RHOBH Episode 15: Trail of Doubts

Best frenemies? Brandi and Kyle go walking. Photo: bravotv.com

Best frenemies? Brandi and Kyle go walking. Photo: bravotv.com

By Lesley Rousso

The episode opens as Yolanda arrives at Mohammed‘s house to plan Gigi‘s graduation party.  They will be using the same Arabic room we’ve seen in seasons past.  Yolanda and Mohammed have a nice relationship, she tells us that they focus on their three children instead of what they don’t like about one another.  Shiva, Mohammed’s fiance will help plan as well, considering the party is at her house.  Gigi wants her dad to cook for her and Mohammed agrees.  Really cute.  My husband doesn’t cook, besides grilling, but I would love to think he would cook for a big party if his girl wanted him to. They begin to discuss David‘s daughter’s wedding which was held at Mohammed’s house.  Yolanda brings up Lisa‘s party, which was the same night and Mohammed tells her that Lisa invited him.  Yolanda is annoyed at this, saying that Lisa knew she would be at the wedding. Lisa did know, as she told Kyle and Kevin Lee the week before.  Clearly Lisa and Ken weren’t invited, which Lisa didn’t make any catty remarks about, of course Kyle put her two cents in.  What’s the big deal?  Is Lisa not allowed to have a party the same night as a wedding she wasn’t invited to?  Yolanda is obviously still upset that Lisa didn’t attend the painting party.

Kyle and Mauricio play basketball in their yard and talk to Alexia who they’ve agreed to let go on a weekend alone with her friends.  They make her promise to be responsible and make smart decisions.  Kyle tells us that everything with her kids worries her, which those of us with kids can totally relate to.  Kyle and Mauricio decide to join Joyce and Michael in Puerto Rico for the Queen of the Universe Pageant.  

Carlton arrives at Stock and Cross, The Gebbia family’s  investment business.  It’s the fortieth anniversary and they are planning a huge party for their clients.  Kyle tells Mauricio that she was uninvited to the party but Mauricio was still welcome to attend.  Really, are you kidding me (In my best Carlton accent)?  Tacky.  They get a good laugh over this and Kyle explains that it was unnecessary for Carlton to disinvite her, she wouldn’t have gone anyway.  At this point these two just need to just exist around one another.  They will never be friends.

Joyce joins her personal trainer, Rob, and current Queen of the Universe, Ivette, for a backyard work out.  Joyce lets us know that working out is not her thing.  She also says she wasn’t raised with the “Golden Crib” as they say.  I think “they” say silver spoon, but maybe it gets lost in translation with her.

Yolanda preps for her citizenship test with David asking her the questions.  She explains that since her children and now David are American citizens, it’s important for her to be one too.  She’s a little worried because the Lyme disease has really affected her brain. She gets the majority of the questions right, as did I, thank god.

The night arrives of the Stock Cross party and you can totally tell that Carlton was in charge of decor.  Aside from a couple of orchids, all I’m noticing is balloons.  When will people realize that balloons, unless you’re at a child’s birthday party, are not a good choice for centerpieces? Ken and Lisa arrive, bypassing the line, LVP looking stunning.  They greet Carlton, and look around a little.  Ken goes to get drinks and Lisa tells Carlton that she may have overreacted to Kyle’s comment.  Once again defending Kyle. It’s unfortunate that Kyle never does the same, as we’ll see later in the episode.  Carlton is hurt by Kyle’s comment that she’s anti-semitic.  Lisa continues to tell Carlton to work it out with her.  Carlton starts to cry and says she never judges people. That’s really funny, because she seems to over judge some people.  Lisa and Ken stay for a while and on their way out run into Kim.  In my opinion and the twitterspheres opinion, Kim was a little loopy.  She tells them she’s still mad at them for not attending Kimberly’s party.  To quote Carlton again, “Are you f*ucking serious?”.  Enough Kim, move on!  Brandi comes in too and she and Kim sit down and proceed to bash LVP.  She tells Kim that going to Lisa’s house was difficult because she had the Sur staff there and she had to see Scheana.  Seriously? She goes on to say that she shouldn’t have to see her at Lisa’s house.  Okay, I get that, but it seems to me she always engages Scheana.  She was at Kyle’s too in the first episode.  I think Brandi is grasping for a reason to hate Lisa at this point. Kim tells us that it’s hard to catch Lisa doing her “naughtiness”.

Yolanda’s big day arrives and she has a private test with her lawyer in the immigration officer’s office. I am quite sure not everyone gets that little perk.  She passes, of course.  Congrats Yolanda!

Lisa prepares for a photo shoot and Stassi is there to help the stylist.  They hang out in Lisa’s closet as Lisa gets coiffed and pampered.  Giggy, in his tux, grumpily watches as Stassi asks Lisa if there is anything in her closet that she can take.  Lisa tells her she just gave a bunch of stuff away to the girls’ foster home and Stassi is horrified and baffled.  Lisa does her shoot and nails it.

Brandi and Kyle meet up to gossip, oops I mean exercise.  Kyle tells Brandi about the trip to Puerto Rico and Brandi kind of invites herself.  On Joyce’s trip Brandi? Delusional! They move on to other subjects.  Brandi asks Kyle about her relationship with Lisa and how she managed to move forward with someone who has said such terrible things about her.  I think Kyle was an equal part the demise of their friendship, don’t you?  Kyle says that Lisa and her haven’t been so close but lately Lisa has been calling Kyle every morning, which Kyle knew meant there was a problem between LVP and Brandi.  Brandi tells us that every morning she’d get a call from Lisa to discuss everything under the sun and the calls just trickled off.  Brandi says she doesn’t understand how Lisa could go from hating Kyle to then having her back.  She says she feels like Lisa is cheating on her.  Kyle says she gets along with Lisa but she knows who Lisa is and that she’ll never change.  They’re so hypocritical because they used to talk just as much crap about each other.  Now what, they’re bonding over bashing LVP?

They flashback to the scene of Lisa chiding Mauricio in front of Portia about being seen with a younger woman.  Probably not the best comment, especially in front of Portia, but Kyle says horrible things about Lisa all the time, behind her back.  Brandi tells Kyle that “although Lisa has never asked her to say or do anything specific, she still feels manipulated by her to do things.”  So now Brandi is blaming Lisa for opening her large drunken mouth? You’re grasping darling.  Be responsible for your own actions!  Kyle of course enables her and they have the stupid chess comment conversation.  Kyle tells her she’s been there, done that.  Kyle goes on to say that unless you’re kissing Lisa’s ass, she doesn’t like it. That’s funny because I thought the same thing about Kyle.  Brandi continues on and says she’s planning for Lisa to ruin her and she’s not prepared for it.   I guess she made up her mind, spreading false rumors on her recent podcast that Lisa and Ken filed for bankruptcy, an item Radar Online had to then rescind after reporting it.

Next week: the girls head to Mohammed’s for Gigi’s party and there’s tension between Lisa and Brandi and Lisa and Kyle.  Stay tuned…

RHOBH Episode 13: The Curse of Carlton/ Episode 14: The Birthday Witch

Things are about to get nipply!  Photo: bravotv.com

Things are about to get nipply!
Photo: bravotv.com

By Lesley Rousso

The episode begins at Carlton’s house as she’s preparing for her pool party.  She and her daughters are blowing up their own balloons and putting together some paper decorations. Her girls ask her why they can’t stay and Carlton replies with, “because it’s an adult party.”  Why is is she using decor then, that I wouldn’t use at my dog’s party, let alone a child’s party?  I’m talking dollar store cardboard star cutouts.  I’m sorry to go on here, but I am a stickler for details.  It’s all in the details folks.  Anyway, husband David leaves to drop the kids off at Grandma’s and Carlton continues decorating (?) Goody bags come courtesy of Hustler, and of course, the official house party food of the Real Housewives of BH, Fatburger arrives.  They must get a discount.  Meanwhile a bevy of naked girls have their bodies painted in Carlton’s playroom.

We meet Kim at the Autograph and Pop Culture show as she meets her fans.  Now besides Kim, in attendance are Ami Dolenz, Richard Chamberlain and Diane Franklin, remember her from Better Off Dead? Bravo TV, if people actually leave their houses to drag their lazy butts to see these people, can you imagine what Bravo Con would look like?  Kim has a stack of pics from when she was probably sixteen and she autographs them and poses for photos with random weirdos.  Then Jimmy McNichol, who looks alarmingly like his sister Kristy, comes up and asks Kim why they never dated.  You’d think that would be the highlight right?  Wrong, some crazy comes up and has Kim hold a doll that looks like a cross between a monkey and a monster.  It looks like it’s breathing.  Creepy.

Back over at the naked pool party Carlton greets her girlfirend, oops I mean Elizy and the naked gals begin serving cocktails.  Brandi gets there with several friends in tow as do Ken and Lisa with Giggy in tow.  Yeah, this is not the caliber of party one would see at Villa Rosa.  Yolanda gets there next as Lisa is continuing to tell Brandi to see a doctor for her hand. (Last week’s boxing epi).  Brandi is having none of it, (Foreshadowing) and stalks away.  Lisa seriously just can’t seem to help herself, she has to mother people.  Yolanda tells her to just leave it alone.  Everyone watches the pole dancers for a while, ultra classy, and Joyce and Michael join the fun.  Kyle and Mauricio get there too and Kyle is literally wearing a mumu.  It’s like a Grandma dress, I don’t get it.

Anyway, Kyle asks to see Carltons new tattoo.  Kyle says “Is that a Jewish star?” to which Carlton responds with a very annoyed “Really?”  Carlton is totally in the right here.  It is without a doubt a regular star, actually one of the pentagram variety, not the Star of David.  Kyle, who converted to Judaism should be embarrassed, mainly because she looked very foolish asking this question.  She tried to redeem herself by claiming that Carlton was the rude one with the way she responded.  No Kyle, Carlton just thought you looked stupid, big difference, don’t pull the anti-Semitic card.  I’m Jewish and I’m more offended by the fact that Kyle doesn’t know the diff between a Pentagram and a Star of David.  Especially for someone who converted.  Converts are often more religious than those of us born into it.  The party drags on, Kyle refuses to go swimming  saying it looks like a lot of cooties are in the pool.  Yolanda gets in with Brandi and her friends and Kyle passes out french fries, saying they’re all too skinny.  Of course Joyce opts out, saying she doesn’t want other people’s DNA on her.  Kyle gives Carlton her necklace, after Carlton admires it.  Trying to smooth things over obviously, though I’m not sure how comfortable Carlton is with this gesture.

The next day in Malibu (sigh) Yolanda is making lemonade and waiting for the girls to come over.  She is making a picture wall for Gigi‘s new apartment in New York, similar to the one in their house, so she’s asked the girls to come over and paint with her.  Yolanda brings everything upstairs to ab breatakingly beautiful outside patio.  Kyle won’t be attending as she is at Days of Our Lives filming a role as a talent agent.  I tune in once in a while as Days has always been my fave daytime soap, I was once a huge Hope and Bo fan!

Yolanda receives a last minute call from Lisa telling her she can’t make it,which upsets her.  Joyce arrives with a cake in hand followed by Carlton, who appears frazzled and slightly hung over.  The three start to hed up to the patio and Joyce says, we really don’t need the wine, maybe when Brandi gets here she’ll want it.  This pisses off Carlton who asks Joyce to please not label Brandi.  Joyce tries to say that she wasn’t but it was a pretty transparent comment.  Brandi gets there and Yo tells the girls how Lisa canceled.  Brandi throws her under the bus in the interview saying that Lisa was annoyed at how far Malibu is.  Brandi complains about her broken hand, which LVP said was broken, of course she gives her no credit here.  They paint in the idyllic setting, David visits for a sec and then Carlton asks if anyone is talking shit about her.  She says she had a dream that Kyle was talking negatively about her religion.  Brandi says that the only person she would express that to would probably be Joyce.  Joyce says if she has a problem that she should talk to Kyle. Carlton goes on, saying Kyle is definitely talking shit.  Joyce says she doesn’t understand why Carlton just doesn’t talk to Kyle.  Brandi says jokingly that Kyle’s afraid she’ll cast a spell on her.  So Joyce chimes in with, “Spells only get to you if you believe in it.”  Carlton says, “No that’s bullshit.  Don’t come at me and say you don’t believe it, when you go home tonight watch out.”

The next day, Joyce meets Kim and tells her what happened at Yolanda’s and that something did in fact happen to her.  Her husband Michael who apparently believes in energies and spells, got deathly ill.  Dun dun dunnnnnn…

Episode 14: The Birthday Witch

The episode opens with Lisa at Villa Blanca meeting Kevin Lee to plan Ken’s birthday party.  Kyle joins them because it will be a joint birthday party for Mauricio as well.  They decide to do an elegant dinner, after Carlton’s super classy Fourth of July party.

Brandi arrives to do her book cover photo shoot and starts looking at her choice of dresses.  Her new book editor introduces herself and starts barking orders.  The team is less than thrilled but they do as she asks and the cover looks great when all is said and done.

Carlton gets an invitation to meet Joyce for lunch which she finds very strange.  Carlton jumps right in though telling Joyce that she has a problem with her flippancy*. Yet again Joyce asks, “What’s flippancy?” Carlton tells her that it means being dismissive and Joyce says,  “But I haven’t been flippanty.”  Joyce tells her she respects her religion but she needs to know that Carlton is not doing any spells on her.  To which Carlton responds, “Are you f*cking kidding me?” Joyce tells her what happened to Michael.  Carlton tells her that she doesn’t practice dark spells anymore because you pay a price.  She goes on to say that when she had children she knew the black magic had to stop.  Joyce tells her she needs to know that her child is not going to “fall down a ladder”.  Carlton tells her not to ever mention children.  My question is what the heck would her child be doing on a ladder?  Carlton assures her she wouldn’t ever do anything to her or her family.

Kim heads to the tattoo parlor with her daughter to get matching butterfly tattoos, before she leaves for college.  At the same time Yolanda starts to pack up Gigi for college in New York.  Very cute mother daughter scenes.  The matching tattoo thing is a little much, but to each her own.

At Lisa’s house, Kevin and Kyle arrive to see what’s happening for the upcoming birthday party.  Of course the setting is beautiful and of course Lisa and Kevin shoot down Kyle’s ideas.  They do however decide it’s a great idea to have water dancers, hmm.  The next day, Ken and Lisa get ready and Rocio and Ken dress Giggy in his tux.  Lisa looks stunning as does the table.  Honestly Carlton, this is where you need to pay attention.  Scheana and Stassi arrive to serve and Peter and Jax tend bar although the party is not being catered by Sur or Villa Blanca.  Carlton and David get there, along with Pandora and Jason.  Brandi gets there, bringing JR as her date as he was invited too.  Kyle and Mauricio come late to which Lisa makes a remark. Kyle tells us that clearly Kevin and Lisa wanted all control so it didn’t really matter what time they showed up.  Brandi sips on a vodka soda, saying this is her cleanse, because it has no sugar.  Lisa tells Brandi she should congratulate Scheana on getting engaged.  Brandi is all, why should I?  I agree with Brandi here, I really do.  Meanwhile the bathing beauties step into the pool to do their interpretive dance and one promptly slips and falls on her ass.  Lisa tells Kevin, hey they’re supposed to be synchronized swimmers, tell them to get into the water.  Lisa then forces Kevin and Jax into the pool with the “swimmers”.

They take their seats at the table and start toasting.  Ken makes a silly toast and Kyle stands on ceremony.  Lisa totally mocks her which is really funny.  I’m #sorrynotsorry but LVP can do no wrong in my book.   Then a  strolling singer/songwriter comes to the table and he sings a ridiculous song about Ken and Mauricio.  Ken says, maybe you can sing a Jewish song and Kyle breaks into the Hava Nagila and Brandi starts singing the Dreidel song. Then they all give Brandi and JR crap about their on again off again relationship. Pandora and Jason present Ken with a huge portrait of Giggy in a tux.  At first they joke that it’s a naked picture of Lisa and the whole three-fourths  of a nipple thing comes up.  So Kyle tells Lisa to explain to her, which infuriates Carlton because Kyle is calling her “her”.  Kyle tells her to relax and Carlton tells her that she has a feeling that Kyle has been talking shit about her.  She goes on to say that Kyle was overheard at the pool party saying how disgusting the bathroom was.  So Kyle says that this is her husband’s birthday, it’s not the time and Carlton says, I don’t care. Kyle responds with I’ve been nothing but f*cking nice to you.  Carlton disagrees, and tells her she’s passive aggressive, and voices escalate.  Kyle tells Carlton to let her talk, explaining Lisa’s nipple joke, LVP nods in agreement and Carlton tells Kyle “Don’t you dare come on to me, you don’t dare come on me.”  They fight back and forth.  Carlton tells Kyle she’s not genuine and tells her she cleansed the necklace she gave her. Kyle accuses Carlton of lying about what she said when she gave her the necklace.  Carlton then brings up the tattoo thing and Kyle says, if you don’t want to be judged for being a wiccan, don’t act like a witch. Kyle accuses her of being anti-semitic.  Carlton gets pissed, gets up and walks away.  Lisa goes after Carlton and sticks up for Kyle, and Carlton and David leave.  Even Brandi agrees that Carlton was making something out of nothing.  Another Dinner Party from Hell in the books.  At least Brandi wasn’t involved this time!

Next week:  Kyle and Mauricio are uninvited to David and Carlton’s company party, Kim, Brandi and Kyle talk crap about Lisa and its the beginning of the end.  Stay tuned…

RHOBH Episode 11: Luaus And Lies

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Brandi and Joyce hug it out? Photo credit: Bravotv.com

The episode begins with Kim, daughter Kimberly and Kyle and daughter Alexia getting coiffed and waxed.  The waxing tech pulls out two very realistic looking vibrators for them to squeeze during the process to forget about the pain.  Okay, can’t say I’ve ever seen that before.  I’ve seen vibrators obviously, just not being held by someone who is about to wax me.  Who are this womans client’s for godsakes? Kim then gets her nose hair waxed. Inside of her nose.  Can’t say I’ve done that either, that sounds way too painful!  It’s nice to see the sisters getting along and having fun.

Meanwhile over at the pole dancing place, Brandi and Carlton take a class with some other friends.  Carlton arrives drunk.  Can’t fault her there, drunk is the only way I’d take that class.  She spends some time feeling up her friend Tara and then makes her way to her own pole.  She tells us she loves the female body.  Yeah, no shit.  She even licks the pole which is disgusting considering there are strangers random body parts all over those things!  Anyway, the girls prepare to go to Kimberly’s graduation party after class and Carlton asks if they can bring liquor with them.  Brandi tells her that it’s probably not a good idea considering Kim is an alcoholic and Kimberly is underage.  Umm, ya think?

At Kim’s house, she sets up for the graduation party luau.  Think lots of flower leis and bamboo tiki things.  The Fatburger truck arrives, do Kim and Kyle have a stake in this company?  Just asking cause it’s always at their parties!  The guests begin to arrive including Kimberly’s dad John with her stepmom Sheri and younger sister.  Joyce gets there, looking completely insane.  I’m starting to think she shops at the same store as Gretchen Rossi (costumeexpress.com).  Brandi and Carlton get there and decide to stop for a burger outside before going in, which Kyle thinks is odd.  While waiting for their burgers, some gross guy texts Brandi a picture of his penis.  Classy. The two make it in finally.  Carlton completely agreed with me telling us that Joyce looks ridiculous even asking her if she’s performing this evening.  The woman is wearing fake hibiscus flowers on top of her head.  She looks like a showgirl.  Anyway, Carlton goes up to the bar and orders something “fruity with alcohol”.  The bartender informs her that there’s only a few beers.  Carlton then says “That just won’t do, we’re alcoholics!”.  Probably not the best place to make that remark.  Don’t worry though, in case you missed it, Joyce tells us exactly how bad it was.  Brandi, who really is not drunk then runs to the bathroom to throw up.  Carlton, who is drunk, follows and starts talking to her through the wrong door.  Carlton and Brandi then make a quick exit, in a cab.  Kim then gives a sweet little toast to her daughter and they watch a slide show, which of course as a mommy and a sap, made me cry.

Lisa’s closet or Mecca as I like to refer to it is where the next scene takes place.  She and Rocio are going through clothes to donate and Rumpy Pumpy, LVP’s new puppy starts to eat one of the dresses.  He’s so cute!  Lisa is going through the dresses to donate to teenage girls living in foster homes to wear to their proms.  Those are some kinda hand me downs.  Lisa calls Carlton and asks if she has anything to donate and then decides to have all the girls over the next day to bring dresses.

Meanwhile over at Joyce’s house, a camera crew sets up to do an anti-bullying campaign shoot with her.  She poses, giving the camera the finger and flipping her hair around.  Honestly she should’ve gotten a manicure, knowing her fingers would be featured here.

The next day Lisa has everyone over at the breakfast hour, because she considers it a civilized hour.  Joyce gets there first with a few pageant dresses.  Really. They go outside and Kim arrives with like seven dresses, apologizing, saying that she’ll bring more.  Kim then CHASTISES Lisa, pay attention Joyce, for not making it to Kimberly’s graduation party.  Lisa replies telling Kim she knows she was in Missouri doing the alopecia event with Giggy and Ken. Kim tells her, that’s not true, my hairdresser saw you at Sur.  Lisa tells us, that they went all the way to Missouri to celebrate the children with alopecia because Giggy is committed to it.  Kim continues to argue to the point where Ken pulls up photos on his phone for her to see from the trip.  I love that he’s defending Lisa here even though last week they disagreed on whether or not Michael should defend Joyce.  Kim tells us that all they had to do was say they weren’t able to make it.

Well, in the next segment Lisa tells us they RSVP’d their regrets two weeks in advance and sent a gift from Tiffany.  Kim, what’s the problem here?  The rudeness lies with you for unnecessarily calling them out.  She keeps on, saying my hairdresser saw you and all the other girls came, blah, blah, blah.  Ken responds saying, “I’m sure there’s a lot of things Kim hasn’t turned up for.”  Lisa, saved by the doorbell gets up and Kim tells Ken that his remark was uncalled for.  Ken, who I love so much, then says “Really? I was protecting my wife.”

Brandi gets there, Lisa fills her in on Kim’s argument with her and Brandi gives her dresses.  Ken comes in, trying to make a quick retreat but Lisa makes him stay.  Kyle gets there with Roxy, her dog.  I’m not sure why she brought her but apparently Roxy has just killed a rabbit.  Lisa wants to put Giggy inside because he’s the same size as a rabbit.  I’m laughing here because once I thought my dog killed a possum.  Turned out that vicious thing was just playing possum.  Super fun!  Anyhow, Lisa and Kyle walk off with Kim and Roxy and leave Brandi and Joyce alone to talk.  They go over the same stupid conversation for the one hundredth and twenty-seventh time.  Carlton arrives last while the two are talking and then everyone just butts back in.  They all go back and forth and finally the two apologize, begrudgingly. Joyce even hugs Brandi, which Brandi is pretty disgusted by.

Next week: Brandi and Yolanda head to Sacramento for a book signing, Carlton clearly starts using her playroom, Joyce goes to the gun range, all the girls go to a boxing class, Brandi is a wreck, again and hers and Lisa’s relationship unravels further.  Stay tuned…