By Denise Weiss
Please Let This Be The Finish Line
It’s the week before the hometown dates of the most boring season of The Bachelorette, and Des and “The Hoodied Five” travel to Madeira, an island described as a “hidden pearl in the Atlantic” that appears to be overrun with cats. The guys are all falling in love with Des, but she wants to make sure that whoever she brings home to her family has “po-tential.” Des calls upon her BFFs Catherine, Jackie and Lesley M from Sean’s season to come to the island of Madeira to help her weed through the remaining five suitors. I find this strange since a few months ago Des was clinging to Sean’s neck and crying that he was making a huge mistake by sending her home. Now she is taking dating advice from his fiancé. Catherine is as classy as ever and says that Des has “gone through a crazy freaking journey” and then asks Des which guy has the biggest package. In case you were wondering, Chris is apparently hung like a horse.
Chris Harrison must have had something more exciting to do like watch paint dry, and doesn’t bother showing up to tell the guys that there will be three one-on-one dates and one two-on-one.
Brooks’ One on One
Brooks gets the first one on one date which consists of driving up a mountain and into the clouds in a little wind up toy car. Quite a change from the turquoise Bentley they drove around in on their first date. Despite the fact that Des is a horrible driver and can’t stay in one lane, the car doesn’t go any faster that 18 mph and it was a miracle that Des didn’t have to jump out and push the car up the hill while Brooks steered. At one point I thought that Des was going to drive off the side of the cliff, which would have been ok since the car was so small that it could have doubled as a coffin.
Brooks is feeling pensive. I’m feeling annoyed that he used the word pensive. Des and Brooks talk about the English language’s lack of adjectives to describe the feelings between “like” and “love.” Really Brooks- you can’t just say “I really like you?” You have to be a dick and make her play Scrabble? They drive up to the top of the mountain, hold hands, use way too many “cloud 9” metaphors and Des admits that she is falling in love with Brooks.
Over dinner, Brooks cries and tells Des that his last breakup was very hard on his family. I cried too just looking at Brooks in a t-shirt, denim shirt and his grandfather’s cardigan. He says the word “family” about 30 times and finally admits that he would like for her to meet them. Did Brooks actually think that he was going to come all this way and then tell her “Sorry Des, you are just not good enough to meet my family. But thanks for dinner.”
Des tells Brooks that she has come up with some adjectives for falling in love- which is all good except they are not adjectives- rather they are three verbs and a noun- stepping, skipping and running and the finish line of love. Des admits that she is in a full on sprint, but unfortunately for her, Brooks is barely crawling. There will be no declaration of love from Brooks, but there will be cheesy, well timed fireworks for our grammarly challenged couple.
Chris’ One on One
The random coffee table in the hallway is back again, and bears the date card declaring that Chris is the recipient of the next one-on-one date. OK seriously, what is with the coffee table? Can’t one of the producers just slip the date card under the door or knock and hand it to someone? I really don’t understand the stray coffee table in the hallway. Is it the same coffee table every time, or do they have to explain to each hotel manager that they need to borrow a coffee table for a few minutes so that they can deliver a date card? Or do they just drag one from the room that the guys are staying in and avoid the awkward coffee table conversations? Anyway, I digress. Chris is so excited to get the one on one date that after he reads the date card a few times, he smells it. Really. Not sure what kind of smell he was expecting, but I was a little worried that he was going to lick it.
As Chris and Des head out on their date, the remaining 4 guys watch and wave from the balcony. Drew says Chris is a lucky duck, confirming what we have all been wondering for the past few weeks- that Drew is in fact gay, because real men don’t say “lucky duck.” Not that there’s anything wrong with it.
Chris and Des board a yacht, lather each other with sunscreen and admit that they are physically attracted to each other. They picnic in a meadow and Chris believes that this is a memory that only he and Des will share, thus proving that Chris has never watched an episode of The Bachelor/Bachelorette. #BeenThereDoneThatDateAMillionTimes. After a really boring conversation about friends and independence, Chris comes up with a great idea- something so novel that no one saw coming. Wait for it…wait for it…are you ready?? Chris wants to write a poem. Shocking, right! This time, Des and Chris are going to write the poem together, and they are going to put it in a bottle and throw it into the ocean where, if we are lucky, it will sink to the bottom just like this season’s ratings. In the spirit of supporting poetry and Chris’ romantic side, I composed a poem of my own- here goes- “Roses are red, violets are blue, shut the f*** up Chris, you are annoying everyone with your stupid poems.”
Chris is falling for Des and decides he is going to tell her that he loves her. He starts to sweat and gets really nervous, because he doesn’t use the “L” word very often, and takes saying it very seriously. Which is why he decides that it’s appropriate to tell a stranger he has known for a few weeks in front of millions of people that he loves her. Just when we are expecting Chris to look deeply into Des’ eyes and drop the “L” word, he looks down and reads another efffing poem! I don’t know what the poem said because I fast forwarded through the whole thing, but it ends with Chris saying “I love you.” Des thinks that declaration of love was beautiful and couldn’t have been any better. Actually it was really lame and Chris needs to grow a pair and lay off the poetry.
Michael’s One on One
Michael gets the next one-on-one date and walks around town with Des, who for some reason is wearing a full length sweater with a hood. Michael thinks he is on a scavenger hunt for the perfect woman. He carries her purse. Even the Madeira Island cats are bored by Michael.
After trying on jewelry and eating strange fruit, Michael and Des sit by a waterfall and talk. God forbid Des should miss out on an opportunity to make out with someone after eating local produce, so she and Michael kiss for a little while. When they get bored with the kissing, they toboggan down a steep hill. Michael declares that “love is a wild ride”and I found myself hoping that the guys pushing the toboggan would steer it too far to one side, causing it to smash into the cement wall.
At dinner, Michael decides he is going to put it all out there and opens up to Des about his deadbeat dad, his diabetes, his desire that his tombstone read “World’s Greatest Prosecutor” and that he wants be a loving husband. I might have gotten that backwards, but it really doesn’t matter.
Just as Des’ eyes are about to completely glaze over, Michael confesses that his last girlfriend cheated on him. No one cares. He drones on and on about himself and it is clear to everyone else, including the cats, that there is no chemistry between them. Michael should just go back to the hotel and pack his beloved sky blue hoodie.
Drew and Zak Two on One
It’s time for the dreaded two on one date, which involves racing go-karts around a track. As if the go-karts weren’t bad enough, the remainder of the date consisted of a picnic set up on the grass in the middle of the track, decorated with flower pots placed next to old tires! Nothing says romance like the smell of gasoline and burnt rubber.
After Zak wins the race he spends his one on one time with Des showing her drawings of their “journey” together.
Drew spends his alone time with Des lovingly (and sincerely) talking about his mentally handicapped sister. Drew tells Des that he loves her as they sit atop four tires covered with pillows and a blanket. Drew (and his perfectly gelled hair) gets the rose.
Back at the hotel, Chris packs his big clown glasses and everyone gets ready for the rose ceremony.
Chris Harrison finally shows up and Des tells him that she is at the finish line and is in love with Brooks. Does that mean that the season is over and I can have my Monday nights back? No, because Des is falling in love with Chris and is going to keep him on the back burner, just in case Brooks never makes it over the finish line. She mumbles something about her feelings for Zak and Drew, and never even mentions what’s his name.
The rose ceremony is quick and painless- Drew has a rose and will meet Des’ family next week. The remaining roses go to Brooks, Chris and Zak.
Michael is heartbroken, but the producers give him his cell phone so he can call his mommy from the reject SUV.
Next week-hometown dates with Chris’ dad grabbing Des’ ass and the return of Brother Nate!!