The Bachelor: Season 18 The Women Tell All

Run Jaun Pablo, run. Photo: abc.go.com

Run Jaun Pablo, run. Photo: abc.go.com

THE WOMEN TELL NOTHING WE DIDN’T ALREADY KNOW

Are you ready to meet “The most memorable women from the most controversial season of The Bachelor?” If so, then you should find the women from someone else’s season because all we have here are Juan Pablo’s unmemorable girls. Juan Pablo brought all the controversy himself by going on a reality show to find a wife when he wasn’t at all interested in finding a wife. Before we let the dejected women rip Juan Pablo to shreds, Chris Harrison reminds us that love can in fact be found on The Bachelor, and newly married Sean and Catherine take the stage.

Sean and Catherine are the first to sit in the hot seat and Chris compliments Catherine’s “grown sexy” Demi Lovato haircut. Catherine now has bangs which she will regret by next week. Now that pleasantries are out of the way, Chris asks the question that is on none of our minds- “How was the wedding night?” Some things are better left in the honeymoon suite, but Sean wants everyone to know that despite the “born again virgin” thing, he is an amazing lover! He goes on to say that the wedding night was great and there were fireworks! Catherine on the other hand wants everyone to know that Sean’s fireworks were “quick.” Nice way to emasculate your new husband Catherine. (BTW- they make a pill for that now. I believe it’s blue and starts with a “V”). Catherine then makes things worse by patting Sean’s leg and saying “He toots his own horn so I have to keep him in place.” I’m not sure what that means, nor do I want to know anything about Sean’s horn. Everyone is uncomfortable except for Catherine, so Chris sends Sean a lifeline and says “Welcome to the club buddy, don’t worry, you got 50, 60 years to get it right.” Sean tries to recover his manhood by squeaking out “We’re good.” Someone should have told Catherine that The Women Tell All episode does not mean she needs to tell all about her wedding night romp. Hopefully we have heard the last of Sean and Catherine’s sex life.

“So what else did you do on your honeymoon?” (Please, please, please talk about something other than sex). Sean says that they had fun and swam with the stingrays, which was a really nice non-sex story until Sean unnecessarily informs us that one latched onto his “man parts.” Thanks for the visual Sean but seriously, we have heard enough about your penis.

Next up is a shameless plug for a new Muppet Movie. Chris Harrison has to do something to earn his paycheck this season, so he interviews Kermit and Miss Piggy about their upcoming nuptials. He doesn’t ask them about their sex life. PHEW. As if this isn’t strange enough, Juan Pablo comes out and joins in the conversation. I hope that Kermie keeps a close eye on Miss Piggy or Juan Pablo will take her to the ocean, have his way with her and then slut-shame her the next day.

Finally, Chris introduces the 17 ladies who have decided to attend the Juan Pablo massacre, including Andi, Sharleen, Renee, Lucy the Free Spirit, Kelly the Dog Lover, Kat, Cassandra, Chelsie, and a few others who I have never seen before. Even Molly the dog is in attendance, and everyone is pleased to see that Molly has not died from a herpes infection from swimming in the mansion pool. In fact, according to Kelly, Molly didn’t like Juan Pablo from the start, and that makes Molly the smartest girl in the house. The ladies all look happy, relaxed and tan.

Chris starts the conversation by saying “some love him, some don’t” and asking the ladies “What did you like about Juan Pablo.” The consensus is that he is hot and has an accent. Sadly once the girls got to know him, both of those traits disappeared, leaving nothing but a shallow, self centered dimwit with an annoying accent. Andi confirms this and says “At the end of the day looks can fade and you need more than that.” The girls chime in that the questions he asked them were “surface level” and that he really wasn’t interested in getting to know them. Duh. Lauren S. says their conversations were superficial and he wasn’t interested in getting to know her. That’s because he wasn’t interested in getting to know you Lauren.

Cassandra said that when they were together all they talked about were their kids, but that wasn’t enough for her, and she was looking for something more. Renee on the other hand said she had a great experience talking about their kids. Lauren S. thinks she is entitled to speak again and calls out that Juan Pablo wasn’t genuine. Kelly quickly reminds Lauren S. that she was very into Juan Pablo until the night she begged for a kiss and didn’t get one, but rather got sent home crying and embarrassed. Sounds like a case of sour grapes to me.

Andi sums it all up by saying that they wanted different things, which is another way of saying that he wasn’t there for “the right reason” — He was looking for someone to date and have fun with (a girlfriend) and the women were looking for a husband. Although Andi seems to think that not looking for a wife is one of Juan Pablo’s many flaws, maybe, just maybe Juan Pablo had the right idea in finding someone he can date after 8 weeks, as opposed to the crazy women on this show who think they should marry a guy after a few dips in a hot tub. Hmmmm. Maybe Juan Pablo is not as “estupido” as we all think he is, although I highly doubt that.

Ah, Besitos, Besitos, Besitos. So many besitos, so many excuses for not giving besitos. Kat is sporting an orangey oompa loompa tan and has a lot to say. She complains that Juan Pablo proclaimed that he was trying to be fair, when in fact he kept changing the rules as he went along. Oh, so you picked up on that too Kat? Uh, Kat, maybe he just wasn’t that into you.

Renee admits that she and Cassandra were treated differently because they are single moms. Kat is mad that the moms were considered his “special ones.” She says (again) that the rules kept changing and it wasn’t fair. Chris tries to come to Juan Pablo’s defense (must be that bros before hoes thing) and says that perhaps Juan Pablo was fighting with two different sides of himself and that he was confused. There is no confusion Chris; we all know which one of Juan Pablo’s sides did all the thinking.

Next, Kelly calls Juan Pablo out on using Camila as an excuse for kissing or not kissing the girls. Chris Harrison jumps in and tells Kelly to be careful when playing the kid card. Kelly’s comeback? “He didn’t say Camila when he was in the ocean.” Oh SNAP!

Speaking of Clare, Chris introduces the elephant in the room (no, not Lauren H.) and brings up Clare and Juan Pablo’s 4 am tryst in the ocean. Sharleen thinks he had a case of “buyer’s remorse” (like Clare was a car he was test driving) and the other women agree that Juan Pablo had a lot of nerve blaming the whole thing on Clare. It was nice to see that the ladies didn’t throw Clare under the hot tub for sneaking out in the first place. In fact, Andi commends Clare on seizing an opportunity. I find that odd.

Sharleen

First in the hot seat is Sharleen, who according to Chris is “the most intriguing person we ever had on the show” Intriguing is Chris Harrison code for “what the hell is a girl like you doing on a show like this.” As always, Sharleen looks elegant and classy which only reaffirms my belief that she ended up on the show because she got in the wrong limo at the airport on night one.

We watch her journey, relive their bad kisses, and even Sharleen has to cover her eyes in embarrassment. Chris question why she left and she responds “I knew he wasn’t for me” because although “we had chemistry…we didn’t get each other completely.” Chris questions the missing “cerebral connection,” which basically means he wasn’t smart enough for her. Sharleen wishes she were dumber and I am praying that none of my daughters is watching a bright articulate woman say she wishes she was dumb so she can win a man. She chalks up her inability to lower herself intellectually to not being able to turn off her brain and that she thinks too much. The whole “I’m so smart” thing is an insult to women everywhere.

Given their great chemistry, Sharleen defends Juan Pablo by saying she found him very curious about her lifestyle and tells Chris that he asked her lots of questions about herself and wanted to know about her and her experiences. That’s because Sharleen has MUNDO and brains and the other girls have fake tans and kids. Sharleen says she is surprised to find out that she was his top choice all along. The other girls, not so surprised.

Sharleen does not regret leaving and has respect for Juan Pablo. Snort and eye roll. Despite their magnetic draw, she promises to control herself when he walks out on stage and I certainly hopes she means it because I can’t bear to watch them make out again.

Renee

Next up in the hot seat is Renee who calls Juan Pablo “sweet and romantic.” She has clearly forgotten that this is the guy who wouldn’t kiss her because she has a son, but played tonsil hockey with Cassandra who has a son. Although not as cerebral as Sharleen, Renee is smart enough to know that Juan Pablo was saying “no besitos for you” and making out with Clare 20 minutes later. Still, she has no regrets other than not telling him “I love you” sooner, which she admits wouldn’t have made a difference because truth be told, he just wan’t that into her.

I am going to sum up Renee’s experience: He’s a single dad. I’m a single mom. We are single parents. Ben. Cameeelllla. Ugh enough already. What’s with all this talk about kids anyway. I don’t want to talk to my husband about my kids and they are his!

At the end of the day, Renee has found love, is a “situation” and is very happy. Rumor has it she is engaged. Ben is happy the creep in the red flip flops won’t be coming to his little league games anymore.

Andi

Finally, everyone’s favorite assistant district attorney takes the hot seat. Chris starts with “We know how this ended, but what was it about him that you liked?” Andi explains that from the beginning he was incredibly attractive and she enjoyed spending time with him, until … the dreaded Fantasy Suite Nightmare. She says “It was fine for a little while…and then everything was all about his soccer and his traveling and who he knew…it was all about him.” He told her things that hurt her feelings and made her feel cheap, like she was barely there, that she barely beat out Renee, and reminding her that he had been with Clare the night before. She says he wasn’t mean, he was just inappropriate and rude and had no filter. In order to get through the night, Andi pretended to fall asleep. Many women have faked lots of things in the Fantasy Suite, but faking sleep is a new one.

Chris asks Andi how she is doing now. She says she is still looking and will continue to search for her great love. I’m sure you will Andi- every Monday night on ABC. Ees OK Andi, you will be the next Bachelorette.

Juan Pablo

Juan Pablo swags his way to the stage, takes his seat and says he is not nervous to be there because “After the final rose we will all be regular people and all be friends.” He looks over at the ladies and gives Andi a special “Hi Andi” look that says “thanks for the bang and you know you didn’t fake anything.”

Chris asks Juan Pablo “Now that you’ve seen the way you have treated some of the women, would you change anything?” Not surprisingly, Juan Pablo answers “No, no.” He believes he was realistic, mature and honest since day one. If he seemed a little rude at times it was only because he was being honest and sometimes being honest hurts. Just what we needed, words of wisdom from Juan Pablo. He turns to Andi, nods his head and says “ees OK.”

Juan Pablo has no regrets on how he treated anyone. I regret all the hours I spent watching this season.

Chris finally opens the floor to the ladies and Lauren S. says he should have told her he wasn’t into her instead of using Camila as an excuse for not kissing her. Juan Pablo responds “I didn’t essept to be The Bachelor to kiss 27 women- I came to get to know you.” Except he didn’t get to know anyone, but he did kiss just about everyone including Molly the dog.

The girls whine about unfair treatment, blah blah blah, single moms being the “special ones” and moan and groan that they all left things behind to be there with him on his “adventura.”

Cassandra can not sit quietly anymore and tells Juan Pablo “if you really cared about Renee you wouldn’t have gone on the Hometown Date and met Ben since you knew Renee wasn’t The One.” The audience applauds and he responds by saying that he introduces all of his dates to Cameeelllla, so what is wrong with meeting Ben. He just doesn’t get it and never will and Cassandra is now another case of sour grapes

He does not apologize for treating Renee and Cassandra differently; in fact, he defends that treatment by saying they deserve it because they are moms and moms are more important than dads. He does have a remarkable way of slinging the sh** and making up the rules as he goes along. Someone should have said “If they were such great moms they wouldn’t have left their kids.” That would have shut them all up.

Andi isn’t done with him yet, and tells Juan Pablo that it would have been nice if he had taken the time to get to know them as individuals. Juan Pablo says that “at end of day eet ees what eet ees” and he didn’t want to waste his time figuring out if he was having a good time. He says he got to know each women as much as he wanted and that statement is far more telling than even he realizes.

Kelly has something to say for a change and brings up the anti-gay comments that Juan Pablo so ignorantly made back in January. Kelly tells him that she has a gay parent and is very hurt by what he said. He placates her by saying he was taken out of context and will talk to her about it after the show. Lauren S. tells him to stop using the “English is my second language” excuse. Amen. He says he loves gay people and that they were born that way. He should just stop talking already. Sharleen comes to his rescue and says he believes in equality and is open minded. Sure he is.

With that being settled, it’s time for bloopers. The best part is Juan Pablo repeatedly saying that he is looking for someone who will accept him and his “little package” until a producer finally tells him that means he has a small penis. That and Molly the dog peeing in the pool, like many, many dogs before her.

Chris offers a sneak peak at next week’s Final Rose Ceremony and says we will see something we haven’t seen before. Hopefully Clare and Nikki will both come to their senses and tell him to shove the rose up his ass. Sadly, I doubt this will happen but, hey, ees OK.

The Bachelor: Season 18 Episode 8

Andi OUT ! Photo: abc.go.com

Andi OUT !
Photo: abc.go.com

By Denise Weiss

“Eees Ok”

It’s Fantasy Suite time, a/k/a the night that you show the world that you are easy and will sleep with a guy who will be sleeping with 2 other women. Juan Pablo is walking around St. Lucia in a mint green shirt and white shorts biding his time until he can get some quality alone time (wink, wink) with his three remaining ladies- Clare, Neekee and Andi. He has a twinkle in his eyes when he says the Fantasy Suite is “a chance to talk to the girls with privacy…All the time we want, no cameras. Perfect.” Talking, yeah right. Fortunately, St. Lucia is the perfect place to fall in love as opposed to all the other perfect places to fall in love that they have visited over the past few weeks.

Clare

Clare arrives in St. Lucia and annoyingly coos “If you told me a year ago that I would be standing here with the man of my dreams falling in love, there’s no way I would believe you.” She is convinced that Juan Pablo is perfect and is thrilled that it is finally time for her “love story” to come true.

Clare and Juan Pablo spend the day on a yacht. Clare actually spends the day on top of Juan Pablo while the camera man provides us with unnecessary shots up Clare’s dress. Juan Pablo declares “dees is freeking beautiful” as they jump off the yacht and splash in the warm water.

Clare spends all day and most of the night pretending to be mulling over whether or not she will spend the night with Juan Pablo in the fantasy suite. Who is she kidding? We all know that despite her PTSD from her time in ‘Nam, she is not going to pass up a chance to frolic with Juan Pablo without cameras and Cameeeellla’s prying eyes to capture her every move.

During dinner in a treehouse Clare wants to talk about meeting Cameeeelllla, but Juan Pablo would rather talk about Clare forgoing her individual room and spending the night with him in the fantasy suite. He whips out the standard “Chris Harrison Fantasy Suite Card,” hands Clare the key and says “Aye, what do you want to do?”

When she brings up his “we made a mistake in Vietnam” speech and tells him she doesn’t want to bring any more shame on Cameeeellla, he pretends to listen to her concerns but tells her with a shrug “Theese ees what it ees.”

Clare “really really really” wants to spend more time with him so she gives in and convinces herself that sleeping with him again is the right thing to do. “Since the day he blindfolded me in the car and told me to trust him and he hasn’t given me a reason not to.” Except the time that he called you out on your 4 am booty call and embarrassed you by telling you that you weren’t a good role model for his daughter. Big Sigh. Some people never learn.

Once in the Fantasy Suite, he toasts “tomorrow we will wake up and know a lot more about each other.” I bet you will. They sit and talk for a little while. He tells her she is cute and plays with her ear and grabs her nose. She drops the l-bomb by saying “I’m falling in love with you.” He continues to play “got your nose” and “let me hide my tongue in your mouth” and Clare is oblivious to the fact that she is being played like a grand piano.

Next stop, the hot tub where Juan Pablo continues to slobber all over her. She says she wants babies and marriage (in that order) and that she trusts him. SMH.

The next morning Juan Pablo says his sleepover with Clare was great and that they spent the night “just laying and talking and cuddling.” Sure you did. Was that before or after your braided each other’s hair and played with the Ouija board?

Andi

Juan Pablo is done with Clare and now it’s Andi’s turn. Their date consists of playing steel drums in a village, creeping out a young local boy by making him drink juice and playing a pick up game of soccer on the beach. After they are done annoying the locals, they jump in a land buggy and go for a ride into the jungle and have a picnic next to a waterfall. Didn’t they already have this date?

They sit under waterfall and Juan Pablo thinks Andi is “wife material.” I guess waterfalls are their thing.

Later that night Juan Pablo thinks Andi could be the one, but is concerned that he “meeesunderstood” her during the hometown date when she said that she “really badly wanted to fall in love.” He says he doesn’t want her to force things because “nothing that is forced will work.” Using her sharp prosecutor skills she explains that there is a difference between “wanting it badly” and “forcing it.” Juan Pablo accepts that answer because he really doesn’t care and is only making conversation as an introduction to asking her to spend the night in the Fantasy Suite.

Now it’s Andi’s turn to ask the questions and she asks if he thinks she will be a good mother. He replies “Do I think you can be a good mother? My honest answer is I don’t know. Are you a mother? No. Will you fit in my life? Sure.” He then adds “That’s why I have an overnight with you, so we can talk about a lot of things.” So Juan Pablo’s plan is to use their time together in the Fantasy Suite to get to know Andi better and determine if she will be a good mother. That Juan Pablo is such a standup guy. Andi is on cloud 9 and says yes. Fool.

The next morning Juan Pablo wakes up very happy. “We had a great night together. We freekin’ talked and laughed for hours. Hours. Like, HOURS…Andi could be the one.” Andi, on the other hand, apparently woke up in another suite, with another guy, on another island because she said “Waking up this morning, I could not wait to get out of the Fantasy Suite.” Andi does the walk of shame down a long dusty road and continues her confession “The Fantasy Suite turned into a nightmare. I saw a side to him that I didn’t really like, and the whole night was just a disaster.” Andi must have met the Juan Pablo that the rest of us have been watching all season because she looked as disgusted as we have been feeling. Hate to say it but, I TOLD YOU SO!

Shockingly, Andi realized that Juan Pablo is a self centered narcissist who talked about himself, name dropped, talked about his night with Clare, has no filter and thinks that he can say whatever he wants and everyone will just fall in love with him. Hmmm Andi, I see you’ve met Juan Pablo.

Andi is sad that it took her this long to figure out that Juan Pablo is a dog, and the moral of the story is always listen to your dad.

Neekee

Nikki  arrives for her horseback riding date in palazzo pants and a fringe bikini top that barely covers her nipples. Juan Pablo finds her sexy and says he wishes she was wearing a thong while she rode the horse. Ew.

They ride to the beach, strip down to bathing suits and hold hands as they run in the waves. Neekee says she’s ready to be with him and that he is what she wants. Juan Pablo says “aye aye aye I can’t wait for tonight” and is hoping for a Fantasy Suite trifecta. He rubs her neck, plays with her hair and makes stupid faces. Finally he whips out the Fantasy Suite invite card and Neekee gladly forgoes her individual room.

Juan Pablo is really into Neekee because she is honest, pretty, sexy and cares about people. Neekee likes Juan Pablo because he is funny, has sparkle, is a great dad and a good kisser. They are both so shallow and really deserve each other.

He rubs his thumb on her face and plays with her earlobe and asks her what she is thinking. After hemming and hawing a bit she finally responds “I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t feel the way I do…And I love you.” This makes Juan Pablo happy but makes me throw up a little in my mouth.

The next day Chris Harrison shows up and asks how things are going. Juan Pablo tells Chris that he is feeling good, which is an understatement given the amount of sex he has had over the past few days.

He watches the videos of the remaining 3 women, which are pretty unremarkable until he gets to Andi’s tape, which starts out innocent enough but ends with her walking up the road behind him to share some of her thoughts. Yikes!

Juan Pablo sits next to Andi, unaware that he is about to get dumped on his linen pants ass. He annoyingly rubs her face and listens as she tells him that she realized she’s not in love with him and that she is leaving. He responds “Eees OK” which infuriates Andi. What happens next is Andi’s hour long angry rant about what a louse he is, how he only cares about himself and how he never got to know her. Juan Pablo was dismissive and said “Eh, I cannot force you to feel something for me” which was pretty much his way of saying “Thanks for last night, you can go now.”

Andi isn’t quite finished with him yet, and calls him out on joking that she was there by “default” and for telling her that he slept with Clare the night before. His response? He was just being honest with her. She reminds him that there is a difference between being honest and being an asshole (the difference is brains, tact and class and we all know Juan Pablo has none of the above).

As much as I agree 100% with what Andi says about him, I have to wonder why she wasted her time yelling at him. She should have just said “You are a jerk,” packed her bags and left with her head held high (You go Sharleen!). Instead she positioned herself to be the next Bachelorette.

I am not defending Juan Pablo at all- in fact, I can’t stand him. But even during Desiree’s season it was clear that he is a womanizing horn dog who is not looking for a wife. What makes him even sleazier is that he played the Cameeeella card all season. Andi should have dumped him the minute she got out of the limo and he said “Oh you are a lawyer you must like to read.”

Andi eventually realizes that Juan Pablo is never going to agree that he is a douchebag and gets in the car and heads to the airport. Juan Pablo is very relieved that she is gone, and says there is no way he would take her back after that, proving once again that he is a pompous ass. Had she simply dumped him, he might have been upset, but after ripping him a new asshole on national television he has to save face and says “Am I disappointed? Maybe a little bit but I’m not going to argue with a lawyer.” Looks to me like you were just out argued by one.

Rose Ceremony

Chris Harrison escorts Clare and Neekee to the staging area and tells them that Andi has gone home, but is going to let Juan Pablo explain why she left. Does Juan Pablo admit that Andi left because she realized that he was a conceited jackass? Of course not. He tells the girls that Andi left because she didn’t have strong feelings for him and wanted to go home. He explains that he is hurt but he can’t force someone to like him. Neekee looks a little skeptical. Clare bought this crap hook, line and sinker.

He tells them he will understand if they don’t want to essept theesse rose. Shockingly, both Neekee and Clare essept the rose.

Next week the women tell all.

The Bachelor : Season 18 Episode 7

Juan Pablo meets Ben, Was it even worth it? Photo: abc.go.com

Juan Pablo meets Ben, Was it even worth it? Photo: abc.go.com

By Denise Weiss

Hola rose lovers, and welcome to Hometown Dates. This is the week we get a glimpse into the people who spawned and reared the type of women who go on a reality dating show to find a husband. We are down to the final four ladies- Nikki, Andi, Clare and Renee. I won’t lie to you- this episode was really boring and if you haven’t watch it yet, you will thank me for saving you two hours.

NEEKEE

The episode starts in Neekee’s, hometown of Kansas City, Mo. with a shot of some random cows mooing and Neekee running across a park and into Juan Pablo’s arms. Neekee is excited to bring Juan Pablo to the midwest, and is hoping to bring out the cowboy in him. Their first stop is Oklahoma Joe’s for some “gas station BBQ” which doesn’t sound very appetizing but looks delicious. Juan Pablo looks quizzically at the ribs and acts like he has never had BBQ chicken and ribs before. I’m pretty sure they have BBQ in Miami.

Next they go to an empty bar so el bachelor can prove his inner cowboy by riding a mechanical bull. How do you say “yee haw” in Spanish? Juan Pablo barely holds on but Neekee is impressed and thinks he’s the next Urban Cowboy. Neekee wants to tell him she loves him, but can’t get the words out. Instead they ride the bull together until they “fall off” and her tongue lands in his mouth.

They arrive at Neekee’s house and are greeted by Dad Tom, Mom Jennifer, some brothers and a wife. Dad Tom is wearing a sensible green sweater and makes Juan Pablo feel right at home when he toasts to Neekee and Juan Pablo’s new relationship. Dad Tom obviously doesn’t know that his daughter is a bitch.

Mom pulls Neekee aside for a mother/daughter chat. Neekee tells her mom that she loves Juan Pablo but is waiting for the right moment to tell him. I guess fighting with Clare about who paid the hotel bill last week didn’t leave enough time for “I love you.”

Mom Jennifer looks less than thrilled as she pulls on her hair and says she will support Neekee’s nuptials if Juan Pablo gets down on one knee and proposes.

Dad Tom sits down with Juan Pablo and tells him that if he isn’t 100 percent certain of his feelings for Neekee, please don’t ask her to marry him. Juan Pablo distracts Dad Tom with a lot of random hand gestures and Dad Tom is easily swayed and says they will accept him if he proposes. Dad Tom is an idiot.

Eventually Dad Tom questions Neekee about her feelings for Juan Pablo. She says she can’t put a finger on her feelings for him, but explains that “it’s magical.” Words are not Neekee’s strong point unless she’s bitching out Clare.

Dad Tom shows zero emotion and seems more like he is reading lines off a cue card than giving his daughter’s suitor his blessing. Neekee’s family is sweet and about as exciting as watching paint dry, and everyone is wondering how such nice people raised such a nasty daughter.

Neekee and Juan Pablo stand at the front door kissing until the limo driver decides he has better things to do and starts the car, signaling the end of the date. At least he didn’t honk the horn and yell out the window “get the f*** in the car already.” Juan Pablo says goodnight and drives off, and Neekee loses another opportunity to tell him that she loves him.

ANDI

Next up is Andi, who is really rocking the ombre down in Atlanta. Seriously, that is one really outdated ombre she has going on.

They meet in a park, run past some ducks, hug, he says “aye, there is a connection and chemistry” and they go to a shooting range where she fires an automatic weapon directly into the bullseye. Juan Pablo on the other hand uses a little wussy gun and after 737 rounds of ammo finally hits the target. His prize? He gets to meet her family. This should have been some kind of warning to Juan Pablo. Needless to say, Andi is someone to fear- emotionally insecure and armed and dangerous is not a pretty combination.

Andi is excited to see her family, but says that she is panicking inside because her family can be a little skeptical, which means that they have half a brain. Andi says she is waiting to fall in love with Juan Pablo and her family’s approval (or disapproval) could be the tipping point. Hopefully Juan Pablo brought the gun with him.

The family has hung a sign on the front door that reads “Welcome Home Pookie.” Funny, Juan Pablo doesn’t ask “waaas this meean pookie?” Mom Patti runs to greet her, with Dad Hy and Sister Rachel in tow.

It is abundantly clear from the start that no one is impressed with Juan Pablo. In fact, Dad Hy is so clearly disgusted that his Assistant District Attorney daughter is dating a guy who is dating 3 other women that he repeatedly wipes the sweat off of his forehead as he listens to Andi recall their “adventura.” Despite Andi’s best efforts to tell her family about how much fun they have had, Dad Hy is a big fat Debbie Downer and keeps reminding Andi how many other girls were on the date with them.

During dinner, Dad Hy shovels meat in his mouth, gulps wine and shoots disapproving looks at Juan Pablo. Mom Patti takes Juan Pablo outside to talk, and he hopes that she “essepts” him. Juan Pablo again ‘splains his feelings with feverous hand gestures. Next think you know Mom Patti is asking Juan Pablo to teach her to salsa, and Juan Pablo grabs Andi and grinds on her in front of Mom Patti. Eventually Juan Pablo throws Mom Patti a bone and takes her for a few spins around the deck.

Everything is going nicely until Dad Hy sits down and asks “is it Juan or Juan Pablo?” El Bachelor responds “Ees Jhuapalo.” Hy should have just called him Juan Crapo at this point. Anyway, whatever your name is, can you answer me the following question “what in the world made you go on this show?” Juan Pablo gives a stupid answer that doesn’t impress Dad Hy. Instead of just “essepting” that Dad Hy doesn’t like him, Juan Pablo tries to get Dad Hy to give his blessing, to which Dad Hy responds “let’s reverse the situation and pretend it’s your daughter who has been going out with a guy who is dating 3 other women.” Oh Snap! Dad Hy 1, Juan Pablo 0.

Meanwhile, in another room sister Rachel tells Andi she doesn’t see a connection between her and Juan Pablo. Despite her family’s disapproval of the situation (or maybe in spite of it) Andi ends the evening feeling a stronger connection to Juan Pablo and declares that she is “very very close to being in love with him.”

In the end, Dad Hy refuses to give his blessing to a man who is deciding between 4 women. Juan Pablo is unfazed and appreciates his honesty.

RENEE

Our next stop is Sarasota, Florida, where Renee is so excited to see her son Ben that she says she is literally going to eat him. But before we can reunite mother and child, Renee must have her date with Juan Pablo.

They meet up at the beach, hug and walk to a little league field for a picnic while they wait for Ben to arrive. Ben comes out of a random car, runs over to Renee and they are very happy to see each other. Juan Pablo walks over, calls him “buddy,” shakes his hand and tries too hard to talk to him. Ben is pretty quiet and is probably thinking who is the douche in the red flip flops with my mom and why does he keep trying to talk to me?

Renee and Juan Pablo watch as Ben makes all kinds of bad plays out in the field and team sponsor Lakewood Ranch Dental gets some really good publicity. Juan Pablo says he wants a son. I guess Cameeeellllla and her dance recitals aren’t cutting it anymore.

Renee and Juan Pablo’s date is put on hold so that ABC can promote a new movie about cars. Sorry Aaron Paul, not even you can interest me enough to go see that movie. Now if you are going to cook meth in one of those cars, let me know because then I will definitely tune in, bitch.

After the game they meet the rest of Renee’s family- Mom Brenda, Dad Tom (not to be confused with Neekee’s Dad Tom in the green sweater) and a very cute brother.

Renee gets Ben ready for bed and Mom Brenda sits with Juan Pablo on a really small couch. It is very clear from Juan Pablo’s crossed arms that his lips are telling Brenda how wonderful Renee is, but his body language is saying “no rose for you Renee.” Poor Renee. Maybe next time you won’t leave your son for 2 months so you can be a therapist to 20 crazy insecure women and run after a guy who doesn’t want to kiss you.

Mom Brenda asks Renee if she is in love with Juan Pablo, as opposed to loving him as we do our pets. Of course Renee is totally, crazy, madly in love with him; she just needs to let him know that, which of course she doesn’t, making her the third girl in a row to fail to say those 3 little words. I’m thinking it’s probably really difficult for the girls to say “I love you” because THEY DON’T REALLY LOVE HIM! Phew- I feel better now that I said that.

CLARE

Crazy as a squirrel and as angry as a swarm of bees is all we need to describe Clare. We are in a park in Sacramento California waiting for the start of Clare’s hometown date and the big reveal- what did her family do to make Clare so crazy?

Clare is excited that their date is taking place at a park that her dead dad used to take her to. They sit on a bench and talk. Well, Juan Pablo sits on the bench; Clare awkwardly sits on Juan Pablo. Clare tells Juan Pablo that before he died, she and her dad had their daddy/daughter wedding dance. Juan Pablo is not smart enough to see this as a huge red flag and just sits there listening to story after story about Clare’s dead father.

Juan Pablo is first guy she is bringing home since her dad died, and Ashlee starts talking about her abandonment issues. Oh, wait, sorry, I just had a little deja vu for a minute and forgot this is Clare and her issues, not Ashlee. Sorry about that. Clare talks about her father and says that he told her that anytime she needs him, she should find some water then throw rocks and he will be there. Does that mean that Dad was there in the ocean with them in Vietnam, because that’s really creepy. Either way Juan Pablo is so moved by the rock throwing speech that they go and throw rocks in the water. I would like to throw rocks at Clare.

Finally, the moment we have been waiting for- we meet Clare’s family- Mom Lillian, sisters Lisa, Laura, Madelyn, Julie and a brother in law who is completely irrelevant. It is immediately apparent that Clare got all the looks in the family.

Clare tells Sister Madelyn that if Juan Pablo proposes she will say yes. Madelyn points out that she has only known him a few weeks, but is quickly shut down when Clare reminds her that their parents only knew each other for 3 weeks before they got engaged. Sister Lisa thinks Juan Pablo is a real southern gentleman who deserves Clare’s love.

Sister Laura, who was hit with the ugly stick twice is not having any of this and tells Clare that mama will not be giving her blessing. Clare cries and gets mad at Sister Laura and demands mama’s blessing. Sister Laura says that mama is traditional and will never give her blessing for this. Mama is not only traditional but is also apparently mute because she just sits there while Clare and Sister Laura get up in each other’s faces.

Clare tells Sister Laura that she’s following her heart and it would devastate her if her family did anything to jeopardize her chances for a proposal. Sister Laura insists that she won’t let mama be manipulated and stands up in front of camera to prove how serious she is about this. Someone must have put dessert on the table because eventually Sister Laura walks away, giving Clare the opportunity to question mama directly. Sister Laura however is still lurking in the darkness and speaks for mama from behind the bushes, yelling “You are disrespecting mama.” Uh mama, feel free to speak up anytime now.

Juan Pablo finally gets some time with mama, who it turns out isn’t mute, she is bilingual and speaks to Juan Pablo in Spanish and English. She explains that everyone misses “Daddy” and that Sister Laura is just being protective. Juan Pablo turns on the old lady charm and mama gives her blessing. Clare’s entire family needs intensive therapy to deal with the death of their patriarch. Where is Renee when you need her?

Clare hopes that Juan Pablo can look past her crazy family because “I would love to marry him. I would absolutely love it.” Of course you would Clare, and so would we because we are all dying to see the DVD your dad left for your future husband.

ROSE CEREMONY

Back in Miami, Chris Harrison marches the girls out to the patio one by one and lines them up like a firing squad waiting for Juan Pablo. Chris says the gravity of the situation is weighing heavily on Juan Pablo as if Sister Laura is sitting in his lap.

Here we go:
The first rose goes to Neekee. The second rose goes to Clare. The third and final rose goes to Andi which we already knew from watching the promos for Tuesday…yes a double dose this week… night’s episode.

Juan Pablo looks sadly at rose-less Renee and cries. They sit and talk, and Juan Pablo does his patented move of wiping her tears with his thumb. He tells her he respects her and then walks her to the limo of rejection. Renee handles herself with class and dignity and doesn’t cry too badly and blow snot all over herself. Hopefully Renee will realize her true value and decide to go back to school for psychiatry.

Tuesday night- Fantasy Suite and drama on St. Lucia. Remember- what happens in the fantasy suite stays in the fantasy suite. Unless it’s herpes because that shit spreads.