Secrets and Wives- Bravo Finally Nails Long Island

From Left: Liza Sandler, Amy Miller, Gail Greenberg,Susan Doneson,Cori Goldfarb, and Andi Black of Secrets and Wives Photo: Bravotv.com

From Left: Liza Sandler, Amy Miller, Gail Greenberg,Susan Doneson,Cori Goldfarb, and Andi Black of Secrets and Wives
Photo: Bravotv.com

By Tara Cushing (@TheBravoBlonde)

Cori Goldfarb, Gail Greenberg, Andi Black, Amy Miller, Liza Sandler, and Susan Doneson. It may read like the roster from my childhood summer camp, but this is actually the cast from Bravo’s latest reality venture Secrets and WivesThis is Bravo’s second attempt to bring us catfights and crazy from Long Island, NY, and I think this time they may have gotten it right. Princesses Long Island was just too young, and the drama was too juvenile. Even myself, who is fluent in the language of the Jewish American Princess, couldn’t get into it. However, with SW, the princesses are all wearing their big girl panties, and dropping them for one another’s husbands. Throw in all the talk of blow jobs and it really is like my summer camp.

The cast of Secrets has all the makings of reality star success. The women are unapologetically raw with their language, they think out loud, and they live over the top in magnificent mansions…some floated by ex-husbands. There are lots of ex-husbands and ex-husband drama to boot. Liza Sandler (@TheLizaSandler) is the typical Long Island blonde tanorexic. She lives in a fabulous home that her ex is trying to sell out from under her. Episode one featured her crying in frustration into the steering wheel of her Mercedes after he pushes her buttons via phone.

No need to worry too much about Liza, as she’s never alone. She’s got her BFF Andi Black (@TheAndiBlack) to share her home and fart in her bed…yes this was really a conversation on the show. I’m still not sure exactly what Andi is doing at Liza’s. I often miss some of the details on the show because I’m trying to tell all these bottle blondes apart, hence why it’s taken me two episodes to review.Thank heavens for Susan Doneson.

Susan (@SusanDoneson) is the token brunette, and Italian (or wannabe Italian…is Doneson an Italian name?) on the show. Italians and Jews are like peanut butter and jelly. We all have the same values…food, family, loud talking, and food. Susan lives on the South Shore of Long Island, which means in comparison to her mansion dwelling North Shore counterparts, she’s slumming it a-la Antonia Gorga in a nice sized colonial. She also works, and doesn’t cease to remind the wealthy housewives around her of that fact. Susan is not only the resident Italian, she’s also the resident pot stirrer. She’s got a story and opinion about everybody and has outed Liza as the group slut. Susan’s husband is a Tony Soprano type who hung out with Liza in high school. Note most of these women have known each other since high school. These days Susan’s husband seems better suited to hang out with Dorinda Medley‘s boyfriend on The Real Housewives of New York City

Amy Miller (@amydmillerr) is the hopeless romantic of the group, in an equally hopeless relationship. She’s sweet and vulnerable, and is with a veritable jerk. Well, he’s only a jerk in front of other people and cameras. Like Snuffelupgas was to Big Bird, this is Amy’s boyfriend to everybody else. Nobody, not even her own son, has seen the supposed soft side of this man. The women all talk about Amy in worried whispers. To me she’s the most down to earth and I hope she gets her happy ending.

Gail Greenberg (@Gailygreenberg) is the group outcast. The second (or is it third) wife of the North Shore’s most prominent plastic surgeon, she shuffles around her palatial estate with her little dog and maid in tow. Whether packing for fabulous vacations, or being the star of Soul Cycle class, Gail is forever chasing the fountain of youth in pigtails…yes she wore pigtails in episode two, just ask Susan.

Cori Goldfarb (@Corigoldfarb) may just be my favorite. She’s an entrepreneur who traded in her Hamptons vacation home to open Truth and Beauty, a luxurious spa that appears to be bleeding money as she and her husband struggle to get it off the ground. Cori is no nonsense and blunt, but retains her class at the same time, which is more than I can say for the others. She raises her daughters with the right dose of love and sarcasm, the same sarcasm with which she nurtures her marriage.

If Secrets and Wives can retain its natural flow between the women of the cast this show could be the reality savior Bravo has been looking for. However, if history repeats itself and the women get caught up in faking drama we will end up with Real Housewives Of New Jersey with a side of Challah bread. For now however I give Secrets and Wives two tackily manicured thumbs up.

The RHONY Season 7 Premiere and TBB on Huff Post Live!

Sonja and Ramona on Huff Post Live. I chime in around 7:30 and then I'm back at the end.

Sonja and Ramona on Huff Post Live. I chime in around 7:30 and then I’m back at the end.

By Tara Cushing (@TheBravoBlonde)

The Real Housewives of New York City are back, and they are back in a big way, a big Bethenny (Frankel) way. If you love Bethenny this is great, if you’re not her biggest fan, well it might not be. “The show was at least 40% about her,” my husband quipped at the end of the Season 7 premier episode which aired last Tuesday. So what happened in the other 60?

Ramonja– Ramona Singer, fresh from a very public divorce, and Sonja Morgan, who is acting like she’s fresh from her divorce, continue to be best frenemies. They fight for dominance of conversation, of the camera. Hey ladies, give up, Bethenny wins.

Heather Thomson– I love her, but was she even in this episode?

Kristen Taekman– Her daughter is finished with physical therapy, which will leave her plenty of time to go for the psychiatric variety she will be needing from having had a mother on Housewives.

Carole Radziwill– Carole has missed a deadline for a book deal. Perhaps Aviva Drescher‘s suggestion of a ghost writer wasn’t such a bad idea after all.

Countess LuAnn DeLesseps– She looks very, umm, refreshed. Hey I’m not knocking it, I just want to know what she’s done. Spill the beans please Lulu!

Dorinda Medley– Though Sonja and Ramona assured me on my Huff Post Live appearance (see clip below) that she “hit the ground running”, she seems more Real Housewives of New Jersey to me, than RHONY. Maybe it’s her boyfriend who seems the Jersey dry cleaning stereotype.

Bethenny Frankel– Aaaand back to the star, hey, she has no control over how much they edit her in or out. She’s back with the one liners and she’s as interesting as always. One thing that lit up Twitter was her scene with Million Dollar Listing New York‘s Fredrik Eklund, in which a displaced B states she is homeless, in the same breath that she talks about having bought a house in the Hamptons over the summer. In the words of Ramona on that evening’s Watch What Happens Liveshe should rent something while she works on renovating her new apartment, and figuring out what to do about the one that her soon to be ex still inhabits. Between her and Kim Zolciak‘s similar statement on last season’s Don’t Be Tardy, I think it’s time for a new series…The Real Homeless Housewives, now that would be an interesting show. Skinnygirl dumpster dive recipes anybody?

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PS: I was not at the premier party this year. I blame the harsh New York winter that made me a hermit on my absence of an invite. I turned too many invites down over the last few months. I love everybody and sincerely wanted to go to everything but, I don’t love you more than I hate the snow!

What did you think of season 7 opener? Share your thoughts with us!