The Bachelor: Season 19 Episode 3

Jimmy Kimmel guest stars on The Bachelor. Credit Rick Rowell/ABC

Jimmy Kimmel guest stars on The Bachelor.
Credit Rick Rowell/ABC

By Denise Weiss

SISTER WIVES, HOES AND THE TONGUE BANDIT

Welcome to week 3 rose lovers. Our episode starts at the crack of dawn with a camera crew sneaking up on a sleeping, snoring Farmer Chris. A word of advice ladies- that snoring is going to get worse after Prince Farming packs on 20 pounds over the next 10 years. If you want to spend every night for the rest of your life punching your husband in the arm, roughly shoving him onto his side and yelling “STOP SNORING” through clenched teeth, then this is guy for you. When you are sleeping in the guest room, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Farmer Chris wakes up to find Jimmy Kimmel standing over his bed. Jimmy whispers “I am here to help.” Jimmy offers to make Farmer Chris a cup of coffee and tells him they are going to start an “amazing journey” together. That Jimmy Kimmel is so clever.

At the mansion, Chris Harrison tells the ladies that there is “another man” in their lives, and in walks Jimmy Kimmel. Jimmy tells the ladies that Farmer Chris is busy milking cows and slopping pigs so he is going to help him pick a wife. Before he can choose amongst one of the sister wives, Jimmy’s first official task is to implement an “Amazing Jar” and every time someone says the word “amazing” they have to put a dollar in the jar. Jimmy hopes they will raise enough money to buy the mansion and live together. Or pay for Ashley Onion’s electric shock therapy.

FIRST ONE ON ONE DATE

Jimmy leaves the first date card on the table and two dollars in the Amazing Jar. The first one on one date goes to Kaitlyn and the card reads: “YOU AND CHRIS ARE ABOUT TO JOIN AN EXCLUSIVE CLUB. SWEEPING VIEWS, VAULTED CEILINGS AND UNLIMITED HOR DOURVES AWAIT.” Kaitlyn is more psyched that Jimmy Kimmel gave her the card than she is about the date with Farmer Chris. She should be.

As they drink champagne in the limo on the Pacific Coast Highway, Kaitlyn and Farmer Chris speculate where they are going on their date. Kaitlyn thinks they are heading to a comedy club. WRONG. Instead, they arrive at Costco. Farmer Chris is bummed because his idea of a dream date would naturally involve a BJs.

Although Costco is not what Farmer Chris or Kaitlyn have in mind, they decide to make the best of their time together. As if they have a choice. Jimmy has left instructions for them to enjoy Costco because this is what real couples do together on weekends in the suburbs. Don’t be jealous Kaitlyn, but sometimes, I do it twice in one week. Armed with a shopping list and Jimmy Kimmel’s Costco card, they grab a cart and head inside. Who needs helicopters and romance when you can sit on warehouse furniture, sample crackers and hummus and eat the best pizza and churros in town. Hopefully Kaitlyn slugged down two or three (or six) glasses of champagne before she got out of the limo.

They walk around Costco picking up things they need to make dinner for Jimmy later that night. Their dinner party staples include a tub of mayo, enough ketchup to fill the hot tub and chairs and a folding table. Why the table and chairs? Doesn’t Farmer Chris’s place have seating for three? A random grandmother walks by and advises them that the cooked chicken is excellent. Like everyone in the world doesn’t already know that silly lady.

Farmer Chris feels chemistry during the trip through Costco, and he’s impressed that she handled it with such class. Farmer Chris seems to have forgotten that here in the real world, going to Costco is not a date, it is an errand. Once they have loaded 6 years worth of ketchup into their cart, it’s time to have some fun! They climb into the center of a big blue ball and are rolled up and down the aisles by 3 children whose parents are busy sampling crab dip on the other side of the store. When the ball comes to a stop, Kaitlyn and Farmer Chris share some annoying pecking kisses, which is so not Costco appropriate if you ask me. That’s #1. I give them credit though, I would have vomited my pizza and churros all over Costco after being rolled around in that ball. They load their purchases into the limo and drive off with Kaitlyn holding a package of Kirkland paper towels on her lap. Which reminds me- I need toilet paper.

Back at Farmer Chris’s bachelor pad, there is no time to change for dinner so Kaitlyn wears the same white crop top with red farmer flannel shirt tied around her waist that she has had on all day. They prepare dinner, which consists of Farmer Chris dumping an oversized container of seasoning all over a package of steaks, and Kaitlyn pouring bourbon into a glass. It feels real. Kaitlyn says she had a great time and loved how normal the Costco date felt. If she is that enamored by the normalcy of going to Costco, imagine how over the moon she would be if she came to my house and tackled the laundry.

While they wait for Jimmy to arrive for dinner, Farmer Chris and Kaitlyn get to know each other. Farmer Chris says his lifestyle is not glamorous (no kidding) and Kaitlyn says that’s what she likes about him because she prefers simplicity (yeah right). They kiss again. Kaitlyn spends the next five minutes roughly wiping her red lipstick off of Farmer Chris’s face and laughing. He laughs back. Well, he doesn’t exactly laugh… he giggles… like a little girl. Or a dolphin. They kiss some more until Jimmy Kimmel shows up and says he’s hungry. It’s like he’s one of my kids.

Farmer Chris and Jimmy have a bromance while they heat up chicken wings and grill steak on the BBQ. Kaitlyn tells Jimmy that she wanted to date Farmer Chris because she is really into farmers, and has actually dated farmers in the past. Jimmy says “really Kaitlyn, you have dated farmers”? Well, maybe it was just one farmer. Uh, sorry Kaitlyn, but a guy growing pot in his closet with a heat lamp and a humidifier is not a farmer.

During dinner they talk about having sex in the fantasy suite and Kaitlyn agrees that Farmer Chris should have sex with everyone because it’s important that he “test drive the car before he buys it.” Jimmy Kimmel suggests a threesome. They all laugh. In fact, they laugh a lot. They laugh so much that I wonder if Kaitlyn called her ex-farmer boyfriend to stop by with some of his homegrown “crops.” The date is lame, and Jimmy Kimmel, the third wheel, is the best part.

Finally, Farmer Chris grabs the rose and attempts to make a speech about how much he likes Kaitlyn. Sadly, Farmer Chris butchers the speech because he has no personality and can’t string two sentences together. Kaitlyn accepts the rose anyway (like she would ever turn it down). Farmer Chris and Kaitlyn finish their Costco meal and retreat to the hot tub to make out some more. Jimmy Kimmel sits in the corner of the hot tub eating a chicken wing. He is there, after all, “to be the lubricant that will smooth things out for everyone”. If Jimmy is the lube, then Chris Harrison must be the condom.

GROUP DATE

Back at the mansion, the group date card arrives. It says “ARE YOU READY TO MEET SOME REAL PARTY ANIMALS” and invites Britt, Jillian, Becca, Tracy, Teen Mom Mackenzie, Ashley Onion, Kelsie, Amber, Juelia, Samantha, Nikki and Carly to come on the group date and make fools of themselves.

In order to get in tip top shape for the date, Hairy Ass Jillian works out all of her body parts. Once again, she is wearing teeny tiny shorts and the black box of shame covers her privates. Jillian should start shopping in the women’s section from now on.

The girls arrive on a “farm” and Jimmy Kimmel tells them that he has set up a five part race appropriately entitled the “Hoedown Throw-down.” The purpose of this date is to determine which one of them is solid farmer wife material. The five parts of the race are: corn shucking, finding an egg in a chicken coop and cracking the egg into a pan without breaking the yolk, milking a goat and drinking 8 oz of freshly squeezed goat’s milk, shoveling manure and wrestling a greased pig. I’m starting to miss Costco.

The contest starts and Jillian takes the lead. She is wearing a shirt that says “stay classy” which should more appropriately read “I have a hairy assy.” It is clear right away that these girls don’t know how to shuck corn and wouldn’t even last a minute in the produce section at ShopRite. Jillian completes the task by ripping the corn apart with her bare hands and is the first to advance to the egg finding/egg cracking portion of the challenge. She is wearing teeny tiny white shorts and the black box of shame is back to protect us from having to see her uterus when she bends over. Teen Mom Mackenzie also advances to the egg cracking stage, but breaks the yolk, thereby disqualifying herself. I mean how can Teen Mom Mackenzie expect to be a good farmer’s wife if she can’t even properly make Chris his breakfast? It’s a good thing we have group dates like these to weed out the unqualified.

Jillian successfully completes the egg cracking task, and advances to the goat milking arena. She chases the goat around for a while, and scares the bejeezus out of it in the process. The goat eventually senses that Jillian is about to pick her up and body slam her, so she succumbs to the milking. Smart goat. Kelsey, Carly and a girl in a white off the shoulder blouse all advance to the goat milking portion of the race. Carly aggressively yanks up and down on her goat’s one working teat and is the first to fill her mason jar. The poor goat is looking at Jimmy Kimmel with eyes that are saying “pssst buddy, could you spare some lube.” Carly quickly downs the goat’s milk, despite possible life threatening or massive gas producing lactose intolerance, and runs off to shovel manure.

Kelsie is the next one to drink the goat’s milk and gags while complaining that it is “salty and warm and not easy to swallow.” Is this a metaphor? I’m speechless. Amber is happy that she didn’t make it to the goat round because she doesn’t like warm and salty things that taste like protein in her mouth. Some free advice Amber- don’t admit that you don’t like warm, salty protein in your mouth until AFTER the wedding.

Jillian downs the goat milk and heads over to the shit shoveling section. Carly has finished shoveling the shit and is wrestling with the lock at the greased pig pen. Jillian sees Carly struggling with the lock on the pig pen and decides fuck this, I’m not wrestling with no stupid lock, and flings herself over the fence like the bionic woman. Carly and Kelsie follow Jillian into the pen, and they all run around chasing pigs. Carly is the first to catch one of the greased pigs, and does a victory dance that resembles a seizure. She wins first prize which consists of a blue ribbon, a photo shoot of her and Farmer Chris dressed like American Gothic, and a belly full of salty warm goat’s milk, which will shortly cause explosive diarrhea.

Later that night Farmer Chris and the girls go out for drinks and Carly takes him aside to tell him that he is a man and she is a woman so they should kiss. Very astute observation Carly, but that doesn’t make up for the fact that you are pathetic and reek of desperation That’s #2.

Amber wants to slow dance even though there is no music. She tells him to pretend they are dancing at their wedding. That line all but assures us that Amber will be going home. They kiss. That’s #3.

There is a girl in a white dress. It might be Hairy Ass Jillian but I can’t be certain because she’s not wearing the black ass box. They kiss. That’s #4.

Teen Mom Mackenzie is totally annoyed because there are 17 other girls kissing Farmer Chris and where does that leave her? She asks Farmer Chris if he remembers their kiss, and “like why are you like kissing all these girls.” Farmer Chris is flustered, looks down at the ground and mumbles something like “I am trying to find a wife. I want kissing to mean something.” So, he wants kissing to mean something…as opposed to getting married, which means so little to Farmer Chris that he is willing to find his wife on a TV show full of sluts. I get it now. Carry on in your role as the tongue bandit Farmer Chris.

Britt is upset that she is not getting any so she snuggles up with Jillian, who stares lovingly down at Britt. Becca gets some alone time with Farmer Chris, and spends it talking and talking and talking. Farmer Chris looks bored and is just biding his time until Becca’s lips stop moving so he can swoop in and slip her the tongue. Not happening Farmer Chris! Becca is a hugger and doesn’t want to be sloppy fifths, so she ain’t having none of that kissing nonsense. Becca’s strategy works and she gets the group date rose along with a look of “duh” from Ashely Onion. Carly expresses her displeasure about being “rose-less” and excuses herself to go to the bathroom for another round of lactose intolerance induced diarrhea.

SECOND ONE ON ONE DATE

The second date card arrives and Kaitlyn answers the door. She is still wearing her favorite Costco date crop top. The card is for Whitney and says “TODAY IS GOING TO BE FUN. NO WHINING.” Which is impossible for Whitney and her chipmunk voice. Unless I hit the mute button.

Farmer Chris and Whitney head to the Saddle Rock Vineyard in Malibu, where they drink wine, eat cheese and talk. Whitney’s voice causes the desert animals to burrow underground.

Farmer Chris tells Whitney he is looking for someone he can “roll the cob” with, which is farmer talk for shooting the shit. He finds it attractive when a woman can talk to Joe Blow and make him her best friend. Let’s leave Whitney’s blowing Joe out of this please. Whitney says she likes to meet people at airports. I believe the TSA frowns upon that Whitney.

Whitney says they have a real, legit, storybook connection. Chris eats some of Whitney’s hair but has a hard time swallowing it. So many swallowing issues this week.

They make more dull conversation until Whitney suggests that they crash the wedding that just so happens to be taking place right behind them. They change into wedding attire, plant a camera crew a distance away, and walk in like they are invited guests. I find it hard to believe that this is a spontaneous wedding crash and that the bride and groom aren’t in on it. I know if two D-list reality TV losers crashed my wedding, I would sue ABC for intentional infliction of emotional distress. If Bradley Cooper or Maroon 5 showed up, however, that would be a different story. But Farmer Chris and Whitney? I would not be happy!

Farmer Chris is a buffoon and shows how stupid he truly is when he asks the maid of honor how she knows the bride, even though she just told him she was the bride’s sister 3 minutes ago. Fortunately, Whitney is the mastermind of this ruse, and comes to his rescue. Meanwhile, there are like 60 people at this wedding, and in a show of even greater stupidity, Farmer Chris plops himself at the table next to the mother of the bride and attempts to have a conversation with her. Are we to believe that the mother of the bride doesn’t know who she invited to her daughter’s wedding and doesn’t realize there are 2 strangers sitting at the table with her? Please. Spontaneous my Hairy Jillian Ass. Farmer Chris is no Vince Vaughn or Owen Wilson, and wins the title of “Worst Wedding Crasher Ever.”

After Whitney impresses Farmer Chris with her ability to lie and deceive, they dance. Farmer Chris has somewhat of a personality on the dance floor, and dazzles us with some of his moves, specifically the lawnmower and a move that I call “feed the chickens.” Whitney is determined to catch the bouquet and takes out the entire bridal party in her attempt. Farmer Chris and Whitney dance some more, then they kiss. That’s #5. Whitney thinks the date was amazing (so amazing that she has to put $33 in the Amazing Jar) and Farmer Chris is so impressed by Whitney’s ability to lie, connive and deceive people, that he can see her as his wife. Or in prison. Whitney gets the rose.

POOL PARTY TIME!

After a long week of shopping at Costco, performing farm shenanigans and crashing weddings, Farmer Chris works up a sweat by doing some crunches. He then takes another outdoor shower, but this time he has company. No it’s not one of the sluts…it’s Jimmy Kimmel who washes Chris’s back and shampoos his hair with half a bottle of Tresemme. He is hilarious. I hope they were wearing bathing suits.

After the shower Jimmy arrives at the mansion and tells the girls there will not be a cocktail party this week- instead, they will be having a pool party. This excites the girls, especially the ones with breast implants. Everyone runs upstairs to don their best bathing suits and fuck me heels. Ashely Eyelashes puts on 10 pounds of makeup and a gold g-string on her head which makes her look like an Egyptian slut. Teen Mom Mackenzie doesn’t bother fixing her hair and makeup, and just shows up as is, because she always looks the same anyway. Megan shows her intellectual side and exclaims it’s “the most best day ever.”

Farmer Chris arrives at the mansion, strips off his shirt and cannonballs into the pool. His belly hangs over his bathing suit and he has pimples on his back. He is dull AND gross. The girls ooooh and aaaaah over him. Yuck. Britt and Hairy Ass Jillian hold hands. Strange.

Despite the fact that we are not in Haight-Ashbury circa 1971, Juelia wears her favorite flower power headband. She decides that there is no better time or place than RIGHT NOW, during the pool party, to tell Farmer Chris about her husband’s suicide. She takes him to an out of the way gazebo and starts her story by saying “like suicide is like another form of loss because it’s like preventative oh my gosh it’s like loss upon loss like I’ve been told.” Then she cries as she tells Farmer Chris specific details about her husband’s death, like how she didn’t notice her husband’s mental illness, how she couldn’t deal with his mental illness, how she ignored his suicide note, how she left him alone with a loaded gun (to her credit she did call him later that night) and how devastated she was when he killed himself. She said the word “like” 57 times during the story. On the outside it appears that Farmer Chris is intently and sympathetically listening, but on the inside he is thinking “what is the appropriate amount of time that I have to sit here and hug this Debbie Downer who just ruined my pool party with this horrible story.” Juelia composes herself and asks Farmer Chris if he thinks that her daughter will be OK. What is he, Dr. Phil? He is a farmer Juelia, not a therapist. Jimmy Kimmel is smart enough to stay far, far away from this conversation and is no where in sight. Some things are better left off-camera, and this is one of them. Maybe they can reallocate the funds from the Amazing Jar and pay someone to teach Juelia about timing. Speaking of timing, the next commercial is for a medication to treat bi-polar disorder. Really, ABC? Have you no shame?

Juelia finishes her story and dries her tears just as Britt slithers up to the gazebo so she can make out with Farmer Chris and eat his face. That’s #6.

Jade wants some time with Farmer Chris, so she uses the old “can I have a tour of your place” line to get invited to his pad. Farmer Chris uses the old “let’s have a run and jump into the bed contest” to get Jade and her white stilettos and silk robe in his bed. They kiss.That’s #7. While they are horizontal and going at it in Chris’s bed, porn music plays in the background and the cameraman shoots directly up Jade’s vagina. Where is Jillian’s black modesty box when you need it! The whole thing is so gross and gets worse when what looks like Jade’s right breast falls out of her bathing suit and is suddenly front and center! I hope it was just the lining of her bathing suit, but I swear I saw boob.

Not to be left out of a good time, Jillian and her black box ass follow Jade and Farmer Chris to his place. Jillian makes herself comfortable on the edge of the hot tub while she waits for Chris to round second base with Jade. When Farmer Chris and Jade finally emerge, Jade leaves and Farmer Chris sits next to Hairy Black Box Ass Jillian on the side of the hot tub.

Up the road a yonder, Ashley Eyelashes, Teen Mom Mackenzie and Megan traipse down the driveway and make their way to the hot tub where Hairy Black Box Ass Jillian has a death grip on Farmer Chris’s knee. Jillian is not happy to see Huey, Dewey and Louie and shoos them away. The shunned trio have a meeting and strategize the best way to get Farmer Chris away from Hairy Ass. The best plan they come up with is to spy on them from behind a palm tree. Huey, Dewey and Louie have each other’s backs and make a pact to point out if any of their makeup starts to look “cracky.” While the trio watches, Hairy Black Box Ass Jillian and Farmer Chris kiss. That’s #8.

The plan devising trio head back to the hot tub and once again intrude on Hairy Ass’s time with Farmer Chris. Hairy Ass doesn’t budge, and this sends Ashley Eyelashes running off in a crying temper tantrum because Hairy Ass just isn’t playing fair. Ashley Eyelashes storms off, throws her plastic wine glass, cries and wipes away tearless tears (seriously, no water comes out of her eyes). Her makeup doesn’t smudge at all. Kim Kardashian would be proud.

Eventually Farmer Chris finds his way back to the mansion and takes Ashley Eyelashes and her magic belly button genie lantern ring upstairs to a rooftop deck to talk to her about why she is so upset. While he is trying to talk to her, Ashley Eyelashes does sort of a laugh, cry, giggle, eye wipe, hand over face, fake tears kind of thing, and is just an immature emotional mess. Farmer Chris leans in to hug her and she wipes her runny nose snot all over his shoulder. She tells Farmer Chris that she missed him this week and pulls him on top of her for a kiss, once again overcompensating for her alleged virginity. That’s #9. It was almost Farmer Chris’s last kiss because Ashley Eyelashes pulled him on top of her with such force that she almost sent both of them rolling off the roof in an attempted murder-suicide. Chris Harrison finally shows up and says it’s time for the rose ceremony. Jimmy Kimmel’s advice to Farmer Chris? “Whatever you do, don’t be yourself. Be someone who gives better speeches.” In other words, get a personality.

ROSE CEREMONY

Kaitlyn, Carly and Whitney already have roses. The remaining roses go to:

Jade and her white stripper shoes;
Samantha
(WHO??);
Pool Party Wrecker Juelia;
Teen Mom Mackenzie;
I don’t like salty warm things that I have to swallow Kelsey;
Hot Pink Lips Britt;
Megan who is too dull to have a nickname;
Pass the Imodium Carly;
Ashley Onion and her possessed bug eyes;
Nikki (or Brittany. I keep forgetting her name);
Hairy Black Box Ass Jillian; and
Ashley Eyelashes.

Going home are Trina (another WHO?), Tracy the teacher and Amber. Amber cries and says it sucks being rejected again. Then she turns and says “I don’t want to talk anymore.” Amber should have called Farmer Chris a racist for sending home the only African American contestant on MLK Day! Don’t worry Amber, I’m sure Al Sharpton will be on the first plane to Iowa in the morning to hold a protest and set Farmer Chris straight.

See you next week!

 

The Bachelor: Season 19 Episode 1

Iowa's Chris Soules is the new Bachelor. photo: abc.go.com

Iowa’s Chris Soules is the new Bachelor.
photo: abc.go.com

By Denise Weiss

E-I-E-I-OMG these girls are Bat Shit crazy!

Howdy partners and Rose Lovers and welcome to Season 19 of The Bachelor! Grab your favorite flannel shirt and hop aboard as we join Chris Soules on his journey to find a soulmate. Better hold onto your hats, for we are about to meet 30 of the craziest, drunkest, prom dress wearing group of women ever gathered in the mansion.

Our season starts on a faux red carpet where Chris Harrison, surrounded by screaming fans and former Bachelor/Bachelorette rejects, promises a season “unlike anything we’ve ever seen before.” Behind him, the former Bachelor/Bachelorette losers guzzle free champagne and pretend to mingle with each other. Chris Harrison elaborates that “tonight’s rose ceremony will be the strangest rose ceremony we’ve ever seen on the show.” Yeah, right. He then says that this season has “a virgin who spends the night in the fantasy suite, a wholesome girl with an x-rated past and two widows.” Sounds like ABC has really scraped the bottom of the barrel this time.

As usual, we start by getting to know our Bachelor. Chris Soules (a/k/a Farmer Chris) is a 33 year old, 4th generation farmer who lives in Arlington Iowa, population 416. Apparently there are no women in Arlington, just eighty year old men and Chris, and they all hang out in a local bar decorated with beer cans. Farmer Chris says it would take him a lifetime to meet 25 women, and that becoming The Bachelor is the best way for him to find love. That is so sad and makes me wonder how other farmers have managed to reproduce without the help of Chris Harrison and ABC.

We follow Prince Farming as he rides a Harley around Arlington, leans on a fence post, picks a green leaf and eats it, and stares lovingly across his field of dreams. Before we can even get the word metaphor out, Chris says “love is a lot like farming. You plant a seed, hope it grows. Sometimes the weather isn’t on your side but with luck something beautiful can come from it.” Excuse me for a moment while I vomit.

In an effort to get The Bachelor in tip top shape, Farmer Chris does push ups on hay bales with his new trainer, former Bachelorette contestant, meathead Cody. Once Farmer Chris’ abs are rock hard and he shows off his impressive guns, he is ready to leave the farm during the height of harvest season to find a wife. If only someone invented farmersoulmate.com, then Chris could plow the fields and find true love on his iPhone at the same time. Damn, I wish I had thought of that sooner.

Back on the sad faux red carpet, Chris Harrison wastes an hour of our time asking Sean and Catherine when they are going to have babies, listening to Lacey tells us she and Marcus are 80/40 set on a wedding date, and grilling Neekee on her failed relationship with Juan Pablo. Chris talks to Neekee much longer than necessary, and makes small talk with her for the sole purpose of staring at her noticeably larger breasts. It’s a mind numbing conversation and Neekee sounds like a high school sophomore. Eeeees OK Neekee, your 15 minutes are over- have some more free champagne.

Now that we have wasted an hour, let’s meet some of the Farmer Bride wannabe’s:

Britt is a 27 year old waitress from Hollywood CA, which means she is an actress. She confesses that her last relationship was sexless, but describes herself as a touchy person who likes to give hugs to strangers. Gee I wonder why that relationship ended. Hugs might be free, but I bet she charges hourly for everything else.

Jillian is a 25 year old news reporter from DC who works out and can dead lift more than most men she knows. She can do pull ups with a 100 lb weight between her well carved thighs. She scares me. I don’t know how she managed to tuck her balls into those tiny gym shorts. Farmer Chris should keep her around to haul hay in case the tractor breaks down.

Amanda is a 24 year old ballet teacher from Illinois who tells the producers that she is single because “I am f***ing crazy.” She lives at home with her mom because she doesn’t like to cook or clean or pay bills. That’s exactly what every man is looking for in a wife. Oh, and she refers to Farmer Chris as “a panty dropper.”

Whitney is a 29 year old fertility nurse also from Illinois, with a really annoying voice that sounds like Bart Simpson sucking helium and holding his nose at the same time. Listening to her made my ears hurt and caused the neighborhood dogs to howl.

Mackenzie is a 21 year old dental assistant with a young son named Kale. I’m pretty sure his real name is Billy, but she changed it to Kale to impress Farmer Chris. Her looks are as plain as a bowl of vanilla ice cream and she has about as much personality.

Alissa is a 24 year old flight attendant from NY. She seems nice and cute. I never get flight attendants like her. I always get the flight attendant named Marge who needs a lip wax and bangs me in the arm with the beverage cart.

Kelsey is a 25 year old school counselor from Austin, Texas whose husband dropped dead on his way to work one day. Despite her bad luck in the husband dropping dead department, Kelsey has decided that instead of staying home and crying about her loss, she is going to pick herself up and go on The Bachelor. I’m a little scared that this is the type of person who is guiding our nation’s youth.

Now that we have met a few of the women, it is time for Farmer Chris to leave Iowa. Chris hops on his motorcycle and arrives in Los Angeles, where he is utterly exhausted after being measured for some new clothes. He confesses that he is not staying in a safe house in an undisclosed location far away from the mansion, but rather he is staying right across the street so he can be closer to the ladies. Good luck with that. Chris showers off the smell of farm living in an outdoor shower (do they not have indoor plumbing in Iowa?) and gets ready to meet the lucky ladies who will fight to the death to win his heart. The smell of desperation in the air can only mean one thing- the first limo has arrived!

Britt is the first one out and greats Farmer Chris with a 28 second big bear hug that is so strenuous that it causes her to pant uncontrollably. She is really really happy to see Chris (it’s as if he has just returned home from war) and slips him a note that says “free hugs.” She tells him to come find her later so she can explain her note. I’m pretty sure “free hugs” is self explanatory Britt.

Whitney is wearing yellow shoes the color of Big Bird and says she wouldn’t be there if he were not The Bachelor. Her voice sounds like a 45 rpm record set to 78. (Wow did I just show my age!)

Kelsey the widow wears her ear length hair in an up do, which in itself is pretty impressive. She is very cute and sweet and is too nice to be there.

Megan is a 24 year old makeup artist who looks like she forgot to brush her hair.

Ashley I. arrives next and thank God for that because no season is complete without at least one Ashley. She is a freelance journalist who has a hard time walking in her dress.

Trina is a 32 year old special ed teacher who is rocking the side pony tail.

Reegan is a 28 year old cadaver tissue saleswoman, which I think might be illegal in most states. She arrives with a piece of dead person in a bio hazard cooler. If Chris wakes up missing a kidney one morning, we will all know who blame. Farmer Chris says the bloody heart in the cooler is “awesome” which really means “ew”.

Tara is a “sports fishing enthusiast” which is this season’s career equivalent of “dog lover.” She arrives in Daisy Dukes and cowboy boots and really wants to emphasize the farm thing. Despite the fact that she says she doesn’t care if the other ladies judge her for not wearing a dress on the first night (which they do), she magically pulls out a black dress and leopard heels, puts her hair up, sneaks back into the limo and reintroduces herself to a confused Chris. Oddly, he remembers her from 3 minutes ago. She is happy Chris got to see the real her. Yee haw!

Amber brought a teddy bear. Nikki is a former NFL cheerleader. Who cares?

Amanda is the next girl out of the limo. She asks the driver to give Farmer Chris a note because she wants to be his secret admirer, like he was for Andi last season. I bet Amanda’s mom wrote this note because I’m sure note writing is something else Amanda doesn’t like to do, like paying bills and housework. Not only is she f***ing crazy, she’s f***ing lazy! After the driver hands Chris the note, Amanda sneaks up and hugs him from behind before she runs into the mansion.

Jillian the she-man flexes and makes Farmer Chris feel her bicep.

Mackenzie is wearing a neon green dress and also didn’t bother to comb her hair. Or wash it.

Ashley S. is the second Ashley of the night and is a hairstylist from Brooklyn who is definitely on the verge of a psychotic breakdown. I’m pretty sure she is hearing voices.

Kaitlyn arrives and is wearing a short, tight red dress. After introducing herself she boldly tells Chris “you can plow the f*** outta my field any day.” She is so confused by Farmer Chris’ silence to that clever and stunning remark that she asks him “You’re not Chris?” Uh, no, he is in fact Chris, he is just speechless because WHO SAYS THAT?? And is she trying to tell him that she needs her field plowed because she hasn’t waxed in a few months? SMH!

Once the 15 ladies are inside, Chris Harrison tells Farmer Chris to get in there and “go get ‘em!” Chris Harrison slaps Farmer Chris across the face for luck like a jewish mother does to her daughter when she gets her first period. Farmer Chris is a little surprised that there are only 15 women, but he is grateful because it is 14 more than he usually dates. Like most men. After Chris toasts the ladies with “I’ve been in you guyses shoes,” Kaitlyn steals the spotlight and tells an off color joke about a walrus, Tupperware and a tight seal. The other 14 women are horrified. Someone please stop her.

While the women happily discuss that there are only 15 of them, Britt takes this opportunity to get the first one on one time with Farmer Chris. Britt explains the note she handed him out of the limo and tells Chris that her free hugs will be a “safe haven” from the storm of the other women, and that she wants to be the shoulder he can cry on. Despite the fact that she currently lives in Hollywood, she tells Chris that she wants to raise her family in a small town, even though she has never been to one. Chris is smitten. Just when it looks like Farmer Chris and Britt are going to ride off into the sunset and we can call this whole season quits, Chris Harrison arrives with the first impression rose. The women discuss the importance of receiving the first impression rose, which then sparks an intelligent conversation between Mackenzie and Kaitlyn about the color of lifejackets.

Meanwhile, back in the live studio audience, Chris Harrison has managed to locate a few women who actually live in Chris’ hometown. If you live in Iowa you must have short hair and wear a tacky black plastic necklace.

Just when we thought nothing could top the conversation about whether lifejackets are red or orange, Whitney tells Farmer Chris that she is a fertility nurse and asks him if he has ever inseminated a pig. Is she comparing the women she helps impregnate with hogs?

After Chris finishes denying that he inseminates farm animals, he goes searching for his secret admirer, only to discover Crazy Eyes Amanda! Her eyes are bugging out so wide that I’m surprised they didn’t fall out of her head and onto his lap. She calls them goo-goo eyes- we just call them crazy!

Just when we are getting to know these 15 ladies, Chris Harrison takes Farmer Chris outside because he has a SURPRISE! There are more limos which means more women! The original 15 are pissed and Chris doesn’t look so happy either because he can barely remember these girls’ names.

The second set of ladies arrive, and they are pretty much mirror images of the first set. We barely get to meet the second set because all we can hear is the first set of women moaning and groaning about the arrival of the second set! And not to be outdone, the second set has some tricks to impress Farmer Chris as well:

Samantha is a pretty girl in a white dress who is told by the first set that she is part of a special surprise limo and isn’t really welcome in the mansion.

Michelle is a wedding cake decorator from Utah.

Juelia spells her name in a very annoying way which keeps screwing up my autocorrect. Unless she changes the spelling of her name to Julia, she is going to have to leave.

Becca is dressed like a blue sparkly disco ball and the first set are really mad because Farmer Chris is “checking her out.”

Tandra arrives on a motorcycle dressed in an evening gown. Impressive.

Alissa is the flight attendant and she brought her own seat belt. Jillian finds that creative. Someone please pass me a barf bag.

Jordan is a student who brings her own bottle of whiskey and does shots with Farmer Chris. This shot is clearly not her first shot of the night. Nor is it her last.

Nicole is a red head with a long neck who arrives wearing a pig nose so she can “ham it up” for Farmer Chris. Ashely I. points out that Farmer Chris doesn’t even have pigs.

Tracy is a cute, bubbly 4th grade teacher who brings a note from one of her students to impress Farmer Chris. She too seems too normal to be there and should go home and marry a nice high school gym teacher.

Brittany is a WWE wrestler who is wearing a very small tablecloth (more like a doily) and is holding a sign that says #soulemate. I would like to see Brittany and Jillian arm wrestle.

Carly is a cruise ship singer who arrives singing into a pink plastic juvenile karaoke machine. As if that wasn’t bad enough, she was wearing a pink Gunne Sax dress from 1983. I have the song “My name is Carly…I’d like to meet cha” still stuck in my head. I will throw myself overboard if I ever see her and her karaoke machine on a cruise ship.

Bo is a 25 year old plus size model who is blah at any size.

Kimberly is a yoga instructor from Long Island and is wearing a tight, short white dress.

Kara is a high school soccer coach from Kentucky who immediately talks about making babies, and not the inseminating kind. She is wearing a very blue, very sparkly, very ugly dress.

Jade is a cosmetics developer from Los Angeles and is the last girl out of the limo.

All 30 women have finally arrived and Chris toasts again, this time to “you guys.” He truly believes that his wife is in the room. Let the games begin and may the odds be ever in your favor Farmer Chris!

The festivities begin with Kaitlyn the unwaxed dirty joke teller, putting on a pair of Lululemon leggings under her dress and teaching Chris to break dance. For some strange reason Farmer Chris is interested in Kaitlyn. He says she has a lot of the qualities he is looking for in a wife. Personally, I would have thought dropping the “f bomb”, talking about her unplowed field, and the walrus having sex with a tight seal joke would make her NON-WIFE material. Go figure.

The night continues. Bo the plus size model gets hungry and eats one of the smaller girls, Michelle admits that she has two kids, Carly tells Farmer Chris that it’s illegal to own an ice cream truck in Iowa, and the women spend the night stealing Farmer Chris away from each other. Just when we start questioning whether there is a sane woman in the room, 21 year old Mackenzie asks Farmer Chris what alfalfa is, and whether it is organic. Jade talks about crying because she couldn’t find a parking space after moving to the big city. I can’t.
Britt and Amber are sitting on the couch trying to figure out who is the “crazy one.” As if on cue, Ashely S. is talking to herself about onions and layers, which we already know about from Shrek. After spending the past few hours listening to the voices in her head telling her to make her move already, Ashely S. demands some one on one time with Chris. She interrupts Kimberly and Farmer Chris and tries to shoo away Kimberly by offering her a lame yellow rose (where did that come from?). Farmer Chris eventually talks to Ashley S., or rather listens to Ashley S. babble about her bucket list and who the hell knows what else, until Megan finally comes in to save poor Chris.

After Ashley S. has bored Chris to death about her bucket list, Ashley S. starts talking to herself about onions again. She insists to the producers that there is a “freaking onion” growing on a tree and she has to pick it despite the producers insistence that it is not an onion, but rather a pomegranate. Sure enough, it IS a pomegranate and Ashley S.’s crazy really comes out as she holds the pomegranate and says “WOW! I feel powerful.” I’m not sure if Ashely S. is drunk or if she is A COMPLETE LUNATIC!

Speaking of drunk, Tara introduces us to her three best friends: Jameson, Johnny Walker and Jack Daniels. And what great friends they are! In fact, she has been pounding Jameson on the rocks all night and can barely stand up straight. She slurs that she wants the first impression rose because “I really care for the kid.” Then she hiccups, curses and burps. Very classy Tara.

After what seems like hours (which it probably was) the first impression rose goes to BRITT, who not only gets the rose, but also gets a big, noisy, slurpy make out session with Farmer Chris. Britt is so happy! You know what this means for Britt, right? Bye Bye Britt! It was nice knowing you. Everyone knows that the first impression rose is the kiss of death!

It’s finally time for the rose ceremony but at this point, Tara and her three friends have spent way too much time together. In fact, Tara is so hammered that she sways, pants, stamps her leopard shoes and does everything she can to avoid puking on the head of the girl in front of her. Poor Tara just needs to lie down for God’s sake- can’t someone just bring her a cot! But, the show must go on and the roses go to:

Kaitlyn
Jade
Samantha
Ashley I.
Tandra
Nikki
Kelsey
Megan
Alissa
Amber
Juelia
Becca
Trina

At this point Farmer Chris steps away to consult with Chris Harrison about what to do about the Tara situation. In his infinite wisdom, Chris Harrison tells him “well, you can keep her or you can send her home.” Boy he was helpful. Farmer Chris goes back out to the podium and gives the remaining roses to:

Mackenzie
Tracey
Tara (who manages to stumble down off the risers and make it to Chris to accept the rose)
Jordan (who is also pretty hammered)
Jillian
Whitney
Carly and
Ashley S. and all the voices in her head.

Amanda cries and complains that the drunk girls got roses. Kara cries and describes herself as a little servant who was willing to do anything. Farmer Chris is pumped and toasts to the roses!

Just when we are thankful that the long 3 hour ordeal of the first episode is over, Kimberly, who did not receive a rose, decides that she just can’t hold her head up and leave with some dignity. Instead, she marches back in, pulls Farmer Chris away from his group of 22 remaining ladies, and wants to talk to him. What does she say?? THAT will have to wait until next week!

Until then rose lovers, see you next time.

 

OBB: On Beyond Bravo

Mariah and Nick call it quits...actually they called it...months ago. Photo Source people.com

Mariah and Nick call it quits…actually they called it…months ago. Photo Source people.com

By Lesley Rousso

Happy Friday! Let’s start this weeks OBB by wishing Christina Aguilera a huge Mazel on the birth of baby girl Summer Rain. According to Us Magazine, Summer was born Saturday to The Voice star and her fiancé Matthew Rutler.

Pat O’Brien, former cohost of Access Hollywood and The Insider has been making the rounds this week, promoting his memoir, I’ll Be Back Right After This. In it, he discusses his alcohol addiction, an elevator ride with Angelina Jolie and his days starring in P. Diddy videos. I think I’ll give it a read, sounds juicy. Stay tuned for a review.

America’s Got Talent host Nick Cannon has confirmed to the NY Daily News that he and Mariah Carey are indeed separated and have been for months. Apparently Mariah was none too happy when Nick went on a radio show in March and revealed that he slept with Kim K back in the day. Nick says his main focus is the couples’ 3-year-old twins Monroe and Morrocan.

Julianne Hough is returning to Dancing With The Stars but not as a dancer. She will join the panel as the fourth judge. Season 19 cast members will be revealed September 4th on Good Morning America.

A very Happy 60th birthday to our favorite weather man, Mr. Al Roker! Did you get to keep the Stay-puff marshmallow man? I’ll be seeing you on The Plaza in September for a selfie! Congrats to The Today Show‘s Jenna Wolfe and partner Stephanie Gosk who announced they are expecting baby number two.

I’m ending with my favorite Howard Stern item of the week. Zac Efron has nominated Eric the Actor for the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. Ashley Tisdale posted the video of herself and Zac on IG getting doused with ice. Zac nominated Robert Pattinson, Matthew McConaughey and yes, Eric the Actor. No word on whether or not he’s accepted the challenge, but I’m sure he’s bitching about it to whoever will listen. Stay tuned…