By Lesley Rousso
In episode seven, the Newlyweds are now almost at the one year mark. This is a crazily entertaining episode involving dildos, jacking off, and making out. No, no one is naked.
The episode begins with Tarz and Tina and the sound of an ambulance behind them. Flash to a little later, Tina is sitting in her mother-in-law’s kitchen in Pennsylvania, telling her she had a miscarriage. Tina is obviously upset and her mother-in-law does her best to reassure her everything will be okay. It’s nice to watch because Tina doesn’t have her own mom anymore. Tarz’s mother is very supportive. Tarz is trying to be positive, and while doing so, doesn’t show a lot of emotion. Tina’s super annoyed about his reaction and they argue. Tarz though, doesn’t seem to show emotion about much, a fact Tina knows. Maybe she can wrangle it out somehow. I wish her luck, he’s very passive. Tarz does a complete 180 when they go out to dinner with Tina’s dad and his new girlfriend. Why the emotion you ask? Dad walks in with a 40 something, tall blonde named Heather. Heather is a nurse and mother of four girls. They met at the gym, they say, and immediately begin making out at the table. Tina was horrified, explaining that she had never even seen her parents kiss because Indian culture goes against that. She describes the scene as “extra disgusting” to watch. Tina then orders salmon because it’s “fertility food”. Heather then says she ordered it too because she and Tina’s dad are thinking of having a baby together. WHAT??!! It’s like an episode of the Twilight Zone, truly. It’s so funny in fact, that you feel like Tina’s dad is punking them. Heather tells them they are very immature while slurring, and says they don’t know what it’s like to be parents. Total drunk weirdo, sorry Heather, but it was all very bizarre. Tarz and Tina lay in the glitter bed discussing the night’s events.
Alaska and Kim argue over Kim’s withdrawl of $700.00 out of their joint bank account. Kim freely admits that she spends her money and their money. Alaska’s dad and family are featured on this episode and Alaska reveals how hard his dad was on him growing up. His dad has definitely mellowed and Alaska & Kim have a nice bonding session with him over cooking. The whole family joins together for dinner and they have a great time. Alaska is packing to go back to LA and asks Kim to check him in. He has it all set up already, that when she opens the computer she sees he booked a honeymoon trip to Mexico. It’s really great trip to the Four Seasons and swimming with dolphins. Brownie points Alaska!
Blair and Jeff begin the week apart as Blair is visiting friends in New York. Jeff is really enjoying the absolute quiet. Blair is thrilled to see Jeff when he gets back and wants to show him just how much. Once again, Jeff gives him the brush off telling him he’s tired. Blair responds by telling Jeff he thinks he’s lost his sexual appetite. Jeff then tells Blair, and I quote, “it’s not about age, I’ve been jacking off 2, sometimes 3, times a day”. Hmmm??!! Blair then says that Jeff is “more in love with Pamela and her five sisters than he is with him.” It was a funny scene, continuing with Jeff suggesting they take the truck somewhere and have sex there. To which Blair says that he’s not getting arrested for sodomy in the back of a truck parked next to an oil rig somewhere. Clearly there are some problems with their sex life which I think they both realize. They continue to bicker throughout the episode, mostly about sex and money which seem to be their main issues.
Kathryn and John are now 36 weeks pregnant at eight months of marriage. (?) Glazing over this fact. Anyway, they are at Lamaze and talking about labor and vaginas ripping and perinatal massage. John makes a comment about buying a dildo which clearly doesn’t thrill the rest of the class or instructor. Kathryn is so preggo she says she feel like she’s in a rental suit. Kathryn’s dad offers to finish the basement for them so now John gets to keep his pool table. He’s not the most helpful, which he admits, so he decides to open the car seat. Luckily his charming sister comes over to help. Then neither of them can figure out how to put the infant carseat in. Kathryn and John are trying everything they can to go into labor in the the 5 plus days after her due date. Sex, Chinese food, reflexology. Finally, twelve days past her due date, they leave for the hospital, and the episode ends.
Episode 8, the season finale is up next. Alaska and Kim are honeymooning while Kathryn and John are having, not the easiest labor. Jeff and Blair visit the sex therapist and Tina’s dad informs her he is marrying Nurse Crazypants. That’s quite the way to end the first year of marriage. Will there be a reunion special Andy Cohen? Guess we’ll have to stay tuned…