By Denise Weiss
NO CAMPING TRIP IS COMPLETE WITHOUT 2 VIRGINS, CRAZY DRUNKS, AND A BUMP ON A LOG
Yee haw! It’s week 4 and we can now officially confirm that Farmer Chris has zero personality. The show must go on, so Chris Harrison arrives at the mansion and reminds the girls that Farmer Chris is here to find a wife. They need this little reminder because they are all dimwits. Chris Harrison then tells them that there will be 3 dates this week- 2 group dates and 1 one-on-one date. But, wait, there is a twist! No, not Jimmy Kimmel again; rather, Chris’s three sisters will be arriving shortly and will choose the lucky recipient of the one on one date.
Before he leaves, Chris Harrison drops the first group date card on the table. It reads “Let’s do what feels natural.” The girls are worried sick that they will have to go someplace without their makeup on since they aren’t smart enough to realize that “natural” might have something to do with “nature.” Kaitlyn, Samantha, Juelia, Teen Mom Mackenzie, Kelsey, Megan, Ashley Onion and Ashley Eyelashes get ready for the date by fixing their hair and performing random lice checks on each other. When they are fully dressed in their bikinis, cover-ups and unbuttoned denim shorts, they hop into 2 convertibles and they are off! Ashley Eyelashes thinks that driving a car is one of the sexiest things a guy can do. If she thinks driving is sexy, just wait until she sees one take out the garbage.
First Group Date
They pull up to a body of water and Farmer Chris introduces them to the lake. Megan describes it as beautiful, blue and sparkly, showing off her much improved vocabulary since her arrival at the mansion. The girls quickly strip down and squeal as they run into the lake and frolic in the water. Farmer Chris is happy watching the girls swim in the lake because it will show him how they react in nature. As opposed to watching them swim in a pool, which is an entirely different thing.
Ashley Eyelashes is very shy, as evidenced by her american flag bikini, dangling magic lamp belly button ring and open mouth, face sucking kisses. She says she wants to break out of her shell around Farmer Chris, and what better way to do that then to take off her bikini top? Not to be outdone, Kaitlyn removes her bottoms and shows Farmer Chris her bare ass. Fortunately for us she brought Jillian’s black box of shame on the date with her. This behavior is too much for Kelsey who feels that the date is stupid and says “this date is for bimbos.” Correction Kelsey, this show is for bimbos. Kelsey throws around words like appropriate, dignity and respect as if they have any place on this show. Kelsey chooses to ignore everyone and work on her tan instead.
As soon as everyone is fully dressed again, the ladies come out of the lake and play Red Rover, which, after all, is the best way to become one with nature. Kelsey is a lake snob who continues to complain about the date. She is unhappy about being in a “dingy pond” and misses the beautiful lakes of Michigan. She complains that she has to smile all the time and just wants to leave this “hell hole” date. As if her day couldn’t get any worse, a California bee who took offense to being second to Michigan stings her in her vagina.
You can never get too close to nature, and the date continues into the night with a camp out sleepover. How many single desperate women does it take to pitch a tent you ask? Kaitlyn and Megan get their tent erected in about 3 seconds, and Megan is so proud that she turns to Farmer Chris and shows him her camel toe. Ashley Eyelashes and Teen Mom Mackenzie, however, have trouble getting their tent up because, well, in case you didn’t hear, Ashely Eyelashes is a virgin. In fact, she is a camping virgin who is a virgin camper. It took her all day to come up with that line.
Later that night, Farmer Chris and Megan grill up some dinner while the other women rummage through the cooler looking for alcohol. While they are digging, they find the group rose under the raw chicken. This discovery reminds them why they are there (see, you have to keep reminding this bunch of women that they are there because the Farmer wants to take a wife). They then scramble to get some alone time with Farmer Chris. Kaitlyn goes first and says she is in her element out in nature. I can see that because camping is very similar to teaching in a dance studio. Kaitlyn tells Farmer Chris that she doesn’t want him to buy her anything; she just needs his words. He says “good because I wasn’t going to buy you anything anyway.” No, actually he tells her that he is a touchy feely guy. They have a natural connection so of course, they kiss. That’s #1.
Kelsey is still complaining about the dumb date and pouts until Farmer Chris shows up. They go off together and she tells him about being stung by the angry bee. Then she asks if they are seriously spending the night in the tents. Meanwhile, the other girls talk how fake she acts around Farmer Chris. Ashely Eyelashes calls Kelsey a phony baloney which is funny coming from the girl with spiders for eyelashes.They sit around the campfire and guzzle Fireball straight from the bottle. These women are truly one with nature.
Ashley Onion gets drunk, hiccups and starts singing made up songs and chanting tribal chants. Just when you thought Ashley Onion’s craziness was enough for one campfire, Teen Mom Mackenzie starts talking about aliens again. Ashley Onion sits with Farmer Chris and whispers nonsense, including the question “What are you?” Farmer Chris looks somewhat perplexed. Onion whispers to herself, looks up at the full moon and babbles more nonsense. Then she suddenly leans in and kisses him. Farmer Chris is startled by the kiss, but it’s actually the most normal thing Onion has done since she arrived. That’s #2. But normal time is over and Onion tells Chris “I really love you, and I love everything about you.” Onion then says she wants her love to resonate in his mind all night. Chris’s mind resonates the fact that Ashely Onion could murder him in his sleep and dump his body far, far off into the woods, never to be seen again. For his own safety, Farmer Chris should refuse to sleep anywhere near that girl.
With Ashley Onion back in her tent, it’s time for Ashley Eyelashes to reapply her lip gloss and tarantula-leg lashes, and have a crack at Farmer Chris. She tells him she never likes guys early on and that she doesn’t have a lot of experience with men. Then she insults all middle school girls by saying that she used to carry a lunch box and had a unibrow in 6th grade. She leans in and passionately sucks what little amount of lips he has. That’s #3.
Eventually, the campfire goes out, the Fireball is finished and the group date rose goes to Kaitlyn who is startled awake at the sound of her name. She is happy and admits that she is drunk. Somewhere in the darkness Ashely Onion is wearing a white hockey mask and carrying a machete.
Ashley Eyelashes is mad, mad, mad that she didn’t get the rose and decides she is going to give Farmer Chris a piece of her mind by telling him that she is a virgin who has never had a boyfriend. That should really shake him up. She sneaks into his tent in the middle of the night, wakes him up and says “I want you to know that I am innocent.” Basically she wants him to know that she is not a whore just because she takes off her bathing suit top and dry humps him and sucks his face off every time she sees him. She thinks that alluding to being a virgin is the best way to help Farmer Chris read between the lines and figure out that “I am innocent and never had a boyfriend” means “I am a virgin.” Let me give you a little advice on men Ashely Eyelashes; they don’t read between the lines. They just don’t. A woman will analyze everything you say, and you can successfully allude to things when you are talking to a group of girls. Men, on the other hand, are completely different creatures. If there is something you want a man to know, you have to tell him straight out, in as few words as possible. You see, men have very short attention spans and selective hearing, and when you talk to them all they hear is Charlie Brown’s teacher saying “wah wah wah.” Unless of course you say “let’s have sex,” then they clearly hear every word even if they are on the other side of town.
After alluding to her virginity, Ashley Eyelashes is satisfied that she got her point across and that Farmer Chris knows she is wife material. Ashley Eyelashes points out that if Farmer Chris is at all confused about what she said, then “he can probe that area later if he wants.” Uh Ashley Eyelashes, probing your area is exactly the sort of thing he can’t do if you successfully got your point across. Then she shoves her tongue down his throat again, further helping him understand that she is very innocent. She is confident that she got her point across. I am confident that he got nothing, and he just wants to go back to sleep.
Jade’s One on One Cinderella Date
Back at the mansion, Carly, Becca, Whitney, Britt, Jade and Jillian wait for Chris’s sisters to arrive. These girls weren’t lucky enough to be invited to play Duck, Duck, Goose at the lake, so they sit around and wait. All except Jillian who isn’t actually waiting as much as she is sleeping at the pool. And snoring. And drooling. Her black box is lounging on the chair next to her.
Chris’s sisters finally arrive, and much to my surprise (and disappointment) they aren’t wearing overalls and straw hats. Someone is nice enough to wake Jillian up from her slumber, and she wipes the drool from her face, slaps the black box on her ass and runs in to meet Marsha, Jan and Cindy.
The Brady girls “interview” each of the ladies to determine who should get the coveted one on one date. Whitney goes first and breaks their eardrums with her annoying high pitched voice. Britt brags that she is the frontrunner in the house, and Becca swears that she wants nothing more out of life than to move to Iowa. Jillian still has towel marks on her face, Jade plays the part of a small town girl who moved to LA to model and there’s another girl who says something but I can’t remember what she said or who she is.
Last but not least, Carly gets her turn. She tells the Brady sisters that she has never had a guy be nice to her, and that she wants a love like the one her grandparents had. She says that she wants Farmer Chris to be like her grandpa. Or did she say she wants him to be her grandpa? I don’t know, but either way I’m sure Farmer Chris can turn Carly on by pulling a few Werther’s out of his pockets.
Eventually the sisters make their decision and Jade gets a shimmery gold date card that reads “your presence is requested at a royal ball tomorrow evening, from 8 pm until the last stroke of midnight. SHHHHH it’s a secret, the prince doesn’t know you are coming.” Jade is very happy and even cries about potentially becoming the first brunette Brady girl.
The nature girls have returned from the wild and Jillian informs them about Jade’s date and the fancy golden date card. Ashley Eyelashes is mad, mad, mad again because “I am a Disney Princess and that date should have been mine God dammit!” Out of nowhere, a crazy woman with pink hair storms into the mansion and loudly calls Jade’s name over and over again. She is accompanied by an entourage of hair, makeup and wardrobe people, and someone who looks like a rabbi. They whisk Jade to the “transformation” room which is full of dresses, gowns, jewelry and gorgeous glass shoes. The girls ooh and ahh and Jade is especially pleased when she learns that she gets to keep the Neil Lane diamond earrings and Louboutin shoes.
If looks could kill, Jade would be six feet under and Ashley Eyelashes-Drizella would be singing with the mice and birdies who helped her get dressed for the ball. But Ashley Eyelashes-Drizella is just going to have to accept that this is Jade’s date. There is no better way to rub salt in Eyelashes-Drizella’s wound than by showing a clip of the upcoming Cinderella movie. Shameless plug #1. Jade watches the clip of the upcoming Cinderella movie which is supposed to get her in the mood for her date. It doesn’t. Shameless plug #2.
After hours of prepping, she is finally ready for her date. Jade comes down the stairs wearing a blue dress with big front pockets. The dress looks like Jade wrapped herself in the drapes. Jade gets in the white Rolls Royce (what no stagecoach?) and is whisked away to meet Prince Farming on her Cinderella date. Ashley Eyelashes gets madder, madder, madder and decides to takes things into her own hands.
While Farmer Chris waits for his unknown date to arrive, he preps by waltzing with the air. He is not very graceful. After he is finished dancing around, he says that he hopes this date is the beginning of a “lifelong fairy tale.” Seriously Farmer Chris, what guy says that? Real men don’t say “lifelong fairy tale” when they are talking about a date…or ever!
When Farmer Chris first sees Jade, she is standing at the top of a very long staircase, and a huge smile spreads across his face as he thinks to himself “I have no idea which one that is.” Then he remembers she is the loosey goosey chick who hopped in his bed with her heels and silk robe. This thought makes his smile even bigger and it looks like his face is going to break open. As Jade walks down the long staircase, I find myself hoping she will trip and go head over ass down the stairs. Does that make me a bad person?
After a commercial for the upcoming Cinderella movie (shameless plug #3), Farmer Chris and Jade eat dinner and talk. We learn that they were both engaged but they were both young at the time and who cares? Jade talks about how she lived in a small town in Nebraska and how hard it has been for her to make friends in LA. Jade plays the small town girl card, smiles a lot, compliments his biceps and gets the rose.
Once dinner is over, Chis announces he has another surprise for her. The big surprise? They are going to dance on a platform while an orchestra plays the score to the Cinderella movie which just so happens is playing on a big screen next to them. They kiss. That’s #4. The clock strikes midnight and down the stairs Jade runs. Despite the Cinderella theme, Jade manages to keep both shoes safely on her feet- she’s no dummy and there is no way she is leaving one Louboutin behind. Farmer Chris says “tonight was magical.” Again, something real men don’t say.
Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Ashley Eyelashes is having a psychotic break from reality. She puts on one of her own gowns, calls it a “princess dress” and hosts a ball of her own. Princess Virgin’s ball consists of sitting by herself, eating corn on the cob and drinking wine in front of a wilted rose. Ashley Eyelashes’ corn eating ball gets more airtime than Farmer Chris and Jade’s actual date.
Second Group Date
The next date card arrives and asks Jillian, Becca, Whitney, Carly, Britt and Nikki “Let’s get dirty.” They run outside to find 6 big white boxes containing wedding dresses. They don their dresses and hop on a plane to San Fransisco where they will be competing in a mud run in their wedding dresses to raise money for MS. That’s not at all weird, but the winner gets a one on one date with Farmer Chris later that night so game on!
The course looks like a broken down set of Wipeout, and this date was all but tailor made for Jillian who, of course, takes the lead right away. The other girls don’t stand a chance and Jillian leaves them in the dust and completes the course with ease. Carly is bitter and comments that Jillian should be wearing a tuxedo instead of a dress and her penis is bigger than Chris’s. If this Bachelor thing doesn’t work out for Jillian, she should head to Vegas and see if she can qualify for the first round of American Ninja Warrior.
Farmer Chris can’t keep up with Jillian either, so he spends his time helping the other girls complete the race. Britt eventually finishes second and hocks up a loogie as soon as she crosses the finish line. The other girls eventually cross the finish line, and they win a date with a hose to shower off their muddy dresses.
Jillian and Farmer Chris enjoy their nighttime date on a rooftop in San Fransisco. Farmer Chris makes a huge mistake by asking Jillian about her 5 year plan, because Jillian doesn’t fucking have one and he’s lucky that she doesn’t pummel him just for asking that question! After that, things go downhill fast as Jillian talks NON-STOP about herself. At first Farmer Chris is happy that he doesn’t have to talk, but eventually confesses that her non-stop talking makes him confused because her words are coming out faster than his brain can process them. He admits that he has no idea what Jillian is saying and is thinking of unicorns and fairies instead of listening. Again, something real men don’t say. The final nail in Jillian’s coffin comes when she asks Farmer Chris “would you rather have sex with a homeless girl who talks to her own reflection or abstain from sex for five years.” At that point Farmer Chris picks up the rose, looks at Jillian and nicely tells her “I am looking for a wife… and we have zero chemistry.” Jillian looks shocked and tells him she’s nervous which is why she is rambling. He pretty much says too bad. She picks him up over her head and flings him off the top of the building. No, just kidding. He gives her a hug, puts her in the elevator and we all say goodbye to Jillian. I think I will miss the black box most of all.
It’s cocktail party time! Megan grabs him first, pulls him aside and pulls a blindfold out from between her breasts. She tells Farmer Chris that they are going to play a game called “Guess Which of the 5 Senses you are using even though you are only using 3.” The 3 senses he will be using, explains Megan, are “taste, smell and you know, whatever the other one is.” I would say she is as dumb as a box of rocks, but that would be offensive to the rocks. The “game” consists of Megan dipping various fruit into melted chocolate, feeding it to Farmer Chris, and him guessing which fruit it is. Keep in mind that this is the same girl who put on Farmer Chris’s motorcycle helmet and banged her head against the wall.
Ashley Eyelashes realizes that her round-about attempts to let Farmer Chris know about her virginity have been an epic fail. She finally sits down with Farmer Chris and takes my advice. She blurts out “I have been trying to tell you that I am a virgin.” He doesn’t look impressed and says he respects her for her decision. She tells him not to freak out about it because it’s not something that she is “super serious” about (then why did we have to hear about it 75 times in the past 20 minutes?). Farmer Chris really doesn’t care about her virginity because he is not picking her anyway. There isn’t enough mascara in Iowa to keep her in those spidery eyelashes.
Ashley Eyelashes sees Carly and Farmer Chris kissing (that’s #5). She is concerned that maybe telling him that she is a virgin was a bad idea because now he’s afraid to make a move on her because he thinks she is too innocent. Truth be told Ashely Eyelashes, your hymen status is irrelevant; he’s just not that into you. Ashley Eyelashes starts to cry and becomes Ashley Crylashes. Teen Mom Mackenzie says Crylashes always blows everything way out of proportion, but that she can’t talk about Crylashes for too long because she has to run and take cover before the aliens land.
Teen Mom Mackenzie narrowly escapes the alien invasion and gets her hair and make-up done. She tells the rest of the girls that Crylashes is a virgin. The girls are surprised, especially Carly who astutely points out “her mouth is not a virgin.” Becca says “Guess what, I’m a virgin too.” Two virgins under the same roof in Los Angeles is as rare as seeing the Loch Ness monster. Oh well Ashley Eyelashes, there goes your leg up. Or in your case, no legs up.
Britt gets some alone time with Farmer Chris and uses that time to call him out on giving a rose to a girl who took off her bathing suit during a date, that if you recall, Britt wasn’t even on. Britt doesn’t like the fact that Farmer Chris is rewarding bad behavior and thinks she is entitled to an explanation. Farmer Chris tries to answer her but he is tongue tied. He twitches and mumbles and his answer makes as much sense as Ashley Onion. He should just have yelled “Boobs” at the top of his lungs and walked away. Or told Britt she can go the fuck home if she doesn’t like who he gives roses to.
Farmer Chris is so annoyed by Britt’s questions that before the rose ceremony he tells the ladies “I am here for the right reasons and if you don’t believe me, you can go home.” I think “get the fuck out” would have been better.
Kaitlyn and Jade already have roses, and the remaining roses go to:
Teen Mom Mackenzie
Sour Puss Kelsey
Virgin #2 Becca
Going home are Ashely Onion, Juelia and a girl with a red shirt. Seriously, I have no idea who she is.
Juelia is sad and butchers the english language on her way out with sentences like “there is 14 girls here” and “he didn’t getta see the real me.” Ashley Onion “feels nothing” and bites the heads off live chickens in the front yard of the mansion while she plots the mass murder of the production staff.
See ya next week!