By Denise Weiss
SISTER WIVES, HOES AND THE TONGUE BANDIT
Welcome to week 3 rose lovers. Our episode starts at the crack of dawn with a camera crew sneaking up on a sleeping, snoring Farmer Chris. A word of advice ladies- that snoring is going to get worse after Prince Farming packs on 20 pounds over the next 10 years. If you want to spend every night for the rest of your life punching your husband in the arm, roughly shoving him onto his side and yelling “STOP SNORING” through clenched teeth, then this is guy for you. When you are sleeping in the guest room, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Farmer Chris wakes up to find Jimmy Kimmel standing over his bed. Jimmy whispers “I am here to help.” Jimmy offers to make Farmer Chris a cup of coffee and tells him they are going to start an “amazing journey” together. That Jimmy Kimmel is so clever.
At the mansion, Chris Harrison tells the ladies that there is “another man” in their lives, and in walks Jimmy Kimmel. Jimmy tells the ladies that Farmer Chris is busy milking cows and slopping pigs so he is going to help him pick a wife. Before he can choose amongst one of the sister wives, Jimmy’s first official task is to implement an “Amazing Jar” and every time someone says the word “amazing” they have to put a dollar in the jar. Jimmy hopes they will raise enough money to buy the mansion and live together. Or pay for Ashley Onion’s electric shock therapy.
FIRST ONE ON ONE DATE
Jimmy leaves the first date card on the table and two dollars in the Amazing Jar. The first one on one date goes to Kaitlyn and the card reads: “YOU AND CHRIS ARE ABOUT TO JOIN AN EXCLUSIVE CLUB. SWEEPING VIEWS, VAULTED CEILINGS AND UNLIMITED HOR DOURVES AWAIT.” Kaitlyn is more psyched that Jimmy Kimmel gave her the card than she is about the date with Farmer Chris. She should be.
As they drink champagne in the limo on the Pacific Coast Highway, Kaitlyn and Farmer Chris speculate where they are going on their date. Kaitlyn thinks they are heading to a comedy club. WRONG. Instead, they arrive at Costco. Farmer Chris is bummed because his idea of a dream date would naturally involve a BJs.
Although Costco is not what Farmer Chris or Kaitlyn have in mind, they decide to make the best of their time together. As if they have a choice. Jimmy has left instructions for them to enjoy Costco because this is what real couples do together on weekends in the suburbs. Don’t be jealous Kaitlyn, but sometimes, I do it twice in one week. Armed with a shopping list and Jimmy Kimmel’s Costco card, they grab a cart and head inside. Who needs helicopters and romance when you can sit on warehouse furniture, sample crackers and hummus and eat the best pizza and churros in town. Hopefully Kaitlyn slugged down two or three (or six) glasses of champagne before she got out of the limo.
They walk around Costco picking up things they need to make dinner for Jimmy later that night. Their dinner party staples include a tub of mayo, enough ketchup to fill the hot tub and chairs and a folding table. Why the table and chairs? Doesn’t Farmer Chris’s place have seating for three? A random grandmother walks by and advises them that the cooked chicken is excellent. Like everyone in the world doesn’t already know that silly lady.
Farmer Chris feels chemistry during the trip through Costco, and he’s impressed that she handled it with such class. Farmer Chris seems to have forgotten that here in the real world, going to Costco is not a date, it is an errand. Once they have loaded 6 years worth of ketchup into their cart, it’s time to have some fun! They climb into the center of a big blue ball and are rolled up and down the aisles by 3 children whose parents are busy sampling crab dip on the other side of the store. When the ball comes to a stop, Kaitlyn and Farmer Chris share some annoying pecking kisses, which is so not Costco appropriate if you ask me. That’s #1. I give them credit though, I would have vomited my pizza and churros all over Costco after being rolled around in that ball. They load their purchases into the limo and drive off with Kaitlyn holding a package of Kirkland paper towels on her lap. Which reminds me- I need toilet paper.
Back at Farmer Chris’s bachelor pad, there is no time to change for dinner so Kaitlyn wears the same white crop top with red farmer flannel shirt tied around her waist that she has had on all day. They prepare dinner, which consists of Farmer Chris dumping an oversized container of seasoning all over a package of steaks, and Kaitlyn pouring bourbon into a glass. It feels real. Kaitlyn says she had a great time and loved how normal the Costco date felt. If she is that enamored by the normalcy of going to Costco, imagine how over the moon she would be if she came to my house and tackled the laundry.
While they wait for Jimmy to arrive for dinner, Farmer Chris and Kaitlyn get to know each other. Farmer Chris says his lifestyle is not glamorous (no kidding) and Kaitlyn says that’s what she likes about him because she prefers simplicity (yeah right). They kiss again. Kaitlyn spends the next five minutes roughly wiping her red lipstick off of Farmer Chris’s face and laughing. He laughs back. Well, he doesn’t exactly laugh… he giggles… like a little girl. Or a dolphin. They kiss some more until Jimmy Kimmel shows up and says he’s hungry. It’s like he’s one of my kids.
Farmer Chris and Jimmy have a bromance while they heat up chicken wings and grill steak on the BBQ. Kaitlyn tells Jimmy that she wanted to date Farmer Chris because she is really into farmers, and has actually dated farmers in the past. Jimmy says “really Kaitlyn, you have dated farmers”? Well, maybe it was just one farmer. Uh, sorry Kaitlyn, but a guy growing pot in his closet with a heat lamp and a humidifier is not a farmer.
During dinner they talk about having sex in the fantasy suite and Kaitlyn agrees that Farmer Chris should have sex with everyone because it’s important that he “test drive the car before he buys it.” Jimmy Kimmel suggests a threesome. They all laugh. In fact, they laugh a lot. They laugh so much that I wonder if Kaitlyn called her ex-farmer boyfriend to stop by with some of his homegrown “crops.” The date is lame, and Jimmy Kimmel, the third wheel, is the best part.
Finally, Farmer Chris grabs the rose and attempts to make a speech about how much he likes Kaitlyn. Sadly, Farmer Chris butchers the speech because he has no personality and can’t string two sentences together. Kaitlyn accepts the rose anyway (like she would ever turn it down). Farmer Chris and Kaitlyn finish their Costco meal and retreat to the hot tub to make out some more. Jimmy Kimmel sits in the corner of the hot tub eating a chicken wing. He is there, after all, “to be the lubricant that will smooth things out for everyone”. If Jimmy is the lube, then Chris Harrison must be the condom.
Back at the mansion, the group date card arrives. It says “ARE YOU READY TO MEET SOME REAL PARTY ANIMALS” and invites Britt, Jillian, Becca, Tracy, Teen Mom Mackenzie, Ashley Onion, Kelsie, Amber, Juelia, Samantha, Nikki and Carly to come on the group date and make fools of themselves.
In order to get in tip top shape for the date, Hairy Ass Jillian works out all of her body parts. Once again, she is wearing teeny tiny shorts and the black box of shame covers her privates. Jillian should start shopping in the women’s section from now on.
The girls arrive on a “farm” and Jimmy Kimmel tells them that he has set up a five part race appropriately entitled the “Hoedown Throw-down.” The purpose of this date is to determine which one of them is solid farmer wife material. The five parts of the race are: corn shucking, finding an egg in a chicken coop and cracking the egg into a pan without breaking the yolk, milking a goat and drinking 8 oz of freshly squeezed goat’s milk, shoveling manure and wrestling a greased pig. I’m starting to miss Costco.
The contest starts and Jillian takes the lead. She is wearing a shirt that says “stay classy” which should more appropriately read “I have a hairy assy.” It is clear right away that these girls don’t know how to shuck corn and wouldn’t even last a minute in the produce section at ShopRite. Jillian completes the task by ripping the corn apart with her bare hands and is the first to advance to the egg finding/egg cracking portion of the challenge. She is wearing teeny tiny white shorts and the black box of shame is back to protect us from having to see her uterus when she bends over. Teen Mom Mackenzie also advances to the egg cracking stage, but breaks the yolk, thereby disqualifying herself. I mean how can Teen Mom Mackenzie expect to be a good farmer’s wife if she can’t even properly make Chris his breakfast? It’s a good thing we have group dates like these to weed out the unqualified.
Jillian successfully completes the egg cracking task, and advances to the goat milking arena. She chases the goat around for a while, and scares the bejeezus out of it in the process. The goat eventually senses that Jillian is about to pick her up and body slam her, so she succumbs to the milking. Smart goat. Kelsey, Carly and a girl in a white off the shoulder blouse all advance to the goat milking portion of the race. Carly aggressively yanks up and down on her goat’s one working teat and is the first to fill her mason jar. The poor goat is looking at Jimmy Kimmel with eyes that are saying “pssst buddy, could you spare some lube.” Carly quickly downs the goat’s milk, despite possible life threatening or massive gas producing lactose intolerance, and runs off to shovel manure.
Kelsie is the next one to drink the goat’s milk and gags while complaining that it is “salty and warm and not easy to swallow.” Is this a metaphor? I’m speechless. Amber is happy that she didn’t make it to the goat round because she doesn’t like warm and salty things that taste like protein in her mouth. Some free advice Amber- don’t admit that you don’t like warm, salty protein in your mouth until AFTER the wedding.
Jillian downs the goat milk and heads over to the shit shoveling section. Carly has finished shoveling the shit and is wrestling with the lock at the greased pig pen. Jillian sees Carly struggling with the lock on the pig pen and decides fuck this, I’m not wrestling with no stupid lock, and flings herself over the fence like the bionic woman. Carly and Kelsie follow Jillian into the pen, and they all run around chasing pigs. Carly is the first to catch one of the greased pigs, and does a victory dance that resembles a seizure. She wins first prize which consists of a blue ribbon, a photo shoot of her and Farmer Chris dressed like American Gothic, and a belly full of salty warm goat’s milk, which will shortly cause explosive diarrhea.
Later that night Farmer Chris and the girls go out for drinks and Carly takes him aside to tell him that he is a man and she is a woman so they should kiss. Very astute observation Carly, but that doesn’t make up for the fact that you are pathetic and reek of desperation That’s #2.
Amber wants to slow dance even though there is no music. She tells him to pretend they are dancing at their wedding. That line all but assures us that Amber will be going home. They kiss. That’s #3.
There is a girl in a white dress. It might be Hairy Ass Jillian but I can’t be certain because she’s not wearing the black ass box. They kiss. That’s #4.
Teen Mom Mackenzie is totally annoyed because there are 17 other girls kissing Farmer Chris and where does that leave her? She asks Farmer Chris if he remembers their kiss, and “like why are you like kissing all these girls.” Farmer Chris is flustered, looks down at the ground and mumbles something like “I am trying to find a wife. I want kissing to mean something.” So, he wants kissing to mean something…as opposed to getting married, which means so little to Farmer Chris that he is willing to find his wife on a TV show full of sluts. I get it now. Carry on in your role as the tongue bandit Farmer Chris.
Britt is upset that she is not getting any so she snuggles up with Jillian, who stares lovingly down at Britt. Becca gets some alone time with Farmer Chris, and spends it talking and talking and talking. Farmer Chris looks bored and is just biding his time until Becca’s lips stop moving so he can swoop in and slip her the tongue. Not happening Farmer Chris! Becca is a hugger and doesn’t want to be sloppy fifths, so she ain’t having none of that kissing nonsense. Becca’s strategy works and she gets the group date rose along with a look of “duh” from Ashely Onion. Carly expresses her displeasure about being “rose-less” and excuses herself to go to the bathroom for another round of lactose intolerance induced diarrhea.
SECOND ONE ON ONE DATE
The second date card arrives and Kaitlyn answers the door. She is still wearing her favorite Costco date crop top. The card is for Whitney and says “TODAY IS GOING TO BE FUN. NO WHINING.” Which is impossible for Whitney and her chipmunk voice. Unless I hit the mute button.
Farmer Chris and Whitney head to the Saddle Rock Vineyard in Malibu, where they drink wine, eat cheese and talk. Whitney’s voice causes the desert animals to burrow underground.
Farmer Chris tells Whitney he is looking for someone he can “roll the cob” with, which is farmer talk for shooting the shit. He finds it attractive when a woman can talk to Joe Blow and make him her best friend. Let’s leave Whitney’s blowing Joe out of this please. Whitney says she likes to meet people at airports. I believe the TSA frowns upon that Whitney.
Whitney says they have a real, legit, storybook connection. Chris eats some of Whitney’s hair but has a hard time swallowing it. So many swallowing issues this week.
They make more dull conversation until Whitney suggests that they crash the wedding that just so happens to be taking place right behind them. They change into wedding attire, plant a camera crew a distance away, and walk in like they are invited guests. I find it hard to believe that this is a spontaneous wedding crash and that the bride and groom aren’t in on it. I know if two D-list reality TV losers crashed my wedding, I would sue ABC for intentional infliction of emotional distress. If Bradley Cooper or Maroon 5 showed up, however, that would be a different story. But Farmer Chris and Whitney? I would not be happy!
Farmer Chris is a buffoon and shows how stupid he truly is when he asks the maid of honor how she knows the bride, even though she just told him she was the bride’s sister 3 minutes ago. Fortunately, Whitney is the mastermind of this ruse, and comes to his rescue. Meanwhile, there are like 60 people at this wedding, and in a show of even greater stupidity, Farmer Chris plops himself at the table next to the mother of the bride and attempts to have a conversation with her. Are we to believe that the mother of the bride doesn’t know who she invited to her daughter’s wedding and doesn’t realize there are 2 strangers sitting at the table with her? Please. Spontaneous my Hairy Jillian Ass. Farmer Chris is no Vince Vaughn or Owen Wilson, and wins the title of “Worst Wedding Crasher Ever.”
After Whitney impresses Farmer Chris with her ability to lie and deceive, they dance. Farmer Chris has somewhat of a personality on the dance floor, and dazzles us with some of his moves, specifically the lawnmower and a move that I call “feed the chickens.” Whitney is determined to catch the bouquet and takes out the entire bridal party in her attempt. Farmer Chris and Whitney dance some more, then they kiss. That’s #5. Whitney thinks the date was amazing (so amazing that she has to put $33 in the Amazing Jar) and Farmer Chris is so impressed by Whitney’s ability to lie, connive and deceive people, that he can see her as his wife. Or in prison. Whitney gets the rose.
POOL PARTY TIME!
After a long week of shopping at Costco, performing farm shenanigans and crashing weddings, Farmer Chris works up a sweat by doing some crunches. He then takes another outdoor shower, but this time he has company. No it’s not one of the sluts…it’s Jimmy Kimmel who washes Chris’s back and shampoos his hair with half a bottle of Tresemme. He is hilarious. I hope they were wearing bathing suits.
After the shower Jimmy arrives at the mansion and tells the girls there will not be a cocktail party this week- instead, they will be having a pool party. This excites the girls, especially the ones with breast implants. Everyone runs upstairs to don their best bathing suits and fuck me heels. Ashely Eyelashes puts on 10 pounds of makeup and a gold g-string on her head which makes her look like an Egyptian slut. Teen Mom Mackenzie doesn’t bother fixing her hair and makeup, and just shows up as is, because she always looks the same anyway. Megan shows her intellectual side and exclaims it’s “the most best day ever.”
Farmer Chris arrives at the mansion, strips off his shirt and cannonballs into the pool. His belly hangs over his bathing suit and he has pimples on his back. He is dull AND gross. The girls ooooh and aaaaah over him. Yuck. Britt and Hairy Ass Jillian hold hands. Strange.
Despite the fact that we are not in Haight-Ashbury circa 1971, Juelia wears her favorite flower power headband. She decides that there is no better time or place than RIGHT NOW, during the pool party, to tell Farmer Chris about her husband’s suicide. She takes him to an out of the way gazebo and starts her story by saying “like suicide is like another form of loss because it’s like preventative oh my gosh it’s like loss upon loss like I’ve been told.” Then she cries as she tells Farmer Chris specific details about her husband’s death, like how she didn’t notice her husband’s mental illness, how she couldn’t deal with his mental illness, how she ignored his suicide note, how she left him alone with a loaded gun (to her credit she did call him later that night) and how devastated she was when he killed himself. She said the word “like” 57 times during the story. On the outside it appears that Farmer Chris is intently and sympathetically listening, but on the inside he is thinking “what is the appropriate amount of time that I have to sit here and hug this Debbie Downer who just ruined my pool party with this horrible story.” Juelia composes herself and asks Farmer Chris if he thinks that her daughter will be OK. What is he, Dr. Phil? He is a farmer Juelia, not a therapist. Jimmy Kimmel is smart enough to stay far, far away from this conversation and is no where in sight. Some things are better left off-camera, and this is one of them. Maybe they can reallocate the funds from the Amazing Jar and pay someone to teach Juelia about timing. Speaking of timing, the next commercial is for a medication to treat bi-polar disorder. Really, ABC? Have you no shame?
Juelia finishes her story and dries her tears just as Britt slithers up to the gazebo so she can make out with Farmer Chris and eat his face. That’s #6.
Jade wants some time with Farmer Chris, so she uses the old “can I have a tour of your place” line to get invited to his pad. Farmer Chris uses the old “let’s have a run and jump into the bed contest” to get Jade and her white stilettos and silk robe in his bed. They kiss.That’s #7. While they are horizontal and going at it in Chris’s bed, porn music plays in the background and the cameraman shoots directly up Jade’s vagina. Where is Jillian’s black modesty box when you need it! The whole thing is so gross and gets worse when what looks like Jade’s right breast falls out of her bathing suit and is suddenly front and center! I hope it was just the lining of her bathing suit, but I swear I saw boob.
Not to be left out of a good time, Jillian and her black box ass follow Jade and Farmer Chris to his place. Jillian makes herself comfortable on the edge of the hot tub while she waits for Chris to round second base with Jade. When Farmer Chris and Jade finally emerge, Jade leaves and Farmer Chris sits next to Hairy Black Box Ass Jillian on the side of the hot tub.
Up the road a yonder, Ashley Eyelashes, Teen Mom Mackenzie and Megan traipse down the driveway and make their way to the hot tub where Hairy Black Box Ass Jillian has a death grip on Farmer Chris’s knee. Jillian is not happy to see Huey, Dewey and Louie and shoos them away. The shunned trio have a meeting and strategize the best way to get Farmer Chris away from Hairy Ass. The best plan they come up with is to spy on them from behind a palm tree. Huey, Dewey and Louie have each other’s backs and make a pact to point out if any of their makeup starts to look “cracky.” While the trio watches, Hairy Black Box Ass Jillian and Farmer Chris kiss. That’s #8.
The plan devising trio head back to the hot tub and once again intrude on Hairy Ass’s time with Farmer Chris. Hairy Ass doesn’t budge, and this sends Ashley Eyelashes running off in a crying temper tantrum because Hairy Ass just isn’t playing fair. Ashley Eyelashes storms off, throws her plastic wine glass, cries and wipes away tearless tears (seriously, no water comes out of her eyes). Her makeup doesn’t smudge at all. Kim Kardashian would be proud.
Eventually Farmer Chris finds his way back to the mansion and takes Ashley Eyelashes and her magic belly button genie lantern ring upstairs to a rooftop deck to talk to her about why she is so upset. While he is trying to talk to her, Ashley Eyelashes does sort of a laugh, cry, giggle, eye wipe, hand over face, fake tears kind of thing, and is just an immature emotional mess. Farmer Chris leans in to hug her and she wipes her runny nose snot all over his shoulder. She tells Farmer Chris that she missed him this week and pulls him on top of her for a kiss, once again overcompensating for her alleged virginity. That’s #9. It was almost Farmer Chris’s last kiss because Ashley Eyelashes pulled him on top of her with such force that she almost sent both of them rolling off the roof in an attempted murder-suicide. Chris Harrison finally shows up and says it’s time for the rose ceremony. Jimmy Kimmel’s advice to Farmer Chris? “Whatever you do, don’t be yourself. Be someone who gives better speeches.” In other words, get a personality.
Kaitlyn, Carly and Whitney already have roses. The remaining roses go to:
Jade and her white stripper shoes;
Pool Party Wrecker Juelia;
Teen Mom Mackenzie;
I don’t like salty warm things that I have to swallow Kelsey;
Hot Pink Lips Britt;
Megan who is too dull to have a nickname;
Pass the Imodium Carly;
Ashley Onion and her possessed bug eyes;
Nikki (or Brittany. I keep forgetting her name);
Hairy Black Box Ass Jillian; and
Going home are Trina (another WHO?), Tracy the teacher and Amber. Amber cries and says it sucks being rejected again. Then she turns and says “I don’t want to talk anymore.” Amber should have called Farmer Chris a racist for sending home the only African American contestant on MLK Day! Don’t worry Amber, I’m sure Al Sharpton will be on the first plane to Iowa in the morning to hold a protest and set Farmer Chris straight.
See you next week!