RHOBH Episode 13: The Curse of Carlton/ Episode 14: The Birthday Witch

Things are about to get nipply!  Photo: bravotv.com

Things are about to get nipply!
Photo: bravotv.com

By Lesley Rousso

The episode begins at Carlton’s house as she’s preparing for her pool party.  She and her daughters are blowing up their own balloons and putting together some paper decorations. Her girls ask her why they can’t stay and Carlton replies with, “because it’s an adult party.”  Why is is she using decor then, that I wouldn’t use at my dog’s party, let alone a child’s party?  I’m talking dollar store cardboard star cutouts.  I’m sorry to go on here, but I am a stickler for details.  It’s all in the details folks.  Anyway, husband David leaves to drop the kids off at Grandma’s and Carlton continues decorating (?) Goody bags come courtesy of Hustler, and of course, the official house party food of the Real Housewives of BH, Fatburger arrives.  They must get a discount.  Meanwhile a bevy of naked girls have their bodies painted in Carlton’s playroom.

We meet Kim at the Autograph and Pop Culture show as she meets her fans.  Now besides Kim, in attendance are Ami Dolenz, Richard Chamberlain and Diane Franklin, remember her from Better Off Dead? Bravo TV, if people actually leave their houses to drag their lazy butts to see these people, can you imagine what Bravo Con would look like?  Kim has a stack of pics from when she was probably sixteen and she autographs them and poses for photos with random weirdos.  Then Jimmy McNichol, who looks alarmingly like his sister Kristy, comes up and asks Kim why they never dated.  You’d think that would be the highlight right?  Wrong, some crazy comes up and has Kim hold a doll that looks like a cross between a monkey and a monster.  It looks like it’s breathing.  Creepy.

Back over at the naked pool party Carlton greets her girlfirend, oops I mean Elizy and the naked gals begin serving cocktails.  Brandi gets there with several friends in tow as do Ken and Lisa with Giggy in tow.  Yeah, this is not the caliber of party one would see at Villa Rosa.  Yolanda gets there next as Lisa is continuing to tell Brandi to see a doctor for her hand. (Last week’s boxing epi).  Brandi is having none of it, (Foreshadowing) and stalks away.  Lisa seriously just can’t seem to help herself, she has to mother people.  Yolanda tells her to just leave it alone.  Everyone watches the pole dancers for a while, ultra classy, and Joyce and Michael join the fun.  Kyle and Mauricio get there too and Kyle is literally wearing a mumu.  It’s like a Grandma dress, I don’t get it.

Anyway, Kyle asks to see Carltons new tattoo.  Kyle says “Is that a Jewish star?” to which Carlton responds with a very annoyed “Really?”  Carlton is totally in the right here.  It is without a doubt a regular star, actually one of the pentagram variety, not the Star of David.  Kyle, who converted to Judaism should be embarrassed, mainly because she looked very foolish asking this question.  She tried to redeem herself by claiming that Carlton was the rude one with the way she responded.  No Kyle, Carlton just thought you looked stupid, big difference, don’t pull the anti-Semitic card.  I’m Jewish and I’m more offended by the fact that Kyle doesn’t know the diff between a Pentagram and a Star of David.  Especially for someone who converted.  Converts are often more religious than those of us born into it.  The party drags on, Kyle refuses to go swimming  saying it looks like a lot of cooties are in the pool.  Yolanda gets in with Brandi and her friends and Kyle passes out french fries, saying they’re all too skinny.  Of course Joyce opts out, saying she doesn’t want other people’s DNA on her.  Kyle gives Carlton her necklace, after Carlton admires it.  Trying to smooth things over obviously, though I’m not sure how comfortable Carlton is with this gesture.

The next day in Malibu (sigh) Yolanda is making lemonade and waiting for the girls to come over.  She is making a picture wall for Gigi‘s new apartment in New York, similar to the one in their house, so she’s asked the girls to come over and paint with her.  Yolanda brings everything upstairs to ab breatakingly beautiful outside patio.  Kyle won’t be attending as she is at Days of Our Lives filming a role as a talent agent.  I tune in once in a while as Days has always been my fave daytime soap, I was once a huge Hope and Bo fan!

Yolanda receives a last minute call from Lisa telling her she can’t make it,which upsets her.  Joyce arrives with a cake in hand followed by Carlton, who appears frazzled and slightly hung over.  The three start to hed up to the patio and Joyce says, we really don’t need the wine, maybe when Brandi gets here she’ll want it.  This pisses off Carlton who asks Joyce to please not label Brandi.  Joyce tries to say that she wasn’t but it was a pretty transparent comment.  Brandi gets there and Yo tells the girls how Lisa canceled.  Brandi throws her under the bus in the interview saying that Lisa was annoyed at how far Malibu is.  Brandi complains about her broken hand, which LVP said was broken, of course she gives her no credit here.  They paint in the idyllic setting, David visits for a sec and then Carlton asks if anyone is talking shit about her.  She says she had a dream that Kyle was talking negatively about her religion.  Brandi says that the only person she would express that to would probably be Joyce.  Joyce says if she has a problem that she should talk to Kyle. Carlton goes on, saying Kyle is definitely talking shit.  Joyce says she doesn’t understand why Carlton just doesn’t talk to Kyle.  Brandi says jokingly that Kyle’s afraid she’ll cast a spell on her.  So Joyce chimes in with, “Spells only get to you if you believe in it.”  Carlton says, “No that’s bullshit.  Don’t come at me and say you don’t believe it, when you go home tonight watch out.”

The next day, Joyce meets Kim and tells her what happened at Yolanda’s and that something did in fact happen to her.  Her husband Michael who apparently believes in energies and spells, got deathly ill.  Dun dun dunnnnnn…

Episode 14: The Birthday Witch

The episode opens with Lisa at Villa Blanca meeting Kevin Lee to plan Ken’s birthday party.  Kyle joins them because it will be a joint birthday party for Mauricio as well.  They decide to do an elegant dinner, after Carlton’s super classy Fourth of July party.

Brandi arrives to do her book cover photo shoot and starts looking at her choice of dresses.  Her new book editor introduces herself and starts barking orders.  The team is less than thrilled but they do as she asks and the cover looks great when all is said and done.

Carlton gets an invitation to meet Joyce for lunch which she finds very strange.  Carlton jumps right in though telling Joyce that she has a problem with her flippancy*. Yet again Joyce asks, “What’s flippancy?” Carlton tells her that it means being dismissive and Joyce says,  “But I haven’t been flippanty.”  Joyce tells her she respects her religion but she needs to know that Carlton is not doing any spells on her.  To which Carlton responds, “Are you f*cking kidding me?” Joyce tells her what happened to Michael.  Carlton tells her that she doesn’t practice dark spells anymore because you pay a price.  She goes on to say that when she had children she knew the black magic had to stop.  Joyce tells her she needs to know that her child is not going to “fall down a ladder”.  Carlton tells her not to ever mention children.  My question is what the heck would her child be doing on a ladder?  Carlton assures her she wouldn’t ever do anything to her or her family.

Kim heads to the tattoo parlor with her daughter to get matching butterfly tattoos, before she leaves for college.  At the same time Yolanda starts to pack up Gigi for college in New York.  Very cute mother daughter scenes.  The matching tattoo thing is a little much, but to each her own.

At Lisa’s house, Kevin and Kyle arrive to see what’s happening for the upcoming birthday party.  Of course the setting is beautiful and of course Lisa and Kevin shoot down Kyle’s ideas.  They do however decide it’s a great idea to have water dancers, hmm.  The next day, Ken and Lisa get ready and Rocio and Ken dress Giggy in his tux.  Lisa looks stunning as does the table.  Honestly Carlton, this is where you need to pay attention.  Scheana and Stassi arrive to serve and Peter and Jax tend bar although the party is not being catered by Sur or Villa Blanca.  Carlton and David get there, along with Pandora and Jason.  Brandi gets there, bringing JR as her date as he was invited too.  Kyle and Mauricio come late to which Lisa makes a remark. Kyle tells us that clearly Kevin and Lisa wanted all control so it didn’t really matter what time they showed up.  Brandi sips on a vodka soda, saying this is her cleanse, because it has no sugar.  Lisa tells Brandi she should congratulate Scheana on getting engaged.  Brandi is all, why should I?  I agree with Brandi here, I really do.  Meanwhile the bathing beauties step into the pool to do their interpretive dance and one promptly slips and falls on her ass.  Lisa tells Kevin, hey they’re supposed to be synchronized swimmers, tell them to get into the water.  Lisa then forces Kevin and Jax into the pool with the “swimmers”.

They take their seats at the table and start toasting.  Ken makes a silly toast and Kyle stands on ceremony.  Lisa totally mocks her which is really funny.  I’m #sorrynotsorry but LVP can do no wrong in my book.   Then a  strolling singer/songwriter comes to the table and he sings a ridiculous song about Ken and Mauricio.  Ken says, maybe you can sing a Jewish song and Kyle breaks into the Hava Nagila and Brandi starts singing the Dreidel song. Then they all give Brandi and JR crap about their on again off again relationship. Pandora and Jason present Ken with a huge portrait of Giggy in a tux.  At first they joke that it’s a naked picture of Lisa and the whole three-fourths  of a nipple thing comes up.  So Kyle tells Lisa to explain to her, which infuriates Carlton because Kyle is calling her “her”.  Kyle tells her to relax and Carlton tells her that she has a feeling that Kyle has been talking shit about her.  She goes on to say that Kyle was overheard at the pool party saying how disgusting the bathroom was.  So Kyle says that this is her husband’s birthday, it’s not the time and Carlton says, I don’t care. Kyle responds with I’ve been nothing but f*cking nice to you.  Carlton disagrees, and tells her she’s passive aggressive, and voices escalate.  Kyle tells Carlton to let her talk, explaining Lisa’s nipple joke, LVP nods in agreement and Carlton tells Kyle “Don’t you dare come on to me, you don’t dare come on me.”  They fight back and forth.  Carlton tells Kyle she’s not genuine and tells her she cleansed the necklace she gave her. Kyle accuses Carlton of lying about what she said when she gave her the necklace.  Carlton then brings up the tattoo thing and Kyle says, if you don’t want to be judged for being a wiccan, don’t act like a witch. Kyle accuses her of being anti-semitic.  Carlton gets pissed, gets up and walks away.  Lisa goes after Carlton and sticks up for Kyle, and Carlton and David leave.  Even Brandi agrees that Carlton was making something out of nothing.  Another Dinner Party from Hell in the books.  At least Brandi wasn’t involved this time!

Next week:  Kyle and Mauricio are uninvited to David and Carlton’s company party, Kim, Brandi and Kyle talk crap about Lisa and its the beginning of the end.  Stay tuned…

RHOBH Episode 12: Tough Break

Drinking and Dialing? Brandi hope to make ammends with dear old dad.

Drinking and Dialing? Brandi hopes to make ammends with dear old dad.

By Lesley Rousso

This week, the episode begins at Carlton‘s house, where she greets her arriving friends with kisses, on the lips.  Carlton has an annual pool party  that she is auditioning the “talent” for.  Her friends are there to help and of course so is her trusty sidekick, Elizy the ever-present Nanny. Does she ever actually nanny? They should change her title to Carlton’s playmate.  Carlton explains to us that it’s very important to entertain everyone. So along with a caterer, she has girls on poles and girls on the balconies…I know that’s the first thing I usually book when throwing a pool party…Meanwhile she lets the hookers, sorry MODELS in and they proceed to pole dance for Carlton and her friends.

Brandi prepares to pack for a trip to Sacramento and we see that she’s adopted a new dog named Buddy.  Lisa stops by and Brandi tells her what a big deal it is for her to be going to her hometown for this book signing event.  She happens to be going on her father’s birthday.  Guy Glanville, Brandi’s dad, is still upset with her for saying he was a drug dealer in her book.  He was a marijuana distributor and grower and I guess was offended by the term “drug dealer”. Brandi tells Lisa that Yolanda is traveling with her, telling us that Yo will be much more relatable to her parents than Lisa.  Lisa once again mothers Brandi, which Brandi detests. Is this the beginning of the end for these two?  I think so.

Brandi and Yo arrive in Sacramento and head to the hotel.  Brandi entertains Yolanda on the way, with stories of her mischievous teenage years.  Brandi hasn’t spoken with her father for months and is questioning whether or not he’ll even show up at her event.  He is not overly pleasant on the phone but does show up and Brandi has Yolanda kind of babysit him, which puts him in a seemingly good mood.  Brandi and her dad begin to resolve things and are hopefully on the road to recovery.

Over at the gun range, Joyce and husband Michael take shooting lessons.  Once again Miss Puerto Rico is in a costume of sorts, black sweater with skulls on it, short shorts and heels.  Joyce tells the gun instructor a crazy tale of a home invasion at her house.  I’m not sure robbers usually carry shot guns, but to each his own I guess.  The story gets even loonier, and the gun guy just has a look like “Okaaaaay”.  Joyce actually ends up being a pretty decent shot, but that story sounded like nonsense.  Oh, and better watch out if you try to rob Joyce, she’s wielding a machete.

It’s Friday night at Kyle‘s and she’s hosting a Shabbat dinner.  She has a personal chef assisting her and as she’s covering the challah she tells the chef that she grew up Catholic but converted because it was important to Mauricio.  Kyle tells us that growing up in Beverly Hills all of her friends were Jewish and she always admired the traditions.  Mauricio’s sister Sharon (who knew) and husband Kendall arrive with their son and they light the Shabbat candles.

All of the ladies go to a boxing class together, Joyce wearing an I heart life shirt and high top wedge sneakers.  I just can’t with her, has the woman heard of Lululemon and Nike? Anyway, the trainer instructs the ladies on how to defend themselves and how to choke someone.  Yolanda proceeds to almost kill him during this lesson as she chokes him until he’s purple. Carlton proves to be a good boxer and Lisa clad in crops and a bra top basically just shakes her boobs at the trainer, who becomes distracted.  Love that LVP.  Kim and Kyle of course box each other and it’s a pretty even fight.  Brandi practically breaks her hand hitting him and Yolanda chokes him again.

Brandi, Lisa and Kyle leave together for a drink and at the bar Lisa tells them she can’t stay to eat because she has to work.  Kyle chastises (word of the season) her and tells her that for once she should just stay and relax.  Kyle throws some digs Lisa’s way and Brandi tells them they’re too competitive.  The two bicker and then Lisa tells Brandi to have her swollen hand looked at. Again, doesn’t go over well with Brandi.  The episode ends.  Honestly, it was a little boring this week.

Next week: Carlton’s pool party takes place in all it’s naughtiness and Kyle manages to offend her again, Kim goes to an autograph convention and holds an unusual doll and Carlton and Joyce have a fight about witchcraft. Stay tuned…

RHOBH Episode 10: Catfight on the Catwalk

Best butties...Yolanda clearly has Brandi's back! Photo credit: Bravotv.com

Best butties…Yolanda clearly has Brandi’s back!
Photo credit: Bravotv.com

By Lesley Rousso

Let me start off by saying that I can’t believe we’re on episode ten already.  Good thing RHONY is coming back soon! Okay so the episode opens at Sur with the continuation of the argument between Joyce and Brandi.  I swear I’m having deja vu here.  Brandi continues to curse up a storm and Arnold Schwarzenegger, excuse me, I mean Michael continues to reprimand* her.  Brandi is a drunken mess and Joyce tells her she’s tacky.  Brandi responds by telling her how disgusting it is that she say that to her.  Brandi honey, do you expect Joyce to just let you throw a barrage of insults at her and not respond?  If I were Joyce, tacky would be the least of it.  Brandi can dish it out but she has a big problem taking it.  She tries to blame it on her puppy being gone and starts crying.  Ken and Yolanda try to diffuse the situation as the Pump Rules kids try not to laugh in the background.  Yolanda takes Brandi away from the table. Ken tries to smooth it over, saying that Brandi hasn’t been the same since Chica went missing.  Joyce tells them that she gets that but points out that this all started before the dog went missing.  I would feel for Joyce a little more if she would stop using the word bully.  This is not seventh grade, you are all grown women.  She’s not bullying you, she’s just being a bitch.  Yolanda puts Brandi in the back of a car, a sobbing mess and comes back to the table.  She tells Joyce and Michael that Brandi is a good person, what you see is what you get.  Clearly, they disagree.  If I were them, I would feel the same.

Over at Animal Planet, Kim waits for Kingsley to return home.  The trainer brings him in and explains what Kim needs to do to maintain what her dog has learned.  The biggest problem with keeping a dog trained is being consistent.  If you are though, dogs are smart and they will listen.  I’m sure those of you who personally know my pack of dogs are shaking your heads right now but that’s another story for another time.   They go over the commands and Kim tells us that it doesn’t make sense to her to keep him on a leash all day.  Will Kim be consistent?  We shall see.

Carlton and the girls, including Elizy, head into the backyard armed with buckets to clean the playhouse.  Think mini castle.  They play around the backyard I am now coveting, have a hose fight and argue about not killing a spider.  Cute, but serious fluff by Bravo.  Especially right on the heels of Kim and the dog.

Following right along with the fluffy pattern, Kyle and Joyce meet at the golf course.  A golf pro greets them and Joyce says for the seventeenth time in this thirty-second scene that although she looks the part, she has no idea what she’s doing.  I’m not sure about you, but if I were on the course I probably wouldn’t be wearing a shirt buttoned down to my belly button.  Just a thought.  Kyle is a little better although the wedge high-top sneakers wouldn’t be my first choice either. Anyway, Kyle swings and misses several times and Joyce is really no better.  When they take a break, Joyce fills Kyle in on the latest dinner party from hell.  Meanwhile Yolanda arrives at Brandi’s and they discuss the previous evening.  Yolanda tries very hard to give her some words of advice, noting that she’s a Scorpio and when Scorpios sting, they sting hard.  I could not agree more with Yolanda here. Back at the golf course, Joyce tells Kyle some specifics and Kyle looks shocked.  Brandi tells Yolanda, she won’t change who she is and continues to make excuses for her behavior.  Brandi will never see what she does wrong, she’s just one of those.  We all know them.  Joyce tells Kyle that Brandi is a negative person who will never have a guy until she changes her behavior.  She goes on to say that she will be cordial, but from now on, Brandi doesn’t exist in her world.

Carlton and husband David arrive at the tattoo parlor for her to get her latest ink, which is a pentagram with her kids names around  it and the phrase Blessed Be.  She gets it on the back of her neck.  It comes out super cool.

Ken and Lisa shop for furniture and pieces for the new restaurant.  They talk about the dinner and Lisa says she had to stay out of it.  Ken agrees but says that Michael should have too.  Lisa disagrees, and says it was admirable of him, that he has to stick up for his wife.  Ken says that no he doesn’t, not against another woman and Lisa tells us that’s BS, that Ken would totally defend her.

Kyle arrives at her store to prepare for her fashion show and runs to the rescue of a fallen mannequin. I see they added a runway, which is pretty, but small.    Brandi gets into a car with her two friends and heads to the show, telling them about Joyce.  Her friend Etirsa tells her the remark about Joyce being a black girl was a pretty stupid thing to say to someone she doesn’t know.  Brandi and Joyce arrive at Kyle’s store minutes apart. Etirsa gives Kyle’s daughters tips on how to walk the runway, Sophia not wanting to do it.  Kyle goes into the back to greet Jamie Lee Curtis who is serving as an emcee.  Kyle and Jamie talk about being in the movie Halloween together when Kyle was seven and how sweet Jamie was to her.  Everyone else shows up now including Eduardo, Mauricio’s dad who I don’t remember seeing before, Michael, Carlton, Kim, and Lisa and Ken.  Jamie Lee begins the show, on behalf of the Children’s Hospital of Los Angeles, by telling us that Kyle and Mauricio have joined the First Families of the hospital.  This is a specific level of sponsorship which only donors who donate one hundred thousand dollars fall into.  Good for you guys, what a mitzvah! (good deed)  The show takes place, everyone looks amazing and it was all for a great cause.

When Joyce is done walking the catwalk , Lisa asks her to meet for a drink this week, just the two of them.  Joyce agrees and goes over to Lisa’s clad in a pink swim cover up.  Just kidding, it was a dress.  Kind of.  Lisa tries to apologize for the other night and says she’s not making excuses for Brandi, but she really kind of is. Joyce tells Lisa that Brandi lied, that they DO NOT have mutual friends. Lisa tells us that while Joyce is a formidable opponent, she’s probably a good girl (or she’s not a bad girl, inside joke).  Lisa tells Joyce she feels that she herself is constantly chastising*  Brandi.  Like a deer in the headlights, Joyce says “What? What’s chastise?”  So Lisa says, “I don’t know, reprimand”.  Joyce is blank again and Lisa ends the episode saying “You don’t know that word either.”

*reprimand v.  reprove or rebuke severely, especially in a formal way.

 *chastise – v.  to punish.
Next week: Brandi and Carlton pole dance, Kim has a graduation party for her daughter and argues with Lisa, Brandi and Joyce fight again and the word bully is used one hundred and twenty-seven times.  Stay tuned…
Tell us: Are you team Brandi or  Team Joyce? Do you think Brandi is going to burn some bridges this season? Share your thoughts below!