The Men Tell All
Welcome to The Men Tell All episode of Des’ dramatic journey to find love. According to Chris Harrison, this was “the best Bachelorette season ever”, with the most “shocking event” still yet to come. Somehow I doubt that. This night is not about whether she will choose Chris (my dad likes to shove balloons up my nose), Brooks (I look like one of the Osmond brothers) or Drew (I am not a heterosexual, I just play one on TV); rather it is about confronting the 22 bozos Des already sent packing!
Before we can relive the entire boring season, Des travels to some “unsuspecting” fans’ houses and crashes their “viewing parties.” For those of you who don’t know what a “viewing party” is, it appears that Bachelorette fans like to get dressed up in full make up and pearls on Monday nights and watch the show in groups of 40 women (and a few men) crammed into a tiny room with a TV and some appetizers. It’s too bad they didn’t stop by my house and barge into my bedroom- I sit around in old, ripped pajamas and occasionally brush Cheetos crumbs off my legs. And I would have told Des to do something useful for a change like help me put away my laundry or do the dishes. Now that’s what I call “reality” TV!
At first, Des and Chris just skulked around the windows at the viewing parties and peered in like a bunch of creepers. Eventually, someone recognized them and let them in, which is a good thing since the police were probably on their way. And since no one actually watched Des’ season, ABC dragged winners from prior seasons to help validate Des and Mr. Lucky’s relationship- JP and Ashley, Jason and Molly (with their baby in tow) and Trista all were there to partake in these viewing parties. (Ryan must be back home babysitting- not sure why Jason and Molly couldn’t ask him to watch their baby too instead of dragging it to random parties) Talk about shamelessly capitalizing on the 3 out of 26 couples who actually stayed together!
Before we can get started grilling the guys, Ali, Ashely and Emily gather to give Des advice about how to handle the “bad boys” of the season. My advice to Des 10 weeks ago would have been for her to stay home and join Match.com. Too late for that now, and Emily, who seems rather angry that she and Jeff broke up and therefore couldn’t attend the viewing parties with the winning couples, tells Des to “rip them a new one.” Ali tells her to have her bulls*** detector out, and wants her to defend herself for women all around the country. Defend women? This show set women back thousands of years with all the crying and sniveling and whining about finding a soul mate- it’s a wonder that members from the National Organization for Women aren’t standing outside waiting to throw rotten eggs at Des when she walks out.
Bring Out the Guys
Finally, the moment no one has been waiting for- we are reunited with all of Des’ rejects. Yes,16 of the good, the bad and the unknowingly gay are sitting on stage, wearing lots of make-up and self tanner, hoping to get a few more minutes of fame- I mean time- with Des. James and Ben’s introductions elicit boos, but Juan Pablo’s appearance earns him lots of cheers despite the fact that no one understood a word he said all season.
Brian, our cast-off with the girlfriend back home declined to appear on the show and the guys think he’s a coward. Actually I think he was pretty smart to avoid subjecting himself to Des and her “journey”- wasn’t he humiliated enough by the sneak attack of the yapping chihuahua girlfriend/ex-girlfriend from back home? We all know how that debacle ended for Brian- with an armed escort out of the mansion and back to Maryland.
Ben is the first guy in the hot seat. We relive Ben’s journey and the audience boos again. Ben says he had a strong relationship with Des. The guys shake their heads. Mikey T. pipes up that Ben was fake and wasn’t himself when he was with Des. Juan Pablo was channeling his inner Taylor Swift, because he knew Ben was trouble when he walked in. Ben’s defense to this is “I don’t know what you are talking about.” Brandon tells him that he didn’t belong on the show. Well that certainly clears things up. #NoThereForTheRightReasons.
Some guy whose name I don’t know tells Ben that he is a bad father, and he knows that because his son Brody’s baby mama approached him in Vegas and told him that she got pregnant with Brody while Ben was cheating on his at-that-time girlfriend. Zak chimes in and tells Ben that Juan Pablo is a good dad because he talks about his daughter all the time. No Zak, Juan Pablo is a good dad because he didn’t pimp out his kid in order to impress a stranger on a reality show. Can’t say the same for Ben, and hopefully his 15 minutes of fame are over.
As we watch James’ journey with Des, I can’t help but notice that he went a little heavy on the spray tan and is the color of an Oompa Loompa. Chris asks James about the conversation in which he said he wanted to be the next Bachelor. James gives a rehearsed, long winded answer similar to one that my 11 year old would give when I call her out on a lie. James says he felt bullied by the other guys and that they ruined his relationship with Des. Boo hoo. Mikey defends James and gets up in Kasey’s face. It’s a whole lot of nothing- just a lot of hens cackling like old women at a Mah Jong game. In the end, Juan Pablo sums it all up by saying that James can’t date his sister or his daughter. #AdiosJames.
Realizing that Juan Pablo is a crowd favorite, Mr. Puss-n-Boots himself takes the hot seat and gets more screen time in this episode than he did all season. If Juan Pablo is going to be the next Bachelor, I hope they plan on putting sub-titles at the bottom of the screen instead of those stupid #BachelornNation tweets. I’m starting to become interested in what he has to say!!
Zak and his very big, very white teeth are next in the hot seat. He is still heartbroken, feels defeated and admits he has a hard time meeting women on an oil rig. In an embarrassing moment, Chris pulls out the journal that Zak gave Des very early on in the season, and read an inscription from Zak in which he professes his love for her in invisible ink. Fortunately, Chris had just the right light to read the poem, which didn’t rhyme. It was no Chris poem, but it was way cooler because it was written in invisible ink.
Des finally makes her appearance and is dressed like a big gold disco ball. She addresses everyone on their bad behavior, starting with fantasy suite creeper. Jonathan, who Des calls a disgrace to all men, issued a sincere apology, thus proving that he came to The Men Tell All filming because a) he is a good guy, or b) his mother is still mortified by his perverted antics after telling all her canasta friends to watch her son the lawyer on TV. Either way, Des accepts the apology and maybe now Jonathan’s mother can finally show her face in the supermarket again.
On to Ben- Des calls him insincere and arrogant. Ben calls her out on the fact that she gave a rose to the douche who treated him like shit for 8 hours. Des says that at least he was an honest douche. Michael admits he was a douche…or asks if he can be excused so he can go douche…I can’t remember. Either way, Ben is through and Michael has a fresh new scent.
There is more back and forth with James and after watching footage of him she calls him manipulative. Ya think? None of Des and James’ conversations are novel or important and in the end James wishes Des luck. At this point Des should have said “I wish you luck with your man boob sweat.” That will teach him to manipulate her!
Chris asks Des what in the world she was thinking when she dumped Juan Pablo. He came on the show to find a good woman; one who will love him and his daughter (who he never exploited). Des still can’t say his name properly, and admits that she got a lot of hate mail after sending him home. Juan Pablo got a lot of attention on this episode for a guy who didn’t even get a one on one. He defies the Latin lover stereotype and just wants to find a woman who will love him and his daughter. Will Juan Pablo be the next Bachelor?
Des turns her attention to Zak and tells him that she didn’t feel an emotional connection and wasn’t sure if he was hiding behind his smile. Zak isn’t finished making a fool of himself and whips out his guitar for one more sad, goodbye song. Some loser in the audience wipes a tear off her face. Get a grip lady. Des tells Zak she hopes he finds peace and love. I hope he finds the America’s Got Talent stage and never brightens my TV screen with that big, goofy, Crest White Strips smile again.
Next week- part one of the two part season finale which promises “unlike anything we’ve ever seen on this show.”