By Lesley Rousso
Let me start off by telling you how excited I am to be recapping my favorite of all the Housewives franchises. Episode six begins with Brandi Glanville chatting and drinking (of course) with her girlfriends in the living room of her new home. She explains to them that she’s called them there to research her new book which is mainly about sex. The first question she asks them is, what gets them off. Now THAT, my friends, is a true “Brandi” question. They discuss nipples and oral and “the two finger trick”. This charming conversation ends with Brandi telling her friends that they should ask their boyfriends to choke them, right before they finish. I’m not touching that one with a ten foot pole. Brandi explains that these are her real friends and they accept her, no matter what. They must be, because there is a whole lot to accept when it comes to Brandi.
We move on to Joyce Giraud who is packing for her two-day Palm Springs trip with her stylist. To each her own, but really, a stylist for two lousy days? Her closet is to die for. Of course in my humble opinion, nothing rivals Lisa Vanderpump‘s, the old one and the new. Joyce is a super girly girl. She tells us that she remembers going to the mall with twenty dollars and being so excited. Twenty bucks? Seriously? What mall was she shopping at? Even in the old days my Guess Jeans were still eighty dollars! She tells us that she loves to do makeovers on her friends and go shopping. Poor thing, she only has boys. Someone buy this girl some Barbie dolls.
The Richards sisters, Kyle and Kim, separately shop. Kim is at a travel store having a great time with daughter Kimberly while Kyle is at a clothing store having a not so great time with Carlton Gebbia. At first I thought it might be the huge, ugly pendant she was wearing that was bringing her down. Then I realized that it must suck to shop with someone who hates you. The owner of the store keeps telling Kyle how great she looks, yada yada, and Carlton is just rolling her eyes, trying to contain her laughter. I don’t know what it is, but our resident witch just cannot stand Kyle. Kyle apologizes for Carlton getting caught in the crossfire of the fight that occurred at the end of last week’s episode. Carlton tells us that she doesn’t think Kyle is sincere. Then she proceeds to tell Kyle everything that has pissed her off since episode one. Carlton certainly has been keeping track because it is a massive laundry list of complaints. Kyle tries to apologize but I really don’t think Carlton cares. I see that a lot of my fellow tweeps feel similarly about Kyle. I have a love/hate viewer relationship with her. Love her hair, hate that awful pendant. Anyway the two seem to make up somewhat and agree that it’s a clean slate now.
Joyce arrives at Kyle’s to pick up Kyle and Kim for Palm Springs. Kim has four suitcases for two days and a juicer. Yes, a juicer. You know what, who can blame her? If the poor girl can’t have a drink , especially with that group, let her have her juice. Next, we flash to Brandi and Yolanda Foster in their limo headed to the Springs. Yolanda tells Brandi that the first time she ever did the master cleanse was in Palm Springs. Brandi tells Yolanda the first time she ever did cocaine was in Palm Springs. Yolanda looks at Brandi, shocked, and Brandi laughs and says “I’m kidding, that was San Francisco”. Carlton and Lisa head there together and discuss the other girls. Brandi tells Yolanda that her plan is to just kill Joyce with kindness. Hmm, not to give anything away yet, but I think that plan flies out the window with Brandi’s first cocktail.
Joyce and her crew arrive first to a beautiful estate called Colony 29. The concierge shows them their separate houses, a safe bet considering this group. Lisa and Carlton arrive next and of course the fight for rooms has begun. Lisa tells us “I was born at night, but not last night, I’m probably in the shed.” Oh how I love Lisa. Brandi and Yolanda get there last and they divvy up the rest of the rooms. Brandi and Carlton get last choice, sharing the smallest room and Lisa and Yolanda end up a million miles away hauling their luggage in the stifling heat.
They head out to the pool, in heels, for some relaxation, or at least an attempt at some. Brandi asks “Jacqueline” if there’s a waiter with drinks. Seems like Brandi thinks she’s suddenly on another Housewives franchise. Joyce answers, “It’s Joyce, but I do like that name.” Mistake number one. Anyone else having Deja Vu of Kim and Dana Wilkey? Brandi tells us that when she hears the name Joyce, she thinks of a grandma or an old chubby Mrs. Claus. Brandi again asks for drinks and her and Jacqueline/Joyce head to the kitchen. Brandi continues calling Joyce, Jacqueline, which is not sitting well with her. They end up finding wine only, weird, and they bring it back to the pool.
The girls then start to undress, Joyce first revealing her teeny gold bikini. Kim then tells us, in her best Kim voice, “Who wants to take off my wrap now when Bo Derek’s lying next to me?”. Couldn’t think of anyone a little bit more current Kim? Brandi reveals her Jesus bikini, yes Jesus, and gets in the pool. Carlton joins her wearing a bikini that I own! Wish my boobs looked that good in it. Carlton shows them her “fuck you” on a cross tattoo, which she says is saying fuck you to inner demons and to everyone that has the evil eye on her. They then move on to her pentagram ink and she explains that it is a symbol of Wicca and that she believes that women could rule the world if they’s just get out of their own way. That doesn’t go over big with Joyce especially so Brandi breaks the ice by telling them that she and Carlton had a “friendship kiss” the other day. Again, not getting rave reviews here as the other girls reveal that they’ve never really kissed another girl. Well, Brandi does and likes it and shows them by kissing Carlton again. I suspect though that it was a much tamer version of what occurred previously.
The girls start to pressure Jacqueline/Joyce about getting in the pool considering it’s her pool party. She says she’s very relaxed, no need to get in. They really start to go at her for not getting in especially Yolanda and Brandi, and Kyle chimes in with “I think we’re too old for peer pressure”. This comment of course infuriates Carlton who tells Kyle “this is not bloody peer pressure”. I think Kyle could say the sky is blue and Carlton would get infuriated. Yolanda gets in the pool and makes a crack about teaching the hostess how to swim and Joyce reveals that she cannot swim. Okay, hence the reason she didn’t want to get in but, didn’t she grow up in Puerto Rico? How do you live on a Caribbean island and not know how to swim? Brandi blurts out “you’re a black person.” Joyce shoots her daggers, and Carlton smirks, why doesn’t this bloody offend her? Brandi is all, “What’s the problem? None of my black friends swim, they don’t want to get their weave wet.” Classy.
That night they meet for dinner. Joyce has hired a private chef to come and cook. They sit and things just go downhill from there. Brandi continues to call Joyce the wrong name and Joyce tells us how she was bullied as a child for having the name Joyce. Now we all know how many a housewife hates the misuse of the word bully. I have to say I agree with Brandi here, teasing someone about their name is not being bullied, it’s being teased. Get over it. Lisa and Jacqueline/Joyce than have an argument about it and of course Kyle butts in and defends, guess who? Joyce. Then J/J tells the ladies she has something to share. Brandi slurs, “Jacqueline has something to share with us.” Joyce says “I will not acknowledge you when you call me Jacqueline.” Everyone cringes, because they know, as Kyle explains to us, that Brandi is headed to the dark side. Meanwhile Joyce tells them she has a lead in a new show about Siberia. They totally ignore her. Hey Carlton, why isn’t this “bloody rude”? So Kyle listens to her as a very tipsy Brandi again calls her Jacqueline and blurts out “She doesn’t look like a Joyce, Joyce is a big fat pig.” Lisa of course just starts giggling, Kyle defends the name Joyce, Brandi drops an f bomb and J/J tries to act like a lady.
Yolanda starts up with Kyle next, asking if there’s a problem because she saw her shake her head. Carlton, who has remained quiet during this whole barrage of crap, chimes in with “You did, she saw it too.” I love it. The two still haven’t resolved the reunion argument where they called each other liars. They half try to agree to disagree but it ends in a fight about Kyle interrupting Yolanda when she’s speaking. All I wanted to see at this point was Carlton’s face. The episode ends with everyone bickering and Brandi cursing.
Next week: The argument at the table drags on, Brandi continues her bender, Kyle gets attacked by a squirrel (which I just know Carlton arranged), Kim prays to a garbage can, Brandi and Carlton flirt with each other and Brandi’s house gets broken into. Stay tuned…