RHOBH Episode 7: Escape to Bitch Mountain

After this episode Brandi isn't looking so good. Credit:Bravotv.com

After this episode Brandi isn’t looking so good. Credit:Bravotv.com

By Lesley Rousso

The episode begins at the dinner table, the argument between Kyle and Yolanda still going strong. A very drunken Brandi tells Kyle that she tries to come across a nice sweet girl and then turns into a “crazy asshole”.  Lisa steps in and tells Brandi to stop, which I commend her for, because Kyle never sticks up for her.  Kyle asks Brandi when she’s been a “crazy asshole” to her and Brandi tells her, “tonight because if you come after Yolanda, you come after me.”  At this point, everyone just needs to pay no attention to anything Brandi is saying.  She is completely hammered and making zero sense.

Kyle asks Yolanda if they can just agree to disagree. Yolanda says yes, because Kyle has much bigger fish to fry, with the tabloids and reports of Mauricio‘s cheating.  Yolanda excuses herself and Brandi continues slurring insults until Kyle leaves the table.  Kyle is crying and Yolanda comforts her.  Kim steps in to see if her sister is okay, followed by Lisa.  Suddenly out of nowhere, Kim flips a switch and says Lisa’s been telling her what to do all day.  Is it me or does Kim always create a side fight with someone else while the main drama is going on? Kim comes back to the table and asks Yolanda if they can start over.  Yolanda forgives, but tells us she won’t forget.  Lisa returns, Kim apologizes for snapping, and it’s done.

Brandi, drunker by the second, proceeds to tell everyone at the table how sexy she thinks Carlton is and that they’re sharing a room tonight so…Carlton and Yolanda walk Brandi toward her room.  She can barely stand at this point and how she manages to still be in her heels is beyond me.  We’ve all had those moments.  I get nauseous watching her because you just know her head is going to be in a toilet sooner than later.  It is only 8:30 but I think she’s hit her limit already.

Over at the pool, Kyle and Joyce take a dip and back in the room, Brandi tries to come on to Carlton, who’s really having none of it.  A very glassy-eyed Brandi tells Carlton she’s going to molest her and Carlton tells her to go to bed.  Kyle removes her top in the pool but not her earrings, which are the size of her head.  Jaqueline/Joyce is actually in the pool, glad it’s on film so she can prove to Brandi she went swimming.  Brandi really puts the moves on and Carlton laughs and they walk downstairs to the kitchen.  Well, I think Carlton was trying to get away from Brandi, and she just followed.  The two clearly turn each other on but I get the feeling Carlton likes to keep certain things hush-hush.  Back at the pool, even though Kyle is topless and J/J is very pretty, there’s not a shred of sexiness going on.  I think it’s the earrings.  Could be the complaining too as the ladies start discussing what happened at dinner.  Kim comes out in jammies and her CVS slippers and Brandi and Carlton head to Lisa’s room.

Yolanda and Lisa, in nightgowns and sneakers, jump out and surprise Brandi and Carlton and god help them all, Brandi is swigging straight from a bottle of wine.  Lisa takes it away from her which Yolanda tells us is stupid saying Brandi can make her own decisions.  If anything Lisa may have saved her from alcohol poisoning. Lisa said that she and Yolanda were coming to spy on them.  Brandi slurs to Lisa that she doesn’t want her to strategize anymore.  Everyone is speechless and Yolanda tells us that Brandi thinks Lisa tries to do things to create certain situations and opportunities.  The whole scene is very uncomfortable.

Morning mercifully arrives and the girls meet up in the kitchen.  Brandi is hung over obviously and Yolanda tells her she’s leaving early for a charity event.  Lisa arrives and says she apologizes but she’s like Brandi’s mother and it’s because she cares that she tells her off.  Brandi says the next time she needs to roofie them.

The ladies hop on the bus and head over to the gondola where J/J has arranged a lunch on top of the mountain.  Of course most of them are afraid of heights and they freak out.  They get on and Kim says, “look it’s Witch Mountain”.  Our resident witch says, “I remember that movie!”.  Kyle points to Kim and says “she was in it”.  Carlton says “You were in it?”  Kim tells her she played Tia and Carlton is actually appears a bit star struck.  Honestly I love that movie, my kids and I watch it all the time.  Ask any of them what a “Starcase” is and they can tell you.

The gondola lifts off and Brandi wants to vomit, likely it’s all that Pinot Grigio churning in her tummy and not the gondola.  They arrive on the mountain top and it is really beautiful.  Flash to a big sign saying, please do not feed the wildlife as Carlton is feeding a squirrel and Kim is snapping a photo.  She is letting this rat just take food from her hand.  Is she aware that they’re rabid?  Carlton then actually starts petting the rat.  To each her own, she’s one with nature, our favorite witch.

The ladies sit down at a picnic table to eat lunch and the squirrels begin attacking Kyle, who ends up sitting on top of the table.  I can’t say I blame her, they are rats, just with a better tail.  Kim apologizes again to Lisa, explaining that her kids are leaving and she’s been feeling stressed out.  The ladies continue to eat and Kyle get’s attacked by the squirrel again.  Yolanda announces that she’s having a dinner party next week and invites all of them, because last night’s just wasn’t dramatic enough.  Kim prays to the garbage can and they all ask her why but get no explanation.  Yolanda and Lisa depart and the others head back to the house.

Carlton asks Brandi if they can talk and tells her she has no problem with what happened in the hot tub, that it was a harmless, bloody kiss.  She goes on to tell her that she felt sideswiped though when Brandi mentioned it to the other girls.  Carlton lets us know that she makes no apologies for her behavior but says that she should be the one to decide if she wants to share it with the others.  Brandi says she’s very sorry and I think Carlton may be a little more careful with what she tells or does with Brandi from now on.

In the kitchen J/J and Kyle begin to prep dinner for Brandi, who is cooking it for them.  They’re all getting along nicely and sit down at the table to eat.  Kyle tells us that all of a sudden the girls are happy and laughing together, having dinner, and then says hmm.  Once again Lisa is thrown under the bus.  Newsflash, the reason you’re getting along is because Brandi is mostly sober, not because Lisa isn’t there.  Kyle even points out to the other ladies how calm it is.   Dinner continues uneventfully, until Brandi gets up to call her kids.  She receives a text saying “the cops just left”.  She calls her assistant who tells her that her house was broken into and they can’t find Chica, one of her dogs.  Rightfully, Brandi becomes hysterical, and has to leave.  The episode ends.

Next week: Carlton and her nanny play with sex toys, Kingsley goes away for a week of doggie boot camp, Lisa Directs traffic (?),  Yolanda’s dinner party begins and once again Brandi drinks and starts ragging on J/J.  Stay tuned…

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About mommyrou

I am a Miami raised wife and mom of three. Actually six if you count my 3 dogs. I have always been a TV junkie and I'm not embarrassed to admit it!

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