By Denise Weiss
It’s week 8 of The Bachelorette which means time for the hometown dates! I’m not sure how they are going to top last week’s “picnic on a go-kart track” date, but hopefully Des’ potential future ex-fiance’s family has something exciting in store for her. The remaining 4 guys are: Chris (I will write another poem for you my dear, I hope the viewers don’t shove a pen in their ear), Brooks (I don’t know the difference between an adjective and a verb). Drew (I may be gay which means I am not here for the right reason, but my hair looks really good) and Zak (I look like Alvin from Alvin and the Chipmunks and am not sure how I managed to stick around for this long).
The first hometown date goes to Zak from Dallas, Texas. Zak tells Des that she is going to meet his crazy family, but first, he bores her to death with the details about a dream he had about her the night before. Des feigns interest, but could care less and can’t follow a word he is saying. I am completely distracted by Zak chewing on a pencil.
Shortly after the dream conversation, Zak runs around the corner and returns in the family snow cone truck. Des is excited to serve snow cones to some kids at a local elementary school, but not as excited as she is when Zak appears in a penguin suit and dances for the kiddies. Des tells the kids that the penguin is her boyfriend. She can totally see herself having a life of goofiness with Zak, which is Des’ attempt to justify keeping Zak around for so long and schlepping to Dallas to meet his “crazy” family.
When they are done scaring the neighborhood children with the creepy dancing penguin schtick, they drive the snow cone truck to Zak’s parent’s house where we meet his very excited mother Maryann, his no name dad, brother Denton and sister Carly.
After a short conversation and an eye roll from Denton about Zak’s shirtless limo entrance, Zak’s family turns into the Partridge Family and sings Des a little ditty, complete with the chorus “Oh Desiree now we can see, your place among our family.” As soon as Carly started singing, Des could barely keep a straight face and deserved an academy award for being able to turn her smirking laughter at the song into tears of joy at their desire to have her join their family.
Although Zak’s family was disappointed when they realized they were not going to be on the next season of American Idol, they all agreed that Zak seemed happy and would welcome Des into their family. Zak tops off the visit by telling Des that he loves her and presenting her with a “promise” ring that he bought in Atlantic City and has been carrying with him in his travels around the world.
Next up is a trip to Scottsdale, Arizona where Drew, who looks like Malibu Ken in a pink button down, admits that he has fallen in love with Des and is excited to introduce her to his family. Drew tells Des that before they meet his mom, dad, sisters, brother, niece and nephew, they will be picking up his severely mentally handicapped sister Melissa from her group home. Melissa is happy to see them, and in that instant Drew becomes America’s favorite brother.
Drew has fallen in love with Des, but admits that he hasn’t said the 3 words in that order. I guess he has said “You love I” and “Love You I” and “I You Love,” but is finally ready for “I love you.” His family says they have never seen him this way- meaning with a girl I guess.
Meanwhile, Drew’s dad, who is wearing a pink and white checkered shirt, asks Des if she believes in angels and if she has ever met one? He goes on to explain that Melissa is their angel and that Drew wanted her to know that. Very sweet.
Drew and his mom talk about how he is ready to propose. Drew’s mom rubs his hands as they speak, which is a little unsettling. Dad in the pink and white checkered shirt says “if you want to marry this girl I will throw a party.” Um, hello Dad, it’s called a wedding.
Drew knows it’s time to put the 3 words in the right order and doesn’t waste any time blurting it out in the driveway. Drew is overwhelmed by love and says that he will be an engaged man the next time he sees his family; despite the promos of him leaving next week.
We now head to McMinnville, Oregon to meet Chris and his family. Chris is excited to show Des where he learned how to play soccer and baseball and write crappy poems. Chris picked Des some weeds right out of the ground before she arrived, and they walk to his old little league field. He played professional baseball so what is more appropriate than having a catch with the girl you love?
After Des shows Chris that she can catch and bat, she steals an idea out of Zak’s playbook and pulls out a sketch pad with pictures that she drew which represented all of her and Chris’ dates. They sit on the field of dreams, talk and kiss.
Des and Chris head to his parent’s house where they have dinner with his mom, dad, sisters, brother and lots of other “quirky” family members. The quirkiest of all was his dad George, a chiropractor, who took Des down to his basement, bent her over a chiropractic table and insisted upon giving her a full adjustment/massage to align her after all she has been through. What girl doesn’t love being ass up over a table while her potential future ex-fiance’s dad cops a feel? As if that weren’t bad enough, Chris then goes down to the basement where his dad gives him some kind of nose adjustment with a balloon and a syringe! This nose adjustment, which I have NEVER heard of, nor has my chiropractor EVER heard of (I called and asked him) involved George stuffing things up Chris’ nose and sucking out nasal secretions. And just in case the nose sucking thing wasn’t bad enough, crazy Dr. Chiro kept telling Chris to “blow” which would cause snot to fly all over his face. Was it really necessary for Chris to get his nose sucked in front of millions of people? The highlight of the nasal adjustment was when Chris sat up and vigorously blew his nose into a tissue on national television. Disgusting.
Chris’ family gives Des their seal of approval, mostly because everyone including Grandma hated the ex-girlfriend. Fortunately the date ended before George decided someone needed an enema.
The last hometown date is with Brooks in Salt Lake City, Utah.
Des admits to being in love with Brooks, but Brooks is still unsure. When they see each other, they engage in the list of adjectives which are really verbs that they set out last week– she skips, he runs, she jumps, he hugs. They kiss. Des is convinced that Brooks is holding back his feelings like she did last season with Sean. If memory serves, Sean sent you home Des, and you did not hold back any feelings!
After spending some time on a canoe and comparing themselves to a couple of ducks swimming on the lake, Des finally meets Brooks’ family which is so big that they wear name tags like the Romneys at the National Republican Convention.
Brooks talks to his mom about Des. Then he talks to his brothers who remind me of the Osmonds. Then he talks to his sister who looks a lot like Des will in 20 years. At the end of the night, after Brooks gets everyone’s approval, he sends Des on her way without telling her he loves her.
Des is back in LA and says that she needs to talk to one more person before the rose ceremony. Yes, Brother Nate has managed to stay out of jail since Sean’s season and he is back! For those of you who didn’t watch Sean’s season, or have forgotten how Brother Nate ruined Des’ hometown date with Sean, here is my recap from that episode last season-
Just as the hometown date is going smoothly, Brother Nathan rears his ugly head and decides this whole thing just ain’t right. As the happy “family” sits down for dinner, Nate asks Sean “yo buddy, can I holla at you real fast.” Fortunately Sean speaks gang yard prison and realizes this means “can I have a minute outside with you so we can talk in private.” Nate starts the “hollaing” by telling Sean that it is clear to him that Des is really into him, and that Sean is not “reciprocating.” He uses the word reciprocate 3 times to show Sean he is no dummy. I think he gave himself an aneurysm on the last one. Sean promises Nate that he is crazy about Des. There’s that word again. Nate isn’t buying it, and neither am I because at my count, Sean is crazy about 4 girls in 4 states. Brother Nate calls Sean a playboy and Sean is offended! Man whore probably would have been more accurate and less offensive to Sean’s character and integrity. When Sean and Nate return to the table, everyone is scared of what Nate might have said to Sean. They all had the look of “what have you done this time” on their faces. I’m sure that Nate’s parents got lots of phone calls from principals and police officers through the years. Or at least they would have, if they had a phone in their tent. Des can blame Brother Nate all she wants, but she was doomed the minute she told Sean that she had lived in a tent for months. I bet once dinner was over, Brother Nate grabbed his steak knife, put it in the front of his pants and was happily on his way to meet with his parole officer.
Des hasn’t seen Brother Nate since, and is not really happy to see him now. He tells her that he is only looking out for her best interests and would like to meet the guys. She says NO WAY! Instead, she tells him that Zak is adventurous, Drew is sweet and kind, Chris is athletic, active, good and humble, and Brooks is funny, quirky and they get each other (which is what exactly what Sean said about Catherine last season).
Des pretty much tells Brother Nate “thanks for coming, now get out.” Nate is not convinced that she won’t have her heart broken again.
Before the rose ceremony, Des and Chris Harrison sit down for a chat, during which she again admits that she loves Brooks. She further admits that although Brooks hasn’t said I love you to her, she knows he does because she can feel it. At the end of their conversation, Des firmly states that she wants to marry Brooks. Does that mean we can wrap it up already? No, because she is going to keep Chris on the back burner, just in case.
As she is walking towards the rose ceremony, Des says “there is nothing holding me back from meeting my husband”- except for Brother Nate who is hiding behind a column in the hotel lobby and is probably violating his parole.
Finally, the moment we have all been waiting for- so we can change the channel and watch something worthwhile like an Emergency Broadcast Signal– time for the rose ceremony.
Roses go to Brooks, Chris and the last rose goes to… Drew. Which we all knew since we have seen him in lots of promos for next week’s episode.
Zak is crushed and puffs out his cheeks, which makes him look like an angry chipmunk. He is shocked. Des cries and stutters as she tries to tell him why she is sending him home. Let me help you out here Des- I think the words you are looking for are “I’m just not that into you Zak.” She gives him back the ring and Zak gets in the reject limo and puffs out his cheeks some more. He is trying to figure out what happened. You got dumped dude. That’s what happened plain and simple.
Zak says he is going home to a dark place where he can’t find love, and doesn’t want to go back to his lonely life back home. Really Zak- were you that pathetic BEFORE the show, because you look really pathetic now. In the most dramatic ring toss in Bachelorette history- Zak throws the Atlantic City promise ring out the window. It sounded like tin when it hit the sidewalk and probably would have turned her finger green.
Zak is heartbroken, but he will soon realize that he dodged a bullet- straight from Brother Nate and aimed at his big melon shaped head.
Next week- the men tell all!