The Bachelor: Season 19 Finale/After The Final Rose

Screen Shot 2015-03-12 at 9.31.38 PMBy Denise Weiss
It’s been a long, boring season rose lovers. Over the past 10 weeks we have endured crying, drama, panic attacks and onions. There were two widows, two virgins, a stripper and a woman with tarantulas for eyelashes. And then, there was our Bachelor, Farmer Chris. A man who managed to kiss all the girls despite his large arm pit sweat stains and no upper lip. All I can say is that the real winner of tonight’s final rose will be the girl who doesn’t have to live in Arlington, Iowa.
The episode starts with Farmer Chris walking across his snow covered field in skinny jeans and loafers while he ponders whether to marry Whitney or Becca. He says he is falling in love with both, which everyone knows is the best way to start a marriage. Whitney is genuine and smart and tells him she loves him. Becca on the other hand doesn’t tell him that she loves him, but eh, he could still go either way. What to do, what to do? Looks like now is the time to do some Soules searching with the family.
Farmer Chris pulls up in his Chevy Silverado and his family runs out to greet him. His mother has never heard of lipstick or hair dye and is in desperate need of a makeover. His sisters could also use a little sprucing up.
Whitney arrives in Arlington and the limo drops her 50 feet away from Farmer Chris so we can watch her run through the snow covered fields in heels. Speaking of heels, what in the hell is Whitney wearing? She admits that being in Arlington makes her feel like the happiest girl in the world but “gosh darn it” she is nervous. Good thing you wore your best flannel.
Whitney barges into the house as if she owns the place and greets Farmer Chris’ family like she has known them all her life. Within minutes of her arrival, she tells the family her entire life story. She talks incessantly the entire visit and somehow her voice never gets hoarse. She repeats these five points:
  1. she loves Farmer Chris;
  2. she wants to marry Farmer Chris;
  3. she wants to have lots of babies with Farmer Chris;
  4. she wants to move to Arlington;
  5. she wants to be a farmer’s wife.
Not one person in the Soules family thinks this is strange, desperate or pathetic.
As they sit down to dinner, Whitney is so amped up with happiness that she launches into a non-stop rambling toast in her helium sucking voice. She starts out by saying that she doesn’t have parents and can’t wait to call Farmer Chris’ parents “Mom and Dad.” She then reminds everyone that she wants to marry Farmer Chris and have babies. She cries. Papa Soules cries. I cry and wonder why no one else finds Whitney’s level of desperation alarming.
After dinner, Whitney wins over the sisters by telling them that she wants to marry Farmer Chris and move to Arlington to have babies. To hell with my career, she says, “I can be a nurse anywhere.”  Um, anywhere except ARLINGTON where you can’t even get a cup of coffee or a box of tampons (which she apparently won’t need because she plans on being knocked up for the rest of her life).
Farmer Chris sits with his sisters and they are genuinely impressed with Whitney’s desire to throw her entire life away and move to Arlington (a place where they no longer live BTW). These are the same sisters who used their best judgement and picked a stripper for a Cinderella date.
Ah, if only things were so clear for Farmer Chris. He assures his sisters that he has no “reservations” about Whitney, but admits that he has “the kind of chemistry that’s hard to find” with Becca. We all know that is code for “the kind of chemistry I don’t have with Whitney.”  He tells them that Becca is “athletic and grounded and cool” and hey wait a minute, when did this conversation turn into “the many attributes of Becca?”  Isn’t he supposed to be talking about how wonderful Whitney is and how much he loves her? One sister reminds him that he is looking for a wife, not a girlfriend, and that Whitney loves him so he should pick her. They point out that his inability to articulate his feelings for Becca is a red flag. If that’s the case, then this whole season has been on huge, red flag because Farmer Chris can’t articulate his way out of a wet paper bag.
Momma Soules is up next and she practically sits in Whitney’s lap and asks “Why do you think you are in love with my son.”  Once again, Whitney professes her deep love for Farmer Chris, tells Momma that she has raised a wonderful man and that she can’t wait to call her Mom. What a suck up. Momma is so freaking excited and says they would be “dog gone lucky” to have Whitney in their family. Whitney is confident that she will be the next Mrs. Soules. Whitney girl, you better take a good look at Momma Soules because that’s pretty much what you are going to look like in 30 years.
Farmer Chris kisses Whitney goodbye and sends her off so he can spend some time with the men folk out in the tool shed. They talk about Becca. Brother-in-law Jason astutely points out that Becca is the hot girl at the bar that no one can talk to and that Farmer Chris wants because she is hard to get. Thanks for the insight Jason.
Before the Soules family can put the stamps on the wedding invitations, they have to meet the woman Farmer Chris really loves. Becca arrives with windblown hair, a denim shirt, a black bra and a tray of cookies. The family looks at her suspiciously but eventually warm up to her, and even laugh as Becca talks about “downtown Arlington” (is there such thing)?
When laugh time is over Becca meets with the sisters. She is honest with them about her lack of feelings for their brother and tells them that Whitney really loves him. She tells them that she will not pick up and move until she is 100% sure that she is in love. In other words, she describes a healthy, normal relationship. The sisters call her “another California girl” and are not impressed, so they continue painting Whitney’s name on the mailbox.
Momma Soules takes Becca to the “serious talk alcove” and doesn’t waste any time asking her if she will move to Arlington. Again, Becca answers honestly and says that although she has feelings for Farmer Chris, she is not exactly sure what her feelings mean. Momma Soules creepily runs her hand through Becca’s hair and assures her that what she feels towards her son is in fact love. Becca is so freaked out by Momma’s large man hands on her face that she says something along the lines of “You know, Whitney really, really wants to get married and move to Arlington.” Momma wants Becca to commit to marrying her son, but Becca stands her ground and says  “What if I’m willing to commit to relationship?”  Momma is not happy with that response and tells Becca that she has to take a chance. Becca cries not because she is in love, but because Momma Soules is very pushy.
Becca leaves and Papa Soules sums up the whole thing in one sentence – “Whitney is a sure thing but Becca is the one he wants.” How does that make you feel Whitney?
Last Dates
Farmer Chris heads to Becca’s hotel room to ask some hard hitting questions and give her one last chance at committing to a horrible, boring, lonely life with him in Arlington. He questions her feelings for him and she replies “I don’t know.”  He asks her how she feels about moving to Arlington. She says “I don’t think so.” He asks when she will be ready to move to Arlington. She says “I don’t know.” He asks when do you want to get married and have kids. Her response? You guessed it – “I don’t know.”
Farmer Chris gets frustrated but doesn’t give up. “Why don’t you feel like you are in love with me” he asks. “Because I don’t even know you” would have been the appropriate response, but instead she tells him there are unknown steps that she has to take. Seriously Farmer Chris, get yourself a copy of “She’s Just Not That Into You” and read it on the plane.
After 30 minutes of Farmer Chris not finishing a sentence and Becca not answering one, she finally commits to “I want to date you but not marry you right now.”  He hugs her and cries. He doesn’t finish his sentence. He sighs and sniffles and cries and rubs his eyes. Sigh.
“Oh well” Farmer Chris thinks to himself, “there’s always what’s her name.”
The next day Farmer Chris stands in the field and waves like a goober as Whitney arrives for their date. She greets him with the obligatory jump leg wrap straddle.
Farmer Chris shows her around his farm and she is excited when she finds out they are going to spend the day harvesting corn. Papa Soules comes out of the combine to greet Whitney. She does not perform the jump leg wrap straddle on him.
Whitney asks a lot of questions about harvesting corn to which the answers are: the machine picks the corn and puts it in the back of the truck. She spends the day counting her acres, thinking about her future children, and mentally redecorating the house. She talks non-stop about how much she loves him and wants to get married and have babies. She does not know how to stop talking. How long before Farmer Chris runs Whitney over with the combine just to get her to shut up?
Later that night he visits her hotel room and she talks and talks and talks for a change. She again tells him how much she loves him, just in case he forgot. He says the words all women long to hear, “I reciprocate your feelings.”  She pulls him in for a kiss and he kisses her with his eyes open. That is not a good sign.
Farmer Chris meets with Neil Lane and picks out rings despite not knowing who he wants to marry. He arrives at the barn where he raised his first pig and can’t wait to propose to his future wife there because nothing says love like raising livestock. But even as the limos arrive, he is unsure because he can see a future with both of them, and knows he will be “devastated” either way.
The first limo arrives and who is it, who is it, who is it???  The door opens and out comes BECCA in a beautiful deep red velvet dress. She climbs to the loft where Farmer Chris is waiting. He holds her hands and tells her that he never had doubts about them having a life together and he could see her as his wife. Farmer Chris then lets out a big sigh and adds “but you’re not really ready.” He goes on to tell her “I have to go with my heart and my gut. I’m so thankful (tears start flowing) and you will make someone happy one day, but I’m not the guy who can give you what you need.” Is it me or did Becca look extremely relieved? She gives him a hug, says, “See ya” and gets in the limo and the hell out of Dodge.
Now for the moment we have all been waiting for. Whitney arrives in a long, navy gown and manages to navigate the steps up the loft without stepping in manure. When she arrives at the top, her mouth takes over and she talks, talks, talks. Even though she is about to hyperventilate (someone pass a paper bag please) she manages to squeak out one more speech about how much she loves him and how she can’t wait to move to Arlington and have babies. Farmer Chris tells her that he loves her too, gets on one knee, pulls out ring and asks Whitney to marry him. Of course she says YES and they celebrate by sitting in the loft window and lovingly looking at corn. Holy Cow!
Some notable moments from After the Final Rose:
  1. When asked by Chris Harrison if he regretted not choosing Becca, Farmer Chris said he is “excited” about his choice and is not looking back. I think he and Whitney should put that on their engagement announcements.
  2. Becca does not seem too broken up AT ALL about being sent home. I am fairly confident that we will never see Becca again.
  3. When asked what he loves about Whitney, Farmer Chris responded “She reminds me of my sisters.”
  4. Whitney admits that she has not watched footage from the show other than her dates with Farmer Chris. This explains why she is still engaged to a man who clearly loved another woman.
  5. Momma and Papa Soules joined Farmer Chris and Whitney shortly after the proposal and start talking about grandchildren. Whitney was ready to jump in the nearest hay bale and get things started.
  6. Ashley Onion agreed to be on Bachelor in Paradise. At least I think she did.
  7. Jimmy Kimmel pretty much tells Whitney that she was second choice, but he brought them a cow named Juan Pablo as an engagement gift.
  8. Chris Harrison announces that Bachelor Nation had a hard time choosing between Britt and Kaitlyn (the audience’s reaction was clearly pro Kaitlyn) and for the first time in Bachelorette history there will be 2 Bachelorettes. The MEN will choose which woman will remain after the first night. Great idea to let men choose a show that is watched primarily by women.
  9. Britt hams it up a bit, but Kaitlyn is less than happy about sharing the Bachelorette spotlight with Britt. Neither am I.
Well rose lovers, our journey has come to an end. I would like to say that if Britt is chosen as the next Bachelorette, I will not watch this show anymore. I would like to say that, but I would be lying. Of course I am going to watch regardless of who is chosen, because no one can turn away from this train wreck.

The Bachelor: Season 19 Fantasy Suites

Chris and the Virgin Becca. Photo: Terri Eddington/ABC

Chris and the Virgin Becca.
Photo: Terri Eddington/ABC

by Denise Weiss

Here is my recap of last week’s 5 hour Bachelor marathon – Arlington sucks and nobody wants to live there.
Hello and welcome to Fantasy Suite week! We are at the point in our journey where Farmer Chris will have sex with as many girls as possible before dumping one of them. The question on everyone’s mind is whether Whitney, Becca and/or Kaitlyn will forgo their individual rooms and sleep with a man they barely know, yet have fallen desperately in love with, in an attempt to win a lifetime in a town with a population of 500 (cows included).
We welcome Farmer Chris and the wanna-be Farmerettes to Denpasar, Bali, home of beautiful beaches, majestic temples and wrinkly old villagers. Bali is the perfect place to fall in love, and Farmer Chris is looking forward to taking Whitney, Becca, and Kaitlyn out for an intimacy test ride, wink wink. Farmer Chris stares pensively across the ocean and says he can see himself marrying all three of the remaining women. Sorry Farmer Chris, but this isn’t Sister Wives and you can only have one so let’s get this shit show on the road.
The first date goes to Kaitlyn who runs to Farmer Chris, jumps on him and wraps her legs around his waist. She is wearing pink denim undies and her jump/straddle move offends the local culture. Where is the black box of shame when you really need it?
After Kaitlyn tucks her ass back into her shorts, they head to a temple that requires them to don sarongs before they can enter. They are not allowed to kiss in the temple so they walk around with baskets on their heads to pass the time. Kaitlyn says it was romantic and outside her comfort zone. Speaking of comfort zone, Kaitlyn’s hair looks like it has stepped out of its comfort zone and into the stringy, frizzy, droopy zone.
They walk around town and talk to the locals. Farmer Chris introduces Kaitlyn as his girlfriend. The locals don’t care but are surely offended by Kaitlyn’s pink undies camel toe. Suddenly, the street is full of monkeys. Farmer Chris thinks he is the “monkey whisperer” and tries to talk to one of the monkeys. The monkey hisses at him. Smart monkey.
Farmer Chris and Kaitlyn wander into a monkey jungle where Farmer Chris holds bananas on his head and monkeys climb all over him. Kaitlyn tells him one of them peed on him but he says, “No problem, just a little pee-pee.” The monkey pee-pee is no problem for Farmer Chris who is used to having animals pee and defecate on him. His biggest problem, however, are that his armpit sweat stains are so big that they are soaking his shirt down the entire length of his arms. Whose idea was it to wear a long sleeve shirt in Indonesia anyway?
Kaitlyn compares falling in love to being a monkey going after a banana. They sit on a bench and sweat and kiss. Kaitlyn tells Farmer Chris that she is afraid she has been too guarded around him. Guarded?  This is the girl who asked Farmer Chris to plow her field and jumped in a lake half naked.
Later that night, Farmer Chris and Kaitlyn have dinner and a boring conversation. I’m not really sure what the talked about because all I could focus on was Kaitlyn’s sweaty forehead and drooping, lifeless hair. Kaitlyn is sweating like a whore in church and I wonder why someone doesn’t bring over an oscillating fan?
Farmer Chris tells Kaitlyn that he has a surprise for her in his pants, and he pulls out the “forgo your individual room and stay together as a couple in the fantasy suite” card. Suddenly, Kaitlyn’s guard is down and she can’t imagine saying no to that offer. Farmer Chris is thinking, “Oh boy oh boy I’m gonna have sex” and agrees that they deserve to spend the night together. Please Farmer Chris, don’t act like you spent the day in Bali on a human rights mission – you walked the streets drinking beer and playing with monkeys. You don’t deserve anything other than the free trip to Bali.
They arrive at the fantasy suite which is full of everything they need, including a useless tub filled with rose petals. It is so romantic that Kaitlyn tells Farmer Chris that she is completely falling in love with him. Farmer Chris tells her that he is falling in love with her too. WHAT? Wait a minute! Isn’t that against the rules?? Oh wait, I forgot, there are no rules this season.
OK, really, there has to be another fantasy suite with air conditioning somewhere in Bali. At a minimum, maybe the intern who filled the tub with rose petals can get Kaitlyn one of those spray bottle/fan things.  Or a brush and pony tail holder. Despite the heat and humidity and sweat dripping off both of them, Farmer Chris draws the shades. Game on.
Whitney is up next, and she too mounts Farmer Chris with the “jump, straddle legs around his waist in my short shorts” move. If Whitney ends up marrying Farmer Chris, is she going to do that every time he comes in from milking the cows? Maybe I should try that tonight when my husband walks in the door. (Note to self – call ambulance and have them on standby to take Michael to the hospital tonight after I land on him and break all his ribs attempting the jump, leg straddle move) Whitney has more keratin than Kaitlyn so her hair looks pretty good, but she is sporting an orange spray tan and looks like an Oompa Loompa with bright pink lipstick.
Their date is a chartered ship through the Indian Ocean with a captain who rams into the dock on the way out of the port. Once again, Farmer Chris has chosen to wear long sleeves. They sail and drink wine. Farmer Chris sweats.
Whitney is worried that her sister has ruined her chances for lifelong happiness with Farmer Chris. She drinks her wine and whines about her sister in a voice that is higher and more annoying than usual. She tells Farmer Chris that her sister is an irritating attorney who took care of her all her life. She rambles on and on and on, and her voice gets higher and higher and higher. Farmer Chris throws in an obligatory “yeah, uh huh, hmmmm” every so often, but mostly looks bored and sweaty. Eventually Whitney stops talking and Farmer Chris says, “I respect your sister’s opinion.” He is such a conversationalist.
After Whitney lays across Farmer Chris’ sweaty chest for a little while, he suggests they “take the plunge.” They strip down to bathing suits, jump in the water, and quickly return to their positions on the deck. This gives the cameraman an opportunity to get shots of Whitney’s crotch. The captain gives his thumbs up to their relationship and Whitney reaffirms that she is going to marry Farmer Chris.
Later that night, Farmer Chris gets straight to the point about how horrible and lonely it is to live in Arlington. He is worried about Whitney giving up the job she loves, and tries to tell her how unhappy she will be if she moves there. Whitney responds in her whiney baby voice that even though she worked hard for her career and loves her job, what she wants most in this world is to move to Arlington and start pumping out mini farmers. What I want most in this world is for someone to give Whitney a bobby pin for the stray piece of hair that keeps sticking to her face. Whitney pushes the hair aside and boldly states that she is not afraid to move to God forsaken Arlington because “it’s not where you are it’s who you are with.” You say that now Whitney, but just wait until you are actually living in Arlington with Farmer Chris, 12 children, 18 cows and not a bar or liquor store for 2 hours in any direction. Farmer Chris responds by sweating profusely. Whitney is so desperate to get married and have babies that she seems to have forgotten that there are single men living in metropolitan areas. Seriously Whitney, you don’t have to be so desperate.
With that, Farmer Chris pulls out the infamous “forgo card” and Whitney is ready to climb on his back faster than a monkey looking for a banana. Farmer Chris is happy to oblige and hopes the night in the fantasy suite will make their relationship “deeper and stronger.” His words, not mine.
By now, Farmer Chris is sweating like a pig and I really don’t understand why ABC couldn’t find a hotel with air conditioning. I also don’t understand what Whitney sees in Farmer Chris that would make her move to a town where she can’t meet a friend for lunch or get a pedicure. Even marrying Bradley Cooper wouldn’t be enough to get me to move to Arlington.

 They walk in the fantasy suite and Whitney tells it to shut up, which we learned last week is her favorite expression. Farmer Chris sweats some more and closes the curtains. Game on.

Becca gets the last date and although she is falling in love, she is very nervous about the fantasy suite/virgin thing. She does not greet him with the jump, straddle, leg wrap around the waist move, but instead gives him a big hug. In this heat and humidity, she will soon regret wearing black shorts made out of garbage bags on her date.
They walk around for a while and make out in a field of weeds while a Bali farmer feeds chickens next to them. Farmer Chris talks about farming. They drink from fruit, high five village children and Becca’s hair is under control.
After walking across a rickety bridge and boring her to death with talk of irrigation, Farmer Chris takes Becca to meet the friendly village psychic and find out about their future together. After affirming that they are a “good couple” and will make “good parents” the creepy psychic’s next piece of advice is that they “make love” on their date. Farmer Chris likes that answer and giggles like a pre-teen boy; Becca doesn’t care for that answer at all. This date sucks.
Later that night, Becca is still worried about the fantasy suite/virgin thing and Farmer Chris is still worried about how shitty it is to live in Arlington. They talk a lot yet say nothing. They are the world’s most boring couple and neither of them can formulate a thought or complete a sentence. Becca thinks she might be falling in love because she never felt this way before, but before she moves to Arlington she needs to be 100% sure. Farmer Chris tells her that he is falling in love with her and wants to spend the rest of his life with her. THAT IS A CLEAR RULE VIOLATION!  They kiss and Farmer Chris says, “It is time to get to know each other on a whole different level.”  He hands her the forgo card and Becca looks around for an active volcano to throw herself into. She realizes now is the time to tell him, but starts second guessing her decision to remain a virgin until marriage. Seriously Becca, you have been saving yourself for marriage for all these years but now you are thinking of giving it up for some guy you met on a TV show who just spent the past 2 nights screwing 2 other girls. Puh-lease Becca, get a grip.
Farmer Chris tires of sitting at the dinner table so he leads Becca into the fantasy suite and pours her some champagne. They walk around the suite and Farmer Chris talks about how much he is looking forward to being intimate with her. Little does he know.
Finally, just as Farmer Chris is about to drop his pants and put on a condom, Becca says “So….I have to tell you something…(long pause, useless chatter, blah blah)…I am a virgin.” Farmer Chris is silent but his eyebrows are saying, “Are you fucking kidding me!” He lets out a big SIGH and once the blood has returned to his brain he says “I’m glad…that you…and I…(SIGH) never easy to respond to that stuff…doesn’t…ummm…but i respect that… in a lot of ways… and I would be lying…if I said that doesn’t…it…it surprises me…and uhhh…I think that says a lot about who you are…and …that’s the honest to God truth…and I’m more interested in figuring out if this is going to work.” What Farmer Chris is trying to say is “Does that mean a blow job is out of the question?”
Becca is relieved and so happy with his response, which she thinks was perfect. Becca clearly doesn’t know how to read between the lines or Farmer Chris’ eyebrows. They kiss and Farmer Chris pulls the curtains closed. Game off.
The next day Becca walks on the beach and Farmer Chris is confused about who to send home. He explains that the difference between the girls is that Kaitlyn and Whitney have told him that they love him, and more importantly, are willing to move to Arlington, whereas Becca will not commit to either. Who are you kidding Farmer Chris? The difference is that Kaitlyn and Whitney did the deed and Becca gave you blue balls. He really wants all 3 girls to meet his family and he chokes back tears as he thinks about sending one of them home. His emotions eventually get the best of him and Farmer Chris cries. It’s all so emotional – please pass the tissues.
In the nick of time, Chris Harrison (who has fallen asleep on the beach with his sunglasses on) arrives and offers no advice.
Rose Ceremony
Farmer Chris arrives at yet a third temple for the rose ceremony and is told that there will be nothing more than hand holding on these sacred grounds. Let’s just forget that we are here because you spent the last 3 nights with 3 different women and you are about to dump one of them; just please respect this holy place. Farmer Chris, Chris Harrison and the girls are dressed in traditional Indonesian outfits, and Farmer Chris looks like a cross between Aladdin, the Karate Kid and the Stay-Puff Marshmallow guy. The girls are dressed in neon and strike matching geisha poses. Whitney’s eyelashes are clumped together and Becca’s hair looks like a rat’s nest.
Farmer Chris stands next to the two roses, looks at the three girls and SIGHS. Twenty minutes later he asks Becca to join him for a minute outside the temple. He takes her up a flight of stairs, sits next to her and attempts to catch his breath after the strenuous trip up the stairs. They talk and spend a lot of time trying go convince themselves that they are good for each other. Becca practically begs him to keep her around and I wonder if Farmer Chris is as distracted as I am by her eyelashes which have grown significantly since the night before. He tells her he really cares about her, and SIGHS, but I have no idea what he is trying to say because he never actually finishes a sentence.
Meanwhile, back in the hallowed grounds of the temple, Whitney and Kaitlyn are confident that Becca is going home and they are as happy as Pharrell. Hey ladies – gossiping in the temple is a  no-no! Looks like Kaitlyn counted her chickens too soon because shortly after the girls finish their “bye-bye Becca happy dance” Farmer Chris returns with Becca in tow.
Farmer Chris tells Whitney and Kaitlyn that he had to collect his thoughts, but he’s finally ready to make his decision. He SIGHS. He SIGHS again. The first rose goes to WHITNEY. He SIGHS. The second and final rose goes to BECCA.
Farmer Chris walks Kaitlyn outside the temple and she can’t even look at him. “What happened” she asks? He SIGHS again. Then he tries to talk but doesn’t finish his sentence for a change. He mumbles and whispers “I’m so sorry” (SIGH) “this is hard” (SIGH) “sometimes things don’t make sense” (SIGH), and mid confession, a rooster crows (talk about a cock block). He SIGHS.
He walks her to the waiting minivan for rejects and (SIGH) Kaitlyn cries (SIGH). He awkwardly holds her head against his sweaty chest for a minute and then releases his grip and opens the minivan door (SIGH). Once Kaitlyn is safely buckled in the back seat, she sort of cries. She says this is the most humiliating moment of her whole freaking life, and that she is really, really confused. She wipes her nose with the back of her hand and her fingers and checks for snot. Farmer Chris walks away and SIGHS. He paces outside the temple and SIGHS. He walks around in circles and SIGHS. He wipes away in tears and the rooster SIGHS. I mean crows. Farmer Chris sits on the steps of the temple and SIGHS.
Kaitlyn gets my vote for The Bachelorette.
Next week The Women Tell All and the return of Ashley Onion!

The Bachelor: Season 19 Episode 6

There's a Farmer Chris in the bucket, dear Liza. photo: abc via

There’s a Farmer Chris in the bucket, dear Liza.
photo: abc via

By Denise Weiss


In case you forgot last week’s most dramatic non-rose ceremony ever, here is a recap before my recap:
There are 11 girls left. The girls are mad. The girls are sad. The girls cry. Kelsey exploits her dead husband. Farmer Chris is an emotional wreck and cancels the cocktail party. Kelsey has a panic attack. Farmer Chris has underarm sweat stains and no personality. There, you are all caught up.
We pick up where we left off with the girls and their sombreros drinking margaritas on the beaches of New Mexico. Kelsey is still crying on the cold tile floor. The other girls sit on a couch in the lobby. They hear Kelsey’s gasping, heart wrenching cries, but stay seated on the couch because they don’t give a flying fuck. Jade actually steps over Kelsey on her way back from the bathroom.
The purple gloved EMT holds a useless oxygen mask to Kelsey’s face, but what Kelsey really needs are some brownies and time with Farmer Chris. Miracles do happen and suddenly Kelsey is sitting up, laughing, and inviting the EMT out for drinks and brownies. Farmer Chris arrives and sits on the cold tile floor with Kelsey, who blames him for her panic attack. He apologizes because he is a wuss. She gives him the “poor me, doe-eyed” gaze and they share a romantic moment on the floor outside the bathroom in front of the water fountain. The girls react with venomous stares and tears. Ashley Eyelashes has completely disappeared, and Crylashes is all that remains.
Kelsey returns to the couch wrapped in a fur blanket and laughs about her experience. She even complains that she got all dressed up for nothing, pointing out that she brought her breasts with her for the occasion (I believe she called them “puppies” UGH). Carly calls bullshit on Kelsey’s panic attack, but Kelsey is happy and believes she is the woman Farmer Chris is going to marry. Nothing sets the tone for a solid marriage like game play, manipulation and a good panic attack.
Carly, Britt and Whitney already have roses, and the remaining roses go to:
Crylashes and
Poor Teen Mom Mackenzie says she will never get over it, and Farmer Chris proves he already has, when he doesn’t even give her a glance as she heads out the door. At least she can go home and tell her son Kale all about alfalfa. The other women are upset that Kelsey’s dead husband story worked and that she got a rose. They are particularly upset because Samantha also has a sob story but didn’t get to tell it. Forget the sob story ladies, Samantha didn’t even get to say “Hello”. Kaitlyn wants to punch Kelsey in the teeth holder. Carly calls Kelsey “the black widow.” Kelsey reminds me of Casey Anthony and that is NOT a good thing.
Everyone heads back to their rooms where they pack for the next leg of their journey. We watch Farmer Chris get dressed and are relieved when he puts his shirt on and covers his big gut. We are heading back to the United States to the beautiful, romantic, highly sought after destination of Deadwood, South Dakota, which everyone knows is the perfect place to fall in love or get shot in the back. Farmer Chris describes Deadwood as “bad ass” and to prove it he takes naked pictures is a metal tub because he is a tough guy in the Wild West.
The girls arrive and are told there will be a one-on-one date, a group date, and drumroll please, the dreaded two-on-one date. The girls woo hoo and shout “Hello Deadwood” from their balcony. Deadwood does not answer, and the albino cat who lives across the street looks really annoyed.
Britt stands on the hotel balcony in a bra and sweatpants and talks to Kelsey about the upcoming one-on-one date. Kelsey is determined to get this date because she worked hard and earned it, starting with the murder of her husband two years ago.
The date card arrives and asks Becca “Let’s Give Love a Shot.” Kelsey pouts so much that she pulls a muscle in her face. She immediately starts planning her fake aneurysm.
Farmer Chris walks through the fields of South Dakota and thinks about his upcoming date with  Becca, who is the only girl he hasn’t kissed. The date is horseback riding. That’s it. I got nothing else.
Back at the hotel, Carly, Whitney and Kaitlyn are holding a meeting of the “We Hate Kelsey Club” of which Carly is the President. They trash talk until Kelsey walks in and sits down right in between Carly and Vice President Kaitlyn. Whitney the Treasurer calls Kelsey out about her awkward laughing during the rose ceremony. In a shocking turn of events, Kelsey plays the victim and starts to cry. She blames her rose ceremony laughter on being nervous and confused, and, of course, having a dead husband. Carly tells Kelsey that she is not a nice girl and that no one appreciates her sly comments. Kelsey is shocked because she has so much respect and admiration for the girls, and never intended to insult anyone. She then clarifies to the camera that the girls misunderstand her because she is smart and has eloquence and uses big words. Here are some big words for you Kelsey: psychopath, sociopath, narcissistic, homicidal maniac – do any of those sound familiar? Kelsey then reminds us that her husband is dead, and says “I am not going to lose a husband and be ganged up on by these girls.” Dang! You tell em Kelsey! So basically Kelsey apologizes for being better than everyone else, and screw them. Hopefully the Superintendent of her school district is watching. Kelsey is yet another reason why it is beneficial to homeschool your children.
Back on Becca’s date (yawn), it is nighttime and they sit by a fire and cook shish-ka-bobs. Becca makes Farmer Chris giggle his girly dolphin laugh, which makes her laugh at him, not with him. He asks her where she sees herself in 5 years, and she says she wants kids. He says he wants 4-6 kids. They should get married and become The Duggars. She feels chemistry and he gives her butterflies. Becca hasn’t kissed Farmer Chris yet because she is a virgin and doesn’t want her dad to see her kiss anyone. He offers her the rose, she accepts and they kiss. Sorry you had to see that Becca’s dad. So much for being the last holdout of the Tongue Bandit, but at least the boring date is over. They are perfect for each other.
Back at the hotel, the next date card arrives and invites Whitney, Jade, Britt, Kaitlyn, Carly and Megan on a group date called “Let’s Make Sweet Music.” We now know that Kelsey and Crylashes will go on the dreaded two-on-one. Crylashes says she is going to kick some Kelsey ass. Kelsey laughs her evil laugh. Let the games begin!
Farmer Chris gathers his girlfriends and they arrive at the Old Style Saloon where they will be writing and singing country songs. Megan is happy because she is from Nashville, and knows country music even though she is not quite sure where she is at that moment. Carly the cruise ship singer is also in her element, but still hasn’t asked anyone for help with her eyebrows. Jade on the other hand, is not so much in her element. Don’t fret Jade, because Big & Rich are here to help! I guess they are a big deal, but being from New York and hating country music, I have no idea who they are. To me they are just 2 strange guys in hats who sing a song about riding a cowboy. They must be a big deal, however, because Whitney practically wets herself when she sees them.
Upon noticing that Jade is struggling (i.e., sitting alone) Big or Rich (don’t know, don’t care) slithers up to her table, grabs her hand and drags her out of the bar and into the street. They run up Main Street USA while Big or Rich yells something unintelligible in an attempt to get Jade’s creative juices flowing. Jade does an impressive job keeping up with him in heels.
Jade comes back with a new-found confidence and sits down to write her song, only to look up and see Farmer Chris and Britt making out at the bar. Jade says it’s hard to write a love song when your man is so into someone else. Come on girl, even I know that this is the stuff country songs are made of! Jade, that is your #1 song right there – just ask Taylor Swift.
Eventually, the songs are written and Chris offers to be the first to share his little ditty. He is an awful singer but impresses us with his attempts to rhyme “prairie” with “marry” and “searching for my wife my whole damn life.” Britt goes next and sings about sweet music. Farmer Chris loves it and can hardly keep from “bawling” (his word, not mine). Whitney’s singing voice is worse than her speaking voice as if that were possible, and Kaitlyn curses and sings about whiskey, which makes her my favorite. Megan isn’t worth mentioning because I can’t even remember anything about her other than her silver headband which is cutting off the oxygen to her brain.
Carly uses her turn to drag Farmer Chris up on stage and sing directly into his face while she keeps the beat by tapping on her knee. Jade goes last and is God awful. When all is said and done, they celebrate by square dancing around the bar.
Later that night, the ladies gather in the same bar, in the same clothes, for the night time portion of their date. Farmer Chris lies and says it was one of the best days of his life. He takes Jade off for a little one on one time and she tells him she has feelings for him and can see herself living with him in Iowa. Farmer Chris seems ambivalent about Jade’s declaration (look Kelsey, I used two big words in one sentence) but is happy because Iowa is the perfect place for a cosmetics developer. Kaitlyn spends some time with Farmer Chris at the bar and talks about chemistry and soulmates, which reassures her. The girls discuss the noticeable absence of the group date rose.
While the ladies are pondering the missing group date rose, Farmer Chris and Britt are off in a corner making goo-goo eyes at each other. Suddenly, Farmer Chris pulls Britt out of the bar and drags up the street to sneak off for a little tryst. Don’t worry about this Farmer Chris, it certainly won’t make the other women who are sitting at the Old Style Saloon feel like idiots or anything. I mean, have you ever met a woman before? They generally don’t like it when you sneak off with another woman.
They run and giggle and quickly arrive at the Big & Rich concert up the street. I still don’t know who they are, but Britt does. She says “I know these guys, from earlier today.” Yes Britt, those are the same 2 guys you met a few hours ago. They spend the entire concert making out in the crowd. When the concert ends, they go up on stage, hug Big & Rich, and Britt is thrilled to share her virgin country music experience with Farmer Chris. Why is there so much virgin talk this season? Farmer Chris offers Britt the rose on stage. She screams yes, the crowd cheers, they kiss and they dance. Well, at least Britt dances; Farmer Chris just sort of grinds his hips and looks like a big doofus.
The girls are sitting at the bar when Farmer Chris and a rose toting Britt walk back in holding hands.  Farmer Chris gives a speech about how hard this process is getting, and how he gave Britt the rose in private. Then he does what any respectable guy in his position would do; he hightails it out of there speedy quick and leaves Britt to fend for herself. That Farmer Chris really is a stand up guy.
The girls are stunned! Carly cries. Britt apologizes. Whitney gives Britt the stink eye. Kaitlyn also cries and says she is humiliated. Britt wishes there wasn’t tension between the women, and tells the girls they have to blame Farmer Chris too. Carly feels invisible again. Kaitlyn runs to the ladies room and cries loudly enough for everyone to hear. I think the reason the show hasn’t travelled to places other than New Mexico and South Dakota is that ABC is spending their entire budget on therapy for these women. Let me give you some advice ladies, any man who makes you sit for an hour while he sneaks off on a date with another woman is not worth waiting for. Find some dignity and go home.
Back at the hotel the two-on-one date card arrives, and reads “Two girls, one rose. One stays one goes. Lets have good times in the Badlands.” Kelsey is so excited that they are heading to the Badlands because that is where she buried her dead husband. Crylashes doesn’t know where or what the Badlands are, but her eyelashes are thick and long and are ready for anything.
Before Crylashes and Kelsey leave for their date, they pack their suitcases and leave them by the door because the loser of this installment of the Hunger Games gets sent home immediately.
Crylashes refers to herself as Glinda the Good Witch and is ready to take out The Widowed Witch of the West. The threesome hop in a helicopter and fly over Mt. Rushmore. Kelsey proves she failed 3rd grade by incorrectly naming the presidents, while Crylashes sulks and rolls her eyes. The helicopter lands next to a lonely looking canopy bed set up on some carpet remnants. They toast and quickly run out of things to say, so they sit in awkward silence and drink chardonnay.
Crylashes and Farmer Chris head off for some alone time which gives Kelsey an opportunity to visit the body of her dead husband. Crylashes sucks Farmer Chris’s face off again while they sit on a towel on the side of a mountain. Their time together has all the romance of a fart. Farmer Chris asks Crylashes how she is holding up with the other girls (as if he cares) and she tells him there is drama, that she doesn’t gel with Kelsey and that all the other girls think Kelsey is fake. Crylashes thinks that she is doing Farmer Chris a favor, but c’mon, everyone knows that you NEVER talk shit about the other girls directly to The Bachelor. Crylashes, have you not seen this show before? Not realizing her fatal error, Crylashes is confident that she will get the rose because she is a sexy virgin.
Next it’s Crylashes turn to sit in the lonely bed while Farmer Chris asks Kelsey how things are going for her. Kelsey answers but Chris doesn’t really care what she has to say as evidenced by his big sigh. He says it’s important that the person he marries can handle social situations well. Because there are so many black tie affairs in Arlington, Iowa. Kelsey says she is ready to be his wife because she has already been one: just ask my dead husband, he is right over there. Farmer Chris shows his inner 12 year old girl side and tells Kelsey “Crylashes just talked shit about you and said that you are fake.” Really Farmer Chris? What is wrong with you? Kelsey is shocked because she thought she and Crylashes were tight. Really Kelsey? What is wrong with you? Farmer Chris then says Crylashes also told him “all the other girls feel the same way too.” Another big sigh. I’m starting to not blame living in Iowa anymore for the fact that Farmer Chris is still single.
Kelsey comes down the mountain alone which makes us fear for Farmer Chris’s safety. Did Kelsey kill him and dispose of his body or did he make a run for it? Kelsey is mad and calls Crylashes a Kardashian with too much makeup, which is an oxymoron, unless you are talking about Bruce. He doesn’t have a heavy hand just yet.
Kelsey returns to the lonely bed, sits next to Crylashes and stares hate daggers into her skull.
Crylashes doesn’t make eye contact and continues to drink her wine while looking for an escape route. Kelsey continues to stare her down and eventually says in a voice from The Exorcist “I know what you did and don’t appreciate it.”  Crylashes repsonds by telling Kelsey “I am not from Pleasantville, I am from freaking 2014 and even though I don’t use big words, I am just as smart as you and also have a Masters Degree from a good place.” Bam! Take that Kelsey.
Crylashes finds Farmer Big Mouth, drags him over some hills and rips him a new asshole while simultaneously throwing a temper tantrum. She asks him “Why did you tell her what I said to you” and cries and cries and cries. Farmer Big Mouth defends himself by saying that he had to hear Kelsey’s side of the story. Crylashes violently wipes her nose, chokes on her tears, snorts and gags, and picks chunks of fallen mascara off her face.
Farmer Chris tries to send Crylashes home by telling her that he feels like at this point they are in different places. She continues to sniffle and snort. He then blames himself and says he can’t give her the lifestyle that she really wants. She cries harder but manages to pull herself together long enough to throw Britt under the bus by telling him “Do you think that Britt wants that lifestyle?” Crylashes storms off, gets mad when he doesn’t follow her, and whines “Chris, are you kidding me.” She marches back to him, hugs him and cries some more before finally walking back to the sad bed and a smirking Kelsey.
In the hotel, the door opens and the Suitcase Fairy takes Crylashes’ bag and throws it down the garbage chute. The girls are stunned and horrified because that means that Kelsey will be back. Back at the Badlands, Crylashes sits alone and laugh-cries and babbles to herself about second chances. She cries like someone just ran over her cat. She asks the camera man “Can we not do this now?” It’s now or never Crylashes, because in less than an hour you will be on a plane back to New Jersey.
Farmer Chris, who by the way is completely to blame for ruining this fabulous canopy bed in the desert date, plunks himself down on the bed with Kelsey, sighs and tells her he just sent Crylashes home. As if he didn’t already know that she knew that from the evil smirk on her face. Kelsey says she is sorry and hugs him. “It’s a loss” she says, and tries to put on her best “it’s a loss” face. Farmer Chris then launches into the longest, most inane send off sentence in the history of The Bachelor – “I have thought a lot about our conversation and…(sigh) I…(sigh) I…just don’t know if (mumble) and… (breathe) I feel like right now…in this situation and circumstances at hand…I just feel like…the best thing I can do is be honest with you… and… I hate this situation and I hate putting anyone through this any longer than they actually have to be because it’s horrible and I feel like you deserve someone who is 110% in and right now… I can’t be that for you.” She responds “it’s OK.” He wishes her the best, tells her to “take care” and leaves in the helicopter, stranding both Crylashes and Kelsey in the Badlands. If the children of this country are lucky, Kelsey will be eaten by coyote.
Back at the hotel, the door opens and the Suitcase Fairy retrieves Kelsey’s bag and down the garbage chute it goes. The girls go crazy and do a happy dance! In a voiceover, Kelsey talks about her amazing story while Carly pours champagne. Kelsey has no regrets because she came there to challenge herself with the adventure of love, and once again, she will rise above. Right now the only thing rising above you is Farmer Chris and the helicopter. I hope Crylashes or Kelsey can summon an Uber cab before nightfall.
Next week there will be a 2 day Bachelor event – Sunday and Monday nights. Unfortunately for me, I will not be around to recap either of those shows. I am particularly sad because the promos promise we will see Britt like we’ve never seen her before: In the shower.
See you in 2 weeks!