Newlyweds: Episode 8, season finale

Kim faces her fear of Dolphins. Photo credit: Bravotv.com

Kim faces her fear of Dolphins. Photo credit: Bravotv.com

By: Lesley Rousso

The finale begins in Mexico, while Kim and Alaska are on their honeymoon.  It’s also been about a year since they wed.   Kim allegedly loves adventure trips so Alaska plans a private swim with the dolphins.  Yeah, adventure, not so much.  Kim completely freaks out and she panics.  I understand panicking, I do.  When it comes to climbing a mountain, or riding a very scary roller coaster.  Honestly, swimming with dolphins is exhilarating, not scary!  They’re essentially the aquatic dog Kim.  She’s especially freaked out by the blowhole, which is a little strange but whatever.  They have a sexy shower scene together after a couples massage and spend the last night dining on the beach.  It was definitely good quality time for them as they spend a lot of time apart.  Alaska admits he likes spending time away from each other because it keeps things exciting.  It’s hard for them, I think, because they are still really getting to know each other.

Blair and Jeff begin the episode by visiting a Malibu sex therapist.  They talk with her about the beginning of their relationship when everything was new and exciting, and they were having sex twice a day.  Blair’s complaint is now that it’s only once a week.  Umm boys, news flash, everyone experiences that.  Problem is, Jeff is clearly not “the master of his domain” (thanks Jerry Seinfeld), having fun alone three times a day Now that’s a little odd, considering they’ve only been married a year and they have no kids.  I’d also be paranoid if I were Blair, wouldn’t you?  The therapist has them role play and pretend they are each other on an average night at home.  They both recognize their faults and make a promise to try to do things to spice it up.

Kathryn and John are deep in labor with their baby boy.  After a C-section adorable baby Dean is born.  John of course, makes it all about himself. He tells Kathryn that he almost fainted and threw up when he watched the baby being “yanked out, with blood and guts everywhere”.  Charming, isn’t he?  Flash to a couple of months later and John says he was freaked out by all the attention Dean was getting from Kathryn.  He says then, that that’s okay though because if she’s doing everything for the baby, he doesn’t have to.  He does tell Kathryn that she’s the reason their tanning salon is a success and manages to change a diaper.  They end the year by moving the pool table to the basement.

Tina meets with her Dad who has summoned her to talk, in a hookah lounge in LA.  Tina takes a shot of whiskey beforehand and things get a little, shall we say, loud.  Dad tells Tina that he’s getting married.  Tina of course, as the rest of us do, assume it’s Heather aka “Nurse Lunatic”.  Even stranger, he’s marrying Seema, an Indian woman he describes as “not pretty like Heather”.  Tina totally loses it and they argue.  Her dad explains that he is lonely and his new wife will be her new mother.  Meanwhile, Tina and Tarz go back to the doctor for an ultrasound.  Honestly, Dr. Sawyer kinda creeps me out, using the words, cancer, tumor and mass unnecessarily.  They find out that there’s no reason she cannot carry a child after her miscarriage.  Yay!  Tina subsequently meets Seema and approves of the relationship.  Dad and Seema, also a widow, get married. On a side note, who knew Indian weddings were so theatrical?  Lots of dancing and skits going on.  Tina admits the first year of marriage sucked.  Tarz says he knows he didn’t live up to what he should’ve as a mate.  The episode ends one month later at Tina and Tarz’s house in South Carolina.  Tina is in the bathroom, showing us her stomach and the little bulge she has that won’t go away.  She takes a test and holds it up to the mirror and we see the first line.  Slowly, the other line starts fading in.  Yesterday courtesy of Us Magazine, we saw a photo of baby Tarz, now two weeks old.

So year one is over, they all had trials and tribulations, but they made it.  Welcome to marriage guys, just remember that nothing worthwhile is easy.

Will we see you again?  Will there be new “Newlyweds”?  I personally would watch the Tina and Tarz show, they are hysterical.  I would also watch another crop of the newly married.  Hell, at this point I’d watch anything mildly entertaining that doesn’t involve the Amish.  That’s another story though…

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Newlyweds: Episode 7

TIna and Tarz are less than impressed with Dad's new love interest. Photo credit: Bravotv.com

TIna and Tarz are less than impressed with Dad’s new love interest. Photo credit: Bravotv.com

By Lesley Rousso

In episode seven, the Newlyweds are now almost at the one year mark. This is a crazily entertaining episode involving dildos, jacking off, and making out.  No, no one is naked.

The episode begins with Tarz and Tina and the sound of an ambulance behind them.  Flash to a little later, Tina is sitting in her mother-in-law’s kitchen in Pennsylvania, telling her she had a miscarriage.  Tina is obviously upset and her mother-in-law does her best to reassure her everything will be okay.  It’s nice to watch because Tina doesn’t have her own mom anymore.  Tarz’s mother is very supportive.  Tarz is trying to be positive, and while doing so, doesn’t show a lot of emotion.  Tina’s super annoyed about his reaction and they argue.  Tarz though, doesn’t seem to show emotion about much, a fact Tina knows.  Maybe she can wrangle it out somehow.  I wish her luck, he’s very passive.  Tarz does a complete 180 when they go out to dinner with Tina’s dad and his new girlfriend.  Why the emotion you ask?  Dad walks in with a 40 something, tall blonde named Heather.  Heather is a nurse and mother of four girls.  They met at the gym, they say, and immediately begin making out at the table.  Tina was horrified, explaining that she had never even seen her parents kiss because Indian culture goes against that.  She describes the scene as “extra disgusting” to watch.  Tina then orders salmon because it’s  “fertility food”.  Heather then says she ordered it too because she and Tina’s dad are thinking of having a baby together.  WHAT??!! It’s like an episode of the Twilight Zone, truly.  It’s so funny in fact, that you feel like Tina’s dad is punking them.  Heather tells them they are very immature while slurring, and says they don’t know what it’s like to be parents.  Total drunk weirdo, sorry Heather, but it was all very bizarre.  Tarz and Tina lay in the glitter bed discussing the night’s events.

Alaska and Kim argue over Kim’s withdrawl of $700.00 out of their joint bank account.  Kim freely admits that she spends her money and their money.  Alaska’s dad and family are featured on this episode and Alaska reveals how hard his dad was on him growing up.  His dad has definitely mellowed and Alaska & Kim  have a nice bonding session with him over cooking.  The whole family joins together for dinner and they have a great time.  Alaska is packing to go back to LA and asks Kim to check him in.  He has it all set up already, that when she opens the computer she sees he booked a honeymoon trip to Mexico.  It’s really great trip to the Four Seasons and swimming with dolphins.  Brownie points Alaska!

Blair and Jeff begin the week apart as Blair is visiting friends in New York.  Jeff is really enjoying the absolute quiet.  Blair is thrilled to see Jeff when he gets back and wants to show him just how much.  Once again, Jeff gives him the brush off telling him he’s tired.  Blair responds by telling Jeff he thinks he’s lost his sexual appetite.  Jeff then tells Blair, and I quote, “it’s not about age, I’ve been jacking off 2, sometimes 3, times a day”.  Hmmm??!!  Blair then says that Jeff is “more in love with Pamela and her five sisters than he is with him.” It was a funny scene, continuing with Jeff suggesting they take the truck somewhere and have sex there.  To which Blair says that he’s not getting arrested for sodomy in the back of a truck parked next to an oil rig somewhere. Clearly there are some problems with their sex life which I think they both realize.  They continue to bicker throughout the episode, mostly about sex and money which seem to be their main issues.

Kathryn and John are now 36 weeks pregnant at eight months of marriage. (?) Glazing over this fact.  Anyway, they are at Lamaze and talking about labor and vaginas ripping and perinatal massage.  John makes a comment about buying a dildo which clearly doesn’t thrill the rest of the class or instructor.  Kathryn is so preggo she says she feel like she’s in a rental suit.  Kathryn’s dad offers to finish the basement for them so now John gets to keep his pool table.  He’s not the most helpful, which he admits, so he decides to open the car seat.   Luckily his charming sister comes over to help.  Then neither of them can figure out how to put the infant carseat in.  Kathryn and John are trying everything they can to go into labor in the the 5 plus days after her due date.  Sex, Chinese food, reflexology.  Finally, twelve days past her due date, they leave for the hospital, and the episode ends.

Episode 8, the season finale is up next.  Alaska and Kim are honeymooning while Kathryn and John are having, not the easiest labor.  Jeff and Blair visit the sex therapist and Tina’s dad informs her he is marrying Nurse Crazypants.  That’s quite the way to end the first year of marriage.  Will there be a reunion special Andy Cohen? Guess we’ll have to stay tuned…

Newlyweds: Episode 6

Is Kathryn getting dissed at her baby shower? Photo credit: bravotv.com

Is Kathryn getting dissed at her baby shower? Photo credit: bravotv.com

By Lesley Rousso

The week begins with Tina and Tarz arguing about his lack of libido and going on dates together. Tina explains that she expected more out of her first year of marriage. Sorry but I have to laugh when they’re having such a serious conversation while laying in a bed of sequins. They move on to a photo shoot, both in thongs. They’re like Ken and Indian Barbie. She is gorge and has a sick body, and he’s hot too. They should be doing it a lot right about now. No kids, he works from home, etc. Tarz is reminded of why he loves her so much as
they strike a pose together. It’s a sweet, genuine moment.

Kathryn and John are well into pregnancy and she wants to see John do some housework before the baby comes. In typical John fashion, he hires a friend to paint and tries to help, but mainly just complains the entire time. They also argue over the tanning salon. The two take a trip to a store to register for gifts for their upcoming baby shower. John again complains, this time that “the baby is going to get all the attention”. John is the only man at the shower and complains too.   John’s less than charming sister, the one who complained that she wasn’t in a photo album Kathryn made decides to make a speech. She proclaims how surprised she is that they’re having a baby so soon after getting married, that she better be included in future albums and she will not be available to help them on Friday and Saturday nights. John tells her how beautiful the speech is. Seriously?? After the shower they argue about getting rid of the pool table to make room for a playroom. In front of his sister and her family. Of course sister dearest chimes in, really, you’ve got to mind your own business honey. Meanwhile, the nursery is finished and John starts coming around. They even pick
a name for the baby. Dean James, after both of their fathers.

Jeff and Blair start the day together as Blair goes off to work and Jeff meets with an attorney. He wants to know where things stand now that he and Blair have a legal domestic partnership. The first thing the lawyer wants to know is where Blair is. Jeff learns that being partners means, that during the relationship, everything they have and earn becomes community property. Clearly Jeff wasn’t aware that Blair was acquiring little stakes in Jeff’s home. Clearly, he’s not thrilled by this either. Blair is very upset that Jeff went to speak to someone without him, declaring it shady. Agreed Blair. They end up visiting a financial planner, trying to figure out just how to merge or not merge their finances. They decide to draft wills and living trusts.

Alaska surprises Kim with a bicycle and a cute bike ride after he’s been traveling. They ride to Rosa Mexicano for lunch where he announces he has to go to work right after and is basically texting the entire lunch. She asks him not to, but he continues. It’s actually painful. He gets up and leaves and she’s left to ride her bike home alone. Alaska opens up to Kim, about his mom, while on a trip to the grocery store. His mom passed away previously and he wants Kim to do many of the things his mom used to do. Like cook for him, hence the grocery store. Alaska and Kim are growing on me, slowly.

Tina ends the episode by telling us she’s a week late. Is she or isn’t she?

Until next week, stay tuned…