The Bachelor: Season 18 The Women Tell All

Run Jaun Pablo, run. Photo: abc.go.com

Run Jaun Pablo, run. Photo: abc.go.com

THE WOMEN TELL NOTHING WE DIDN’T ALREADY KNOW

Are you ready to meet “The most memorable women from the most controversial season of The Bachelor?” If so, then you should find the women from someone else’s season because all we have here are Juan Pablo’s unmemorable girls. Juan Pablo brought all the controversy himself by going on a reality show to find a wife when he wasn’t at all interested in finding a wife. Before we let the dejected women rip Juan Pablo to shreds, Chris Harrison reminds us that love can in fact be found on The Bachelor, and newly married Sean and Catherine take the stage.

Sean and Catherine are the first to sit in the hot seat and Chris compliments Catherine’s “grown sexy” Demi Lovato haircut. Catherine now has bangs which she will regret by next week. Now that pleasantries are out of the way, Chris asks the question that is on none of our minds- “How was the wedding night?” Some things are better left in the honeymoon suite, but Sean wants everyone to know that despite the “born again virgin” thing, he is an amazing lover! He goes on to say that the wedding night was great and there were fireworks! Catherine on the other hand wants everyone to know that Sean’s fireworks were “quick.” Nice way to emasculate your new husband Catherine. (BTW- they make a pill for that now. I believe it’s blue and starts with a “V”). Catherine then makes things worse by patting Sean’s leg and saying “He toots his own horn so I have to keep him in place.” I’m not sure what that means, nor do I want to know anything about Sean’s horn. Everyone is uncomfortable except for Catherine, so Chris sends Sean a lifeline and says “Welcome to the club buddy, don’t worry, you got 50, 60 years to get it right.” Sean tries to recover his manhood by squeaking out “We’re good.” Someone should have told Catherine that The Women Tell All episode does not mean she needs to tell all about her wedding night romp. Hopefully we have heard the last of Sean and Catherine’s sex life.

“So what else did you do on your honeymoon?” (Please, please, please talk about something other than sex). Sean says that they had fun and swam with the stingrays, which was a really nice non-sex story until Sean unnecessarily informs us that one latched onto his “man parts.” Thanks for the visual Sean but seriously, we have heard enough about your penis.

Next up is a shameless plug for a new Muppet Movie. Chris Harrison has to do something to earn his paycheck this season, so he interviews Kermit and Miss Piggy about their upcoming nuptials. He doesn’t ask them about their sex life. PHEW. As if this isn’t strange enough, Juan Pablo comes out and joins in the conversation. I hope that Kermie keeps a close eye on Miss Piggy or Juan Pablo will take her to the ocean, have his way with her and then slut-shame her the next day.

Finally, Chris introduces the 17 ladies who have decided to attend the Juan Pablo massacre, including Andi, Sharleen, Renee, Lucy the Free Spirit, Kelly the Dog Lover, Kat, Cassandra, Chelsie, and a few others who I have never seen before. Even Molly the dog is in attendance, and everyone is pleased to see that Molly has not died from a herpes infection from swimming in the mansion pool. In fact, according to Kelly, Molly didn’t like Juan Pablo from the start, and that makes Molly the smartest girl in the house. The ladies all look happy, relaxed and tan.

Chris starts the conversation by saying “some love him, some don’t” and asking the ladies “What did you like about Juan Pablo.” The consensus is that he is hot and has an accent. Sadly once the girls got to know him, both of those traits disappeared, leaving nothing but a shallow, self centered dimwit with an annoying accent. Andi confirms this and says “At the end of the day looks can fade and you need more than that.” The girls chime in that the questions he asked them were “surface level” and that he really wasn’t interested in getting to know them. Duh. Lauren S. says their conversations were superficial and he wasn’t interested in getting to know her. That’s because he wasn’t interested in getting to know you Lauren.

Cassandra said that when they were together all they talked about were their kids, but that wasn’t enough for her, and she was looking for something more. Renee on the other hand said she had a great experience talking about their kids. Lauren S. thinks she is entitled to speak again and calls out that Juan Pablo wasn’t genuine. Kelly quickly reminds Lauren S. that she was very into Juan Pablo until the night she begged for a kiss and didn’t get one, but rather got sent home crying and embarrassed. Sounds like a case of sour grapes to me.

Andi sums it all up by saying that they wanted different things, which is another way of saying that he wasn’t there for “the right reason” — He was looking for someone to date and have fun with (a girlfriend) and the women were looking for a husband. Although Andi seems to think that not looking for a wife is one of Juan Pablo’s many flaws, maybe, just maybe Juan Pablo had the right idea in finding someone he can date after 8 weeks, as opposed to the crazy women on this show who think they should marry a guy after a few dips in a hot tub. Hmmmm. Maybe Juan Pablo is not as “estupido” as we all think he is, although I highly doubt that.

Ah, Besitos, Besitos, Besitos. So many besitos, so many excuses for not giving besitos. Kat is sporting an orangey oompa loompa tan and has a lot to say. She complains that Juan Pablo proclaimed that he was trying to be fair, when in fact he kept changing the rules as he went along. Oh, so you picked up on that too Kat? Uh, Kat, maybe he just wasn’t that into you.

Renee admits that she and Cassandra were treated differently because they are single moms. Kat is mad that the moms were considered his “special ones.” She says (again) that the rules kept changing and it wasn’t fair. Chris tries to come to Juan Pablo’s defense (must be that bros before hoes thing) and says that perhaps Juan Pablo was fighting with two different sides of himself and that he was confused. There is no confusion Chris; we all know which one of Juan Pablo’s sides did all the thinking.

Next, Kelly calls Juan Pablo out on using Camila as an excuse for kissing or not kissing the girls. Chris Harrison jumps in and tells Kelly to be careful when playing the kid card. Kelly’s comeback? “He didn’t say Camila when he was in the ocean.” Oh SNAP!

Speaking of Clare, Chris introduces the elephant in the room (no, not Lauren H.) and brings up Clare and Juan Pablo’s 4 am tryst in the ocean. Sharleen thinks he had a case of “buyer’s remorse” (like Clare was a car he was test driving) and the other women agree that Juan Pablo had a lot of nerve blaming the whole thing on Clare. It was nice to see that the ladies didn’t throw Clare under the hot tub for sneaking out in the first place. In fact, Andi commends Clare on seizing an opportunity. I find that odd.

Sharleen

First in the hot seat is Sharleen, who according to Chris is “the most intriguing person we ever had on the show” Intriguing is Chris Harrison code for “what the hell is a girl like you doing on a show like this.” As always, Sharleen looks elegant and classy which only reaffirms my belief that she ended up on the show because she got in the wrong limo at the airport on night one.

We watch her journey, relive their bad kisses, and even Sharleen has to cover her eyes in embarrassment. Chris question why she left and she responds “I knew he wasn’t for me” because although “we had chemistry…we didn’t get each other completely.” Chris questions the missing “cerebral connection,” which basically means he wasn’t smart enough for her. Sharleen wishes she were dumber and I am praying that none of my daughters is watching a bright articulate woman say she wishes she was dumb so she can win a man. She chalks up her inability to lower herself intellectually to not being able to turn off her brain and that she thinks too much. The whole “I’m so smart” thing is an insult to women everywhere.

Given their great chemistry, Sharleen defends Juan Pablo by saying she found him very curious about her lifestyle and tells Chris that he asked her lots of questions about herself and wanted to know about her and her experiences. That’s because Sharleen has MUNDO and brains and the other girls have fake tans and kids. Sharleen says she is surprised to find out that she was his top choice all along. The other girls, not so surprised.

Sharleen does not regret leaving and has respect for Juan Pablo. Snort and eye roll. Despite their magnetic draw, she promises to control herself when he walks out on stage and I certainly hopes she means it because I can’t bear to watch them make out again.

Renee

Next up in the hot seat is Renee who calls Juan Pablo “sweet and romantic.” She has clearly forgotten that this is the guy who wouldn’t kiss her because she has a son, but played tonsil hockey with Cassandra who has a son. Although not as cerebral as Sharleen, Renee is smart enough to know that Juan Pablo was saying “no besitos for you” and making out with Clare 20 minutes later. Still, she has no regrets other than not telling him “I love you” sooner, which she admits wouldn’t have made a difference because truth be told, he just wan’t that into her.

I am going to sum up Renee’s experience: He’s a single dad. I’m a single mom. We are single parents. Ben. Cameeelllla. Ugh enough already. What’s with all this talk about kids anyway. I don’t want to talk to my husband about my kids and they are his!

At the end of the day, Renee has found love, is a “situation” and is very happy. Rumor has it she is engaged. Ben is happy the creep in the red flip flops won’t be coming to his little league games anymore.

Andi

Finally, everyone’s favorite assistant district attorney takes the hot seat. Chris starts with “We know how this ended, but what was it about him that you liked?” Andi explains that from the beginning he was incredibly attractive and she enjoyed spending time with him, until … the dreaded Fantasy Suite Nightmare. She says “It was fine for a little while…and then everything was all about his soccer and his traveling and who he knew…it was all about him.” He told her things that hurt her feelings and made her feel cheap, like she was barely there, that she barely beat out Renee, and reminding her that he had been with Clare the night before. She says he wasn’t mean, he was just inappropriate and rude and had no filter. In order to get through the night, Andi pretended to fall asleep. Many women have faked lots of things in the Fantasy Suite, but faking sleep is a new one.

Chris asks Andi how she is doing now. She says she is still looking and will continue to search for her great love. I’m sure you will Andi- every Monday night on ABC. Ees OK Andi, you will be the next Bachelorette.

Juan Pablo

Juan Pablo swags his way to the stage, takes his seat and says he is not nervous to be there because “After the final rose we will all be regular people and all be friends.” He looks over at the ladies and gives Andi a special “Hi Andi” look that says “thanks for the bang and you know you didn’t fake anything.”

Chris asks Juan Pablo “Now that you’ve seen the way you have treated some of the women, would you change anything?” Not surprisingly, Juan Pablo answers “No, no.” He believes he was realistic, mature and honest since day one. If he seemed a little rude at times it was only because he was being honest and sometimes being honest hurts. Just what we needed, words of wisdom from Juan Pablo. He turns to Andi, nods his head and says “ees OK.”

Juan Pablo has no regrets on how he treated anyone. I regret all the hours I spent watching this season.

Chris finally opens the floor to the ladies and Lauren S. says he should have told her he wasn’t into her instead of using Camila as an excuse for not kissing her. Juan Pablo responds “I didn’t essept to be The Bachelor to kiss 27 women- I came to get to know you.” Except he didn’t get to know anyone, but he did kiss just about everyone including Molly the dog.

The girls whine about unfair treatment, blah blah blah, single moms being the “special ones” and moan and groan that they all left things behind to be there with him on his “adventura.”

Cassandra can not sit quietly anymore and tells Juan Pablo “if you really cared about Renee you wouldn’t have gone on the Hometown Date and met Ben since you knew Renee wasn’t The One.” The audience applauds and he responds by saying that he introduces all of his dates to Cameeelllla, so what is wrong with meeting Ben. He just doesn’t get it and never will and Cassandra is now another case of sour grapes

He does not apologize for treating Renee and Cassandra differently; in fact, he defends that treatment by saying they deserve it because they are moms and moms are more important than dads. He does have a remarkable way of slinging the sh** and making up the rules as he goes along. Someone should have said “If they were such great moms they wouldn’t have left their kids.” That would have shut them all up.

Andi isn’t done with him yet, and tells Juan Pablo that it would have been nice if he had taken the time to get to know them as individuals. Juan Pablo says that “at end of day eet ees what eet ees” and he didn’t want to waste his time figuring out if he was having a good time. He says he got to know each women as much as he wanted and that statement is far more telling than even he realizes.

Kelly has something to say for a change and brings up the anti-gay comments that Juan Pablo so ignorantly made back in January. Kelly tells him that she has a gay parent and is very hurt by what he said. He placates her by saying he was taken out of context and will talk to her about it after the show. Lauren S. tells him to stop using the “English is my second language” excuse. Amen. He says he loves gay people and that they were born that way. He should just stop talking already. Sharleen comes to his rescue and says he believes in equality and is open minded. Sure he is.

With that being settled, it’s time for bloopers. The best part is Juan Pablo repeatedly saying that he is looking for someone who will accept him and his “little package” until a producer finally tells him that means he has a small penis. That and Molly the dog peeing in the pool, like many, many dogs before her.

Chris offers a sneak peak at next week’s Final Rose Ceremony and says we will see something we haven’t seen before. Hopefully Clare and Nikki will both come to their senses and tell him to shove the rose up his ass. Sadly, I doubt this will happen but, hey, ees OK.

The Bachelor : Season 18 Episode 7

Juan Pablo meets Ben, Was it even worth it? Photo: abc.go.com

Juan Pablo meets Ben, Was it even worth it? Photo: abc.go.com

By Denise Weiss

Hola rose lovers, and welcome to Hometown Dates. This is the week we get a glimpse into the people who spawned and reared the type of women who go on a reality dating show to find a husband. We are down to the final four ladies- Nikki, Andi, Clare and Renee. I won’t lie to you- this episode was really boring and if you haven’t watch it yet, you will thank me for saving you two hours.

NEEKEE

The episode starts in Neekee’s, hometown of Kansas City, Mo. with a shot of some random cows mooing and Neekee running across a park and into Juan Pablo’s arms. Neekee is excited to bring Juan Pablo to the midwest, and is hoping to bring out the cowboy in him. Their first stop is Oklahoma Joe’s for some “gas station BBQ” which doesn’t sound very appetizing but looks delicious. Juan Pablo looks quizzically at the ribs and acts like he has never had BBQ chicken and ribs before. I’m pretty sure they have BBQ in Miami.

Next they go to an empty bar so el bachelor can prove his inner cowboy by riding a mechanical bull. How do you say “yee haw” in Spanish? Juan Pablo barely holds on but Neekee is impressed and thinks he’s the next Urban Cowboy. Neekee wants to tell him she loves him, but can’t get the words out. Instead they ride the bull together until they “fall off” and her tongue lands in his mouth.

They arrive at Neekee’s house and are greeted by Dad Tom, Mom Jennifer, some brothers and a wife. Dad Tom is wearing a sensible green sweater and makes Juan Pablo feel right at home when he toasts to Neekee and Juan Pablo’s new relationship. Dad Tom obviously doesn’t know that his daughter is a bitch.

Mom pulls Neekee aside for a mother/daughter chat. Neekee tells her mom that she loves Juan Pablo but is waiting for the right moment to tell him. I guess fighting with Clare about who paid the hotel bill last week didn’t leave enough time for “I love you.”

Mom Jennifer looks less than thrilled as she pulls on her hair and says she will support Neekee’s nuptials if Juan Pablo gets down on one knee and proposes.

Dad Tom sits down with Juan Pablo and tells him that if he isn’t 100 percent certain of his feelings for Neekee, please don’t ask her to marry him. Juan Pablo distracts Dad Tom with a lot of random hand gestures and Dad Tom is easily swayed and says they will accept him if he proposes. Dad Tom is an idiot.

Eventually Dad Tom questions Neekee about her feelings for Juan Pablo. She says she can’t put a finger on her feelings for him, but explains that “it’s magical.” Words are not Neekee’s strong point unless she’s bitching out Clare.

Dad Tom shows zero emotion and seems more like he is reading lines off a cue card than giving his daughter’s suitor his blessing. Neekee’s family is sweet and about as exciting as watching paint dry, and everyone is wondering how such nice people raised such a nasty daughter.

Neekee and Juan Pablo stand at the front door kissing until the limo driver decides he has better things to do and starts the car, signaling the end of the date. At least he didn’t honk the horn and yell out the window “get the f*** in the car already.” Juan Pablo says goodnight and drives off, and Neekee loses another opportunity to tell him that she loves him.

ANDI

Next up is Andi, who is really rocking the ombre down in Atlanta. Seriously, that is one really outdated ombre she has going on.

They meet in a park, run past some ducks, hug, he says “aye, there is a connection and chemistry” and they go to a shooting range where she fires an automatic weapon directly into the bullseye. Juan Pablo on the other hand uses a little wussy gun and after 737 rounds of ammo finally hits the target. His prize? He gets to meet her family. This should have been some kind of warning to Juan Pablo. Needless to say, Andi is someone to fear- emotionally insecure and armed and dangerous is not a pretty combination.

Andi is excited to see her family, but says that she is panicking inside because her family can be a little skeptical, which means that they have half a brain. Andi says she is waiting to fall in love with Juan Pablo and her family’s approval (or disapproval) could be the tipping point. Hopefully Juan Pablo brought the gun with him.

The family has hung a sign on the front door that reads “Welcome Home Pookie.” Funny, Juan Pablo doesn’t ask “waaas this meean pookie?” Mom Patti runs to greet her, with Dad Hy and Sister Rachel in tow.

It is abundantly clear from the start that no one is impressed with Juan Pablo. In fact, Dad Hy is so clearly disgusted that his Assistant District Attorney daughter is dating a guy who is dating 3 other women that he repeatedly wipes the sweat off of his forehead as he listens to Andi recall their “adventura.” Despite Andi’s best efforts to tell her family about how much fun they have had, Dad Hy is a big fat Debbie Downer and keeps reminding Andi how many other girls were on the date with them.

During dinner, Dad Hy shovels meat in his mouth, gulps wine and shoots disapproving looks at Juan Pablo. Mom Patti takes Juan Pablo outside to talk, and he hopes that she “essepts” him. Juan Pablo again ‘splains his feelings with feverous hand gestures. Next think you know Mom Patti is asking Juan Pablo to teach her to salsa, and Juan Pablo grabs Andi and grinds on her in front of Mom Patti. Eventually Juan Pablo throws Mom Patti a bone and takes her for a few spins around the deck.

Everything is going nicely until Dad Hy sits down and asks “is it Juan or Juan Pablo?” El Bachelor responds “Ees Jhuapalo.” Hy should have just called him Juan Crapo at this point. Anyway, whatever your name is, can you answer me the following question “what in the world made you go on this show?” Juan Pablo gives a stupid answer that doesn’t impress Dad Hy. Instead of just “essepting” that Dad Hy doesn’t like him, Juan Pablo tries to get Dad Hy to give his blessing, to which Dad Hy responds “let’s reverse the situation and pretend it’s your daughter who has been going out with a guy who is dating 3 other women.” Oh Snap! Dad Hy 1, Juan Pablo 0.

Meanwhile, in another room sister Rachel tells Andi she doesn’t see a connection between her and Juan Pablo. Despite her family’s disapproval of the situation (or maybe in spite of it) Andi ends the evening feeling a stronger connection to Juan Pablo and declares that she is “very very close to being in love with him.”

In the end, Dad Hy refuses to give his blessing to a man who is deciding between 4 women. Juan Pablo is unfazed and appreciates his honesty.

RENEE

Our next stop is Sarasota, Florida, where Renee is so excited to see her son Ben that she says she is literally going to eat him. But before we can reunite mother and child, Renee must have her date with Juan Pablo.

They meet up at the beach, hug and walk to a little league field for a picnic while they wait for Ben to arrive. Ben comes out of a random car, runs over to Renee and they are very happy to see each other. Juan Pablo walks over, calls him “buddy,” shakes his hand and tries too hard to talk to him. Ben is pretty quiet and is probably thinking who is the douche in the red flip flops with my mom and why does he keep trying to talk to me?

Renee and Juan Pablo watch as Ben makes all kinds of bad plays out in the field and team sponsor Lakewood Ranch Dental gets some really good publicity. Juan Pablo says he wants a son. I guess Cameeeellllla and her dance recitals aren’t cutting it anymore.

Renee and Juan Pablo’s date is put on hold so that ABC can promote a new movie about cars. Sorry Aaron Paul, not even you can interest me enough to go see that movie. Now if you are going to cook meth in one of those cars, let me know because then I will definitely tune in, bitch.

After the game they meet the rest of Renee’s family- Mom Brenda, Dad Tom (not to be confused with Neekee’s Dad Tom in the green sweater) and a very cute brother.

Renee gets Ben ready for bed and Mom Brenda sits with Juan Pablo on a really small couch. It is very clear from Juan Pablo’s crossed arms that his lips are telling Brenda how wonderful Renee is, but his body language is saying “no rose for you Renee.” Poor Renee. Maybe next time you won’t leave your son for 2 months so you can be a therapist to 20 crazy insecure women and run after a guy who doesn’t want to kiss you.

Mom Brenda asks Renee if she is in love with Juan Pablo, as opposed to loving him as we do our pets. Of course Renee is totally, crazy, madly in love with him; she just needs to let him know that, which of course she doesn’t, making her the third girl in a row to fail to say those 3 little words. I’m thinking it’s probably really difficult for the girls to say “I love you” because THEY DON’T REALLY LOVE HIM! Phew- I feel better now that I said that.

CLARE

Crazy as a squirrel and as angry as a swarm of bees is all we need to describe Clare. We are in a park in Sacramento California waiting for the start of Clare’s hometown date and the big reveal- what did her family do to make Clare so crazy?

Clare is excited that their date is taking place at a park that her dead dad used to take her to. They sit on a bench and talk. Well, Juan Pablo sits on the bench; Clare awkwardly sits on Juan Pablo. Clare tells Juan Pablo that before he died, she and her dad had their daddy/daughter wedding dance. Juan Pablo is not smart enough to see this as a huge red flag and just sits there listening to story after story about Clare’s dead father.

Juan Pablo is first guy she is bringing home since her dad died, and Ashlee starts talking about her abandonment issues. Oh, wait, sorry, I just had a little deja vu for a minute and forgot this is Clare and her issues, not Ashlee. Sorry about that. Clare talks about her father and says that he told her that anytime she needs him, she should find some water then throw rocks and he will be there. Does that mean that Dad was there in the ocean with them in Vietnam, because that’s really creepy. Either way Juan Pablo is so moved by the rock throwing speech that they go and throw rocks in the water. I would like to throw rocks at Clare.

Finally, the moment we have been waiting for- we meet Clare’s family- Mom Lillian, sisters Lisa, Laura, Madelyn, Julie and a brother in law who is completely irrelevant. It is immediately apparent that Clare got all the looks in the family.

Clare tells Sister Madelyn that if Juan Pablo proposes she will say yes. Madelyn points out that she has only known him a few weeks, but is quickly shut down when Clare reminds her that their parents only knew each other for 3 weeks before they got engaged. Sister Lisa thinks Juan Pablo is a real southern gentleman who deserves Clare’s love.

Sister Laura, who was hit with the ugly stick twice is not having any of this and tells Clare that mama will not be giving her blessing. Clare cries and gets mad at Sister Laura and demands mama’s blessing. Sister Laura says that mama is traditional and will never give her blessing for this. Mama is not only traditional but is also apparently mute because she just sits there while Clare and Sister Laura get up in each other’s faces.

Clare tells Sister Laura that she’s following her heart and it would devastate her if her family did anything to jeopardize her chances for a proposal. Sister Laura insists that she won’t let mama be manipulated and stands up in front of camera to prove how serious she is about this. Someone must have put dessert on the table because eventually Sister Laura walks away, giving Clare the opportunity to question mama directly. Sister Laura however is still lurking in the darkness and speaks for mama from behind the bushes, yelling “You are disrespecting mama.” Uh mama, feel free to speak up anytime now.

Juan Pablo finally gets some time with mama, who it turns out isn’t mute, she is bilingual and speaks to Juan Pablo in Spanish and English. She explains that everyone misses “Daddy” and that Sister Laura is just being protective. Juan Pablo turns on the old lady charm and mama gives her blessing. Clare’s entire family needs intensive therapy to deal with the death of their patriarch. Where is Renee when you need her?

Clare hopes that Juan Pablo can look past her crazy family because “I would love to marry him. I would absolutely love it.” Of course you would Clare, and so would we because we are all dying to see the DVD your dad left for your future husband.

ROSE CEREMONY

Back in Miami, Chris Harrison marches the girls out to the patio one by one and lines them up like a firing squad waiting for Juan Pablo. Chris says the gravity of the situation is weighing heavily on Juan Pablo as if Sister Laura is sitting in his lap.

Here we go:
The first rose goes to Neekee. The second rose goes to Clare. The third and final rose goes to Andi which we already knew from watching the promos for Tuesday…yes a double dose this week… night’s episode.

Juan Pablo looks sadly at rose-less Renee and cries. They sit and talk, and Juan Pablo does his patented move of wiping her tears with his thumb. He tells her he respects her and then walks her to the limo of rejection. Renee handles herself with class and dignity and doesn’t cry too badly and blow snot all over herself. Hopefully Renee will realize her true value and decide to go back to school for psychiatry.

Tuesday night- Fantasy Suite and drama on St. Lucia. Remember- what happens in the fantasy suite stays in the fantasy suite. Unless it’s herpes because that shit spreads.

The Bachelor Season 18 : Episode 4

These Korean pop stars are about to get crashed Bachelore stlye. Credit: abc.go.com

These Korean pop stars are about to get crashed Bachelor stlye. Credit: abc.go.com

YOU’RE THE JUAN THAT I JUANT, BUT ARE YOU A GOOD ROLE MODEL FOR CAMEEELLA?

Hola rosa lovers, and welcome to Episode 4 of El Bachelor! This was the worst episode of The Bachelor to date, and further reinforces my beliefs that Juan Pablo is as interested in finding a wife as Sean Lowe is in forgoing his time in the Honeymoon Suite on his wedding night. Speaking of Sean, watching his wedding to Catherine helped to summarize the difference between Sean and Juan Pablo- Sean is the guy to whom you say “I do” while Juan Pablo is the guy you wake up next to after a long night of drinking and say “What did I do?”
The episode starts with Juan Pablo cuddling with Cameeelllla because it is time for her to return home to her mommy so that Juan Pablo can take his merry band of bridal wanna be misfits on some “adventuras” across the globe.
Chris Harrison arrives at the mansion and tells the ladies to quickly pack their stuff because they are headed to Seoul, South Korea. The girls scream, do a little Gangnam Style dance (which is so last year) and head to the airport despite the fact that most of them have no idea where South Korea is.
First Group Date
Upon arrival at the red and white decorated hotel, the group date card arrives and invites Chelsie (who doesn’t seem so bright to me), Cassandra (the girl with zero personality), Elise (whose dead mom’s dying wish was for her to be on The Bachelor), Danielle (who has never uttered one sentence and no one can understand why she is still there), Kat (who humped his neck last week at the pool party) and Nikki (who repeatedly reminds us that she is a pediatric nurse) on a date entitled “Pop.” Being the rocket scientists that these girls are, they discuss the possibility that the date will involve popcorn or gum. Nikki is quite upset that she did not get the one on one and believes that the “Pop” is the sound of her head exploding. You see, Nikki doesn’t have any sisters, and therefore doesn’t know how to share. Even sisters wouldn’t help this situation, because the sisters who date the same guy usually end up on The Jerry Springer Show. Chelsie finds it weird to see Juan Pablo halfway around the world. Isn’t that why she flew to South Korea in the first place? Was she expecting someone else? Note to Chelsie- when exploring South Korea, don’t go too far North.
As much as we would love to see Nikki’s sister-less head explode, we are not that lucky.  Rather, Juan Pablo and the six ladies gather at a K-Pop studio to learn some new dance moves courtesy of K-Pop singing sensation 2NE1, who are, according to Juan Pablo as popular in Korea as the Spice Girls are in the United States. The Spice Girls, really? Hello Juan Pablo, the 90’s called and want their girl group back. According to Juan Pablo “a girl who knows how to dance is the best way to Juan Pablo’s heart.” Apparently Juan Pablo loves to dance in bright red pants and refer to himself in the third person.
Kat is thrilled and boasts “I’m a dancer- I’ve been doing it since before I could walk” and jumps right in and busts a move and ends with a high kick. Nikki does the sprinkler. It isn’t pretty and Nikki shows her sad face and complains for hours on end. Just when things can’t get any worse for Nikki, the group is informed that they will be performing with 2NE1 in front of a huge crowd. Nikki’s attitude goes downhill from there and she says that she would rather crap her pants and hopes that she will be dancing for the South Korean School for the Blind. Fortunately, the “huge crowd” turns out to be a stage at a mall like a Tiffany inspired tour. Unfortunately for Nikki, none of the three hundred or so screaming Korean teens seems visually impaired and the show must go on.
Juan Pablo and the girls jump around the stage in the background, while Kat breaks free into her own slutty dance moves and takes front and center stage. They pose for some pictures with 2NE1 and teens all across South Korea are wondering about the dorky guy in the red pants with the 6 bimbos.
At night, Juan Pablo toasts to a peaceful and wonderful night- boy did he come to the wrong place for peace. He would probably have more luck finding peace in North Korea than sitting with this group of women.
Kat manages to snag the first night time one on one time with Juan Pablo and tells him that there is more to her that just fun. In fact, Kat confesses that she had a very troubled childhood with an alcoholic dad and divorced parents. It was all good though, because her mom made lemonade out of lemons. Juan Pablo has no idea what the hell she meant- you know, language barrier. I figured if the alcoholic dad showed up with some vodka, they could have made lemon drops.
While Kat bores Juan Pablo to death with her sad childhood story, Nikki complains to the other women about Kat’s phony behavior in front of the cameras. The other ladies are very uncomfortable with Nikki’s backstabbing ways and Danielle, who I didn’t know could speak in full sentences, says that Nikki has become catty and isn’t a good role model for Cameeellla.
Elise gets some one on one time with Juan Pablo and tells him that some of the other girls are not there for the right reason. Bad move Elise. Haven’t you seen this show before? Everyone knows that you NEVER, EVER tell the bachelor about the other girls or the drama in the house. NEVER. Elise should just start packing her bag immediately because she is history.
Nikki gets her one on one time and becomes all sweet and shy and oh this situation is so hard because I am looking for something real, and oh by the way did I mention that I am a pediatric nurse and work with kids? She tells him that she is a good diaper changer, which is really important since Cameeellla is 4 years old, but Juan Pablo doesn’t flinch because he is smitten by Nikki. Despite Elise’s attempts at sabotage, Juan Pablo asks Nikki “will you essept theese rose?” Of course she esspets the rose. The other girls cringe.
 
The Juan and Only Juan on Juan Date
Back at the hotel, the date card arrives and asks Sharleen “Are you my Seoul mate?” Someone asks “What do you think that means?” Sharleen responds “I think we will explore Seoul.” Really Sharleen, ya think?  Clare looks dumbfounded and declares that Sharleen is not right for Juan Pablo. Sharleen says she is excited about the date, but looks about as excited as someone who just stepped in gum.
In an effort to get ready for his date, Juan Pablo showers and we are forced to watch him wash his left breast and arm pit. He is no Shirtless Sean and I can do without the Juan Pablo in the shower scenes. Sharleen is happy that she got the one on one date and is hoping to fall in love because as of right now she ain’t feeling it. Juan Pablo says that Sharleen is one of his favorites. Everyone in America is staring at their TVs with very confused looks on their faces and asking “why?”
Sharleen and Juan Pablo’s date consists of walking through a market in Seoul, and Sharleen says that she feels like she is walking through a market in Seoul. They try on traditional outfits, eat unfamiliar food off of toothpicks, then go to a tea house for some serious conversation during which Sharleen impresses Juan Pablo with her use of the word bland. He is wearing yellow pants and a blue shirt and I wish he would stop taking fashion tips from whoever keeps telling him that real men wear pastel pants.
Before dinner, Juan Pablo takes Sharleen to a courtyard and begs her to sing for him. She is all like OMG I could NEVER do that on a first date and OH MY I have to be really comfortable with someone before I could do that. Give me a break Sharleen and just sing already. She warms up her lips, belts out a few notes and Juan Pablo is impressed. She slinks over to him and grabs his bottom lip. As if last week’s Sharleen/Juan Pablo kiss wasn’t bad enough, Sharleen leans in for another round of world’s worst kissing. This time instead of Sharleen being frozen like a dead fish, she leads with her tongue and passionately kisses him. In response, Juan Pablo chews on her bottom lip. I have to remember to watch these kisses with my hands over my face and peeking through my fingers. Despite his teeth marks on her lip, Sharleen decides that she really does like Juan Pablo, and “there is a shot that we could fall in love.”
At the end of the night Sharleen thanks Juan Pablo for a perfect date. He tells her he “gets her” and that makes her heart stop. Juan Pablo then asks how many kids she wants. Sharleen looks at him like he asked her to squeeze the pimples on his back and she says “me?” No, not you, I’m asking the waitress- of course you Sharleen. He reminds her that he has a daughter (as if anyone could forget that) and repeats the question. More crickets. After stumbling around a bit, Sharleen finally admits that she dated a man with a 4 year old daughter and she really didn’t like it too much. Instead of repeating that he is on this “adventura” to find a wife and step-mom for Cameeellla and that not liking kids is a deal breaker, he tells Sharleen that he appreciates her honesty and gives her the rose, which is basically giving Cameeelllla the big F.U.  Juan Pablo has lots of ‘splaining to do- he gave the rose to a woman who is appalled by children, despite the fact that he tells everyone he has to do the right thing for Cameeelllla. The right thing for Cameeellla would be for you to drop these crazies and go home and take her to the park on Friday. Instead, he gives the rose to the one woman who pretty much hates kids. “I like who you are, that you’re different. I appreciate your honesty. Will you essept theeese rose?”  Cameeellla becomes a more distant memory with each word.
Second Group Date a/k/a Reject Group Date
While Sharleen is honestly telling Juan Pablo that she hates kids, the second group date card arrives and says “Let’s Get Krazy.”  Lauren S. (who?); Andi (prosecutor); Clare (stage 5 clinger/psychopath); Renee (House Therapist); Alli (I have no idea who she is); and Kelly (Miss Piggy/Dog Lover) are supposed to be singing karaoke in a tiny dollhouse room to songs they have never heard before and lyrics that are not written in English. Instead they dance around the small room and sing “na na na.” When they are finished with “karaoke” they get some of Kat’s mother’s homemade lemonade in a zip lock bag, walk the streets, take pictures in photo booths, ride in paddle boats and eventually stumble across a place called “Dr. Fish Zone” for pedicures which consists of putting your feet in a pool of fish who eat the dead skin off your rotting planks. Renee’s feet seem popular with the fish and Clare is extremely jealous that Renee has disgusting feet and she doesn’t.
When the fish are sufficiently full, it is time for Juan Pablo and his “second shift of merry followers” to hit the streets of Seoul and eat some octopus; all except for Clare that is. Clare does not eat octopus and refuses until Juan Pablo chants “Clare Clare Clare.”  Clare finally manages to choke down the octopus, but not before it makes one last visit to the top of Clare’s mouth. Clare gags for effect but then emerges victorious over the octopus. Kelly is annoyed by Clare’s antics, calls her a lunatic and says “I know she has swallowed bigger things than that before.” Oh SNAP!
Flesh eating fish and octopus on a stick behind us, it is now time for the night portion of the date. Andi says that all the girls are starting to think about kissing Juan Pablo, so let the games begin!
Renee takes the first stab at locking lips with her latin lover by asking what Cameeella would think about her daddy kissing another woman. Despite her attempt to use Cameeella as kissing bait, Juan Pablo ain’t biting. Instead, he says that he wants to be a good role model to Cameeella and that he doesn’t want for her to see him kissing lots of women. He seems to have forgotten all about chewing Sharleen’s bottom lip off the night before, not to mention the 5 other women he has sucked face with already. He also seemed to forget that Cameeella is only 4 years old and shouldn’t even be watching this show.  And if we are talking about him being a good role model, he never should have said that gay people were perverted.  I rest my case on Juan Pablo not being a “good” role model.
Speaking of resting my case, prosecutor Andi and Juan Pablo sit on the side of a road and lean on a guard rail and talk. He calls her beautiful and plays “got your nose.” After a few “Aye Aye Ayes” and no “Kiss Kiss Kiss”, he leans his head back and falls asleep.
Lauren is next and isn’t wasting any time by making small talk. She goes right up to him, puts her arms around him to dance, leans in and asks for a “beso.”  He gives her the “I want to be a good role model for my daughter” line and she calls him out on kissing the other girls and then cries and makes a fool of herself. Instead of holding on to any shred of dignity, Lauren runs off, followed by a camera man and cries in the corner, telling Juan Pablo “I know you’ve like kissed the other girls.” All dignity out the window. Lauren is upset and embarrassed by her behavior, but she thinks she redeemed herself by saying that she is here for the right reasons. She is wrong.
Clare finally gets her alone time with Juan Pablo and while she is inside being fed chocolate crackers and reliving the great octopus toothpick eating debacle from the afternoon, Andi and Kelly are turning their hatred for Clare into a role play of the octopus eating, or gagging, escapade. While Andi and Kelly are making fun of her, Clare fawns all over Juan Pablo and admits that although she initially swallowed the octopus, she later “threw up in my mouth and swallowed it back down.” That is the sort of thing that will guarantee you a date in the fantasy suite.  Juan Pablo is mesmerized by Clare’s sexy teeth and lips and is turned on by the taste of regurgitated octopus so he breaks his “I’m a good role model for my daughter” rule and leans in and kisses Clare.  Clearly “I can’t kiss you because I am being a good role model for my daughter” is code for “I am just not that into you Renee, Andi and Lauren, so please don’t kiss me.”
In the end, Clare got the kiss, but Andi got the rose. I hope Juan Pablo got some Listerine.
Rose Ceremony
Nikki, Sharleen and Andi all have roses and have decided to forgo their alone time with Juan Pablo at the cocktail party. That is until Nikki, who left most of her dress in her hotel room, decides to march her barely covered self over to interrupt Juan Pablo and Clare’s talk time. Nikki and Juan Pablo are having a boring conversation when Juan Pablo passes a comment about some possible drama in the house. Nikki’s bitch radar goes up full force and she assumes that Clare, who was the last one to talk to Juan Pablo, must have ratted her out. Nikki and Clare have some words which symbolize the start of what is sure to be a major bitchfest that will last until one of them is sent home. The argument ends when Clare points out that in the end, Juan Pablo is the one who hands out the roses. Speaking of which, the remaining roses go to:
Renee (really?);
Chelsie (who almost plows over Elise to get to the rose);
Kelly (who looks more like Miss Piggy when she is in Seoul);
Danielle (who?);
Cassandra (Why?);
Alli (Huh?);
Clare (Yuck!); and
Kat (whatever).
Taking the long walk of shame and 12 hour flight home are:
Elise, who blames the same dead mom who sent her to Juan Pablo for sending her home; personally I would blame the awful dress that she wore to the rose ceremony, and Lauren who not only lost her dignity, but appeared to have lost her make-up bag as well.
Next week- Vietnam!