she is hours away from becoming Sean’s fiancée and is excited to meet his family. I am no fashionista, so I tend to avoid making fun of what people are wearing (unless it’s really egregious then all bets are off) but someone has to tell Sister Shay to lay off the neon orange shirt and neon green shorts. I let her get away with it in Curacao, but we aren’t in the caribbean anymore- enough with the neon already. Speaking of Sister Shay, she brings up Lindsay’s “wedding dress out of the car” stunt and thinks it was hilarious. “I wore a wedding dress out of the limo on the first night of The Bachelor” will probably be engraved on Lindsay’s tombstone. Lindsay talks in her baby voice and tells Sean’s family about their escapades the past few weeks. They shoot the shit for a while and are having a great time- She laughs, they laugh. So much fun. Laugh. Laugh. Laugh. The Lowes are just the happiest people in the world and even I want to be part of their family. Papa Lowe interrogates Lindsay first and asks “how do you know that you are truly in love for life before you get married?” Good question Papa Lowe! Lindsay’s answer is “I want to hang out with him for the rest of my life.” Bad answer Lindsay! She tries to show that she isn’t 16 years old and supplements her response with “He is supportive and challenges me.” How has he been supportive and challenging? On the beach? At dinner? Feeding the monkeys? I don’t get it. Where and when have you been in any type of situation over the past 6 weeks where Sean would have been either supportive or challenging? Lindsay then drops the “P” word and tells Papa Lowe that in order to make their marriage work, she will compromise and pray. Speaking of prayer, Papa Lowe tells Lindsay that since the day Sean was born, he and Mama Lowe have been praying for Sean’s wife, whoever she may be. Lindsay doesn’t find that weird or anything. On a side note- Michael and I don’t pray for our girls’ husbands – we are much more practical and have propped ladders up outside their bedroom windows. If we don’t have any takers soon, we will add neon flashing lights outside the house and perhaps a billboard on the Thruway. Lindsay is a suck up and asks Papa Lowe for Sean’s hand in marriage. Papa Lowe is adorable and if he and Mama Lowe ever split up, he could be on The Bachelor, Octogenarian Season. Lindsay sucks up to Mama Lowe by telling her that she and Sean won’t live together until they are married. Kiss ass. Speaking of kissing, Sean and Lindsay must say goodbye, but can’t do so without at least 28 kisses. The sad thing is that although his lips might be saying Lindsay, his heart is falling for Catherine. Sean says he is very torn because he could have a long happy marriage with both of these women. Sorry Sean, but marrying both, moving to Utah, and starring in the next season of Sister Wives isn’t an option. Back in the hotel, the color coordinated Lowe clan agree that they love both girls and Sean is in win-win situation. Mama Lowe is scared about Sean making such a big decision and tells him that if he has any doubts, he shouldn’t propose to either girl. Finally, the voice of reason! Sean looks annoyed and tells Mama that he doesn’t want advice, just her support, which is a nice way of saying “pipe down mom.” Sean makes his Mama cry, and now is praying for clarity and forgiveness. He takes Mama for a walk to smooth things over, and once again, she tells him that maybe the best decision is to NOT get engaged just now. In the end, Sean’s family did not provide clarity, but got a free trip to Thailand. Back in the studio, Chris Harrison is doing everything he can to stretch the show into 3 hours and promises that there is big news coming! Lindsay Sean wears red shorts and his favorite aqua blue tank top. You know the one- it shows off the blue in his eyes and the bulk in his biceps. Lindsay arrives wearing a gray tank with pink shorty shorts. They are going to play Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer for the day and ride on a raft down the Mekong river. They talk geography and Lindsay thinks it’s beautiful and peaceful. I think it is muddy and looks like raw sewage. They float down the toilet river with Sean’s hand on her thigh and kiss for a change. Lindsay mumbles “I love you.” At night, Lindsay puts out wine and talks about being “so happy and so in love.” Apparently being in love means looking like a raccoon, because Lindsay’s eye make up is dark and awful. Sean thanks her for being such a surprise. They kiss. Then they reminisce about their first kiss, which was a few weeks ago. They kiss again. She tells him he is everything she ever wanted. More kisses. She wants to know what he’s thinking. Kiss kiss kiss. He says he’s glad to be with her and she looks pretty. Guess what they do next? You got it- Kiss. Lindsay says that since Sean can’t tell her his true feelings for her, he expresses himself by kissing, and that’s why they always kiss. OK Lindsay, you keep telling yourself that. In a Thai custom for good luck, they write words on lanterns and send them into the sky. Lindsay should have written “Catherine” on one of the lanterns, stamped on it, spit on it, ripped it in half, lit it on fire then thrown it in the muddy river. As they watch the lanterns float into the night sky, Sean says “At this moment, I think Lindsay is the one for me.” The key words in that sentence are “at this moment.” For Lindsay, this moment has been 24 years in the making, which means the purpose of her entire life up to this point has been to get engaged to Sean. Do these women hear themselves? Please. Catherine Sorry Lindsay, out of sight out of mind, and Sean has moved on to Catherine. He is searching for a sign and is still praying for clarity. Catherine and Sean are going to spend the day riding an elephant in matching outfits. (BTW- The elephant got more action than anyone in the fantasy suite did.) I sense a metaphor coming, and Catherine doesn’t let us down. Riding the elephant with Sean makes her feel “unstable, but in control at the same time because Sean is there and we are experiencing it together.” Catherine can really shovel the metaphor shit, but that is one big elephant, and I wouldn’t want to be the guy behind the shovel. After “the best day of their life,” they park the elephant and talk about their future. Catherine is excited to think about engagement parties, but shows as much emotion as The Terminator saying “I’ll be back.” Later that night, Catherine lights candles and hopes that she’s going to be able to open up about her feelings. You see, she’s afraid to say “I love you” and wants Sean to say it first. That’s real maturity for ya! Catherine knows it’s now or never, and babbles on in a monotone voice without looking at him once. Sean tells her not to worry because he knows who she is and pictures their life together. Catherine says “I honestly can’t see this going down any other way than accepting his proposal”- looking everywhere but at Sean. I think she just got engaged to the cameraman. As Sean leaves, Catherine manages to whisper “I love you” over the sound of their heartbeats (well, fake sound effect heartbeats.) Sean pats her on the ass and says “thank you for today.” Not the answer she was looking for, so she cries and runs after him. She finds him on the stairs and stands in front of him sniffling for a while. He hugs her and leaves. She can’t predict what’s going to happen and she’s scared. Ah, nothing says true love and trust like lying in the fetal position and crying. I think we just witnessed the mood swings her sisters were trying to warn him about. Decisions Decisions Both dates are over, and finally, HE arrives. No, not Neil Lane– Shirtless Sean!! OK, Neil Lane is there too. Sean has found clarity and his prayers have been answered because suddenly he knows which woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Sean wants a special ring for a special lady, and picks out the exact ring that AshLee had described before she was put out like yesterday’s garbage. Yet another blow to AshLee who is probably popping Xanax right about now. Shirtless Sean gets dressed for his big night, looks at the ring and cries. I don’t know what he’s crying about- it’s not like Neil Lane gave him a bill. Instead of crying, he should be jumping up and down screaming “free ring!” Lindsay gets dressed in a silver dress. Sean is her everything and she can’t put into words how in love she is. She is so confident that she is the one. Catherine is dressed in gold and looks like an academy award statue. She is not so confident. Sean is confident that he is ready to dedicate his life to the woman he has chosen. Or at least the next 6 months. Does anyone think that the silver and gold dresses are symbolic of how this is going to end? Before we witness someone’s crash and burn, we have to bring back 4 of the rejected women in a desperate attempt to waste time. Lesley M’s hair looks bad. Sarah says something but her voice was so annoying that I shoved my pillows in my ears. AshLee is still mad and doesn’t really care who he picks. I have no idea what Jackie said because I didn’t care enough to listen. The Big Moment The moment has arrived, but before we see who is going to have their heart broken, we have to watch Sean cry some more. Wuss. Maybe he should just leave the loser a note, or better yet, have Chris break the bad news. Sean is standing and waiting as the Mitsubishi station wagon pulls up (there must have been a limo shortage in Thailand that week). We see Lindsay’s tattooed foot step out and Chris escorts her to her waiting executioner. She has a big smile on her face and is confident that “today is the best day of my life because I’m going to get engaged.” Think again Lindsay- yours is the first car to arrive, and we all know what that means. Chris directs her to go over the bridge and down the path to find Sean. If Chris had a shred of decency, he would have told her to jump off the bridge and swim back to the hotel to avoid the embarrassment of what is about to happen. I can’t bear to watch what is coming next, and peer out from between my fingers as Lindsay steps onto the Platform of Doom. Sean goes on and on to Lindsay about her strength, courage, generosity and how he is blown away by her. All this time she is smiling, smiling, smiling. Then, Sean takes a deep breath, shakes his head and says “Lindsay this is the toughest thing I’ve ever had to do.” (with exception of sending Des and AshLee home a few days ago of course). Lindsay’s smile vanishes. Sean professes that he wants to give her his heart, but as of yesterday his heart has led him somewhere else. Yesterday? Are you shitting me? She drops his hands. Good girl- now kick him in the shin. Then, to add insult to injury, he tells her he loves her. Twice. At this point I yell at the TV and tell Lindsay to push him in the muddy river and JUST LEAVE! She is completely shocked and squeaks out “Was it me?” in a voice so high only dogs could hear it. He assures her it wasn’t her and that his heart took him in another direction. Finally, she can’t take another minute of this “nightmare” and says “I’m gonna go.” Oh thank G-d. Does she leave it at that though? NO. She has to add “I’m happy for you but can’t imagine my life without you.” Ah Jeez. In an attempt to get far away as quickly as possible, Lindsay takes off her shoes and hightails it across the bridge. Sean gets in one last stab at Lindsay’s heart by telling her he was blessed to have spent time with her. She resists the urge to throw a shoe at him, and storms into the waiting Mitsubishi of shame. What a jerk- remember Lindsay- this is the guy who made you eat bugs. I say good riddance. She cries and squeaks that she doesn’t want to be alone. Lindsay showed more maturity in the last 4 minutes of the show than she did all season. Catherine Before Catherine shows up to claim her prize, Chris arrives and hands Sean “the most hyped up yet meaningless letter on The Bachelor to date.” Apparently Catherine likes to write letters and today is no exception- she professes her love and lets Sean know that he has her heart forever. Catherine finally arrives in the rented station wagon and nervously walks towards her destiny. When she arrives on the now renamed Platform of Proposal, Sean grins and says “I miss you every time we have to say goodbye. I don’t want to say goodbye anymore. Catherine, I want to spend the rest of my life telling you that I love you.” Her nostrils flare as she holds back tears, she takes a deep breath and Sean gets down on one knee, pulls out the big blingy, Neil Lane, AshLee inspired engagement ring, and Catherine gasps “Yes!” Sean slips the ring on her shaking finger, hugs and kisses her and then, presents Catherine with the final rose. I have to admit, I got a little choked up. No more Mitsubishi station wagon for the newly engaged couple- their elephant limo arrives and they ride off into the sunset, while Catherine pets her new beefcake, hunky fiancée and exclaims “Oh my gosh, I get this, I get this”? Yes Catherine, you get it all! After The Final Rose To the dismay of everyone except Chris Harrison, we have seen the last of Shirtless Sean. Sean comes out fully dressed, looking pale and is not as cute as he was during the season. I am so over him. Catherine is the light of his life (gag) but before we can reunite our happy couple, Sean has to get the face to face with Lindsay out of the way. Sean says that while he was in Thailand, he prayed to the Lord all week and his prayers were answered; there was just something about Catherine that won his heart. Please Sean, let’s leave G-d out of this. I’m pretty sure G-d doesn’t watch The Bachelor and has bigger things to worry about than your need for clarity. Lindsay’s baby voice is still annoying, but at least she left the show with some dignity. Catherine and Sean are reunited and Chris lets the cat out of the bag. (It seems that in light of the high ratings from Ashley and JP’s wedding, Sean and Catherine have also agreed to be married on TV) Shocking. They haven’t set a date. Not shocking. I will believe a wedding when I see one. My guess is that Sean is into Catherine WAY MORE than Catherine is into Sean. Only time will tell, but I don’t see forever for these two. Did anyone else notice that no one from either Sean or Catherine’s families was at the After The Final Rose Live Finale? Sean’s family managed to show up in Curacao and Thailand, but couldn’t fly to L.A? On a final note, Desiree will in fact be the next Bachelorette. Thanks for accompanying me on Sean’s journey to find love. I hope you had as much fun reading these recaps as I did writing them. In the words of The Terminator- “I’ll be back.” -Denise

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