Bachelorette Season 10:Episode 1

By Denise Weiss

Will  Andi find love this go round? photo: abc.go.com

Will Andi find love this go round?
photo: abc.go.com

ANDI IS BACK AND SHEEEE’S OK

Hello rose lovers and welcome to Season 10 of The Bachelorette. Join me as we follow beautiful, smart, sassy Andi Dorfman on her journey to find love. Andi has finally committed to one hair color, and is therefore ready to commit to one man for the rest of her life.

By was of introduction, we start with last year’s footage of “Badass Assistant District Attorney Andi” on the job, looking around fences and taking pictures of graffiti . Andi has worked hard achieving her career goals and loves her job so much that she is willing to abandon it for the second time in hopes that the man of her dreams is the kind of guy who signs up for a reality show for all the right reasons. Note to Andi: some women actually have a career and find husbands at the same time. Some of them are even lawyers. Just sayin’. Andi speaks of finding love and says “I don’t need it, but I want it enough to go get it.” That is how I feel about wine.

This is not the time to dwell on a wasted law school education; this is Andi’s shot at love and she is willing to leave behind her profession AND her family to find the man of her dreams. She says a quick goodbye to her Mom and Dad and promises them that “the next time you see me, there will be two guys.” Just what every Jewish father wants to hear from his daughter who just quit her prestigious lawyer job.

Andi leaves Atlanta and arrives in Los Angeles and is all smiles as she drives up the coast in a convertible with her hair blowing in the wind. She goes on a shopping extravaganza where she tries on hats, a few ugly shirts and slathers on some lipgloss. Once she is done making duck faces at herself in the mirror, it is time for a real photo shoot in front of a bookcase of law books, thus honoring the profession she has abandoned. When she is done with her photo shoots, Andi walks on the beach wearing the same white crochet shorts she was wearing when she basically told Juan Pablo to go f*** himself last season.

Andi drives up to her new home where Chris Harrison greets her, opens the car door and offers to carry her stuff inside. Then he leaves. Chris has no interest in talking to Andi about what she is looking for in a husband or reminiscing about her experience with Juan Pablo. Nope, he just drops her shit in the hallway and takes off. Apparently Chris Harrison is this season’s bellhop.

Andi’s sister appears moments later for some moral support. The sister (either she doesn’t have a name or Andi forgot it now that she’s out in LA) and has abandoned her career and family. The nameless sister wants to know how many guys Andi is going to kiss, and tells her to dump the lousy kissers because everyone knows that lousy kissers make lousy husbands. Andi agrees that she is going to kiss a lot of guys, which is her way of justifying in advance that she will be behaving like a slut for the next 2 months. They giggle, she tries on an unflattering gold lame dress, then the no name sister leaves.

Introductions

Andi takes her spot on the wetted down driveway at the mansion and waits for the first limo to arrive. There is no pep talk from Chris Harrison or introductory footage of any of the guys playing with their dog. There is no time to waste because the first limo is pulling up to the mansion.

First out is Marcus, who is very nervous, says he has a lot to offer and says he wants Andi to keep him forever. Who wouldn’t want forever after meeting someone for a whopping 23 seconds, right? Andi thinks Marcus is hot.

Chris is a farmer from Iowa. ZZZZZzzzzzz.

JJ, wears a bow tie, is a pantsapreneur (huh? what?) and is on a “love quest” which is somehow different than a “journey” to find love. He is wearing a bow tie and looks like Bill Nye the Science Guy.

Marquel from Las Vegas. He is wearing a pink and white checkered shirt and has a great smile.

Tasos, whose pants are too short, is a Wedding Event Coordinator who loves to travel and wants to replicate Lover’s Bridge in Paris, but settles for locking a lock on the gate at the mansion. He then throws key in the pond and they make a wish. Hopefully the key didn’t kill an innocent koi fish.

Cody is a personal trainer who pretends to push the broken down limo up the driveway. He looks like Sean Lowe on steroids. His jacket collar is turned up like Crockett from Miami Vice. I feel roid rage coming on in the next few weeks.

Steven is a 30 year old Snowboard Product Developer which means that he gets high and snowboards. He says he is “stoked” to meet Andi, thus confirming the getting high part of his job. Really dude? Stoked? SMH.

Next out is Rudie, a 31 year old lawyer who decides that he’s going to use some “fun attorney humor.” Uh Rudie, for the record, there is no such thing as fun attorney humor. I rest my case.

Carl is a firefighter from Florida. He gave her a blue ball thing.

Dr. Jason is a blonde moppy headed goober doctor with the worst pick-up line ever- he tells her that he can diagnose her as having fever because she looks so hot. Dr. Jason needs to work on his limo-side manner and get a hair cut.

Nick V. is 33 years old and is wearing a polka dot tie. They talk about the polka dot tie at length. Talking about the polka dot tie is the extent of their conversation.

Dylan is an accountant from Boston who is nervous just being near Andi and looks a little sweaty. Maybe he’s just wearing too much hair gel. Time will tell.

Patrick kicks a soccer ball over the fence. We get the symbolism.

Emil, 33, is a helicopter pilot who tells Andi that his name is pronounced like “anal with an M.” I’m just going to call him Anal, forget the “M.” I’m wondering if Andi will have Anal in the fantasy suite. Let the anal jokes begin.

Brett is a hairdresser (is that a mullet?) whose mother always told him never go on a date empty handed, so he came out of the limo with a lamp that he stole from his hotel. Brett is the second guy wearing a bow tie, and looks like a fool dragging his stolen lamp across the mansion driveway. Brett’s mom is probably at home yelling at the TV “I meant a box of chocolates or a nice babka, not a lamp you fool.”

Craig is a tax accountant who got out of the limo and sprayed champagne up in the air. Craig seems to be a little light in the loafers, and I am downright angry that he wasted a perfectly good bottle of champagne.

Ron is from Nashville. He is soft spoken and looks fabulous in a checkered purple and white shirt. He seems too classy for this show.

Bradley, 32, is an opera singer who looks like a nerdier Clark Kent. Just what we need this season- another opera singer.

Josh B. is from Denver, is blonde and is the third guy to show up in a checkered shirt. He may still be in high school.

Nick S. rides up in a golf cart because, well, he is a professional golfer, that’s why.

Brian is a 27 year old basketball coach from Camp Hill, Pennsylvania, which from the looks of Brian is probably one of the dullest places on earth. He asks Andi if his tie is straight.

Andrew is a Social Media Marketer and is the 4th guy to show up in a checkered shirt, which leads me to believe that there was a big sale on checkered shirts at The Men’s Wearhouse.

Mike, who likes to be called Camps, is a bartender from Utah who looks like a cross between Dr. Jason, Thor and a Geico Caveman.

Eric is an explorer and had the best intro of all the guys when he gave Andi dolls from Peru. Sadly, Eric passed away due to injuries sustained from a paragliding accident shorty after leaving the show. ABC has dedicated this season to him. He seemed like a good guy. Rest in peace Eric.

Last but not least, Josh M., a Former Pro Baseball Player from of all places, Atlanta, Georgia steps out of the limo. He has a big dazzling smile.

In summary, there are lots of checkered shirts, a few bow ties and a lamp.

We head into the mansion and the guys cheer and toast Andi when she walks in the room. She says she “feels it” and knows from experience that her husband is in this room. Experience? What experience? She certainly can’t be talking about her last experience with Mr. EEEEES OK?

Cocktail Party

Now is the time for the men to turn into little girls and whine and snivel while they wait for their turn to talk to Andi. Chris reminds Andi that she has a First Impression Rose to hand out.

The first one on one time is with Josh M. from Atlanta, with his good looks, southern accent, giant smile and great tan. He tells her he is “the whole package.” Andi says that he is her type and he promises to eat sushi with her.

Next up is Marquel, who is black, has been quite busy in the kitchen and has brought out a large platter of assorted cookies for a cookie tasting. He feeds her one cookie, then paws through all the rest until he finds the one he is looking for. Any guess which one he chooses? The black and white cookie. He tells her to “look to the black and white cookie”, and with that the metaphors begin. They split the black and white cookie and Andi thinks that he has swag. I hope for Andi’s sake that he doesn’t also have hepatitis; after all, he touched every cookie and then fed them to her. Andi should go find Dr. Jason and ask for an antibiotic just to be safe.

While Andi and the guys are inside getting to know each other, outside on the mansion driveway Chris Bukowski from Emily’s season/Bachelor Pad is standing in front of the catering services tent holding a bouquet of roses and demanding that he be allowed to crash Andi’s party. One of the producers heads into the mansion to get Chris Harrison, while a security guard confiscates the roses and escorts Chris B. to a folding chair and tells him to sit. Chris B. says he should have gone in through the back entrance. Funny, that’s exactly what Anal said.

Chris Harrison returns shortly with the news that Andi has zero interest in having Chris B. join the party- after all, it’s not really fair to her 25 new boyfriends, now is it? Chris B. refuses to leave and whines/lies that he has been at the mansion for the past 7 days just waiting for Andi to show up. Are we to believe that Chris B. has been camped out in a sleeping bag on the mansion driveway for the past 7 days? More likely Chris waited 7 minutes from the time the producers called him and told him to grab the roses and head on over. Chris B. goes toe to toe with Chris Harrison until a big, arms crossed guard shoots Chris B. the evil eye, thus sending Chris B. back into anonymity until Bachelor Paradise premiers this summer.

Back inside the mansion, Chris the farmer is telling Andi all about life on the farm. Andi tells Farmer Chris that she would love that lifestyle because she loves outdoor stuff and scenery. Her words may say “farm living is the life for me,” but her face says “you want me to get up at 4:30 am to pick what?” Even Farmer Chris doesn’t believe that Andi is interested in leaving the big city for a life picking corn and soy beans.

Tasos impresses Andie by asking for a glass of juice with ice in French. Marcus tells Andi that he is Texas born but European raised and speaks German and Polish. She is impressed that he is so…worldy. Uh, Andi, I think the word you are looking for is MUNDO. Speaking of mundo, the opera singer is standing in the middle of the room singing opera. Please stop.

Nick V. continues to impress Andi with his polka dot tie. Andi feels an immediate connection and attraction to Nick V., and gives him the first impression rose.

Meanwhile, in another room, Patrick and Andrew are talking about their love of race cars. They move closer to each other on the couch and stare into each others eyes. Andrew says that Patrick is well dressed and very suave. Patrick agrees that he and Andrew are “a little bit on a different level than some of the other guys.” They fist bump and are so happy to have found each other. I smell a bromance.

Rose Ceremony

Finally, it’s time for the rose ceremony. Andi thanks the guys for a great night, and for her new lamp.

Roses go to:
1. JJ (Bill Nye the Science Guy)
2. Eric (may he rest in peace)
3. Marquel (I hope you saved some of those cookies for me)
4. Craig (I will stick around until you figure out that I am gay)
5. Tasos (male wedding event planner making Andi’s gaydar ping)
6. Josh M (my tan, my hair, my smile…I am the complete package baby)
7. Brian (who?)
8. Bradley (has anyone seen Sharleen)
9. Marcus (Andi thinks I’m hot)
10. Andrew (where is Patrick)
11. Patrick (has anyone seen Andrew)
12. Ron (see, she really digs black guys)
13. Carl (I don’t even remember him at this point)
14. Chris (Green Acres is the place to be)
15. Dylan (I’m really good with numbers)
16. Brett (I Love Lamp)
17. Cody (don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry)
18. Nick S. (fore!)
19. Nick V. (I’m not that good looking but I still got the first impression rose)

Going home are:
1. Rudie the lawyer who was convinced they were going to get married and have kids;

2. Dr. Jason who reflects on what he did wrong. Let’s start with the hair, then we can discuss the “you have fever because you’re hot” line;

3. Mike/Camps/Thor who needs to get a haircut and take Dr. Jason with him;

4. Steven who was really stoked a few hours earlier and will probably get stoked again at the airport;

5. Emil a/k/a Anal with an M. I am most disappointed about Anal leaving because I was just getting started with the anal jokes. It’s too bad she didn’t want to give anal another try–she just might like it if she gave it, I mean him, a chance;

6. Josh B. who goes on an angry, drunken “first night reject” rant and claims his friends made him go on the show, drops an f-bomb, and then says the most intelligent, spot-on thing that any contestant has ever muttered in the history of the show: “This Is Stupid.”

Andi raises her glass and toasts the remaining 19 men by exclaiming “cheers to all of y’all.” I can tell that all the “y’alls” are going to get on my nerves. Oh well, eeees OK.

The Bachelor Season 18 : Episode 4

These Korean pop stars are about to get crashed Bachelore stlye. Credit: abc.go.com

These Korean pop stars are about to get crashed Bachelor stlye. Credit: abc.go.com

YOU’RE THE JUAN THAT I JUANT, BUT ARE YOU A GOOD ROLE MODEL FOR CAMEEELLA?

Hola rosa lovers, and welcome to Episode 4 of El Bachelor! This was the worst episode of The Bachelor to date, and further reinforces my beliefs that Juan Pablo is as interested in finding a wife as Sean Lowe is in forgoing his time in the Honeymoon Suite on his wedding night. Speaking of Sean, watching his wedding to Catherine helped to summarize the difference between Sean and Juan Pablo- Sean is the guy to whom you say “I do” while Juan Pablo is the guy you wake up next to after a long night of drinking and say “What did I do?”
The episode starts with Juan Pablo cuddling with Cameeelllla because it is time for her to return home to her mommy so that Juan Pablo can take his merry band of bridal wanna be misfits on some “adventuras” across the globe.
Chris Harrison arrives at the mansion and tells the ladies to quickly pack their stuff because they are headed to Seoul, South Korea. The girls scream, do a little Gangnam Style dance (which is so last year) and head to the airport despite the fact that most of them have no idea where South Korea is.
First Group Date
Upon arrival at the red and white decorated hotel, the group date card arrives and invites Chelsie (who doesn’t seem so bright to me), Cassandra (the girl with zero personality), Elise (whose dead mom’s dying wish was for her to be on The Bachelor), Danielle (who has never uttered one sentence and no one can understand why she is still there), Kat (who humped his neck last week at the pool party) and Nikki (who repeatedly reminds us that she is a pediatric nurse) on a date entitled “Pop.” Being the rocket scientists that these girls are, they discuss the possibility that the date will involve popcorn or gum. Nikki is quite upset that she did not get the one on one and believes that the “Pop” is the sound of her head exploding. You see, Nikki doesn’t have any sisters, and therefore doesn’t know how to share. Even sisters wouldn’t help this situation, because the sisters who date the same guy usually end up on The Jerry Springer Show. Chelsie finds it weird to see Juan Pablo halfway around the world. Isn’t that why she flew to South Korea in the first place? Was she expecting someone else? Note to Chelsie- when exploring South Korea, don’t go too far North.
As much as we would love to see Nikki’s sister-less head explode, we are not that lucky.  Rather, Juan Pablo and the six ladies gather at a K-Pop studio to learn some new dance moves courtesy of K-Pop singing sensation 2NE1, who are, according to Juan Pablo as popular in Korea as the Spice Girls are in the United States. The Spice Girls, really? Hello Juan Pablo, the 90’s called and want their girl group back. According to Juan Pablo “a girl who knows how to dance is the best way to Juan Pablo’s heart.” Apparently Juan Pablo loves to dance in bright red pants and refer to himself in the third person.
Kat is thrilled and boasts “I’m a dancer- I’ve been doing it since before I could walk” and jumps right in and busts a move and ends with a high kick. Nikki does the sprinkler. It isn’t pretty and Nikki shows her sad face and complains for hours on end. Just when things can’t get any worse for Nikki, the group is informed that they will be performing with 2NE1 in front of a huge crowd. Nikki’s attitude goes downhill from there and she says that she would rather crap her pants and hopes that she will be dancing for the South Korean School for the Blind. Fortunately, the “huge crowd” turns out to be a stage at a mall like a Tiffany inspired tour. Unfortunately for Nikki, none of the three hundred or so screaming Korean teens seems visually impaired and the show must go on.
Juan Pablo and the girls jump around the stage in the background, while Kat breaks free into her own slutty dance moves and takes front and center stage. They pose for some pictures with 2NE1 and teens all across South Korea are wondering about the dorky guy in the red pants with the 6 bimbos.
At night, Juan Pablo toasts to a peaceful and wonderful night- boy did he come to the wrong place for peace. He would probably have more luck finding peace in North Korea than sitting with this group of women.
Kat manages to snag the first night time one on one time with Juan Pablo and tells him that there is more to her that just fun. In fact, Kat confesses that she had a very troubled childhood with an alcoholic dad and divorced parents. It was all good though, because her mom made lemonade out of lemons. Juan Pablo has no idea what the hell she meant- you know, language barrier. I figured if the alcoholic dad showed up with some vodka, they could have made lemon drops.
While Kat bores Juan Pablo to death with her sad childhood story, Nikki complains to the other women about Kat’s phony behavior in front of the cameras. The other ladies are very uncomfortable with Nikki’s backstabbing ways and Danielle, who I didn’t know could speak in full sentences, says that Nikki has become catty and isn’t a good role model for Cameeellla.
Elise gets some one on one time with Juan Pablo and tells him that some of the other girls are not there for the right reason. Bad move Elise. Haven’t you seen this show before? Everyone knows that you NEVER, EVER tell the bachelor about the other girls or the drama in the house. NEVER. Elise should just start packing her bag immediately because she is history.
Nikki gets her one on one time and becomes all sweet and shy and oh this situation is so hard because I am looking for something real, and oh by the way did I mention that I am a pediatric nurse and work with kids? She tells him that she is a good diaper changer, which is really important since Cameeellla is 4 years old, but Juan Pablo doesn’t flinch because he is smitten by Nikki. Despite Elise’s attempts at sabotage, Juan Pablo asks Nikki “will you essept theese rose?” Of course she esspets the rose. The other girls cringe.
 
The Juan and Only Juan on Juan Date
Back at the hotel, the date card arrives and asks Sharleen “Are you my Seoul mate?” Someone asks “What do you think that means?” Sharleen responds “I think we will explore Seoul.” Really Sharleen, ya think?  Clare looks dumbfounded and declares that Sharleen is not right for Juan Pablo. Sharleen says she is excited about the date, but looks about as excited as someone who just stepped in gum.
In an effort to get ready for his date, Juan Pablo showers and we are forced to watch him wash his left breast and arm pit. He is no Shirtless Sean and I can do without the Juan Pablo in the shower scenes. Sharleen is happy that she got the one on one date and is hoping to fall in love because as of right now she ain’t feeling it. Juan Pablo says that Sharleen is one of his favorites. Everyone in America is staring at their TVs with very confused looks on their faces and asking “why?”
Sharleen and Juan Pablo’s date consists of walking through a market in Seoul, and Sharleen says that she feels like she is walking through a market in Seoul. They try on traditional outfits, eat unfamiliar food off of toothpicks, then go to a tea house for some serious conversation during which Sharleen impresses Juan Pablo with her use of the word bland. He is wearing yellow pants and a blue shirt and I wish he would stop taking fashion tips from whoever keeps telling him that real men wear pastel pants.
Before dinner, Juan Pablo takes Sharleen to a courtyard and begs her to sing for him. She is all like OMG I could NEVER do that on a first date and OH MY I have to be really comfortable with someone before I could do that. Give me a break Sharleen and just sing already. She warms up her lips, belts out a few notes and Juan Pablo is impressed. She slinks over to him and grabs his bottom lip. As if last week’s Sharleen/Juan Pablo kiss wasn’t bad enough, Sharleen leans in for another round of world’s worst kissing. This time instead of Sharleen being frozen like a dead fish, she leads with her tongue and passionately kisses him. In response, Juan Pablo chews on her bottom lip. I have to remember to watch these kisses with my hands over my face and peeking through my fingers. Despite his teeth marks on her lip, Sharleen decides that she really does like Juan Pablo, and “there is a shot that we could fall in love.”
At the end of the night Sharleen thanks Juan Pablo for a perfect date. He tells her he “gets her” and that makes her heart stop. Juan Pablo then asks how many kids she wants. Sharleen looks at him like he asked her to squeeze the pimples on his back and she says “me?” No, not you, I’m asking the waitress- of course you Sharleen. He reminds her that he has a daughter (as if anyone could forget that) and repeats the question. More crickets. After stumbling around a bit, Sharleen finally admits that she dated a man with a 4 year old daughter and she really didn’t like it too much. Instead of repeating that he is on this “adventura” to find a wife and step-mom for Cameeellla and that not liking kids is a deal breaker, he tells Sharleen that he appreciates her honesty and gives her the rose, which is basically giving Cameeelllla the big F.U.  Juan Pablo has lots of ‘splaining to do- he gave the rose to a woman who is appalled by children, despite the fact that he tells everyone he has to do the right thing for Cameeelllla. The right thing for Cameeellla would be for you to drop these crazies and go home and take her to the park on Friday. Instead, he gives the rose to the one woman who pretty much hates kids. “I like who you are, that you’re different. I appreciate your honesty. Will you essept theeese rose?”  Cameeellla becomes a more distant memory with each word.
Second Group Date a/k/a Reject Group Date
While Sharleen is honestly telling Juan Pablo that she hates kids, the second group date card arrives and says “Let’s Get Krazy.”  Lauren S. (who?); Andi (prosecutor); Clare (stage 5 clinger/psychopath); Renee (House Therapist); Alli (I have no idea who she is); and Kelly (Miss Piggy/Dog Lover) are supposed to be singing karaoke in a tiny dollhouse room to songs they have never heard before and lyrics that are not written in English. Instead they dance around the small room and sing “na na na.” When they are finished with “karaoke” they get some of Kat’s mother’s homemade lemonade in a zip lock bag, walk the streets, take pictures in photo booths, ride in paddle boats and eventually stumble across a place called “Dr. Fish Zone” for pedicures which consists of putting your feet in a pool of fish who eat the dead skin off your rotting planks. Renee’s feet seem popular with the fish and Clare is extremely jealous that Renee has disgusting feet and she doesn’t.
When the fish are sufficiently full, it is time for Juan Pablo and his “second shift of merry followers” to hit the streets of Seoul and eat some octopus; all except for Clare that is. Clare does not eat octopus and refuses until Juan Pablo chants “Clare Clare Clare.”  Clare finally manages to choke down the octopus, but not before it makes one last visit to the top of Clare’s mouth. Clare gags for effect but then emerges victorious over the octopus. Kelly is annoyed by Clare’s antics, calls her a lunatic and says “I know she has swallowed bigger things than that before.” Oh SNAP!
Flesh eating fish and octopus on a stick behind us, it is now time for the night portion of the date. Andi says that all the girls are starting to think about kissing Juan Pablo, so let the games begin!
Renee takes the first stab at locking lips with her latin lover by asking what Cameeella would think about her daddy kissing another woman. Despite her attempt to use Cameeella as kissing bait, Juan Pablo ain’t biting. Instead, he says that he wants to be a good role model to Cameeella and that he doesn’t want for her to see him kissing lots of women. He seems to have forgotten all about chewing Sharleen’s bottom lip off the night before, not to mention the 5 other women he has sucked face with already. He also seemed to forget that Cameeella is only 4 years old and shouldn’t even be watching this show.  And if we are talking about him being a good role model, he never should have said that gay people were perverted.  I rest my case on Juan Pablo not being a “good” role model.
Speaking of resting my case, prosecutor Andi and Juan Pablo sit on the side of a road and lean on a guard rail and talk. He calls her beautiful and plays “got your nose.” After a few “Aye Aye Ayes” and no “Kiss Kiss Kiss”, he leans his head back and falls asleep.
Lauren is next and isn’t wasting any time by making small talk. She goes right up to him, puts her arms around him to dance, leans in and asks for a “beso.”  He gives her the “I want to be a good role model for my daughter” line and she calls him out on kissing the other girls and then cries and makes a fool of herself. Instead of holding on to any shred of dignity, Lauren runs off, followed by a camera man and cries in the corner, telling Juan Pablo “I know you’ve like kissed the other girls.” All dignity out the window. Lauren is upset and embarrassed by her behavior, but she thinks she redeemed herself by saying that she is here for the right reasons. She is wrong.
Clare finally gets her alone time with Juan Pablo and while she is inside being fed chocolate crackers and reliving the great octopus toothpick eating debacle from the afternoon, Andi and Kelly are turning their hatred for Clare into a role play of the octopus eating, or gagging, escapade. While Andi and Kelly are making fun of her, Clare fawns all over Juan Pablo and admits that although she initially swallowed the octopus, she later “threw up in my mouth and swallowed it back down.” That is the sort of thing that will guarantee you a date in the fantasy suite.  Juan Pablo is mesmerized by Clare’s sexy teeth and lips and is turned on by the taste of regurgitated octopus so he breaks his “I’m a good role model for my daughter” rule and leans in and kisses Clare.  Clearly “I can’t kiss you because I am being a good role model for my daughter” is code for “I am just not that into you Renee, Andi and Lauren, so please don’t kiss me.”
In the end, Clare got the kiss, but Andi got the rose. I hope Juan Pablo got some Listerine.
Rose Ceremony
Nikki, Sharleen and Andi all have roses and have decided to forgo their alone time with Juan Pablo at the cocktail party. That is until Nikki, who left most of her dress in her hotel room, decides to march her barely covered self over to interrupt Juan Pablo and Clare’s talk time. Nikki and Juan Pablo are having a boring conversation when Juan Pablo passes a comment about some possible drama in the house. Nikki’s bitch radar goes up full force and she assumes that Clare, who was the last one to talk to Juan Pablo, must have ratted her out. Nikki and Clare have some words which symbolize the start of what is sure to be a major bitchfest that will last until one of them is sent home. The argument ends when Clare points out that in the end, Juan Pablo is the one who hands out the roses. Speaking of which, the remaining roses go to:
Renee (really?);
Chelsie (who almost plows over Elise to get to the rose);
Kelly (who looks more like Miss Piggy when she is in Seoul);
Danielle (who?);
Cassandra (Why?);
Alli (Huh?);
Clare (Yuck!); and
Kat (whatever).
Taking the long walk of shame and 12 hour flight home are:
Elise, who blames the same dead mom who sent her to Juan Pablo for sending her home; personally I would blame the awful dress that she wore to the rose ceremony, and Lauren who not only lost her dignity, but appeared to have lost her make-up bag as well.
Next week- Vietnam!

The Bachelor Season 18: Episode 1

 

The most awkward rose of all...ever. Credit abc.go.com

The most awkward rose of all…ever. Credit abc.go.com

All for Juan and Juan for All

Hola rose lovers and welcome to the official start of Juan Pablo’s season of El Bachelor. Sit back, relax and watch sexy, Latino Juan Pablo on his journey to find love. Or as he likes to call it, his “adventura” like he’s Dora the Explorer.

As we get a glimpse into Juan Pablo’s life in Miami, we see him playing volleyball on the beach, doing a strange creepy dance under a bridge and discover that he is some type of minor league baseball sports consultant or something. He draws hearts in the sand with his daughter Cameeeela, proving once again that he is a great dad. He walks the streets of Miami and poses with fans, pets dogs and knows he will be a great Bachelor because he speaks the language of LOOOOVE.

Sounding nothing short of a bad match.com profile, Juan Pablo says he is ready to find a wife and stepmom, and is going to fly to Los Angeles to meet her. This shows how truly naive Juan Pablo is- who goes to Los Angeles to find a wife? Cameeeela grabs her abuela and abuelo and out to L.A. they go!

Upon arriving in Los Angeles, Juan Pablo has plenty of time to play with little Cameeeela, but is very worried about how he is going to handle being El Bachelor so he calls in a little reinforcement. Sean Lowe suddenly appears in Juan Pablo’s backyard, wearing Catherine’s pants and full of useful advice such as to make sure when he kisses a girl that the other girls don’t see it. Gee thanks Sean. Juan Pablo confesses that he has a hard time remembering names and is worried that he won’t know who is who. My advice to Juan Pablo is when in doubt, just call her “Ashley”.

At this point Juan Pablo starts talking really fast and says something about being a masturbator or master dater or master of group dates, but it doesn’t matter. Sean and Juan Pablo talk a little more about kissing the girls. Does anyone else find it odd that Juan Pablo is taking sex advice from a born again virgin?

Sean and his periwinkle pants make their exit and we are treated to some unnecessary but very satisfying shots of Juan Pablo in the shower, shaving his perfectly groomed stubble and getting dressed for his big night. Cameeeela, mami and papi get goodbye kisses, and Juan Pablo and his sexy black suit are off to Los Angeles, the land of wives and stepmothers.

Before Juan Pablo can start his adventura, we are given a little glimpse into what will be stepping out of the limo.

We first meet CHELSIE, a 24 year old perky blonde who thinks the way to Juan Pablo’s heart is to dazzle him with her knowledge of simple Spanish phrases and words. She practices saying the word “amor” and smiles, giggles and shimmies her shoulders.

Next we meet 32 year old single mom RENEE, who likes to paddle boat, roller blade and can’t wait to exploit her 8 year old athletic son Ben in her quest to marry Juan Pablo.

ANDI, 24, is a gang banger from Atlanta, oh wait, gang prosecutor (I get those confused) who is already complaining about dating a guy who is dating 24 other women. NIKKI, 26, is a pediatric nurse who wants to feel head over heels in love for more than 2 weeks. No grown woman should spell her name Nikki unless she is a stripper.

AMY J. is a 31 year old massage therapist who loves to massage people while making porn faces and moaning sounds. She has really big teeth and looks more like Jim Carey than any woman should. As if the porn faces and moaning aren’t bad enough, she also wants to cook Juan Pablo a large breakfast and feed him eggs “here comes the airplane” style. In a word, she is loco!

We next meet LAUREN H. who is a 25 year old mineral coordinator from Oklahoma who admits that although she is blessed, her love life sucks because six weeks ago her fiance called off their engagement over the phone. At least it wasn’t via text message or a post-it note. She wears bad makeup and looks a little like something from planet of the apes.

Self-proclaimed pretty girl VALERIE who is not that pretty tells us she is not afraid to sharpen her nails and scratch the other girls eyes out. She thinks she is Katniss Everdeen with her bow and arrow and wants to shoot Juan Pablo in the heart. Nice girl.

25 year old LACY has a big smile, a big heart and big breasts. She has dedicated her life to her special needs family and taking care of the elderly.

CLARE 32, is part Mexican and loves her family. She is the youngest of 6 girls, and before her dad passed away he made a DVD for her future husband to watch, which is really creepy. Clare is looking for a man just like her dad, which I guess means someone who will make videos for people to watch post-mortem.

Juan Pablo arrives at the mansion and is very happy to see Chris, who is straining to understand what Juan Pablo is saying. Chris drops a bomb and tells him that due to overwhelming fan response, there will be a whopping 27 women, not 25 for him to choose from. Juan Pablo says “oooh 2 more” proving that he can in fact count.

Finally, the moment we have all been waiting for has arrived. Either that or One Direction has shown up because the first limo sounds like it is full of screaming teenage girls.

First out of the limo is AMY L., a 27 year old local news reporter from Orlando. She bounces around as she rambles on and on and I think she took too much Adderall. Juan Pablo looks scared. Next we meet CASSANDRA who is a 21 year old former NBA dancer with a really long neck. As opposed to AMY L. who babbled on, CASSANDRA just stood there making weird squeaking noises. CHRISTY, 24, is wearing a white dress and white headband in an attempt to subconsciously look like a bride. So far Juan Pablo is happy and says “I am liking this first leeeeemo.”

CHRISTINE from Miami brought a bracelet for Cameeeela, and NIKKI arrived with a stethoscope so that Juan Pablo could listen to her heart and fondle her breasts at the same time.

KAT, 29 asks Juan Pablo to teach her to salsa and he likes her because she smells good. CHANTEL is the first African American woman of the night and is wearing a skin tight short blue dress. VICTORIA, 24, arrives in an ugly yellow dress that looks like it could have been the curtains from her kitchen, but she is quickly forgotten about because LUCY, whose occupation is “Free Spirit” comes flying out of the limo in a white dress with no shoes and a flower headband.

As if on cue, psychiatric nurse DANIELLE arrives which is good because someone needs to be around to administer the thorazine. Just when things are getting really boring, music composer LAUREN S. wheels up the driveway on a piano/bicycle contraption, huffing and puffing the whole way. She hits a few clunkers on the keys and forgets to tell Juan Pablo her name.

CHELSIE is a science teacher who tries to make chemistry with Juan Pablo, but he doesn’t get it and looks confused. In his defense her experiment was an epic fail coupled with bad acting. VALERIE shows Juan Pablo that she is a real cowgirl because she is wearing boots. Her missing front tooth is much more telling than the boots.

ELISE was unremarkable as was ASHLEY the first grade teacher whose head was too big for her body.

CLARE, a 26 year old hairstylist from Sacramento thought that faking a pregnancy was the best way to snag a husband and came out of the limo sporting a sizeable baby bump. Oddly, Juan Pablo did not seem appalled by this and actually thought she was cute.

ALLI came out of the limo kicking a soccer ball and wearing sneakers. AMY J. the porn star masseause arrived and single mom RENEE made an impression as, well, a single mom. LAUREN H. is still wearing too much make-up, and southern girl MAGGIE brings him a fishing hook because she is hoping that Juan Pablo is the big catch she has been waiting for.

KELLY is a “Dog Lover” who brought her dog Molly with her, which was a good thing because without Molly’s keen sense of direction, Kelly would still be looking for the mansion door. LACY arrived with a large prescription bottle of “pills” in case the women give him a headache. In case? ALEXIS is next but she didn’t leave an impression so I have nothing to say about her.

KYLIE has bad pink/red hair and is wearing a pink dress with matching pink lipstick and nails and looks like witchiepoo from H.R. Pufnstuf. SHARLEEN is an opera singer from Canada but lives in Germany which confused Juan Pablo. She seems very poised and elegant and I’m thinking she got in the wrong limo at the airport.

Last, but not least, ANDI arrives with her lawyer confidence and ombre hair.

The Cocktail Party

Once all the girls are settled on the couches with drink in hand, Juan Pablo makes his entrance causing the girls to screech and clap upon his arrival. He thanks them for taking time from their busy lives to be there. I’m sure it was a real hardship for the “Free Spirit” and “Dog Lover.” He is overwhelmed and says “aye aye aye” and “whoo” over and over again.

In an attempt to break the ice, Juan Pablo finds a transistor radio, puts on some music and dances with the ladies. I guess no one had an ipod. They take pictures in a photo booth like 13 year olds at a bar mitzvah, duck face and deuces included.

Nikki is the first girl to make her move and she asks “What do you want to know about me?” He responds “Uh your name?” After a quick conversation about being a pediatric nurse, Nikki says she is hoping she left her mark. She should have just lifted her leg and peed on him.

Renee and Juan Pablo bond over the fact that they are both single parents, and he calls her as “mom” which is not a good sign for Renee. Juan Pablo has another girl’s lipstick on his cheek during their entire conversation. Another bad sign.

All is pretty quiet until BAM! Lucy the self proclaimed hippie and “Free Spirit” drags him to to the couch, gets in his face and asks “Am I making you nervous?” She flings her dirty bare feet over his lap and in a show of someone who doesn’t respect personal space gets way to close for comfort. I bet she is a face talker- you know those people who get right in your face when they talk to you? I shudder at the thought. Remember, this is the girl who humped Chris Harrison’s leg when he told her she was going to be on the show.

Continuing with the too close for comfort theme, Amy J. so happens to find a massage table and essential oils outside by the pool and goes right to work, showing Juan Pablo her special talents and getting essential oil all over his nice suit. Amy undresses a very uncomfortable Juan Pablo and rubs his ass while telling him they have a lot in common. She massages him, makes the porn face and moans and I start getting nervous that she is going to offer him a happy ending.

Chris Harrison arrives with the first impression rose and Kylie starts whining that if she doesn’t get a rose she is going to be devastated. She should be more devastated by the fact that she looks like cotton candy.

Lauren H. chews her nails and says she deserves a rose because her love life sucks. As opposed to the other girls who all have booming relationships back home but decided they had nothing better to do than subject themselves to public ridicule and humiliation.

Chelsie gets some alone time with Juan Pablo in the photo booth and finally wipes the lipstick off his face while they are taking pictures. He asks her how many children she wants, and she answers “all of them.” I guess that’s a good thing because the hospital usually makes you take them home. Chelsie comments that all the photos they took are only of him and that she has been cut out. Take that as a sign of things to come Chelsie.

Elise is in love and she knows this will work out because her dead mom sent her to Juan Pablo.

While the girls are sharing stories about their time with Juan Pablo, or lack thereof, Lauren is sitting around with her sour puss, covered in too much makeup, complaining about insecurities and feeling a little broken. A little broken? That’s like saying that Clare was a little bit fake pregnant. She is so broken that she can’t seem to pull herself together enough to go over and talk to Juan Pablo. Instead, she sits around and cries and wipes her runny nose with the back of her hand.

Juan Pablo is eventually steered towards Lauren H. who at first seems to have pulled herself together, but then spends the entire time talking about her broken engagement and trying to convince Juan Pablo, and herself, that she is over it. Sure you are. Juan Pablo is desperately looking for the nearest exit. Lauren would have had a better chance of getting a rose if she had walked up to him and said “Hi, I’m Lauren and I have herpes.” Lauren H. should pack her baggage, go home and get a good therapist.

The strangest part of the night is when Juan Pablo sits with Sharleen, the very poised opera singer from Canada/Germany. She tells him a story about eating pea-soup with a wiener in it, and he is so intrigued that he runs into the next room and grabs the first impression rose. He comes back with the rose, sits next to her, hands her the rose and says “I think you are very elegant and I like the way you are. Will you essept theeese rose.” Sharleen looks at him like he is handing her a handful of steaming dog shit, and after about 8 seconds says “Sure, yeah sure.” She thanks him, calls him sir a few times and walks off. Juan Pablo is oblivious: Sharleen looks horrified. This was the most anti-climactic and uncomfortable first impression rose ever in Bachelor history.

Rose Ceremony

Finally it is time to send home the crazies. Roses go to:

Clare, Nikki, Renee, Andi, Alli, Chantel, Lauren S. Kelly, Cassandra, Danielle, Chelsie, Kat, Victoria, Christy, Lucy, Elise and Amy L.

The awkward moment of the night was when Juan Pablo called out “Kat” and Kylie stepped forward. Juan Pablo quickly shooed her back into the crowd despite her plea that he give them both a rose, and we all knew Kylie’s time was up.

As of now, I think Juan Pablo should send all the women home and give Sean Lowe the final rose and marriage proposal. They had great chemistry and the scenes at the end with them salsa dancing and Shirtless Sean were the best part of the entire show.

Adios until next week!

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