By Denise Weiss
Let A Few Balls Rip
It’s week 3 of The Bachelorette and we are down to 16 guys in women’s tank tops. Chris arrives at the mansion with the first of two group date cards. The “Love Is A Battlefield” date goes to Chris, Brian, Drew, Michael, Brooks, Brad, Mikey T., Brandon, Zack and Ben. Let the battling begin!
After a quick limo ride in a stretch SUV, the guys are greeted by Des covered in pink lycra. Instead of being treated to a Pat Benatar concert, the guys are introduced to the men of the National Dodgeball League. Unbeknownst to most people, there is a professional dodgeball league. The over zealous commissioner of the league introduces himself and explains that the league is made up of “serious” players. How serious can they be? The game can be summed up with the 5 D’s of dodgeball, which according to Patches O’Houlihan are “dodge, dip, dive, duck and dodge.” Just ask Ben Stiller. It’s a good thing Brandon wore his lucky orange headband. That should scare the bejeezus out of the professional dodgeball players.
After sizing up the pros, Michael G, who becomes more feminine every week, refers to them as “very intimidating looking fellows holding dodgeballs.” Uh Michael, real men don’t use the word “fellows.” After a lot of “balls whizzing by my face” references, Des’s men get their girly asses kicked by the real men of the National Dodgeball League. Chris Harrison shows up and tells them that since the professionals have sufficiently humiliated them, it’s time to play against each other. The guys have been “randomly” assigned to two teams, and the winning team gets more time with Des.
The Red Team consists of Mikey T., Michael G., Brooks, Chris and Brandon and the players for the Blue Team are Ben, Drew, Zack, Brad and Brian. Des is excited to watch the guys play dodgeball because she likes to watch men in their natural state. Nothing says ‘back to nature’ like an intense game of dodgeball.
Speaking of nature, the men arrive at the dodgeball field dressed like 5th graders going to field day in their ‘two sizes too small’ Soffe shorts and knee socks. No man ever looked sexy in Soffe shorts, and these guys are no exception. Brandon exchanges his lucky orange headband for a red one, and Brooks puts his hair up in a ponytail to keep his long locks out of his eyes. I’m assuming he keeps a hair tie on his wrist for just such an occasion. Speaking of hair, Michael G. must have gone back to the mansion and set his in curlers before the game because his hair looked fabulous. He obviously didn’t spend the time waxing his chest, and he is the only guy with hair sticking out of his tank top. Michael G.’s best dodgeball strategy would be to hide behind Mikey T. to avoid messing up his hair.
After a manly Red Team cheer and a ‘not so manly’ Blue Team jig, the battle begins. The blue team wins the first game after going “balls to the wall.” The red team wins the second game. The third game, according to Michael G., is for “all the marbles.” Again, not a manly thing to say dude. Speaking of marbles, at the start of the third game, Brooks goes down in what looks like a kick to his marbles. Fortunately for Brooks his family jewels are safe, but he broke his vagina. Oh wait, his finger is broken not his vagina, and off to the hospital he goes.
Despite Brooks’s injury, the game must go on, because according to Drew, “this is do or die, this is game 7 of the World Series, it’s intense, it’s palpable.” Take it easy Drew- we know this is for all the marbles, but no matter how hard you try, this pathetic game will not turn into the World Series. In the end Drew’s intensity paid off and the Blue Team emerged as the dodgeball victors. Michael G.’s hair held, but he cried because he lost the marbles, I mean more time with Des. I have clearly lost my marbles because I am sitting and watching this stupidity. Good news Michael! Des was tricking you and all the guys get to come on the date, even the red team losers. Damn, I was hoping to listen to Michael whine some more and blame his team’s loss on Ben.
Speaking of whining, we find out that Brooks has been taken to the hospital via ambulance with sirens blasting and lights a-flashing. We next see Brooks on a gurney in the Emergency Room, where he is getting oxygen because he passed out in the ambulance. Grow a pair of marbles Brooks- its just a broken finger! Put a Hello Kitty band-aid on it and get back in the game. It’s not like your shin bone protruded through your skin during an NCAA basketball tournament. Even that guy didn’t pass out. I would think you could handle a finger bone alignment. I had three human beings come out of my body and I didn’t require oxygen or pass out. And one of them was almost 10 pounds! How much longer until Brooks goes into hypothermic shock or falls down the stairs?
Group Date – Evening
The games are over, but the date goes on at the InterContinental Hotel. Brad gets some alone time with Des, and just in time because he has something he must get off his chest. After a lengthy and unnecessary lead in, Brad’s big reveal is that he has a 3 year old son named Maddox who lives with him full time. Sorry Brad, but Ben beat you to the “exploiting your child for personal gain” angle. Brad does however use his son to explain a domestic violence charge and restraining order filed against him by his alcoholic baby mama. Sure Brad- we believe you. It was all the drunk baby mama’s fault. If that weren’t bad enough, Brad reaches a new low when he tells Des that he would not have left Maddox at home “if anyone but you were the Bachelorette.” Talk about blowing smoke up her ass. Putting everything else aside Brad, who are you and where have you been the past two weeks?
Meanwhile, Chris is getting impatient. He finally gets Des’s attention, and takes her to a private spot he “found”- the rooftop of the hotel- where they talk and bond. It’s looking really good for Chris until Brooks arrives at the hotel in a vicodin induced haze, holding his broken finger up in the air and still wearing his Red Team uniform (obviously no one at the hospital had the heart to tell him that his team LOST). Brooks and Des sit under a purple blanket, talk and kiss. Although Brooks got the group date tongue, Chris gets the group date rose and a private concert by some lady singer. They dance and kiss. No one cares.
Back at the mansion, a date card arrives and Kasey gets the coveted one on one date.
Crazy Stephanie and Cheating Brian
The next morning Des is relaxing on the couch wearing skin tight, hideous flesh colored pants. As she is jotting down some thoughts in Zak’s yard sale journal, the phone rings. It’s Chris Harrison with some “bizarre” news. Chris is here for the right reasons and needs to rat out one of the guys. Chris – what happened to bros before hoes? Really, dude!
Des heads to the mansion and calls Brian and his hot pink t-shirt outside for a chat. Des questions Brian about his last relationship, and he assures her that it was over a long time ago. As the words are leaving Brian’s lips, Chris Harrison is escorting Brian’s ex-girlfriend/girlfriend Stephanie through the mansion. In one of the “most dramatic, staged, phony, set-ups to date” Stephanie, who has taken way too much Adderall, goes off on a hysterical, fast talking, tear provoking tirade. She screams at Brian for lying to her and for not caring about Donovan, (“don’t you care about Donovan, my son, my son Donovan).” She is also a little upset about Brian dating 6 or 7 other girls including a stripper. For a guy with a crooked face, Brian does OK for himself. Stephanie goes on and on, and not even Chris Harrison can stop her. Brian may be a louse who hooked up with her two days before he came on The Bachelorette, but can you blame him for flying to the other side of the country to get away from that level of crazy? Stephanie is a raving lunatic! ABC better make her the next Bachelorette, because that’s the only way she will ever date again after admitting on national television that she threw rocks in Brian’s face. At least she got to wear her tight black leather pants.
Chris’s eardrums eventually shatter from Stephanie’s high pitched squealing, and security guard Pauly escorts Brian to his room to pack, and then out the door back to Baltimore. The cleaning people must have had the day off because that room was a pig sty! Des should find out who Brian shared a room with and make sure she doesn’t pick any of those slobs to be her husband.
After Brian leaves, Chris and Des head into the mansion to tell the guys what just went down- like they weren’t all listening at the back door. Des demands to know if anyone else has any secrets. Twelve seconds of silence and zero confessions later, Des and Kasey finally leave for their date.
As soon as Des leaves, the guys start talking about Brian and Hurricane Stephanie. Michael G. struggles to open a jar of pickles while Brandon has a breakdown in the kitchen. It seems that Brandon’s mom was not only an alcoholic, she was also a slut who brought home a lot of guys who Brandon fell in love with. Sadly, these men abandoned him and his mother. Hearing that Stephanie was a single mom brought back bad memories for Brandon. He loves Des and doesn’t want anyone leaving him anymore. Someone please get security guard Pauly back immediately- Brandon needs a hug and some Thorazine.
Kasey One on One
Des and Kasey attempt to put the Brian debacle behind them and head to Sunset Boulevard so they can dance down the side of a building. Been there, scaled that. Next they head to the top of the same building for a night of romance. Too bad Mother Nature is a bitch and sends a strong message with her huge wind gusts- that message being ‘this date is OVA!’ Instead of heeding the wild wind’s warnings and heading inside, Des and Kasey attempt to salvage the date by jumping into the freezing rooftop pool. Kasey kisses Des, but Des is emotionally drained from her stealth attack on Brian and isn’t feeling it. Des and Kasey go inside and sit in a stairwell. Des gives Kasey the rose for being there for the right reasons. #poorkasey
Second Group Date
The second group date card arrives for Dan, Bryden, Zak W., James and Juan Pablo, and reads “Who Will Be The Lone Man Standing.” Dan is someone we haven’t seen before. He is a beverage distribution specialist, which means he works the register at the 7-11. The guys are picked up in a stagecoach and Des throws a stunt man off a balcony. The sole purpose of this date is to shamelessly promote the next Disney film The Lone Ranger.
The guys get dressed up in cowboy gear and learn how to be stunt men. This is just as stupid as playing dodgeball, but is slightly entertaining when Dan splits his pants getting on the horse. Perhaps he had one too many Slurpee/Burrito combos. Juan Pablo plays his part in Spanish and wins the challenge after whispering Latin sweet nothings into Des’s ear. His prize? A private screening of The Lone Ranger. Des and Juan Pablo sit on hay bales and eat popcorn while they watch the movie. At one point Juan Pablo attempts to feed Des a piece of popcorn, but misses her mouth and the popcorn falls down her dress and lands on her right breast. Being the man-whore that he is, he reaches into her dress, fishes the kernel out of her cleavage and places it in her mouth. Then he leans in for a kiss, letting his tongue lead the way. They make out for the rest of the movie. Juan Pablo is quite the player and something tells me this isn’t his first rodeo.
Later that night, Des and the boys sit around a campfire and get all cozy and drunk. Des hasn’t sucked face with enough guys the past 24 hours, so she and Bryden make out in a tree. When she is done with Bryden, she moves onto Zak, but he doesn’t get any action. I think Des is afraid of Zak and his huge mouthful of very large, overly white teeth.
James finally gets one on one time with Des and tells her that he is having a hard time being here because his Dad has pancreatic cancer. James puts Des on the spot and asks if he should stay and waste his time with her, or return home to his dying Dad. Instead of insisting that he go straight home and before his father drops dead, she gives James the group date rose. James and Des end the date with some kisses. With all the men Des kissed this week, she should have an raw, oozing herpes sore on her upper lip in a couple of days. Especially after kissing Juan Pablo. God knows where he’s been.
In lieu of a cocktail party, Des decides to throw a pool party. Des arrives at the mansion, but before she can step one foot out of the Bentley, Ben, who is wearing one of Des’s tank tops, steals her away for a quick ride and some sneaky one on one time. Upon their return, Ben and Des pull in the driveway, kiss and head into the yard to join the others. But not before being spotted by Michael G. and Mikey T. Michael G is mad!! He says “why does Ben feel the need to steal her away and take underhanded measures to get more time with her- It doesn’t make sense.” Uh, Michael, it makes perfect sense you fool!! I have been watching this show for 26 seasons- there are no rules. Who died and made Michael G. the Bachelor/ette rules police anyway?
Mikey T. says that Ben deserves a punch in the face. Michael G. and Mikey T. bring Ben out front and tell him they aren’t going to be his friend. As if Ben gives a shit. Ben says “it’s called The Bachelorette for a reason, it’s not called let’s make friends.” Ben is 100% right. I’m starting to think that Michael G. and Mikey T. should start a knitting club. They just aren’t cut out for this type of competition. They can start by crocheting Ben a manly tank top.
Brandon hasn’t had enough off camera therapy this week and is still thinking about the men who abandoned him and his mother. He tells Des that he will never hurt her, he thinks about her all day, that he is falling in love with her, and that by next month their periods should be synced. He leans in to tell her a secret i.e. “I’m needy, damaged goods,” but instead tries to give her a kiss. #epicfail
After what seems like the longest Bachelorette episode to date, it is time for the rose ceremony. James, Kasey and Chris have roses and are safe. The remaining roses go to Bryden, Juan Pablo, Zak W., Brooks, Drew, Zack, Brad, Michael G. and Mikey T. The final rose goes to Ben.
Upon hearing Ben’s name for the final rose, Brandon looks shocked and confused and is thinking #WTF. Des basically says “It’s not me, it’s you Brandon” and tells him there was no chemistry between them. Brandon says “once again, someone left me.” For Brandon’s sake I hope that security guard Pauly is in the kitchen guarding the knives. Brandon is the male version of the ‘bunny boiler’, and if Des isn’t careful, she will find herself in little pieces in Ziplock bags in Brandon’s basement freezer. Dan is hoping that when he returns to work, he will be put in charge of the Slurpee machine.
Next week- Atlantic City and more Ben drama.