Bachelorette Season 9 : Ep 1

Chris welcomes Des to this season's Bachelorette pad. Photo: abc.com

Chris welcomes Des to this season’s Bachelorette pad. Photo: abc.com

By Denise Weiss

Hello Rose Lovers and welcome to Season 9 of The Bachelorette! It’s been a long 77 days for us “Bachelor Fans,” but I am back and ready to bring you the play-by-play as we follow Desiree on her second chance at love, which is sure to be filled with testosterone fueled drama!

Des’ season starts out with her declaring “picture like, the best dream you’ve ever had, times it by ten, and then live in it. That’s where I am.” That may be where you are now Des, but it appears that since we last saw you, you have been to the hairdresser and the gym, because you have done away with the Demi Lovato bangs and have dropped a few pounds.

The “journey for love” starts as Des drives up in a dingy Honda Accord and gazes at her new Malibu beach pad. Chris Harrison greets her at the Malibu beach house door, and takes her for a tour of her new digs. As they walk from room to room, we are reminded of Des’ humiliation as she begged Sean not to let her go last season. Though she was devastated when Sean sent her packing after meeting her family, she now insists that she is fine with being Sean’s 4th runner up, because she knows that she is exactly where she is supposed to be.

Des takes us down memory lane, and describes growing up poor but happy. She reminds us that she didn’t have a lot of money or nice things, but that her parents’ love was strong. Des tells us that her humble childhood included living in an apartment and that Brother Nate had to sleep in the living room. In case you didn’t know Des, there are children in the world who don’t have food and clean water, but I guess sleeping on the couch is the tragedy that created the Brother Nate that we know and love today. To further play on the rags to riches theme, Chris gives Des the keys to an Easter Egg Blue Bentley to replace the Honda Accord, and the nauseating “Fairytale” “Cinderella” and “Prince Charming” references begin.

We are barely 4 minutes in when Des starts shedding tears about how badly she wants to find love. In an effort to get to know Des, we watch her roller skate down the boardwalk, dressed like an 80’s porn star in shorts and a bikini top. Then we see her draw a few sketches and chase after some seagulls on the beach, all the while describing her ideal man as someone she can give her heart to. She sits down with Chris Harrison, drops a few hundred more Cinderella references and exclaims that she wants a man. Speaking of men, let’s meet our 25 potential soul mates:

Drew is a 27 year old Digital Marketing Analyst from Scottsdale, Arizona with a troubled childhood. His parents divorced when he was 8, his Dad was an alcoholic and his sister is severely mentally handicapped. All this childhood trauma has made him realize he is ready for love, and Desiree is the perfect woman for him to fall in love with. He knows that because he saw her on TV, I guess. Right out of the limo he is cute and nervous and tells Des that he couldn’t be happier that she was the Bachelorette.

Brooks arrives next and is unremarkable except for his bad attempt at a 5:00 shadow, too much hair gel and a dimple in his chin, which is reminiscent of Tierra’s forehead dent. He is a 28 year old marketing consultant from Salt Lake City, Utah.

Brad brings a wishbone. Boring, but what do you expect from an accountant.

Bryden is a 26 year old Iraq War Veteran from Missoula, Montana. He had one serious relationship that left him heartbroken, so he joined the Army. Therapy probably would have been less of a commitment and more effective for soothing a broken heart, but who am I to judge? He has a nice dog. When he finds out that Des is the next Bachelorette he does a lame sort of fist pump thing.

Michael is a Federal Prosecutor from Florida who drags Des over to the fountain to find the penny she threw in last season. Only Michael isn’t smart enough to pretend to find the penny- instead he digs around in the fountain like an idiot, getting wet and almost falling in. Finally, he pulls two pennies out of his pocket and he and Des make a wish.

Kasey is next and is perhaps the most annoying contestant ever. He is a 29 year old account executive who works in social media and likes to hashtag EVERYTHING. No, really. He hashtags ALL THE TIME. #heneedstoshutthe*^%$up.

Will is a 28 year old banker from Chicago who is one of the few black guys who does Bikram yoga (by his own admission) and likes to high five strangers on the street. He is such a fan of the high five that he greets Des with one right out of the limo. During his pre-season interview, upon hearing that Desiree was going to be the next Bachelorette, he yelled out “I love this womaaaaannnn.” A women he has never met. I guess he doesn’t remember how yelling “I love Sean” worked for AshLee last season.

Mikey T plays the family card and tries to get on Brother Nate’s good side by telling Des that he too is an older brother. He is a good looking guy, but how many grown men go by the name Mikey?

Jonathan is a 26 year old lawyer from Hickory, North Carolina who offers Des a fantasy suite card and room key. Des says she is not that kind of girl and Jonathan walks off.
Next out of the limo is Zak W, the 31 year old Drilling Fluid Engineer from Texas, likes to drink coffee naked on the deck of his house and apparently doesn’t own a shirt, because he arrives naked from the waist up. After a brief introduction, he asks Des “will you accept these abs.” What a dick. I will not call him #shirtlesszak, no matter how amazing his abs are.

James professes his loyalty to Des and promises to grow old, gray and fat with her. Imagine if a woman introduced herself to a man she was set up with and said “If we get married I look forward to getting fat.”

Larry is an emergency room doctor who wants to teach Des to dance, but ends up almost dropping her on her head. Larry may be a doctor, but spinning and dipping a girl who is standing on a cobblestone driveway in heels and an evening gown is not a good idea. He realizes he screwed up and drops an F-bomb on the way in. #epicfail.

Nick R. is a tailor/magician who almost sets Des on fire when he performs a magic trick turning a napkin into a rose. I’m hoping that for his next trick he makes himself disappear.

Zack K. arrives in a tux and Converse sneakers.

The introductions move on uneventfully until, oh no, Diogo arrives in a full suit of armor that looks less “knight in shining armor” and more “C3PO.” He complains that the suit is heavy. Maybe he can lend Zak a piece from the chest area.

Chris is a 27 year old mortgage broker from Seattle who nervously gets down on one knee and asks Des if she would mind if he tied his shoes.

Mike R. is a dental student from Dallas, Texas who described himself as a “Renaissance Man” (don’t know why) and arrives wearing his white dental coat, despite the fact that he is a dental STUDENT, not a dentist. Perhaps he was going to give Des a cleaning and a fluoride treatment. He thinks he looks like McDreamy in the white coat. I think he looks like McStupid.

Robert is a 30 year old entrepreneur from Los Angeles whose big move for the night is taking off his tie and throwing it in the bushes. Apparently, he invented those annoying signs on the side of the road that spin around. He has a really long neck and looks like a cross between a giraffe and a velociraptor.

Juan Pablo from Venezuela is next and WOW did it get HOT IN HERE! As the background music changes from classical limo to smokey Carlos Santana, Juan Pablo spends the next 10 minutes trying to teach Des how to pronounce his name. Not so sure why she had such a hard time with this, because next to Michael (or Miguel as they would say in Venezuela), Juan and Pablo are probably the most common names in the world. He gives her a piece of Venezuelan chocolate and swags off to the mansion.

Brandon arrives on a motorcycle. He is a 26 year old painting contractor who is a self proclaimed adrenaline junkie who is emotionally damaged because his Dad left when he was 5 years old and his mother is an addict.

Brian is a 29 year old Financial Advisor from Baltimore, Maryland who wore True Religion jeans and a “really soft jacket,” because he wears a suit everyday and wanted to do something different.

Brian’s outfit was better than Micah’s self designed suit, which made him look like a cross between Raggedy Andy and Dapper Dan.

Nick M. and Dan were relatively unmemorable.

Finally, the last limo of the night pulls up, the door opens and out steps Brody– the most adorable little boy dressed in a suit and tie and clutching a daisy. As Brody looks around and tries to figure out where the hell he is, his dad Ben steps out of the limo. Ben is a 28 year old entrepreneur from Texas who will be remembered as the man who shamelessly exploited his son on national television. Ben introduces Brody to Des before handing him back to Grandma to take him home. Des is completely smitten with Brody (and Ben too it seems) and as Brody drives off, we hear him say “I wish I could go to the party, that would be so much fun.” Sorry Brody, but you are way too mature for this party. Trust me. And by the way Brody, your dad just totally pimped you out to win a reality TV show.

Cocktail Party

Now the fun begins! Chris tells Des that she is free to give out roses throughout the night, and the guys don’t waste any time trying to get her attention. Nick the tailor/magician gets the first one-on-one time with Des by showing the guys how he can make her disappear.- by pulling her outside for a drink. Very clever Nick. But don’t get too comfortable because pretty soon Brandon shows up, and with a wave of his magic paint brush makes Nick disappear. Brandon gives Des his mom’s 7 year sober AA coin and makes her promise to give it back to his mom during their hometown date. I’m not sure if that was sweet or creepy.

Just when we start to wonder who will get the first impression rose, Daddy Pimp Ben shows up for some one-on-one time with Des. He tells Des that he was never married to Brody’s mom, but rather they were “two friends who have a kid together.” That doesn’t bother Des and Ben gets the first rose of the night and a bullseye on his back. Des thinks that Ben is “husband material.” I think he is a jerk for pimping out his kid.

Seeing that Ben used his best asset to get the rose, Zak decides to do the same. He drops his pants and jumps into the pool wearing nothing but his skimpy briefs. As he jumps, Kasey yells “hashtag shrinkage,” which is the 29th hashtag joke of the night and isn’t funny. Des is unimpressed by Zak’s shrinkage (pre and post jump) and Zak is left standing cold and alone in the pool. Fortunately, ratings are more important than Des finding true love, so the producers intervene and Zak gets a rose.

While Zak is shirtlessly gloating over his rose, Bryden talks about his dog and the boy he befriended in Iraq. Apparently it’s “let’s exploit the children” night at the mansion, and Bryden gets a rose. Juan Pablo grabs a soccer ball and turns his one-on-one time into a group date. He is probably the only contestant in Bachelor franchise history who is actually there to make friends. Juan Pablo doesn’t get a first impression rose, but Drew gets one for being “cute and nervous.”

Dr. Larry has spent the night reliving the nightmare of the “dip” and drinking a lot of bourbon. He finally gets his opportunity to apologize. It’s too bad for Dr. Larry however, that he is really, really drunk and in addition to slurring his words of apology, he actually falls asleep mid sentence. He tries to look like a sexy Clark Kent by seductively taking his glasses off and on, but instead looks sloppy and pathetic.

Just when we thought we had seen enough drunk for one night, Jonathan, the king of the horn-ball creepers makes his way for some one-on-one time. He is going to try the fantasy suite strategy again, but this time he is prepared- he fluffs some pillows, lights some candles and does a few one-legged push ups in anticipation of giving Des a “kiss on the mouth.” Instead of running to the fantasy suite with this creepy lawyer, Des rejects Jonathan again and politely makes a quick getaway.

Does Des’ second rejection stop this guy? No, of course not! Why not? Because according to Jonathan, “my mother thinks I am good looking” and “my love tank has not been depleted.” Seriously. That’s what he said. Instead of passing out on the couch like a normal drunk guy, Jonathan is even more determined, and pulls Des away for a third attempt to take her to the fantasy suite. After being led down a dark hallway, Des says she is uncomfortable and finally asks him to leave. He is taken away in a white minivan, hopefully to the nearest psychiatric hospital. I fully expect to see Jonathan’s picture on a poster at the post office in the next few days under the title “Sexual Predator.”

Rose Ceremony

It’s finally time for the rose ceremony. So who will join Ben, Zak, Michael, Bryden, Nick M. and Drew for a champagne toast and promises of another week at the mansion? Roses go to:

Brandon
Zack K.
Will
Brooks
Juan Pablo
Brad
Kasey
James
Robert
Brian
Dan
Chris
Jeff
Mikey

Diogo and his suit of armor are sent packing. Poor Diogo- he doesn’t know what to do because he gave it everything and his suit of armor was his only hope. He describes his feelings as that of an explosion– probably because he farted in the suit. Dr. Larry takes the walk of shame and is disappointed and embarrassed at being sent home on the first night. He can’t believe the dance/dip schtick failed, despite trying it out on 50 women. I’m sure the 50 women were not wearing heels, an evening gown and standing on a wet cobblestone driveway. I’m also fairly confident that you told them what you would be attempting a spin/dip combo, unlike trying to spring the “dip” on Des. If it makes you feel any better Dr. Larry, I have a feeling the “dip” was a very small part of the reason you were sent home. Mike the faux dentist and Nick the magician are also sent home. Just in time too, because Nick is in need of a full shave.

I expect this season will bring lots of drama, tears, helicopters and hot tubs!

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Orange County…Land of Sunshine and Housewives, Really!

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Views like this one abound in Orange County CA!

By Leilani Lynn

Living and working in Laguna Beach California definitely has its benefits!! All the men drive Porsches and all the ladies seem to be drinking from the “fountain of youth.”  I live here for exactly that reason.  I want to live where everyone is successful and beautiful so maybe a little of that will rub off on me.

South Orange County is polished and shiny and everyone is coiffed. The sprawling properties with their manicured lawns are excessively maintained and scream out luxury.  The bling is blinding and the wardrobes resemble the first floor of Neiman Marcus.  Orange County is materialistic and pretentious and everybody knows it – we drink the “Kool Aid” in the morning – then go shopping. The best part about living here is the Real Housewives of Orange County – of course. They often film in Laguna and I happen to run into them from time to time.

Lynne Curtin from seasons four and five shows up at my yoga class periodically. Jo De La Rosa and Jeana Keough from season one have strolled through my art gallery. All three housewives are very nice and rather shy in person. I expected real big personalities from these ladies but they are just regular folks like you and me. I am a Real Housewives franchise fanatic so playing it cool is always a chore.

Only a few more days to enter!

One day last summer I had just shown up for work – it was one of those amazing sunny days in Laguna – so crisp and clear you could see Catalina Island. There were hoards of tourists and Main Beach was pumping. I looked up from my desk and there she was – Jeana Keough. I walked over to her and welcomed her to the gallery. She was dressed in athletic gear without makeup, looking 30 pounds lighter (I guess it’s true what they say about the camera). Jeana was viewing a rather large bronze sculpture so I jumped in with my award winning presentation. After all I know she can afford it – living in Coto de Caza (which is 20 miles inland BTW – the REAL money is along the coast – just ask Heather Dubrow– but that will have to be another story). Everything was going great Jeana loved the bronze and then I said “this would look great in one of your homes” with a wink and an all-knowing smile. Well that did it – she turned around and walked out of the gallery!

Jeana knew that I know all about her life. I know where she lives. I know that her estranged husband has a bedroom of his own and where her children sleep. I am a complete stranger to Jeana – and all of this is frankly none of my business. Yet Jeana invited us into her home when she joined the show. Her family and all their vulnerabilities became entertainment for all of us to watch. We as the viewer are voyeurs … and isn’t it delightful!

It is interesting that the Real Housewives of Orange County was the first in the franchise and has never been one of my favorites. I think it is just too close to home. All that screaming and “woo hooing” just isn’t my scene – or is it? Maybe the Real Housewives are mirrors of us all – revealing all the things we dislike about ourselves and highlighting all the things we love about ourselves. No one has a “picture perfect” life – so for the housewives to put it ALL out there takes guts!!

PS. Not everyone in Orange County has a boob job… just ask Tamra Barney.

imageLeilani Lynn is from Orange County California. She has traveled extensively and has lived on an island in the middle of the Pacific. Leilani has a Masters Degree in art history from the University of Hawaii and is a patron of the Arts. She is engaged to a big handsome lug but her Pekingese is the lady of the house… Bloop!

Follow on Twitter Leilani@guiltypleasur_

Reality Roundup

Kyle Richards (left) and Lisa Vanderpump (right). (Source: Splash News Online)

The drama never seems to stop in the 90210. The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star Kyle Richards was blindsided during filming last week when co-stars Brandi Glanville and Lisa Vanderpump made allegations that her husband, Mario Umansky, was cheating on her.

Lisa and Brandi decided “to confront Kyle about it on camera,” an insider told RadarOnline. “They absolutely blindsided her, and were relentless.”

“Brandi maintained she had solid information to prove that Mauricio has been cheating on Kyle. Kyle became extremely upset, and refused to listen to the girls. She felt especially betrayed by Lisa because they had once been so close.”

However, Lisa told E! News that the confrontation never happened and dismissed the rumors that Mauricio is unfaithful.

Of course, on reality shows you end up talking about everything, but I don’t like when they get things so inaccurate,” Lisa stated. “It’s vicious and that’s not true.” “It’s all utter bulls–t and I don’t mind you quoting me saying that,” Lisa added.

Lisa also told E! that she’s “glad” Adrienne Maloof is no longer part of RHOBH. 

“I’m glad she’s gone,” Lisa said, adding “If you’re going to do a reality show and got something to hide, don’t do it.”

And Housewife Head Honcho Andy Cohen agrees with Lisa:  “I hate to see any cast-member go,” Andy told TooFab when asked about Adrienne’s departure from the series. “I think if you want to go on the show, you have to be willing to live your life and reveal everything; you can’t edit things about yourself. I think it got to be the wrong place for her,” Andy added.

However, Andy insists that viewers will be pleased with the cast for the upcoming fourth season, which is currently filming.

Everyone will be very pleased with who is coming back,” Andy assured WetPaint. “Everyone will be very excited to meet the new Housewives.”

The rumored new Housewives are Carlton Gebbia and Baroness Monica Van Neumann.

It’s confirmed! The Real Housewives of Orange County star Tamra Barney and her fiancée Eddie Judge will tie the knot in front of Bravo cameras as part of their own spin-off series! Tamra first hinted at a possible spin off when TBB interviewed her in March.

The new series will follow the couple as they get ready for their upcoming summer wedding. Filming has reportedly already begun on the untitled show. In fact, the network taped the couple’s joint bachelor/bachelorette party in Las Vegas last weekend.

Tamra joins the list of Real Housewives who received  wedding spin-offs like New Yorker Bethenny Frankel, and Atlanta natives Kim Zolciak and NeNe Leakes.  

 Orange County residents Gretchen Rossi and Slade Smiley are also jumping the broom in the near future and rumor has it the couple may be swinging a similar deal with the network.

Bravo’s Married to Medicine has been quite a success for the network. The show, which premiered to 1.89 million viewers, is the highest-rated non-spinoff series in network history.

Although the ratings fluctuated throughout the season, each episode averaged 1.8 million viewers! Part one of the two-part reunion special airs this Sunday, May 26th and according to a press release, hearts will race when a surprise guest makes an appearance! Part two of the reunion will air on May 28th and the Lost Footage episode will air on June 4th.

Melissa Gorga poses in a red bikini for her Us Weekly photoshoot! (Source: Us Weekly/Perry Hagopian)

Melissa Gorga may have given birth to three adorable children, but her body is rockin’! The Real Housewives of New Jersey star landed herself on the cover of Us Magazine’s Annual Hot Bodies issue!

“I definitely work out now harder than I’ve ever worked out in my life,” Melissa told the mag. “It came naturally to me before I had children, and now I have to work for it, which I’m used to. I’ve always been a hard worker. I don’t mind working for it.”

Despite her sweet-tooth, Melissa makes sure to eat nutritiously. “I love candy. I really do. But I try to stay away. When I look for something sweet it’s always fruit. I usually go for the berries.”

One reason Melissa continues to stay active and eat healthy is to set a good example for her children. “My daughter sees me workout all the time,” Melissa shares. “I like to show them that I’m healthy. Their father likes to show them that he’s healthy – and through that they’ll see a healthy lifestyle.”

There’s still time to win an autographed copy of RHONJ ‘s Caroline Manzo’s book. Winner will be announced during the June 2nd premiere.

The former Real Housewives of Atlanta cast member Kim Zolciak proudly posted a picture of her youngest daughter, Ariana, on May 23, the day of her elementary school graduation.

“My sweet angel @arianazolciak is graduating 5th grade today!!!! Straight A’s all year! We are soooo proud of you sweetheart!!”

Congratulations, Ariana! Good luck in middle school!

The divorce drama continues in the ATL! The Real Housewives of Atlanta star Porsha Stewart is claiming that her husband, Kordell, who filed for divorce back in March, has changed the locks on their family home!

According to documents filed in Georgia family court, the 31 year old housewife claims that Kordell has locked her out of the home they are supposed to be sharing multiple times, adding that after numerous requests he refuses to give her a key!

Porsha has tried to work things out with Kordell in mediation, TMZ reports. However, Kordell refuses to participate in their sessions, saying they are a “waste of everyone’s time.”

Porsha is requesting a judge force Kordell to allow her access to the home or give her enough money to find a “suitable alternative residence.”

In the meantime, Porsha is staying with her mother who also lives in Atlanta.

Is LuAnn in or out?! We still don’t know!

Filming for the sixth season of The Real Housewives of New York City is finally underway after weeks of  setbacks, including contract negotiations. However, conflicting reports state that Countess LuAnn de Lesseps has definitely returned and others claim she is still negotiating her contract with the network.

Tom Murro told Reality Tea that the cast of RHONY was spotted filming this week, but LuAnn wasn’t in attendance.

“Aviva [Drescher] and Ramona [Singer] were together having cocktails upstairs for the cameras” at EVR Restaurant, he explained. Claiming the Countess did not attend the soiree “because as of last night [May 22nd, 2013] she still hasn’t signed her contract.”

A source close to the network revealed that “she’s unhappy with their offer and Bravo isn’t willing to budge.”

Tell us! Would you miss LuAnn on The Real Housewives of New York City if she were to depart from the series?