By Denise Weiss
THEY USE BIG WORDS IN SOUTH DAKOTA
In case you forgot last week’s most dramatic non-rose ceremony ever, here is a recap before my recap:
There are 11 girls left. The girls are mad. The girls are sad. The girls cry. Kelsey exploits her dead husband. Farmer Chris is an emotional wreck and cancels the cocktail party. Kelsey has a panic attack. Farmer Chris has underarm sweat stains and no personality. There, you are all caught up.
We pick up where we left off with the girls and their sombreros drinking margaritas on the beaches of New Mexico. Kelsey is still crying on the cold tile floor. The other girls sit on a couch in the lobby. They hear Kelsey’s gasping, heart wrenching cries, but stay seated on the couch because they don’t give a flying fuck. Jade actually steps over Kelsey on her way back from the bathroom.
The purple gloved EMT holds a useless oxygen mask to Kelsey’s face, but what Kelsey really needs are some brownies and time with Farmer Chris. Miracles do happen and suddenly Kelsey is sitting up, laughing, and inviting the EMT out for drinks and brownies. Farmer Chris arrives and sits on the cold tile floor with Kelsey, who blames him for her panic attack. He apologizes because he is a wuss. She gives him the “poor me, doe-eyed” gaze and they share a romantic moment on the floor outside the bathroom in front of the water fountain. The girls react with venomous stares and tears. Ashley Eyelashes has completely disappeared, and Crylashes is all that remains.
Kelsey returns to the couch wrapped in a fur blanket and laughs about her experience. She even complains that she got all dressed up for nothing, pointing out that she brought her breasts with her for the occasion (I believe she called them “puppies” UGH). Carly calls bullshit on Kelsey’s panic attack, but Kelsey is happy and believes she is the woman Farmer Chris is going to marry. Nothing sets the tone for a solid marriage like game play, manipulation and a good panic attack.
Carly, Britt and Whitney already have roses, and the remaining roses go to:
Poor Teen Mom Mackenzie says she will never get over it, and Farmer Chris proves he already has, when he doesn’t even give her a glance as she heads out the door. At least she can go home and tell her son Kale all about alfalfa. The other women are upset that Kelsey’s dead husband story worked and that she got a rose. They are particularly upset because Samantha also has a sob story but didn’t get to tell it. Forget the sob story ladies, Samantha didn’t even get to say “Hello”. Kaitlyn wants to punch Kelsey in the teeth holder. Carly calls Kelsey “the black widow.” Kelsey reminds me of Casey Anthony and that is NOT a good thing.
Everyone heads back to their rooms where they pack for the next leg of their journey. We watch Farmer Chris get dressed and are relieved when he puts his shirt on and covers his big gut. We are heading back to the United States to the beautiful, romantic, highly sought after destination of Deadwood, South Dakota, which everyone knows is the perfect place to fall in love or get shot in the back. Farmer Chris describes Deadwood as “bad ass” and to prove it he takes naked pictures is a metal tub because he is a tough guy in the Wild West.
The girls arrive and are told there will be a one-on-one date, a group date, and drumroll please, the dreaded two-on-one date. The girls woo hoo and shout “Hello Deadwood” from their balcony. Deadwood does not answer, and the albino cat who lives across the street looks really annoyed.
Britt stands on the hotel balcony in a bra and sweatpants and talks to Kelsey about the upcoming one-on-one date. Kelsey is determined to get this date because she worked hard and earned it, starting with the murder of her husband two years ago.
The date card arrives and asks Becca “Let’s Give Love a Shot.” Kelsey pouts so much that she pulls a muscle in her face. She immediately starts planning her fake aneurysm.
BECCA ONE ON ONE DATE
Farmer Chris walks through the fields of South Dakota and thinks about his upcoming date with Becca, who is the only girl he hasn’t kissed. The date is horseback riding. That’s it. I got nothing else.
Back at the hotel, Carly, Whitney and Kaitlyn are holding a meeting of the “We Hate Kelsey Club” of which Carly is the President. They trash talk until Kelsey walks in and sits down right in between Carly and Vice President Kaitlyn. Whitney the Treasurer calls Kelsey out about her awkward laughing during the rose ceremony. In a shocking turn of events, Kelsey plays the victim and starts to cry. She blames her rose ceremony laughter on being nervous and confused, and, of course, having a dead husband. Carly tells Kelsey that she is not a nice girl and that no one appreciates her sly comments. Kelsey is shocked because she has so much respect and admiration for the girls, and never intended to insult anyone. She then clarifies to the camera that the girls misunderstand her because she is smart and has eloquence and uses big words. Here are some big words for you Kelsey: psychopath, sociopath, narcissistic, homicidal maniac – do any of those sound familiar? Kelsey then reminds us that her husband is dead, and says “I am not going to lose a husband and be ganged up on by these girls.” Dang! You tell em Kelsey! So basically Kelsey apologizes for being better than everyone else, and screw them. Hopefully the Superintendent of her school district is watching. Kelsey is yet another reason why it is beneficial to homeschool your children.
Back on Becca’s date (yawn), it is nighttime and they sit by a fire and cook shish-ka-bobs. Becca makes Farmer Chris giggle his girly dolphin laugh, which makes her laugh at him, not with him. He asks her where she sees herself in 5 years, and she says she wants kids. He says he wants 4-6 kids. They should get married and become The Duggars. She feels chemistry and he gives her butterflies. Becca hasn’t kissed Farmer Chris yet because she is a virgin and doesn’t want her dad to see her kiss anyone. He offers her the rose, she accepts and they kiss. Sorry you had to see that Becca’s dad. So much for being the last holdout of the Tongue Bandit, but at least the boring date is over. They are perfect for each other.
Back at the hotel, the next date card arrives and invites Whitney, Jade, Britt, Kaitlyn, Carly and Megan on a group date called “Let’s Make Sweet Music.” We now know that Kelsey and Crylashes will go on the dreaded two-on-one. Crylashes says she is going to kick some Kelsey ass. Kelsey laughs her evil laugh. Let the games begin!
Farmer Chris gathers his girlfriends and they arrive at the Old Style Saloon where they will be writing and singing country songs. Megan is happy because she is from Nashville, and knows country music even though she is not quite sure where she is at that moment. Carly the cruise ship singer is also in her element, but still hasn’t asked anyone for help with her eyebrows. Jade on the other hand, is not so much in her element. Don’t fret Jade, because Big & Rich are here to help! I guess they are a big deal, but being from New York and hating country music, I have no idea who they are. To me they are just 2 strange guys in hats who sing a song about riding a cowboy. They must be a big deal, however, because Whitney practically wets herself when she sees them.
Upon noticing that Jade is struggling (i.e., sitting alone) Big or Rich (don’t know, don’t care) slithers up to her table, grabs her hand and drags her out of the bar and into the street. They run up Main Street USA while Big or Rich yells something unintelligible in an attempt to get Jade’s creative juices flowing. Jade does an impressive job keeping up with him in heels.
Jade comes back with a new-found confidence and sits down to write her song, only to look up and see Farmer Chris and Britt making out at the bar. Jade says it’s hard to write a love song when your man is so into someone else. Come on girl, even I know that this is the stuff country songs are made of! Jade, that is your #1 song right there – just ask Taylor Swift.
Eventually, the songs are written and Chris offers to be the first to share his little ditty. He is an awful singer but impresses us with his attempts to rhyme “prairie” with “marry” and “searching for my wife my whole damn life.” Britt goes next and sings about sweet music. Farmer Chris loves it and can hardly keep from “bawling” (his word, not mine). Whitney’s singing voice is worse than her speaking voice as if that were possible, and Kaitlyn curses and sings about whiskey, which makes her my favorite. Megan isn’t worth mentioning because I can’t even remember anything about her other than her silver headband which is cutting off the oxygen to her brain.
Carly uses her turn to drag Farmer Chris up on stage and sing directly into his face while she keeps the beat by tapping on her knee. Jade goes last and is God awful. When all is said and done, they celebrate by square dancing around the bar.
Later that night, the ladies gather in the same bar, in the same clothes, for the night time portion of their date. Farmer Chris lies and says it was one of the best days of his life. He takes Jade off for a little one on one time and she tells him she has feelings for him and can see herself living with him in Iowa. Farmer Chris seems ambivalent about Jade’s declaration (look Kelsey, I used two big words in one sentence) but is happy because Iowa is the perfect place for a cosmetics developer. Kaitlyn spends some time with Farmer Chris at the bar and talks about chemistry and soulmates, which reassures her. The girls discuss the noticeable absence of the group date rose.
While the ladies are pondering the missing group date rose, Farmer Chris and Britt are off in a corner making goo-goo eyes at each other. Suddenly, Farmer Chris pulls Britt out of the bar and drags up the street to sneak off for a little tryst. Don’t worry about this Farmer Chris, it certainly won’t make the other women who are sitting at the Old Style Saloon feel like idiots or anything. I mean, have you ever met a woman before? They generally don’t like it when you sneak off with another woman.
They run and giggle and quickly arrive at the Big & Rich concert up the street. I still don’t know who they are, but Britt does. She says “I know these guys, from earlier today.” Yes Britt, those are the same 2 guys you met a few hours ago. They spend the entire concert making out in the crowd. When the concert ends, they go up on stage, hug Big & Rich, and Britt is thrilled to share her virgin country music experience with Farmer Chris. Why is there so much virgin talk this season? Farmer Chris offers Britt the rose on stage. She screams yes, the crowd cheers, they kiss and they dance. Well, at least Britt dances; Farmer Chris just sort of grinds his hips and looks like a big doofus.
The girls are sitting at the bar when Farmer Chris and a rose toting Britt walk back in holding hands. Farmer Chris gives a speech about how hard this process is getting, and how he gave Britt the rose in private. Then he does what any respectable guy in his position would do; he hightails it out of there speedy quick and leaves Britt to fend for herself. That Farmer Chris really is a stand up guy.
The girls are stunned! Carly cries. Britt apologizes. Whitney gives Britt the stink eye. Kaitlyn also cries and says she is humiliated. Britt wishes there wasn’t tension between the women, and tells the girls they have to blame Farmer Chris too. Carly feels invisible again. Kaitlyn runs to the ladies room and cries loudly enough for everyone to hear. I think the reason the show hasn’t travelled to places other than New Mexico and South Dakota is that ABC is spending their entire budget on therapy for these women. Let me give you some advice ladies, any man who makes you sit for an hour while he sneaks off on a date with another woman is not worth waiting for. Find some dignity and go home.
KELSEY AND CRYLASHES TWO ON ONE
Back at the hotel the two-on-one date card arrives, and reads “Two girls, one rose. One stays one goes. Lets have good times in the Badlands.” Kelsey is so excited that they are heading to the Badlands because that is where she buried her dead husband. Crylashes doesn’t know where or what the Badlands are, but her eyelashes are thick and long and are ready for anything.
Before Crylashes and Kelsey leave for their date, they pack their suitcases and leave them by the door because the loser of this installment of the Hunger Games gets sent home immediately.
Crylashes refers to herself as Glinda the Good Witch and is ready to take out The Widowed Witch of the West. The threesome hop in a helicopter and fly over Mt. Rushmore. Kelsey proves she failed 3rd grade by incorrectly naming the presidents, while Crylashes sulks and rolls her eyes. The helicopter lands next to a lonely looking canopy bed set up on some carpet remnants. They toast and quickly run out of things to say, so they sit in awkward silence and drink chardonnay.
Crylashes and Farmer Chris head off for some alone time which gives Kelsey an opportunity to visit the body of her dead husband. Crylashes sucks Farmer Chris’s face off again while they sit on a towel on the side of a mountain. Their time together has all the romance of a fart. Farmer Chris asks Crylashes how she is holding up with the other girls (as if he cares) and she tells him there is drama, that she doesn’t gel with Kelsey and that all the other girls think Kelsey is fake. Crylashes thinks that she is doing Farmer Chris a favor, but c’mon, everyone knows that you NEVER talk shit about the other girls directly to The Bachelor. Crylashes, have you not seen this show before? Not realizing her fatal error, Crylashes is confident that she will get the rose because she is a sexy virgin.
Next it’s Crylashes turn to sit in the lonely bed while Farmer Chris asks Kelsey how things are going for her. Kelsey answers but Chris doesn’t really care what she has to say as evidenced by his big sigh. He says it’s important that the person he marries can handle social situations well. Because there are so many black tie affairs in Arlington, Iowa. Kelsey says she is ready to be his wife because she has already been one: just ask my dead husband, he is right over there. Farmer Chris shows his inner 12 year old girl side and tells Kelsey “Crylashes just talked shit about you and said that you are fake.” Really Farmer Chris? What is wrong with you? Kelsey is shocked because she thought she and Crylashes were tight. Really Kelsey? What is wrong with you? Farmer Chris then says Crylashes also told him “all the other girls feel the same way too.” Another big sigh. I’m starting to not blame living in Iowa anymore for the fact that Farmer Chris is still single.
Kelsey comes down the mountain alone which makes us fear for Farmer Chris’s safety. Did Kelsey kill him and dispose of his body or did he make a run for it? Kelsey is mad and calls Crylashes a Kardashian with too much makeup, which is an oxymoron, unless you are talking about Bruce. He doesn’t have a heavy hand just yet.
Kelsey returns to the lonely bed, sits next to Crylashes and stares hate daggers into her skull.
Crylashes doesn’t make eye contact and continues to drink her wine while looking for an escape route. Kelsey continues to stare her down and eventually says in a voice from The Exorcist “I know what you did and don’t appreciate it.” Crylashes repsonds by telling Kelsey “I am not from Pleasantville, I am from freaking 2014 and even though I don’t use big words, I am just as smart as you and also have a Masters Degree from a good place.” Bam! Take that Kelsey.
Crylashes finds Farmer Big Mouth, drags him over some hills and rips him a new asshole while simultaneously throwing a temper tantrum. She asks him “Why did you tell her what I said to you” and cries and cries and cries. Farmer Big Mouth defends himself by saying that he had to hear Kelsey’s side of the story. Crylashes violently wipes her nose, chokes on her tears, snorts and gags, and picks chunks of fallen mascara off her face.
Farmer Chris tries to send Crylashes home by telling her that he feels like at this point they are in different places. She continues to sniffle and snort. He then blames himself and says he can’t give her the lifestyle that she really wants. She cries harder but manages to pull herself together long enough to throw Britt under the bus by telling him “Do you think that Britt wants that lifestyle?” Crylashes storms off, gets mad when he doesn’t follow her, and whines “Chris, are you kidding me.” She marches back to him, hugs him and cries some more before finally walking back to the sad bed and a smirking Kelsey.
In the hotel, the door opens and the Suitcase Fairy takes Crylashes’ bag and throws it down the garbage chute. The girls are stunned and horrified because that means that Kelsey will be back. Back at the Badlands, Crylashes sits alone and laugh-cries and babbles to herself about second chances. She cries like someone just ran over her cat. She asks the camera man “Can we not do this now?” It’s now or never Crylashes, because in less than an hour you will be on a plane back to New Jersey.
Farmer Chris, who by the way is completely to blame for ruining this fabulous canopy bed in the desert date, plunks himself down on the bed with Kelsey, sighs and tells her he just sent Crylashes home. As if he didn’t already know that she knew that from the evil smirk on her face. Kelsey says she is sorry and hugs him. “It’s a loss” she says, and tries to put on her best “it’s a loss” face. Farmer Chris then launches into the longest, most inane send off sentence in the history of The Bachelor – “I have thought a lot about our conversation and…(sigh) I…(sigh) I…just don’t know if (mumble) and… (breathe) I feel like right now…in this situation and circumstances at hand…I just feel like…the best thing I can do is be honest with you… and… I hate this situation and I hate putting anyone through this any longer than they actually have to be because it’s horrible and I feel like you deserve someone who is 110% in and right now… I can’t be that for you.” She responds “it’s OK.” He wishes her the best, tells her to “take care” and leaves in the helicopter, stranding both Crylashes and Kelsey in the Badlands. If the children of this country are lucky, Kelsey will be eaten by coyote.
Back at the hotel, the door opens and the Suitcase Fairy retrieves Kelsey’s bag and down the garbage chute it goes. The girls go crazy and do a happy dance! In a voiceover, Kelsey talks about her amazing story while Carly pours champagne. Kelsey has no regrets because she came there to challenge herself with the adventure of love, and once again, she will rise above. Right now the only thing rising above you is Farmer Chris and the helicopter. I hope Crylashes or Kelsey can summon an Uber cab before nightfall.
Next week there will be a 2 day Bachelor event – Sunday and Monday nights. Unfortunately for me, I will not be around to recap either of those shows. I am particularly sad because the promos promise we will see Britt like we’ve never seen her before: In the shower.
See you in 2 weeks!