By Denise Weiss
I JUANT YOU TO JUANT ME
Before we discuss what is so very wrong with tonight’s episode, I would like to address el elefante in the room. Juan Pablo recently made some comments concerning the possibility of a gay Bachelor. We at TBB do not share in or condone his opinions. Juan Pablo Galavis has apologized for his statements, explaining that his words were misconstrued because of a “language barrier”. Good try Juan Pablo, but we heard you loud and clear. Now that I got that off my chest, be warned Juan Pablo, you are now fair game:
First Juan on One Date
Welcome to Episode 3 of Juan Pablo’s adventura! Chris Harrison arrives at the mansion wearing a really ugly two tone blue shirt and announces that the first one on one date entitled “Love Is A Wild Ride” will go to 21 year old, single mom with a long neck, former NBA dancer Cassandra.
Juan Pablo arrives at the mansion in an open top converted Jeep like vehicle and Cassandra bounces out of the mansion in an orange romper that she borrowed from Cameeeelllla. She jumps in the Jeep and says that no less than 4 times that she hasn’t had a first date since she was 18. That is probably because she was pregnant when she was 18. As they drive along, Cassandra squeals, claps her hands, raises her arms and yells “wheeee” and Juan Pablo thinks it’s his regular Friday visit with Cameeeeeelllla. Cassandra was not properly buckled into her car seat either.
As they drive towards the water, Juan Pablo does his best 007 impression and drives the Jeep INTO the water. Wouldn’t you know it, the car turns into a speed boat and Juan Pablo and Cassandra zip across the water in the Jeep/boat thing. When a boat full of people ask Juan Pablo how fast it can go, he replies “very fast” but what he really meant was “fast enough to get away from the angry homosexuals who want me dead.”
They pull the Jeep/boat thing up to a waiting yacht, board the yacht, then jump off the yacht while holding hands. YAWN!
Back at the mansion, Renee has forgotten that this is a competition and is holding therapy sessions for all the other women who are totally stressed out that Juan Pablo is dating other people. Her most promising client is Elise who tells Renee that her mother’s dying wish was to see her daughter as a contestant on The Bachelor. Someone please get a straight jacket and a net because Elise is seriously disturbed and Renee is in way over her head.
Night falls on Cassandra and Juan Pablo’s date, and our lovebirds find themselves back at his place cooking dinner (Abuela y Abuelo have taken Cameeeeeelllla out for the night). Juan Pablo drinks water while Cassandra drinks wine, which may actually be her first legal drink. They salsa dance (grind) for a little, then eat chocolate by the fire. Fortunately, Cassandra brought plenty of pictures of her 2 year old son because once they established that Juan Pablo does not want to eat malted milk balls, they have absolutely nothing to talk about. Despite their age difference, his promise not to string her along because she has a son, her zero personality, his inability to correctly speak the English language and their overall lack of chemistry, Juan Pablo gives her the date rose because she is a good mom. He knows that she is a good mom by the way she lovingly kisses him on the forehead all the while making sure he isn’t running a fever.
Group Date: Juan on Diez
The Group Date card arrives and invites Kelly, Renee, Sharleen, Danielle, Alli, Lauren, Christy, Lucy, Andi and Nikki to “Let’s Kick It.” Uh Duh, I wonder what THAT could possibly mean? Maybe they are going to play soccer? Juan Pablo has a great theory that he will get to know the girls better by watching them play soccer. The girls arrive in various hues of pastel tanks, and are overly impressed that the limo drove out onto the soccer field and that Juan Pablo sweats. Sharleen admits she has never worn a pair of cleats in her life, but at least her up-do is now in 2 braids and she looks less like an opera singer and more like the girl on the Wendy’s logo.
During the warmup Kelly tells us that her strategy is to pray for a broken leg or a nose. A broken nose might be an improvement and will make Kelly look less like Miss Piggy. The girls are divided into 2 teams, red and blue. I can’t tell you which girl was on which team because they all still look exactly the same to me. What I can tell you is that there were a lot of balls across the face, something most of these girls are already used to despite the fact that they don’t play sports. In the end, Lucy wore clothes, Nikki was very competitive and Juan Pablo proved that he is a better soccer player than they are. I have no idea which team won nor do I care. My only commentary about the game is that not one person, Juan Pablo included, thought that each team would have benefitted from a goalie.
Despite the ladies’ exhaustion from all that physical activity and balls across the face, there is no rest for the winners or losers because they are all invited to return to the stadium for the evening portion of the date. Nikki sits in some seats with Juan Pablo and asks him about his biggest fear. His response should have been “making stupid remarks to the media.” Instead, he tells he likes her vibe and that she is sexy. Nikki rambles on and on, babbling about nothing and sounding a lot like Charlie Brown’s teacher, so I just tuned her right out.
Andi the prosecutor is the next lucky lady to get some one on one time, and she says that although he is easy to look at, she believes there is a whole lot more to him. I hate to be the one to tell you this Andi, but Juan Pablo is as dumb as a rock. In the end all she gets is a coke and a smile, and kiss against the freezer in the concession area which smells like hot dogs and stale beer.
Now it’s time for Sharleen to have some Juan on Juan time. Juan Pablo takes Sharleen to the center of the soccer stadium under the watchful eyes of the other 9 ladies (despite Sean Lowe’s warnings), lays out a picnic blanket and tells her that she has class. Andi’s saliva isn’t even dry on his lips but Juan Pablo reaches in for a kiss from Sharleen which turns out to be the worst kiss in Bachelor history. It was so bad that I have included a picture of it:
Sharleen, who has done a 180 and is now hot for Juan Pablo, realizes that she better do something fast or she will be on the next train to Canada/Germany ASAP. She reaches over and attempts to give him a real kiss, which was an open mouth, sloppy tongue, gross kiss. Epic Kiss Fail! That was the second worst kiss in Bachelor history, but Sharleen doesn’t see it that way and is pretty satisfied that she will get the group date rose. In an attempt to prevent you from scratching your eyes out, I am not attaching a picture of the second kiss.
In the end, the group date rose goes to Nikki, the only girl who didn’t leave snail like saliva marks across Juan Pablo’s face.
Second Juan on Juan Date
The second one on one date card arrives and asks Chelsie “Do You Trust Me.” Chelsie is excited, but Elise is very unhappy that her significantly younger, and by that I mean 3 years younger, arch enemy Chelsie got the date. Elise shows her gained maturity by spending countless hours whining to everyone, including Molly the dog, that Chelsie is too young, seems like a baby and isn’t ready to be a step-mom. Who died and told Elise that she was the voice of maturity? Maybe it was written in Elise’s mom’s last will and testament.
Not deterred by Elise’s gossip and 3 year maturity advantage, Chelsie hops into Juan Pablo’s car and sings and car dances to a Venezuelan song despite not knowing the words. Their first stop is a Venezuelan restaurant where they fill up on fried foods which must have been really delicious because they took some to go. They walk to their next destination eating and drinking out of cardboard boxes, which suddenly doesn’t seem like such a great idea given their next stop- Bungee Jumping from the top of a bridge.
Upon seeing “the high dive on crack” Chelsie gets very nervous and exclaims that she has never jumped off a large object before. I guess Chelsie spends all her time jumping off small objects and is a little out of her comfort zone right now. I’m thinking that the Venezuelan food probably wasn’t a good idea, and it’s just a matter of time before we see it again, this time splattered all over Juan Pablo.
Instead of saying “NO WAY AM I JUMPING OFF THIS BRIDGE” like any normal, scared to death girl on a first date would, Chelsie stands on the edge of the platform, whining, crying, whimpering, and hiding her face in Juan Pablo’s chest. Juan Pablo tells her “It’s OK” “I’m here” and my personal favorite “Just do it for me” like a 17 year old boy says to his date in the back of his car on prom night. After begging for hours, which could be considered foreplay for some couples, Chelsie eventually gives in and takes the plunge. The jump happily ends with Juan Pablo and Chelsie sharing their first kiss while hanging upside down by their ankles. No tandem bridge jump would be complete without a love metaphor, and Chelsie doesn’t let us down “I think if we can jump off a bridge together we can pretty much get through anything.” Try raising 3 teenage daughters and then get back to me Chelsie- there are days I want to jump head first off the bridge without the bungee. Chelsie has proven that she trusts Juan Pablo, which I don’t understand; it’s not like Juan Pablo secured the harnesses or tied the knots around their ankles- now THAT would be trust!
Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Elise is still trash talking Chelsie. Kat can barely contain an eye-roll and points out to Elise that Chelsie is only a couple of years younger than 27 year old Elise. Elise is not deterred and continues with the “Chelsie is too young” campaign, as if anyone is actually listening.
Despite Elise’s concerns about Chelsie’s age, Juan Pablo enjoys his dinner with her and thinks that she is “wife material.” She gets the rose and a private concert by Billy Currington during which she dances like Elaine Benes. At least she knows the words to this guy’s songs.
Breakfast and Pool Party
Juan Pablo arrives early in the morning fresh from a trip to the grocery store. He wants to make the ladies breakfast and see them with “no makeup, no hair done.” He starts cooking and Kelly comes down first, hair in pony tail, no make-up, thick glasses and no bra, which is my usual errand running attire. Upon seeing Juan Pablo, Kelly moans, hides her face and runs up the stairs to “put her face on.” Renee walks in and announces that she hasn’t even brushed her teeth yet and Juan Pablo likes that she is a natural. No Juan Pablo, that is called being a mother, because sometimes we just don’t have time to worry about things like make-up or showering or other luxuries like brushing our teeth.
After breakfast, Juan Pablo announces “Chris Harrison style” that in lieu of a cocktail party, he would prefer a pool party so he can see the girls in a more natural state: their natural white teeth, their natural tans, their natural blonde hair and their natural breasts. What ensues is lots of cannon balls, splashing and overflowing breasts in two sizes too small bikini tops.
Kat wants to position herself well during this pool party, and does so by climbing on Juan Pablo’s shoulders and humping his neck while her bongos play “Babaloo” on his head. Dog Lover Kelly sneers and gets catty when she calls Kat a whore, but really is just mad that she didn’t think of climbing on Juan Pablo herself. Sharleen is starting to feel out of her element and complains how people change when the cameras are around. Has she not seen this show before? Clare is jealous that she hasn’t had any time with Juan Pablo all week and I’m starting to wonder if any of these women actually understand the premise of this show.
Sharleen takes Juan Pablo aside and tells him that she’s not sure that she is right for this and that the cameras are invading her soul, which is pretty much her way of making him feel bad because she signed up for a televised dating show. She tells him her soul wants to be left alone, then starts crying and snotting into his shirt. He mumbles some words of reassurance and Sharleen’s soul immediately perks up! Sharleen kisses Juan Pablo while the hens at the pool cackle and call her a bitch.
Clare is so distraught when she sees Sharleen and Juan Pablo together that she runs to the bathroom crying. Dr. Phil wanna-be Renee follows her in and soothes her troubled heart and diagnoses her with First Date Curse Syndrome. Renee needs to start carrying an appointment book and accepting Obamacare.
The moment we have been waiting 2 hours for- Nikki, Chelsie and Cassandra have roses and the remaining roses go to:
Andi, Renee, Kelly, Sharleen, Elise, Kat, Alli, Clare, Lauren and Danielle, who looked like she just got out of the pool, towel dried her hair and threw on a dress. Lucy and her dirty feet are sent home, as is some blonde girl whose name I didn’t know until her exit interview. In case you are wondering, her name is Christy but don’t bother remembering it.
Until next time, adios amigos!