By Denise Weiss
Soccer in Spain– Acepta Esta Rosa
Welcome to week 6 of what has been the most boring season of The Bachelorette ever. If Des were smart she would demand 25 new guys and a do over.
Des and her merry band of metrosexuals are off to Barcelona, Spain, which according to Des is the perfect place to fall in love- so were Munich and Atlantic City, but we all know how they worked out in the love department.
The guys sit in a semi circle and drink beer while they wait for Chris Harrison to arrive. Brooks looks like something out of the Crayola fall collection in burnt orange pants and a cranberry hoodie. Michael reminds us that Kasey and Drew overheard James and Mikey T. having a private conversation last week during which James said that if he makes it to the top 4, he will have a good shot at being the next Bachelor. The guys are infuriated by James’ statement and are going to out him first chance they get. Chris finally arrives and tells the guys that there will be one group and 2 one on one dates, with roses up for grabs on each. Duh. Oh, and there will be no cocktail party which means they shouldn’t wait until the last minute to make out with Des.
Drew’s One On One
Drew gets the first one on one and is all smiles as he reads the date card- “Let’s build a foundation for love” which means “we have nothing at all planned and are going to walk around Barcelona.” Drew doesn’t waste any time and starts the date with a kiss. Drew and Des admire the beauty of the architecture, order hot chocolates and lick the whipped cream off each other’s faces, then drink from a random spigot in the middle of the street.
Every suitor on The Bachelorette has a sob story, and Drew is no exception. He tells Des that his father is his hero, despite being a recovering alcoholic who can’t park a car while drunk. To make matters worse, his dad also has cancer, but no one knows so shhhhh, don’t tell. Des feels closer to Drew after his admission, probably because he is pretty much sitting in her lap.
The date continues later that night with a romantic dinner for two. Drew is overcome with emotion and drags Des into an alley for some “private” time- as private as you can get with an entire camera crew and lighting department chasing after you. After a pretty intense make out session complete with tongue shots and groping, Drew gets the rose. Shortly thereafter, he gets diarrhea of the mouth and tells Des about the conversation between James and Mikey T. All Des can say is “WOW! Thank You” and a string of bleeped out expletives. All I can say is Drew is a snitch who waited until he got the rose to rat on James. Well played, Drew.
The group date card arrives and Brooks, Chris, Kasey, Michael, James and Juan Pablo will be playing soccer for “Loooooooove.” That means that Zak W. will get the last one on one date. Juan Pablo is disappointed that he didn’t get the one on one date. I can’t really say why he was disappointed because other than something about having a daughter, I don’t understand a word Juan Pablo says.
Drew informs Kasey and Michael that he ratted out James during his date with Des, and Kasey is going to seal the deal on the group date. Michael is wearing his lucky dodgeball headband and looks more feminine than ever.
The guys arrive at the soccer stadium and Des informs them that they will be playing against her and her “team,” which consists of professional women soccer players who are more masculine than the men are.
After the worst 10 minutes of soccer every played, the women win 10-2. Not only is James not there for the right reasons, he is the worst goalie ever. The only good thing that happened to the guys’ team was that Brooks’ hair stayed perfectly coiffed the entire game.
Later that night, the guys head to a cave and take turns making out with Des. Chris is up first, and lucky for us, Des wrote him a poem because no date with Chris would be complete without a poem. According to Chris, the “Chris and Des love scale is rapidly rising.” I don’t even know what that means.
Brooks gets sloppy seconds and spends 6 minutes making out with Des on a couch somewhere in the cave.
Meanwhile, the gossip police a/k/a Kasey and Michael have decided to confront James about the conversation they overheard while they pretended to be asleep. Specifically, in addition to bragging about being the next Bachelor, James allegedly told Mikey T. that he knows lots of tall, rich girls that he can invite to hang out on his boat. If James was smart, at that moment he would have invited the gossip police on the boat trip with him, Mikey T. and the rich ladies of Chicago. Instead, he looks guilty and goes all Jersey Shore Ronnie on them, shaking his fists in the air and yelling “f*** you, f*** you, f***you.” Kasey has a lot of nerve confronting anyone about anything while wearing Mr. Roger’s sweater.
James is not quick on his feet and defends himself by saying “It was Mikey T. not me.” Kasey is no better on the fly, and makes up words like “counter-accusate.” James finally admits to engaging in “guy talk,” but Kasey and Michael don’t realize that real men talk about boats and hoes, not hoodies and cardigans.
Des confronts James and once again, James throws Mikey T. under the boat. This time James also throws his cancer stricken dad under with him, because he “swears on his father’s life” that he never said such vile things. This whole thing is giving James a headache, and he starts to cry like a little girl. The question is whether James is more upset about missing out on being the next Bachelor, or the fact that he is engaged in a fight with a Zak Efron look-alike.
At the end of the night, James cries the entire way back to the hotel and decides he is not going to be friends with the other boys anymore. No one gets the group date rose.
Zak’s One On One
Big Face Zak and Des’ date starts in the streets and ends up in an art studio where they draw pictures of a male model. Boring. Then a really skinny, boney male model comes out, drops his robe and poses naked. As if that wasn’t bad enough, Zak comes out a few minutes later, drops his robe and looks like Howdy Doody in tighty whiteys.
Zak wants the rose and the woman. In that order. He loves her. He feels no hesitation. He tells her she means everything to him. He gets the rose. His mouth and forehead are too big for his face.
Meanwhile, back at the girl scout meeting, James calls Drew out on his role in the he said/he said nonsense because they are in 6th grade and no one can let it go. Instead of denying Drew’s accusations, James tries to defend himself by explaining that he was just thinking about how his life would be if he were to be sent home. Drew ain’t buying it and tells James that there is no reason to even think about any type of life outside of being married to Des. Get a grip Drew.
James makes himself comfy on the couch by squeezing his large self in between Juan Pablo and Michael. He sits there very arrogantly with his arms across his chest until he is finally summoned by Des, who has arrived to once and for all seal James’ fate.
James is feeling much better after a bubble bath and a good night’s sleep, and reassures Des that he is there for the right reasons. Although Des’ initial plan was to send James home immediately, she buys James’ bullshit lines and decides she is going to keep James around a little longer. It seems that having had the entire prior night to rehearse his speech, James managed to sweet talk Des despite the two large breast shaped sweat stains on the front of his purple shirt (clearly the increased amount of estrogen in the room has caused James to start lactating.) If Des had any doubt, the purple shirt, tight jeans and flip flops should have been enough to send James home.
James returns to his rightful place on the coach and folds his arms in victory. Shame on you Des for surviving Tierra the Tierrable, but succumbing to James the Jack-Ass.
Drew and Zak have roses and are safe this week. The remaining roses go to Chris, Brooks and Michael, who at every rose ceremony, looks like he is about to go to the electric chair.
Kasey, James and Juan Pablo are going home. Good riddance to all of them, including Juan Pablo who cries during his exit interview because he actually thought he and Des had a connection.
Next week- Drew cries because he realizes he is gay and misses Kasey.