RHOBH Episode 13: The Curse of Carlton/ Episode 14: The Birthday Witch

Things are about to get nipply!  Photo: bravotv.com

Things are about to get nipply!
Photo: bravotv.com

By Lesley Rousso

The episode begins at Carlton’s house as she’s preparing for her pool party.  She and her daughters are blowing up their own balloons and putting together some paper decorations. Her girls ask her why they can’t stay and Carlton replies with, “because it’s an adult party.”  Why is is she using decor then, that I wouldn’t use at my dog’s party, let alone a child’s party?  I’m talking dollar store cardboard star cutouts.  I’m sorry to go on here, but I am a stickler for details.  It’s all in the details folks.  Anyway, husband David leaves to drop the kids off at Grandma’s and Carlton continues decorating (?) Goody bags come courtesy of Hustler, and of course, the official house party food of the Real Housewives of BH, Fatburger arrives.  They must get a discount.  Meanwhile a bevy of naked girls have their bodies painted in Carlton’s playroom.

We meet Kim at the Autograph and Pop Culture show as she meets her fans.  Now besides Kim, in attendance are Ami Dolenz, Richard Chamberlain and Diane Franklin, remember her from Better Off Dead? Bravo TV, if people actually leave their houses to drag their lazy butts to see these people, can you imagine what Bravo Con would look like?  Kim has a stack of pics from when she was probably sixteen and she autographs them and poses for photos with random weirdos.  Then Jimmy McNichol, who looks alarmingly like his sister Kristy, comes up and asks Kim why they never dated.  You’d think that would be the highlight right?  Wrong, some crazy comes up and has Kim hold a doll that looks like a cross between a monkey and a monster.  It looks like it’s breathing.  Creepy.

Back over at the naked pool party Carlton greets her girlfirend, oops I mean Elizy and the naked gals begin serving cocktails.  Brandi gets there with several friends in tow as do Ken and Lisa with Giggy in tow.  Yeah, this is not the caliber of party one would see at Villa Rosa.  Yolanda gets there next as Lisa is continuing to tell Brandi to see a doctor for her hand. (Last week’s boxing epi).  Brandi is having none of it, (Foreshadowing) and stalks away.  Lisa seriously just can’t seem to help herself, she has to mother people.  Yolanda tells her to just leave it alone.  Everyone watches the pole dancers for a while, ultra classy, and Joyce and Michael join the fun.  Kyle and Mauricio get there too and Kyle is literally wearing a mumu.  It’s like a Grandma dress, I don’t get it.

Anyway, Kyle asks to see Carltons new tattoo.  Kyle says “Is that a Jewish star?” to which Carlton responds with a very annoyed “Really?”  Carlton is totally in the right here.  It is without a doubt a regular star, actually one of the pentagram variety, not the Star of David.  Kyle, who converted to Judaism should be embarrassed, mainly because she looked very foolish asking this question.  She tried to redeem herself by claiming that Carlton was the rude one with the way she responded.  No Kyle, Carlton just thought you looked stupid, big difference, don’t pull the anti-Semitic card.  I’m Jewish and I’m more offended by the fact that Kyle doesn’t know the diff between a Pentagram and a Star of David.  Especially for someone who converted.  Converts are often more religious than those of us born into it.  The party drags on, Kyle refuses to go swimming  saying it looks like a lot of cooties are in the pool.  Yolanda gets in with Brandi and her friends and Kyle passes out french fries, saying they’re all too skinny.  Of course Joyce opts out, saying she doesn’t want other people’s DNA on her.  Kyle gives Carlton her necklace, after Carlton admires it.  Trying to smooth things over obviously, though I’m not sure how comfortable Carlton is with this gesture.

The next day in Malibu (sigh) Yolanda is making lemonade and waiting for the girls to come over.  She is making a picture wall for Gigi‘s new apartment in New York, similar to the one in their house, so she’s asked the girls to come over and paint with her.  Yolanda brings everything upstairs to ab breatakingly beautiful outside patio.  Kyle won’t be attending as she is at Days of Our Lives filming a role as a talent agent.  I tune in once in a while as Days has always been my fave daytime soap, I was once a huge Hope and Bo fan!

Yolanda receives a last minute call from Lisa telling her she can’t make it,which upsets her.  Joyce arrives with a cake in hand followed by Carlton, who appears frazzled and slightly hung over.  The three start to hed up to the patio and Joyce says, we really don’t need the wine, maybe when Brandi gets here she’ll want it.  This pisses off Carlton who asks Joyce to please not label Brandi.  Joyce tries to say that she wasn’t but it was a pretty transparent comment.  Brandi gets there and Yo tells the girls how Lisa canceled.  Brandi throws her under the bus in the interview saying that Lisa was annoyed at how far Malibu is.  Brandi complains about her broken hand, which LVP said was broken, of course she gives her no credit here.  They paint in the idyllic setting, David visits for a sec and then Carlton asks if anyone is talking shit about her.  She says she had a dream that Kyle was talking negatively about her religion.  Brandi says that the only person she would express that to would probably be Joyce.  Joyce says if she has a problem that she should talk to Kyle. Carlton goes on, saying Kyle is definitely talking shit.  Joyce says she doesn’t understand why Carlton just doesn’t talk to Kyle.  Brandi says jokingly that Kyle’s afraid she’ll cast a spell on her.  So Joyce chimes in with, “Spells only get to you if you believe in it.”  Carlton says, “No that’s bullshit.  Don’t come at me and say you don’t believe it, when you go home tonight watch out.”

The next day, Joyce meets Kim and tells her what happened at Yolanda’s and that something did in fact happen to her.  Her husband Michael who apparently believes in energies and spells, got deathly ill.  Dun dun dunnnnnn…

Episode 14: The Birthday Witch

The episode opens with Lisa at Villa Blanca meeting Kevin Lee to plan Ken’s birthday party.  Kyle joins them because it will be a joint birthday party for Mauricio as well.  They decide to do an elegant dinner, after Carlton’s super classy Fourth of July party.

Brandi arrives to do her book cover photo shoot and starts looking at her choice of dresses.  Her new book editor introduces herself and starts barking orders.  The team is less than thrilled but they do as she asks and the cover looks great when all is said and done.

Carlton gets an invitation to meet Joyce for lunch which she finds very strange.  Carlton jumps right in though telling Joyce that she has a problem with her flippancy*. Yet again Joyce asks, “What’s flippancy?” Carlton tells her that it means being dismissive and Joyce says,  “But I haven’t been flippanty.”  Joyce tells her she respects her religion but she needs to know that Carlton is not doing any spells on her.  To which Carlton responds, “Are you f*cking kidding me?” Joyce tells her what happened to Michael.  Carlton tells her that she doesn’t practice dark spells anymore because you pay a price.  She goes on to say that when she had children she knew the black magic had to stop.  Joyce tells her she needs to know that her child is not going to “fall down a ladder”.  Carlton tells her not to ever mention children.  My question is what the heck would her child be doing on a ladder?  Carlton assures her she wouldn’t ever do anything to her or her family.

Kim heads to the tattoo parlor with her daughter to get matching butterfly tattoos, before she leaves for college.  At the same time Yolanda starts to pack up Gigi for college in New York.  Very cute mother daughter scenes.  The matching tattoo thing is a little much, but to each her own.

At Lisa’s house, Kevin and Kyle arrive to see what’s happening for the upcoming birthday party.  Of course the setting is beautiful and of course Lisa and Kevin shoot down Kyle’s ideas.  They do however decide it’s a great idea to have water dancers, hmm.  The next day, Ken and Lisa get ready and Rocio and Ken dress Giggy in his tux.  Lisa looks stunning as does the table.  Honestly Carlton, this is where you need to pay attention.  Scheana and Stassi arrive to serve and Peter and Jax tend bar although the party is not being catered by Sur or Villa Blanca.  Carlton and David get there, along with Pandora and Jason.  Brandi gets there, bringing JR as her date as he was invited too.  Kyle and Mauricio come late to which Lisa makes a remark. Kyle tells us that clearly Kevin and Lisa wanted all control so it didn’t really matter what time they showed up.  Brandi sips on a vodka soda, saying this is her cleanse, because it has no sugar.  Lisa tells Brandi she should congratulate Scheana on getting engaged.  Brandi is all, why should I?  I agree with Brandi here, I really do.  Meanwhile the bathing beauties step into the pool to do their interpretive dance and one promptly slips and falls on her ass.  Lisa tells Kevin, hey they’re supposed to be synchronized swimmers, tell them to get into the water.  Lisa then forces Kevin and Jax into the pool with the “swimmers”.

They take their seats at the table and start toasting.  Ken makes a silly toast and Kyle stands on ceremony.  Lisa totally mocks her which is really funny.  I’m #sorrynotsorry but LVP can do no wrong in my book.   Then a  strolling singer/songwriter comes to the table and he sings a ridiculous song about Ken and Mauricio.  Ken says, maybe you can sing a Jewish song and Kyle breaks into the Hava Nagila and Brandi starts singing the Dreidel song. Then they all give Brandi and JR crap about their on again off again relationship. Pandora and Jason present Ken with a huge portrait of Giggy in a tux.  At first they joke that it’s a naked picture of Lisa and the whole three-fourths  of a nipple thing comes up.  So Kyle tells Lisa to explain to her, which infuriates Carlton because Kyle is calling her “her”.  Kyle tells her to relax and Carlton tells her that she has a feeling that Kyle has been talking shit about her.  She goes on to say that Kyle was overheard at the pool party saying how disgusting the bathroom was.  So Kyle says that this is her husband’s birthday, it’s not the time and Carlton says, I don’t care. Kyle responds with I’ve been nothing but f*cking nice to you.  Carlton disagrees, and tells her she’s passive aggressive, and voices escalate.  Kyle tells Carlton to let her talk, explaining Lisa’s nipple joke, LVP nods in agreement and Carlton tells Kyle “Don’t you dare come on to me, you don’t dare come on me.”  They fight back and forth.  Carlton tells Kyle she’s not genuine and tells her she cleansed the necklace she gave her. Kyle accuses Carlton of lying about what she said when she gave her the necklace.  Carlton then brings up the tattoo thing and Kyle says, if you don’t want to be judged for being a wiccan, don’t act like a witch. Kyle accuses her of being anti-semitic.  Carlton gets pissed, gets up and walks away.  Lisa goes after Carlton and sticks up for Kyle, and Carlton and David leave.  Even Brandi agrees that Carlton was making something out of nothing.  Another Dinner Party from Hell in the books.  At least Brandi wasn’t involved this time!

Next week:  Kyle and Mauricio are uninvited to David and Carlton’s company party, Kim, Brandi and Kyle talk crap about Lisa and its the beginning of the end.  Stay tuned…

The Vanderpump Rules Vacation

Lesley Rousso in front of SUR. Lesley lives in Miami, FL and is a Bravo fan and TBB correspondent.

Lesley Rousso in front of SUR. Lesley lives in Miami, FL and is a Bravo fan and TBB correspondent.

By Lesley Rousso

My husband needed to go to LA for business and wanted me to go, which I of course jumped at because I love California. We had never been without the kids which made it the perfect opportunity to do things there we hadn’t done before, like a Bravo crawl. Darren needless to say, was thrilled at that prospect…not!

When we are with the kiddos we usually stay in Santa Monica but this time we booked right in the 90210. We got a great rate at the Beverly Wilshire, yes, that’s the Pretty Woman hotel. I warn you though, things look smaller than they actually appear on TV. But enough about Jax Taylor, I’ll get to him later.
On our first full day there, Darren went to Santa Barbara for business, so I was on my own for most of the day. I lounged in the room for quite a while, drinking my thirty, yes THIRTY, dollar pot of coffee for one and then decided to hit the pavement. Upon leaving Saks I was walking down Bedford Avenue and saw a Bentley coming towards me with a license plate that read “Pinky”. It was no other than, you guessed it, Lisa’s Vanderpump’s husband Ken Todd! Now thank god the street wasn’t crowded because I yelled out, ” Look, it’s Ken!” to no one in particular. I did get some very odd looks from a couple of window washers but what the hell, I just had my first celebrity sighting and it was a Bravoleb, I couldn’t have been more thrilled!

So I kept walking down the street in the land of Prada and plastic, and what did I come upon next? Kyle by Alene ,Kyle Richards‘ store! Who you ask, was working there? Kyle’s daughter Farrah! The store by the way, is to die for and I would’ve spent a mint in there if I hadn’t just had a couple hundred dollars worth of fun at Saks. Great stuff, great decor! Did Faye (Resnick) really decorate it? I wish we had one in Miami! On I travel making my way down Camden and next came upon, a mere few doors down, Villa Blanca! It was lunchtime and it was packed. I promised myself to go back the next day.

Later that day we took a drive to Venice to see a friend and got stuck in the worst, and I mean the worst traffic I have ever seen on the way back to town. We were not on the freeway either. This was right on Wilshire and it took us almost two hours to get back. I almost vomited from it, it was that bad, plus I was afraid we would miss our 8:45 Sur reservation. God forbid!

We made it, fashionably late, around 10 minutes, due to a shirt that was very difficult to put on. I swear it took me 15 minutes to figure out the sleeves! We entered on the lounge side and the hostess who was very nice, told us it would be a few minutes, so we headed to the bar for a drink while we waited. Well hello there Jax! Yes, Jax was tending bar and yes he is shorter than he appears, but ridiculously handsome. I told him what I wanted, a Patron Anjeo margarita on the rocks no salt. Darren started to tell him what he wanted and he basically ignored him and started to pour me the wrong tequila. Now I have a terrible reaction to silver tequila so there was no way in hell I was drinking this, I don’t care what show he’s on. So I corrected him. He then proceeded to tell me that nobody drinks the Anjeo. Well cutie pie, I drink it and I know plenty of people who drink it as well, and I’m from Miami trick, not the boon docks. No offense if you live in the boon docks though. He made my new drink, quite obviously annoyed which was super amusing to me. I do have to say, once he got it right, he did pour a good cocktail.

Next the hostess, who really couldn’t have been friendlier, took us to our table and we were greeted by our waiter Matt, also very friendly! I ordered the lobster bisque and a filet and both were delicious. Darren had the carrot soup and ahi tuna, also very good. The ambiance is fantastic but they use every bit of free space. You are literally on top of the next table. That doesn’t bother me in the slightest but if it bothers you, you may want to think twice. The whole place has a classy loungey feel.

We spotted Scheana (Marie) who is gorgeous and Stassi (Schroeder), Tom (Sandoval) and Kristen (Doute). Tom was at what I think was the service bar, I had no interaction with him. I did however overhear Stassi and Kristen, while I was waiting for the bathroom, telling some people “Haven’t you heard of Vanderpump Rules?”. I’m guessing they hadn’t, we can’t all be Bravoholics now can we?

We dined at Villa Blanca the following night, which was quite good and crowded. Our waiter was Dan and we did have an ex football player/sportscaster sitting at the table next to us. I honestly had no clue but my husband did. A 49ers player I think.
Now, as I finish this I’m going over last night’s finale in my head. Guess Jax, or shall we call him Jason, didn’t take a very long leave of absence. On another note, trying to get tickets now to The Blacks Annual Gala for all you RHOM fans. Stay tuned…

Drew’s View- Vanderpump Rules

Courtesy: Bravo TV

Courtesy: Bravo TV

BREAKING NEWS. Waiters encounter more drama on a daily basis than just dropping dishes. At least, that’s the case for the staff of Los Angeles’s sexiest restaurant Sur. Bravo TV documents the lives of 5 girls and 2 boys as they serve dishes, drama, and punches, but that’s just desserts in the new show Vanderpump Rules.

Let’s start with Queen Bee Stassi (pronounced Stah- See) Schroeder. This Southern Belle loves all things fashion and all things beautiful and is no stranger to the limelight. In 2007, she placed 7th in CBS’s The Amazing Race. Schroeder also has done some modelling, having appeared in US Weekly and Italian Vanity Fair. Now, she’s a fashion columnist for the website The Divine Addiction (owned and edited by Pandora Vanderpump Todd) where she uses her degree in English Writing to her advantage. Under her statement heels and lingerie is a feisty woman who is not afraid to speak her mind. Does she really hate Scheana, or is that all just good TV?

Scheana Marie is the aspiring singer trying to fit her way into the equation. We first learned of Scheana on RHOBH when Brandi (Glanville) commented several times that Scheana was the mistress of ex-husband Eddie Cibrian. An innocent “brunette Britney Spears” doppelganger, Scheana is comfortable sharing details about her not-so-innocent tryst with Cibrian. Will Scheana always cower to Stassi in pennance for her faux pas?

Jax Taylor is Sur’s buff bartender. He looks like he could have been the understudy for Wolverine, but that’s all in his scruff. Jax is an actor/ model (you can see him on the cover of the Assasin’s Creed video game series) who spends his time skillfully serving mojitos and Cosmopolitans. Stassi is very protective of him, as he is with her. Is his girlfriend the reason he gets in a heated argument with a man in the parking lot later this season? Will he even be with Stassi by the final episode?

Tom Sandoval is Jax’s BFF. He’s obsessed with three things: his hair, his girlfriend, Kristen, and his hair. Another aspiring actor, guess it’s true about LA’s food service industry, Tom has appeared in several thriller films under the direction of David DeCoteau. When he’s not blow drying, flat ironing, and gelling his hair, Tom is out playing the guitar or working with his buddies at Sur. I don’t sense anything bad happening between Tom and Kristen, but hey, I’ve been wrong many times before.

The lovely Kristen Doute is a veteran staff member at Sur. She was nominated for Best Actress at the ITV Film Festival and appeared in movies with her boyfriend of four years, Tom. This girl clearly knows how to communicate, whether she’s acting, speaking with her boyfriend, or even speaking in sign language, so I don’t expect anyone to step on her toes, not even her “mean girl” best friend Stassi.

Katie Maloney completes the cast of Vanderpump Rules. This Utah native is quiet at Sur but when she’s not dealing with the other aggressive girls, she’s a music supervisor. Katie actually looks like Katie Holmes (call me crazy) but she doesn’t have a baby… Yet… She’s dating Tom Schwartz, a friend of the Pumps (I coined that), but we don’t know yet if he’ll be featured in a lot of episodes.

Bravo has shows about wives, decorators, and relationship experts. Why can’t they have a show about waiters? Why can’t they have a reality show about actors who are waiters? The first episode definitely looked a bit exaggerated to me but that’s not to say the drama this season won’t be juicy. Did you see the previews? We all know Lisa Vanderpump is a queen in her own right. Now we get an inside look at the lives of the princes and princesses in her kingdom. I’m going to stop before this article turns into a report on Camelot, but if you’re a person who hates abiding by the rules, it’s time you watch Vanderpump Rules.