THE WOMEN TELL NOTHING WE DIDN’T ALREADY KNOW
Are you ready to meet “The most memorable women from the most controversial season of The Bachelor?” If so, then you should find the women from someone else’s season because all we have here are Juan Pablo’s unmemorable girls. Juan Pablo brought all the controversy himself by going on a reality show to find a wife when he wasn’t at all interested in finding a wife. Before we let the dejected women rip Juan Pablo to shreds, Chris Harrison reminds us that love can in fact be found on The Bachelor, and newly married Sean and Catherine take the stage.
Sean and Catherine are the first to sit in the hot seat and Chris compliments Catherine’s “grown sexy” Demi Lovato haircut. Catherine now has bangs which she will regret by next week. Now that pleasantries are out of the way, Chris asks the question that is on none of our minds- “How was the wedding night?” Some things are better left in the honeymoon suite, but Sean wants everyone to know that despite the “born again virgin” thing, he is an amazing lover! He goes on to say that the wedding night was great and there were fireworks! Catherine on the other hand wants everyone to know that Sean’s fireworks were “quick.” Nice way to emasculate your new husband Catherine. (BTW- they make a pill for that now. I believe it’s blue and starts with a “V”). Catherine then makes things worse by patting Sean’s leg and saying “He toots his own horn so I have to keep him in place.” I’m not sure what that means, nor do I want to know anything about Sean’s horn. Everyone is uncomfortable except for Catherine, so Chris sends Sean a lifeline and says “Welcome to the club buddy, don’t worry, you got 50, 60 years to get it right.” Sean tries to recover his manhood by squeaking out “We’re good.” Someone should have told Catherine that The Women Tell All episode does not mean she needs to tell all about her wedding night romp. Hopefully we have heard the last of Sean and Catherine’s sex life.
“So what else did you do on your honeymoon?” (Please, please, please talk about something other than sex). Sean says that they had fun and swam with the stingrays, which was a really nice non-sex story until Sean unnecessarily informs us that one latched onto his “man parts.” Thanks for the visual Sean but seriously, we have heard enough about your penis.
Next up is a shameless plug for a new Muppet Movie. Chris Harrison has to do something to earn his paycheck this season, so he interviews Kermit and Miss Piggy about their upcoming nuptials. He doesn’t ask them about their sex life. PHEW. As if this isn’t strange enough, Juan Pablo comes out and joins in the conversation. I hope that Kermie keeps a close eye on Miss Piggy or Juan Pablo will take her to the ocean, have his way with her and then slut-shame her the next day.
Finally, Chris introduces the 17 ladies who have decided to attend the Juan Pablo massacre, including Andi, Sharleen, Renee, Lucy the Free Spirit, Kelly the Dog Lover, Kat, Cassandra, Chelsie, and a few others who I have never seen before. Even Molly the dog is in attendance, and everyone is pleased to see that Molly has not died from a herpes infection from swimming in the mansion pool. In fact, according to Kelly, Molly didn’t like Juan Pablo from the start, and that makes Molly the smartest girl in the house. The ladies all look happy, relaxed and tan.
Chris starts the conversation by saying “some love him, some don’t” and asking the ladies “What did you like about Juan Pablo.” The consensus is that he is hot and has an accent. Sadly once the girls got to know him, both of those traits disappeared, leaving nothing but a shallow, self centered dimwit with an annoying accent. Andi confirms this and says “At the end of the day looks can fade and you need more than that.” The girls chime in that the questions he asked them were “surface level” and that he really wasn’t interested in getting to know them. Duh. Lauren S. says their conversations were superficial and he wasn’t interested in getting to know her. That’s because he wasn’t interested in getting to know you Lauren.
Cassandra said that when they were together all they talked about were their kids, but that wasn’t enough for her, and she was looking for something more. Renee on the other hand said she had a great experience talking about their kids. Lauren S. thinks she is entitled to speak again and calls out that Juan Pablo wasn’t genuine. Kelly quickly reminds Lauren S. that she was very into Juan Pablo until the night she begged for a kiss and didn’t get one, but rather got sent home crying and embarrassed. Sounds like a case of sour grapes to me.
Andi sums it all up by saying that they wanted different things, which is another way of saying that he wasn’t there for “the right reason” — He was looking for someone to date and have fun with (a girlfriend) and the women were looking for a husband. Although Andi seems to think that not looking for a wife is one of Juan Pablo’s many flaws, maybe, just maybe Juan Pablo had the right idea in finding someone he can date after 8 weeks, as opposed to the crazy women on this show who think they should marry a guy after a few dips in a hot tub. Hmmmm. Maybe Juan Pablo is not as “estupido” as we all think he is, although I highly doubt that.
Ah, Besitos, Besitos, Besitos. So many besitos, so many excuses for not giving besitos. Kat is sporting an orangey oompa loompa tan and has a lot to say. She complains that Juan Pablo proclaimed that he was trying to be fair, when in fact he kept changing the rules as he went along. Oh, so you picked up on that too Kat? Uh, Kat, maybe he just wasn’t that into you.
Renee admits that she and Cassandra were treated differently because they are single moms. Kat is mad that the moms were considered his “special ones.” She says (again) that the rules kept changing and it wasn’t fair. Chris tries to come to Juan Pablo’s defense (must be that bros before hoes thing) and says that perhaps Juan Pablo was fighting with two different sides of himself and that he was confused. There is no confusion Chris; we all know which one of Juan Pablo’s sides did all the thinking.
Next, Kelly calls Juan Pablo out on using Camila as an excuse for kissing or not kissing the girls. Chris Harrison jumps in and tells Kelly to be careful when playing the kid card. Kelly’s comeback? “He didn’t say Camila when he was in the ocean.” Oh SNAP!
Speaking of Clare, Chris introduces the elephant in the room (no, not Lauren H.) and brings up Clare and Juan Pablo’s 4 am tryst in the ocean. Sharleen thinks he had a case of “buyer’s remorse” (like Clare was a car he was test driving) and the other women agree that Juan Pablo had a lot of nerve blaming the whole thing on Clare. It was nice to see that the ladies didn’t throw Clare under the hot tub for sneaking out in the first place. In fact, Andi commends Clare on seizing an opportunity. I find that odd.
First in the hot seat is Sharleen, who according to Chris is “the most intriguing person we ever had on the show” Intriguing is Chris Harrison code for “what the hell is a girl like you doing on a show like this.” As always, Sharleen looks elegant and classy which only reaffirms my belief that she ended up on the show because she got in the wrong limo at the airport on night one.
We watch her journey, relive their bad kisses, and even Sharleen has to cover her eyes in embarrassment. Chris question why she left and she responds “I knew he wasn’t for me” because although “we had chemistry…we didn’t get each other completely.” Chris questions the missing “cerebral connection,” which basically means he wasn’t smart enough for her. Sharleen wishes she were dumber and I am praying that none of my daughters is watching a bright articulate woman say she wishes she was dumb so she can win a man. She chalks up her inability to lower herself intellectually to not being able to turn off her brain and that she thinks too much. The whole “I’m so smart” thing is an insult to women everywhere.
Given their great chemistry, Sharleen defends Juan Pablo by saying she found him very curious about her lifestyle and tells Chris that he asked her lots of questions about herself and wanted to know about her and her experiences. That’s because Sharleen has MUNDO and brains and the other girls have fake tans and kids. Sharleen says she is surprised to find out that she was his top choice all along. The other girls, not so surprised.
Sharleen does not regret leaving and has respect for Juan Pablo. Snort and eye roll. Despite their magnetic draw, she promises to control herself when he walks out on stage and I certainly hopes she means it because I can’t bear to watch them make out again.
Next up in the hot seat is Renee who calls Juan Pablo “sweet and romantic.” She has clearly forgotten that this is the guy who wouldn’t kiss her because she has a son, but played tonsil hockey with Cassandra who has a son. Although not as cerebral as Sharleen, Renee is smart enough to know that Juan Pablo was saying “no besitos for you” and making out with Clare 20 minutes later. Still, she has no regrets other than not telling him “I love you” sooner, which she admits wouldn’t have made a difference because truth be told, he just wan’t that into her.
I am going to sum up Renee’s experience: He’s a single dad. I’m a single mom. We are single parents. Ben. Cameeelllla. Ugh enough already. What’s with all this talk about kids anyway. I don’t want to talk to my husband about my kids and they are his!
At the end of the day, Renee has found love, is a “situation” and is very happy. Rumor has it she is engaged. Ben is happy the creep in the red flip flops won’t be coming to his little league games anymore.
Finally, everyone’s favorite assistant district attorney takes the hot seat. Chris starts with “We know how this ended, but what was it about him that you liked?” Andi explains that from the beginning he was incredibly attractive and she enjoyed spending time with him, until … the dreaded Fantasy Suite Nightmare. She says “It was fine for a little while…and then everything was all about his soccer and his traveling and who he knew…it was all about him.” He told her things that hurt her feelings and made her feel cheap, like she was barely there, that she barely beat out Renee, and reminding her that he had been with Clare the night before. She says he wasn’t mean, he was just inappropriate and rude and had no filter. In order to get through the night, Andi pretended to fall asleep. Many women have faked lots of things in the Fantasy Suite, but faking sleep is a new one.
Chris asks Andi how she is doing now. She says she is still looking and will continue to search for her great love. I’m sure you will Andi- every Monday night on ABC. Ees OK Andi, you will be the next Bachelorette.
Juan Pablo swags his way to the stage, takes his seat and says he is not nervous to be there because “After the final rose we will all be regular people and all be friends.” He looks over at the ladies and gives Andi a special “Hi Andi” look that says “thanks for the bang and you know you didn’t fake anything.”
Chris asks Juan Pablo “Now that you’ve seen the way you have treated some of the women, would you change anything?” Not surprisingly, Juan Pablo answers “No, no.” He believes he was realistic, mature and honest since day one. If he seemed a little rude at times it was only because he was being honest and sometimes being honest hurts. Just what we needed, words of wisdom from Juan Pablo. He turns to Andi, nods his head and says “ees OK.”
Juan Pablo has no regrets on how he treated anyone. I regret all the hours I spent watching this season.
Chris finally opens the floor to the ladies and Lauren S. says he should have told her he wasn’t into her instead of using Camila as an excuse for not kissing her. Juan Pablo responds “I didn’t essept to be The Bachelor to kiss 27 women- I came to get to know you.” Except he didn’t get to know anyone, but he did kiss just about everyone including Molly the dog.
The girls whine about unfair treatment, blah blah blah, single moms being the “special ones” and moan and groan that they all left things behind to be there with him on his “adventura.”
Cassandra can not sit quietly anymore and tells Juan Pablo “if you really cared about Renee you wouldn’t have gone on the Hometown Date and met Ben since you knew Renee wasn’t The One.” The audience applauds and he responds by saying that he introduces all of his dates to Cameeelllla, so what is wrong with meeting Ben. He just doesn’t get it and never will and Cassandra is now another case of sour grapes
He does not apologize for treating Renee and Cassandra differently; in fact, he defends that treatment by saying they deserve it because they are moms and moms are more important than dads. He does have a remarkable way of slinging the sh** and making up the rules as he goes along. Someone should have said “If they were such great moms they wouldn’t have left their kids.” That would have shut them all up.
Andi isn’t done with him yet, and tells Juan Pablo that it would have been nice if he had taken the time to get to know them as individuals. Juan Pablo says that “at end of day eet ees what eet ees” and he didn’t want to waste his time figuring out if he was having a good time. He says he got to know each women as much as he wanted and that statement is far more telling than even he realizes.
Kelly has something to say for a change and brings up the anti-gay comments that Juan Pablo so ignorantly made back in January. Kelly tells him that she has a gay parent and is very hurt by what he said. He placates her by saying he was taken out of context and will talk to her about it after the show. Lauren S. tells him to stop using the “English is my second language” excuse. Amen. He says he loves gay people and that they were born that way. He should just stop talking already. Sharleen comes to his rescue and says he believes in equality and is open minded. Sure he is.
With that being settled, it’s time for bloopers. The best part is Juan Pablo repeatedly saying that he is looking for someone who will accept him and his “little package” until a producer finally tells him that means he has a small penis. That and Molly the dog peeing in the pool, like many, many dogs before her.
Chris offers a sneak peak at next week’s Final Rose Ceremony and says we will see something we haven’t seen before. Hopefully Clare and Nikki will both come to their senses and tell him to shove the rose up his ass. Sadly, I doubt this will happen but, hey, ees OK.