By Denise Weiss
ANDI IS BACK AND SHEEEE’S OK
Hello rose lovers and welcome to Season 10 of The Bachelorette. Join me as we follow beautiful, smart, sassy Andi Dorfman on her journey to find love. Andi has finally committed to one hair color, and is therefore ready to commit to one man for the rest of her life.
By was of introduction, we start with last year’s footage of “Badass Assistant District Attorney Andi” on the job, looking around fences and taking pictures of graffiti . Andi has worked hard achieving her career goals and loves her job so much that she is willing to abandon it for the second time in hopes that the man of her dreams is the kind of guy who signs up for a reality show for all the right reasons. Note to Andi: some women actually have a career and find husbands at the same time. Some of them are even lawyers. Just sayin’. Andi speaks of finding love and says “I don’t need it, but I want it enough to go get it.” That is how I feel about wine.
This is not the time to dwell on a wasted law school education; this is Andi’s shot at love and she is willing to leave behind her profession AND her family to find the man of her dreams. She says a quick goodbye to her Mom and Dad and promises them that “the next time you see me, there will be two guys.” Just what every Jewish father wants to hear from his daughter who just quit her prestigious lawyer job.
Andi leaves Atlanta and arrives in Los Angeles and is all smiles as she drives up the coast in a convertible with her hair blowing in the wind. She goes on a shopping extravaganza where she tries on hats, a few ugly shirts and slathers on some lipgloss. Once she is done making duck faces at herself in the mirror, it is time for a real photo shoot in front of a bookcase of law books, thus honoring the profession she has abandoned. When she is done with her photo shoots, Andi walks on the beach wearing the same white crochet shorts she was wearing when she basically told Juan Pablo to go f*** himself last season.
Andi drives up to her new home where Chris Harrison greets her, opens the car door and offers to carry her stuff inside. Then he leaves. Chris has no interest in talking to Andi about what she is looking for in a husband or reminiscing about her experience with Juan Pablo. Nope, he just drops her shit in the hallway and takes off. Apparently Chris Harrison is this season’s bellhop.
Andi’s sister appears moments later for some moral support. The sister (either she doesn’t have a name or Andi forgot it now that she’s out in LA) and has abandoned her career and family. The nameless sister wants to know how many guys Andi is going to kiss, and tells her to dump the lousy kissers because everyone knows that lousy kissers make lousy husbands. Andi agrees that she is going to kiss a lot of guys, which is her way of justifying in advance that she will be behaving like a slut for the next 2 months. They giggle, she tries on an unflattering gold lame dress, then the no name sister leaves.
Andi takes her spot on the wetted down driveway at the mansion and waits for the first limo to arrive. There is no pep talk from Chris Harrison or introductory footage of any of the guys playing with their dog. There is no time to waste because the first limo is pulling up to the mansion.
First out is Marcus, who is very nervous, says he has a lot to offer and says he wants Andi to keep him forever. Who wouldn’t want forever after meeting someone for a whopping 23 seconds, right? Andi thinks Marcus is hot.
Chris is a farmer from Iowa. ZZZZZzzzzzz.
JJ, wears a bow tie, is a pantsapreneur (huh? what?) and is on a “love quest” which is somehow different than a “journey” to find love. He is wearing a bow tie and looks like Bill Nye the Science Guy.
Marquel from Las Vegas. He is wearing a pink and white checkered shirt and has a great smile.
Tasos, whose pants are too short, is a Wedding Event Coordinator who loves to travel and wants to replicate Lover’s Bridge in Paris, but settles for locking a lock on the gate at the mansion. He then throws key in the pond and they make a wish. Hopefully the key didn’t kill an innocent koi fish.
Cody is a personal trainer who pretends to push the broken down limo up the driveway. He looks like Sean Lowe on steroids. His jacket collar is turned up like Crockett from Miami Vice. I feel roid rage coming on in the next few weeks.
Steven is a 30 year old Snowboard Product Developer which means that he gets high and snowboards. He says he is “stoked” to meet Andi, thus confirming the getting high part of his job. Really dude? Stoked? SMH.
Next out is Rudie, a 31 year old lawyer who decides that he’s going to use some “fun attorney humor.” Uh Rudie, for the record, there is no such thing as fun attorney humor. I rest my case.
Carl is a firefighter from Florida. He gave her a blue ball thing.
Dr. Jason is a blonde moppy headed goober doctor with the worst pick-up line ever- he tells her that he can diagnose her as having fever because she looks so hot. Dr. Jason needs to work on his limo-side manner and get a hair cut.
Nick V. is 33 years old and is wearing a polka dot tie. They talk about the polka dot tie at length. Talking about the polka dot tie is the extent of their conversation.
Dylan is an accountant from Boston who is nervous just being near Andi and looks a little sweaty. Maybe he’s just wearing too much hair gel. Time will tell.
Patrick kicks a soccer ball over the fence. We get the symbolism.
Emil, 33, is a helicopter pilot who tells Andi that his name is pronounced like “anal with an M.” I’m just going to call him Anal, forget the “M.” I’m wondering if Andi will have Anal in the fantasy suite. Let the anal jokes begin.
Brett is a hairdresser (is that a mullet?) whose mother always told him never go on a date empty handed, so he came out of the limo with a lamp that he stole from his hotel. Brett is the second guy wearing a bow tie, and looks like a fool dragging his stolen lamp across the mansion driveway. Brett’s mom is probably at home yelling at the TV “I meant a box of chocolates or a nice babka, not a lamp you fool.”
Craig is a tax accountant who got out of the limo and sprayed champagne up in the air. Craig seems to be a little light in the loafers, and I am downright angry that he wasted a perfectly good bottle of champagne.
Ron is from Nashville. He is soft spoken and looks fabulous in a checkered purple and white shirt. He seems too classy for this show.
Bradley, 32, is an opera singer who looks like a nerdier Clark Kent. Just what we need this season- another opera singer.
Josh B. is from Denver, is blonde and is the third guy to show up in a checkered shirt. He may still be in high school.
Nick S. rides up in a golf cart because, well, he is a professional golfer, that’s why.
Brian is a 27 year old basketball coach from Camp Hill, Pennsylvania, which from the looks of Brian is probably one of the dullest places on earth. He asks Andi if his tie is straight.
Andrew is a Social Media Marketer and is the 4th guy to show up in a checkered shirt, which leads me to believe that there was a big sale on checkered shirts at The Men’s Wearhouse.
Mike, who likes to be called Camps, is a bartender from Utah who looks like a cross between Dr. Jason, Thor and a Geico Caveman.
Eric is an explorer and had the best intro of all the guys when he gave Andi dolls from Peru. Sadly, Eric passed away due to injuries sustained from a paragliding accident shorty after leaving the show. ABC has dedicated this season to him. He seemed like a good guy. Rest in peace Eric.
Last but not least, Josh M., a Former Pro Baseball Player from of all places, Atlanta, Georgia steps out of the limo. He has a big dazzling smile.
In summary, there are lots of checkered shirts, a few bow ties and a lamp.
We head into the mansion and the guys cheer and toast Andi when she walks in the room. She says she “feels it” and knows from experience that her husband is in this room. Experience? What experience? She certainly can’t be talking about her last experience with Mr. EEEEES OK?
Now is the time for the men to turn into little girls and whine and snivel while they wait for their turn to talk to Andi. Chris reminds Andi that she has a First Impression Rose to hand out.
The first one on one time is with Josh M. from Atlanta, with his good looks, southern accent, giant smile and great tan. He tells her he is “the whole package.” Andi says that he is her type and he promises to eat sushi with her.
Next up is Marquel, who is black, has been quite busy in the kitchen and has brought out a large platter of assorted cookies for a cookie tasting. He feeds her one cookie, then paws through all the rest until he finds the one he is looking for. Any guess which one he chooses? The black and white cookie. He tells her to “look to the black and white cookie”, and with that the metaphors begin. They split the black and white cookie and Andi thinks that he has swag. I hope for Andi’s sake that he doesn’t also have hepatitis; after all, he touched every cookie and then fed them to her. Andi should go find Dr. Jason and ask for an antibiotic just to be safe.
While Andi and the guys are inside getting to know each other, outside on the mansion driveway Chris Bukowski from Emily’s season/Bachelor Pad is standing in front of the catering services tent holding a bouquet of roses and demanding that he be allowed to crash Andi’s party. One of the producers heads into the mansion to get Chris Harrison, while a security guard confiscates the roses and escorts Chris B. to a folding chair and tells him to sit. Chris B. says he should have gone in through the back entrance. Funny, that’s exactly what Anal said.
Chris Harrison returns shortly with the news that Andi has zero interest in having Chris B. join the party- after all, it’s not really fair to her 25 new boyfriends, now is it? Chris B. refuses to leave and whines/lies that he has been at the mansion for the past 7 days just waiting for Andi to show up. Are we to believe that Chris B. has been camped out in a sleeping bag on the mansion driveway for the past 7 days? More likely Chris waited 7 minutes from the time the producers called him and told him to grab the roses and head on over. Chris B. goes toe to toe with Chris Harrison until a big, arms crossed guard shoots Chris B. the evil eye, thus sending Chris B. back into anonymity until Bachelor Paradise premiers this summer.
Back inside the mansion, Chris the farmer is telling Andi all about life on the farm. Andi tells Farmer Chris that she would love that lifestyle because she loves outdoor stuff and scenery. Her words may say “farm living is the life for me,” but her face says “you want me to get up at 4:30 am to pick what?” Even Farmer Chris doesn’t believe that Andi is interested in leaving the big city for a life picking corn and soy beans.
Tasos impresses Andie by asking for a glass of juice with ice in French. Marcus tells Andi that he is Texas born but European raised and speaks German and Polish. She is impressed that he is so…worldy. Uh, Andi, I think the word you are looking for is MUNDO. Speaking of mundo, the opera singer is standing in the middle of the room singing opera. Please stop.
Nick V. continues to impress Andi with his polka dot tie. Andi feels an immediate connection and attraction to Nick V., and gives him the first impression rose.
Meanwhile, in another room, Patrick and Andrew are talking about their love of race cars. They move closer to each other on the couch and stare into each others eyes. Andrew says that Patrick is well dressed and very suave. Patrick agrees that he and Andrew are “a little bit on a different level than some of the other guys.” They fist bump and are so happy to have found each other. I smell a bromance.
Finally, it’s time for the rose ceremony. Andi thanks the guys for a great night, and for her new lamp.
Roses go to:
1. JJ (Bill Nye the Science Guy)
2. Eric (may he rest in peace)
3. Marquel (I hope you saved some of those cookies for me)
4. Craig (I will stick around until you figure out that I am gay)
5. Tasos (male wedding event planner making Andi’s gaydar ping)
6. Josh M (my tan, my hair, my smile…I am the complete package baby)
7. Brian (who?)
8. Bradley (has anyone seen Sharleen)
9. Marcus (Andi thinks I’m hot)
10. Andrew (where is Patrick)
11. Patrick (has anyone seen Andrew)
12. Ron (see, she really digs black guys)
13. Carl (I don’t even remember him at this point)
14. Chris (Green Acres is the place to be)
15. Dylan (I’m really good with numbers)
16. Brett (I Love Lamp)
17. Cody (don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry)
18. Nick S. (fore!)
19. Nick V. (I’m not that good looking but I still got the first impression rose)
Going home are:
1. Rudie the lawyer who was convinced they were going to get married and have kids;
2. Dr. Jason who reflects on what he did wrong. Let’s start with the hair, then we can discuss the “you have fever because you’re hot” line;
3. Mike/Camps/Thor who needs to get a haircut and take Dr. Jason with him;
4. Steven who was really stoked a few hours earlier and will probably get stoked again at the airport;
5. Emil a/k/a Anal with an M. I am most disappointed about Anal leaving because I was just getting started with the anal jokes. It’s too bad she didn’t want to give anal another try–she just might like it if she gave it, I mean him, a chance;
6. Josh B. who goes on an angry, drunken “first night reject” rant and claims his friends made him go on the show, drops an f-bomb, and then says the most intelligent, spot-on thing that any contestant has ever muttered in the history of the show: “This Is Stupid.”
Andi raises her glass and toasts the remaining 19 men by exclaiming “cheers to all of y’all.” I can tell that all the “y’alls” are going to get on my nerves. Oh well, eeees OK.