By Denise Weiss
THE FARMER IS IN HELL. THE FARMER IS IN HELL. THESE GIRLS ARE CRAZY-O THE FARMER IS IN HELL
This week’s Bachelor journey starts with Farmer Chris and a camera crew wandering around Santa Fe, New Mexico, which is the perfect place to fall in love (said no one ever). Back at the mansion, Chris Harrison tells the girls to pack their bags because they are heading to Santa Fe, New Mexico! Megan is overly excited at the thought of going to New Mexico because she has never been out of the country before. Megan can’t wait to hit the beaches of New Mexico with its blue water, white sand, and margaritas…Grab your sombrero and your passports ladies, because we are off to Santa Fe! But before we leave the United States, Ashley Eyelashes reminds us that she is a virgin.
After a difficult time getting through customs, the girls finally arrive at The Buffalo Thunder Casino and Resort. Farmer Chris reflects on his journey thus far while the girls check into their rooms. He is past the “getting to know you stage” and is ready to move onto the “let’s see if we have chemistry” stage of the journey. The date card arrives and the first one on one date goes to Carly. It reads “Let’s come together.” I can’t even go there.
Carly’s One on One Date
Farmer Chris waits for Carly to arrive for their date and questions if they have “romantic chemistry.” Carly finally arrives in a hearse, and as she jumps into his outstretched arms, all I notice are her badly shaped eyebrows that stop in the middle of her eye. Megan the makeup artist could have fixed Carly’s eyebrows, but she must have left her supplies back in the States. Farmer Chris and Carly enter a hacienda and yell “hello, we’re here” numerous times, but get no response. Eventually, they make their way to the backyard where they discover a strange woman who is busy meditating and has no time for them. Namaste.
When she is damn good and ready, Tziporah Kingsbury says hello and introduces herself as a “love and intimacy mentor” also known as a “Love Guru.” She tells Farmer Chris and Carly that she is going to help them bring out the “juiciness” in their relationship. This is wrong on so many levels: First, Farmer Chris and Carly are NOT a couple and this is their first date, if you can even call it that; second, no one needs to see any “juiciness” unless Christian Gray is involved; and third, what the hell is a Love Guru anyway? I don’t know how I’ve managed to stay married for 21 years without one.
To our surprise, Farmer Chris admits he has never been to a love guru, which is shocking since they are all the rage in Iowa. The Love Guru gets things started by waving a log of burning sage around Farmer Chris and Carly, while making them say OHHHHHHMMMMMMM as she pulls on his lower jaw.
Farmer Chris is cautiously optimistic about the Love Guru’s tactics, but worried that they might be weird. Gee Farmer Chris, ya think? The next trick up the Love Guru’s sleeve is to have Carly blindfold Farmer Chris and feed him chocolate dipped fruit. That schtick is so last week- just ask Megan as soon as she returns to the States. Megan was actually better at it because she managed to get the fruit and chocolate IN his mouth as opposed to all over his face. This Love Guru needs to get some original material if she is going to make it in this industry.
Next the Love Guru suggests that Carly, who is terrified of physical intimacy, breathe all over Farmer Chris. This date is so awkward that I can’t look directly at the TV, but rather have to sort of glance at it using my peripheral vision. Just when you think things can’t get any worse, the Love Guru tells Farmer Chris it’s his turn to take the lead. It is at this point that we realize that she is more of a Sex Guru than a Love Guru.
As per the Sex Guru’s instructions, Farmer Chris bends Carly over in a downward dog position and rubs her between the thighs. Now I can’t look at all, and have my hands over my face, and periodically peek out from between my fingers. When his grinding from behind fails to elicit the proper amount of chemistry, the crazy Sex Guru suggests that they “go deeper” by undressing in front of each other. You see, according to the nut job Sex Guru, clothes represent masks that must be removed in order to achieve an emotional connection with a partner. Farmer Chris and Carly comply at first, but as soon as it is time for Carly to remove Farmer Chris’s pants, she whispers “I’m really uncomfortable.” Thank you Carly; I was really uncomfortable too. Farmer Chris agrees, so the Sex Guru changes course and instructs them to “talk so you can take off the masks of past relationships.” If I were either Carly or Farmer Chris I would demand to see a degree from somewhere other than the University of Phoenix. It seems to me that no one has informed the Sex Guru that she is working on intimacy and sexuality with a couple who barely know each other.
Once the Sex Guru finally realizes she isn’t going to be able to film her secret porn with these two, she settles for having Carly straddle Farmer Chris’s lap, dry hump him, and breathe into his mouth. Hopefully neither of them had an everything bagel with cream cheese and onion for breakfast. Breathing into Farmer Chris’s mouth makes Carly feel comfortable. The rest of us? Not so much. After 20 minutes of staring and breathing on each other, the Sex Guru allows them to kiss.
Once the Sex Guru is returned to the hookah bar from which she came, Farmer Chris, Carly, and the pimple in the middle of Carly’s forehead share a romantic evening together surrounded by candles and a roaring fire. Carly wants a moment of seriousness, because, like, she hasn’t been intimate with someone, like, for years, because, like, her last boyfriend wouldn’t touch her, like, for two years, and like, it was really weird, like, and it really, like, messed with her head because, like, being physical is a huge part of a relationship, like, and it made her feel, like, not womanly, like. Too bad Carly and the ex-boyfriend didn’t visit the Sex Guru – at least they would have spent some quality time breathing all over each other.
Carly says she is not pretty, and wishes a man would find her attractive so she can feel good about herself. That is so sad and pathetic, and further solidifies that what Carly really needs is a real therapist with a couch and a prescription pad. Farmer Chris admits that he lives in a different world than most of the women on the show, and is concerned that being a farmer from Iowa is not going to be good enough for these women. FARMER CHRIS, THIS IS WHAT IS KNOWN AS AN AHA MOMENT AND YOU SHOULD FOLLOW YOUR INSTINCTS! Farmer Chris says Carly makes him feel special and loved. Farmer Chris and Carly make me feel bored and sleepy.
Farmer Chris believes that he would be a lucky man if he could spend the rest of his life with Carly, and that she would be the best wife he could ask for. Despite the fact that there is no chemistry between them, Carly gets the rose. My biggest concern for their relationship is whether there is someone in Iowa who can fix Carly’s eyebrows.
Back at The Buffalo, the ladies are waiting for the group date card to arrive and listening to Kelsey brag about her amazing dead husband. In a very matter of fact way, Kelsey shares the intimate details of her husband’s death, although she can’t recall the name of the thing that killed him. She eventually remembers that he died from something called, um, congestive heart failure. She speaks about his death in the same tone she would use to order a large cheese pie. The other girls listen intently, and Teen Mom Mackenzie wears a funky headband to keep her newly Keratined hair from frizzing.
Kelsey is hopeful that she will get the next one on one date so she call tell Farmer Chris all about her dead husband. We know how well that worked out for Juelia.
The date card arrives and invites Becca, Jade, Megan, Kaitlyn, Whitney, Teen Mom Mackenzie, Samantha (seriously, who the hell are you), Eyelashes and Kelsey on a date called “I’m rapidly falling in love.” Surprise! The girls and Farmer Chris will be white water rafting down the Rio Grande River (like we didn’t see that coming).
Megan doesn’t like the look of the water in this foreign country and is concerned that there are alligators and dead bodies lurking beneath the roaring rapids. That makes sense because everyone knows that Santa Fe is the country famous for its alligators and dead bodies. In fact, just last week I cheered “Go Santa Fe Gators!”
A river guide gives the girls some ground rules, tells them that if they don’t comply with the rules they will die, and then tells them to have fun before he sends them down the rapids to their death.
Farmer Chris and the ladies set off in 2 rafts and have fun splashing each other with the oars. The rapids pick up and the ladies scream. Jade goes overboard. The girls watch and hope that she drowns, but Chris reaches out and pulls her back into the raft. Sadly, the black box that covered her crotch wasn’t as lucky and was pulled under by a ferocious Santa Fe gator.
As if the near death drowning experience wasn’t bad enough for poor Jade, it turns out that she has a circulation condition and Chris has to rub her hypothermic cold feet. Teen Mom Mackenzie is jealous and wishes she had a disorder too. Kelsey also wishes she had hypothermia so she could get a hug. Kelsey and Teen Mom Mackenzie bitch about Jade’s good fortune in having a disease until they discover an open bottle of champagne. A few glasses later Kelsey says “I’m fine” and laughs an evil laugh. Kelsey is starting to make Ashley Onion look sane. Let’s remember that Kelsey is a guidance counselor and is in charge of the well being of our youth.
The girls head back to The Buffalo and later that night gather on a couch in the lobby to wait for Farmer Chris to grace them with his presence. Whitney wants time with Farmer Chris and repeats over and over again that time is all that matters. As Chris walks through the lobby of the hotel, Jordan the drunk girl who was sent home 2 weeks ago magically appears and says “Hey Chris, it’s me Jordan and I drove all the way from Colorado to surprise you.” He has no idea who she is at first, but it slowly comes back to him – the shots of whiskey, the upside down wall twerking, Jillian‘s hairy ass. Jordan tells Farmer Chris that as soon as she got home she realized that she blew it. She acknowledges that she was a drunk, but asks for a second chance. It’s amazing how Jordan got in her car and guessed that Farmer Chris would be at The Buffalo Thunder Casino in Santa Fe, New Mexico. She thanks God, which is only appropriate because it certainly wasn’t the producers who had anything to do with her sudden reappearance.
The other ladies are wondering where Farmer Chris is and are not happy when he finally shows up with Jordan on his arm. They feign happiness upon seeing her, but really Farmer Chris? What are you thinking?
Farmer Chris tells the couch ladies that he is going to leave it up to them whether Jordan stays or goes because “I respect you guyses opinions.” Farmer Chris then takes each of the girls aside for some alone time which he uses to talk about Jordan. Eyelashes, who forgot to wear pants, says that Jordan is not a real lady; a real lady is a virgin who sucks farmer’s faces off in tents. Eyelashes also informs Farmer Chris that Jordan is there for the wrong reasons, which everyone knows you NEVER say to The Bachelor. Jade has fully recovered all sensation in her extremities and tells Farmer Chris that he should send Jordan home.
Farmer Chris finally realizes he is spending more time talking about Jordan than he is looking for a wife. But instead of having some balls and using this new found knowledge to send Jordan packing, he continues to let the couch ladies discuss Jordan’s fate amongst themselves. Whitney starts the debate by saying in a very nice way that although she likes Jordan as a person, she would prefer that she go home. Eyelashes has a better plan and instructs the girls to be mean to Jordan. Whitney says Farmer Chris doesn’t want a mean girl for a wife. Eyelashes and Whitney argue and eventually Eyelashes give up and settles for inscribing Jordan in the Burn Book.
Farmer Chris realizes that his 9 girlfriends are really upset about his 10th girlfriend. He pulls Jordan aside and tells her that he can’t listen to the other girls bitch anymore, and thank you for driving 8 hours but you can go home now. Plus, he’s afraid that Eyelashes and Kelsey will kill him in his sleep if he keeps her around. Jordan thanks him for being honest and wishes him good luck. Then she asks for directions to the nearest bar. Jordan cries and hugs the girls goodbye. The girls basically tell Jordan to fuck off.
Farmer Chris apologizes to the couch ladies who are now crying for some unknown reason. The group date rose goes to Whitney because she is nice and according to Farmer Chris is there for the right reasons. The girls are all really mad at Farmer Chris so he does the best thing he can to make them feel better – he leaves.
Eyelashes is really mad that Whitney got the rose because in her opinion, Whitney is a total zero. She morphs into Crylashes, gets off the couch and goes back to her room to look for her pants.
Meanwhile, alliances are formed and Whitney, Kelsey, Britt and Carly talk about Crylashes, while Crylashes and Teen Mom Mackenzie talk about Whitney. Crylashes calls Whitney fake. Hello pot, this is the kettle calling, you are black.
Britt One on One Date
Back at The Buffalo, Carly and Britt snuggle on the couch in matching pants and talk excitedly about Britt’s upcoming one on one date with Carly’s boyfriend. Carly suggests that Britt wash her hair and shave her legs before she goes on her date. It seems that Britt doesn’t like to shower and has been walking around with flies circling around her head and a trail of green stench trailing behind her. Knock, knock – the date card arrives. Carly reads aloud to Pig Pen Britt that the card says “Sky’s the limit.” This makes Pig Pen Britt cry because although she’s excited to see Farmer Chris, she is absolutely terrified of heights. Pig Pen says that her fear of heights is not just a regular fear, but rather it is an extreme fear – one that is so great that her body shuts down and she freaks out at the mere thought of it.
Farmer Chris is a sneaky farmer and wants to start their sky high date early in the morning. He and a camera crew creep into Pig Pen’s room at 4:32 am, and he wakes her with a kiss, tells her that she is beautiful and gives her 5 minutes to get ready. If a man wakes me up at 4:32 in the morning, it better be because the house is on fire. Roomie Carly is sleeping in the same bed with Pig Pen and wakes up, rolls over and reveals sweaty pit stains on her pajamas. I wake up every night between 2 and 3 am covered in sweat, but I am 47 years old. Carly is way too young for menopause, so why is she sweating profusely at 4:30 in the morning? Upon seeing Farmer Chris in her room, Carly tires to talk to him, but he basically tells her to shut up because she is ruining his moment with Pig Pen. Oh no you didn’t!
Pig Pen may not shower, but fortunately she sleeps in full make-up, so she hops out of bed, puts on a pair of dirty socks, and off they go!
The sun comes up as they arrive for their date, which is a ride in a hot air balloon. It’s amazing how quickly Pig Pen’s “body shutting down fear of heights” dissipates. Apparently all Pig Pen needed to conquer her fear of heights was a personality-challenged farmer from Iowa. Pig Pen jumps in the hot air balloon basket, snuggles into his arms and feels safe despite her immense fear of heights. Pig Pen says it’s a perfect day with a perfect person. When they are safely on the ground, they head back to Farmer Chris’s room. Pig Pen is impressed because “it’s so clean.”
Back at The Buffalo, the girls bitch about Pig Pen Britt, her bathing habits (or lack thereof) and her full makeup sleep habits. Carly cannot get over the fact that her boyfriend shushed her, and Eyelashes tells the girls that Pig Pen isn’t in a rush to get married and have kids. Meanwhile, back on Farmer Chris’s bed, Pig Pen is telling Farmer Chris that she wants 100 kids. Farmer Chris really likes kids and dirt, so Pig Pen gets the rose. They kiss and snuggle under the covers which are no longer clean. Pig Pen is ecstatic that her date started in bed and ended in bed. We watch them slurpily make out until Farmer Chris gets up and shuts the door, for which we are thankful.
A few hours later Pig Pen Britt returns to her side of The Buffalo, tells the girls about her date and flaunts the rose in their faces. She tells them about the ride in the hot air balloon and that she went back to his room for a 2 hour nap. The nap puts Kelsey right over the edge and she declares “I know what I need to do.” Kelsey changes into a sensible cardigan and sneaks off to Farmer Chris’s room, where she tells him, through tears, about her husband and his untimely death. Chris nods like he cares but is thinking WTF is with these women and their dead husbands? Moments after hearing about Mr. Kelsey’s heart failure, they kiss. Kelsey smiles and twirls her villain mustache. Muah ha ha!
After she leaves, Kelsey tells the cameraman that she loves her story. I believe her exact quote was “Isn’t my story amazing?” She is looking for a bunny to boil and Ashley Onion is starting to look more and more sane. If Kelsey is eliminated in the next few weeks, look for her story on Lifetime – it will be called “From Bachelor to behind bars. How I killed my husband so I could be on a reality dating show – The Kelsey Story.”
The girls arrive for the cocktail party and Pig Pen declares “the tension is palpable.” Teen Mom Mackenzie is nervous about her lack of connection with Farmer Chris, but has finally managed to keep her hair under control. Whitney talks about the importance of time again. Samantha finally speaks but she is irrelevant at this point. Everyone is completely stressed out about being sent home except for Kelsey who is as cool as a cucumber. Whitney notices, and is surprised at how confident and relaxed Kelsey seems. Farmer Chris arrives and looks quite pensive. He says Santa Fe has been fun, but has been tough. He spills the beans about his and Kelsey’s conversation, which has left him so distraught that he can’t finish his sentence and needs a moment, because he just got his period. He steps outside and Chris Harrison who appears from no where asks Farmer Chris if he needs a tampon.
Back inside The Buffalo, Kelsey fesses up to the other women that she told Farmer Chris about her dead husband. She says not telling Farmer Chris that she was a widow was weighing her down, and that she was going to tell them about the conversation but didn’t want them to be jealous because she had a dead husband and they didn’t. Carly calls bullshit on that story and explains that Kelsey told Farmer Chris about dead Mr. Kelsey so that he wouldn’t send her home. As if we couldn’t figure it out on our own.
Back outside The Buffalo, Farmer Chris tells Chris Harrison that Kelsey’s talk made him realize that time is of the essence. Inside The Buffalo, Kelsey can’t keep her mouth shut and tells the girls, through tears, that every day is a gift and time is precious. She is confident that Farmer Chris has already made up his mind, and that he will send the right girl home and won’t waste their time. So much reference to time in this episode, yet no one on the show cares that we, the audience, are wasting our precious time watching this crap. Kelsey just can’t stop talking, and arrogantly tells the other girls that saying goodbye to one of them will be hard for her. Kelsey is already measuring her ring finger and the other ladies are seething! Pig Pen gently rubs Kelsey’s shoulder and whispers that her pumps look great. Kelsey immediately perks up and says “I know right.” Someone better call the CSI crime lab or Quincy M.D. to exhume Mr. Kelsey’s body and check to see if there is rat poison or anti-freeze in his system.
Chris Harrison comes back in and tells the girls that Farmer Chris is very emotional but knows what he is going to do. Also, that despite taking some Midol he is still feeling very bloated and doesn’t want a cocktail party, so they will head straight to the rose ceremony. No cocktail party = no time.
Crylashes cries some more and is really upset that Kelsey has a sadder story than she does. She wishes that instead of being a virgin, she was a widow. No, honestly, she really said that. Teen Mom Mackenzie also knows her single mom story can’t compete with the dead husband story, and is very nervous about going home, even though her hair looks good. Kelsey is concerned that her Mr. Kelsey story might have backfired and thinks uh oh, I better fix this ASAP. She outcries Crylashes and heads out to find Farmer Chris and do damage control. Suddenly, we hear a high pitched moan coming from down the hall, and the next thing we see is Kelsey on the floor crying surrounded by paramedics. Kelsey moans to Diane the paramedic that, gasp, I’m ok, gasp, I think, gasp, I’m having, gasp, a panic attack, gasp. Diane calls 911. And the academy award for best actress in a drama series goes to…not Kelsey because she is a lousy actress.
And the roses go to… TO BE CONTINUED!