By Denise Weiss
E-I-E-I-OMG these girls are Bat Shit crazy!
Howdy partners and Rose Lovers and welcome to Season 19 of The Bachelor! Grab your favorite flannel shirt and hop aboard as we join Chris Soules on his journey to find a soulmate. Better hold onto your hats, for we are about to meet 30 of the craziest, drunkest, prom dress wearing group of women ever gathered in the mansion.
Our season starts on a faux red carpet where Chris Harrison, surrounded by screaming fans and former Bachelor/Bachelorette rejects, promises a season “unlike anything we’ve ever seen before.” Behind him, the former Bachelor/Bachelorette losers guzzle free champagne and pretend to mingle with each other. Chris Harrison elaborates that “tonight’s rose ceremony will be the strangest rose ceremony we’ve ever seen on the show.” Yeah, right. He then says that this season has “a virgin who spends the night in the fantasy suite, a wholesome girl with an x-rated past and two widows.” Sounds like ABC has really scraped the bottom of the barrel this time.
As usual, we start by getting to know our Bachelor. Chris Soules (a/k/a Farmer Chris) is a 33 year old, 4th generation farmer who lives in Arlington Iowa, population 416. Apparently there are no women in Arlington, just eighty year old men and Chris, and they all hang out in a local bar decorated with beer cans. Farmer Chris says it would take him a lifetime to meet 25 women, and that becoming The Bachelor is the best way for him to find love. That is so sad and makes me wonder how other farmers have managed to reproduce without the help of Chris Harrison and ABC.
We follow Prince Farming as he rides a Harley around Arlington, leans on a fence post, picks a green leaf and eats it, and stares lovingly across his field of dreams. Before we can even get the word metaphor out, Chris says “love is a lot like farming. You plant a seed, hope it grows. Sometimes the weather isn’t on your side but with luck something beautiful can come from it.” Excuse me for a moment while I vomit.
In an effort to get The Bachelor in tip top shape, Farmer Chris does push ups on hay bales with his new trainer, former Bachelorette contestant, meathead Cody. Once Farmer Chris’ abs are rock hard and he shows off his impressive guns, he is ready to leave the farm during the height of harvest season to find a wife. If only someone invented farmersoulmate.com, then Chris could plow the fields and find true love on his iPhone at the same time. Damn, I wish I had thought of that sooner.
Back on the sad faux red carpet, Chris Harrison wastes an hour of our time asking Sean and Catherine when they are going to have babies, listening to Lacey tells us she and Marcus are 80/40 set on a wedding date, and grilling Neekee on her failed relationship with Juan Pablo. Chris talks to Neekee much longer than necessary, and makes small talk with her for the sole purpose of staring at her noticeably larger breasts. It’s a mind numbing conversation and Neekee sounds like a high school sophomore. Eeeees OK Neekee, your 15 minutes are over- have some more free champagne.
Now that we have wasted an hour, let’s meet some of the Farmer Bride wannabe’s:
Britt is a 27 year old waitress from Hollywood CA, which means she is an actress. She confesses that her last relationship was sexless, but describes herself as a touchy person who likes to give hugs to strangers. Gee I wonder why that relationship ended. Hugs might be free, but I bet she charges hourly for everything else.
Jillian is a 25 year old news reporter from DC who works out and can dead lift more than most men she knows. She can do pull ups with a 100 lb weight between her well carved thighs. She scares me. I don’t know how she managed to tuck her balls into those tiny gym shorts. Farmer Chris should keep her around to haul hay in case the tractor breaks down.
Amanda is a 24 year old ballet teacher from Illinois who tells the producers that she is single because “I am f***ing crazy.” She lives at home with her mom because she doesn’t like to cook or clean or pay bills. That’s exactly what every man is looking for in a wife. Oh, and she refers to Farmer Chris as “a panty dropper.”
Whitney is a 29 year old fertility nurse also from Illinois, with a really annoying voice that sounds like Bart Simpson sucking helium and holding his nose at the same time. Listening to her made my ears hurt and caused the neighborhood dogs to howl.
Mackenzie is a 21 year old dental assistant with a young son named Kale. I’m pretty sure his real name is Billy, but she changed it to Kale to impress Farmer Chris. Her looks are as plain as a bowl of vanilla ice cream and she has about as much personality.
Alissa is a 24 year old flight attendant from NY. She seems nice and cute. I never get flight attendants like her. I always get the flight attendant named Marge who needs a lip wax and bangs me in the arm with the beverage cart.
Kelsey is a 25 year old school counselor from Austin, Texas whose husband dropped dead on his way to work one day. Despite her bad luck in the husband dropping dead department, Kelsey has decided that instead of staying home and crying about her loss, she is going to pick herself up and go on The Bachelor. I’m a little scared that this is the type of person who is guiding our nation’s youth.
Now that we have met a few of the women, it is time for Farmer Chris to leave Iowa. Chris hops on his motorcycle and arrives in Los Angeles, where he is utterly exhausted after being measured for some new clothes. He confesses that he is not staying in a safe house in an undisclosed location far away from the mansion, but rather he is staying right across the street so he can be closer to the ladies. Good luck with that. Chris showers off the smell of farm living in an outdoor shower (do they not have indoor plumbing in Iowa?) and gets ready to meet the lucky ladies who will fight to the death to win his heart. The smell of desperation in the air can only mean one thing- the first limo has arrived!
Britt is the first one out and greats Farmer Chris with a 28 second big bear hug that is so strenuous that it causes her to pant uncontrollably. She is really really happy to see Chris (it’s as if he has just returned home from war) and slips him a note that says “free hugs.” She tells him to come find her later so she can explain her note. I’m pretty sure “free hugs” is self explanatory Britt.
Whitney is wearing yellow shoes the color of Big Bird and says she wouldn’t be there if he were not The Bachelor. Her voice sounds like a 45 rpm record set to 78. (Wow did I just show my age!)
Kelsey the widow wears her ear length hair in an up do, which in itself is pretty impressive. She is very cute and sweet and is too nice to be there.
Megan is a 24 year old makeup artist who looks like she forgot to brush her hair.
Ashley I. arrives next and thank God for that because no season is complete without at least one Ashley. She is a freelance journalist who has a hard time walking in her dress.
Trina is a 32 year old special ed teacher who is rocking the side pony tail.
Reegan is a 28 year old cadaver tissue saleswoman, which I think might be illegal in most states. She arrives with a piece of dead person in a bio hazard cooler. If Chris wakes up missing a kidney one morning, we will all know who blame. Farmer Chris says the bloody heart in the cooler is “awesome” which really means “ew”.
Tara is a “sports fishing enthusiast” which is this season’s career equivalent of “dog lover.” She arrives in Daisy Dukes and cowboy boots and really wants to emphasize the farm thing. Despite the fact that she says she doesn’t care if the other ladies judge her for not wearing a dress on the first night (which they do), she magically pulls out a black dress and leopard heels, puts her hair up, sneaks back into the limo and reintroduces herself to a confused Chris. Oddly, he remembers her from 3 minutes ago. She is happy Chris got to see the real her. Yee haw!
Amber brought a teddy bear. Nikki is a former NFL cheerleader. Who cares?
Amanda is the next girl out of the limo. She asks the driver to give Farmer Chris a note because she wants to be his secret admirer, like he was for Andi last season. I bet Amanda’s mom wrote this note because I’m sure note writing is something else Amanda doesn’t like to do, like paying bills and housework. Not only is she f***ing crazy, she’s f***ing lazy! After the driver hands Chris the note, Amanda sneaks up and hugs him from behind before she runs into the mansion.
Jillian the she-man flexes and makes Farmer Chris feel her bicep.
Mackenzie is wearing a neon green dress and also didn’t bother to comb her hair. Or wash it.
Ashley S. is the second Ashley of the night and is a hairstylist from Brooklyn who is definitely on the verge of a psychotic breakdown. I’m pretty sure she is hearing voices.
Kaitlyn arrives and is wearing a short, tight red dress. After introducing herself she boldly tells Chris “you can plow the f*** outta my field any day.” She is so confused by Farmer Chris’ silence to that clever and stunning remark that she asks him “You’re not Chris?” Uh, no, he is in fact Chris, he is just speechless because WHO SAYS THAT?? And is she trying to tell him that she needs her field plowed because she hasn’t waxed in a few months? SMH!
Once the 15 ladies are inside, Chris Harrison tells Farmer Chris to get in there and “go get ‘em!” Chris Harrison slaps Farmer Chris across the face for luck like a jewish mother does to her daughter when she gets her first period. Farmer Chris is a little surprised that there are only 15 women, but he is grateful because it is 14 more than he usually dates. Like most men. After Chris toasts the ladies with “I’ve been in you guyses shoes,” Kaitlyn steals the spotlight and tells an off color joke about a walrus, Tupperware and a tight seal. The other 14 women are horrified. Someone please stop her.
While the women happily discuss that there are only 15 of them, Britt takes this opportunity to get the first one on one time with Farmer Chris. Britt explains the note she handed him out of the limo and tells Chris that her free hugs will be a “safe haven” from the storm of the other women, and that she wants to be the shoulder he can cry on. Despite the fact that she currently lives in Hollywood, she tells Chris that she wants to raise her family in a small town, even though she has never been to one. Chris is smitten. Just when it looks like Farmer Chris and Britt are going to ride off into the sunset and we can call this whole season quits, Chris Harrison arrives with the first impression rose. The women discuss the importance of receiving the first impression rose, which then sparks an intelligent conversation between Mackenzie and Kaitlyn about the color of lifejackets.
Meanwhile, back in the live studio audience, Chris Harrison has managed to locate a few women who actually live in Chris’ hometown. If you live in Iowa you must have short hair and wear a tacky black plastic necklace.
Just when we thought nothing could top the conversation about whether lifejackets are red or orange, Whitney tells Farmer Chris that she is a fertility nurse and asks him if he has ever inseminated a pig. Is she comparing the women she helps impregnate with hogs?
After Chris finishes denying that he inseminates farm animals, he goes searching for his secret admirer, only to discover Crazy Eyes Amanda! Her eyes are bugging out so wide that I’m surprised they didn’t fall out of her head and onto his lap. She calls them goo-goo eyes- we just call them crazy!
Just when we are getting to know these 15 ladies, Chris Harrison takes Farmer Chris outside because he has a SURPRISE! There are more limos which means more women! The original 15 are pissed and Chris doesn’t look so happy either because he can barely remember these girls’ names.
The second set of ladies arrive, and they are pretty much mirror images of the first set. We barely get to meet the second set because all we can hear is the first set of women moaning and groaning about the arrival of the second set! And not to be outdone, the second set has some tricks to impress Farmer Chris as well:
Samantha is a pretty girl in a white dress who is told by the first set that she is part of a special surprise limo and isn’t really welcome in the mansion.
Michelle is a wedding cake decorator from Utah.
Juelia spells her name in a very annoying way which keeps screwing up my autocorrect. Unless she changes the spelling of her name to Julia, she is going to have to leave.
Becca is dressed like a blue sparkly disco ball and the first set are really mad because Farmer Chris is “checking her out.”
Tandra arrives on a motorcycle dressed in an evening gown. Impressive.
Alissa is the flight attendant and she brought her own seat belt. Jillian finds that creative. Someone please pass me a barf bag.
Jordan is a student who brings her own bottle of whiskey and does shots with Farmer Chris. This shot is clearly not her first shot of the night. Nor is it her last.
Nicole is a red head with a long neck who arrives wearing a pig nose so she can “ham it up” for Farmer Chris. Ashely I. points out that Farmer Chris doesn’t even have pigs.
Tracy is a cute, bubbly 4th grade teacher who brings a note from one of her students to impress Farmer Chris. She too seems too normal to be there and should go home and marry a nice high school gym teacher.
Brittany is a WWE wrestler who is wearing a very small tablecloth (more like a doily) and is holding a sign that says #soulemate. I would like to see Brittany and Jillian arm wrestle.
Carly is a cruise ship singer who arrives singing into a pink plastic juvenile karaoke machine. As if that wasn’t bad enough, she was wearing a pink Gunne Sax dress from 1983. I have the song “My name is Carly…I’d like to meet cha” still stuck in my head. I will throw myself overboard if I ever see her and her karaoke machine on a cruise ship.
Bo is a 25 year old plus size model who is blah at any size.
Kimberly is a yoga instructor from Long Island and is wearing a tight, short white dress.
Kara is a high school soccer coach from Kentucky who immediately talks about making babies, and not the inseminating kind. She is wearing a very blue, very sparkly, very ugly dress.
Jade is a cosmetics developer from Los Angeles and is the last girl out of the limo.
All 30 women have finally arrived and Chris toasts again, this time to “you guys.” He truly believes that his wife is in the room. Let the games begin and may the odds be ever in your favor Farmer Chris!
The festivities begin with Kaitlyn the unwaxed dirty joke teller, putting on a pair of Lululemon leggings under her dress and teaching Chris to break dance. For some strange reason Farmer Chris is interested in Kaitlyn. He says she has a lot of the qualities he is looking for in a wife. Personally, I would have thought dropping the “f bomb”, talking about her unplowed field, and the walrus having sex with a tight seal joke would make her NON-WIFE material. Go figure.
The night continues. Bo the plus size model gets hungry and eats one of the smaller girls, Michelle admits that she has two kids, Carly tells Farmer Chris that it’s illegal to own an ice cream truck in Iowa, and the women spend the night stealing Farmer Chris away from each other. Just when we start questioning whether there is a sane woman in the room, 21 year old Mackenzie asks Farmer Chris what alfalfa is, and whether it is organic. Jade talks about crying because she couldn’t find a parking space after moving to the big city. I can’t.
Britt and Amber are sitting on the couch trying to figure out who is the “crazy one.” As if on cue, Ashely S. is talking to herself about onions and layers, which we already know about from Shrek. After spending the past few hours listening to the voices in her head telling her to make her move already, Ashely S. demands some one on one time with Chris. She interrupts Kimberly and Farmer Chris and tries to shoo away Kimberly by offering her a lame yellow rose (where did that come from?). Farmer Chris eventually talks to Ashley S., or rather listens to Ashley S. babble about her bucket list and who the hell knows what else, until Megan finally comes in to save poor Chris.
After Ashley S. has bored Chris to death about her bucket list, Ashley S. starts talking to herself about onions again. She insists to the producers that there is a “freaking onion” growing on a tree and she has to pick it despite the producers insistence that it is not an onion, but rather a pomegranate. Sure enough, it IS a pomegranate and Ashley S.’s crazy really comes out as she holds the pomegranate and says “WOW! I feel powerful.” I’m not sure if Ashely S. is drunk or if she is A COMPLETE LUNATIC!
Speaking of drunk, Tara introduces us to her three best friends: Jameson, Johnny Walker and Jack Daniels. And what great friends they are! In fact, she has been pounding Jameson on the rocks all night and can barely stand up straight. She slurs that she wants the first impression rose because “I really care for the kid.” Then she hiccups, curses and burps. Very classy Tara.
After what seems like hours (which it probably was) the first impression rose goes to BRITT, who not only gets the rose, but also gets a big, noisy, slurpy make out session with Farmer Chris. Britt is so happy! You know what this means for Britt, right? Bye Bye Britt! It was nice knowing you. Everyone knows that the first impression rose is the kiss of death!
It’s finally time for the rose ceremony but at this point, Tara and her three friends have spent way too much time together. In fact, Tara is so hammered that she sways, pants, stamps her leopard shoes and does everything she can to avoid puking on the head of the girl in front of her. Poor Tara just needs to lie down for God’s sake- can’t someone just bring her a cot! But, the show must go on and the roses go to:
At this point Farmer Chris steps away to consult with Chris Harrison about what to do about the Tara situation. In his infinite wisdom, Chris Harrison tells him “well, you can keep her or you can send her home.” Boy he was helpful. Farmer Chris goes back out to the podium and gives the remaining roses to:
Tara (who manages to stumble down off the risers and make it to Chris to accept the rose)
Jordan (who is also pretty hammered)
Ashley S. and all the voices in her head.
Amanda cries and complains that the drunk girls got roses. Kara cries and describes herself as a little servant who was willing to do anything. Farmer Chris is pumped and toasts to the roses!
Just when we are thankful that the long 3 hour ordeal of the first episode is over, Kimberly, who did not receive a rose, decides that she just can’t hold her head up and leave with some dignity. Instead, she marches back in, pulls Farmer Chris away from his group of 22 remaining ladies, and wants to talk to him. What does she say?? THAT will have to wait until next week!
Until then rose lovers, see you next time.