RHOBH Episode 17: Lines in the Sand

The dinner party from hell is alive and well. Photo: bravotv.com

The dinner party from hell is alive and well.
Photo: bravotv.com

By Lesley Rousso

The episode opens with everyone preparing to go to Puerto Rico, well everyone except Carlton, who wasn’t invited. They meet up at LAX and Joyce explains that although her father has passed away, she wants everyone to have fun.

The group arrives in San Juan and on the bus Brandi looks stressed. She explains that she needs to say something to Lisa, and soon. Ken and Lisa check into their room and they are less than thrilled with the accommodations.

Yolanda and Brandi sit down to talk and Brandi tells her that Lisa hasn’t called her in a week. She’s also tired of Lisa “pushing” Scheana on her. She claims that Lisa has stepped on Kyle and now is stepping on her. Yolanda tells us that Lisa never has anything nice to say about Kyle. Yolanda promises to give Lisa a piece of her mind the following day, as she has her own problems with her.

After breakfast, a ferry comes to pick up all but Joyce who is spending the day with her mother. They arrive at a Palomonito a private island and if I have to hear Mauricio describe something as amazing again I’m reaching through the screen. Seriously, like Tom Cruise jumping on a couch annoying!

Yolanda walks away with Lisa and immediately tells her that Brandi is upset because she feels like there is a divide in the group. Okay hold on, I thought Yolanda had her own issues and can Brandi not speak for herself? Yo chastises her for throwing a party with Kyle and says that she should’ve let everyone know that her and Kyle sorted things out. Why? Lisa asks the same thing and Yo says because they were all part of it. Yo tells us that Lisa should’ve asked Kyle for forgiveness after saying things about Mauricio behind his back. Why may I ask, again is this Yolanda’s problem? Lisa gets up to walk away and Yo tells her to sit down. Brandi chimes in that Lisa never calls her anymore and is now BFFs with Kyle again. Lisa basically tells her she’s being ridiculous. Brandi goes on to say that Lisa doesn’t call or check in on her. Really? Wasn’t it Brandi who didn’t want Lisa mothering her. She was just complaining about that three episodes ago. Make up your mind Brandi! Lisa asks her when the last time she called her was. Touche! She gets up to walk away and holier than thou Yolanda tells her that walking away won’t solve anything.

Lisa’s voice breaks as she says she doesn’t want to stay. Brandi keeps saying she is afraid to go against Lisa, because she’s seen what happens when people do this. She then says she must be one hundred percent honest with Kyle and proceeds to tell her that Lisa wanted Brandi to bring the tabloids with the cheating claims about Mauricio to Palm Springs with them. Why in the first place, did Brandi have the tabloids? Kyle of course believes Brandi. Kyle and Yolanda walk back over to Lisa and Ken asks Yolanda why she’s getting involved when it has nothing to do with her. Ding ding ding! Yolanda tells him that it has nothing to do with him either to which Ken replies, “that’s my wife and she’s upset.” Yolanda of course seems to take issue with that. She’s very hypocritical in this episode. Kyle comes out and asks Lisa about Brandi’s claims and Lisa tells no, that did not happen.

Meanwhile, Joyce’s family arrives and they all have lunch. It’s a nice scene in comparison to the previous one. Joyce tells her mom she needs to come and live with her in California.

Back at scary island, Kim fills Mauricio in on what the conversation was about and of course, Mauricio believes her. Lisa continues to deny it. Ken, in true form tells us that Lisa is the perfect woman and they’re just jealous and trying to start trouble. Why I ask you would anyone believe Brandi? How many times does she have to prove that she lies and is not a genuine person? Mauricio gets pissed and leaves. Guess he believes it too. Kyle goes after him.

On the bus to dinner, Lisa asks Brandi what her problem is and Brandi tells her to ask Scheana. So Lisa says, “What do you mean ask Scheana?” Brandi asks Lisa how close the two are and Lisa says that Scheana has been very close to Pandy for five years. She claims that she did some digging and the two are “thick as thieves”. Brandi says she’s used her to get publicity for herself. Ken says she’s a kid who works for us, not our friend. Once again. I think Brandi is grasping. Brandi tells Lisa she needs to take a lie detector test. She then claims that Lisa puts people under her spell and makes them do what she wants. Seriously? Do you not have a mind of your own Brandi?

The group arrives at dinner, and Lisa walks over and promises Brandi she had no idea that Scheana had slept with Eddie that first time the two ran into each other at Sur. She tells her she loves her and is always on her side. Kyle announces that she feels uneasy and needs to ask Lisa and Brandi at the same time what happened. Maybe after dinner would’ve been a good choice but Kyle asks right at the table in true dinner party from hell form. Lisa again denies it, Brandi accuses her of lying. Ken gets pissed and again Yolanda asks him why he’s getting involved. He tells her not to be so stupid. Kim chimes in and Ken tells her to stay out of it. Kim fires back that she’s tired of his godamned mouth and that he’s a “big stubborn old man”. Joyce is horrified. Again, Kim brings up Kimberly’s graduation. Really Kim, they RSVP’d two weeks in advance and sent a gift. Get over yourself! So Ken says well, “Why weren’t you at my daughters wedding?” By the way, Kim never RSVP’d to that. Ken and Lisa get pissed and get up to leave. They go back to their room and discuss how ridiculous the whole thing is. At the table Yolanda continues to give her two cents as does everyone else. They sit down and have some wine, Lisa cries and they actually show her and Ken smoking, scandalous!! Ken says he won’t have them talking about her like that. The episode ends.

Next week: the trip drags on, Kim and Yolanda say goodbye to their daughters as they leave for college, and Lisa fills Carlton in on what happened…Stay tuned.

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The Bachelor: Season 18 Episode 8

Andi OUT ! Photo: abc.go.com

Andi OUT !
Photo: abc.go.com

By Denise Weiss

“Eees Ok”

It’s Fantasy Suite time, a/k/a the night that you show the world that you are easy and will sleep with a guy who will be sleeping with 2 other women. Juan Pablo is walking around St. Lucia in a mint green shirt and white shorts biding his time until he can get some quality alone time (wink, wink) with his three remaining ladies- Clare, Neekee and Andi. He has a twinkle in his eyes when he says the Fantasy Suite is “a chance to talk to the girls with privacy…All the time we want, no cameras. Perfect.” Talking, yeah right. Fortunately, St. Lucia is the perfect place to fall in love as opposed to all the other perfect places to fall in love that they have visited over the past few weeks.

Clare

Clare arrives in St. Lucia and annoyingly coos “If you told me a year ago that I would be standing here with the man of my dreams falling in love, there’s no way I would believe you.” She is convinced that Juan Pablo is perfect and is thrilled that it is finally time for her “love story” to come true.

Clare and Juan Pablo spend the day on a yacht. Clare actually spends the day on top of Juan Pablo while the camera man provides us with unnecessary shots up Clare’s dress. Juan Pablo declares “dees is freeking beautiful” as they jump off the yacht and splash in the warm water.

Clare spends all day and most of the night pretending to be mulling over whether or not she will spend the night with Juan Pablo in the fantasy suite. Who is she kidding? We all know that despite her PTSD from her time in ‘Nam, she is not going to pass up a chance to frolic with Juan Pablo without cameras and Cameeeellla’s prying eyes to capture her every move.

During dinner in a treehouse Clare wants to talk about meeting Cameeeelllla, but Juan Pablo would rather talk about Clare forgoing her individual room and spending the night with him in the fantasy suite. He whips out the standard “Chris Harrison Fantasy Suite Card,” hands Clare the key and says “Aye, what do you want to do?”

When she brings up his “we made a mistake in Vietnam” speech and tells him she doesn’t want to bring any more shame on Cameeeellla, he pretends to listen to her concerns but tells her with a shrug “Theese ees what it ees.”

Clare “really really really” wants to spend more time with him so she gives in and convinces herself that sleeping with him again is the right thing to do. “Since the day he blindfolded me in the car and told me to trust him and he hasn’t given me a reason not to.” Except the time that he called you out on your 4 am booty call and embarrassed you by telling you that you weren’t a good role model for his daughter. Big Sigh. Some people never learn.

Once in the Fantasy Suite, he toasts “tomorrow we will wake up and know a lot more about each other.” I bet you will. They sit and talk for a little while. He tells her she is cute and plays with her ear and grabs her nose. She drops the l-bomb by saying “I’m falling in love with you.” He continues to play “got your nose” and “let me hide my tongue in your mouth” and Clare is oblivious to the fact that she is being played like a grand piano.

Next stop, the hot tub where Juan Pablo continues to slobber all over her. She says she wants babies and marriage (in that order) and that she trusts him. SMH.

The next morning Juan Pablo says his sleepover with Clare was great and that they spent the night “just laying and talking and cuddling.” Sure you did. Was that before or after your braided each other’s hair and played with the Ouija board?

Andi

Juan Pablo is done with Clare and now it’s Andi’s turn. Their date consists of playing steel drums in a village, creeping out a young local boy by making him drink juice and playing a pick up game of soccer on the beach. After they are done annoying the locals, they jump in a land buggy and go for a ride into the jungle and have a picnic next to a waterfall. Didn’t they already have this date?

They sit under waterfall and Juan Pablo thinks Andi is “wife material.” I guess waterfalls are their thing.

Later that night Juan Pablo thinks Andi could be the one, but is concerned that he “meeesunderstood” her during the hometown date when she said that she “really badly wanted to fall in love.” He says he doesn’t want her to force things because “nothing that is forced will work.” Using her sharp prosecutor skills she explains that there is a difference between “wanting it badly” and “forcing it.” Juan Pablo accepts that answer because he really doesn’t care and is only making conversation as an introduction to asking her to spend the night in the Fantasy Suite.

Now it’s Andi’s turn to ask the questions and she asks if he thinks she will be a good mother. He replies “Do I think you can be a good mother? My honest answer is I don’t know. Are you a mother? No. Will you fit in my life? Sure.” He then adds “That’s why I have an overnight with you, so we can talk about a lot of things.” So Juan Pablo’s plan is to use their time together in the Fantasy Suite to get to know Andi better and determine if she will be a good mother. That Juan Pablo is such a standup guy. Andi is on cloud 9 and says yes. Fool.

The next morning Juan Pablo wakes up very happy. “We had a great night together. We freekin’ talked and laughed for hours. Hours. Like, HOURS…Andi could be the one.” Andi, on the other hand, apparently woke up in another suite, with another guy, on another island because she said “Waking up this morning, I could not wait to get out of the Fantasy Suite.” Andi does the walk of shame down a long dusty road and continues her confession “The Fantasy Suite turned into a nightmare. I saw a side to him that I didn’t really like, and the whole night was just a disaster.” Andi must have met the Juan Pablo that the rest of us have been watching all season because she looked as disgusted as we have been feeling. Hate to say it but, I TOLD YOU SO!

Shockingly, Andi realized that Juan Pablo is a self centered narcissist who talked about himself, name dropped, talked about his night with Clare, has no filter and thinks that he can say whatever he wants and everyone will just fall in love with him. Hmmm Andi, I see you’ve met Juan Pablo.

Andi is sad that it took her this long to figure out that Juan Pablo is a dog, and the moral of the story is always listen to your dad.

Neekee

Nikki  arrives for her horseback riding date in palazzo pants and a fringe bikini top that barely covers her nipples. Juan Pablo finds her sexy and says he wishes she was wearing a thong while she rode the horse. Ew.

They ride to the beach, strip down to bathing suits and hold hands as they run in the waves. Neekee says she’s ready to be with him and that he is what she wants. Juan Pablo says “aye aye aye I can’t wait for tonight” and is hoping for a Fantasy Suite trifecta. He rubs her neck, plays with her hair and makes stupid faces. Finally he whips out the Fantasy Suite invite card and Neekee gladly forgoes her individual room.

Juan Pablo is really into Neekee because she is honest, pretty, sexy and cares about people. Neekee likes Juan Pablo because he is funny, has sparkle, is a great dad and a good kisser. They are both so shallow and really deserve each other.

He rubs his thumb on her face and plays with her earlobe and asks her what she is thinking. After hemming and hawing a bit she finally responds “I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t feel the way I do…And I love you.” This makes Juan Pablo happy but makes me throw up a little in my mouth.

The next day Chris Harrison shows up and asks how things are going. Juan Pablo tells Chris that he is feeling good, which is an understatement given the amount of sex he has had over the past few days.

He watches the videos of the remaining 3 women, which are pretty unremarkable until he gets to Andi’s tape, which starts out innocent enough but ends with her walking up the road behind him to share some of her thoughts. Yikes!

Juan Pablo sits next to Andi, unaware that he is about to get dumped on his linen pants ass. He annoyingly rubs her face and listens as she tells him that she realized she’s not in love with him and that she is leaving. He responds “Eees OK” which infuriates Andi. What happens next is Andi’s hour long angry rant about what a louse he is, how he only cares about himself and how he never got to know her. Juan Pablo was dismissive and said “Eh, I cannot force you to feel something for me” which was pretty much his way of saying “Thanks for last night, you can go now.”

Andi isn’t quite finished with him yet, and calls him out on joking that she was there by “default” and for telling her that he slept with Clare the night before. His response? He was just being honest with her. She reminds him that there is a difference between being honest and being an asshole (the difference is brains, tact and class and we all know Juan Pablo has none of the above).

As much as I agree 100% with what Andi says about him, I have to wonder why she wasted her time yelling at him. She should have just said “You are a jerk,” packed her bags and left with her head held high (You go Sharleen!). Instead she positioned herself to be the next Bachelorette.

I am not defending Juan Pablo at all- in fact, I can’t stand him. But even during Desiree’s season it was clear that he is a womanizing horn dog who is not looking for a wife. What makes him even sleazier is that he played the Cameeeella card all season. Andi should have dumped him the minute she got out of the limo and he said “Oh you are a lawyer you must like to read.”

Andi eventually realizes that Juan Pablo is never going to agree that he is a douchebag and gets in the car and heads to the airport. Juan Pablo is very relieved that she is gone, and says there is no way he would take her back after that, proving once again that he is a pompous ass. Had she simply dumped him, he might have been upset, but after ripping him a new asshole on national television he has to save face and says “Am I disappointed? Maybe a little bit but I’m not going to argue with a lawyer.” Looks to me like you were just out argued by one.

Rose Ceremony

Chris Harrison escorts Clare and Neekee to the staging area and tells them that Andi has gone home, but is going to let Juan Pablo explain why she left. Does Juan Pablo admit that Andi left because she realized that he was a conceited jackass? Of course not. He tells the girls that Andi left because she didn’t have strong feelings for him and wanted to go home. He explains that he is hurt but he can’t force someone to like him. Neekee looks a little skeptical. Clare bought this crap hook, line and sinker.

He tells them he will understand if they don’t want to essept theesse rose. Shockingly, both Neekee and Clare essept the rose.

Next week the women tell all.

The Bachelor : Season 18 Episode 7

Juan Pablo meets Ben, Was it even worth it? Photo: abc.go.com

Juan Pablo meets Ben, Was it even worth it? Photo: abc.go.com

By Denise Weiss

Hola rose lovers, and welcome to Hometown Dates. This is the week we get a glimpse into the people who spawned and reared the type of women who go on a reality dating show to find a husband. We are down to the final four ladies- Nikki, Andi, Clare and Renee. I won’t lie to you- this episode was really boring and if you haven’t watch it yet, you will thank me for saving you two hours.

NEEKEE

The episode starts in Neekee’s, hometown of Kansas City, Mo. with a shot of some random cows mooing and Neekee running across a park and into Juan Pablo’s arms. Neekee is excited to bring Juan Pablo to the midwest, and is hoping to bring out the cowboy in him. Their first stop is Oklahoma Joe’s for some “gas station BBQ” which doesn’t sound very appetizing but looks delicious. Juan Pablo looks quizzically at the ribs and acts like he has never had BBQ chicken and ribs before. I’m pretty sure they have BBQ in Miami.

Next they go to an empty bar so el bachelor can prove his inner cowboy by riding a mechanical bull. How do you say “yee haw” in Spanish? Juan Pablo barely holds on but Neekee is impressed and thinks he’s the next Urban Cowboy. Neekee wants to tell him she loves him, but can’t get the words out. Instead they ride the bull together until they “fall off” and her tongue lands in his mouth.

They arrive at Neekee’s house and are greeted by Dad Tom, Mom Jennifer, some brothers and a wife. Dad Tom is wearing a sensible green sweater and makes Juan Pablo feel right at home when he toasts to Neekee and Juan Pablo’s new relationship. Dad Tom obviously doesn’t know that his daughter is a bitch.

Mom pulls Neekee aside for a mother/daughter chat. Neekee tells her mom that she loves Juan Pablo but is waiting for the right moment to tell him. I guess fighting with Clare about who paid the hotel bill last week didn’t leave enough time for “I love you.”

Mom Jennifer looks less than thrilled as she pulls on her hair and says she will support Neekee’s nuptials if Juan Pablo gets down on one knee and proposes.

Dad Tom sits down with Juan Pablo and tells him that if he isn’t 100 percent certain of his feelings for Neekee, please don’t ask her to marry him. Juan Pablo distracts Dad Tom with a lot of random hand gestures and Dad Tom is easily swayed and says they will accept him if he proposes. Dad Tom is an idiot.

Eventually Dad Tom questions Neekee about her feelings for Juan Pablo. She says she can’t put a finger on her feelings for him, but explains that “it’s magical.” Words are not Neekee’s strong point unless she’s bitching out Clare.

Dad Tom shows zero emotion and seems more like he is reading lines off a cue card than giving his daughter’s suitor his blessing. Neekee’s family is sweet and about as exciting as watching paint dry, and everyone is wondering how such nice people raised such a nasty daughter.

Neekee and Juan Pablo stand at the front door kissing until the limo driver decides he has better things to do and starts the car, signaling the end of the date. At least he didn’t honk the horn and yell out the window “get the f*** in the car already.” Juan Pablo says goodnight and drives off, and Neekee loses another opportunity to tell him that she loves him.

ANDI

Next up is Andi, who is really rocking the ombre down in Atlanta. Seriously, that is one really outdated ombre she has going on.

They meet in a park, run past some ducks, hug, he says “aye, there is a connection and chemistry” and they go to a shooting range where she fires an automatic weapon directly into the bullseye. Juan Pablo on the other hand uses a little wussy gun and after 737 rounds of ammo finally hits the target. His prize? He gets to meet her family. This should have been some kind of warning to Juan Pablo. Needless to say, Andi is someone to fear- emotionally insecure and armed and dangerous is not a pretty combination.

Andi is excited to see her family, but says that she is panicking inside because her family can be a little skeptical, which means that they have half a brain. Andi says she is waiting to fall in love with Juan Pablo and her family’s approval (or disapproval) could be the tipping point. Hopefully Juan Pablo brought the gun with him.

The family has hung a sign on the front door that reads “Welcome Home Pookie.” Funny, Juan Pablo doesn’t ask “waaas this meean pookie?” Mom Patti runs to greet her, with Dad Hy and Sister Rachel in tow.

It is abundantly clear from the start that no one is impressed with Juan Pablo. In fact, Dad Hy is so clearly disgusted that his Assistant District Attorney daughter is dating a guy who is dating 3 other women that he repeatedly wipes the sweat off of his forehead as he listens to Andi recall their “adventura.” Despite Andi’s best efforts to tell her family about how much fun they have had, Dad Hy is a big fat Debbie Downer and keeps reminding Andi how many other girls were on the date with them.

During dinner, Dad Hy shovels meat in his mouth, gulps wine and shoots disapproving looks at Juan Pablo. Mom Patti takes Juan Pablo outside to talk, and he hopes that she “essepts” him. Juan Pablo again ‘splains his feelings with feverous hand gestures. Next think you know Mom Patti is asking Juan Pablo to teach her to salsa, and Juan Pablo grabs Andi and grinds on her in front of Mom Patti. Eventually Juan Pablo throws Mom Patti a bone and takes her for a few spins around the deck.

Everything is going nicely until Dad Hy sits down and asks “is it Juan or Juan Pablo?” El Bachelor responds “Ees Jhuapalo.” Hy should have just called him Juan Crapo at this point. Anyway, whatever your name is, can you answer me the following question “what in the world made you go on this show?” Juan Pablo gives a stupid answer that doesn’t impress Dad Hy. Instead of just “essepting” that Dad Hy doesn’t like him, Juan Pablo tries to get Dad Hy to give his blessing, to which Dad Hy responds “let’s reverse the situation and pretend it’s your daughter who has been going out with a guy who is dating 3 other women.” Oh Snap! Dad Hy 1, Juan Pablo 0.

Meanwhile, in another room sister Rachel tells Andi she doesn’t see a connection between her and Juan Pablo. Despite her family’s disapproval of the situation (or maybe in spite of it) Andi ends the evening feeling a stronger connection to Juan Pablo and declares that she is “very very close to being in love with him.”

In the end, Dad Hy refuses to give his blessing to a man who is deciding between 4 women. Juan Pablo is unfazed and appreciates his honesty.

RENEE

Our next stop is Sarasota, Florida, where Renee is so excited to see her son Ben that she says she is literally going to eat him. But before we can reunite mother and child, Renee must have her date with Juan Pablo.

They meet up at the beach, hug and walk to a little league field for a picnic while they wait for Ben to arrive. Ben comes out of a random car, runs over to Renee and they are very happy to see each other. Juan Pablo walks over, calls him “buddy,” shakes his hand and tries too hard to talk to him. Ben is pretty quiet and is probably thinking who is the douche in the red flip flops with my mom and why does he keep trying to talk to me?

Renee and Juan Pablo watch as Ben makes all kinds of bad plays out in the field and team sponsor Lakewood Ranch Dental gets some really good publicity. Juan Pablo says he wants a son. I guess Cameeeellllla and her dance recitals aren’t cutting it anymore.

Renee and Juan Pablo’s date is put on hold so that ABC can promote a new movie about cars. Sorry Aaron Paul, not even you can interest me enough to go see that movie. Now if you are going to cook meth in one of those cars, let me know because then I will definitely tune in, bitch.

After the game they meet the rest of Renee’s family- Mom Brenda, Dad Tom (not to be confused with Neekee’s Dad Tom in the green sweater) and a very cute brother.

Renee gets Ben ready for bed and Mom Brenda sits with Juan Pablo on a really small couch. It is very clear from Juan Pablo’s crossed arms that his lips are telling Brenda how wonderful Renee is, but his body language is saying “no rose for you Renee.” Poor Renee. Maybe next time you won’t leave your son for 2 months so you can be a therapist to 20 crazy insecure women and run after a guy who doesn’t want to kiss you.

Mom Brenda asks Renee if she is in love with Juan Pablo, as opposed to loving him as we do our pets. Of course Renee is totally, crazy, madly in love with him; she just needs to let him know that, which of course she doesn’t, making her the third girl in a row to fail to say those 3 little words. I’m thinking it’s probably really difficult for the girls to say “I love you” because THEY DON’T REALLY LOVE HIM! Phew- I feel better now that I said that.

CLARE

Crazy as a squirrel and as angry as a swarm of bees is all we need to describe Clare. We are in a park in Sacramento California waiting for the start of Clare’s hometown date and the big reveal- what did her family do to make Clare so crazy?

Clare is excited that their date is taking place at a park that her dead dad used to take her to. They sit on a bench and talk. Well, Juan Pablo sits on the bench; Clare awkwardly sits on Juan Pablo. Clare tells Juan Pablo that before he died, she and her dad had their daddy/daughter wedding dance. Juan Pablo is not smart enough to see this as a huge red flag and just sits there listening to story after story about Clare’s dead father.

Juan Pablo is first guy she is bringing home since her dad died, and Ashlee starts talking about her abandonment issues. Oh, wait, sorry, I just had a little deja vu for a minute and forgot this is Clare and her issues, not Ashlee. Sorry about that. Clare talks about her father and says that he told her that anytime she needs him, she should find some water then throw rocks and he will be there. Does that mean that Dad was there in the ocean with them in Vietnam, because that’s really creepy. Either way Juan Pablo is so moved by the rock throwing speech that they go and throw rocks in the water. I would like to throw rocks at Clare.

Finally, the moment we have been waiting for- we meet Clare’s family- Mom Lillian, sisters Lisa, Laura, Madelyn, Julie and a brother in law who is completely irrelevant. It is immediately apparent that Clare got all the looks in the family.

Clare tells Sister Madelyn that if Juan Pablo proposes she will say yes. Madelyn points out that she has only known him a few weeks, but is quickly shut down when Clare reminds her that their parents only knew each other for 3 weeks before they got engaged. Sister Lisa thinks Juan Pablo is a real southern gentleman who deserves Clare’s love.

Sister Laura, who was hit with the ugly stick twice is not having any of this and tells Clare that mama will not be giving her blessing. Clare cries and gets mad at Sister Laura and demands mama’s blessing. Sister Laura says that mama is traditional and will never give her blessing for this. Mama is not only traditional but is also apparently mute because she just sits there while Clare and Sister Laura get up in each other’s faces.

Clare tells Sister Laura that she’s following her heart and it would devastate her if her family did anything to jeopardize her chances for a proposal. Sister Laura insists that she won’t let mama be manipulated and stands up in front of camera to prove how serious she is about this. Someone must have put dessert on the table because eventually Sister Laura walks away, giving Clare the opportunity to question mama directly. Sister Laura however is still lurking in the darkness and speaks for mama from behind the bushes, yelling “You are disrespecting mama.” Uh mama, feel free to speak up anytime now.

Juan Pablo finally gets some time with mama, who it turns out isn’t mute, she is bilingual and speaks to Juan Pablo in Spanish and English. She explains that everyone misses “Daddy” and that Sister Laura is just being protective. Juan Pablo turns on the old lady charm and mama gives her blessing. Clare’s entire family needs intensive therapy to deal with the death of their patriarch. Where is Renee when you need her?

Clare hopes that Juan Pablo can look past her crazy family because “I would love to marry him. I would absolutely love it.” Of course you would Clare, and so would we because we are all dying to see the DVD your dad left for your future husband.

ROSE CEREMONY

Back in Miami, Chris Harrison marches the girls out to the patio one by one and lines them up like a firing squad waiting for Juan Pablo. Chris says the gravity of the situation is weighing heavily on Juan Pablo as if Sister Laura is sitting in his lap.

Here we go:
The first rose goes to Neekee. The second rose goes to Clare. The third and final rose goes to Andi which we already knew from watching the promos for Tuesday…yes a double dose this week… night’s episode.

Juan Pablo looks sadly at rose-less Renee and cries. They sit and talk, and Juan Pablo does his patented move of wiping her tears with his thumb. He tells her he respects her and then walks her to the limo of rejection. Renee handles herself with class and dignity and doesn’t cry too badly and blow snot all over herself. Hopefully Renee will realize her true value and decide to go back to school for psychiatry.

Tuesday night- Fantasy Suite and drama on St. Lucia. Remember- what happens in the fantasy suite stays in the fantasy suite. Unless it’s herpes because that shit spreads.