Bachelorette Season 9: The Men Tell All

(Source: ABC)

The Men Tell All

Welcome to The Men Tell All episode of Des’ dramatic journey to find love. According to Chris Harrison, this was “the best Bachelorette season ever”, with the most “shocking event” still yet to come. Somehow I doubt that. This night is not about whether she will choose Chris (my dad likes to shove balloons up my nose), Brooks (I look like one of the Osmond brothers) or Drew (I am not a heterosexual, I just play one on TV); rather it is about confronting the 22 bozos Des already sent packing!

Before we can relive the entire boring season, Des travels to some “unsuspecting” fans’ houses and crashes their “viewing parties.” For those of you who don’t know what a “viewing party” is, it appears that Bachelorette fans like to get dressed up in full make up and pearls on Monday nights and watch the show in groups of 40 women (and a few men) crammed into a tiny room with a TV and some appetizers. It’s too bad they didn’t stop by my house and barge into my bedroom- I sit around in old, ripped pajamas and occasionally brush Cheetos crumbs off my legs. And I would have told Des to do something useful for a change like help me put away my laundry or do the dishes. Now that’s what I call “reality” TV!

At first, Des and Chris just skulked around the windows at the viewing parties and peered in like a bunch of creepers. Eventually, someone recognized them and let them in, which is a good thing since the police were probably on their way. And since no one actually watched Des’ season, ABC dragged winners from prior seasons to help validate Des and Mr. Lucky’s relationship- JP and Ashley, Jason and Molly (with their baby in tow) and Trista all were there to partake in these viewing parties. (Ryan must be back home babysitting- not sure why Jason and Molly couldn’t ask him to watch their baby too instead of dragging it to random parties) Talk about shamelessly capitalizing on the 3 out of 26 couples who actually stayed together!

Bad Boys

Before we can get started grilling the guys, Ali, Ashely and Emily gather to give Des advice about how to handle the “bad boys” of the season. My advice to Des 10 weeks ago would have been for her to stay home and join Match.com. Too late for that now, and Emily, who seems rather angry that she and Jeff broke up and therefore couldn’t attend the viewing parties with the winning couples, tells Des to “rip them a new one.” Ali tells her to have her bulls*** detector out, and wants her to defend herself for women all around the country. Defend women? This show set women back thousands of years with all the crying and sniveling and whining about finding a soul mate- it’s a wonder that members from the National Organization for Women aren’t standing outside waiting to throw rotten eggs at Des when she walks out.

Bring Out the Guys

Finally, the moment no one has been waiting for- we are reunited with all of Des’ rejects. Yes,16 of the good, the bad and the unknowingly gay are sitting on stage, wearing lots of make-up and self tanner, hoping to get a few more minutes of fame- I mean time- with Des. James and Ben’s introductions elicit boos, but Juan Pablo’s appearance earns him lots of cheers despite the fact that no one understood a word he said all season.

Brian, our cast-off with the girlfriend back home declined to appear on the show and the guys think he’s a coward. Actually I think he was pretty smart to avoid subjecting himself to Des and her “journey”- wasn’t he humiliated enough by the sneak attack of the yapping chihuahua girlfriend/ex-girlfriend from back home? We all know how that debacle ended for Brian- with an armed escort out of the mansion and back to Maryland.

Ben

Ben is the first guy in the hot seat. We relive Ben’s journey and the audience boos again. Ben says he had a strong relationship with Des. The guys shake their heads. Mikey T. pipes up that Ben was fake and wasn’t himself when he was with Des. Juan Pablo was channeling his inner Taylor Swift, because he knew Ben was trouble when he walked in. Ben’s defense to this is “I don’t know what you are talking about.” Brandon tells him that he didn’t belong on the show. Well that certainly clears things up. #NoThereForTheRightReasons.

Some guy whose name I don’t know tells Ben that he is a bad father, and he knows that because his son Brody’s baby mama approached him in Vegas and told him that she got pregnant with Brody while Ben was cheating on his at-that-time girlfriend. Zak chimes in and tells Ben that Juan Pablo is a good dad because he talks about his daughter all the time. No Zak, Juan Pablo is a good dad because he didn’t pimp out his kid in order to impress a stranger on a reality show. Can’t say the same for Ben, and hopefully his 15 minutes of fame are over.

James

As we watch James’ journey with Des, I can’t help but notice that he went a little heavy on the spray tan and is the color of an Oompa Loompa. Chris asks James about the conversation in which he said he wanted to be the next Bachelor. James gives a rehearsed, long winded answer similar to one that my 11 year old would give when I call her out on a lie. James says he felt bullied by the other guys and that they ruined his relationship with Des. Boo hoo. Mikey defends James and gets up in Kasey’s face. It’s a whole lot of nothing- just a lot of hens cackling like old women at a Mah Jong game. In the end, Juan Pablo sums it all up by saying that James can’t date his sister or his daughter. #AdiosJames.

Juan Pablo

Realizing that Juan Pablo is a crowd favorite, Mr. Puss-n-Boots himself takes the hot seat and gets more screen time in this episode than he did all season. If Juan Pablo is going to be the next Bachelor, I hope they plan on putting sub-titles at the bottom of the screen instead of those stupid #BachelornNation tweets. I’m starting to become interested in what he has to say!!

Zak

Zak and his very big, very white teeth are next in the hot seat. He is still heartbroken, feels defeated and admits he has a hard time meeting women on an oil rig. In an embarrassing moment, Chris pulls out the journal that Zak gave Des very early on in the season, and read an inscription from Zak in which he professes his love for her in invisible ink. Fortunately, Chris had just the right light to read the poem, which didn’t rhyme. It was no Chris poem, but it was way cooler because it was written in invisible ink.

Des

Des finally makes her appearance and is dressed like a big gold disco ball. She addresses everyone on their bad behavior, starting with fantasy suite creeper. Jonathan, who Des calls a disgrace to all men, issued a sincere apology, thus proving that he came to The Men Tell All filming because a) he is a good guy, or b) his mother is still mortified by his perverted antics after telling all her canasta friends to watch her son the lawyer on TV. Either way, Des accepts the apology and maybe now Jonathan’s mother can finally show her face in the supermarket again.

On to Ben- Des calls him insincere and arrogant. Ben calls her out on the fact that she gave a rose to the douche who treated him like shit for 8 hours. Des says that at least he was an honest douche. Michael admits he was a douche…or asks if he can be excused so he can go douche…I can’t remember. Either way, Ben is through and Michael has a fresh new scent.

There is more back and forth with James and after watching footage of him she calls him manipulative. Ya think? None of Des and James’ conversations are novel or important and in the end James wishes Des luck. At this point Des should have said “I wish you luck with your man boob sweat.” That will teach him to manipulate her!

Chris asks Des what in the world she was thinking when she dumped Juan Pablo. He came on the show to find a good woman; one who will love him and his daughter (who he never exploited). Des still can’t say his name properly, and admits that she got a lot of hate mail after sending him home. Juan Pablo got a lot of attention on this episode for a guy who didn’t even get a one on one. He defies the Latin lover stereotype and just wants to find a woman who will love him and his daughter. Will Juan Pablo be the next Bachelor?

Des turns her attention to Zak and tells him that she didn’t feel an emotional connection and wasn’t sure if he was hiding behind his smile. Zak isn’t finished making a fool of himself and whips out his guitar for one more sad, goodbye song. Some loser in the audience wipes a tear off her face. Get a grip lady. Des tells Zak she hopes he finds peace and love. I hope he finds the America’s Got Talent stage and never brightens my TV screen with that big, goofy, Crest White Strips smile again.

Next week- part one of the two part season finale which promises “unlike anything we’ve ever seen on this show.”

Bachelorette Season 9: Episode 5

J.Crew catalog? No, it's the Bachelorette in the German Alps! Photo credit: abc.com

J.Crew catalog? No, it’s the Bachelorette in the German Alps! Photo credit: abc.com

By Denise Weiss

Worst Date Ever!

Welcome to week 5. The remaining “however many” guys pack their bags, don their best hoodies and head to Munich, Germany. I know it’s week 5, but I still can’t tell the guys apart and don’t really know their names. The men arrive and are greeted by Chris Harrison who tells them that there are 3 dates this week- a one on one, a group date, and the dreaded two on one. The guys head to the hotel, find the date card and Chris butchers the German language as he reads the card aloud. He is excited despite having no idea what the card says. At least it was better than Kasey’s attempt to speak German #IWillHappilyInGermanyKissYou. In case you didn’t know, this is Des’s first time in Europe.

Chris’s One on One

Des and Chris hit the streets of Munich armed with a map and a camera crew. They eat sausage, ask street vendors stupid questions and try on lederhosen which makes Chris look like Pinocchio with a 5 o’clock shadow. They take to the streets again, stumble across some street musicians and dance to polka music. They are having an amazing time, and Chris says “I don’t think anything can go wrong.” Uh oh. Those words are the perfect date kiss of death.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel room, Bryden tells the guys that he has decided to go home, and he must interrupt Des’s date with Chris RIGHT NOW so that he can break up with her. In an attempt to locate Des IMMEDIATELY, Bryden randomly walks up to people on the street and asks them if they have seen a television camera crew. My guess is that it would have been easier for Bryden to turn around to the camera crew who was taping him looking for Des and ask where Des and Chris were, but stopping strangers on the street made for more dramatic television. Bryden finally stumbles upon Chris and Des dancing in the town square. After watching them dance for a while, Bryden finally makes his presence known and asks Chris for permission to interrupt the date. Bryden sits Des down, and tells her that since he has fulfilled his life long dream of flying to Germany with 10 of his special “girlfriends,” he no longer has any use for her and is going home. The camera pans to 2 pigeons whose relationship is more exciting than Des and Bryden’s (or Des and anyone else for that matter). It’s a real shame that Bryden is going home just when Michael figured out the perfect amount of gel for Bryden’s hair. Bye bye Bryden- don’t let the wiener schnitzel hit you on the ass on the way out!

Des questions whether the remaining guys are here for the right reason, but she is determined that Bryden’s leaving will not affect her date with Chris. She does a good job of hiding her disappointment, except for all the crying and mascara running down her face.

After some reassurance and beer chugging, Chris and Des head out for a romantic dinner. Chris is the relationship guy, and says he is ready to start family and build a life. Des trusts Chris, because, you know, they have known each other for so long. #eyeroll

Lucky for us, Chris was bored on the plane and wrote another poem. The poem makes me throw up a little in my mouth, but Des digs it and Chris gets a big kiss and a rose. (To clarify- Chris gets the kiss from Des, not me, which is better since I still have a little bit of throw up in my mouth from listening to Chris’s poem). Des and Chris are then surprised by yet another private freaking concert. EHH-NUFF with the lame private concerts already.

Group Date

The group date card arrives and asks Juan Pablo, James, Drew, Zak, Kasey, Brooks, Mikey to “climb the highest mountain.” This means that Michael and Ben will be on the two on one date. Shocking how that played out huh? Ben feels sorry for Michael because he believes that he has a stronger connection with Des. Michael finds the two on one with Ben repulsive but plans on accepting the challenge to show Des that Ben is a fraud. Michael, who remember is a Federal Prosecutor, is going to use this “gladiator style setting” to murder Ben. I don’t know which is more disturbing- the murder reference or that fact that Michael thinks he is Spartacus.

Back on the group date, Des and the boys hop in a gondola, travel to the highest mountain peak in Germany and marvel at the beauty of the top of the trees and fog. When they finally break through the clouds, the view was majestic until it was interrupted by Old Yeller’s cousin, “Old Yodeler”. After failing miserably at learning to yodel, Des and the boys slide down the mountain on tiny little sleds and basically pile up onto each other. Then they have the mandatory Bachelorette snowball fight.

Things start to heat up when Des and the guys head to an indoor hotel-igloo-fort thing, complete with couches and a plate full of pretzels. Brooks talks with Des about his emotional process during the group date, and tells her how he soaked it all in and lived in the moment. Des grabs him mid sentence and they make out, big time!

Mikey (who has great dimples BTW) wants to make a Mikey and Des snowman family of like 5 or 10. Zak interrupts their snowman family building time with a big yodel and Mikey T calls him a “singing jackass”, which is an appropriate and accurate description if I say so myself. Des responds by yodeling back like the Swiss Miss. Great, now Des thinks she’s Heidi.

Des ditches Mikey and hangs with Zak, who tells her that when he was in college, he thought he was going to be a priest until he went on a soul searching mission at the top of a mountain and realized he was not supposed to be priest. Now he’s on a similar mission 10 years later, on the same mountain! I anticipate the same outcome. The priesthood wasn’t your calling, and neither is Des.

James and Des hang out in a back ice bedroom and make out while Brooks leans in and watches. Drew, who is wearing a scarf that no man should ever wear, calls James a vulgar, two faced player. James is confident that he is going to get the group date rose, but in the end it goes to creeper in the hallway Brooks.

Two on One Date- Michael and Ben

While the guys are freezing their asses off in the German ice brothel, back at the warm hotel Ben, Michael and Chris are staring at each other. The random hotel hallway coffee table followed them from Atlantic City to Germany, knocks on the hotel door and hands them the two on one date card.

Even before the date begins, Michael’s blood is ready to boil and he declares “today is Armageddon.” Michael thinks Des wants his help in exposing Ben’s evil ways. Unless someone has committed a federal crime, no one really needs Michael’s help for anything.

Des tells Ben and Michael to change into bathing suits so they can take the polar bear plunge in the icy lake. The threesome come out wrapped in terrycloth bathrobes. For some unknown reason, Michael ties the bathrobe sash around his head like a headband. Des is a trickster and instead of going in the freezing lake, they go in a hot tug. Des thinks the hot tug is best invention ever. Personally I think the Keurig is the best invention ever, but to each his own.

Michael listens as Ben talks about himself and looks bored and irritated. He calls Ben out on his baby mama drama, and tells Ben how bad it is for a kid to have a father who is never around. I can’t hear Ben’s answer over the sound of the water hitting the side of the tug.

Des is uncomfortable with Michael’s confrontation, and it doesn’t get any better at dinner when Michael calls Ben out on not going to church on Easter, not calling his son and not making friends with the other bros. Des tries to change the conversation and talks about important family traditions- which for her were pulling up the tent stakes every Sunday. Ben does an amazing job of not getting tangled in Michael’s cross-examination, and finally gets up from the table. Michael just keeps right on eating. Des shoots Michael a death glare and starts calling Michael out on his behavior, telling him that she isn’t comfortable that he is so aggressive. Now Michael is upset that his chances for a rose have gone up in flames. Des threatens to send both of them home, which is the smartest thing that she has said to date.

After a lot of ridiculous back and forth between Michael and Ben and Des and blah blah blah, Des decides to give the rose to the man she can see a future with. In a shocking twist, Michael gets the rose and Ben storms out! Once he is safely in the limo, Ben shows his true colors- he wants to get drunk in Munich, pick up some women, babbles something about Hollywood and drops a lot of F-bombs. Goodbye crazy Ben! The other boys have stayed up way past their bedtime to see who is going home, and hoot and holler when Ben’s bag is taken away.

Cocktail Party and Rose Ceremony

Before the cocktail party starts, Des and Chris Harrison sit down to have a little chat about the one on one date with Chris, Bryden’s departure and …

ZZZZzzzzzzz…..

OOPPS, sorry, I was so bored that I fell asleep… where was I…Oh yes, Des and her boring trip to Munich.

Michael’s confrontation with Ben must have lit a fire under Kasey and Drew, who are now gunning for James. Apparently James isn’t here for right reasons, rather, he is in it for the publicity and plans on using his newfound fame as a stepping stone for him and Mikey to go out on his boat and meet beautiful, tall, rich women. Kasey and Drew are going to use the cocktail party to tell Des all about James and his wicked plan.

Chris Harrison and Des walk in to the cocktail party room and Des tells the guys that she is positive who she will be sending home, so there is no need for a cocktail party. James bellows “you look beautiful” and Drew and Kasey’s plan to destroy James has been foiled!

Let the rose ceremony begin- Chris, Brooks and Michael have roses and are safe this week. The next four roses go to Zak, Kasey, Juan Pablo, and Drew. The last rose goes to James, sending Mikey and his snowballs back home. I find it strange that Juan Pablo keeps getting roses and hope that next time Chris writes a poem, Juan Pablo will read it to us in his sexy accent.

Drew is at a loss that James received a rose, and calls him an “immature, shallow, materialistic and self serving cancer”. Kasey’s blood boils. Wow- there was a lot of blood boiling this week.

Next week – cat fights and man tears in Barcelona!

Newlyweds: Episode 8, season finale

Kim faces her fear of Dolphins. Photo credit: Bravotv.com

Kim faces her fear of Dolphins. Photo credit: Bravotv.com

By: Lesley Rousso

The finale begins in Mexico, while Kim and Alaska are on their honeymoon.  It’s also been about a year since they wed.   Kim allegedly loves adventure trips so Alaska plans a private swim with the dolphins.  Yeah, adventure, not so much.  Kim completely freaks out and she panics.  I understand panicking, I do.  When it comes to climbing a mountain, or riding a very scary roller coaster.  Honestly, swimming with dolphins is exhilarating, not scary!  They’re essentially the aquatic dog Kim.  She’s especially freaked out by the blowhole, which is a little strange but whatever.  They have a sexy shower scene together after a couples massage and spend the last night dining on the beach.  It was definitely good quality time for them as they spend a lot of time apart.  Alaska admits he likes spending time away from each other because it keeps things exciting.  It’s hard for them, I think, because they are still really getting to know each other.

Blair and Jeff begin the episode by visiting a Malibu sex therapist.  They talk with her about the beginning of their relationship when everything was new and exciting, and they were having sex twice a day.  Blair’s complaint is now that it’s only once a week.  Umm boys, news flash, everyone experiences that.  Problem is, Jeff is clearly not “the master of his domain” (thanks Jerry Seinfeld), having fun alone three times a day Now that’s a little odd, considering they’ve only been married a year and they have no kids.  I’d also be paranoid if I were Blair, wouldn’t you?  The therapist has them role play and pretend they are each other on an average night at home.  They both recognize their faults and make a promise to try to do things to spice it up.

Kathryn and John are deep in labor with their baby boy.  After a C-section adorable baby Dean is born.  John of course, makes it all about himself. He tells Kathryn that he almost fainted and threw up when he watched the baby being “yanked out, with blood and guts everywhere”.  Charming, isn’t he?  Flash to a couple of months later and John says he was freaked out by all the attention Dean was getting from Kathryn.  He says then, that that’s okay though because if she’s doing everything for the baby, he doesn’t have to.  He does tell Kathryn that she’s the reason their tanning salon is a success and manages to change a diaper.  They end the year by moving the pool table to the basement.

Tina meets with her Dad who has summoned her to talk, in a hookah lounge in LA.  Tina takes a shot of whiskey beforehand and things get a little, shall we say, loud.  Dad tells Tina that he’s getting married.  Tina of course, as the rest of us do, assume it’s Heather aka “Nurse Lunatic”.  Even stranger, he’s marrying Seema, an Indian woman he describes as “not pretty like Heather”.  Tina totally loses it and they argue.  Her dad explains that he is lonely and his new wife will be her new mother.  Meanwhile, Tina and Tarz go back to the doctor for an ultrasound.  Honestly, Dr. Sawyer kinda creeps me out, using the words, cancer, tumor and mass unnecessarily.  They find out that there’s no reason she cannot carry a child after her miscarriage.  Yay!  Tina subsequently meets Seema and approves of the relationship.  Dad and Seema, also a widow, get married. On a side note, who knew Indian weddings were so theatrical?  Lots of dancing and skits going on.  Tina admits the first year of marriage sucked.  Tarz says he knows he didn’t live up to what he should’ve as a mate.  The episode ends one month later at Tina and Tarz’s house in South Carolina.  Tina is in the bathroom, showing us her stomach and the little bulge she has that won’t go away.  She takes a test and holds it up to the mirror and we see the first line.  Slowly, the other line starts fading in.  Yesterday courtesy of Us Magazine, we saw a photo of baby Tarz, now two weeks old.

So year one is over, they all had trials and tribulations, but they made it.  Welcome to marriage guys, just remember that nothing worthwhile is easy.

Will we see you again?  Will there be new “Newlyweds”?  I personally would watch the Tina and Tarz show, they are hysterical.  I would also watch another crop of the newly married.  Hell, at this point I’d watch anything mildly entertaining that doesn’t involve the Amish.  That’s another story though…