By: Denise Weiss
All The Right Reasons
It’s week 2 of The Bachelorette which means it’s time to separate the men from the boys. Or in Des’s case, find one decent guy in a mansion full of losers. I find it hard to believe that the 25 potential suitors who climbed out of the limo last week were the best that ABC could scrape up. I also find it hard to believe that any of these men are here for “the right reason,” i.e. to fall in love with Des a/k/a Cinderella. To me they look like they are auditioning for a Crest White Strips commercial or the remake of Baywatch.
Tonight’s episode is brought to you by the letter “B” as in Bryden, Brandon, Brooks, Brad, Ben and Brian. The remaining men whose names start with one of the other 25 letters of the alphabet are Drew, Robert, Will, Zak, Kasey, Michael, Juan Pablo, Dan, James, Chris, Nick, Mikey T. and Zack.
As the boys settle into the mansion, a fairy godmother appears in the form of Chris Harrison. With the stroke of his magic wand and a “bippity boppity boo” Chris pulls out the first date card. Before the name of the lucky guy is announced, Chris reminds us for the umpteenth time that there will be 2 one-on-one dates,1 group-date and roses are up for grabs at each date, as if we haven’t heard this all before. Finally, the moment we have all been waiting for. The first date goes to dut dut duh…Brooks, who is so excited that he air jabs a few punches and an upper cut and says he is Rocky Balboa. Brooks has wavy slicked back hair and calls Des a “ball of mystery.” Ew. The date card reads “I’m waiting for a sign.” I thought Robert was the sign guy. Never mind- it doesn’t matter.
One on One with Brooks
Des pulls up to the mansion in her turquoise Bentley which clashes with her hot pink tank top. She and Brooks drive off while the remaining boys proclaim their envy and hope that Brooks dies in a fiery car crash on Hollywood Blvd. No such luck boys- instead, Brooks and Des spend the afternoon at a bridal shop shopping for wedding attire. Clearly every single man’s dream date come true. A word of advice to the single ladies- don’t try this at home.
Des is excited and feels like a newlywed. They “celebrate” by taking selfies and feeding each other cupcakes out of a truck. Nothing screams newlywed like eating cupcakes on the sidewalk while inhaling exhaust fumes.
The next stop on this fascinating date is the Hollywood sign, which according to Brooks “looks over L.A. and is like you are floating on clouds.” Those aren’t clouds Brooks, that’s smog.
Brooks is a little light in the loafers if you know what I mean, and is a bit of a girly man. Speaking of loafers, what are those horrible shoes Des is wearing? I guess ABC blew their entire budget on the Bentley and couldn’t afford a decent date locale or a better pair of shoes for Des. Maybe they can ask Michael G. to go out and see if there are any more pennies in the fountain.
Brooks and Des engage in a deep conversation about past relationships, commitments, blah blah blah. They kiss as the sun sets over Los Angeles. I believe we have seen this date before.
As night falls, we watch Des and a very nervous Brooks drive through a “shady” area of town, complete with graffiti and barbed wired fences. Not sure what he is nervous about- does he not see the camera crew, lighting people, production assistants and security guards following them? They drive across a (closed to the public) bridge and find a beautifully set table for their romantic dinner. Over dinner, Des tells Brooks that her parents have been married for over 30 years. She asks Brooks his thoughts about marriage. He fumbles a bit before telling Des that his parents were divorced when he was younger, and he didn’t speak to his Dad for 6 years. Brooks gets weepy when he recounts his reunion with his Dad, the resentment that followed, and his attempts to rebuild their relationship. His eyes are red from crying and he is very emotional. Someone please pass Brooks a tissue. And a tampon because I think he just got his period. The date ends with a private concert by Andy Grammer and Brooks’s attempt at dancing It was awful. At least he managed to kiss her a few times. Brooks says it’s “the most magical date I’ve ever spent” and gets the rose.
Back at the mansion, the group date card arrives and asks “who’s here for the right reason?” Chris hopes he will be on this date, because he has yet to hear his name on a date card. Uh, Chris, there has only been one date card so far, so calm down.
Dan, Juan Pablo, Kasey, Zack, Will, Brian, Drew, James, Mikey, Zak W., Nick, Michael G., Brandon, and Ben are selected for the group date, and arrive wearing various hues of v-neck t-shirts. Turns out that Des has a musical side, and the group date will consist of the guys shooting a rap video called For The Right Reasons. What could Des possibly know about filming a rap video you ask? Not much, but fortunately, Soulja Boy’s career has taken a down turn since his big hit Crank That a/k/a “Superman That Ho” and he has plenty of time to teach 13 of the whitest white boys and 1 self proclaimed “only black guy who does hot yoga” to rap and dance. The only purpose this date serves is to prove that white men can’t rap. Or dance. But neither can Will who clearly isn’t Soulja Boy’s brother from another mother.
After being evaluated for lead roles, the guys head to wardrobe to get dressed for the big shoot. Brandon’s costume is a shirt and a banana hammock. Not only does Brandon have the worst costume, his big dance move is to juggle his junk in Des’s face. Brandon is a trooper and doesn’t give up, despite his inability to remember his lines. Des appreciated his commitment. She didn’t appreciate his junk. The worst part was when his man parts were sticking out of the banana hammock, Brandon covered them with one hand. Brandon, at least use both hands and impress the girl.
Ben scored a solo and got some one-on-one time with Des, much to the chagrin of Mikey T.
Eventually, the sun goes down and the video is finished, but the date isn’t over just yet. Zak W., who is wearing a shirt and seems less douchey than he did last week, presents Des with an antique diary that he probably picked up at a yard sale on his way to the mansion. The diary has an inscription from a father to a daughter, and Des finds this AMAZING. We know this because she says the word AMAZING 4 times in a row. Zak W. tells her he knows he came off badly on the first night, and that he is not a clown. Des thinks he has depth and is here for the right reason.
While Bozo, I mean Zak W. is talking to Des, Brandon is in the other room telling the guys that love is like a butterfly that he doesn’t want to squash. Good thinking Brandon. Squashing a butterfly will only get you butterfly poop all over your hands. While Brandon is yakking about butterflies, Ben busts in on Mikey T.’s conversation with Des and whisks her away for some one-on-one time. This is the official start of #ihateben2013, and Mikey T. is the president of the club. While the men are in the corner getting their nails done and talking shit about Ben, Ben is out back with Des and is once again using his son Brody to win Des’s heart. Ben asks Des if he can kiss her, and moves in without waiting for an answer. Des doesn’t seem to mind, but I can’t say the same for Brandon who is watching from the roof. He is really upset because of the feelings he has for Des. After all, he has known her a whole two days and has spent at least 15 minutes with her. But his feelings are strong, and he seems a little unnerved.
Des and Drew were sitting in front of the fireplace having a nice conversation until Brandon interrupted. Which was a good thing, because 5 more minutes in front of that fireplace and Drew’s hair gel would have caught fire.
Brandon takes Des outside to tell her his tale of woe- his Dad left when he was five, his mom moved the family every two years, mom was a drug addict, he was truant, he changed diapers, raised his sister, etc. etc. etc. Des probably wanted to say “listen buddy, I grew up in a tent with Brother Nate so save your sob story” but instead gave him a hug. Brandon doesn’t need a wife; he needs a good therapist. Maybe he should give AshLee a call.
Michael G. talks to Des about how much he respects the women in his life, including his mom, sister and his nana. Yes, Michael G. played the nana card. He tells Des that no matter what happens, he will always have her back. Michael G. has officially entered the friend zone.
Meanwhile, Mikey T. a/k/a “Mr. Let’s Clear The Air” pulls Ben aside for some brotherly advice. Mikey tells Ben that he doesn’t like that he is only nice to the guys when the cameras are there, and that Ben isn’t genuine. Ben responds that he is not a backstabber and compliments Mikey’s shoes. That makes Mikey happy. Mikey is a woman. At the end of the night, our resident villain Ben got the group date rose.
One on One with Bryden
The next one-on-one date goes to real soldier boy Bryden and involves driving around California while eating snacks bought at a convenience store. The day long date includes flying a kite at the beach, eating fish tacos, running through an orange grove, having a picnic and discovering that Bryden doesn’t know what brie is.
As day turns into night, Des and Bryden pull up to an inn in Ojai for dinner and a sob story. Bryden tells Des about a car accident that caused a collapsed lung and 100 staples in his head, oh,and by the way, he happens to have the pictures in his pocket to prove it! Des loves the pictures and gives him a rose.
After dinner, they frolic in a hot tub, and Bryden gets so nervous that he doesn’t look at her while he repeats that he had fun day. After 10 minutes of awkward conversation, Des demands “Just kiss me already.” Bryden is ever the good soldier and obeys her command. Bryden seems like a nice guy, but his bowl haircut reminds me of Lloyd from Dumb & Dumber. Google it.
At the cocktail party. Michael G. decides the timing is right to tell Des that he has Type 1 diabetes. He launches into a long, boring story about a phone call from the doctor with his blood sugar levels. Just as Des’s eyes are about to roll to the back of her head out of boredom from listening to “As The Diabetes Turns” Ben swoops in and takes Des away from Michael. Michael takes it like a man and goes running into the other room, gathers the guys and tells them how big bad Ben took Des away from him! Mikey T. is particularly miffed because “I already had a talk with him” about his behavior. Meanwhile, Ben is out back for round two of his make out session with Des, and mistakenly believes he is the only one who has kissed her so far. Clearly he can’t taste the remnants of Brooks or Bryden on her tongue.
As soon as Ben is done slurping Des’s face, the men attack! Michael G. makes a federal case about Ben moving in during his diabetes story time, tells him that he’s rubbing the guys the wrong way, and lets him know that he doesn’t care if they are friends or not. Uh, OK Michael, if you don’t care, then shut the f*** up already. After reapplying their lip gloss and mascara, the guys hold the next meeting of the #ihateben2013 club, which is now the #wehateben2013 club, and gossip about Ben like a bunch of women at the hair salon. They unanimously decide that despite his excellent rapping skills, Ben is not there for the right reason.
Brian, who has stayed away from all the man-drama so far, decides it is a good time to talk to Des. He sweeps her off her feet (literally) and carries her to a couch for some private time. He tells her that his last relationship ended a few months ago, or maybe more like six months ago, and that he is ready to find love again. Sadly, the only thing that is memorable about Brian is that one eye opens wider than the other.
Chris Harrison arrives and smells the estrogen. Good thing he brought some Midol with him to help the ladies who are feeling bloated.
Ben, Bryden and Brooks already have roses and the remaining roses go to James, Kasey, Dan, Juan Pablo, Brad, Chris, Brian, Zak W., Drew, Mikey T., Zack, Michael G., and Brandon. Heading off to for the ride of shame home are Will, Robert and Nick M., who are heartbroken and hurt, and take this rejection a little too seriously.
Next week- which one of our guys is the “lying, cheating, deceitful pig” with a girlfriend?