By Lesley Rousso
Well what do you know, we are back in the 305 for a third season of the Real Housewives of Miami and only five of the ladies are official housewives this season. Alexia Echevarria is back with a bigger role and a cheesy tagline, “This Cuban doll is back on the scene and living the dream“. Lisa Hochstein follows with “Everyone loves to underestimate me and I love to prove everyone wrong”. Adriana De Moura is third in the credits declaring, “Some people say that I have secrets, but I am full of surprises.” (You are hearing their voices as you read, admit it.) My favorite is Joanna Krupa’s , “Don’t hate me because I have it all, hate me because I’m beautiful“. You can’t argue there. Last but certainly not least we have Lea Black letting us know that “ I live my life like everything matters, because it does“. That people, is your RHOM fab five. Marysol Patton and Ana Quincoces have been knocked to recurring status.
The show opens with to die for views from our fair city, honestly ones I take for granted, and Joanna hopping off of a private jet and into Lea’s chauffered Mercedes. The girls chat about Joanna’s upcomong wedding to Romain. In the commentary Joanna compares herself to Lea, 30 years ago. They’re both hard-working and driven, yada, yada, yada. I’m not sure if Lea did a little nipping and tucking or it’s her new skincare line, but she looks amazing! Joanna brings up a recent Miami Herald article, which shows a copy of Adri’s marriage license to Frederic. It’s dated 2008, five years ago. In Lea’s commentary she tells us she is shocked by this and feels betrayed by Adri. After all, she thinks she was helping a single mother, not someone who had been married all this time. Her words boys and girls, not mine. Lea also is devastated that Adri didn’t defend her at the reunion when Ana attacked her. A very Telenovela-esque segue then appears on the screen. Some of the other girls, getting dressed set to Latin music. Really, it’s all very odd! Lea and Joanna meanwhile, end their ride at the car delearship where Romain is waiting with a brand new Jaguar for his bride-to-be.
A few more staged posed scenes later, as the sun is setting over the beach, Alexia, Lisa, Ana and Marysol arrive for the Bridal Expo at Miami Fashion Week. They walk in like a Latin (and Lisa) version of Charlies Angels. As they sit down to wait for Adri, Lisa tells us in her commentary that the other three women are like a gang and that it must be a Latin thing. Yep, it’s also a Jewish thing and a waspy thing, you get the idea. Lisa asks the other girls what they think of the recent news regarding Adri’s marriage to Frederic. They play kind of dumb and then Alexia says she’s not surprised because that happens all the time here in Miami. I guess things are a little different in my crowd. Lisa and Ana get into a little spat after Lisa tells the girls why Lea feels betrayed by Adri. Ana responds by telling Lisa “I’m trying to make a point for you, try to keep up!” Lisa in her commentary then tells us that Adri and Frederic were the only cast members who showed up for her 30th birthday party, even though they were all in town, which says a lot.
Adri arrives and Lisa gets right to the point, telling her she needs to explain the whole marriage issue so that people don’t think she’s disingenuine. Flash back to one week previously as Adri and Frederic arrive at the boat. Adri tells us that she’s technically married but not really because there was never a religious ceremony. Her son Alex was only nine at the time and was freaking out about the two marrying. So, after all the paperwork had been filed, Frederic called off the wedding at the last minute. The two argue at the boat about Frederic “putting her in a position that they had to marry quickly”. Note to self, check citizenship status of both. Adri also tells us she really does not want to move onto the boat. No worries girl, they have a looooong way to go before that barge is livable.
Alexia is riding in the car with Frankie, her son that was involved in the terrible car accident. Alexia tells us his recovery has been remarkable but slow. We meet Alexia’s Cuban mother in this episode, who I tell you, could give Mama Elsa a run for her money. She’s a psychiatrist and has been helping Alexia deal with her older son Peter, who has recently been getting into a lot of trouble.
Lea is in the throws of redoing her house, which definitely needs the update. She meets with her decorators, and shows them all the artwork she has purchased from friends over the years who “just needed the money”. Yes, she’s talking about Adri, whom she bought eight to ten paintings from. I don’t see the fault there, she was just trying to help. Man does she have a lot of “stuff”. It’s like Hoarders, the luxury edition.
Lisa decides to invite the girls over, minus Ana, to try to get everyone to make amends. Yes, because this has worked so well in the past. Not! Lisa lets us know that she and Lenny are still trying to have a baby and are thinking about using a surrogate after her many misscarriages. Marysol & Joanna arrive and Joanna proceeds to tell the girls that she and Romain have not had sex in a month or two. Really? Lisa in her commentary tells us, “They’re both such perfect specimens, you’d think they were banging like rabbits.” Right? Adriana, on her way over, tells us she is literally scared to see Lea. No problem Adri, because Lea ends up cancelling. In a nutshell, they all argue back and forth, accusing Lea of being a liar. Apparently all the girls, except Lisa and Joanna have major issues with Lea this season. Marysol gives them a “silencio” and tells them her mother isn’t doing well. She’s had a head injury and it is taking her a while to recover. Poor Mama Elsa.
They share a toast on Lisa’s gorgeous patio and the episode ends. What will the season hold for the ladies? Lots of partying, lots of crying, and lots of cat-fighting , this is after all, Miami! Miami is a very dramatic place, especially when set to Latin music. Bienvenido a Miami!