By Denise Weiss
CANYONS AND CRAZIES AND KALE, OH MY!
Hay there rose lovers! Welcome to week 2, when Prince Farming kisses some frogs in the hopes that one of them will turn into a wife. Keep your fingers crossed that he doesn’t get genital warts along the way.
THE ORIGINAL ROSE CEREMONY FROM THE FIRST NIGHT
We pick up exactly where we left off last week, with Farmer Chris toasting to what he is sure will be “an amazing journey.” Just as everyone’s makeup is starting to run and Tara and Jordan‘s hangovers are reaching peak level, “Kimberly the reject” shamelessly walks back into the mansion and asks Farmer Chris if she can talk to him for a moment. Farmer Chris and Kimberly step outside into the bright morning sun and Kimberly immediately starts begging and whining “I didn’t get a chance to talk to you. I feel like I was supposed to be here. I was supposed to meet you.” Her eyes well up with tears, her bottom lip quivers and she adds “I can’t just walk away that easily.” Get a grip Kimberly.
While Kimberly is outside begging for another chance, the girls are inside, sitting on the floor, shoes off, dresses unzipped, hair extensions removed and mumbling to each other “what is she doing here?” For the second time in the past hour, Farmer Chris doesn’t know what to do so he turns to Chris Harrison for advice. Chris Harrison is as helpful as always, and tell Farmer Chris “it’s up to you.” Mainly because Farmer Chris is really, really, really tired, he agrees to give Kimberly another chance and brings her back into the mansion and tells the ladies that Kimberly will be joining them. Some of the women feign happiness by slowly clapping their hands. Others don’t even bother to look happy because they are pissed! There are fake claps, fake hugs, fake “hey welcome back” and some of the girls look as disgusted as if Chris had dragged an inseminated pig carcass into the room. Kimberly and her tight white dress are back in the race, but because the girls are too tired to plan her murder, she may be able to stick around for a night or two.
The next day/a few hours later, Chris Harrison and Farmer Chris sit on couches in the middle of the driveway, drink coffee, and talk about the 23 hottest women Farmer Chris has ever dated. And the good news??? These hot women live a mere 15 yards away. I can tell already that Farmer Chris is definitely going to need more security.
Chris Harrison hikes the 15 yards up the driveway and arrives at mansion to officially welcome the girls. In the bright afternoon sunlight and without their makeup and contact lenses, I have no idea who any of them are. Chris Harrison tells the ladies that Farmer Chris will be living just down yonder past the driveway in a barn specifically built for him. OK, he’s not really living in a barn, but that would have been funny. Chris Harrison tells the girls that there are no rules here, and encourages them to spend as much time with Farmer Chris as possible. Great. That’s like letting the inmates run the asylum.
FIRST GROUP DATE CARD
Chris Harrison drops the first date card on the coffee table, and Jillian practically knocks him over in her attempt to snatch it up. The date card invites Jade, Tandra, Ashley I, Mackenzie, Kimberly and Tara to “SHOW ME YOUR COUNTRY.” Teen Mom reject Mackenzie is already dressed for the date in her son Kale’s Osh Kosh b’gosh overall jean shorts.
Meanwhile, 15 yards down the driveway, Farmer Chris is getting ready for his date and heads outside to take another outdoor shower. When he comes out in his towel, we sadly discover that meathead Cody‘s training regime did not adequately prepare Chris for his time as The Bachelor. In a word, he is FAT. After the shower he dries off and dons his best, blue, half zipped-up hoodie, sans shirt, with just the cheesiest amount of chest hair poking out of the top. Suddenly Farmer Chris thinks he’s a hipster in an American Apparel hoodie. Please just keep that gut under wraps.
THE POOL PARTY GROUP DATE
The group date is a pool party and takes place at a hotel in LA. Ashley I is wearing a white bikini and 4 bottles of mascara…on each eye. She says she is more Kardashian than she is country,which makes her the perfect wife for Farmer Chris. Everyone jumps in the pool, and Ashley Eyelashes climbs on top of Chris’s shoulders for the obligatory bikini clad chicken fight during which she rubs her crotch on his neck. Tara, who is still sweating Jameson out her pores, is wearing the exact bathing suit i just bought for my 13 year old daughter.
Back at the mansion, Jillian and Megan decide that the best way to make use of their time is to sneak down the driveway and into Chris’s barn/apt. Sneaking is good since no one can see them, especially not the camera crew who is following them and taping their every move. Jillian’s bikini bottoms are so small that ABC covered her kit and caboodle (front and back) with a blackout bar. It seems Jillian misunderstood “show me your country” but instead showed us her… Well, you know. Upon entering Farmer Chris’s pad, Jillian is so impressed with the motorcycle that she climbs right on and rubs her barely covered bottom all over the seat. Hopefully someone on the camera crew brought sanitizing wipes. Then our daring duo get hold of Chris’s helmet, which they take turns wearing while they ram their heads into brick walls and refrigerators. As if they can afford to lose any more brain cells.
Back on the group date, the pool party is over and the girls march through the closed off streets of LA in their bikinis and wedges. As they round the corner, they come face to face with six shiny red tractors. Yes, they are going to have a bikini clad, high heel, breast bouncing tractor race through the streets of Los Angeles. I heard you can catch gonorrhea from riding a tractor in your bathing suit. The tractors race begins and the ladies put the petal to the metal which causes the tractors to fly down the street at 5 mph. Watching these women ride tractors in bikinis makes me realize that feminism is officially dead. Ashley Eyelashes wins and gets some alone time with Chris. She sits in his lap and talks about nothing while the other 5 girls pathetically sit on hay bales with straw up their whoo haas and eyeball the group date rose. In the end, Ashely Eyelashes does not get the rose; instead, Farmer Chris gives the coveted rose to Teen Mom Mackenzie. The rejected 5 makes excuses for why he didn’t pick them. Face it ladies- Teen Mom Mackenzie had him at the jean short overalls. The rejected 5 walk away without grabbing a pitchfork and cleaning up the hay like a good farmer’s wife would do.
Back at the mansion, the girls talk and Juelia reveals that she has a daughter whose dad killed himself. Not something she should lead with when she gets some alone time with Chris.
NIGHT-TIME PORTION OF THE GROUP DATE- TIME WITH TEEN MOM MACKENZIE
Farmer Chris and Teen Mom Mackenzie go out for dinner. She giggles when she talks, mumbles most of her words, and puts her hand over her mouth while she talks. It’s like talking to my 13 year old, while she is wearing Tara’s bathing suit. Teen Mom Mackenzie makes inane conversation about ear piercing and her love of his big nose. Farmer Chris looks a little perplexed until Teen Mom Mackenzie asks him if he believes in aliens. Then he looks horrified. I start screaming “RED FLAG, RED FLAG, RED FLAG!” at the TV, and Farmer Chris agrees, although he should have known something was wrong when a girl who named her kid Kale didn’t know what alfalfa was.
Teen Mom Mackenzie tells Farmer Chris that she hasn’t been on a date in over a year because “I have a kid.” Smooth. Farmer Chris isn’t phased by Teen Mom Mackenzie’s admission that she has a son, and in fact admires her for being a single parent. Not sure what it is about her that he admires. I mean, she is a single parent because she had unprotected sex and got pregnant. Millions of women do that every year. I even have a few kids of my own because of that very same thing. For reasons unbeknownst to me, Teen Mom Mackenzie gets the rose. On the way out of the restaurant, they stop in the bar area to enjoy a slow dance even though there is no music. He dips her, and they kiss. ZZZzzzz.
FIRST ONE ON ONE DATE CARD
Back at the mansion- Ding dong. Another date card arrives and this time the card reads “Megan, LOVE IS A NATURAL WONDER.” Megan is so stupid that she doesn’t realize that she just won the coveted one on one date- she thinks it’s just a note from Chris until Ashley Eyelashes explains it to her. Looks like Megan banged her head one too many times against the brick wall.
Upon seeing Megan get the one on one, Ashley Onions bugs out! Her eyes eerily dart around the room and she is either hearing voices again or is completely coked out.
Farmer Chris arrives at the mansion to pick up Megan for their date. They arrive at the airport and Megan is so excited she forgets to breathe. She should have brought Ashley Eyelashes along to remind her. They take off in a private jet, drink champagne and land in what Megan thinks is a mysterious place. The rest of us refer to it as Las Vegas. Instead of gambling and taking in a show on the strip, they hop into- oh look- a helicopter, which flies them over the Hoover Dam and Grand Canyon. Megan thinks this is the opportunity of a lifetime. I disagree. Even the Bradys went to the Grand Canyon.
The helicopter lands in the Grand Canyon and Farmer Chris and Megan have a picnic that consists of drinking champagne and eating cut up fruit out of a tupperware. They repeat the following phrases “this is the most amazing day of my life”, “I can’t believe how beautiful the view is”, “I’m so happy to be here”… blah blah blah. Megan tells Farmer Chris a long drawn out story about her father that could have been summed up by saying “my dad died of a heart attack in July.” Megan wasn’t going to come on the show after her father’s sudden death, but her mom told her to follow her heart and go on the show. Priorities. Farmer Chris is moved by her story. If he liked this story, just wait until he spends some time with Juelia. Megan tells Farmer Chris that she is there for the right reasons. She gets a rose and they kiss. That makes 2.
SECOND GROUP DATE CARD
Ding Dong- Woo Hoo! Another date card arrives and invites Kelsey, Trina, Alissa, Tracy, Jillian, Becca, Amber, Ashley Onion, Juelia, Kaitlyn and Britt on a group date called TIL DEATH DO US PART.
The girls pile into two limos for their group death date. They pull up to some abandoned buildings in the blackness of night and and sit and scream and cry and freak out in the car. Remember girls, this is the guy whose idea of fun is playing ghost in the graveyard with his mother.
While the girls sit screaming in the limo, zombies surround the cars and attack! Everyone is freaking out except for Ashley Onion, because her extra large dose of thorazine has finally kicked in. Amber calms her nerves with a shot of FIREBALL.
Chris opens the limo door, hugs them and reassures them they are not part of The Walking Dead, but rather they will be shooting zombies with paint balls until they find the beacon. The rules of the game are simple- shoot zombies. Everyone understands this except Ashley Onion who wants to shoot her teammates and has to be told repeatedly that she can’t just pick off the other girls. Ashley Onion doesn’t want to hear about the rules anymore. She shouts “Mesa Verde” and takes off running. Everyone is scared of Ashley Onion. They should be.
Back at the mansion- Megan and Mackenzie are treating themselves to a facial mask while Jordan treats herself to another bottle of booze. Yes, Jordan the drunk student is drunk again. She spits in her hands and twerks upside down against the wall (which is so last year). When she is done upside down twerking, she rights herself and then slurs to the world that Jillian has a hairy asshole. She elaborates by adding that Jillian could use a weed whacker for her pubes. Now we know why Jillian’s bottom half was covered by the black box of shame.
Back at the death date, Ashley Onion is going from bat shit crazy to homicidal maniac. She shoots repeatedly at “dead” zombies, and walks around randomly yelling “Boom.” It appears that Ashley Onion either took a combination of ambien, xanax, percocet, vicodin, adderral and slugged it all down with a bottle of tequila, or is schizophrenic. Either way, she needs some serious medical intervention.
When all the walkers have been taken care of, it is time to drink champagne. Farmer Chris toasts to “you guys really killed it today.” Meanwhile, Ashley Onion is in and out of lucidity, and one minute she is talking about seeing angels and the next is asking if she is in Mesa Verde. She asks Farmer Chris about his biggest fear, and before he can answer “ending up with you” she is crawling on the ground talking to a cat. Chris tries to explain her strange behavior by asking her if she is nervous, but she responds “You don’t want to lose the whole world, but you don’t want to gain the whole world either. You don’t want to lose your soul.” Maybe she’s with ISIS and she’s giving us a warning. At least she no longer has a gun in her hand. Does anyone have a medical bag with a syringe full of sedatives? Is there a mental hospital nearby. Homeland security? Please somebody, do something! Ashley Onion walks off towards the camera crew. Once the camera crew tightens the harnesses on Ashley Onion’s straight jacket, Farmer Chris can get down to business with some of the other zombie killing ladies.
First, Farmer Chris spends some time with Kaitlyn who he describes as a smart firecracker. They kiss. That makes 3.
Next up is Britt. They have a stupid conversation and make googley eyes at each other. Farmer Chris hands her a card that says “free kiss from Chris” and they engage in a long, slurpy, sloppy, tongue filled kiss. That makes 4. I hope they have antibiotics in that medical bag.
Britt may have gotten the tongue, but Kaitlyn got the group date rose. Britt wipes Farmer Chris’s slobber off of her face and says she is sad.
Chris arrives at the cocktail party and spends some time with Whitney, who has a bottle of his favorite whiskey sitting next to a roaring fire outside on the terrace. They toast to their first one on one date (sorry Whitney, but this is not technically a date), getting to know each other, the beginning of fantastic journey and to Whitney’s two best friends Simon and Theodore.
Ashley Eyelashes is sitting on the couch talking to Megan and Teen Mom Mackenzie, and tells the girls that she has never had a boyfriend, and that she is a virgin. This information sends Teen Mom Mackenzie into a complete jealous tizzy! Teen Mom Mackenzie tells Ashley Eyelashes that she MUST tell Farmer Chris that she is a virgin because everyone knows that guys just love taking girls virginity. Teen Mom Mackenzie does not know what alfalfa is, but knows that there is NO WAY that she can tell Farmer Chris that she is a virgin, you know, having a kid and all. She is totally bummed about that.
Ashley Eyelashes takes Teen Mom Mackenzie’s advice and runs off to find Farmer Chris. Her plan is to let him know that she is going to be “a good time for the rest of his life”, and to prove it, she offers him three wishes and asks him to rub her belly button ring to redeem his first wish. Farmer Chris’s wish is to kiss her, so she obliges by swallowing his face. She wraps her hands around his neck, pulls him on top of her and almost loses her virginity right there and then on the bench. That makes 5. She seems less like a virgin and more like a porn star and I was so embarrassed for Ashley Eyelashes that I had to look away.
Britt sees all this kissing and is upset because she feels like other women are kissing her boyfriend. Britt is one of those who really hasn’t watched the show before and gets very attached and possessive of “her boyfriend” who is dating 22 other women. Amber shows up a little while later and wants to kiss Farmer Chris “so hard” that she just comes right out and says “Can I kiss you.” Farmer Chris doesn’t know how to say “No”, so he obliges. That makes 6. Please pass the Herpicin.
Amber is so proud that she kissed Farmer Chris that she has to tell someone, and who better to tell then drunk Jordan. In an attempt to avoid a hangover, Jordan has been non-stop drinking since she arrived, and is so sloppy and drunk that she tries to make out with the camera. The cameraman is disgusted and points her in the direction of Farmer Chris. Jordan slurs that she is infatuated with him and goes in for the kill with her freshly primed lips. Apparently Farmer Chris has some standards and does not make Jordan lucky kiss recipient #7. Jordan needs to go home and get to an AA meeting immediately.
Farmer Chris arrives for the rose ceremony and declares “I’m willing to go thru ups and downs to find my wife.” He is not, however, willing to battle aliens and mental illness.
Dead father Megan, Teen Mom Mackenzie and Kaitlyn already have roses, and the remaining roses go to:
Britt “Why are these girls kissing my boyfriend”
Dead Husband #1 Kelsey
Blue eyed Samantha
Suicidal Dead Husband #2 Juelia
Side note- when Juelia’s name was called, Jillian thought she heard Jillian called. Jillian took a few steps forward, but upon realizing her mistake tried to get back in line. Unfortunately, Jillian slipped on the carpet and went tumbling. There was no need to bring back the black box of shame. Jillian picked herself up and forced a laugh that was less out of being funny and more out of embarrassment.
Tracy the 4th grade teacher
Jillian with the hairy ass
Jade (wait, who is she?)
Brittany or Nikki. I couldn’t really understand what Farmer Chris was saying. Is there a Nikki?
Whitney and The Chipmunks, and the final rose goes to
Ashley Onion. Yes, you read that correctly. Ashely Onion gets the final rose.
Going home are:
Tara wins the most pathetic award of the night when she cries and confesses “I never seem to be anyone’s number one. I get a lot of rejection. I don’t know why the other girls got picked and I didn’t and it will haunt me for the rest of my life.” Go find a therapist and work on getting some self-esteem.
And in close second place in the pathetic category is Kimberly who is still wondering “why didn’t he want me in the first place.” Don’t come back again Kimberly.
See you and Jimmy Kimmel next week!