By Lesley Rousso
Episode nine starts with Carlton, husband David and mother-in-law Gloria paying a visit to Hustler Hollywood. Gloria learns some valuable things at the store, like what DTF means. If you’re unsure, Google it. Carlton tries on bikinis for mother and son and even gives Gloria a little lap dance. Sounds weird? Well it was, but it was also a little endearing. Carlton explains that she wasn’t really Gloria’s cup of tea in the beginning, but hopes that she has brought her some joy for making her son so happy. Again I tell you, that while you may have your doubts about Carlton, she is who she is. I don’t think there’s a phony bone in her banging body. Back at her house later Carlton and Elizy meet with the contractor for her “playroom”. Most people I know have a fun drawer, not a contractor! Hey, whatever floats your boat, she is building a stage after all. She tells us that when she first met David it was all handcuffs and falling down the stairs naked (?) and she wants a room where she can recapture that. I don’t know about her kids but mine are nosy yentas (yiddish for gossips) and would have to know what was in the locked room.
Over at Yolanda‘s, she prepares for an anniversary date with husband David. Unfortunately she has woken up with three giant zits and calls Brandi for help. Brandi tells her to put a drop of Visine on them which will “get the red out”. I am totally trying this the next time I have a pimple. Yolanda meets David for dinner at Nobu in Malibu, successfully covering her zits up. David presents Yolanda with a love letter, apparently her requirement for anniversaries. David explains that he writes the music, not the words so it’s hard for him. Yolanda says, don’t buy me diamonds, write me love letters. He writes her a beautiful letter and she presents him with a book titled “For Your Eyes Only”. The book is filled with gorgeous naked pictures of her. She tells us that a psychic told her that she wouldn’t find her true love until she was forty-two, which is when she met David. They’ve been married seven years, so you do the math. This woman is phenomenal looking. I can only hope I look half as good then. They are really cute together.
Lisa cuts roses in the yard and chats with Ken about Brandi. Lisa thinks Brandi is mad at her for constantly telling her not to drink so much and not to swear, etc. Lisa says there is no upside for her telling Brandi what to do and that she just ends up looking like a nag. They go on to discuss having a dinner in the garden at Sur and invite Joyce and Brandi, along with Mohamed and Martin who know Joyce.
Kim is coping with Kingsley being gone and sits down with son Chad to watch a video the trainer has sent. He’s been gone for a week now and seems to be much more well-adjusted, especially with the other dogs. Kim admits though that she likes babying Kingsley especially since she’s dealing with the kids all going off in separate directions.
Over at Kyle‘s clothing store, she has her daughters trying on dresses for a fashion show she is putting on to raise money for the Children’s Hospital. Joyce arrives with the reigning Queen of the Universe Yvette to try on dresses and seconds later, so does Brandi. Brandi walks in with her friends, including Jen, who Joyce introduces herself to. Jen responds in Espanol, which pisses Brandi off. Brandi blames Joyce saying it’s bitchy to speak Spanish to her best friend right in front of her. It’s actually Jen who started it though. Anyway, they all start trying on dresses for the show, and I’ll use that word loosely. There’s no runway or anything, they’re basically just going to be walking around the store. Brandi and Joyce try on dresses and because they’re so skinny, everything is big on them, including the double zeroes. Kyle is annoyed by this and says that in Beverly Hills, her being a size four, makes her a plus size model. I’m not touching this one, you draw your own conclusions on what you think I think about that comment. I’m following the golden rule.
Meanwhile at the race track, Kim does a ride along with a driver which she really enjoys. She tells us that, and I quote “My grandma used to take me to work in Hollywood and she couldn’t see anymore, so she taught me to drive. So, by twelve, my grandma was having me drive her car.” Allrighty then Kim.
At Sur, Lisa, Ken and the Pump Rules cast, umm, staff prepare for the dinner Lisa is giving in the garden. Lisa greets Martin and fills him in on her past issues with Joyce and that they didn’t get off to a very good start. Brandi arrives first and Lisa tells her that Joyce is also invited. Brandi is less than thrilled. Yolanda arrives in the garden next, followed by Mohammed and Shiva, his fiancée. They all toast and Lisa wonders where Joyce is. She and her “baby” are now half an hour late. Rude, rude, rude. Brandi explains to Martin why she doesn’t like Joyce, saying Joyce likes to stir the pot and one up everyone. They finally arrive, it’s very awkward and they all greet each other and sit down.
The best part of the whole thing is watching Stassi and Katie take their orders and have to accommodate all their crazy requests. The dinner goes on quite uneventfully for about three minutes and then all hell breaks loose. Joyce and Michael say that the girls are not the easiest group. It’s a fair statement, though why it’s necessary to bring it up at Lisa’s dinner that she invited you to is beyond me. Maybe Brandi is on to something. Yolanda, much to Mohammed’s amusement presses Michael for the reason why they have that opinion but he doesn’t want to elaborate. Mohammed then sticks up for Lisa, Kyle take note, saying what a wonderful person she is. Michael goes on to say that if someone has a problem with his wife, they have a problem with him. Dun dun dunnnnn! Yolanda tells him that sometimes the ladies need to work it out for themselves and the men shouldn’t get involved. In my experience most husbands, especially mine, would pay me not to have to get involved in girl drama.
Brandi tells Joyce they have mutual friends that don’t speak highly of her. Bam! The look on Lisa’s face is priceless. Joyce fires back that they don’t speak highly of Brandi either. Lisa tries to intervene but then Brandi calls Joyce stupid, Joyce calls Brandi a racist and Jax, Katie, Arianna and Tom crack up in the background. They insult each other back and forth and then Michael asks why Brandi is bringing all this up. Hmm, that’s funny considering they were the ones who started it with the comments about the girls. Michael asks Brandi what planet she lives on, she says Earth and he tells her she lives on planet trash. Poor Ken is all, let it go and at least enjoy the food. Brandi accuses Joyce of being a one upper, Joyce tries to respond, but Lisa cuts her off. Michael tells Brandi, “Listen, I don’t want to take you down.” Brandi responds with, “Bring it bitch!”. Guess Lisa picked the wrong day to stop telling Brandi what to do. Brandi drops the f bomb several times. Yolanda says this whole thing is petty and Michael says he can’t just sit here and be quiet. They then have a tiff about the whole dream team thing. Joyce tells Brandi to stop acting like a bimbo, Brandi tells Joyce to go fuck herself. Joyce calls Brandi trash, Michael says he wishes he didn’t have to live on the same planet with her and Brandi tells him to go back to where the fuck he came from.
Next week: The argument rolls on, Brandi has a complete breakdown and Yolanda gives her some advice, Carlton gets another tattoo, Kyle’s fashion show goes on and Joyce and Lisa have a sitdown. Stay tuned…