By Denise Weiss
Welcome to week 2 of The Bachelorette. It’s the morning after the first rose ceremony, and Andi feels great about the 19 remaining guys. Although she still can’t believe she is The Bachelorette, she is excited to think “that one of these guys could be my husband.” Andi finishes her makeup, puts on a lime green tank top and heads over to the mansion to weed through the Mr. Wrongs to find Mr. Right.
Speaking of the mansion, the 19 remaining suitors arrive, storm the place like it’s move in day at a fraternity house, and marvel at their surroundings. Many of them, including Nick S., are wearing knit hats. After woo whooing around the mansion, the guys get down to business and make Bloody Mary’s just in time for Chris Harrison’s arrival. With the smell of Axe body spray permeating the first floor of the mansion, Chris tells them how this works- there will be one group date and two one-on-one dates. If you don’t get a rose… yes Chris we have heard this all before. Chris drops the first date card on the table and leaves. The card reads “love is everywhere” and the date goes to…Eric.
Eric One on One Date
Andi pulls up to the mansion in her convertible, wearing shorty shorts and flashing her baby teeth smile. They arrive at the beach, where Andi strips down to a teeny white bikini (brave move wearing a white bikini on your first date). They build sand castles, fly a kite, do backflips and make sand angels which provides a gratuitous shot of Andi’s crotch. Just when they thought it was time to frolic in the water, SURPRISE!! Is it a bird? A plane? No, silly, this is The Bachelorette; it’s a HELICOPTER of course! The helicopter whisks them up to the top of Bear Mountain, which is complete with snow, snow boarders and Louie Vito who brings them appropriate clothing and teaches them how to snowboard. Rather, he attempts to teach Andi how to snowboard, which amounts to falling and cursing. Once Louie leaves, Eric takes over and it turns out he is an amazing snowboarder and a great teacher.
After hitting the slopes a few times, Eric and Andi relax over a thermos full of hot chocolate then finish the day portion of the date with a sled ride to the bottom of the mountain. Andi says the date has been incredible and that Eric is “the total package.”
The date concludes later that night with dinner at a rustic cabin. In what is one of the most substantive conversations between two contestants in the history of this show, Eric talks about a dangerous encounter he had in Syria during which he was convinced that he was going to die, so he composed a text to a parents. He choked up as he recalled having to say goodbye to his parents, and this is particularly sad knowing that his parents had to say goodbye to him.
As Eric tells Andi about his adventures, his family, and his desire to have a wife and family of his own, Andi looks at him wide eyed and says “Stop.” Actually, she says “Staaahp.” Over and over again. Stop with the staaahps Andi. Just “staaahp.”
Eric gets the rose.
Ding Dong! Back at the mansion/AEPi house, the doorbell rings. The date group card has arrived and reads “let’s bare our souls.” The lucky 14 are Brian, Marquel, Bradley, Craig, Brett, Patrick, Cody, Carl, Tasos, Josh, Ron, Marcus, Nick S. and Dylan. The guys brainstorm about the meaning of the word “bare” and discuss being naked, a thong and karaoke. Not one man focuses on the word “souls.” Nick S. is still wearing his beanie.
The guys are extremely excited about the date, but no one is as pumped as Craig! In fact, he is so super psyched that when his name is read he holds up his beer (definitely not his first that day) and bellows in his best gay frat boy voice “Here’s a cheers to that boys. Come on.” Craig is particularly excited about the possibility of getting naked and says “I hopes she loves me ‘cuz I love her.” He talks so loud and fast that sometimes a bit of spittle flies out of his mouth. His eyes are crazy wide and he needs to lay off the Adderall. Or take some. Not exactly sure.
The next day the fab 14 board a bus to the Ohm Nightclub in Hollywood. They arrive wearing hoodies, pants, knit hats (Nick S. loves that hat) and neon sneakers. All except for Cody who is wearing a tank and shorts. He is a personal trainer after all, and his white teeth and ability to push a limo up a hill are his best assets. Andi tells them they will be performing as male exotic dancers, (strippers) and raising money for Bachelor Gives Back, a random charity that was created by the producers who are pretty sure they are going to hell after scripting 28 seasons of this shit show.
The guys are divided into 3 groups based upon some man’s idea of every female’s sexual fantasy: army soldiers, firefighters and cowboys. I don’t know who came up with those categories, but most women I know would say that their sexual fantasies include a group of guys vacuuming the house, another group doing the dishes, and the third group folding the laundry. In addition to the 3 groups of faux fantasy strippers, there will be 2 solo acts: Nick S. will be a robot in a terrible tin foil looking robot suit and Marcus will be an aviator because according to Andi “he is hot and I want him to be top gun.”
The guys gather with their respective groups and practice their routines. The guys get spray tanned, change into banana hammocks and Dylan asks for lube.
While the cowboys rehearse, Craig focuses his attention on his new love interest Josh. He loudly exclaims “Josh is a stud. He’s kind of the full package.” Speaking of package, Craig feels inadequate about his when he puts on his booty shorts, so he has a producer fetch him a washcloth so he can “fill out his package…but not too much.” Good thinking Craig- you don’t want to scare off Josh, I mean Andi, with your big package.
Andi’s friends Kelly the dog lover and Sharleen the opera singer arrive for some unknown reason. They join Andi and the rest of the audience which is comprised of lonely women and Chris Harrison. Kelly and Sharleen bring no value whatsoever to this episode.
The show starts and everything goes off without a hitch. Well, except for one thing: After discarding his robot outfit, a thong clad Nick S. bends over and gives Andi and company a straight on view of his inner crack area and the back side of his balls. That is truly something no woman ever wants to see. Oh, and Chris Harrison smacks one of the firemen on the ass. No one wants to see that either.
In the end, Andi and the guys raise about $37 for Bachelor Gives Back.
No good stripper date would be complete without a nighttime activity and Andi, her suitors and her breasts (which are falling out of her dress) spend the evening getting to know each other. Someone needs to take Andi to Victoria’s Secret because she doesn’t seem to own a bra.
Brian is the first guy to spend alone time with Andi. She tells him that she was very impressed with his stripper act– so impressed that she says the word impressed 7 times in 23 seconds. At least she didn’t tell him “Staaahp.”
Josh is up next and he tells Andi that he doesn’t want to be stereotyped as a “typical athlete.” He also wants her to know that she is his type and that he hasn’t dated a girl in 5 years. That doesn’t include one night stands and random hookups. Josh’s face is very shiny and he could use someBare Minerals to blot the sheen.
Meanwhile, Craig is still drinking non-stop and starts running around the house in a drunken stupor looking for Andi. When he finally finds her he demands that they have some alone time. Andi recognizes that he is drunk, but indulges him by telling him that he can ask her anything. His question? “What is the worst thing about your parents.” But Craig is not phased by Andi’s lack of response or outward cringe. Instead, Craig goes back inside, pours himself a few more shots of Fireball, comes back outside and jumps in the pool fully clothed. Andi hears the ruckus coming from downstairs, is annoyed by the yelling and screaming, and is even more annoyed when she sees Craig in the pool. Craig makes his way out of the pool, loses his pants, staggers into the kitchen and pushes Patrick. At this point, the producers step in and take Craig back to the mansion to dry out, despite their role in letting him drink all day and night in the first place.
As if Craig’s drunken escapade wasn’t annoying enough, Andi goes on a teary rant, dropping “y’alls” all over the place, asking “How did this happen” and questioning whether the guys are here for the right reasons. Give me a break Andi; it was one drunk gay guy. Don’t act like you’ve never seen a drunk guy before. And please girl, saying “y’all” doesn’t make you a southern belle, so staaahp already.
Marcus swoops in and talks about his feelings. Andi calms down and Marcus gets the group date rose.
Chris One on One Date
Back at the mansion, the second solo date card arrives and the date goes to Farmer Chris, who seems like a really nice guy even though he’s missing his upper lip. The card reads “let’s get our love on track.” It should have read “let’s find your upper lip.” Farmer Chris is really excited because “Andi is my dream and I’m in this for the long haul.” He needs to get off the farm more often.
Farmer Chris arrives at the Santa Anita race track and finds Andi waiting for him dressed in a green dress that completely covers her breasts, and her hair pulled back in a formal bun. Andi describes her look as “40’s glam” and when Farmer Chris arrives in shorts and flip flops, she shows him to a dressing room where he can change into an appropriately ridiculous outfit for a race track. He comes out in a bow tie and suit that is 3 times too small. They walk around the track looking foolish at their attempt to pretend they are at the races in 1940. Sorry Andi, no matter how many times you point out the “sophisticated” buildings and the “glamour of the races”, you are not at a romantic locale; you are at the track. If you find the track romantic, you and Farmer Chris can go to OTB on your honeymoon.
Farmer Chris and Andi don’t want to sit with the riff raff who hang out at the track drinking out of a paper bag so they head indoors and sip mint juleps. Farmer Chris tells her he was engaged a few years ago to which she says “staaahp.” They are talking about finding great love when an old married couple who just so happens to be sitting next to them leans in and asks “How long have you known each other?” Does ABC really think we are that stupid? Is there anyone watching this show who actually believes that this old, married for 55 years couple just happened to be sitting there? Staaahp.
And at the end of the night, Farmer Chris gets the rose and of course, a private concert by a no name band. They dance to some random song, and even though there is no chemistry between them, they kiss. Farmer Chris is sweaty and hand-sy and paws at her like a big slobbery St. Bernard in a tight suit and bow tie. Farmer Chris leans in for a kiss and Andi squirms and bends at a 90 degree angle to get away from him. She gives him a few lame pecks on his lips in an attempt to satisfy him and says “I am so happy right now.” Does she not realize we can see her?
Andi arrives at the mansion and reminds the guys that she is there to fall in love. She says “y’all” 23 times. She spends some time with Nick V. and a plate of strawberries and they talk about what they are looking for in a relationship. Who cares? Next she talks to Marquel who is wearing an outfit that looks like he got dressed in the dark. I have no idea what he said to her because the noise from the clashing patterns on his shirt, tie and socks completely deafened me. Josh and his shiny face come over next and he is so smitten that he rambles on and on and can’t finish a sentence. He giggles like a little girl when he tells her he wants to get to know her, then next thing you know they are in each others arms, tongues interlocking, making Josh the second kiss of the season. Sorry Farmer Chris but that is what you call chemistry.
Next up is Craig. Poor, hungover, disgraced Craig wants to redeem himself so he pulls out a guitar and sings a little ditty that he wrote himself. It goes something like this:
I messed up last night
I had too much firefly (it’s Fireball, not firefly)
I bared my junk to 13 other guys
But I hope and pray that it’s alright
Oh Andi, Pleeeeeaasse let me stayyyyy!
Craig you must go.
Eric, Chris and Marcus all have roses and are safe. The remaining roses go to:
Ron (Hmmm, I wonder why he’s still here)
Dylan (pass the lube, my hair is starting to fall)
JJ (still don’t know what a pantsapreneur is)
Marquel (look to the mismatched shirt and tie)
Andrew (I miss Patrick)
Tasos (love those earrings. Not)
Josh (don’t judge me because my face is shiny)
Cody (pass the protein powder)
Nick V. (I got nothing)
Patrick (I miss Andrew)
Brian (is as exciting as watching paint dry)
Brett (don’t forgive the drunk guy but forgive the guy who stole a lamp)
Bradley (please staaahp singing)
Going home are:
Craig and his firefly,
Nick S. the anus exposing golfer and
Carl the overly tattooed firefighter.
Well y’all, that’s a wrap until next week when we will be treated to not one, but two nights of The Bachelorette. Two nights mean twice the fun, twice the drama and no sleep for me on Sunday and Monday night. You should avoid me at all costs on Tuesday.