By: Lesley Rousso
The finale begins in Mexico, while Kim and Alaska are on their honeymoon. It’s also been about a year since they wed. Kim allegedly loves adventure trips so Alaska plans a private swim with the dolphins. Yeah, adventure, not so much. Kim completely freaks out and she panics. I understand panicking, I do. When it comes to climbing a mountain, or riding a very scary roller coaster. Honestly, swimming with dolphins is exhilarating, not scary! They’re essentially the aquatic dog Kim. She’s especially freaked out by the blowhole, which is a little strange but whatever. They have a sexy shower scene together after a couples massage and spend the last night dining on the beach. It was definitely good quality time for them as they spend a lot of time apart. Alaska admits he likes spending time away from each other because it keeps things exciting. It’s hard for them, I think, because they are still really getting to know each other.
Blair and Jeff begin the episode by visiting a Malibu sex therapist. They talk with her about the beginning of their relationship when everything was new and exciting, and they were having sex twice a day. Blair’s complaint is now that it’s only once a week. Umm boys, news flash, everyone experiences that. Problem is, Jeff is clearly not “the master of his domain” (thanks Jerry Seinfeld), having fun alone three times a day Now that’s a little odd, considering they’ve only been married a year and they have no kids. I’d also be paranoid if I were Blair, wouldn’t you? The therapist has them role play and pretend they are each other on an average night at home. They both recognize their faults and make a promise to try to do things to spice it up.
Kathryn and John are deep in labor with their baby boy. After a C-section adorable baby Dean is born. John of course, makes it all about himself. He tells Kathryn that he almost fainted and threw up when he watched the baby being “yanked out, with blood and guts everywhere”. Charming, isn’t he? Flash to a couple of months later and John says he was freaked out by all the attention Dean was getting from Kathryn. He says then, that that’s okay though because if she’s doing everything for the baby, he doesn’t have to. He does tell Kathryn that she’s the reason their tanning salon is a success and manages to change a diaper. They end the year by moving the pool table to the basement.
Tina meets with her Dad who has summoned her to talk, in a hookah lounge in LA. Tina takes a shot of whiskey beforehand and things get a little, shall we say, loud. Dad tells Tina that he’s getting married. Tina of course, as the rest of us do, assume it’s Heather aka “Nurse Lunatic”. Even stranger, he’s marrying Seema, an Indian woman he describes as “not pretty like Heather”. Tina totally loses it and they argue. Her dad explains that he is lonely and his new wife will be her new mother. Meanwhile, Tina and Tarz go back to the doctor for an ultrasound. Honestly, Dr. Sawyer kinda creeps me out, using the words, cancer, tumor and mass unnecessarily. They find out that there’s no reason she cannot carry a child after her miscarriage. Yay! Tina subsequently meets Seema and approves of the relationship. Dad and Seema, also a widow, get married. On a side note, who knew Indian weddings were so theatrical? Lots of dancing and skits going on. Tina admits the first year of marriage sucked. Tarz says he knows he didn’t live up to what he should’ve as a mate. The episode ends one month later at Tina and Tarz’s house in South Carolina. Tina is in the bathroom, showing us her stomach and the little bulge she has that won’t go away. She takes a test and holds it up to the mirror and we see the first line. Slowly, the other line starts fading in. Yesterday courtesy of Us Magazine, we saw a photo of baby Tarz, now two weeks old.
So year one is over, they all had trials and tribulations, but they made it. Welcome to marriage guys, just remember that nothing worthwhile is easy.
Will we see you again? Will there be new “Newlyweds”? I personally would watch the Tina and Tarz show, they are hysterical. I would also watch another crop of the newly married. Hell, at this point I’d watch anything mildly entertaining that doesn’t involve the Amish. That’s another story though…