By Denise Weiss
Hello rose lovers and welcome to part 2 of last week’s two night Bachelorette special. Sorry you had to wait so long for this recap, but I wanted you to have something to look forward to during this week’s Bachelorette’s hiatus. And I was really busy with my job, 3 kids and husband. I promise to make it up to you next week.
We say goodbye to California and head east to “beautiful and exotic Connecticut.” Andi is excited about falling in love in New England, with its white picket fences and sailboats. Seriously Andi? You are wearing a scarf and gloves and a jacket and are in Uncasville, Connecticut, which is in the middle of nowhere and is hardly “New England.”
The 13 remaining guys arrive at Mohegan Sun which is the nicest hotel Farmer Chris has ever stayed in, thus proving that Farmer Chris needs to get off the farm more often. The guys run around the suite, cuddle on the couch, jump on the bed and get in the bathtub together. They are so busy feeling each other up in the bathtub that they don’t notice that there is a date card in the room. Chris Harrison is so not into Connecticut that he doesn’t even bother to show up.
Dylan One on One
The first one on one date goes to Hair Gel Dylan and the card reads “Our Relationship Is Picking Up Steam.” Andrew Andrew the Gambling Man once again gives 50/50 odds on Hair Gel getting a rose. Wow Andrew, maybe you should head down to the lobby and play roulette with those odds. Hair Gel Dylan is from Massachusetts and is excited to be going out with Andi in his backyard.
Dylan and Andi meet up and discover that their date is a ride on the Essex Steam Train up the Connecticut River. That means that their date will consist of sitting on a train and looking out the window for hours. Here in New York we call that “commuting.”
Andi says “Dylan and I’s relationship is probably going to take a turn today and pick up steam.” Dylan and I’s? Did she just say “Dylan and I’s?” 4 years of college and 3 years of law school and she says “Dylan and I’s?” Not to mention the cheesy steam metaphor. The conductor calls “All Aboard” which is completely unnecessary since there are only 2 of them, but they climb aboard, blow the whistle and they are off! Chugga chugga choo choo!!
As they ride along, Dylan looks out the window and comments that the view is awesome. Seriously Dylan- the view is awesome? I think you have too much gel in your eyes– It is March in Connecticut after the worst winter in a katrillion years and “the view” consists of the back of people’s houses, bare trees and brown dead grass. NOT awesome.
Dylan and Andi talk about dates and relationships but mostly stare out the window in silence. Yawn. Dylan confesses that he was in an 8 year relationship and was hurt when he found out that his ex got engaged the day after his brother’s funeral. This is the opening that Dylan has been waiting for since he arrived at the mansion full of hope and hair gel – his opportunity to open up and tell Andi about his siblings’ tragic deaths. Instead, he stares out the window in silence and wishes he was still back at the mansion opening up to Farmer Chris.
When Andi and Dylan are finished sitting in silence, they change their clothes and walk 20 feet to another train car so they can sit down and have dinner in silence. Andi wants to see the real Dylan sooner rather than later, which means Ole Hair Gel better start talking or he is going to start packing. She presses him about his family and he finally opens up. He shares the story about his sister and brother overdosing on drugs. He cries. She cries. I cry. Everyone is crying. There is nothing funny about this AT ALL. Neither of them eat their chicken.
Dylan finally stops crying and tells Andi that he wants someone in his life that he can talk to about these kinds of things. She picks up the rose. He tells her not to give him the rose out of pity. She tells him that it is not a pity rose, but we all know that despite the fact that she would prefer to jump from the train than have to watch Hair Gel cry any longer, there is NO WAY he’s not getting that rose. Hair Gel Dylan gets the rose and cries some more. In an attempt to make him feel better, Andi tells him she has one more surprise for him and takes him to the engine room to blow the whistle. Didn’t they already blow the whistle when they got on the train? What kind of crappy surprise is that?
Back at Mohegan Sun– “Knock Knock, Who’s There?” Why it’s the random hallway coffee table making its debut outside the suite door! On it is the Group Date card that reads ”Who’s got Game?”
Andi has been reading up on some useless information and tells the guys that New England is where basketball was invented. And since there is absolutely NOTHING else to do within a 30 mile radius of Mohegan Sun, JJ Pants Guy, Farmer Chris, Andrew Andrew the Gambling Man, Eric, Nick, Marquel, Cody, Tasos, Brian, Patrick and Josh are going to spend their Group Date playing basketball at the Mohegan Sun Arena.
Brian the high school basketball coach is psyched because he is in his element. Hopefully Brian’s “element” is better than Opera Man’s element because we all know how that ended for him. Farmer Chris is not looking forward to being on a group date because has never been on a date with 10 other guys. 10 cows yes, 10 guys no. Andi and the guys toss around the ball until five very tall, very buff women from the WNBA arrive, open up a can of whoop ass and wipe the floor with the guys. In an attempt to save them from any further humiliation from a bunch of girls, Andi suggests that the guys form 2 teams who will play against each other and the winning team will get night time dates while the losers take the ride of shame up the elevator back to the suite to sulk in the tub together.
ABC’s budget only allowed for one team to have printed shirts, so Nick, Cody, Andrew, Eric, Marquel and Brian get printed jerseys for their team “The Rosebuds.” The other team, “The Five of Hearts” (JJ, Patrick, Chris, Josh, Tasos and Andrew) drew hearts on their inside out shirts with black sharpie.
At halftime the game is tied at 6-6, which means these guys suck. Coach Brian turns it up the second half and The Rosebuds win! Team Inside Out Shirts with Sharpie Hearts spends the next 3 hours sulking and going through the 5 stages of loss in the losers’ locker room. JJ Pants Guy is so upset and shamed that he actually stuffs himself into a locker. Josh stares into space and repeats “I hate losing.” Tasos thinks they should have won because they tried harder- Tasos is the reason why we have to stop giving kids trophies just for showing up. JJ Pants Guy cries because he can hear the winning team celebrating in the locker room next door. The WNBA ladies went to the nearest 7-11 to pick up a box of tampons for JJ Pants Guy.
The losers head up to the suite and whine to Marcus, as if he cares. The winning team sprays champagne all over the locker room. What a waste of good champagne.
Andi and Eric have a one on one conversation about the stall in their relationship and the formality of this process. He talks about his love for his family and tells her he was raised mormon until he was 26. Their spark is reignited. Or so it seems.
Brian takes Andi back to the court and teaches her some layup techniques, which is pretty impressive considering she is wearing a tight black leather dress and heels. Andi finds Basketball Brian sexy and HOT and challenges him to make a half court shot, WHICH HE MAKES!! Andi is so turned on by Brian that she says “staaaahp” and practically has an orgasm right there on the court. I mean, she is really turned on. Despite Andi’s repeated overt moves towards Brian with her tongue hanging out, Coach Brian fails to read Andi’s “make out with me” signals and misses his opportunity. Instead of ending the night all hot and bothered, Andi goes back upstairs and makes out with Nick.
Nick may have gotten the kiss, but the group date rose goes to the “MVP on the court and off the court”- Brian. Nick has a crazed look in his eyes and Brian better watch out.
Marcus One on One
Marcus’ date card reads “The Sky’s The Limit” and since both of them are afraid of heights, they of course will be rappelling off the side of Mohegan Sun. In 50 mph winds. Because no Bachelor/Bachelorette season would be complete without conquering your fears,right? Hell no, I would shit myself.
Here’s the date in a nutshell:
Andi freaks out and refuses to rappel down the building;
Marcus is a man so he steps off the building and hangs at floor 29 coaxing her to step off the building;
Andi eventually steps over the side of the building;
At floor 28 Marcus asks Andi if her mother plays mah jong;
At floor 25, Marcus tells her that she looks beautiful, even though she has snot running down her face;
At floor 20 they rappel past the guys’ suite and Marcus asks for a kiss;
Andi says no to the kiss;
They make it to the bottom.
Night falls and it’s time for dinner at the oldest inn in America, The Griswold Inn. Andi really is full of useless information isn’t she. They toast to trust and conquering fears. Marcus opens up and tells Andi that a girl broke his heart and that he hasn’t dated in three years. The rose on the table is so distracting to Marcus (he calls it the “elephant in the room”) that he covers the rose with his napkin. He should have put salt, pepper and water over it first like I do with a plate of french fries.
Andi tells him that he surpassed all her expectations and Marcus gets the rose. Wow, talk about low expectations. He whispers “I’m so addicted” and she drags him to a somewhat empty room for a not private concert by some country singer no one has ever heard of. They stand on a small platform in middle of the room and dance and kiss. And then this is where things go bad for Marcus because at that moment he leans in and tells her he is falling in love with her. YIKES! The L word on the first date. Everyone knows you don’t drop the L word on the first date. It won’t be long before you are sent packing so “Bye Bye Marcus!”
Before Andi can get into her gold disco ball gown, the concierge delivers a love letter from a secret admirer. Dum dum dum!
At the cocktail party, JJ Pants Guy is wearing red pants, Tasos gets some alone time, Brian takes Andi back to the court and kisses her, and Marquel lets Andi choke him under the guise of teaching her self defense.
While Marquel has his head happily nestled between her breasts, Eric walks in and interrupts. He says he woke up sick about the pace of the relationship and is upset with her because “I came on to meet a person, not a TV actress.” He says he sees 2 sides of Andi, and tells her that she has a poker face. Oh SNAP!
Andi gets all kinds of angry, cries and yells “I work my ass off and stay up late so that everyone knows that I’m here for them…You have no idea how exhausted I am.” Andi is so offended that she thinks it’s best if he leaves. They bid each other a tense goodbye and Eric heads out front and leaves Mohegan Sun in a cab.
Instead of cutting back to the rose ceremony, ABC devotes the final 15 minutes to Chris Harrison and Andi talking about Eric. At first I thought Andi was sincere, but then she looked distracted and started making duck faces.
So, goodbye Eric, and a much less significant goodbye to Tasos who hopefully will still agree to be Andi’s wedding coordinator.
My only commentary of the Eric/Andi fight is that had Eric not died, more people would have called him out on being needy and insecure. It was like Eric forgot he wasn’t the only one there. Instead, Andi is the bad guy because she yelled at the guy who soon after died and made him leave.
Oh, and the “recap” episode this past week was stupid and a complete waste of time.
The next episode is this Monday (June 16th at 8:00) at during which time I will be flying down south for college orientation (my daughter’s not mine). I am hoping I can pick up some “y’alls” while I am down there. I will have my recap finished and posted by Tues night or Wed.
See ya next week y’all!