The Bachelor: Season 19 Finale/After The Final Rose

Screen Shot 2015-03-12 at 9.31.38 PMBy Denise Weiss
POPULATION OF ARLINGTON 424 + 1 + 1 COW
It’s been a long, boring season rose lovers. Over the past 10 weeks we have endured crying, drama, panic attacks and onions. There were two widows, two virgins, a stripper and a woman with tarantulas for eyelashes. And then, there was our Bachelor, Farmer Chris. A man who managed to kiss all the girls despite his large arm pit sweat stains and no upper lip. All I can say is that the real winner of tonight’s final rose will be the girl who doesn’t have to live in Arlington, Iowa.
The episode starts with Farmer Chris walking across his snow covered field in skinny jeans and loafers while he ponders whether to marry Whitney or Becca. He says he is falling in love with both, which everyone knows is the best way to start a marriage. Whitney is genuine and smart and tells him she loves him. Becca on the other hand doesn’t tell him that she loves him, but eh, he could still go either way. What to do, what to do? Looks like now is the time to do some Soules searching with the family.
Farmer Chris pulls up in his Chevy Silverado and his family runs out to greet him. His mother has never heard of lipstick or hair dye and is in desperate need of a makeover. His sisters could also use a little sprucing up.
Whitney
Whitney arrives in Arlington and the limo drops her 50 feet away from Farmer Chris so we can watch her run through the snow covered fields in heels. Speaking of heels, what in the hell is Whitney wearing? She admits that being in Arlington makes her feel like the happiest girl in the world but “gosh darn it” she is nervous. Good thing you wore your best flannel.
Whitney barges into the house as if she owns the place and greets Farmer Chris’ family like she has known them all her life. Within minutes of her arrival, she tells the family her entire life story. She talks incessantly the entire visit and somehow her voice never gets hoarse. She repeats these five points:
  1. she loves Farmer Chris;
  2. she wants to marry Farmer Chris;
  3. she wants to have lots of babies with Farmer Chris;
  4. she wants to move to Arlington;
  5. she wants to be a farmer’s wife.
Not one person in the Soules family thinks this is strange, desperate or pathetic.
As they sit down to dinner, Whitney is so amped up with happiness that she launches into a non-stop rambling toast in her helium sucking voice. She starts out by saying that she doesn’t have parents and can’t wait to call Farmer Chris’ parents “Mom and Dad.” She then reminds everyone that she wants to marry Farmer Chris and have babies. She cries. Papa Soules cries. I cry and wonder why no one else finds Whitney’s level of desperation alarming.
After dinner, Whitney wins over the sisters by telling them that she wants to marry Farmer Chris and move to Arlington to have babies. To hell with my career, she says, “I can be a nurse anywhere.”  Um, anywhere except ARLINGTON where you can’t even get a cup of coffee or a box of tampons (which she apparently won’t need because she plans on being knocked up for the rest of her life).
Farmer Chris sits with his sisters and they are genuinely impressed with Whitney’s desire to throw her entire life away and move to Arlington (a place where they no longer live BTW). These are the same sisters who used their best judgement and picked a stripper for a Cinderella date.
Ah, if only things were so clear for Farmer Chris. He assures his sisters that he has no “reservations” about Whitney, but admits that he has “the kind of chemistry that’s hard to find” with Becca. We all know that is code for “the kind of chemistry I don’t have with Whitney.”  He tells them that Becca is “athletic and grounded and cool” and hey wait a minute, when did this conversation turn into “the many attributes of Becca?”  Isn’t he supposed to be talking about how wonderful Whitney is and how much he loves her? One sister reminds him that he is looking for a wife, not a girlfriend, and that Whitney loves him so he should pick her. They point out that his inability to articulate his feelings for Becca is a red flag. If that’s the case, then this whole season has been on huge, red flag because Farmer Chris can’t articulate his way out of a wet paper bag.
Momma Soules is up next and she practically sits in Whitney’s lap and asks “Why do you think you are in love with my son.”  Once again, Whitney professes her deep love for Farmer Chris, tells Momma that she has raised a wonderful man and that she can’t wait to call her Mom. What a suck up. Momma is so freaking excited and says they would be “dog gone lucky” to have Whitney in their family. Whitney is confident that she will be the next Mrs. Soules. Whitney girl, you better take a good look at Momma Soules because that’s pretty much what you are going to look like in 30 years.
Farmer Chris kisses Whitney goodbye and sends her off so he can spend some time with the men folk out in the tool shed. They talk about Becca. Brother-in-law Jason astutely points out that Becca is the hot girl at the bar that no one can talk to and that Farmer Chris wants because she is hard to get. Thanks for the insight Jason.
Becca
Before the Soules family can put the stamps on the wedding invitations, they have to meet the woman Farmer Chris really loves. Becca arrives with windblown hair, a denim shirt, a black bra and a tray of cookies. The family looks at her suspiciously but eventually warm up to her, and even laugh as Becca talks about “downtown Arlington” (is there such thing)?
When laugh time is over Becca meets with the sisters. She is honest with them about her lack of feelings for their brother and tells them that Whitney really loves him. She tells them that she will not pick up and move until she is 100% sure that she is in love. In other words, she describes a healthy, normal relationship. The sisters call her “another California girl” and are not impressed, so they continue painting Whitney’s name on the mailbox.
Momma Soules takes Becca to the “serious talk alcove” and doesn’t waste any time asking her if she will move to Arlington. Again, Becca answers honestly and says that although she has feelings for Farmer Chris, she is not exactly sure what her feelings mean. Momma Soules creepily runs her hand through Becca’s hair and assures her that what she feels towards her son is in fact love. Becca is so freaked out by Momma’s large man hands on her face that she says something along the lines of “You know, Whitney really, really wants to get married and move to Arlington.” Momma wants Becca to commit to marrying her son, but Becca stands her ground and says  “What if I’m willing to commit to relationship?”  Momma is not happy with that response and tells Becca that she has to take a chance. Becca cries not because she is in love, but because Momma Soules is very pushy.
Becca leaves and Papa Soules sums up the whole thing in one sentence – “Whitney is a sure thing but Becca is the one he wants.” How does that make you feel Whitney?
Last Dates
Farmer Chris heads to Becca’s hotel room to ask some hard hitting questions and give her one last chance at committing to a horrible, boring, lonely life with him in Arlington. He questions her feelings for him and she replies “I don’t know.”  He asks her how she feels about moving to Arlington. She says “I don’t think so.” He asks when she will be ready to move to Arlington. She says “I don’t know.” He asks when do you want to get married and have kids. Her response? You guessed it – “I don’t know.”
Farmer Chris gets frustrated but doesn’t give up. “Why don’t you feel like you are in love with me” he asks. “Because I don’t even know you” would have been the appropriate response, but instead she tells him there are unknown steps that she has to take. Seriously Farmer Chris, get yourself a copy of “She’s Just Not That Into You” and read it on the plane.
After 30 minutes of Farmer Chris not finishing a sentence and Becca not answering one, she finally commits to “I want to date you but not marry you right now.”  He hugs her and cries. He doesn’t finish his sentence. He sighs and sniffles and cries and rubs his eyes. Sigh.
“Oh well” Farmer Chris thinks to himself, “there’s always what’s her name.”
Whitney
The next day Farmer Chris stands in the field and waves like a goober as Whitney arrives for their date. She greets him with the obligatory jump leg wrap straddle.
Farmer Chris shows her around his farm and she is excited when she finds out they are going to spend the day harvesting corn. Papa Soules comes out of the combine to greet Whitney. She does not perform the jump leg wrap straddle on him.
Whitney asks a lot of questions about harvesting corn to which the answers are: the machine picks the corn and puts it in the back of the truck. She spends the day counting her acres, thinking about her future children, and mentally redecorating the house. She talks non-stop about how much she loves him and wants to get married and have babies. She does not know how to stop talking. How long before Farmer Chris runs Whitney over with the combine just to get her to shut up?
Later that night he visits her hotel room and she talks and talks and talks for a change. She again tells him how much she loves him, just in case he forgot. He says the words all women long to hear, “I reciprocate your feelings.”  She pulls him in for a kiss and he kisses her with his eyes open. That is not a good sign.
Farmer Chris meets with Neil Lane and picks out rings despite not knowing who he wants to marry. He arrives at the barn where he raised his first pig and can’t wait to propose to his future wife there because nothing says love like raising livestock. But even as the limos arrive, he is unsure because he can see a future with both of them, and knows he will be “devastated” either way.
The first limo arrives and who is it, who is it, who is it???  The door opens and out comes BECCA in a beautiful deep red velvet dress. She climbs to the loft where Farmer Chris is waiting. He holds her hands and tells her that he never had doubts about them having a life together and he could see her as his wife. Farmer Chris then lets out a big sigh and adds “but you’re not really ready.” He goes on to tell her “I have to go with my heart and my gut. I’m so thankful (tears start flowing) and you will make someone happy one day, but I’m not the guy who can give you what you need.” Is it me or did Becca look extremely relieved? She gives him a hug, says, “See ya” and gets in the limo and the hell out of Dodge.
Now for the moment we have all been waiting for. Whitney arrives in a long, navy gown and manages to navigate the steps up the loft without stepping in manure. When she arrives at the top, her mouth takes over and she talks, talks, talks. Even though she is about to hyperventilate (someone pass a paper bag please) she manages to squeak out one more speech about how much she loves him and how she can’t wait to move to Arlington and have babies. Farmer Chris tells her that he loves her too, gets on one knee, pulls out ring and asks Whitney to marry him. Of course she says YES and they celebrate by sitting in the loft window and lovingly looking at corn. Holy Cow!
Some notable moments from After the Final Rose:
  1. When asked by Chris Harrison if he regretted not choosing Becca, Farmer Chris said he is “excited” about his choice and is not looking back. I think he and Whitney should put that on their engagement announcements.
  2. Becca does not seem too broken up AT ALL about being sent home. I am fairly confident that we will never see Becca again.
  3. When asked what he loves about Whitney, Farmer Chris responded “She reminds me of my sisters.”
  4. Whitney admits that she has not watched footage from the show other than her dates with Farmer Chris. This explains why she is still engaged to a man who clearly loved another woman.
  5. Momma and Papa Soules joined Farmer Chris and Whitney shortly after the proposal and start talking about grandchildren. Whitney was ready to jump in the nearest hay bale and get things started.
  6. Ashley Onion agreed to be on Bachelor in Paradise. At least I think she did.
  7. Jimmy Kimmel pretty much tells Whitney that she was second choice, but he brought them a cow named Juan Pablo as an engagement gift.
  8. Chris Harrison announces that Bachelor Nation had a hard time choosing between Britt and Kaitlyn (the audience’s reaction was clearly pro Kaitlyn) and for the first time in Bachelorette history there will be 2 Bachelorettes. The MEN will choose which woman will remain after the first night. Great idea to let men choose a show that is watched primarily by women.
  9. Britt hams it up a bit, but Kaitlyn is less than happy about sharing the Bachelorette spotlight with Britt. Neither am I.
Well rose lovers, our journey has come to an end. I would like to say that if Britt is chosen as the next Bachelorette, I will not watch this show anymore. I would like to say that, but I would be lying. Of course I am going to watch regardless of who is chosen, because no one can turn away from this train wreck.
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The Bachelor: Season 19 Episode 6

There's a Farmer Chris in the bucket, dear Liza. photo: abc via tv.yahoo.com

There’s a Farmer Chris in the bucket, dear Liza.
photo: abc via tv.yahoo.com

By Denise Weiss

THEY USE BIG WORDS IN SOUTH DAKOTA

In case you forgot last week’s most dramatic non-rose ceremony ever, here is a recap before my recap:
There are 11 girls left. The girls are mad. The girls are sad. The girls cry. Kelsey exploits her dead husband. Farmer Chris is an emotional wreck and cancels the cocktail party. Kelsey has a panic attack. Farmer Chris has underarm sweat stains and no personality. There, you are all caught up.
We pick up where we left off with the girls and their sombreros drinking margaritas on the beaches of New Mexico. Kelsey is still crying on the cold tile floor. The other girls sit on a couch in the lobby. They hear Kelsey’s gasping, heart wrenching cries, but stay seated on the couch because they don’t give a flying fuck. Jade actually steps over Kelsey on her way back from the bathroom.
The purple gloved EMT holds a useless oxygen mask to Kelsey’s face, but what Kelsey really needs are some brownies and time with Farmer Chris. Miracles do happen and suddenly Kelsey is sitting up, laughing, and inviting the EMT out for drinks and brownies. Farmer Chris arrives and sits on the cold tile floor with Kelsey, who blames him for her panic attack. He apologizes because he is a wuss. She gives him the “poor me, doe-eyed” gaze and they share a romantic moment on the floor outside the bathroom in front of the water fountain. The girls react with venomous stares and tears. Ashley Eyelashes has completely disappeared, and Crylashes is all that remains.
Kelsey returns to the couch wrapped in a fur blanket and laughs about her experience. She even complains that she got all dressed up for nothing, pointing out that she brought her breasts with her for the occasion (I believe she called them “puppies” UGH). Carly calls bullshit on Kelsey’s panic attack, but Kelsey is happy and believes she is the woman Farmer Chris is going to marry. Nothing sets the tone for a solid marriage like game play, manipulation and a good panic attack.
ROSE CEREMONY
Carly, Britt and Whitney already have roses, and the remaining roses go to:
Jade
Kaitlyn
Megan
Becca
Crylashes and
Kelsey
Poor Teen Mom Mackenzie says she will never get over it, and Farmer Chris proves he already has, when he doesn’t even give her a glance as she heads out the door. At least she can go home and tell her son Kale all about alfalfa. The other women are upset that Kelsey’s dead husband story worked and that she got a rose. They are particularly upset because Samantha also has a sob story but didn’t get to tell it. Forget the sob story ladies, Samantha didn’t even get to say “Hello”. Kaitlyn wants to punch Kelsey in the teeth holder. Carly calls Kelsey “the black widow.” Kelsey reminds me of Casey Anthony and that is NOT a good thing.
Everyone heads back to their rooms where they pack for the next leg of their journey. We watch Farmer Chris get dressed and are relieved when he puts his shirt on and covers his big gut. We are heading back to the United States to the beautiful, romantic, highly sought after destination of Deadwood, South Dakota, which everyone knows is the perfect place to fall in love or get shot in the back. Farmer Chris describes Deadwood as “bad ass” and to prove it he takes naked pictures is a metal tub because he is a tough guy in the Wild West.
The girls arrive and are told there will be a one-on-one date, a group date, and drumroll please, the dreaded two-on-one date. The girls woo hoo and shout “Hello Deadwood” from their balcony. Deadwood does not answer, and the albino cat who lives across the street looks really annoyed.
Britt stands on the hotel balcony in a bra and sweatpants and talks to Kelsey about the upcoming one-on-one date. Kelsey is determined to get this date because she worked hard and earned it, starting with the murder of her husband two years ago.
The date card arrives and asks Becca “Let’s Give Love a Shot.” Kelsey pouts so much that she pulls a muscle in her face. She immediately starts planning her fake aneurysm.
BECCA ONE ON ONE DATE
Farmer Chris walks through the fields of South Dakota and thinks about his upcoming date with  Becca, who is the only girl he hasn’t kissed. The date is horseback riding. That’s it. I got nothing else.
Back at the hotel, Carly, Whitney and Kaitlyn are holding a meeting of the “We Hate Kelsey Club” of which Carly is the President. They trash talk until Kelsey walks in and sits down right in between Carly and Vice President Kaitlyn. Whitney the Treasurer calls Kelsey out about her awkward laughing during the rose ceremony. In a shocking turn of events, Kelsey plays the victim and starts to cry. She blames her rose ceremony laughter on being nervous and confused, and, of course, having a dead husband. Carly tells Kelsey that she is not a nice girl and that no one appreciates her sly comments. Kelsey is shocked because she has so much respect and admiration for the girls, and never intended to insult anyone. She then clarifies to the camera that the girls misunderstand her because she is smart and has eloquence and uses big words. Here are some big words for you Kelsey: psychopath, sociopath, narcissistic, homicidal maniac – do any of those sound familiar? Kelsey then reminds us that her husband is dead, and says “I am not going to lose a husband and be ganged up on by these girls.” Dang! You tell em Kelsey! So basically Kelsey apologizes for being better than everyone else, and screw them. Hopefully the Superintendent of her school district is watching. Kelsey is yet another reason why it is beneficial to homeschool your children.
Back on Becca’s date (yawn), it is nighttime and they sit by a fire and cook shish-ka-bobs. Becca makes Farmer Chris giggle his girly dolphin laugh, which makes her laugh at him, not with him. He asks her where she sees herself in 5 years, and she says she wants kids. He says he wants 4-6 kids. They should get married and become The Duggars. She feels chemistry and he gives her butterflies. Becca hasn’t kissed Farmer Chris yet because she is a virgin and doesn’t want her dad to see her kiss anyone. He offers her the rose, she accepts and they kiss. Sorry you had to see that Becca’s dad. So much for being the last holdout of the Tongue Bandit, but at least the boring date is over. They are perfect for each other.
Back at the hotel, the next date card arrives and invites Whitney, Jade, Britt, Kaitlyn, Carly and Megan on a group date called “Let’s Make Sweet Music.” We now know that Kelsey and Crylashes will go on the dreaded two-on-one. Crylashes says she is going to kick some Kelsey ass. Kelsey laughs her evil laugh. Let the games begin!
GROUP DATE
Farmer Chris gathers his girlfriends and they arrive at the Old Style Saloon where they will be writing and singing country songs. Megan is happy because she is from Nashville, and knows country music even though she is not quite sure where she is at that moment. Carly the cruise ship singer is also in her element, but still hasn’t asked anyone for help with her eyebrows. Jade on the other hand, is not so much in her element. Don’t fret Jade, because Big & Rich are here to help! I guess they are a big deal, but being from New York and hating country music, I have no idea who they are. To me they are just 2 strange guys in hats who sing a song about riding a cowboy. They must be a big deal, however, because Whitney practically wets herself when she sees them.
Upon noticing that Jade is struggling (i.e., sitting alone) Big or Rich (don’t know, don’t care) slithers up to her table, grabs her hand and drags her out of the bar and into the street. They run up Main Street USA while Big or Rich yells something unintelligible in an attempt to get Jade’s creative juices flowing. Jade does an impressive job keeping up with him in heels.
Jade comes back with a new-found confidence and sits down to write her song, only to look up and see Farmer Chris and Britt making out at the bar. Jade says it’s hard to write a love song when your man is so into someone else. Come on girl, even I know that this is the stuff country songs are made of! Jade, that is your #1 song right there – just ask Taylor Swift.
Eventually, the songs are written and Chris offers to be the first to share his little ditty. He is an awful singer but impresses us with his attempts to rhyme “prairie” with “marry” and “searching for my wife my whole damn life.” Britt goes next and sings about sweet music. Farmer Chris loves it and can hardly keep from “bawling” (his word, not mine). Whitney’s singing voice is worse than her speaking voice as if that were possible, and Kaitlyn curses and sings about whiskey, which makes her my favorite. Megan isn’t worth mentioning because I can’t even remember anything about her other than her silver headband which is cutting off the oxygen to her brain.
Carly uses her turn to drag Farmer Chris up on stage and sing directly into his face while she keeps the beat by tapping on her knee. Jade goes last and is God awful. When all is said and done, they celebrate by square dancing around the bar.
Later that night, the ladies gather in the same bar, in the same clothes, for the night time portion of their date. Farmer Chris lies and says it was one of the best days of his life. He takes Jade off for a little one on one time and she tells him she has feelings for him and can see herself living with him in Iowa. Farmer Chris seems ambivalent about Jade’s declaration (look Kelsey, I used two big words in one sentence) but is happy because Iowa is the perfect place for a cosmetics developer. Kaitlyn spends some time with Farmer Chris at the bar and talks about chemistry and soulmates, which reassures her. The girls discuss the noticeable absence of the group date rose.
While the ladies are pondering the missing group date rose, Farmer Chris and Britt are off in a corner making goo-goo eyes at each other. Suddenly, Farmer Chris pulls Britt out of the bar and drags up the street to sneak off for a little tryst. Don’t worry about this Farmer Chris, it certainly won’t make the other women who are sitting at the Old Style Saloon feel like idiots or anything. I mean, have you ever met a woman before? They generally don’t like it when you sneak off with another woman.
They run and giggle and quickly arrive at the Big & Rich concert up the street. I still don’t know who they are, but Britt does. She says “I know these guys, from earlier today.” Yes Britt, those are the same 2 guys you met a few hours ago. They spend the entire concert making out in the crowd. When the concert ends, they go up on stage, hug Big & Rich, and Britt is thrilled to share her virgin country music experience with Farmer Chris. Why is there so much virgin talk this season? Farmer Chris offers Britt the rose on stage. She screams yes, the crowd cheers, they kiss and they dance. Well, at least Britt dances; Farmer Chris just sort of grinds his hips and looks like a big doofus.
The girls are sitting at the bar when Farmer Chris and a rose toting Britt walk back in holding hands.  Farmer Chris gives a speech about how hard this process is getting, and how he gave Britt the rose in private. Then he does what any respectable guy in his position would do; he hightails it out of there speedy quick and leaves Britt to fend for herself. That Farmer Chris really is a stand up guy.
The girls are stunned! Carly cries. Britt apologizes. Whitney gives Britt the stink eye. Kaitlyn also cries and says she is humiliated. Britt wishes there wasn’t tension between the women, and tells the girls they have to blame Farmer Chris too. Carly feels invisible again. Kaitlyn runs to the ladies room and cries loudly enough for everyone to hear. I think the reason the show hasn’t travelled to places other than New Mexico and South Dakota is that ABC is spending their entire budget on therapy for these women. Let me give you some advice ladies, any man who makes you sit for an hour while he sneaks off on a date with another woman is not worth waiting for. Find some dignity and go home.
KELSEY AND CRYLASHES TWO ON ONE
Back at the hotel the two-on-one date card arrives, and reads “Two girls, one rose. One stays one goes. Lets have good times in the Badlands.” Kelsey is so excited that they are heading to the Badlands because that is where she buried her dead husband. Crylashes doesn’t know where or what the Badlands are, but her eyelashes are thick and long and are ready for anything.
Before Crylashes and Kelsey leave for their date, they pack their suitcases and leave them by the door because the loser of this installment of the Hunger Games gets sent home immediately.
Crylashes refers to herself as Glinda the Good Witch and is ready to take out The Widowed Witch of the West. The threesome hop in a helicopter and fly over Mt. Rushmore. Kelsey proves she failed 3rd grade by incorrectly naming the presidents, while Crylashes sulks and rolls her eyes. The helicopter lands next to a lonely looking canopy bed set up on some carpet remnants. They toast and quickly run out of things to say, so they sit in awkward silence and drink chardonnay.
Crylashes and Farmer Chris head off for some alone time which gives Kelsey an opportunity to visit the body of her dead husband. Crylashes sucks Farmer Chris’s face off again while they sit on a towel on the side of a mountain. Their time together has all the romance of a fart. Farmer Chris asks Crylashes how she is holding up with the other girls (as if he cares) and she tells him there is drama, that she doesn’t gel with Kelsey and that all the other girls think Kelsey is fake. Crylashes thinks that she is doing Farmer Chris a favor, but c’mon, everyone knows that you NEVER talk shit about the other girls directly to The Bachelor. Crylashes, have you not seen this show before? Not realizing her fatal error, Crylashes is confident that she will get the rose because she is a sexy virgin.
Next it’s Crylashes turn to sit in the lonely bed while Farmer Chris asks Kelsey how things are going for her. Kelsey answers but Chris doesn’t really care what she has to say as evidenced by his big sigh. He says it’s important that the person he marries can handle social situations well. Because there are so many black tie affairs in Arlington, Iowa. Kelsey says she is ready to be his wife because she has already been one: just ask my dead husband, he is right over there. Farmer Chris shows his inner 12 year old girl side and tells Kelsey “Crylashes just talked shit about you and said that you are fake.” Really Farmer Chris? What is wrong with you? Kelsey is shocked because she thought she and Crylashes were tight. Really Kelsey? What is wrong with you? Farmer Chris then says Crylashes also told him “all the other girls feel the same way too.” Another big sigh. I’m starting to not blame living in Iowa anymore for the fact that Farmer Chris is still single.
Kelsey comes down the mountain alone which makes us fear for Farmer Chris’s safety. Did Kelsey kill him and dispose of his body or did he make a run for it? Kelsey is mad and calls Crylashes a Kardashian with too much makeup, which is an oxymoron, unless you are talking about Bruce. He doesn’t have a heavy hand just yet.
Kelsey returns to the lonely bed, sits next to Crylashes and stares hate daggers into her skull.
Crylashes doesn’t make eye contact and continues to drink her wine while looking for an escape route. Kelsey continues to stare her down and eventually says in a voice from The Exorcist “I know what you did and don’t appreciate it.”  Crylashes repsonds by telling Kelsey “I am not from Pleasantville, I am from freaking 2014 and even though I don’t use big words, I am just as smart as you and also have a Masters Degree from a good place.” Bam! Take that Kelsey.
Crylashes finds Farmer Big Mouth, drags him over some hills and rips him a new asshole while simultaneously throwing a temper tantrum. She asks him “Why did you tell her what I said to you” and cries and cries and cries. Farmer Big Mouth defends himself by saying that he had to hear Kelsey’s side of the story. Crylashes violently wipes her nose, chokes on her tears, snorts and gags, and picks chunks of fallen mascara off her face.
Farmer Chris tries to send Crylashes home by telling her that he feels like at this point they are in different places. She continues to sniffle and snort. He then blames himself and says he can’t give her the lifestyle that she really wants. She cries harder but manages to pull herself together long enough to throw Britt under the bus by telling him “Do you think that Britt wants that lifestyle?” Crylashes storms off, gets mad when he doesn’t follow her, and whines “Chris, are you kidding me.” She marches back to him, hugs him and cries some more before finally walking back to the sad bed and a smirking Kelsey.
In the hotel, the door opens and the Suitcase Fairy takes Crylashes’ bag and throws it down the garbage chute. The girls are stunned and horrified because that means that Kelsey will be back. Back at the Badlands, Crylashes sits alone and laugh-cries and babbles to herself about second chances. She cries like someone just ran over her cat. She asks the camera man “Can we not do this now?” It’s now or never Crylashes, because in less than an hour you will be on a plane back to New Jersey.
Farmer Chris, who by the way is completely to blame for ruining this fabulous canopy bed in the desert date, plunks himself down on the bed with Kelsey, sighs and tells her he just sent Crylashes home. As if he didn’t already know that she knew that from the evil smirk on her face. Kelsey says she is sorry and hugs him. “It’s a loss” she says, and tries to put on her best “it’s a loss” face. Farmer Chris then launches into the longest, most inane send off sentence in the history of The Bachelor – “I have thought a lot about our conversation and…(sigh) I…(sigh) I…just don’t know if (mumble) and… (breathe) I feel like right now…in this situation and circumstances at hand…I just feel like…the best thing I can do is be honest with you… and… I hate this situation and I hate putting anyone through this any longer than they actually have to be because it’s horrible and I feel like you deserve someone who is 110% in and right now… I can’t be that for you.” She responds “it’s OK.” He wishes her the best, tells her to “take care” and leaves in the helicopter, stranding both Crylashes and Kelsey in the Badlands. If the children of this country are lucky, Kelsey will be eaten by coyote.
Back at the hotel, the door opens and the Suitcase Fairy retrieves Kelsey’s bag and down the garbage chute it goes. The girls go crazy and do a happy dance! In a voiceover, Kelsey talks about her amazing story while Carly pours champagne. Kelsey has no regrets because she came there to challenge herself with the adventure of love, and once again, she will rise above. Right now the only thing rising above you is Farmer Chris and the helicopter. I hope Crylashes or Kelsey can summon an Uber cab before nightfall.
Next week there will be a 2 day Bachelor event – Sunday and Monday nights. Unfortunately for me, I will not be around to recap either of those shows. I am particularly sad because the promos promise we will see Britt like we’ve never seen her before: In the shower.
See you in 2 weeks!

The Bachelor Season 19: Episode 5

Photo: ABC via Inquisitor.com

Britt and Chris fly high! Photo: ABC via Inquisitor.com

By Denise Weiss

THE FARMER IS IN HELL. THE FARMER IS IN HELL. THESE GIRLS ARE CRAZY-O THE FARMER IS IN HELL

This week’s Bachelor journey starts with Farmer Chris and a camera crew wandering around Santa Fe, New Mexico, which is the perfect place to fall in love (said no one ever). Back at the mansion, Chris Harrison tells the girls to pack their bags because they are heading to Santa Fe, New Mexico! Megan is overly excited at the thought of going to New Mexico because she has never been out of the country before. Megan can’t wait to hit the beaches of New Mexico with its blue water, white sand, and margaritas…Grab your sombrero and your passports ladies, because we are off to Santa Fe! But before we leave the United States, Ashley Eyelashes reminds us that she is a virgin.

After a difficult time getting through customs, the girls finally arrive at The Buffalo Thunder Casino and Resort. Farmer Chris reflects on his journey thus far while the girls check into their rooms. He is past the “getting to know you stage” and is ready to move onto the “let’s see if we have chemistry” stage of the journey. The date card arrives and the first one on one date goes to Carly. It reads “Let’s come together.” I can’t even go there.

Carly’s One on One Date

Farmer Chris waits for Carly to arrive for their date and questions if they have “romantic chemistry.” Carly finally arrives in a hearse, and as she jumps into his outstretched arms, all I notice are her badly shaped eyebrows that stop in the middle of her eye. Megan the makeup artist could have fixed Carly’s eyebrows, but she must have left her supplies back in the States. Farmer Chris and Carly enter a hacienda and yell “hello, we’re here” numerous times, but get no response. Eventually, they make their way to the backyard where they discover a strange woman who is busy meditating and has no time for them. Namaste.

When she is damn good and ready, Tziporah Kingsbury says hello and introduces herself as a “love and intimacy mentor” also known as a “Love Guru.” She tells Farmer Chris and Carly that she is going to help them bring out the “juiciness” in their relationship. This is wrong on so many levels: First, Farmer Chris and Carly are NOT a couple and this is their first date, if you can even call it that; second, no one needs to see any “juiciness” unless Christian Gray is involved; and third, what the hell is a Love Guru anyway? I don’t know how I’ve managed to stay married for 21 years without one.

To our surprise, Farmer Chris admits he has never been to a love guru, which is shocking since they are all the rage in Iowa. The Love Guru gets things started by waving a log of burning sage around Farmer Chris and Carly, while making them say OHHHHHHMMMMMMM as she pulls on his lower jaw.

Farmer Chris is cautiously optimistic about the Love Guru’s tactics, but worried that they might be weird. Gee Farmer Chris, ya think? The next trick up the Love Guru’s sleeve is to have Carly blindfold Farmer Chris and feed him chocolate dipped fruit. That schtick is so last week- just ask Megan as soon as she returns to the States. Megan was actually better at it because she managed to get the fruit and chocolate IN his mouth as opposed to all over his face. This Love Guru needs to get some original material if she is going to make it in this industry.

Next the Love Guru suggests that Carly, who is terrified of physical intimacy, breathe all over Farmer Chris. This date is so awkward that I can’t look directly at the TV, but rather have to sort of glance at it using my peripheral vision. Just when you think things can’t get any worse, the Love Guru tells Farmer Chris it’s his turn to take the lead. It is at this point that we realize that she is more of a Sex Guru than a Love Guru.

As per the Sex Guru’s instructions, Farmer Chris bends Carly over in a downward dog position and rubs her between the thighs. Now I can’t look at all, and have my hands over my face, and periodically peek out from between my fingers. When his grinding from behind fails to elicit the proper amount of chemistry, the crazy Sex Guru suggests that they “go deeper” by undressing in front of each other. You see, according to the nut job Sex Guru, clothes represent masks that must be removed in order to achieve an emotional connection with a partner. Farmer Chris and Carly comply at first, but as soon as it is time for Carly to remove Farmer Chris’s pants, she whispers “I’m really uncomfortable.” Thank you Carly; I was really uncomfortable too. Farmer Chris agrees, so the Sex Guru changes course and instructs them to “talk so you can take off the masks of past relationships.” If I were either Carly or Farmer Chris I would demand to see a degree from somewhere other than the University of Phoenix. It seems to me that no one has informed the Sex Guru that she is working on intimacy and sexuality with a couple who barely know each other.

Once the Sex Guru finally realizes she isn’t going to be able to film her secret porn with these two, she settles for having Carly straddle Farmer Chris’s lap, dry hump him, and breathe into his mouth. Hopefully neither of them had an everything bagel with cream cheese and onion for breakfast. Breathing into Farmer Chris’s mouth makes Carly feel comfortable. The rest of us? Not so much. After 20 minutes of staring and breathing on each other, the Sex Guru allows them to kiss.

Once the Sex Guru is returned to the hookah bar from which she came, Farmer Chris, Carly, and the pimple in the middle of Carly’s forehead share a romantic evening together surrounded by candles and a roaring fire. Carly wants a moment of seriousness, because, like, she hasn’t been intimate with someone, like, for years, because, like, her last boyfriend wouldn’t touch her, like, for two years, and like, it was really weird, like, and it really, like, messed with her head because, like, being physical is a huge part of a relationship, like, and it made her feel, like, not womanly, like. Too bad Carly and the ex-boyfriend didn’t visit the Sex Guru – at least they would have spent some quality time breathing all over each other.

Carly says she is not pretty, and wishes a man would find her attractive so she can feel good about herself. That is so sad and pathetic, and further solidifies that what Carly really needs is a real therapist with a couch and a prescription pad. Farmer Chris admits that he lives in a different world than most of the women on the show, and is concerned that being a farmer from Iowa is not going to be good enough for these women. FARMER CHRIS, THIS IS WHAT IS KNOWN AS AN AHA MOMENT AND YOU SHOULD FOLLOW YOUR INSTINCTS! Farmer Chris says Carly makes him feel special and loved. Farmer Chris and Carly make me feel bored and sleepy.

Farmer Chris believes that he would be a lucky man if he could spend the rest of his life with Carly, and that she would be the best wife he could ask for. Despite the fact that there is no chemistry between them, Carly gets the rose. My biggest concern for their relationship is whether there is someone in Iowa who can fix Carly’s eyebrows.

Group Date

Back at The Buffalo, the ladies are waiting for the group date card to arrive and listening to Kelsey brag about her amazing dead husband. In a very matter of fact way, Kelsey shares the intimate details of her husband’s death, although she can’t recall the name of the thing that killed him. She eventually remembers that he died from something called, um, congestive heart failure. She speaks about his death in the same tone she would use to order a large cheese pie. The other girls listen intently, and Teen Mom Mackenzie wears a funky headband to keep her newly Keratined hair from frizzing.

Kelsey is hopeful that she will get the next one on one date so she call tell Farmer Chris all about her dead husband. We know how well that worked out for Juelia.

The date card arrives and invites Becca, Jade, Megan, Kaitlyn, Whitney, Teen Mom Mackenzie, Samantha (seriously, who the hell are you), Eyelashes and Kelsey on a date called “I’m rapidly falling in love.” Surprise! The girls and Farmer Chris will be white water rafting down the Rio Grande River (like we didn’t see that coming).

Megan doesn’t like the look of the water in this foreign country and is concerned that there are alligators and dead bodies lurking beneath the roaring rapids. That makes sense because everyone knows that Santa Fe is the country famous for its alligators and dead bodies. In fact, just last week I cheered “Go Santa Fe Gators!”

A river guide gives the girls some ground rules, tells them that if they don’t comply with the rules they will die, and then tells them to have fun before he sends them down the rapids to their death.

Farmer Chris and the ladies set off in 2 rafts and have fun splashing each other with the oars. The rapids pick up and the ladies scream. Jade goes overboard. The girls watch and hope that she drowns, but Chris reaches out and pulls her back into the raft. Sadly, the black box that covered her crotch wasn’t as lucky and was pulled under by a ferocious Santa Fe gator.

As if the near death drowning experience wasn’t bad enough for poor Jade, it turns out that she has a circulation condition and Chris has to rub her hypothermic cold feet. Teen Mom Mackenzie is jealous and wishes she had a disorder too. Kelsey also wishes she had hypothermia so she could get a hug. Kelsey and Teen Mom Mackenzie bitch about Jade’s good fortune in having a disease until they discover an open bottle of champagne. A few glasses later Kelsey says “I’m fine” and laughs an evil laugh. Kelsey is starting to make Ashley Onion look sane. Let’s remember that Kelsey is a guidance counselor and is in charge of the well being of our youth.

The girls head back to The Buffalo and later that night gather on a couch in the lobby to wait for Farmer Chris to grace them with his presence. Whitney wants time with Farmer Chris and repeats over and over again that time is all that matters. As Chris walks through the lobby of the hotel, Jordan the drunk girl who was sent home 2 weeks ago magically appears and says “Hey Chris, it’s me Jordan and I drove all the way from Colorado to surprise you.” He has no idea who she is at first, but it slowly comes back to him – the shots of whiskey, the upside down wall twerking, Jillian‘s hairy ass. Jordan tells Farmer Chris that as soon as she got home she realized that she blew it. She acknowledges that she was a drunk, but asks for a second chance. It’s amazing how Jordan got in her car and guessed that Farmer Chris would be at The Buffalo Thunder Casino in Santa Fe, New Mexico. She thanks God, which is only appropriate because it certainly wasn’t the producers who had anything to do with her sudden reappearance.

The other ladies are wondering where Farmer Chris is and are not happy when he finally shows up with Jordan on his arm. They feign happiness upon seeing her, but really Farmer Chris? What are you thinking?

Farmer Chris tells the couch ladies that he is going to leave it up to them whether Jordan stays or goes because “I respect you guyses opinions.” Farmer Chris then takes each of the girls aside for some alone time which he uses to talk about Jordan. Eyelashes, who forgot to wear pants, says that Jordan is not a real lady; a real lady is a virgin who sucks farmer’s faces off in tents. Eyelashes also informs Farmer Chris that Jordan is there for the wrong reasons, which everyone knows you NEVER say to The Bachelor. Jade has fully recovered all sensation in her extremities and tells Farmer Chris that he should send Jordan home.

Farmer Chris finally realizes he is spending more time talking about Jordan than he is looking for a wife. But instead of having some balls and using this new found knowledge to send Jordan packing, he continues to let the couch ladies discuss Jordan’s fate amongst themselves. Whitney starts the debate by saying in a very nice way that although she likes Jordan as a person, she would prefer that she go home. Eyelashes has a better plan and instructs the girls to be mean to Jordan. Whitney says Farmer Chris doesn’t want a mean girl for a wife. Eyelashes and Whitney argue and eventually Eyelashes give up and settles for inscribing Jordan in the Burn Book.

Farmer Chris realizes that his 9 girlfriends are really upset about his 10th girlfriend. He pulls Jordan aside and tells her that he can’t listen to the other girls bitch anymore, and thank you for driving 8 hours but you can go home now. Plus, he’s afraid that Eyelashes and Kelsey will kill him in his sleep if he keeps her around. Jordan thanks him for being honest and wishes him good luck. Then she asks for directions to the nearest bar. Jordan cries and hugs the girls goodbye. The girls basically tell Jordan to fuck off.

Farmer Chris apologizes to the couch ladies who are now crying for some unknown reason. The group date rose goes to Whitney because she is nice and according to Farmer Chris is there for the right reasons. The girls are all really mad at Farmer Chris so he does the best thing he can to make them feel better – he leaves.

Eyelashes is really mad that Whitney got the rose because in her opinion, Whitney is a total zero. She morphs into Crylashes, gets off the couch and goes back to her room to look for her pants.

Meanwhile, alliances are formed and Whitney, Kelsey, Britt and Carly talk about Crylashes, while Crylashes and Teen Mom Mackenzie talk about Whitney. Crylashes calls Whitney fake. Hello pot, this is the kettle calling, you are black.

Britt One on One Date

Back at The Buffalo, Carly and Britt snuggle on the couch in matching pants and talk excitedly about Britt’s upcoming one on one date with Carly’s boyfriend. Carly suggests that Britt wash her hair and shave her legs before she goes on her date. It seems that Britt doesn’t like to shower and has been walking around with flies circling around her head and a trail of green stench trailing behind her. Knock, knock – the date card arrives. Carly reads aloud to Pig Pen Britt that the card says “Sky’s the limit.” This makes Pig Pen Britt cry because although she’s excited to see Farmer Chris, she is absolutely terrified of heights. Pig Pen says that her fear of heights is not just a regular fear, but rather it is an extreme fear – one that is so great that her body shuts down and she freaks out at the mere thought of it.

Farmer Chris is a sneaky farmer and wants to start their sky high date early in the morning. He and a camera crew creep into Pig Pen’s room at 4:32 am, and he wakes her with a kiss, tells her that she is beautiful and gives her 5 minutes to get ready. If a man wakes me up at 4:32 in the morning, it better be because the house is on fire. Roomie Carly is sleeping in the same bed with Pig Pen and wakes up, rolls over and reveals sweaty pit stains on her pajamas. I wake up every night between 2 and 3 am covered in sweat, but I am 47 years old. Carly is way too young for menopause, so why is she sweating profusely at 4:30 in the morning? Upon seeing Farmer Chris in her room, Carly tires to talk to him, but he basically tells her to shut up because she is ruining his moment with Pig Pen. Oh no you didn’t!

Pig Pen may not shower, but fortunately she sleeps in full make-up, so she hops out of bed, puts on a pair of dirty socks, and off they go!

The sun comes up as they arrive for their date, which is a ride in a hot air balloon. It’s amazing how quickly Pig Pen’s “body shutting down fear of heights” dissipates. Apparently all Pig Pen needed to conquer her fear of heights was a personality-challenged farmer from Iowa. Pig Pen jumps in the hot air balloon basket, snuggles into his arms and feels safe despite her immense fear of heights. Pig Pen says it’s a perfect day with a perfect person. When they are safely on the ground, they head back to Farmer Chris’s room. Pig Pen is impressed because “it’s so clean.”

Back at The Buffalo, the girls bitch about Pig Pen Britt, her bathing habits (or lack thereof) and her full makeup sleep habits. Carly cannot get over the fact that her boyfriend shushed her, and Eyelashes tells the girls that Pig Pen isn’t in a rush to get married and have kids. Meanwhile, back on Farmer Chris’s bed, Pig Pen is telling Farmer Chris that she wants 100 kids. Farmer Chris really likes kids and dirt, so Pig Pen gets the rose. They kiss and snuggle under the covers which are no longer clean. Pig Pen is ecstatic that her date started in bed and ended in bed. We watch them slurpily make out until Farmer Chris gets up and shuts the door, for which we are thankful.

A few hours later Pig Pen Britt returns to her side of The Buffalo, tells the girls about her date and flaunts the rose in their faces. She tells them about the ride in the hot air balloon and that she went back to his room for a 2 hour nap. The nap puts Kelsey right over the edge and she declares “I know what I need to do.” Kelsey changes into a sensible cardigan and sneaks off to Farmer Chris’s room, where she tells him, through tears, about her husband and his untimely death. Chris nods like he cares but is thinking WTF is with these women and their dead husbands? Moments after hearing about Mr. Kelsey’s heart failure, they kiss. Kelsey smiles and twirls her villain mustache. Muah ha ha!

After she leaves, Kelsey tells the cameraman that she loves her story. I believe her exact quote was “Isn’t my story amazing?” She is looking for a bunny to boil and Ashley Onion is starting to look more and more sane. If Kelsey is eliminated in the next few weeks, look for her story on Lifetime – it will be called “From Bachelor to behind bars. How I killed my husband so I could be on a reality dating show – The Kelsey Story.”

Rose Ceremony

The girls arrive for the cocktail party and Pig Pen declares “the tension is palpable.” Teen Mom Mackenzie is nervous about her lack of connection with Farmer Chris, but has finally managed to keep her hair under control. Whitney talks about the importance of time again. Samantha finally speaks but she is irrelevant at this point. Everyone is completely stressed out about being sent home except for Kelsey who is as cool as a cucumber. Whitney notices, and is surprised at how confident and relaxed Kelsey seems. Farmer Chris arrives and looks quite pensive. He says Santa Fe has been fun, but has been tough. He spills the beans about his and Kelsey’s conversation, which has left him so distraught that he can’t finish his sentence and needs a moment, because he just got his period. He steps outside and Chris Harrison who appears from no where asks Farmer Chris if he needs a tampon.

Back inside The Buffalo, Kelsey fesses up to the other women that she told Farmer Chris about her dead husband. She says not telling Farmer Chris that she was a widow was weighing her down, and that she was going to tell them about the conversation but didn’t want them to be jealous because she had a dead husband and they didn’t. Carly calls bullshit on that story and explains that Kelsey told Farmer Chris about dead Mr. Kelsey so that he wouldn’t send her home. As if we couldn’t figure it out on our own.

Back outside The Buffalo, Farmer Chris tells Chris Harrison that Kelsey’s talk made him realize that time is of the essence. Inside The Buffalo, Kelsey can’t keep her mouth shut and tells the girls, through tears, that every day is a gift and time is precious. She is confident that Farmer Chris has already made up his mind, and that he will send the right girl home and won’t waste their time. So much reference to time in this episode, yet no one on the show cares that we, the audience, are wasting our precious time watching this crap. Kelsey just can’t stop talking, and arrogantly tells the other girls that saying goodbye to one of them will be hard for her. Kelsey is already measuring her ring finger and the other ladies are seething! Pig Pen gently rubs Kelsey’s shoulder and whispers that her pumps look great. Kelsey immediately perks up and says “I know right.” Someone better call the CSI crime lab or Quincy M.D. to exhume Mr. Kelsey’s body and check to see if there is rat poison or anti-freeze in his system.

Chris Harrison comes back in and tells the girls that Farmer Chris is very emotional but knows what he is going to do. Also, that despite taking some Midol he is still feeling very bloated and doesn’t want a cocktail party, so they will head straight to the rose ceremony. No cocktail party = no time.

Crylashes cries some more and is really upset that Kelsey has a sadder story than she does. She wishes that instead of being a virgin, she was a widow. No, honestly, she really said that. Teen Mom Mackenzie also knows her single mom story can’t compete with the dead husband story, and is very nervous about going home, even though her hair looks good. Kelsey is concerned that her Mr. Kelsey story might have backfired and thinks uh oh, I better fix this ASAP. She outcries Crylashes and heads out to find Farmer Chris and do damage control. Suddenly, we hear a high pitched moan coming from down the hall, and the next thing we see is Kelsey on the floor crying surrounded by paramedics. Kelsey moans to Diane the paramedic that, gasp, I’m ok, gasp, I think, gasp, I’m having, gasp, a panic attack, gasp. Diane calls 911. And the academy award for best actress in a drama series goes to…not Kelsey because she is a lousy actress.

And the roses go to… TO BE CONTINUED!