By Lesley Rousso
The episode begins at Carlton’s house as she’s preparing for her pool party. She and her daughters are blowing up their own balloons and putting together some paper decorations. Her girls ask her why they can’t stay and Carlton replies with, “because it’s an adult party.” Why is is she using decor then, that I wouldn’t use at my dog’s party, let alone a child’s party? I’m talking dollar store cardboard star cutouts. I’m sorry to go on here, but I am a stickler for details. It’s all in the details folks. Anyway, husband David leaves to drop the kids off at Grandma’s and Carlton continues decorating (?) Goody bags come courtesy of Hustler, and of course, the official house party food of the Real Housewives of BH, Fatburger arrives. They must get a discount. Meanwhile a bevy of naked girls have their bodies painted in Carlton’s playroom.
We meet Kim at the Autograph and Pop Culture show as she meets her fans. Now besides Kim, in attendance are Ami Dolenz, Richard Chamberlain and Diane Franklin, remember her from Better Off Dead? Bravo TV, if people actually leave their houses to drag their lazy butts to see these people, can you imagine what Bravo Con would look like? Kim has a stack of pics from when she was probably sixteen and she autographs them and poses for photos with random weirdos. Then Jimmy McNichol, who looks alarmingly like his sister Kristy, comes up and asks Kim why they never dated. You’d think that would be the highlight right? Wrong, some crazy comes up and has Kim hold a doll that looks like a cross between a monkey and a monster. It looks like it’s breathing. Creepy.
Back over at the naked pool party Carlton greets her girlfirend, oops I mean Elizy and the naked gals begin serving cocktails. Brandi gets there with several friends in tow as do Ken and Lisa with Giggy in tow. Yeah, this is not the caliber of party one would see at Villa Rosa. Yolanda gets there next as Lisa is continuing to tell Brandi to see a doctor for her hand. (Last week’s boxing epi). Brandi is having none of it, (Foreshadowing) and stalks away. Lisa seriously just can’t seem to help herself, she has to mother people. Yolanda tells her to just leave it alone. Everyone watches the pole dancers for a while, ultra classy, and Joyce and Michael join the fun. Kyle and Mauricio get there too and Kyle is literally wearing a mumu. It’s like a Grandma dress, I don’t get it.
Anyway, Kyle asks to see Carltons new tattoo. Kyle says “Is that a Jewish star?” to which Carlton responds with a very annoyed “Really?” Carlton is totally in the right here. It is without a doubt a regular star, actually one of the pentagram variety, not the Star of David. Kyle, who converted to Judaism should be embarrassed, mainly because she looked very foolish asking this question. She tried to redeem herself by claiming that Carlton was the rude one with the way she responded. No Kyle, Carlton just thought you looked stupid, big difference, don’t pull the anti-Semitic card. I’m Jewish and I’m more offended by the fact that Kyle doesn’t know the diff between a Pentagram and a Star of David. Especially for someone who converted. Converts are often more religious than those of us born into it. The party drags on, Kyle refuses to go swimming saying it looks like a lot of cooties are in the pool. Yolanda gets in with Brandi and her friends and Kyle passes out french fries, saying they’re all too skinny. Of course Joyce opts out, saying she doesn’t want other people’s DNA on her. Kyle gives Carlton her necklace, after Carlton admires it. Trying to smooth things over obviously, though I’m not sure how comfortable Carlton is with this gesture.
The next day in Malibu (sigh) Yolanda is making lemonade and waiting for the girls to come over. She is making a picture wall for Gigi‘s new apartment in New York, similar to the one in their house, so she’s asked the girls to come over and paint with her. Yolanda brings everything upstairs to ab breatakingly beautiful outside patio. Kyle won’t be attending as she is at Days of Our Lives filming a role as a talent agent. I tune in once in a while as Days has always been my fave daytime soap, I was once a huge Hope and Bo fan!
Yolanda receives a last minute call from Lisa telling her she can’t make it,which upsets her. Joyce arrives with a cake in hand followed by Carlton, who appears frazzled and slightly hung over. The three start to hed up to the patio and Joyce says, we really don’t need the wine, maybe when Brandi gets here she’ll want it. This pisses off Carlton who asks Joyce to please not label Brandi. Joyce tries to say that she wasn’t but it was a pretty transparent comment. Brandi gets there and Yo tells the girls how Lisa canceled. Brandi throws her under the bus in the interview saying that Lisa was annoyed at how far Malibu is. Brandi complains about her broken hand, which LVP said was broken, of course she gives her no credit here. They paint in the idyllic setting, David visits for a sec and then Carlton asks if anyone is talking shit about her. She says she had a dream that Kyle was talking negatively about her religion. Brandi says that the only person she would express that to would probably be Joyce. Joyce says if she has a problem that she should talk to Kyle. Carlton goes on, saying Kyle is definitely talking shit. Joyce says she doesn’t understand why Carlton just doesn’t talk to Kyle. Brandi says jokingly that Kyle’s afraid she’ll cast a spell on her. So Joyce chimes in with, “Spells only get to you if you believe in it.” Carlton says, “No that’s bullshit. Don’t come at me and say you don’t believe it, when you go home tonight watch out.”
The next day, Joyce meets Kim and tells her what happened at Yolanda’s and that something did in fact happen to her. Her husband Michael who apparently believes in energies and spells, got deathly ill. Dun dun dunnnnnn…
Episode 14: The Birthday Witch
The episode opens with Lisa at Villa Blanca meeting Kevin Lee to plan Ken’s birthday party. Kyle joins them because it will be a joint birthday party for Mauricio as well. They decide to do an elegant dinner, after Carlton’s super classy Fourth of July party.
Brandi arrives to do her book cover photo shoot and starts looking at her choice of dresses. Her new book editor introduces herself and starts barking orders. The team is less than thrilled but they do as she asks and the cover looks great when all is said and done.
Carlton gets an invitation to meet Joyce for lunch which she finds very strange. Carlton jumps right in though telling Joyce that she has a problem with her flippancy*. Yet again Joyce asks, “What’s flippancy?” Carlton tells her that it means being dismissive and Joyce says, “But I haven’t been flippanty.” Joyce tells her she respects her religion but she needs to know that Carlton is not doing any spells on her. To which Carlton responds, “Are you f*cking kidding me?” Joyce tells her what happened to Michael. Carlton tells her that she doesn’t practice dark spells anymore because you pay a price. She goes on to say that when she had children she knew the black magic had to stop. Joyce tells her she needs to know that her child is not going to “fall down a ladder”. Carlton tells her not to ever mention children. My question is what the heck would her child be doing on a ladder? Carlton assures her she wouldn’t ever do anything to her or her family.
Kim heads to the tattoo parlor with her daughter to get matching butterfly tattoos, before she leaves for college. At the same time Yolanda starts to pack up Gigi for college in New York. Very cute mother daughter scenes. The matching tattoo thing is a little much, but to each her own.
At Lisa’s house, Kevin and Kyle arrive to see what’s happening for the upcoming birthday party. Of course the setting is beautiful and of course Lisa and Kevin shoot down Kyle’s ideas. They do however decide it’s a great idea to have water dancers, hmm. The next day, Ken and Lisa get ready and Rocio and Ken dress Giggy in his tux. Lisa looks stunning as does the table. Honestly Carlton, this is where you need to pay attention. Scheana and Stassi arrive to serve and Peter and Jax tend bar although the party is not being catered by Sur or Villa Blanca. Carlton and David get there, along with Pandora and Jason. Brandi gets there, bringing JR as her date as he was invited too. Kyle and Mauricio come late to which Lisa makes a remark. Kyle tells us that clearly Kevin and Lisa wanted all control so it didn’t really matter what time they showed up. Brandi sips on a vodka soda, saying this is her cleanse, because it has no sugar. Lisa tells Brandi she should congratulate Scheana on getting engaged. Brandi is all, why should I? I agree with Brandi here, I really do. Meanwhile the bathing beauties step into the pool to do their interpretive dance and one promptly slips and falls on her ass. Lisa tells Kevin, hey they’re supposed to be synchronized swimmers, tell them to get into the water. Lisa then forces Kevin and Jax into the pool with the “swimmers”.
They take their seats at the table and start toasting. Ken makes a silly toast and Kyle stands on ceremony. Lisa totally mocks her which is really funny. I’m #sorrynotsorry but LVP can do no wrong in my book. Then a strolling singer/songwriter comes to the table and he sings a ridiculous song about Ken and Mauricio. Ken says, maybe you can sing a Jewish song and Kyle breaks into the Hava Nagila and Brandi starts singing the Dreidel song. Then they all give Brandi and JR crap about their on again off again relationship. Pandora and Jason present Ken with a huge portrait of Giggy in a tux. At first they joke that it’s a naked picture of Lisa and the whole three-fourths of a nipple thing comes up. So Kyle tells Lisa to explain to her, which infuriates Carlton because Kyle is calling her “her”. Kyle tells her to relax and Carlton tells her that she has a feeling that Kyle has been talking shit about her. She goes on to say that Kyle was overheard at the pool party saying how disgusting the bathroom was. So Kyle says that this is her husband’s birthday, it’s not the time and Carlton says, I don’t care. Kyle responds with I’ve been nothing but f*cking nice to you. Carlton disagrees, and tells her she’s passive aggressive, and voices escalate. Kyle tells Carlton to let her talk, explaining Lisa’s nipple joke, LVP nods in agreement and Carlton tells Kyle “Don’t you dare come on to me, you don’t dare come on me.” They fight back and forth. Carlton tells Kyle she’s not genuine and tells her she cleansed the necklace she gave her. Kyle accuses Carlton of lying about what she said when she gave her the necklace. Carlton then brings up the tattoo thing and Kyle says, if you don’t want to be judged for being a wiccan, don’t act like a witch. Kyle accuses her of being anti-semitic. Carlton gets pissed, gets up and walks away. Lisa goes after Carlton and sticks up for Kyle, and Carlton and David leave. Even Brandi agrees that Carlton was making something out of nothing. Another Dinner Party from Hell in the books. At least Brandi wasn’t involved this time!
Next week: Kyle and Mauricio are uninvited to David and Carlton’s company party, Kim, Brandi and Kyle talk crap about Lisa and its the beginning of the end. Stay tuned…