RHOM: The Finale and Reunion parts 1 and 2

Should they stay or should they go? Joanna Krup and Lea Black. Credit: Bravotv.com

Should they stay or should they go? Joanna Krup and Lea Black. Credit: Bravotv.com

By Lesley Rousso

Well, where do I begin?  Last we left off, Lisa was completely hammered swinging on the pole and arguing with everyone in the party bus.  The next morning, the ladies wake up super late and find that they’ve missed their plane. Lea finds Lisa passed out behind the bar in the suite wearing sunglasses. Drama ensues, they pack like psychos, and they end up renting a car to drive to Cali, ala the Hangover, for Joanna’s rehearsal dinner.   On the way there they stop in the desert for Lisa to throw up and Adriana to pee. Priceless watching Adri in her five-inch red heels, popping a squat, in the dirt.  On the way, they discuss the previous night and everyone kisses and makes up blaming the alcohol for all the drama.

Back in San Diego, the girls arrive at the Park Hyatt and hurry in to get dressed for the rehearsal dinner.  Joanna looks stunning in a red dress, happy to see her sister Marta and her parents.  Romain’s brother ended up making it also.  Guests arrive, and Lisa is sad Lenny isn’t there with her.  They rehearse and cocktail hour begins.  Lisa and Alexia discuss that it’s hard for them to be there without their husbands.  Lisa then tells Lea that Lenny and she have picked a surrogate and it’s a double-edged sword for her.  On the one hand she’s glad, and on the other, she wants to carry her own baby.  Lea gives her good advice, telling her to let it go and that essentially she’ll wind up with what she wants at the end, which is a baby.

The next day, everyone preps for the wedding, Joanna informs us that there will be over thirty thousand flowers on hand.  Lea invites the other girls down for facials and Adri is the only one who shows.  Lea is less than thrilled.  Adri apologizes again to Lea, about planting the article.  Adri seems to think that her and Lea are getting back to normal. Lea has a different story to tell. She informs Adri that once she sees that someone’s core is evil or negative, she doesn’t want it in her life.  Adri bursts into tears and again apologizes.  She practically begs but Lea is just over it.

Alexia gets her hair done, and surprise, in walks Peter as her date.  She’s thrilled and they have a really sweet exchange.  Hopefully, he’ll cut his hair soon.

The wedding begins, all in attendance.  Romain makes his way to the chopping block, oops I mean altar.  The bridesmaids enter and then Joanna arrives on her father’s arm.  Joanna looks gorgeous, of course that goes without saying.  The vows are sweet, the reception rocks, yada yada the episode ends.

Now I’m sure by now, we’ve all seen the reunions and heard about Joanna’s, umm, personal body scent problems.  That was revealed on Watch What Happens Live last week by Brandi Glanville, as told to her by Mohamed  Hadid.  Allegedly, Joanna had an affair with Mohamed when he was married to Yolanda Foster.  Mohamed tweeted out though, that the two are only friends.  Brandi then dropped her little bombshell abount Joanna’s chuckalina to Andy Cohen and Mark Consuelos, who subsequently fainted.  Joanna’s vagina apparently now has its own twitter handle. Classy.

So, I could recap the reunions now, but honestly, I think you should probably watch them with your own eyes.  There was lots of fighting and #RHOM was actually trending last night which I cannot imagine has happened much this season, due to poor ratings.  In fact, many tweeted that the reunions were better than every episode combined.  Will the ladies return?

For what it’s worth, here’s my two cents.   I enjoy watching RHOM for a couple of reasons.  The first is obviously, because I live here, it’s my hometown, although my real hometown is Cleveland, Ohio (happy Mom?).  Honestly though, I’ve lived here since I’m three, and my father Mike Reineri was a very well-known local radio star.  So I like seeing everything I’ve grown up with, places I still go and of course the beautiful views which made me realize I take it for granted sometimes.  Another reason I enjoy watching, and I may get flack for this, is Lea Black.  She’s hysterical and never fails to make me laugh. Selling her wares, doing her best Amy Phillips impressions of herself, whatever.  I don’t always agree with her, but that’s fine, at least she’s entertaining.  I enjoy Lisa and think she should stay and would like to see more of Alexia.  If they come back I also think Marysol should be on more.  As for Adriana, I could take her or leave her.  It’s nothing personal, I just wonder what more she has to offer.  As far as Joanna is concerned, she needs to go.  She’s played out and she’s just exhausting.  She’s always upset or bitching about something, she’s very mean and as stunning as she is, she’s starting to look a little ugly.  I don’t care about her sex life with Romain who may or may not be gay, or may or may not be sleeping with a Colombian cocktail waitress.  Enough!  If it comes back, which I’m doubting right about now, we need some new blood Bravo!  If all is said and done for the ladies, Adiós amigas, it’s been real.  I think…

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RHOM Episode 12: Bridesmaid Breakdown

Face off: Lisa and Joanna. Credit: bravotv.com

Face off: Lisa and Joanna. Credit: bravotv.com

By Lesley Rousso

The episode opens with Joanna planning her upcoming wedding.  Her extravagant taste in flowers and dresses has her budget flying out the window.

Lea is in her office at The World of Lea Black, working with all of her products.  Again, we see a flashback of an infomercial advertising her skincare line.  I think it was shot through a lens behind a cloud. She learns that The Ritz Carlton in Palm Beach is going to be carrying her bags.  She tells us that she got into the handbag business by accident.  She wanted specific bags and started having them made.  People told her how much they loved them and Lea’s said, “that’s a business”.  I love this line because I often do the same thing (on a much smaller level!) Lea, as always is full of accessories this week, but what the hell, #UnderstatedIsOverrated, right @BravoTV?  Shameless plug.

Lisa and her Birkin arrive at Alexia‘s house, along with Adriana. Over a glass of wine, Lisa tells Adri and Lex about her trip to Texas to meet Lea’s family. Lisa says that Lea has a huge family and Adri is genuinely surprised.  “Really?”, she says, looking a little hurt that she didn’t know this.  Honestly, I’m surprised too as Adri tells us she never met or knew anything about Lea’s family.  So strange that she never told her “bestie” about them, yet chose to reveal them on TV.  Adri also seems super annoyed that she invited Lisa to go with her.  Once again, Lisa is playing armchair psychologist and tells Adri that she’s trying to get the two of them back together and break down Lea’s walls.  Adri admits that she misses the friendship, a lot.  She says that she’s really hurt.  She adds that if Lea can apologize that she’s ready to “move over” *Adrianaism.

Up next, Lea arrives at Rene Ruiz, a Coral Gables boutique and designer.  Rene is carrying Lea’s handbag line and tonight they are having a debut party.  His dresses are beautiful and sparkly and so are Lea’s handbags.  A perfect match.  Joanna and Lisa arrive and, soon after, Alexia.  Lex picks up the bag that Lea was carrying at the Gala a while back.  It’s almost as big as her.  Alexia is tall, you do the math here.  Meanwhile Lisa sits Lea down in the middle of her party and starts in about Adri.  I don’t really think it’s the time or place but, we ain’t seen nothin’ yet.  They argue a bit, with Lisa telling her she needs therapy.  Lea explains to us that maybe she does have a wall up.  She calls it being professional at her business presentation.  The 305’s own  NBC6 reporter Trina Robinson is there interviewing Lea and Rene Ruiz while Joanna keeps getting champagne refills.  Joanna and alcohol? Yeah, we’ve seen what that can do before. Lisa comes up and tells Joanna that she thinks Lea is mad at her.  Joanna calls Lea over, again ladies, this is a business presentation, not a sit down.  Lea handles herself with class and Joanna then starts attacking Lisa.  She says that Adri lied to her for five f*cking years and why should Lea make peace with her.  Jealous a little Joanna? Maybe she doesn’t want them to make up.  She starts screaming, people are staring, people are making faces.  People are laughing.  I’m just watching from home.  Hey Lea, I’m a local, I have friends who spend money, we like to shop and drink wine.  Just sayin.  Joanna kicks Lisa out of her wedding.  Joanna tells Lisa to leave, Lisa stays.  They continue arguing.  People are still staring.  Lisa then storms out and Alexia follows.  Lisa says that she doesn’t care, kick her out of the wedding.  Who needs to fly to California to a wedding on a Thursday, and who the hell has a wedding on a Thursday? Back inside, Lea and Joanna discuss the evening’s shenanigans.  Lea tells us that she doesn’t care if they have a dispute at her party, that if you’re “going to have a dispute, promote my bags! Pickup a bag and slap the bitch with it!”  Love our Lea, always working an angle.  I live tweeted this to her to which she tweeted back:

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They go outside to calm Lisa down and Lea hugs her and Joanna attacks her again.  Lisa observes that “they are making a HUGE scene”.  She’s just now figuring that out?  She then zooms off proclaiming to be so mad that she almost ran Joanna down in her Ferrari.  Well, I guess if you have to run someone down, this is the car you want to do it in.  Alexia, tired of this whole ridiculous situation asks Lea if she can bring Adri to the unveiling of Lea’s new ballroom. Yes, you read that correctly.  Lea says of course, because all the girls are invited to the party.  Sometimes I feel like the other girls don’t give Lea the credit she deserves, she really is always inclusive.  Strangely so sometimes *see RJ‘s birthday episode.

At home Joanna tells Romain what happened at the store and has a breakdown over the whole wedding planning and her sister Marta. Joanna says she expects too much from everyone and it’s overwhelming her.  Romain tells her not to worry and let go of the stress.

Lea does a skincare presentation at the Intercontinental Hotel in downtown Miami.  Alexia is her victim, I mean test subject.  Again, Lea I’m watching it from home.  Alexia says she feels like she’s on the set on an infomercial.

The big reveal day at Lea’s has arrived and Lea is putting on her jewels stating she invited Adri and it’s sad that it’s come to this.  Telenovelaesque style Adri gets ready for the party and says that she knows she should apologize to Lea for things.  She wants to make up with her.

While Lea is wearing a necklace the size of Florida, Fabio and Hernan, her designers, reveal her new ballroom and kitchen.  She is thrilled.  The kitchen is a huge improvement.  Guests start to arrive, RJ wearing his cowboy outfit from Texas.  This kid is funny and should tweet.  Karent is there, with her Karentness.  Adri and Frederic arrive and Romain and Joanna.  I was about to ask where the hell Roy was, but I just saw him in the way back.  Lisa gets there and does not want another altercation with Joanna.  They both feel uncomfortable and they talk it out.  Joanna admits that she was wrong to be so mean and tells Lisa that she’s very upset about her sister’s lack of involvement in the wedding.  They kiss and make up, she reinvites her into the wedding.

Just when I think that things can’t get wackier, Lea has country music star John Rich perform a song in the ballroom.  In his cowboy hat, in Coral Gables (?) he sings a song about Lea.  The Miami crew could not appreciate this any less.  She should have brought him to Texas last week.  Something tells me that crowd would’ve been a little more enthusiastic.  The song is apparently titled “Say Lea, say Lea Black”.  Lea finishes it off, doing a “hell yeah” shot with John.

Lea tells Adri, in front of Lex and Lisa that she wants to end the vicious cycle.  She does it in a rather cold way which Lisa points out.  I think Lea has a hard time expressing her feelings.  The two walk away to talk on their own and Lea tells her that she won’t be around her if every time it’s going to be uncomfortable. It’s time to move on and agree to disagree.  They argue back and forth and Lea actually apologizes and so does Adri who then starts crying and tells Lea that she turned on her.  Lea half cries too and they hash it out.  This is usually what’s needed in a situation like this.  They all make up and Joanna, drunk in the positivity invites Adri to her wedding.  They have a group hug and the episode ends.

In the last few weeks RHOM has totally gotten better.  I hope they renew it, which says a lot, especially from a Miami girl.

Up next: the girls are off to Vegas for Joanna’s bachelorette party where the hijinks ensue.  Prepare for boobs, pole dancing and lots of drunken arguments.  Stay tuned…

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RHOM Episode 8: Mama Elsa Comes Home and Episode 9: Birkin Buddies

Two timing? Lisa confesses she's Joanna's bridesmaid too. Credit: Bravotv.com

Two timing? Lisa confesses she’s Joanna’s bridesmaid too. Credit: Bravotv.com

By Lesley Rousso

Episode 8: Mama Elsa Comes Home

The episode begins with a brunch date between Joanna and Romain and Adriana and Frederic. I know what you’re thinking, but yes I got the names right.  Remember, Frederic and Romain had a sit down so now it appears they’re trying to get the girls to do the same. They dine alfresco at Edge steakhouse in the Four Seasons.  Joanna looks gorgeous and Adri is wearing a hat, with a feather, and a shirt buttoned up to her neck. I can guarantee it’s at least 82 degrees. We did not have many cool days in April and May this year. They discuss the issues, yet again and it goes fine.  Neither housewife though, holds their breath that it’ll last forever.

Lisa enters her bedroom bringing Lenny juice, a dog and a towel.  Lenny is recovering from liposuction.  Again, you read it right.  Lisa explains that Lenny had a little “extra baggage”  in his stomach area that he just couldn’t get rid of so he had it sucked out. Physician heal thyself?

Marysol prepares for Mama Elsa’s return from the hospital.  Alexia comes over to Mama Elsa’s and helps Marysol cleanse the home with sage and holy water.  Marysol says the sage reminds her of a “big bush of marijuana”. When they’re done, they talk about the fact that Lea, after eight weeks still hasn’t reached out to Mama Elsa. That seems weird, because we are not talking about a person who doesn’t know to do the right thing.  Mr. Patton stops by, and the two look at a photo album with pics of Elsa from years past.  The two were married for fifty years and now are apparently headed for a messy divorce.  Really?  They’re in their eighties, what’s  left to fight about?  Mama Elsa comes home.  Marysol gives Elsa a glass of water with a healing crystal in it.  Elsa is convinced it’s a piece of fish.  It’s hilarious and good to see her back and feeling better.

Peter has dinner with Alexia’s psychiatrist mom and they discuss his problems, his father and his criminal activity, and Frankie. I keep saying that this is all fine and good but I really hope they do seek a therapist.  Alexia, once again in neon, takes Peter to the baseball field where they spent a lot of time during his childhood.  They talk things over and have a good cry.  Alexia really loves these boys and I’m sure it is so hard for her.

Speaking of therapists, Joanna and Romain visit the sex therapist.  Romain says that unlike Joanna, he doesn’t want to f*ck, he wants to make love.  The therapist gives them some tasks to do, sexual tasks, in character.  They meet at the Four Seasons hotel bar, Joanna in a dark wig, Romain in glasses.  She pretends to be “Natalia” a Russian ballerina and he is Jacques a man whore pilot.  They go upstairs and put on a pretty ridiculous act.  For two people that are so sexy looking, they are not sexy AT ALL!

Marysol throws Adri a Bachelorette party with Lauren Foster, Lisa and Alexia.  It’s all very odd, especially when Adri burns her original wedding dress.  Jesus, she couldn’t just give it away?  What a waste!  The episode ends.

Episode 9: Birkin Buddies

Lisa comes over for sushi with Joanna and Romain.  The three discuss their sex lives, and I’m kind of getting bored with this subject.  Lisa tells Joanna that the two should hire her as their therapist.  They have wine, my fave, Groth sauvignon blanc…I recognize the bottle.  Joanna asks Lisa to be a bridesmaid…finally, which I’m sure Adri will have some sort of problem with. The two finish three bottles of wine and give Romain a little show.

Alexia arrives at Venue, to her staff wishing her a happy birthday.  She’s wearing a harness, sorry, not feeling it.  Marysol comes by for a visit and lies down on Alexia’s silver office sofa. They discuss Adri’s wedding invitation.  It’s an Evite.  Really Adri, an Evite? Wait, though, it gets worse.  Adri is requesting that everyone wear white and then change into a second outfit for the Great Gatsby style reception.  She even goes as far as to attach “a mood board” giving guests suggestions of what they should wear to the “elegant wedding” .  They talk about how ridiculous it is and Marysol says she is going to talk to Adri because “friends don’t let friends torture other friends”.

After a very quiet previous episode, Lea Black is back this week.  She arrives at Lisa’s with a shopping bag in tow.  Can you guess what it is?  Yep, it’s a Birkin. I’ve said it once, I love myself an expensive bag, but ten grand? No way!  I’d be afraid to use it, though it is quite a beauty.  Lea invites Lisa to go to Texas with her to visit her family.  That should be interesting.

Lauren takes Marysol and Adri to the Miami Institute for IV cocktails of vitamins.  They have wine and chat and Marysol tries to tell Adri that the costume change is ridiculous.  Adri says too bad, it’s her wedding and it’s what she wants.

Alexia arrives at Lea’s office and gives her some of her skincare line as a birthday present.  Big of her.  They talk about Mama Elsa and Alexia tells Lea that Marysol is surprised and hurt that she hasn’t called Elsa.  Lea says it’s not true, in her best Amy Phillips impression.  She claims she sent her a card a day and reached out immediately and that’s the truth.  She proves it somewhat  with an email saying she would visit her, but that she would also stay away if Marysol preffered.  Alexia says she believes it but doesn’t understand why people would want to lie about it.  Lea says it’s because they are obsessed with her.

Meanwhile back at the ranch, I mean sex therapist, Romain confides in the doctor about his troublesome childhood.  He grew up with his father and had a terrible stepmom who beat him from the ages of 4-8.  He clearly needs more nurturing and less aggressive behavior from Joanna.

Herman throws a joint birthday party for Alexia and himself and most of the girls are present.  Adri gives Lisa crap about being a bridesmaid for Joanna.  Lea arrives, and Ana looks like she wants to vomit.  Marysol decides to confront her and the two argue and Lea tries to diffuse it but Marysol is not having it.  They go back and forth and and Lea leaves.  Lisa tells Marysol to just forget about it already, and Ana says that Lisa plays both sides.  Lisa goes after Lea, who is now crying that she’s trying to be nice and all she does is get attacked.  She says she was devastated when she heard Elsa was in the hospital.  Marysol comes in, they fight again and Lea leaves for real this time.  Lisa then argues with Marysol and Ana who tell her it’s none of her business.  Ana, who never misses an opportunity to give Lisa a dig, asks her if she’s “Hooked on Phonics” when Lisa uses the same word Ana does. Lisa tells her she’s disgusting and the episode ends with a shot of dancers at the party.

Tonight: Let the insanity commence, it’s Adri’s!

For more on the Real Housewives of Miami check out our exclusive interviews with Alexia, Lea, Marysol, and more!

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