The Bachelor Season 18 : Episode 4

These Korean pop stars are about to get crashed Bachelore stlye. Credit: abc.go.com

These Korean pop stars are about to get crashed Bachelor stlye. Credit: abc.go.com

YOU’RE THE JUAN THAT I JUANT, BUT ARE YOU A GOOD ROLE MODEL FOR CAMEEELLA?

Hola rosa lovers, and welcome to Episode 4 of El Bachelor! This was the worst episode of The Bachelor to date, and further reinforces my beliefs that Juan Pablo is as interested in finding a wife as Sean Lowe is in forgoing his time in the Honeymoon Suite on his wedding night. Speaking of Sean, watching his wedding to Catherine helped to summarize the difference between Sean and Juan Pablo- Sean is the guy to whom you say “I do” while Juan Pablo is the guy you wake up next to after a long night of drinking and say “What did I do?”
The episode starts with Juan Pablo cuddling with Cameeelllla because it is time for her to return home to her mommy so that Juan Pablo can take his merry band of bridal wanna be misfits on some “adventuras” across the globe.
Chris Harrison arrives at the mansion and tells the ladies to quickly pack their stuff because they are headed to Seoul, South Korea. The girls scream, do a little Gangnam Style dance (which is so last year) and head to the airport despite the fact that most of them have no idea where South Korea is.
First Group Date
Upon arrival at the red and white decorated hotel, the group date card arrives and invites Chelsie (who doesn’t seem so bright to me), Cassandra (the girl with zero personality), Elise (whose dead mom’s dying wish was for her to be on The Bachelor), Danielle (who has never uttered one sentence and no one can understand why she is still there), Kat (who humped his neck last week at the pool party) and Nikki (who repeatedly reminds us that she is a pediatric nurse) on a date entitled “Pop.” Being the rocket scientists that these girls are, they discuss the possibility that the date will involve popcorn or gum. Nikki is quite upset that she did not get the one on one and believes that the “Pop” is the sound of her head exploding. You see, Nikki doesn’t have any sisters, and therefore doesn’t know how to share. Even sisters wouldn’t help this situation, because the sisters who date the same guy usually end up on The Jerry Springer Show. Chelsie finds it weird to see Juan Pablo halfway around the world. Isn’t that why she flew to South Korea in the first place? Was she expecting someone else? Note to Chelsie- when exploring South Korea, don’t go too far North.
As much as we would love to see Nikki’s sister-less head explode, we are not that lucky.  Rather, Juan Pablo and the six ladies gather at a K-Pop studio to learn some new dance moves courtesy of K-Pop singing sensation 2NE1, who are, according to Juan Pablo as popular in Korea as the Spice Girls are in the United States. The Spice Girls, really? Hello Juan Pablo, the 90’s called and want their girl group back. According to Juan Pablo “a girl who knows how to dance is the best way to Juan Pablo’s heart.” Apparently Juan Pablo loves to dance in bright red pants and refer to himself in the third person.
Kat is thrilled and boasts “I’m a dancer- I’ve been doing it since before I could walk” and jumps right in and busts a move and ends with a high kick. Nikki does the sprinkler. It isn’t pretty and Nikki shows her sad face and complains for hours on end. Just when things can’t get any worse for Nikki, the group is informed that they will be performing with 2NE1 in front of a huge crowd. Nikki’s attitude goes downhill from there and she says that she would rather crap her pants and hopes that she will be dancing for the South Korean School for the Blind. Fortunately, the “huge crowd” turns out to be a stage at a mall like a Tiffany inspired tour. Unfortunately for Nikki, none of the three hundred or so screaming Korean teens seems visually impaired and the show must go on.
Juan Pablo and the girls jump around the stage in the background, while Kat breaks free into her own slutty dance moves and takes front and center stage. They pose for some pictures with 2NE1 and teens all across South Korea are wondering about the dorky guy in the red pants with the 6 bimbos.
At night, Juan Pablo toasts to a peaceful and wonderful night- boy did he come to the wrong place for peace. He would probably have more luck finding peace in North Korea than sitting with this group of women.
Kat manages to snag the first night time one on one time with Juan Pablo and tells him that there is more to her that just fun. In fact, Kat confesses that she had a very troubled childhood with an alcoholic dad and divorced parents. It was all good though, because her mom made lemonade out of lemons. Juan Pablo has no idea what the hell she meant- you know, language barrier. I figured if the alcoholic dad showed up with some vodka, they could have made lemon drops.
While Kat bores Juan Pablo to death with her sad childhood story, Nikki complains to the other women about Kat’s phony behavior in front of the cameras. The other ladies are very uncomfortable with Nikki’s backstabbing ways and Danielle, who I didn’t know could speak in full sentences, says that Nikki has become catty and isn’t a good role model for Cameeellla.
Elise gets some one on one time with Juan Pablo and tells him that some of the other girls are not there for the right reason. Bad move Elise. Haven’t you seen this show before? Everyone knows that you NEVER, EVER tell the bachelor about the other girls or the drama in the house. NEVER. Elise should just start packing her bag immediately because she is history.
Nikki gets her one on one time and becomes all sweet and shy and oh this situation is so hard because I am looking for something real, and oh by the way did I mention that I am a pediatric nurse and work with kids? She tells him that she is a good diaper changer, which is really important since Cameeellla is 4 years old, but Juan Pablo doesn’t flinch because he is smitten by Nikki. Despite Elise’s attempts at sabotage, Juan Pablo asks Nikki “will you essept theese rose?” Of course she esspets the rose. The other girls cringe.
 
The Juan and Only Juan on Juan Date
Back at the hotel, the date card arrives and asks Sharleen “Are you my Seoul mate?” Someone asks “What do you think that means?” Sharleen responds “I think we will explore Seoul.” Really Sharleen, ya think?  Clare looks dumbfounded and declares that Sharleen is not right for Juan Pablo. Sharleen says she is excited about the date, but looks about as excited as someone who just stepped in gum.
In an effort to get ready for his date, Juan Pablo showers and we are forced to watch him wash his left breast and arm pit. He is no Shirtless Sean and I can do without the Juan Pablo in the shower scenes. Sharleen is happy that she got the one on one date and is hoping to fall in love because as of right now she ain’t feeling it. Juan Pablo says that Sharleen is one of his favorites. Everyone in America is staring at their TVs with very confused looks on their faces and asking “why?”
Sharleen and Juan Pablo’s date consists of walking through a market in Seoul, and Sharleen says that she feels like she is walking through a market in Seoul. They try on traditional outfits, eat unfamiliar food off of toothpicks, then go to a tea house for some serious conversation during which Sharleen impresses Juan Pablo with her use of the word bland. He is wearing yellow pants and a blue shirt and I wish he would stop taking fashion tips from whoever keeps telling him that real men wear pastel pants.
Before dinner, Juan Pablo takes Sharleen to a courtyard and begs her to sing for him. She is all like OMG I could NEVER do that on a first date and OH MY I have to be really comfortable with someone before I could do that. Give me a break Sharleen and just sing already. She warms up her lips, belts out a few notes and Juan Pablo is impressed. She slinks over to him and grabs his bottom lip. As if last week’s Sharleen/Juan Pablo kiss wasn’t bad enough, Sharleen leans in for another round of world’s worst kissing. This time instead of Sharleen being frozen like a dead fish, she leads with her tongue and passionately kisses him. In response, Juan Pablo chews on her bottom lip. I have to remember to watch these kisses with my hands over my face and peeking through my fingers. Despite his teeth marks on her lip, Sharleen decides that she really does like Juan Pablo, and “there is a shot that we could fall in love.”
At the end of the night Sharleen thanks Juan Pablo for a perfect date. He tells her he “gets her” and that makes her heart stop. Juan Pablo then asks how many kids she wants. Sharleen looks at him like he asked her to squeeze the pimples on his back and she says “me?” No, not you, I’m asking the waitress- of course you Sharleen. He reminds her that he has a daughter (as if anyone could forget that) and repeats the question. More crickets. After stumbling around a bit, Sharleen finally admits that she dated a man with a 4 year old daughter and she really didn’t like it too much. Instead of repeating that he is on this “adventura” to find a wife and step-mom for Cameeellla and that not liking kids is a deal breaker, he tells Sharleen that he appreciates her honesty and gives her the rose, which is basically giving Cameeelllla the big F.U.  Juan Pablo has lots of ‘splaining to do- he gave the rose to a woman who is appalled by children, despite the fact that he tells everyone he has to do the right thing for Cameeelllla. The right thing for Cameeellla would be for you to drop these crazies and go home and take her to the park on Friday. Instead, he gives the rose to the one woman who pretty much hates kids. “I like who you are, that you’re different. I appreciate your honesty. Will you essept theeese rose?”  Cameeellla becomes a more distant memory with each word.
Second Group Date a/k/a Reject Group Date
While Sharleen is honestly telling Juan Pablo that she hates kids, the second group date card arrives and says “Let’s Get Krazy.”  Lauren S. (who?); Andi (prosecutor); Clare (stage 5 clinger/psychopath); Renee (House Therapist); Alli (I have no idea who she is); and Kelly (Miss Piggy/Dog Lover) are supposed to be singing karaoke in a tiny dollhouse room to songs they have never heard before and lyrics that are not written in English. Instead they dance around the small room and sing “na na na.” When they are finished with “karaoke” they get some of Kat’s mother’s homemade lemonade in a zip lock bag, walk the streets, take pictures in photo booths, ride in paddle boats and eventually stumble across a place called “Dr. Fish Zone” for pedicures which consists of putting your feet in a pool of fish who eat the dead skin off your rotting planks. Renee’s feet seem popular with the fish and Clare is extremely jealous that Renee has disgusting feet and she doesn’t.
When the fish are sufficiently full, it is time for Juan Pablo and his “second shift of merry followers” to hit the streets of Seoul and eat some octopus; all except for Clare that is. Clare does not eat octopus and refuses until Juan Pablo chants “Clare Clare Clare.”  Clare finally manages to choke down the octopus, but not before it makes one last visit to the top of Clare’s mouth. Clare gags for effect but then emerges victorious over the octopus. Kelly is annoyed by Clare’s antics, calls her a lunatic and says “I know she has swallowed bigger things than that before.” Oh SNAP!
Flesh eating fish and octopus on a stick behind us, it is now time for the night portion of the date. Andi says that all the girls are starting to think about kissing Juan Pablo, so let the games begin!
Renee takes the first stab at locking lips with her latin lover by asking what Cameeella would think about her daddy kissing another woman. Despite her attempt to use Cameeella as kissing bait, Juan Pablo ain’t biting. Instead, he says that he wants to be a good role model to Cameeella and that he doesn’t want for her to see him kissing lots of women. He seems to have forgotten all about chewing Sharleen’s bottom lip off the night before, not to mention the 5 other women he has sucked face with already. He also seemed to forget that Cameeella is only 4 years old and shouldn’t even be watching this show.  And if we are talking about him being a good role model, he never should have said that gay people were perverted.  I rest my case on Juan Pablo not being a “good” role model.
Speaking of resting my case, prosecutor Andi and Juan Pablo sit on the side of a road and lean on a guard rail and talk. He calls her beautiful and plays “got your nose.” After a few “Aye Aye Ayes” and no “Kiss Kiss Kiss”, he leans his head back and falls asleep.
Lauren is next and isn’t wasting any time by making small talk. She goes right up to him, puts her arms around him to dance, leans in and asks for a “beso.”  He gives her the “I want to be a good role model for my daughter” line and she calls him out on kissing the other girls and then cries and makes a fool of herself. Instead of holding on to any shred of dignity, Lauren runs off, followed by a camera man and cries in the corner, telling Juan Pablo “I know you’ve like kissed the other girls.” All dignity out the window. Lauren is upset and embarrassed by her behavior, but she thinks she redeemed herself by saying that she is here for the right reasons. She is wrong.
Clare finally gets her alone time with Juan Pablo and while she is inside being fed chocolate crackers and reliving the great octopus toothpick eating debacle from the afternoon, Andi and Kelly are turning their hatred for Clare into a role play of the octopus eating, or gagging, escapade. While Andi and Kelly are making fun of her, Clare fawns all over Juan Pablo and admits that although she initially swallowed the octopus, she later “threw up in my mouth and swallowed it back down.” That is the sort of thing that will guarantee you a date in the fantasy suite.  Juan Pablo is mesmerized by Clare’s sexy teeth and lips and is turned on by the taste of regurgitated octopus so he breaks his “I’m a good role model for my daughter” rule and leans in and kisses Clare.  Clearly “I can’t kiss you because I am being a good role model for my daughter” is code for “I am just not that into you Renee, Andi and Lauren, so please don’t kiss me.”
In the end, Clare got the kiss, but Andi got the rose. I hope Juan Pablo got some Listerine.
Rose Ceremony
Nikki, Sharleen and Andi all have roses and have decided to forgo their alone time with Juan Pablo at the cocktail party. That is until Nikki, who left most of her dress in her hotel room, decides to march her barely covered self over to interrupt Juan Pablo and Clare’s talk time. Nikki and Juan Pablo are having a boring conversation when Juan Pablo passes a comment about some possible drama in the house. Nikki’s bitch radar goes up full force and she assumes that Clare, who was the last one to talk to Juan Pablo, must have ratted her out. Nikki and Clare have some words which symbolize the start of what is sure to be a major bitchfest that will last until one of them is sent home. The argument ends when Clare points out that in the end, Juan Pablo is the one who hands out the roses. Speaking of which, the remaining roses go to:
Renee (really?);
Chelsie (who almost plows over Elise to get to the rose);
Kelly (who looks more like Miss Piggy when she is in Seoul);
Danielle (who?);
Cassandra (Why?);
Alli (Huh?);
Clare (Yuck!); and
Kat (whatever).
Taking the long walk of shame and 12 hour flight home are:
Elise, who blames the same dead mom who sent her to Juan Pablo for sending her home; personally I would blame the awful dress that she wore to the rose ceremony, and Lauren who not only lost her dignity, but appeared to have lost her make-up bag as well.
Next week- Vietnam!

The Bachelor Season 18: Episode 2

Weirdest date...and costume...ever. Photo credit: abc.go.com

Weirdest date…and costume…ever. Photo credit: abc.go.com

Anyone Juan-t another glass of champagne?

Hola rosa lovers! Welcome to my recap-o of episode dos of El Bachelor.
The 18 lucky ladies and Molly the dog move into the mansion. Molly, like many dogs before her, takes a few laps in the pool, and the ladies discuss that Clare, the fake baby bump hairdresser, will be going on the first Juan-on-Juan date. I hope someone takes Molly out of the pool before she contracts a sexually transmitted diseases because we all know who and what have been in that pool.
First Juan-on-Juan Date
Clare is really excited about her date entitled “Let’s Chill Out” and despite the fact that she doesn’t go to bars, won’t participate in online dating, or hasn’t even been on a date in a long time, her expectations are low- “I know this sounds crazy, but this could be the first date with my future husband.” I’m thinking this is not really the right venue for a girl who hasn’t dated in a while, but what do I know? I also thought the fake pregnancy was a bad idea.
Juan Pablo arrives at the mansion, blindfolds Clare and tells her he “LOOOOVEEES surprises”. Clare, who is now the envy of the 50 shades of drunk girl from Sean’s season says that Juan Pablo smells like “heaven in a bottle”. Sorry Clare but what you are smelling is the expensive leather of that fabulous car and has nothing to do with Juan Pablo or heaven.
They arrive at their “dream” date, which is a winter wonderland in the middle of Los Angeles, complete with an ice skating rink and sledding on fake snow. Juan Pablo carries Clare out of the car, drops her on her ass in the ice and comments on how lucky he is to be in this magical fun winter wonderland. We in the rest of the country who just survived the polar vortex are not as impressed. Clare pretends she doesn’t know how to ice skate and falls to the ice so that Juan Pablo has to hold her up. How do you say “get on your feet bitch” in Spanish?
It doesn’t take much to awaken Clare’s dormant inner non-dating alter ego, because after 3 minutes of skating she decides that Juan Pablo is the man of her dreams. Of course he is.
No Bachelor “winter wonderland” date would be complete without a romp in a hot tub, and Juan Pablo and Clare slither in, get cozy and get to know each other in under 2 minutes. Clare describes this date as a “fairytale” “perfect” “magical” “unreal” and of course “amazing.” She says he makes her comfortable and at ease despite the fact they they have barely said two words to each other the entire date.
Clare gives Juan Pablo the most pathetic back rub in the history of hot tub rubs and tells him all about her daddy issues. Instead of recognizing the dead daddy conversation as his cue to jump out of the hot tub and run, Juan Pablo pulls a rose from out of his armpit and asks “will you esspet theese rose.”  Of course she says yes and we are treated to the first kiss of the season, during which there is no chemistry. Kissing Molly the dog would have been hotter.
As if this date weren’t boring enough, Juan Pablo and Clare eventually get out of the hot tub, walk barefoot across the cold snow and to their surprise (NOT) are treated to the first unknown singer concert of the season. They dance in their wet bathing suits with their bodies pressed together and pretend they are cold. It “snows” and Clare says that she is looking forward to their journey. It’s not a journey Clare, it’s an adventura!
Back at the mansion, the ladies are hanging around waiting for the next date card to arrive. Free spirit Lucy not only forgot her shoes, but she also forgot her bathing suit top because she is standing topless in the pool with a bunch of other ladies, telling them that she doesn’t want to go on a one on one date because she does better in groups. In my opinion, group dating has always been the best strategy when trying to land a husband.
Molly the dog doubles as a postal officer and brings the next date card. Someone should call the ASPCA because having Molly in a house with all those crazy women is definitely a form of animal abuse. At least Molly is cuter than the random coffee table that usually appears out of nowhere and delivers the date cards.
Second Juan-on-Juan
The second one-on-one date goes to Kat, and the card reads “I can feel the electricity.” I am hoping that someone will drop a blow dryer into the pool and push Kat in, but instead Juan Pablo arrives at the mansion and whisks her off to a private jet. Kat is so excited thinking about her future with Juan Pablo and how she could really get used to jet setting with her latin lover. I’m sure that’s exactly the life you will lead back in Miami with “retired” Juan Pablo and little Cameeeelllla every Friday.
Kat is unaware of their destination but is hopeful that it will be somewhere private like New York City, proving that she knows nothing about New York City. Before they land, Juan Pablo hands her neon, flashing, light-up, LED covered running attire and sneakers, and Kat finds herself at the start of a 5k in Salt Lake City. Kat is so excited that she is on this special date, and I guess she doesn’t realize that anyone can have the same experience at a city near them, including private, secluded New York City, for only $55 by simply signing up on electricrun.com.
The entire date consists of walking/jogging/dancing 3 miles in the dark with a large crowd of screaming strangers, then dancing on a stage in front of said screaming strangers. I can’t think of a better way to really get to know someone, and Juan Pablo screams into the microphone “Kat will you esseept theeese rose?!” We are now two-for-two and Juan Pablo knows nothing about either girl.
Group Date
The group date card arrives and invites the lucky 13 to “Say Cheese.”  Chelsie, Christy, Kelly, Cassandra, Andi, Renee, Lauren, Alli, Chantel, Nikki, Elise, Victoria and Lucy hop into the limo and are off on their adventura. Kelly is excited about this date because it’s either a photo shoot or a cheese eating contest, and either way she’s good and has it covered. Victoria is nervous because she just realized that all these women are here to date the same guy and she’s worried that this will turn into a horror show. Or did she say whore show? Either way, she is right. Lucy’s strategy is to lift her shirt and lead with her breasts as opposed to her dirty feet.
The limo arrives at an abandoned garage and as Juan Pablo lifts the metal door and leads them in, they are told they will be taking pictures and “doing it for a good cuss.” Just what exactly is a “cuss?” Oh, you mean a good cause; I get it now. The girls are then introduced to a “photographer” with a turquoise beard (I’m not so sure I trust that guy) who tells them that they are going to do the shoot in costume with dogs to help raise money for dogs in need. Apparently this “cuss” is for a charity that is so important to  ABC that they don’t even bother to tell you the name, but rather tell you to go on ABC.com for more information. Too bad Molly wasn’t invited- maybe she would have found a husband- her odds are better than Kelly’s.
Each girl has been assigned a costume and a dog and all the bitches are sent to make-up. Chelise looks like Cruella deVille (which will probably scare the crap out of the dogs) and Kelly the dog lover is spray painted brown and looks like dog poop with white spots. Lucy, who borrowed someone’s shoes for this date is dressed like a fire hydrant and is worried about being peed on. Cassandra is wearing a tiny dress which looks like it is made of bandaids and Renee is dressed in an evening gown. Victoria is dressed as a lifeguard and pretends to give Juan Pablo CPR. The entire date is a shit show.
As ridiculous as the women look, they are much better off than Elise and Andi whose costumes consist of small white rectangle signs that they are to hold in front of their naked lady parts. Andi the prosecutor who has already proven that she is way to smart for Juan Pablo because she likes to read, is totally stressing out about this because she is not the girl who walks around naked. In fact, she reminds us that she is the girl who puts people in jail and I’m not sure what one thing has to do with another, but right about now Andi is feeling like her entire law school education is going down the pooper scooper.
Elise is also freaking out because she knows that being naked will not make her a good role model to little Cameeelllla, nor will it impress the parents of her first grade students back home. After the photographer blows some smoke up her ass about how being naked in the shoot is in the best interest of the dogs, Elise shows that she is smarter that the average prosecutor and asks Free Spirit Lucy (who really likes being naked) if she will change costumes with her. Lucy is all too happy to hand over her fire hydrant outfit and go naked for the cause, and even takes a dog named Electra for a walk down the street completely naked to prove the point. Lucy is naked, not the dog.
While Juan Pablo is having a great time snuggling up to Renee and being rescued by lifeguard Victoria, Andi is sitting in the corner pouting about having to wear a sign. Eventually Juan Pablo comes in and sweet talks Andi into giving up her morals and her clothes with a promise that he too will be naked. That is all Andi needs to hear, and she agrees to pose naked with Lucy, Juan Pablo and his two furry friends. Oh and the two dogs too. Fortunately for us, ABC blacked out all the pictures of Juan Pablo’s junk and Lucy and Andi’s lady parts. I’m not sure how these naked pictures will encourage people to adopt a shelter dog, and I told my daughters that if a man ever takes you to a garage in an alley and tells you that you will be taking naked pictures for charity, pull out the pepper spray and RUN.
Night falls and the group heads to a rooftop pool. All the ladies realize by now that their group date sucked and they want some one on one time with Juan Pablo. Cassandra takes him aside and tells him about her 2 year old son Trey which makes Juan Pablo so excited that he puts his hands over his mouth and squeals like a little girl. It doesn’t seem to matter to Juan Pablo that Cassandra is only a few years older than little Cameeelllla – he whispers sweet nothings in her ear that I’m sure she doesn’t understand, and she is smitten despite the fact that he is old enough to be her father.
Renee, the other single mom, talks about her son, listens to Juan Pablo babble on about how Cameeeelllla dots her “i” and then unsuccessfully tries to kiss him. He is not interested and it looks to me like mama Renee has entered the dreaded friend zone. The evening drags on as each girl patiently waits her turn for some alone time with Juan Pablo. Except for Victoria, for whom “waiting patiently” means “pounding champagne.”
On a couch across the roof, Nikki the pediatric nurse tries to give Victoria and her blue fingernails some advice and tells her to “tone it down” because everyone knows she is  hammered. Victoria denies being drunk and slurs “this is how I always am sober. I’m just fun sober and Juan Pablo likes fun. If Juan Pablo were mine I would straddle him all day because life is about straddling people.” Oh so the key to happiness is straddling? Maybe she can put that on her match.com profile when she gets home. Then she adds this gem “I’m not a dog, I’m just a bitch.” I bet to a drunk girl that makes a lot of sense. To the rest of us, not so much.
Nikki has given up on saving Victoria and decides to let Juan Pablo carry her to a mattress with some pillows that has been set up in the rocks somewhere on the roof. While Juan Pablo is trying to cop a feel, I mean listen to Nikki’s heartbeat with an imaginary stethoscope, Victoria is in the pool, babbling to herself about straddling Juan Pablo and giving him the “hymen” maneuver because he is dying. Victoria seems a little confused and must have forgotten that the hymen maneuver is what you use in the fantasy suite, not on a group date. Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, Victoria asks whose leg she has to hump to get some one on one time with Juan Pablo. I can’t even watch this anymore.
Instead of just passing out like any good drunk girl should, Victoria turns into “crazy drunk girl” and goes on a booze induced rampage to find her man. She stumbles across the rooftop and spots him sitting with Nikki. This now makes her “crazy pissed off drunk girl” and no one wants to deal with that mess! Upon seeing Juan Pablo and Nikki together Victoria gives the the him “oh no you didn’t” hand, runs off to the bathroom, locks herself in a stall and becomes “crazy pissed off crying drunk girl.”
Renee the self appointed house mother a/k/a Mrs. Garrett crawls under the stall door and sits with Victoria who has become “crazy pissed off crying irrational drunk girl.” Whose idea was it to not include the psychiatric nurse on this group date because Victoria could use a shot of demerol right about now.
Angry drunk Victoria finally comes out of the bathroom but continues her downward spiral and walks barefoot and bikinied to the nearest elevator, yelling at a producer that she is “Done, Done, Done” and wants to go home. Despite his pleas that she stay with him for their ratings, I mean her safety, Victoria DEMANDS to GO HOME! When she realizes he is not going to let her get in the elevator, she runs back to her favorite stall, sits on the floor and leans on the toilet. That nice cold toilet bowl is going to feel really good against her head in a few hours. That and a toasted bagel with bacon egg and cheese and a hot chocolate and she will be good as new.
Being a gentleman, Juan Pablo goes into the bathroom, disguises the disgust in his voice and tries to coax her out of the stall. He feels badly about her situation and says he won’t judge her. That certainly doesn’t mean that the rest of us won’t judge her, so judge away!
The group date rose goes to Kelly the dog lover for being a good sport and dressing like dog poop. Juan Pablo sends the girls home and Victoria goes to a hotel to dry out or get her stomach pumped- whichever will sober her up enough so that ABC can send her on her way without worrying about incurring any legal liability.
The next morning Juan Pablo arrives at Victoria’s hotel room and she apologizes for “going off the crazy train.”  She blames her bad drunk behavior on the intensity with which she feels things and that being with the other girls made her upset. She goes on to say that she is mortified about her behavior- as are the rest of us- and apologizes. Victoria may have been apologetic, but once you go off the crazy train there is no getting back on. Despite Juan Pablo’s ability to understand that she was nervous, he in no way is going to let “crazy pissed off crying irrational insecure drunk girl” around Cameeeelllla. In Juan Pablo’s eyes, women who get drunk are not ready to be in a relationship with his daughter. I beg to differ Juan Pablo- you try being a mom to three teenage girls and then judge me, I mean them, for tying one on and wearing a lampshade every now and then.
In the end, Juan Pablo feels he did the “rightest thing” for his daughter. Don’t let the champagne bottle hit you on the ass on the way out Victoria.
Cocktail Party
The ladies are informed that Victoria has been sent home and they nod their heads and shoot judgmental glares towards each other, like they have never been mean, nasty sloppy drunks. Hypocrites.
Amy uses her one on one time with Juan Pablo to “interview” him, imaginary mic and all.  Juan Pablo seems impressed with her interviewing skills, and says she is pretty, fun and has a nice smile. That’s because thats all he knows about her and he is making it up as he goes along. At this point it may be too late for Amy to reel in Juan Pablo, but maybe ABC will be impressed with her interview skills and offer her a spot on The View.
Sharleen was embarrassed by her rude treatment of Juan Pablo after he handed her the First Impression Rose last week, so as an apology she wore a dress that showed 97% of her left breast.
Cassandra is starting to miss her son Trey and wants to go home. Renee/Mrs. Garrett steps in and talks her out of leaving, which makes no sense because this is a competition and who encourages their competition, who is much younger and prettier by the way, to stay? Renee should be showing Cassandra pictures of Trey and helping her pack!! I guess Cassandra didn’t realize that committing to this show would mean leaving her son behind, as opposed to all the other single parents who have missed their children over the past 26 seasons. I think the only reason Cassandra tried out for this show is because she was’t picked to be on 16 and Pregnant.
Rose Ceremony
Kat, Kelly and Clare have roses, and the remaining roses go to:
Cassandra, Nikki, Andi, Elise, Sharleen, Renee, Danielle, Lucy, Alli, Chelsie, Lauren and Christy
ABC wasn’t impressed with Amy’s interview skills so she won’t be working for them anytime soon, and Chantel never stood a chance after wearing a tight, hot blue dress out of the limo.
Hasta la vista baby!

Countdown to Juan Pablo

New Bachelor 32 year old Juan Pablo Galavis. Photo Credit: abc.go.com

New Bachelor 32 year old Juan Pablo Galavis.
Photo Credit: abc.go.com

By Denise Weiss

5-4-3-2-JUAN!
Welcome to Season 18 of The Bachelor! The first episode, or tease of one, Countdown to Juan Pablo was a complete waste of time, but gave us a glimpse into how different this season will be different from past seasons of The Bachelor. NOT! As usual, there will be yacht jumping, waterfalls, hot tubs, kissing, dancing, kissing while dancing, and lots of tears and drama. The good news is that Juan Pablo has been working on his abs, his biceps  and his English, and all are significantly improved.
In order to fill this “Get to know Juan Pablo” hour long episode, we are treated to an inside view on how ABC chooses the women who will be cat fighting for Juan Pablo’s heart. This group is as pathetic as you could imagine, and include a woman who no longer wants to be a booty call, one who admits to strangers on TV that she lost her virginity 2 weeks ago, a charmer whose talent is that she can put her fist in her mouth (which she goes on to prove by actually shoving her fist in her mouth) and a real brain surgeon who exclaims “oh he’s single” when she learns that Juan Pablo is going to be the next Bachelor. Duh! And let’s not forget the grandma who had no idea what The Bachelor was, but instead insisted that her granddaughter was very qualified for the beauty pageant. That would be “Toddlers and Tiaras” which is filming on the lot next door grandma.
Next we watch as Chris Harrison “surprises” women at their homes when he shows up on their doorsteps, rose in hand, to deliver the news that they have been chosen to be on The Bachelor. I use the word “surprises” loosely because these women are wearing full makeup and sundresses and don’t look as if they have been caught by surprise. If Chris Harrison showed up on my doorstep unannounced in the middle of the day he would find me in my pajamas with a clip hanging off my hair. Perhaps that is why I have never been chosen to be a contestant on The Bachelor.
The first lucky lady is Lucinda, who is so excited that she jumps on Chris, wraps her legs around him, gives him a little dry hump and screeches “I love Juan Pablo.” Of course you do Lucinda. Chris Harrison’s second rose recipient is Elyse who confesses that she has been working on her Spanish in anticipation of being chosen. So far she has mastered “Hola.”
We meet a few others, including Lauren who I thought was going to make out with the Duck Dynasty looking producer right on her doorstep. We also get a glimpse of a real classy girl who jumps up and down on her bed in her pink panties, and one who runs into the ocean yelling “I’m coming for you Juan Pablo.” All the women throw their arms up in the air and scream “Juan Pablo” at the top of their lungs, and I can tell immediately that it’s going to be a long season.
Finally, it’s time to meet our Bachelor. Juan Pablo is a 32 year old, retired soccer player who is a single father to his 4 year old daughter Camilla. Juan Pablo is a terrific dad, despite the fact that he doesn’t know how to properly buckle her into her car seat and allows her to dive face first into the shallow end of a swimming pool. He likes to take to her to the park and really, really loves being a dad.
We don’t see a recap of Juan Pablo’s time on Des’ season because he was barely on it. Truth be told, we don’t know much about Juan Pablo other than that he is muy caliente and has a very sexy accent. After watching last night’s episode, I have a feeling that there’s not much more to him, and that Juan Pablo is as deep as a puddle.
Back in Miami, we meet Juan Pablo’s family including a distant relative who mistakenly calls him “Juan Carlos.” His female cousins call him a player, his sister announces she is pregnant and some guy named Ivan gives him really good advice to wait 15 minutes and brush his teeth between make out sessions. Thanks Ivan, that’s the stuff that good, solid marriages are made of.
His Dad takes him outside and tells him that he hopes he will bring home a daughter in law, but reminds him “you have to think about Camilla.”  The best way for Juan Pablo to think about Camilla would be for him to stay home and avoid these bat-shit crazy women. The final bit of Dad advice is “remember we are here for you” to which the words “until you make a fool of yourself” should have been added.
After watching this introduction, I liken Juan Pablo to a beautifully wrapped present on Christmas morning. Adorned with ribbons and bows and shiny wrapping paper, you ooh and aah at the sight of it, but are very disappointed when you open it up and find new underwear inside.
I’m sure this season will provide lots of drama, backstabbing and helicopters, and I am looking forward to sharing every cringe-worthy moment with you!