by Denise Weiss
SWEAT STAINS AND SIGHS
Here is my recap of last week’s 5 hour Bachelor marathon – Arlington sucks and nobody wants to live there.
Hello and welcome to Fantasy Suite week! We are at the point in our journey where Farmer Chris will have sex with as many girls as possible before dumping one of them. The question on everyone’s mind is whether Whitney, Becca and/or Kaitlyn will forgo their individual rooms and sleep with a man they barely know, yet have fallen desperately in love with, in an attempt to win a lifetime in a town with a population of 500 (cows included).
We welcome Farmer Chris and the wanna-be Farmerettes to Denpasar, Bali, home of beautiful beaches, majestic temples and wrinkly old villagers. Bali is the perfect place to fall in love, and Farmer Chris is looking forward to taking Whitney, Becca, and Kaitlyn out for an intimacy test ride, wink wink. Farmer Chris stares pensively across the ocean and says he can see himself marrying all three of the remaining women. Sorry Farmer Chris, but this isn’t Sister Wives and you can only have one so let’s get this shit show on the road.
The first date goes to Kaitlyn who runs to Farmer Chris, jumps on him and wraps her legs around his waist. She is wearing pink denim undies and her jump/straddle move offends the local culture. Where is the black box of shame when you really need it?
After Kaitlyn tucks her ass back into her shorts, they head to a temple that requires them to don sarongs before they can enter. They are not allowed to kiss in the temple so they walk around with baskets on their heads to pass the time. Kaitlyn says it was romantic and outside her comfort zone. Speaking of comfort zone, Kaitlyn’s hair looks like it has stepped out of its comfort zone and into the stringy, frizzy, droopy zone.
They walk around town and talk to the locals. Farmer Chris introduces Kaitlyn as his girlfriend. The locals don’t care but are surely offended by Kaitlyn’s pink undies camel toe. Suddenly, the street is full of monkeys. Farmer Chris thinks he is the “monkey whisperer” and tries to talk to one of the monkeys. The monkey hisses at him. Smart monkey.
Farmer Chris and Kaitlyn wander into a monkey jungle where Farmer Chris holds bananas on his head and monkeys climb all over him. Kaitlyn tells him one of them peed on him but he says, “No problem, just a little pee-pee.” The monkey pee-pee is no problem for Farmer Chris who is used to having animals pee and defecate on him. His biggest problem, however, are that his armpit sweat stains are so big that they are soaking his shirt down the entire length of his arms. Whose idea was it to wear a long sleeve shirt in Indonesia anyway?
Kaitlyn compares falling in love to being a monkey going after a banana. They sit on a bench and sweat and kiss. Kaitlyn tells Farmer Chris that she is afraid she has been too guarded around him. Guarded? This is the girl who asked Farmer Chris to plow her field and jumped in a lake half naked.
Later that night, Farmer Chris and Kaitlyn have dinner and a boring conversation. I’m not really sure what the talked about because all I could focus on was Kaitlyn’s sweaty forehead and drooping, lifeless hair. Kaitlyn is sweating like a whore in church and I wonder why someone doesn’t bring over an oscillating fan?
Farmer Chris tells Kaitlyn that he has a surprise for her in his pants, and he pulls out the “forgo your individual room and stay together as a couple in the fantasy suite” card. Suddenly, Kaitlyn’s guard is down and she can’t imagine saying no to that offer. Farmer Chris is thinking, “Oh boy oh boy I’m gonna have sex” and agrees that they deserve to spend the night together. Please Farmer Chris, don’t act like you spent the day in Bali on a human rights mission – you walked the streets drinking beer and playing with monkeys. You don’t deserve anything other than the free trip to Bali.
They arrive at the fantasy suite which is full of everything they need, including a useless tub filled with rose petals. It is so romantic that Kaitlyn tells Farmer Chris that she is completely falling in love with him. Farmer Chris tells her that he is falling in love with her too. WHAT? Wait a minute! Isn’t that against the rules?? Oh wait, I forgot, there are no rules this season.
OK, really, there has to be another fantasy suite with air conditioning somewhere in Bali. At a minimum, maybe the intern who filled the tub with rose petals can get Kaitlyn one of those spray bottle/fan things. Or a brush and pony tail holder. Despite the heat and humidity and sweat dripping off both of them, Farmer Chris draws the shades. Game on.
Whitney is up next, and she too mounts Farmer Chris with the “jump, straddle legs around his waist in my short shorts” move. If Whitney ends up marrying Farmer Chris, is she going to do that every time he comes in from milking the cows? Maybe I should try that tonight when my husband walks in the door. (Note to self – call ambulance and have them on standby to take Michael to the hospital tonight after I land on him and break all his ribs attempting the jump, leg straddle move) Whitney has more keratin than Kaitlyn so her hair looks pretty good, but she is sporting an orange spray tan and looks like an Oompa Loompa with bright pink lipstick.
Their date is a chartered ship through the Indian Ocean with a captain who rams into the dock on the way out of the port. Once again, Farmer Chris has chosen to wear long sleeves. They sail and drink wine. Farmer Chris sweats.
Whitney is worried that her sister has ruined her chances for lifelong happiness with Farmer Chris. She drinks her wine and whines about her sister in a voice that is higher and more annoying than usual. She tells Farmer Chris that her sister is an irritating attorney who took care of her all her life. She rambles on and on and on, and her voice gets higher and higher and higher. Farmer Chris throws in an obligatory “yeah, uh huh, hmmmm” every so often, but mostly looks bored and sweaty. Eventually Whitney stops talking and Farmer Chris says, “I respect your sister’s opinion.” He is such a conversationalist.
After Whitney lays across Farmer Chris’ sweaty chest for a little while, he suggests they “take the plunge.” They strip down to bathing suits, jump in the water, and quickly return to their positions on the deck. This gives the cameraman an opportunity to get shots of Whitney’s crotch. The captain gives his thumbs up to their relationship and Whitney reaffirms that she is going to marry Farmer Chris.
Later that night, Farmer Chris gets straight to the point about how horrible and lonely it is to live in Arlington. He is worried about Whitney giving up the job she loves, and tries to tell her how unhappy she will be if she moves there. Whitney responds in her whiney baby voice that even though she worked hard for her career and loves her job, what she wants most in this world is to move to Arlington and start pumping out mini farmers. What I want most in this world is for someone to give Whitney a bobby pin for the stray piece of hair that keeps sticking to her face. Whitney pushes the hair aside and boldly states that she is not afraid to move to God forsaken Arlington because “it’s not where you are it’s who you are with.” You say that now Whitney, but just wait until you are actually living in Arlington with Farmer Chris, 12 children, 18 cows and not a bar or liquor store for 2 hours in any direction. Farmer Chris responds by sweating profusely. Whitney is so desperate to get married and have babies that she seems to have forgotten that there are single men living in metropolitan areas. Seriously Whitney, you don’t have to be so desperate.
With that, Farmer Chris pulls out the infamous “forgo card” and Whitney is ready to climb on his back faster than a monkey looking for a banana. Farmer Chris is happy to oblige and hopes the night in the fantasy suite will make their relationship “deeper and stronger.” His words, not mine.
By now, Farmer Chris is sweating like a pig and I really don’t understand why ABC couldn’t find a hotel with air conditioning. I also don’t understand what Whitney sees in Farmer Chris that would make her move to a town where she can’t meet a friend for lunch or get a pedicure. Even marrying Bradley Cooper wouldn’t be enough to get me to move to Arlington.
They walk in the fantasy suite and Whitney tells it to shut up, which we learned last week is her favorite expression. Farmer Chris sweats some more and closes the curtains. Game on.
Becca gets the last date and although she is falling in love, she is very nervous about the fantasy suite/virgin thing. She does not greet him with the jump, straddle, leg wrap around the waist move, but instead gives him a big hug. In this heat and humidity, she will soon regret wearing black shorts made out of garbage bags on her date.
They walk around for a while and make out in a field of weeds while a Bali farmer feeds chickens next to them. Farmer Chris talks about farming. They drink from fruit, high five village children and Becca’s hair is under control.
After walking across a rickety bridge and boring her to death with talk of irrigation, Farmer Chris takes Becca to meet the friendly village psychic and find out about their future together. After affirming that they are a “good couple” and will make “good parents” the creepy psychic’s next piece of advice is that they “make love” on their date. Farmer Chris likes that answer and giggles like a pre-teen boy; Becca doesn’t care for that answer at all. This date sucks.
Later that night, Becca is still worried about the fantasy suite/virgin thing and Farmer Chris is still worried about how shitty it is to live in Arlington. They talk a lot yet say nothing. They are the world’s most boring couple and neither of them can formulate a thought or complete a sentence. Becca thinks she might be falling in love because she never felt this way before, but before she moves to Arlington she needs to be 100% sure. Farmer Chris tells her that he is falling in love with her and wants to spend the rest of his life with her. THAT IS A CLEAR RULE VIOLATION! They kiss and Farmer Chris says, “It is time to get to know each other on a whole different level.” He hands her the forgo card and Becca looks around for an active volcano to throw herself into. She realizes now is the time to tell him, but starts second guessing her decision to remain a virgin until marriage. Seriously Becca, you have been saving yourself for marriage for all these years but now you are thinking of giving it up for some guy you met on a TV show who just spent the past 2 nights screwing 2 other girls. Puh-lease Becca, get a grip.
Farmer Chris tires of sitting at the dinner table so he leads Becca into the fantasy suite and pours her some champagne. They walk around the suite and Farmer Chris talks about how much he is looking forward to being intimate with her. Little does he know.
Finally, just as Farmer Chris is about to drop his pants and put on a condom, Becca says “So….I have to tell you something…(long pause, useless chatter, blah blah)…I am a virgin.” Farmer Chris is silent but his eyebrows are saying, “Are you fucking kidding me!” He lets out a big SIGH and once the blood has returned to his brain he says “I’m glad…that you…and I…(SIGH) never easy to respond to that stuff…doesn’t…ummm…but i respect that… in a lot of ways… and I would be lying…if I said that doesn’t…it…it surprises me…and uhhh…I think that says a lot about who you are…and …that’s the honest to God truth…and I’m more interested in figuring out if this is going to work.” What Farmer Chris is trying to say is “Does that mean a blow job is out of the question?”
Becca is relieved and so happy with his response, which she thinks was perfect. Becca clearly doesn’t know how to read between the lines or Farmer Chris’ eyebrows. They kiss and Farmer Chris pulls the curtains closed. Game off.
The next day Becca walks on the beach and Farmer Chris is confused about who to send home. He explains that the difference between the girls is that Kaitlyn and Whitney have told him that they love him, and more importantly, are willing to move to Arlington, whereas Becca will not commit to either. Who are you kidding Farmer Chris? The difference is that Kaitlyn and Whitney did the deed and Becca gave you blue balls. He really wants all 3 girls to meet his family and he chokes back tears as he thinks about sending one of them home. His emotions eventually get the best of him and Farmer Chris cries. It’s all so emotional – please pass the tissues.
In the nick of time, Chris Harrison (who has fallen asleep on the beach with his sunglasses on) arrives and offers no advice.
Farmer Chris arrives at yet a third temple for the rose ceremony and is told that there will be nothing more than hand holding on these sacred grounds. Let’s just forget that we are here because you spent the last 3 nights with 3 different women and you are about to dump one of them; just please respect this holy place. Farmer Chris, Chris Harrison and the girls are dressed in traditional Indonesian outfits, and Farmer Chris looks like a cross between Aladdin, the Karate Kid and the Stay-Puff Marshmallow guy. The girls are dressed in neon and strike matching geisha poses. Whitney’s eyelashes are clumped together and Becca’s hair looks like a rat’s nest.
Farmer Chris stands next to the two roses, looks at the three girls and SIGHS. Twenty minutes later he asks Becca to join him for a minute outside the temple. He takes her up a flight of stairs, sits next to her and attempts to catch his breath after the strenuous trip up the stairs. They talk and spend a lot of time trying go convince themselves that they are good for each other. Becca practically begs him to keep her around and I wonder if Farmer Chris is as distracted as I am by her eyelashes which have grown significantly since the night before. He tells her he really cares about her, and SIGHS, but I have no idea what he is trying to say because he never actually finishes a sentence.
Meanwhile, back in the hallowed grounds of the temple, Whitney and Kaitlyn are confident that Becca is going home and they are as happy as Pharrell. Hey ladies – gossiping in the temple is a no-no! Looks like Kaitlyn counted her chickens too soon because shortly after the girls finish their “bye-bye Becca happy dance” Farmer Chris returns with Becca in tow.
Farmer Chris tells Whitney and Kaitlyn that he had to collect his thoughts, but he’s finally ready to make his decision. He SIGHS. He SIGHS again. The first rose goes to WHITNEY. He SIGHS. The second and final rose goes to BECCA.
Farmer Chris walks Kaitlyn outside the temple and she can’t even look at him. “What happened” she asks? He SIGHS again. Then he tries to talk but doesn’t finish his sentence for a change. He mumbles and whispers “I’m so sorry” (SIGH) “this is hard” (SIGH) “sometimes things don’t make sense” (SIGH), and mid confession, a rooster crows (talk about a cock block). He SIGHS.
He walks her to the waiting minivan for rejects and (SIGH) Kaitlyn cries (SIGH). He awkwardly holds her head against his sweaty chest for a minute and then releases his grip and opens the minivan door (SIGH). Once Kaitlyn is safely buckled in the back seat, she sort of cries. She says this is the most humiliating moment of her whole freaking life, and that she is really, really confused. She wipes her nose with the back of her hand and her fingers and checks for snot. Farmer Chris walks away and SIGHS. He paces outside the temple and SIGHS. He walks around in circles and SIGHS. He wipes away in tears and the rooster SIGHS. I mean crows. Farmer Chris sits on the steps of the temple and SIGHS.
Kaitlyn gets my vote for The Bachelorette.
Next week The Women Tell All and the return of Ashley Onion!